Always A Bridesmaid: Libby Ruth Ames Lines

Well, I found out that day if you really want to make him double over and howl, tell him your wedding plans!

"Oh Promise me that some day you and I will take our love together to some sky! Oh, promise me, oh, prooomiseeee meeee!"

I just caught sight of my butt in that full-length mirror! Look at it! You could show IMAX movies on this thing!

A really big exception. Listen, Sedalia, truth is, Monette's marrying a younger man and she's feeling pressured. She told me she's only got half an hour to lose fifteen pounds! And to that end, I may need your help squeezing her into her that third pair of Spanx.

And when I found out he sits that cute little butt of his on the heated leather seat of a cute little Porsche, I absolutely had to know more about the man. Isn't he a doll?! He's smart and we talk for hours. And he finds me fasinating- which is an attribute I absolutely insist on in a husband. Gavin's in advertising, he makes his own pasta, works out six times a week, has the biceps of a greek god and on our second date, he rewired the lamps in my living room! Did I mention he likes to garden- with his shirt off?

Alright, let's cool it down, girlfriend. We've got to get you through this ceremony without weirding out the minister.

I say take what you can get, Monette. At least your new car smell lasted this long.

Alright, that's it! Deedra, you haven't poked your head out of that black cloud since you got here. What is wrong?

Why on earth doesn't somebody make wedding pants?!

And just think Charlie, you're going downstairs into the arms of the one and only man you'll have sex with for the rest of your life! The rest of your life!

Any more encouragement like that, I'm hanging myself in the toilet.

And now I believe Deedra's got something extra positive and sweet she's wanting to say about marriage. Alright, make it nice.

I moved here from Connecticut.

And we never held it against you- treated you just like you were one of us.

A day we never, ever, ever, ever thought would happen. Ever.

And we want to make it the happiest day of your life, but we're sensing some conflicting emotions here. Whatever it is, just get it off your chest. You know you can say anything to us.

What a sweet thing to say. Okay, remember Marla, the paralegal I sent over to help him when he was swamped? Well, she helped him alright- out of his trousers, out of our house and out of our marriage! See, I found out they'd been carrying on for a year! These last few weeks I've been a wreck. But I'm not sad anymore. Now I just want revenge!

And while you get it, be sure to take him for every nickel he's got! Hey, I may be a romantic but I'm not an idiot. Okay, I'm going down to tell Sedalia what's happened. I'll ask her to open the bar now, keep the guests distracted and delay the ceremony til Charlie calms down.

Why didn't I realize this before? Charlie, you have stage fright! It happens all the time with preformers at my club, particularly on amateur night. And I know exactly how to fix it but unfortunately we don't have a fifth of Wild Turkey and a funnel in handy. Oh, shoot. I'll improvise. Got to get some blood and oxygen into the old brain pan. That'll get rid of the fog and confusion.

And you know what? This will be the perfect time for us to do what my sister, Viola, calls a "Marriage Go Round" where the women get to remind the bride of all the good things of married life.

Where? I don't see any-

Anyway, Monette's right. Married life can be a lot of fun, if you approach it like the adventure it is.

Let's stop right there. I am not going to meet this man, okay?

Because of his job?

Well, when we first met, I really liked him but was afraid he preferred younger women, so... I got my license fixed and... Gavin has always believed I'm younger than I really am. Seven years younger. What?! Well, I could be. I take really good care of my skin. Fine. But just see if any of you get an invitation to my fiftieth birthday party four years from now!

But Gavin knows we all graduated highschool the same year. That didn't bring up any questions?

No, let me. I want to peek at the crowd and see if Gavin got over himself and decided to show up.

But go down the back stairs so no one sees you.

You know, there are three constants in my life- taxes I can barely pay, recurring bladder infections and being a bridesmaid in a Monette Gentry Wedding. She goes through husbands like Sherman through Georgia and I can't even get one sucker down the isle.

But what happened to that last guy you were dating? He didn't seem to mind that you spend your life diggin' in the dirt or that you got the fashion sense of a color-blind prison guard or even that every food this side of melba toast makes you extra gassy, I thought he was really into you.

And that's why I didn't tell you before now.

But you and Harris have been together almost thirty years! This is terrible!

Oh, you'll be missed, Barbara, but Jamison and I understand you can't just leave the campaign trail. And of course you've got our vote! I've always believed politicians and diapers should be changed regularly. And for some reason. Yes, we did decide to honeymoon in Paris, so the whole wedding is French-themed- the food, the wine. And the bridesmaids and I are all wearing elegant French gowns and we'll-

Can we throw a wedding? Yes we can-can! Whee!

Is it time to drag what's left of me down the isle?

Charlie, your cold is worse! We can't let Monette know you're sick till we have to. She's already got herself wound so tight today she's liable to stroke out. She'll never forgive us if she has to honeymoon in the E.R.

Don't come near me! I've made up my mind and I'm not doing this! This is one big, fat mistake I refuse to make!

Deedra, help us! She's got to do the right thing! Say something!

Yeah, but the trouble is, you're married all of the time.

Deedra, you aren't really helping, hon. I'm thinking you don't understand the goal we're shootin' for here.

Boy, if that sweet talk doesn't comfort her, nothing will.

Do y'all think she's alright in there?

Okay, before any more of your compliments drive me downstairs into the bar, let's get me ready. But this side of a smile and a shower curtain, I'm fresh out of ideas on what to wear to this shindig. Anyone?

Don't worry, I'll handle it. You know me, I can fix anything... except Charlie's hair. I give.

Why do you always bring this up? I didn't moon the crowd on purpose. It was hundred and five in the shade, so all I wore under my graduation gown was antiperspirant.

Everyone was sitting in the bleachers on the football field, sweating buckets, and Monette didn't know that polyester gown had gotten stuck halfway up her back.

Me first: Tax deductions. I'm done.

Here's a good one about how rewarding compromise can be in marriage. Now, I couldn't love Preston more even if he was dipped in chocolate. But one time we hit a speed bump. See, I wanted him to get away from our diner more often and take ballroom dance classes with me. Well, he agreed, but only if I'd go with him to monster truck pulls. I hated the thought, but I had to give in. And the darned thing is, I really got to liking them- those huge powerful throbbing machines! So, see? Compromise can be very rewarding.

Okay, but we're having a little sippy before we go downstairs!

Here, Monette. Let me pour. Isn't what we have flat-out wonderful? People are always telling me one of their deepest regrets is losing touch with old friends. But not us! We've kept our friendship alive since seventh grade. You know, I believe that makes us four in a million!

Okay, okay, this misunderstanding about what I wanted all of you to wear is my fault. I should've spelled it out, and I do know your heart was in the right place, Libby Ruth. But what I don't know is how to fix it.

Hold on. There's no problem. You're gorgeous, Deedra, like somethin' out of those fashion magazines with half naked, hungy-lookin' girls on the covers. Isn't she gorgeous, Pierre? Yes, she is!

I just wish Sedalia would let it go. It's been, what, four years now? Heck, even Fletcher's forgiven me for running out on him. And we'd probably be friends if his mom would stop leaving me the occasional reminder of how much she hates me.

How occasional?

Okay, fine. I can't wait to get out of this little number!

I can't wait to get out of mine either. Preston went absolutely wild when he saw me in this. In fact, he liked it so much, I almost didn't get out the door. Looks like your wedding will benefit us all!

Cheap talk from Little Miss Cracker Barrel and A Streewalker Named Desire.

I cannot believe Charlie saved these dresses all these years.

Um... do varicose veins count?

I forgot! Kari's got a blue garter for you, Deedra. I'll run get it.

Monette? Darlin', how do you think I get through all these joyful occasions? The bride's on her own.

I love weddings, everybody so happy, and feelin' good!

You gave us less than twenty-four hours to rearrange our schedules and get here! And none of the ugly bridesmaids dresses from all the previous weddings the three of you had were coral. I don't have a large inventory of girly dressup crap, so it's what you see or total nudity. Either way, I'm good to go. I... ah...

I'll get the Lysol!

Okay, girls, let's head 'em up and- Now I see what you wanted with all those bits and pieces. Well... I believe you've done a fine job... considering what you had to work with.

I'm almost certain she's referring to the fabric.

Libby Ruth, not to squat on your enthusiasm, darlin', but I've got a reception hall full of dedicated crystal. You hit anymore jackhammer notes like that, and our guests will be sippin' champagne out of dixie cups.

I'm sorry. Preston always tells me I sound like a herd of cats fightin' over a bagpipe but I get carried away. That's me, hopeless romantic! Look, I know this wedding came out of the blue, how can I ever thank you for squeezing Monette in this afternoon?

If I blow my groceries or pass out goin' down the aisle, just keep moving and leave me for dead.

It's all so romantic... I give this sucker two months tops, but right now... its so romantic. Just puts a song in my heart. "Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!"

Okay, nap time for Pierre. You're creeping me out. Yes, you are! To be honest, there was a time I actually thought I might take Harris back. I've been very torn. But I love Jamison and I'm going to marry him. Tonight!

It's so beautiful that you've opened your heart to love again. At this stage in life, it's a really brave and wonderful thing to do.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Who's got reading glasses?

Look on the dressing table, I'll check over here. it's heads!

Well, she better hurry up and get here. None of us has ever missed one of our weddings yet. God, I'd do anything to be thin. except diet or exercise.

Monette, as usual, you make a beautiful bride. Hey, remember when we were growing up, the four of us would sit in the field across the road and daydream about getting married in a gorgeous old house like Laurelton Oaks? Well, today you're making that dream come true! And it's all so romantic! Although it is a little unusual that none of us had met this groom or know anything about him!

I believe I'm keeping the promise we made a hundred years ago that we'd be in each other's weddings. But I had no idea this was going to be a regular gig for the rest of my life. It's like a bad student loan I can never pay off.

Now, get a hold of yourself, Monette. Remember, Charlie has been there for every single one of our weddings. Just like we'll be there for hers.

That's right! Monette, you're my something old. Sip!

Now, tell us what you have that's something new.

I'm telling you, this is not the time to discuss it.

Of course it is! Tell us now! Come on!

We'll be ready! Thanks for everything, Ms. Ellicott! We'll be right down and- Good, she's gone! Here's what we're going to do. You bring the car around to the back door. You two create a diverson, maybe start a small fire in the ladies' room downstairs. Yeah, that's good! I'll slip out and no one will notice. Everyone in?

Oh, Charlie, you cut-up. On your tenth anniversary, you and Fletcher will have such a good laugh about this. We could be in trouble girls. Follow my lead. Shug, I think now might be the time for you to tell us exactly what's going on in that head of yours. The three of us have looked forward to this day for years.

Okay, the first two years of this marriage has been great, but... I think Gavin's losing interest in me. See, he's developed this obsession with baking and started taking night classes at a culinary academy. It's all he thinks about! It's like Gavin would rather squeeze a pastry bag than me!

Oh, Monette, you're just making a mountain out of a molehill.

Oh yes she has.

Oh, dear. Charlie, honey, it's time to get you ready to go downstairs. We need to get you hitched before the road floods and the only way out is backstroke. And our corsages turned out so pretty; you'll love them. Too bad they're not big enough to cover more of Monette's ta-tas.

Look, I tried to be a team player but Charlie obviously knows what she wants and it's not this.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Runaway bride! Runaway bride! And if it's bad enough, she'll get mud on that dress and never be able to consign it!

It started out okay, but somewhere it went horribly wrong.

Oh, no! What have you done?! There's no way in the world you've made this any worse!

I am so tired of off-the-shoulder, cookie cutter bridesmaids dresses. This is a fresh new take and I love it! Tres magnifique! Now, I've got to run downstairs. Oh, and Libby Ruth, Kari did a great job helping with the table arrangements. That girl's a pistol. Unfortunately, when my nephew came over to lend her a hand, they ended up in a big, ugly argument about women's rights.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I hope it didn't get too uncomfortable.

Yeah, behind that sweet, innocent face is a scheming manipulator. She knows you get a couple of Bloody Marys in me, I'll agree to anything. And there's a long line of no-count guys who'd back me up on that statement.

Oh, stop! You look adorable! Doesn't she Pierre? Yes, she does.

Fine! Harris left me! He's filed for divorce!

Oh, sweetheart!

Aren't we starting soon? Where on earth are Deedra and Charlie?

Oh, um... Charlie's here. She's got a little tickle in her throat, so she's resting in the other dressing room. But no word yet from Deedra.

Now, I don't want Monette to feel like she's getting the bum's rush, but we need to keep the ball rolling this afternoon. I've got a great big event starting at six. Effie Gudger's turning one hundred and if that old bird's still suckin' wind after I've served up the birthday puddin', I'm calling the whole wing-ding a success.

Oh, we'll be ready; we're only missing one bridesmaid. And Monette understands, she's a businesswoman, too. Did you know that she owns the biggest country music club in the entire state of Virginia?

Yep. Now wait... he's bending over to pick them up and... there!

Oh. Ohhhhh my!

Not at all. But one of my greatest strengths is I'm excellent at giving advice that I would never follow.

Okay girls, before we put this soufflé in the oven, let's make sure our bride's all ready. I think we got some questions for her, don't we girls?

Sweet, hell! Until Harris has earned enough for us to retire to the South of France, I want that man alive and slaving away in that office!

Ooh! I do love a good challenge! Look, y'all! I found these great fabric remnants in Sedalia's workroom. Stand back! We are makin' some magic!

Senior class prom, no dates, halfway through a bottle of Chianti, the four of us swore we'd find our true loves and be each others bridesmaids. If you hadn't picked the lock on your dad's liquor cabinet, we wouldn't be in this predicament we're in today... totally your fault.

Ooh! I feel like one of those mice from Cinderella!

It's not that I don't meet lots of men through my landscaping business, I do. But it feels like every whack job with backhoe is drawn to me like a dog on a tree stump. When did I become such a freak magnet?! I just want to meet a nice guy who hates the same stuff as me.

Same thing's happening with Kari. My little girl's downstairs right now moping around because she and her boyfriend broke up. The two of you just need to believe that you'll find your true love when you least expect it.

Now that sounds like the Honorable Deedra Wingate we all know and love.

Sedalia's on her way. She says she's always prepared for this kind of situation and has a sure-fire way to get Charlie out of the dressing room!

Your timings off, ladies. We wait 'til the toast for "bottoms up". Ah! The "ugly bridesmaid dress revenge." I haven't seen that one in a while. One of my favorites

Sedalia, there's a teensy problem. Charlie's a little anxious and-

Look, I'm here, nobody died, I called the police, it's done. Besides, I hated that dress anyway. And I hope it makes that guy look fat.

See, everything's fine now! What matters is you're safe and we're together. We don't spend nearly enough time with each other, but when we do, we make it count!

Geez, that little encouraging nudge certainly cleared things up. Don't worry, I know what I have to do now.

See, love really does conquer all. And I know that deep down inside, in a place that may be hard for her to reach right now, Deedra wants to tell you to absolutely take a chance on love and never, ever postpone joy. Don't you, Deedra?

Oh yes she is.

She hasn't-

What did she mean by a "woman of temperament"?

She meant is as a compliment. Honey, you have no patience, never have. You don't tolerate fools, liars, or wasting time. But those are good qualities for a judge.

Sure you can, but you shouldn't!

She most certainly should!

Monette? Libby Ruth? Hello? Where did everybody- ah... ah.. Oh, God.

Shug, isn't this a little extreme? There's no shame in being sick. But Monette's kinda on edge, so let's be good, calm bridesmaids. We don't want anything else to happen that could upset her day.

Okay, look. I threw a big fundraiser at my club for a Congressman and he owed me a favor. And he had a friend at the D.M.V. and-

So you and Gavin had a little fight because you lied on your driver's license about your age?

Hey, better this than being stuck in that nightmare from Deedra's wedding.

So, Deedra, I guess you'll be taking off right after the ceremony?

Why isn't there never a guillotine handy when you really need one?

Speaking of painful separations, how did Harris take it when you told him you're marrying your divorce lawyer?

Fletcher owes us big time for this. He's killing my bugs for free for life! But I really think sharing my experience turned the tide for Charlie. She's- She's making . a break for it!

Stop her!

Gotta go, Barbara. Une petite problemo just pranced through the door! What is that you're wearing?!

Surprise! It's my wedding gift to you. You told me I could pick out the bridesmaid's outfits as long as they were French and very stylish! So, voila!

Okay, I'm good, I'm back. I'll go dry off and trowel on some more paint.

That woman is hotter than a bucket of jalapeńos! It'll be a miracle if we can keep her from starting the honeymoon before they finish the I dos!

Like it's not hard for us single gals to witness these lovey-dovey, blessed nupitals without wanting to run screaming into the hills. Nooo, I have to go and get the crud on top of it so I can enjoy it even more. And why is this such a rush job anyway?

That's just Monette. When it comes to men, she throws herself headlong at the one she wants. If you ask me, I think she's scared if she doesn't grab him, she'll lose him forever and for Monette, that would be tragic. Kind of like your hair. Oh, for heavens sake, sit down here and let me take a shot at that mess. I can't stand to see you lookin' so pitiful.

Let me out of here this minute!

The knob's stuck, sweetheart. Give me a sec! Of course it's the right thing to do. You see, Charlie, you get a little oxygen flowing, you're making good decisions, you've got clarity of mind. Honey, we're your best friends, we'd never steer you wrong. Now, go slap on a little blush... maybe a whole lot, pretty yourself up and get ready to be the star of the show!

It's Gavin! Okay, come here. You see that unbelievably nervous guy down there?

The one who just dropped his keys?

I don't need love to take me by surprise. How about Thursday night, eight o'clock?

Turn on the hot water and breathe the steam but don't let Monette catch you at it. And take another shot at that hair!

Harris left me weeks ago and I've been trying to deal with it. I convinced myself i could get through today because I didn't want to be the one to break our promise and not be here for the wedding. And I've been nothing but a wet blanket. I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. This was supposed to be Charlie's big day. Get her out of there, Libby Ruth. She'll listen to you.

Unlock the door, Charlie! Just because Deedra's marriage has gone down the crapper doesn't mean yours will, too!

Twenty-seven years ago a holiday wedding seemed like a good idea... then again so did getting married. Sorry I'm late; I had to paddle the last hundred miles.

We're so glad you're here. Our bride's locked in the dressing room with a bad case of cold feet. See if you can't talk some sense into her.

It's probably Jamison. That man can mesmerize any crowd with a story. Oh, I'm lucky!

Well, I think Jamison's the lucky one. You know what they say, a good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

Oh. Okay, what can I tell you?

Well, I'm always fascinated by what makes people fall in love. Like when I first met Preston, all I saw were those sparkling eyes and that dimple in his chin and I was a goner. Of course, I'd just rear-ended his new truck and the veins in his neck were bulging and he was screaming, but for me it was love at first sight. Oh, golly, now I laugh about how we met... he still can't but I do. So, what was it that first attracted you to Calvin?

What exactly do you think you're doing?

Well, I'm sorry, Deedra, but we were teetering on the brink of disaster and your negative attitude isn't helping.

Serious as an Upper G.I.! A girl's gotta have standards. Mine may be low, but atleast I've got 'em, baby.

Well, looka here. I think I've gone and outdone myself this time.

What he was really into was identity theft. Once I discovered he'd stolen my credit cards, I pressed charges and that pretty much put the kay-bosh on our little love-fest. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, I own my own home, I ... ah.. ah.. I'm a real catch right?

Well, maybe not at this exact moment.

Yeah, I've had the same brother for forty-six years and the jury's still out on that one.

Well, sometimes your heart knows if it's the real thing. And clearly you haven't seen a man bend over to pick up a set of keys.

Although this classic I picked for y'all to wear in mine has certainly stood the test of time better than the others.

Well, the rain hasn't kept anyone away. Kari says the guest list is almost full.

Oh, that reminds me, Charlie, I have a man I want you to meet.

What reminded you of that?

No, you've said enough. I'm through acting the fool and I really appreciate your helping me through this crisis. I'll just go in there and finish up.

Whew! We barely pulled that off. Okay, let's move it before Sedalia comes back with a S.W.A.T. Team!

I am gonna find those blasted tweezers even if I have to tear up the joint and cold cock everyone in the room to do it!

Which is why we appreciate you makin' an exception for us.

So, you were getting your jollies making Harris work to win you back and dating Jamison at the same time? Color me impressed!

Why, your Honor, I had no idea you could be such a little vixen. We sure didn't, did we, Pierre?

And I'm wrong again!

Wow! That dress suits you to a "T", Monette.

I see. That's nice... a little weird, but... nice.

Yeah... we think so, too. Monette's a little intense today, but she always is right before she vows to love some guy forever.

You know, there is one thing I find curious: in all my many years of doing this, I've found that most of my... shall we say, mature brides- particularly those who've made that long walk before- tend to go for more simple wedding ceremonies, with maybe just one attendant, if any. I was surprised your friend chose to have three.

Yes, I'm sure it does seem a little odd. But see, we were all best friends as kids and we made a promise that we'd be in each other's weddings, no matter what. And we did that. But ten years ago when Monette married the second time, she asked us to stand up for her again and we did... again. And this time, well.. I think she's startin' to look on this as a tradition.

Wow, you look like Little Spouse On the Prairie.

Yes, isn't it the sweetest thing you're ever seen? I still remember how big Preston's eyes got when he saw us all coming at him down that aisle. This is going to be such a beautiful- where's Charlie? She isn't-

And I'm the one getting to be a size of a mountain! I'm scarfing down cream puffs, napoleons and eclairs by the bushel, just to be supportive. But I swear, the way I'm blowing up, a little helium, some rope and they can float me in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. Y'all, I think it's gonna cost me my man.

You always do this, sugar! Now, you're beautiful and you've finally got a happy marriage. It's not like Gavin's carrying on with other women.

On second thought, I believe I nailed it.

You always think of the nicest touches. Maybe I'll take that champagne to Monette now.

We're just worried for you. If this doesn't work, you'll be three for three! After that, the only men who'll give you a chance will be the weirdos and knuckle-draggers like the ones who go for Charlie.

You can't write off the possibility of a whirlwind romance! Why shouldn't it work out?

For the love of Mike! Let's just get on with it! Throw your cards on the table, Charlie. Are you going to leave that poor bug zapper at the altar or go ahead and marry him and ruin your life anyway?

You know, Deedra, I just remembered something you need to take a look at. You'll really like it. It's just inside that door.

This is unbelievable! And in a million years I wouldn't have thought anyone could've gotten the Countess of Compose into an outfit like that! What did it take, a bet, blackmail?

You know, I tried all of those, but no luck. So I took her to brunch.

I'm trying to tell you I've just been robbed! I stopped at our old drug store to pick up a lipstick and when I came out, some guy was running down mainstreet with my stuff! What kind of man would break into a car and steal a makeup kit and a dress?

You know, Monette's second husband comes to mind.

Yeah, but do I really want him living in my house, touching my things, asking me where I'm going? Complaining every time I go out on a date?

You know, there may be some grey areas in the concept of marriage we need to clear up for you. Charlie, love is a precious gift that makes life richer, fuller. At the very end, when your friends are gazing down at you in your casket, don't you want them to say,"Charlie really filled her life with love."

What scowl?

You know, when you squinch up your face and- there! That one! No wonder criminals and small dogs are scared of you. But the three of us know way underneath you have a good heart. Took us some time to figure out that after you moved to Laurelton. Til fifth grade we chalked up your unique personality to your being a foreign exchange student.

I meant french and stylish as in elegant gowns like mine!

You never said anything about elegant gowns. You said you wanted this wedding to be fun and festive, a real party! And what's more fun and festive than a costume party? Isn't that right, Pierre?