Assertiveness

Building assertive beliefs

Assertive beliefs Much of what we do, say, feel and act is based on our beliefs, and in particular in our beliefs about people. Problems occur when we hold different beliefs about ourselves and about other people. If you have assertive beliefs, then assertive behavior will follow. If you do not hold assertive beliefs, then you will have difficulty in sustaining assertiveness. Beliefs that drive assertive behavior include: I am equal to others, with the same fundamental rights. I am free to think, choose and make decisions for myself. I am able to try things, make mistakes, learn and improve. I am responsible for my own actions and my responses to other people. I do not need permission to take action. It is ok to disagree with others. Agreement is not always necessary or possible. Non-assertive beliefs Non-assertive beliefs are generally those that assume we are not equal to other people, and hence drive passive or aggressive behavior. Beliefs that drive passive behavior include: Others are more important, more intelligent or otherwise better than me. Other people do not like me because I do not deserve to be liked. My opinion is not of value and will not be valued. I must be perfect in everything I do, otherwise I am a complete failure. It is better to be safe and say nothing rather than say what I think. Beliefs that drive aggressive behavior include: I am cleverer and more powerful than other people. Other people cannot be trusted to do as they are told. It's a dog-eat-dog world. I must get other people before they get me. The only way to get things done is to tell people. Asking is a sign of weakness. People who do not fight hard for what they want get what they deserve. Developing assertive beliefs There are a number of things that you can do to develop and stabilize assertive beliefs that will lead to you being more assertive: Notice how your current beliefs drive your decisions and actions. Identify the beliefs that you want to change. Wonder about how the beliefs of others drive their decisions and actions. Decide on the beliefs that you want to adopt. Write them down. Pin them on the wall. Carry them with you in your wallet or pocket. Start by acting assertive. You may not feel it, but you can always act it. Start small: be assertive in relatively simple contexts, such as asking for things in shops and restaurants where it is not a 'life or death' situation. Reflect on your successes. Realize how new beliefs are making a difference. See also Beliefs, Beliefs about people

Assertive Body Language

Assertiveness is about acting in an 'adult' manner, asserting your rights without aggression and without being submissive. Smooth Assertive body language is not jerky and tense. Nor is it held still under close control. It moves at a steady rate, indicating that the person is feeling relatively relaxed. Even when they are speaking passionately, the movement is still smooth and under control. A smooth voice is natural and even. It goes up and down in time with the words, matching the expression. The sound is warm, friendly and melodious. Vocal volume goes up and down evenly, not suddenly becoming loud or quiet. When the person looks around they do so in steady sweeps. They do not have eyes that dart about furtively nor do they stare nor are they downcast. Balanced A balanced body is upright and relaxed. Bones rest on one another, held in place by gravity, rather than leaning outward and hence having to be held together with muscular strength. Both sides of the body are used, hence both hands may be used together or in balanced sequence. A balanced voice does not go to extremes. It is not jagged nor is it monotonous. It goes up and down in a natural way that sounds honest and persuasive. Firm When we assert something we act as if is true. Feet are firmly planted, flat on the floor (including when sitting), typically slightly apart to provide a firm base. Gestures are used to emphasize truths, although not in an exaggerated way. Hence the head nods, outstretched forearms bounce downwards with the point and the body may lean slightly forwards. There is also firmness in response where the other person may attempt to dominate or avoid the point. Gentle touching may be used as encouragement and steady eye contact used to show determination. Rejection of things not wanted is done steadily and without the escalation of aggression nor with the weakness of a passive position. Aggression is avoided, particularly in facial expressions, which are gentle and concerned yet show a determination to see things through. Open The body language is open, showing no threat and fearlessly inviting response. There are no barriers across the body. Arms hang down or are held outwards. Hands are often palms-up rather than fists or placating palms down. Eye contact is regular and appropriate. There is neither aggressive staring at the other person nor are eyes submissively downcast. There is no hiding of the face or body and barriers are removed. Openness includes smiling, accepting and listening. The assertive person is attentive and checks that they have understood what the other person has said. They also respond to the concerns of others, showing this in their body language. See also Aggressive body language, Defensive body language, Submissive body language

My Agenda, Your Agenda

Conversation it is not always about what you want, as you may be also talking about what others want. How does assertiveness work in these situations? Here's how. My Agenda When working on your agenda, you are using a push principle, in that you are putting my ideas forward, expecting them to be discussed sensibly and that you will get much of what you want. If you push hard, without consideration of others and how they feel, you can end up being aggressive. If you push with consideration, then you can use assertiveness to get what you want without hurting the relationship. Your Agenda If you submit to the desires of others, whether it is in fear of harm or to preserve the relationship, then the overall result for you is negative. Assertiveness seems to be about what you want. But you can still work on what others want without being passive or submissive. Responsiveness You can create good results while working on the needs of others. Being responsive means taking a positive view of what they think. It means knowing they have rights and believing they are not bad and selfish people. Responsiveness includes: Active listening Exploring, using open questions and probing Seeking interests Building on common ground Spelling out benefits for them The Agenda Matrix This can be brought together into a single matrix, as follows: Agenda Matrix Whose Agenda? My agenda Your agenda Negative Aggressive Submissive Positive Assertive Responsive When working on my agenda, an aggressive approach may get me what I want, but it harms the other person and the relationship, with an effectively negative overall outcome. If I am assertive, then the overall outcome is positive. When working on the other person's agenda, a passive approach leads to an overall negative outcome, especially for me. I can create a better outcome, however, by being responsive to the other person. See also Building assertive beliefs

Aggressive Behavior

Description Aggressive behavior means standing up for your rights, but in a way that violates the rights of other people. It means saying what you believe in a way that assumes that it the only truth, and that any contradictory statement is wrong. Aggressive people often uses anger, aggressive body language other threatening behavior to bully, subjugate and dominate other people. They will use punishing language to infer guilt and create shame. The will use overt techniques of conversion to create unquestioning compliance. Example You're so stupid. Just do as I say and don't ask questions. What! Are you arguing with me!! How dare you!!! Was that you? You know you shouldn't have done that. Discussion The core assumption of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor is superior to others in some way, and hence that other people have lesser rights and less valid truths than you. The result of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor gets much of what they want whilst losing the respect of other people. Whilst aggressive people appear to have friends, these are often passive people who either fear leaving or seek protection. If you can cow another person then they are less likely to assertively or aggressively stand up for their rights. The goal of much aggressive behavior is to create passive behavior in others. Aggressive people often have deep fears that they project onto other people. Bullies are often cowards who use aggression as a method of attack that pre-empts others attacking them. Where they fear particular people, they may displace their revenge onto unwitting victims. See also Submissive behavior, Aggressive body language, Anger, The Seven Deadly Sins, Conditioning, Coping Mechanisms

Assertiveness is...

Description Assertive behavior means standing up for your rights and expressing your truths in a way that neither shrinks from what you want to communicate nor assumes that they are the only valid truths. Assertiveness also includes recognizing and respecting the equality, rights and truths of other people. Example John, I don't like the way you said that. I want to stay at home tonight. I think Jane is not comfortable with the way you look at her. Discussion Assertiveness can be understood in terms of what it is not: it is neither Aggressive behavior and Passive behavior. In both persuasion and defending against persuasive efforts, assertive behavior is a powerful tool. The assumptions on which assertiveness is based are that: All people have needs that they legitimately seek to satisfy, including you. All people have equal and legitimate rights, including you. All people can contribute to conversation, including you. A critical aspect of this is an assumption of equality, which leads to a respect for others that moderates, but does not obviate, the seeking to achieve one's own goals. The result of assertive behavior is that you get much of what you want whilst retaining the respect of other people. With respect to winning and losing: Aggressive behavior assumes I win, you lose. Passive behavior assumes I lose, you win. Assertive behavior assumes I win, you win. In Transactional Analysis, the Adult uses assertive behavior and language, seeking equality rather than control or safety. See also Aggressive behavior, Passive behavior, Transactional Analysis

Acting With Aplomb

Description Be calm, composed and self-assured at all times, especially when things are going wrong. Do the right thing (using social values) as far as possible and do not fret if you cannot do more. Keep a stillness within and in you external manner. Sustain grace under pressure. When others are becoming anxious and losing their heads, keep yours. When they are acting manically or reactively, calmly pause and consider what has happened and what the best thing to do will be. Take charge not by being authoritarian but by being reasonable and clear. Take decisive action and do not be distracted by sideshows. Listen to suggestions but do not be deflected by unnecessary alternatives. Give others a sense of control by demonstrating that you know what to do. Show concern for people, especially when they seem unable to care about one another (as happens when people become stressed). Be restrained in what you say, avoiding harsh words and criticism. Offer comforting words and a haven of calm. Example At a meeting there is an loud argument. The chairperson says nothing, then stands up. When she has attention she looks calmly around at the people as she notes disagreement and the need for decision. She then facilitates a stepwise resolution. There is heavy rain and floodwaters are rising. As the family panics, the father gets them busy taking things upstairs as he calmly phones friends to come and help. He gets out the insurance policy and shows them they are covered. Discussion Aplomb is not a very common word and it is also not that common a personality characteristic in business or life, yet it is greatly valued and people who use it are much admired. Dictionary definitions point to 'composure under stress'. When we are stressed, our values often change as we seek to alleviate the discomfort rather than act in rational and thoughtful ways. We hence become more selfish and uncaring and may act in ways we later regret. Those who act with aplomb set aside their inner concerns as they look to act with integrity, sustaining their calm and doing the 'right thing'. They contain their worries for now and have private ways of purging them at a later time. They may also be generally less anxious and more self-confident than others, which helps them behave in a consistently assured way. To seem more in control, a simple trick is to hold your lower body still, especially when standing and if others can see your legs. This is the area where we often leak indications of stress through our body language. Also pause before answering and generally speak slower. Taking time is a sign of power and confidence. Aplomb helps gain control but it is not a guarantee of success. Being confident is not the same as knowing the truth. In fact over-confidence can reduce seeking of data that could be used to achieve goals and avoid failure. An effective aplomb hence combines confidence with openness. See also Assertiveness, Values, Stress, Confident Body Language

Your Bill of Rights

Description Consider yourself a human, just like everyone else. Think about the rights that you should have. Think about the rights you want. Make a list of your rights. Think of it as a legal 'Bill of Rights'. Write them down. Pin the list on the wall (or even frame it). Then live by them. Example My rights are to: Express my own feelings and opinions Be listened to and taken seriously Say no without feeling guilty Ask for what I want Make mistakes Be wrong Have others apologize when they wrong me Be treated with respect Set my own priorities Get what I pay for Be told the truth Speak the truth Question others Make my own decisions Disagree with others Say nothing when I do not want to speak Determine my own future Try out new ideas Abstain, not voting if I do not have an opinion Appeal against unfairness Hold my own beliefs Have relationships with others Change my mind Have my own space Grab opportunities Take risks Dress as I wish Discussion The above example includes many rights that we actually have, yet which many people do not think they have. The notion of 'Rights' is a human conception. Rights are ideas that we socially construct, creating beliefs and agreeing values about what is right and wrong, allowed and not allowed. We then ascribe these rights to people. Some rights are universal, with everyone having the rights. Others are rights for different groups such as young, old, poor, rich, kin, enemy and so on. As a part of this, we assume rights for ourselves that may be different to rights of others. When people take a subservient, passive role, they assume they have fewer rights than those who act in a dominant way. This assumption of rights is at the root of the different behaviors of these two groups and can be seen in the different styles of body language. To be assertive is, in many ways, simply to adopt equal rights. If you believe (or just act) in a way that assumes you have the rights that you ascribe to others, you make yourself equal to them. This can be a huge breakthrough for many people. See also Willpower

Speaking Your Truths

Description Say what you believe when you want to do this. Speak your truths quietly and clearly. Whether or not it has any or absolute truth, you still have the right to say what you believe and that others listen to you. One truth that can never be denied is how you feel. If you say you are happy, sad or angry, then nobody can challenge this. Only you truly know how you are feeling. By the same chalk, you cannot say definitively how others are feeling, although you can say that they look sad or appear angry. When your truths are difficult for others to accept, you may make them easier to accept in how you say them, but it does not mean you must not say them. Also listen to others. They, too have their truths which may be different from yours. Explore the differences, seeking to understand how they come to believe these things without judging the person. Also help them understand your thinking. Know that when others do not understand or accept your truth, that does not mean that it is not true. Even if they disagree, you are not obliged to change your mind. Example I believe that if we continue in this way, the company is going to fail. Sorry, but I don't think that dress suits you. I am very disappointed with how little you have done this week. Discussion There is, arguably, no such thing as an absolute truth. Truth is a human construction. We believe things in order to understand and live in the world. Our beliefs are true to each of us, and it is valid that you and I can hold different and conflicting beliefs. Each of our truths is founded in our complex thought processes and memories. We can speak our truths, even though they may not be true for others. By sharing what you believe to be true and listening to what others believe to be true, you can find other truths in between. You might also be able to persuade them to change their truths -- and you can also be open to having your truths changed by their arguments. Sometimes truths can be uncomfortable, both for you and for other people, but this need not be reason not to speak those truths. You can be tactful in helping others to accept a truth that is difficult for them. It is surprising how often the hardest truths are also the most valuable. Remember the story of 'The Emperor's New Clothes': speaking difficult truths can have great power when all others are colluding in a larger lie. Speaking assertively does not make something true (this is the assertion fallacy that teenagers and others sometimes try to use). See also Beliefs

Manage Your Boundaries

Description Set your own boundaries for what you will and will not do. Then stick to them. When other people ask you to do things that are outside these boundaries, politely refuse. Boundaries can include: The time you will spend on doing things for others (which takes into account the time you need for your own activities). The desirability and difficulty of the work requested. The type and amount of risk that you are prepared to accept. The amount of money you will spend, including money you must spend up-front before getting paid back for this later. What other resources you will be prepared to use or lend (for example would you lend your expensive camera to a friend for a weekend?). Taking all things into account, the maximum stress you can sustain. The ethics and values that you use to decide what is right and wrong. If your boundaries will be crossed, then say no. You can do this nicely, but be firm and do not allow them to persuade you. They may use phrases like 'Only for me' or 'Just this once'. Stay firm and say 'Sorry, but no'. Discussion A lot of stress is based around relationships with others. This includes partners, children, parents, people living nearby, work colleagues, managers, local politicians and so on. It is not uncommon for people to ask us to do things for them, with an assumption that we will be able to do it quickly and easily, while the reality is that it is difficult and takes much longer than was assumed. It is also easy for people to assume we have plenty of spare time to do things for them, when our days are already overflowing. Stress is accumulative, adding up with each stressful thing we do or experience. Even a small thing can 'break the camel's back'. This is one reason why always managing your boundaries is important. If you break them once, people will assume you will break them again. When we do thing for others and we have the time and resource, we typically feel good about helping them. When we are stressed, however, we easily end up resenting them (often unconsciously), and the relationship may be damaged as a result. This is an important response to worries that we must sustain the relationship by doing whatever others ask us to do. See also Say no, Assertiveness

Standing Up For Your Rights

Description Standing up for your rights starts with knowing that you have the same rights as everyone else. It then means responding to situations where those rights are being compromised. Remind others who are contravening your rights that you have those rights. Refuse to do things that you are being asked to do that you do not want to do. When you are not being respected, demand that others treat you with respect. When others are pursuing you or otherwise giving you unwanted attention, tell them that you do not want their company. Know that you can call upon others to help you defend your rights. Example No, I am not going to work overtime. I need to see my family. Leave me alone. You are invading my privacy. There are people outside making a lot of noise. Please can you come and deal with this disturbance. Discussion You have basic rights as a human an a member of civilized society, as do all others. Within any country you have legal rights, and there is a whole legal system there to protect those rights, including your right to call upon that system for support. The same effect happens at work, where you are protected both by employment law and company regulations. General rights include: Having individual needs and want. Having individual opinions. Feeling and expressing emotions. Asking others to do things (but not demanding). Being heard by others who listen to what you have to say. Being able to say no without feeling guilty. Being able to try new things and make mistakes. Standing up for the rights of other people. Rights at work include: Knowing what is expected of you, and what 'success' means. To have a say in what you are asked to do. Being told when you are performing below expectations and having the opportunity to improve. To be allowed to get on with your job without constant interruption. To choose aspects of how you work. To arrive and go home at reasonable times. To give others feedback on their performance. To be consulted about decisions that affect you. Not being harassed or stalked. It is typical of passive behavior that the person involved gives away their rights or assumes that they have less than others. At the other extreme, the aggressive person denies the rights of others. See also Saying what you want

The Three-Part Message

Description The three-part message is a simple framework that you can use to give an assertive message when others are doing something on which you want to comment. 1. Describe behavior Describe the specific behavior of the other person in question. Note that this can be both undesirable behavior or desirable behavior. Do this simply, clearly and accurately, without any accusation or judgmental language. 2. Describe how you feel Describe how the behavior makes you feel. Do this clearly and assertively, with a minimal display of emotions. 3. Show the wider effect of their behavior Describe what the effect of the behavior is, beyond the basic effect on your emotions. This can be include how you behave, after being triggered into the emotional state, or how it affects other people and things. Example When you tell me what you want me to do I feel threatened because you raise your voice and stare at me. You have stayed after hours recently to complete this work. This makes me really proud of you and has helped us to catch up with all the lost work. You often give work in late, which I find really annoying as it makes the whole department look disorganized. Discussion Assertive messages can sometimes be difficult for the other person to accept. Clear descriptions, as with other assertive methods, helps the other person to easily understand what you are describing. People often do not realize the effect of their actions on other people. Describing your emotions can be quite a surprise for many. It is also impossible for them to deny this: only you can describe how you feel. The full extent of the effect of the behavior is also not always realized. Explaining this helps the other person to accept the impact of what they have done, beyond having affected your emotions. See also Emotions

Disagreeing

Description When another person makes a statement with which you disagree, state that you disagree with them, rather than appearing to agree. Even if you passively say nothing, you have, in effect, agreed with them. Make the fact that you disagree clear. Explain why you think the other person is wrong. Use specific evidence where you can. Use clear logic, linking cause and effect. You can soften the impact by appreciating how the other person may be mistaken, but do not let this weaken your disagreement. If you have a contrary view, then follow up your disagreement by stating this view. Where possible, be constructive, helping them see a way forward from any embarrassment. If appropriate, listen to their response, and be prepared to change your own view if what they say makes sense. Never change because of fears or threats. If you do not want to discuss the matter further, then say so. Do not be drawn into a destructive argument. If they become emotional or aggressive, stay cool and do not give in just to calm them down. Reward them for a good response to your disagreement with a smile or other accepting behavior or language. Example John, I think you're wrong. If you do that then you will add risk to the schedule. We cannot do this in less than a month. That's not true. I was there last week and saw it with my own eyes. I can see how that may appear to be so, but I spoke with Sam today and she told me that she was not there. We could try speaking with Susan. Discussion Disagreeing can be a very difficult thing for people who do not yet find assertion an easy task. Even more than saying no, it risks disapproval and social punishment. If you are drawn into an argument, you may fear being proven wrong. A constructive argument is a good test of your assertiveness and assertive beliefs, as it will require you to stay positive and rational whilst handling the other person's varying behavior. If emotions are aroused and a discussion turns into a heated argument, then rationality will be lost. Giving in to other people when their emotions are aroused is teaching them that the best way to persuade you is to become emotional. See also Saying no

Giving Criticism

Description When criticism is needed, do not avoid it, although you should pick your moment. It is often not a good idea to criticize another person in public (unless there is a particular reason for doing so. When you are going to criticize someone else, first make sure that your motivations are genuine. Do not criticize to gain points or otherwise profit from the other person. Be very specific about the things you are criticizing. Describe the action and the cause-and-effect relationship with the outcomes, saying 'when you did that, then this happened'. Criticize the action, but not the person. Rather than say 'you are wrong' say 'what you did was wrong'. Seek to neither criticize too much at once nor criticize too often. Make the criticism as easy as possible to accept. Check that they understand the criticism and accept it as positive support. Discuss what happens next, helping them to see the way forward and to avoid future criticism. If necessary, describe the consequences of repeated failure. Example Your report was not handed in on time last week. That led to me looking really stupid in the board meeting. When you left the door unlocked there was a serious risk of us being burgled. How can we ensure that it will not happen again? I am not happy about the time you are taking off for lunch. You were late for two afternoon meetings last week. Discussion If you criticize a person, then you are attacking their sense of identity, which is a fundamental part of who they are. This is highly likely to provoke a fight-or-flight reaction, and unlikely for them to carefully consider and accept the criticism. Avoiding criticism of another person may well be doing them a disservice. If you do not point out their problems, then they are probably doomed to repeat history. Frequent or multiple criticism may lead to people feeling persecuted, with the result that feel overwhelmed and unwilling or unable to improve Remember that the goal of criticism should always be to help the other person improve. It should never be about revenge or punishment. Being assertive does not mean being a judge, jury or executioner. See also Receiving Criticism, Giving Feedback

Receiving Criticism

Description When others criticize you, first pause before reacting and think honestly about what they say. Do not defend unless you really believe that you are being attacked. Even then, it can be more effective to deflect or ignore the jibe. If you know that you have done something wrong, then own up. Do not make excuses, although you may give valid reason for what happened. Ask for more detail as appropriate until you fully understand what happened. Ask for their help in avoiding such future problems. Thank them for the feedback and apologize as appropriate. Do not over-apologize! A simple 'sorry' or 'very sorry' is often enough. If necessary, find other ways to make restitution and regain trust, but do so with dignity and integrity, not by debasing yourself. Watch for them demanding excessive restitution and be assertive about this. Example Yes, you're right. I was not paying full attention. Sorry, I don't understand. Could you elaborate further? Thank you for your feedback. However, I disagree with your analysis and want to show you what you have missed. Discussion When you receive criticism, it may not be expertly done. Nevertheless, you can seek first to learn. If you treat the other person as if they are trying to help, then they will increase behavior in this direction. When others attack they may well be expecting a response and be ready (and seeking) for battle. Not responding in the way that they expected can give you both a tactical advantage and the moral high ground. See also Giving Criticism, Trust, Floppy language

Saying No

Description When you are asked to do something that you do not want to do, then you can just say no. When saying 'no', keep your refusal short, but not so abrupt as to unnecessarily upset the other person. Make sure what you are saying is crystal clear, with no scope for the other person to think that you might yet be persuaded. You can make the message clear by starting your response with 'no'. You do not need to qualify or explain your response. The fact that you have made a decision is enough. It may be helpful sometimes to explain a decision, but do not allow this as something for them to challenge. Do not apologize for your refusal and do not be apologetic in your tone. 'I'm sorry, but...' often appears weak and leads to challenges and further argument. Be firm: neither weak nor aggressive. Do not make up excuses. If you are to give a reason, then be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. Be careful about giving them explanation on which they may use objection-handling. Do not be persuaded by pleading, whining, wheedling etc. Listen to rational argument and make rational decisions based on what you have heard. Only change your mind if it makes real sense. It can help to acknowledge the other person, for example by using their name. Show that it is you making the decision rather than hiding behind other people or impersonal rules. Say 'I' rather than 'we' or 'they'. If the other person persists, repeat your reasons (do not look for new reasons to decline). Use the broken record method if necessary. Example I can't take on any extra work. My calendar is completely full for the next month. Sorry, Mike. You're a nice guy, but I do not want to go out with you. I do not want double glazing. I am happy with my house as it is, thank you. Discussion Saying 'no' is something with which many people have problems. Whilst it is easy to say yes, saying no is risking the wrath of the person involved or the other people they might tell. Ultimately, refusal may seem to risk hurting a relationship, being ostracized from the group, being fired from the company or otherwise being severely punished for your lack of cooperation. When you refuse, it may seem as if you are also giving up your right to ask something of the other person. All this is, of course, untrue. You have a basic right to refuse. The good news is that reality is nowhere near as bad as imagination. When you say 'no' assertively and clearly, you are more likely to gain respect than lose it. See also Resisting persuasion, Disagreeing

Saying What You Want

Description When you want something, say what you want. Try to find ways in which saying what you want in a way that does not hurt other people. It is not necessary to justify what you want. You can just say 'I want...'. Explanation can sometimes help, but only to persuade, not apologize. Example I want to go home early today. I want this job, more than job I have done before. I want to kiss you. Discussion You can want all kinds fo things, for example: Strategic: I want to buy a house rather than buy shares. Tactical: I want you to complete that report today. Self-focused: I want to spend a day doing absolutely nothing. Supportive: I want to understand how I can help you. Task-based: I want to finish this work today. Process-based: I want to change the way we do things. Remember that being assertive means knowing that you have rights which, as a person, are equal to others. This includes being able to say what you want without fear. To want is human and a birthright. Everyone is allowed to want. Wanting does not mean always getting what you want (if you do, then you may be being aggressive). Being assertive also includes accepting, in a non-passive way, the occasions where you do not get what you want. Although you may not get everything that you want, remember that it is not an all-or-nothing thing. You can get much of what you want through assertive negotiation, but negotiation also means making exchanges, which means giving as well as getting. See also Assertiveness is...

Asking

Description When you want something, you can ask for it. When you want others to do something, you can ask them to do it. To ask assertively: Be brief, clear and specific. Ask for what you want without elaboration or floppy language. Whilst you can explain reason, you do not need to justify your right to ask. Do not apologize for asking. Be polite, but not effusive. Do not call in favors or play on friendship. Do not use deceptive or coercive tactics. Let them decide based on the merits of what you say. Accept their answer as a valid response, although you can still question their rationale and try to persuade them with further argument. If they say 'no', then you can ask for their reasons, but do not consider them bad in any way. Respect their right to refuse, and do not the refusal as a slight on you in any way. Just as you can say 'no' to others without meaning them harm, assume that others may do likewise. Example I would like a pay rise of ten percent. This will bring me into line with industry norms for the work I am doing. Can you tell me what time you will be coming home, please. Would you like to go on a date with me? Discussion What prevents many people from asking for things is fear of refusal. But if you have the belief that others can legitimately say 'no' and that this does not constitute a personal attack on you or somehow degrade or reduce your worth, then you will find it easier to ask. Floppy language when you ask for something is often a signal that you do not really believe that you deserve what you are asking for, and hence is a cue for the other person to refuse. See also Questioning techniques

Praise

Description You can use assertion both in giving praise and receiving it. Giving praise In giving praise assertively, be specific about the other person has done well. Mention the value that the other person has created and how you feel about it. Make the praise heartfelt. Do not say anything that you do not really mean. You can praise your superiors as well as peers and subordinates. Many managers receive very little recognition from their charges and a little appreciation can go a long way. Be careful and succinct with this -- it is easy to appear as if you are sucking up to them. A simple way of doing this is to thank them when they have helped you in some way. Accepting praise When other people praise you, accept it with a slightly surprised thanks. Do not be arrogant or show that you expected the praise ('Yes, it was rather good, I though'). Nor be excessively diffident, effectively refusing to accept the praise or downplaying your part in it ('Oh, it was nothing, really'). Example Jed, you did a great job of getting the project completed to schedule. I have had several very complimentary comments from our customers about it. Michelle, I really liked the way you handled Steve, yesterday. That was a tricky situation and could easily have got out of hand. Thank you. That's very kind of you to say that. (accepting praise) Discussion Praise is a powerful motivator, if done well. It affirms the other person's sense of identity, increasing their sense of worth. It also tells them what they are doing well. Generally, people will do more of the things for which they are praised, but only as long as they believe that they deserve the praise and that it was genuinely offered and without ulterior motive. Weak praise can sound like empty flattery, seeking to appease the other person rather than offer genuine appreciation. When you give praise when it is not really deserved, then you make worthless any praise that is deserved. As a result, the other person will never really feel praised (and will dislike you for 'assassinating praise'). Aggressive praise can sound like cynicism or sarcasm that still seeks to keep the other person in an inferior position. It happens when people realize that the other person has done a good job but rather than truly admiring the other person, they feel threatened, and that their own limitations have been shown up (perhaps deliberately). See also Identity, Praise (motivation), Praise (teaching)

Submissive Behavior

Description submissive (or passive) behavior means shying away from saying what you really mean and not seeking to achieve your needs, particularly when someone else has conflicting needs. A submissive person is a shrinking violet, avoiding upsetting others either because they fear them or they fear to hurt their feelings. When things go wrong, the submissive person is likely to assume that they are to blame in some way, and accept culpability when singled out by other people. You can often see submissiveness in the use of such as floppy language, qualifiers and submissive body language, although these do not always indicate submissive behavior. Example A child is bullied at school but neither fights back nor tells the teachers. They may wish they could be stronger, like the bully. A manager tends to avoid giving complex work to one of their subordinates who complains whenever something becomes difficult. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I should have realized that you wanted to go elsewhere. Discussion The core assumption of submissive behavior is that you are inferior to others in some way, and hence that other people have greater rights and more valid truths than you. In Transactional Analysis, the adaptive child may become submissive when coping with the controlling parent. The submissive person will typically suppress their feelings and repress memories of being dominated, particularly early triggers that led them to their submissive state. They may also cope with the disappointment of not getting what they want by trivializing. The result of submissive behavior is that you get little of what you want whilst losing the respect of other people. You are also likely to fall into a spiral of failing self-esteem, internal anger and psychosomatic problems. See also Floppy language, Qualifiers, Submissive body language, Coping Mechanisms, Fear, Distress

Expressing Feelings

Expressing emotions, showing what you feel, particularly when it is a strong emotion is often socially unacceptable in many cultures and particular situations. You can, however, show that you are feeling something in assertive ways, communicating your emotion without imposing it in ways that upset others or display a lack of control. Done well, this can be very powerful. Name the emotion A simple first step is to name the emotion, showing what you are feeling with just the word that best describes it. This makes it unambiguous and impossible for them to deny. Only you can say how you feel. I am feeling angry. Controlled description Rather than display the emotion with outbursts, coolly describe the emotion. Normally, when emotions take over, rational control disappears. When you describe emotions, you demonstrate significant self-control, which has strong persuasive power. Explain why you are feeling what you are feeling, indicating cause. This makes the description even more rational and effective. The cause of the emotion may be the general situation. It may also be the actions of the other person. A simple formula you can use is: I am feeling...about...because of... For example: I am feeling angry about not being able to defend myself because you have not let me do so. Supporting body language Emotions are often shown in body language. If you describe yourself as angry, it would be a mixed message to show happiness with your face while saying you are angry. As you are indicating controlled emotion in your words, the same should be reflected in your body. Hence if you are saying you are angry, a supporting face would be redder, with less blinking, lowered eyebrows, etc. To show that you are in control of yourself, however, this should be hinted at, not with appearances of extreme anger, etc. Being expressive You do not have to keep expression of emotions just for extreme situations. You can say how you feel at any time for any reason. The only caveat being a consideration for others and the extent to which they are able to comfortably accept how you feel. Remember that you can express both negative and positive emotions. Sometimes we focus more on negative emotions, yet expressing positive emotions can be more powerful in motivating others. I feel really happy that you have worked hard to complete this in time. Thank you. See also Emotions, Using Body Language

Confident Body Language

How do some people appear confident, while others seem unsure or anxious in some ways? If you can get others to think you are confident, then they may well trust and believe you more easily. In contrast, if you appear uncertain, how can they accept what you say as being true? Still Anxious people are tense, and it shows. Their bodies are always moving, typically in jerky movements that betray their muscular tension. Standing When an anxious person is standing, they typically get 'happy feet', stepping around the place. A confident person is comfortable standing in one place, without even tapping their feet. Balance your weight evenly, with feet planted a hip-width apart. When weight is on one leg, it indicates readiness to move. When you are balanced, you are firmly planted, indicating intent to stay and having no fear of attack. Sitting When sitting, place yourself comfortably, leaning back in the seat rather than anxiously forward. You may put your hands on your lap or behind your head when relaxing, or steeple them when making evaluative decisions. Keep the lower body still, with both feet planted on the ground or loosely crossed for comfort. Entwined or twitching legs are signs of anxiety. Head One of the simplest ways to show confidence is to hold your head still. Anxious people are always looking for threats. Fix on a point in front of you to help you keep your head in one place. Keep your head upright and with your chin level, as if you were suspended from a point at the crown of your head. Anxious people tend to hold the chin low, originally in order to protect the vulnerable neck from attack. Arms We often wave our arms about when talking or clasp them together when concerned. While you can make smaller movements, generally you can allow them to be still, resting in your lap or hanging at your side. A common confident pose with hands is held lightly in front or behind the back (this is typical of royalty and presidents). Holding one's own hands can be seen as a sign of anxiety so do be careful with this. Fidgeting is a sign of anxiety. Confident people can keep their hands still without the need to move or hide them. Showing one's hands is a way of building confidence as it indicates you are not twitchy, have no weapons nor are balling fists. For this reason it is a good idea to keep your hands out of any pockets, although thumbs lightly in pockets can indicate a casual confidence. Unhurried A common effect of anxiety is that people speed up, speaking faster and moving their body quickly. A confident person does not need to act quickly and shows this by acting at a measured and steady pace. Speed When you move, do so steadily. This does not mean going at an unnaturally slow rate, although it might seem this way. This may feel so strange, it can be useful to get feedback from someone else as to what seems natural and relaxed. Also reduce the speed of your speech. We think much faster than we talk and it is easy to end up speaking so fast others cannot understand us. They may also assume our fast talk is related more to anxiety than thinking speed. In movement, take good-sized strides, rather than timid or hurried steps. Pauses As well as generally going slower, add pauses, both in your speech and your movement. For example when you are getting up, move to edge of the seat, pause, then get up. Likewise when walking, point the way you are going, then step. Pausing sends a signal to other people, letting them process what you are about to do and so reduces the chance of them being surprised or worried. This is just one way that confident people inspire confidence in others. Silence Even a period of silence or inaction can be comfortable for a confident person. Silence is unsettling for many and it can hence be a useful persuasive device that also enhances your image of quiet confidence. Uncovered When we are feeling anxious, we tend to cover ourselves with our hands and bodies, protecting vulnerable areas from attack. Confident people do not feel the need to defend, and show this with a clear openness. Open When people are feeling defensive, they use closed body language. When they are feeling confident, they use open body language, exposing vulnerable parts of the body and staying relaxed. Expressive Confident people feel able to express emotions, including with movement of their bodies. They tend not to over-do emotion as people who are too expressive really be seeking sympathy or trying to coerce others. Confident people do not need to do this. They also smile more, including with their eyes. Natural Above all else, a confident person appears natural. They do not look like they are managing their body, nor that they need to do so. For this reason, confident body language is often evidence of real confidence as opposed to it all being an act. Direct Anxious people hedge their bets, already being ready to escape. If you are confident, you can be direct, without sending a signal that you are uncomfortable and ready to leave at a moment's notice. Instead, you can confidently engage with the other person, showing you feel safe. Greeting Greet people assertively, looking them in the eyes and smiling. Keep your body relaxed. When you shake hands, do so with a firm grip (but not one that is aggressively strong). Facing When engaging with another person, you may face them directly, perhaps leaning in. Do not do this in a dominant way, getting too close too soon. Dominant people often have insecurities and use aggression to cover up a lack of confidence. Confident people look at others. They do not need to scan their environment in search of threats. They hold people with their gaze, which is relaxed and without either narrowing nor opening wide the eyes. Listening Anxious or dominant people often feel the need to speak. Confident people do not need their beliefs verified nor their egos stroked, and so are comfortable just listening, which is of course a great way to get closer to other people. Gesture A confident person makes limited, firm and smooth gestures, typically to amplify what they are saying. They neither defensively hold themselves in nor make large power moves that grab space. They often use open, relaxed palms. And At root, confidence is a lack (or effective control) of fear. A confident person does not feel threatened by others, as many of us do. This can lead to false confidence and naivety when there is a real threat, which is why an effectively confident person has a realistic threat assessment and may well have a contingency ready so they know they can cope with dangers as they appear. There is a fine line between others interpreting your body language as being a sign of confidence or or arrogance, so care is needed here. A quietly confident person is liked and admired. An arrogant person, on the other hand, is disliked and despised. The difference is that the arrogant person uses confidence to gain status as they feel (or want to feel) superior to others. The quietly confident person, on the other hand, feels equal to others. See also Open Body Language, Relaxed Body Language, Power Body Language, Assertiveness, Confidence principle

Floppy Language

Method When you want to fail at persuading, one of the best ways is to use floppy language. Many of us use floppy language without knowing it. Being non-floppy is a good first step to speaking more persuasively. Preparation Before you begin, you need to get your beliefs set up to ensure you fail to persuade. First, you need to put yourself in an inferior position. Everyone else is better than you, of course. their opinions are right and yours is wrong. This then sets you up to be powerless. Everyone else has power and you, because of your inferiority in all aspects, have none. Now you can know, in your heart of hearts, that you will fail to achieve anything in life. So when you do fail, you can, at least in that respect, be right. Enactment When trying to persuade someone, turn on the full force of floppy language. This includes: Apologising frequently, for example starting sentences with 'I'm sorry'. Mumbling incoherently. Broken sentences with pauses, 'um's, 'er's and other signals of uncertainty. Speaking statements as if they were questions. Letting sentences tail off into nonsensical ramblings. Making frequent use of qualifiers that signal uncertainty and willingness to concede. Use of submissive body language. Example Yes, er, well I thought that you might, if you want to, that is, think a bit about these, um, ideas that I sort of had. I'm sorry if this is a bad time, but I did want to, well, er, let you, um, know that I am trying to help if I can. Er. Discussion The underlying state that causes much floppy language is low self-esteem. If you believe yourself inferior to others, you will verbally place yourself on a lower rung and concede at the earliest opportunity. Floppy language is not used just by totally weak-willed wimps. In fact many people who seem very assured and confident let their floppiness slip out from time to time. Most of us believe we are superior to everyone else (and those that do often have a serious self-esteem problem that they have hidden, even from themselves). Watch out for little bits of floppiness leaking into your persuasive language. When others are prepared and listening carefully, they may take this as a signal of weakness and use it as a lever. Of course, you can also look for floppiness in others and use it appropriately. See also Qualifiers, Assertiveness