chapter 7

Lee's Theory of Love: Obsessive Love

Based on a combination of playful love and love of beauty, desire to manipulate and hold back feelings. "Drama queens"- high peaks and low valleys. Very needy. This is called addictive love. Limerance is also discussed here—the book says this is not love. It is a preoccupation with the object of their love during sleeping and waking hours.

Champion/Advocate

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Caring: "I realize that whatever my parents say that was critical of him just made me all the more determined to defend him."

Giving the Utmost

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Caring: "I would sell everything I had to get money if she needed it."

Respect

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "He doesn't give advice unless asked, but then it is always good."

Confiding

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "He tells me things that no one else knows about him."

Spontaneity

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "I feel completely comfortable around her."

Mutual Assistance

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "I feel like doing things that she needs to have done."

Enjoyment

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "I find whatever we do more enjoyable when Jim and I do it together"

Trust

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "I just know I can count on her; whatever she says, she will do"

Understanding

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "I know what makes her tick."

Acceptance

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Friendship: "She appreciates my style"

Fascination

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Passion: "I have trouble concentrating; she just seems to be in my head no matter what I'm doing."

Sexual Desire

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Passion: "I want to touch and have sex with her."

Exclusiveness

Davis and Todd's Theory of Love: Passion: "What we have is different from anything I've ever had with anyone else.

Self-Fulfillment

Foundations of Intimacy: , as a foundation for interpreting intimate relationships, is based on the assumption that the more our needs are fulfilled by the relationship, the greater will be our feelings of intimacy. The most discussed areas of need satisfaction in the pursuit of intimacy are:

Situational and Development Factors

Foundations of Intimacy: circumstances can sometimes play a sizeable role in the facilitation or inhibition of intimate relationships. People who work together sometimes develop relationships. Certain events are supposed to happen at certain times in our lives.

Self Surrender

Foundations of Intimacy: deals with giving. The extent to which one is willing to give another person is reflective of the degree of intimacy she/he feels.

Commitment to a Joint Identity

Foundations of Intimacy: demonstrating an ongoing commitment to the relationship—being faithful, etc.

Cultural Guidelines

Foundations of Intimacy: every culture has its norms and guidelines around which we are expected to structure our perceptions and behavior in intimate relationships. Our cultural guidelines also address the characteristics of people most suited for the development of intimate relationships—pairs who are physically attractive, single, opposite-sexed, similar in age and social background, who have known each other for an appropriate length of time, and who sexually desire each other.

Emotional Arousal and Labeling

Foundations of Intimacy: our body chemistry works with social factors, especially with physiological arousal. Once we label a relationship as an emotional one, it will affect our expectations, perceptions, and motivation. The word "ecstasy" is derived from the Greek word meaning "deranged." We learn our labels from observation, parents, etc.—it is an ongoing process.

Personality and Early Experiences

Foundations of Intimacy: we bring to our relationships our own unique experiences and behavioral orientations or personalities

Security Needs

Not only includes the rather primitive forms of security such as food, shelter, and friends, but it also includes the psychological security that is derived from the absence of threat, the presence of ego-supportive communications, and a healthy amount of predictiveness in the relationship and the environment.

Lee's Theory of Love: Love of Beauty

Passionate and intense. Attracted to physical beauty. Eager for quick self-disclosure and physical intimacy. Experience strong emotional peaks and valleys

Lee's Theory of Love: Companionate Love

Patient. Let love grow. Don't like turbulence. Offer stability and predictability. Less preoccupied with their lovers than others may be.

Affection and Respect

Rubin believes liking is...

Attachment, caring, and intimacy

Rubin believes loving is...

Self-Esteem Needs

The parties to an intimate relationship must recognize and deal with ways in which self-respect, recognition, appreciation, and status can be communicated, and how often messages of this type are required.

Freedom Needs

balance; can't feel too limited or too restrained, but need some dependency

Lee's Theory of Love: Realistic Love

based on the combination of #2 control with #3 patience. Compatibility is examined and sought based on practicality. Feelings sometimes subordinate to logical thoughts. Weird the pros and cons of the relationships (computer-dating match ups). Changes in life goals and the need for a less predictable relationship may pose challenges to the viability of this style.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Empty Love

commitment

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Companionate love

commitment, intimacy

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Consummate Love

commitment, intimacy, passion

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Fatuous Love

commitment, passion

Lee's Theory of Love: Altruistic Love

constantly place the other person's needs above own. No reciprocity required. Might create problems because person might seem to be more of a spectator in life's activities rather than a full-fledged participant.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Liking

intimacy

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Romantic Love

intimacy, passion

Lee's Theory of Love: Playful Love

love to play the game. Often more concerned with other tings than relationships (work). Playing the game is as rewarding as winning the prize. Likes variety and good times. Problems arise when partner desires a deeper commitment.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Nonlove

nothing

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Infatuation

passion

Equality Needs

sometimes superior, subordinate, or equal (dependent on circumstance)

Affection Needs

the satisfaction of one's need for affection is a minimal and basic requirement for intimacy. This overlaps with what some call a sense of belonging.