Communication - Interpersonal - Chapter 7 - 12
Understand the relational-emotive approach - that thoughts cause feelings.
*Rational -emotive approach changes feelings by changing unproductive interpretations *It is not the event that caused the emotions, but the belief held about the event *No one can make you feel anything (Activating Event →Thought or Belief→ Consequences being called names →"I've done something wrong." →hurt, upset being called names →"My friend must be sick."→ pity, sympathy)
Mindful Listening
- giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive.
Mindless Listening
- reacting to others' messages automatically and routinely, without much mental investment.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 3 PARAPHRASING - restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent.
1. Change the speaker's wording 2. Offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about 3. Reflect the underlying theme of the speaker's remarks There are two levels at which you can paraphrase mes- sages. The first involves feedback of factual information; the second involves reflecting personal information.
Understand emotional intelligence.
Ability to understand and manage own emotions to be sensitive to other's feelings
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 7 EVALUATING
An evaluating response appraises the sender's thoughts or behaviors in some way. The evaluation may be favorable ("That's a good idea" or "You're on the right track now") or unfavorable.
What are the 7 reasons we form relationships?
Appearance Similarity Complimentary Rewards Competency Proximity Disclosure
Conflict styles
Avoidance (Lose/Lose) Accommodation(Lose/Win) Competition(Win/Lose) Collaboration(Win/Win) Compromise(win/win or lose/lose)
Avoidance
Avoidance generally reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflict. Avoiders usually believe it's easier to put up with the status quo than to face the problem head-on and try to solve it. You might choose to avoid certain topics or situations if the risk of speaking up is too great, such as get- ting fired from a job you can't afford to lose, being humiliated in public, or even suffering physical harm.
Levels of confirming/disagreeing/dis-confirming messages
Confirming: conveys that the person receiving the message has value. Disagreeing: Argumentative/complaining Dis-confirming: dismissive
Understand dialectical tentions
Conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist similtaneously.
2 dimensions of every message
Context Relational
Gibb's 6 pairs of communication behavior
Control vs problem orientation Strategy vs spontaneity Neutrality vs empathy Superiority vs equality Certainty vs provisional Evaluation vs description
Four horsemen of toxic conflict
Criticism - attack character Defensiveness: deny responsibility Contempt: belittle and demean Stonewall: shut down/avoid any dialogue
Conflict management steps
Define your needs Share these needs Listen to the needs of others Suggest possible solutions Evaluate the solutions suggested Implement solutions Follow up after implementation to evaluate success.
Conformity orientation
Degree to which a family stresses uniformity of attitudes/values/beliefs
Conversation orientation
Degree to which one favors an open climate of discussion
Confirming messaging
EG: Telling their children that they are unique and valuable as human beings and genuinely listening to their children when being told something of importance.
Dis-confirming messaging
EG: belittling, statements that communicate what you think doesn't matter.
Dimensions of intimacy
Emotional Physical Intellectual Shared activites
Social support
Emotional Social *Empathy/caring Informational *Recommendations. *Advice and observation. Instrumental support
Maximize facilitative emotions?
Enjoy and savor positive emotional experiences Regard challenging situations as opportunities Focus on what you gained, not what you lost Choose compassion over contempt.
What is conflict?
Expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources and interfere from the other party in achieving their goal
Face threatening acts and defensiveness
Face-threatening - challenging of the image we want to projects. Defensiveness - response to the challenge to one's face often producing an attacking response
Know the fallacies that lead to debilitative emotions.
Fallacy of perfection - Over generalization Fallacy of Approval - Causation Fallacy of should - helplessness
What are friendships - how are they created?
Friendships are voluntary relationships that provide social support. They are created, managed and maintained through communication
5 love languages
Gifting Quality time Words of affirmation Physicality Acts of services
COMPONENTS OF LISTENING
HEARING ATTENDING UNDERSTANDING REMEMBERING RESPONDING
Symmetrical conflict
If both partners treat one another with matching hostility, one threat and insult leads to another in an escalatory spiral.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 6 ANALYZING
In analyzing a situation, the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker's message.Interpretations are often effective in helping people who have problems seeing alternative meanings of a situation— meanings they would have never thought of without your assistance.
Different stages of relational development and key characteristics of each
Initiating - Show you are interested in making contact. Demonstrate you are worth talking to Experimenting - small talk Intensifying - spending more time together - a time of relational excitement. Bonding - symbolic gestures to show world that the relationship exists Differentiating: Re-establishment individual identity from 'our' to 'my' Circumscribing: reducing contact Stagnating: No joy. Avoiding: create distance between each other Terminating: different ways to do it
Triangular theory and consummate love
Intimacy:Closeness Passion: Physical attraction Commitment:decisions to maintain a relationship over time consummate love—the combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
Understanding invitational communication
Invitational: approach that welcomes others to see your point of view and share their own.
Disengaged
Little cohesion/very disconnected/little direct communication.
What does it mean when we talk about families as 'systems'?
Members are interdependent. Family is more than the sum of its parts
What is metacommunication
Messages that refer to other messages - communicating about communication
Relational transgressions
Minor Vs Significant Social Vs Relational Deliberate Vs Unintentional
Steps in minimizing debilitative emotions:
Monitor your emotional reaction Note the activating event *Types of settings *Specific people *Setting Record self-talk Dispute irrational belief
What are family narratives, rituals and rules?
Narratives: stories that reinforce shared goals, teach moral values, stress family concerns, illustrate how members relate to one another, reflect how members operate in the world. Rituals: common gestures/actions that demonstrate membership of the family. Rules: common rules about a variety of communication practices. Can be explicit or implicit. - knowing what are the family boundaries between what can and can't be said and when.
Know the 4 components of emotions.
PHYSIOLOGICAL CHANGES NONVERBAL REACTIONS COGNITIVE INTERPRETATIONS NONVERBAL EXPRESSION
Things to consider when choosing conflict style
Person Situation Your goals
Identify the different influences on emotional expression
Personality Ethnicity Individualism collectivism Gender
5 Strategies of relational maintenance
Positivist Openness Assurance Sharing tasks Social networking
Poor listening habits -
Pseudolistening Stage hogging Selective listening Filling in gaps Insulated listening Defensive listening Ambushing
Know the guidelines for expressing emotions.
RECOGNIZE YOUR FEELINGS CHOOSE THE BEST LANGUAGE SHARE MULTIPLE FEELINGS RECOGNIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELING AND ACTING ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS CHOOSE THE BEST TIME AND PLACE TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
Relational repair
Research confirms the commonsense notion that a first step to repairing a transgression is to talk about the violation. The seriousness of the transgression and the relative strength of the relationship prior to the offense are the two most significant factors in whether forgiveness will be granted
Social exchange theory
Rewards - costs + outcomes
Responding non defensively to criticism
Seek More Information - sometimes a criticism isn't clear and there may even be a grain of truth in it. Agree with the critic - acknowledge and accept the other person's point of view and still maintain your position.
Types of friendships
Short vs long term Task vs maintenance orientated Low vs high disclosure low vs high obligation infrequent vs frequent contact
Communication climate
Social tone of a relationship Each relationship has it's on unique tone A climate doesn't involve specific activities as much as the way people feel about each other as they carry out those activities.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 5 SUPPORTING
Supporting responses reveal the listener's solidarity with the speaker's situation. "expressions of care, concern, affection, and interest, especially during times of stress or upset"
What is a family
System of two or more interdependent people who have a common history and a present reality who expect to influence each other's future.
Know what makes an emotion facilitative vs. debilitative.
That which contributes to effective functioning vs that which hinder or prevent effective performance.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 1 —SILENT LISTENING staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback.
There are times when the best response is to say nothing. This is certainly true when you don't want to encourage a speaker to keep talking. Silent listening isn't just an avoidance strategy. There are even times when silent listening can help others solve their problems
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 2 QUESTIONING - the listener asks the speaker for additional information. There are several reasons to ask sincere, nondirective questions:
To clarify meanings. To learn about others' thoughts, feelings, and wants. To encourage elaboration. To encourage discovery. To gather more facts and details. Not all questions are genuine requests for information. Whereas sincere questions are aimed at understanding others, counterfeit questions are really disguised attempts to send a message, not receive one.
Conflict rituals
Unacknowledged by very real repeated patterns of interlocking behavior
Enmeshed family
Very cohesive/everyone knows everyone else's business and little independence
Listening
We define listening—at least the interpersonal type—as the process of receiving and responding to others' messages.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 8 ADVISING
When approached with another's problem, the most common reaction is advising (Notarius & Herrick, 1988). We're all familiar with advising re- sponses: "If you're so unhappy, you should just quit the job"; "Just tell him what you think"; "You should take some time off.
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 4 EMPATHIZING
a response style listeners use when they want to show that they identify with a speaker.Notice that empathizing identifies with the speaker's emotions and perceptions more than paraphrasing does, yet offers less evaluation and agreement than supporting responses.
Four Listening Styles 4 - Critical listening
a strong desire to evaluate messages. They may or may not apply the tools of analytical listening; but in either case, they go beyond trying to understand the topic at hand and try to assess its quality.
Four Listening Styles 2 - Relational listening
are most concerned with building emotional closeness with others. They are typically extroverted, attentive, and friendly.
direct aggression:
character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, maledictions (wishing the other bad fortune), teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems (e.g., fist shaking, arm waving).
Competition
competition seeks to resolve conflicts "my way." some men and women in dating relationships used competition to enrich their interaction.
Four Listening Styles 3 - Analytical listening
concerned about attending to the full message before coming to judgment. They want to hear details and analyze an issue from a variety of perspectives.
Compromise
gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. People usually settle for a compromise when it seems that partial satisfaction is the best they can hope for.
Common barriers to listening include
information overload, personal concerns, rapid thought, and no
Hearing
is the process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain
Four Listening Styles 1 - Task orientated listening
most concerned with efficiency and accomplishing the job at hand. Task-oriented listeners see time as scarce and valuable, and they often grow irritated when they believe others are wasting it.
Passive aggression
occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner
Accomodation
occurs when we allow others to have their own way rather than asserting our own point of view. If accommodation is a genuine act of kindness, generosity, or love, then chances are good that it will enhance the relationship. Most people appreciate those who "take one for the team," "treat others as they want to be treated," or "lose the battle to win the war."
Complimentary conflict
partners in conflict use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors
Collaboration
seeks win-win solutions to conflict. It involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way." In the best case, collaborating can lead to a win-win outcome, where each person gets what she or he wants
Characteristics of successful relationships
share joys and sorrows provide a listening ear maintain confidences lend a helping hand stand up for each other have a balance of exchanges value both connection and autonomy
TYPES OF LISTENING RESPONSES 2 QUESTIONING - Counterfeit questions
• Questions that trap the speaker. • Questions that make statements. • Questions that carry hidden agendas. • Questions that seek "correct" answers. • Questions based on unchecked assumptions.
