Crucial Conversations

60. What are two benefits of enriching the Pool of Shared Meaning through dialogue?

1. It helps individuals make better choices. 2. People willingly act on whatever decisions they make - with both unity and conviction.

44. Ch 9 #1: When a crucial conversation comes to an end, what two mistakes do we often make?

- They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made (violated expectations). - They do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make (inaction).

94. What are some characteristics or uses of Contrasting?

- it is not Apologizing - it provides context and proportion; when others experience our words as bigger or worse than intended - for prevention or first aid - to bolster safety - before we see others going to either silence or violence

2. Ch 1&2 #2: What are some examples of typical crucial conversations?

- talking with a boss about a possible promotion. - a meeting with coworkers to pick a new marketing strategy. - a spouse's perception that her partner flirted with someone at a party. - speaking with a neighbor about the position of a fence. - ending a relationship - dealing with a rebellious teen

51. Based on the authors' research, what is a source of power for strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities?

. . . the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, and controversial topics.

52. What do the authors consider to be the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones?

. . . the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.

47. Ch 10-11 #2: What two principles are most helpful to keep in mind when you're just beginning to apply the crucial conversation skills to your every-day conversations?

1. "Learn to Look" for whether you are in or out of dialogue. 2. "Make It Safe"

11. Ch 3 #4a: Why is it important to ask what we want for ourselves, others, and the relationship?

1. (Find your bearings) Being clear about goals can help in achieving dialogue. 2. (Take charge of your body) The problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats.

89. What are three skills that help build or re-build either Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect?

1. Apologize 2. Contrast 3. Create a Mutual Purpose

95. What are four skills that help create Mutual Purpose?

1. Commit to seek Mutual Purpose; Start with Heart; make a unilateral public commitment to stay in the conversation until you come up with something that serves everyone. 2. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people why they want what they are pushing for. Separate what they are demanding from the purpose it serves. E.g., strategy = one person wants to stay home; purpose = because they are tired of running around and dealing with the hassles of the city 3. Invent a Mutual Purpose (if needed, move to more encompassing goals, higher and longer-term goals) 4. Brainstorm new strategies that meet everyone' needs. With a clear Mutual Purpose, you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone.

68. What are two important purposes served by asking what we really want?

1. It reminds us of our goal, to encourage dialogue. 2. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

4. Ch 1&2 #4: When faced with crucial conversations, why are we often on our worst behavior?

1. We are designed wrong: emotions prepare us for fight or flight, not for effective conversation. 2. We are under pressure since crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. 3. We're stumped and don't know where to start. 4. We act in self-defeating ways.

3. Ch 1&2 #3: How do we typically handle crucial conversations?

1. We avoid them. 2. We face them and handle them poorly. 3. We face them and handle them well.

50. When we face crucial conversations, what are three actions from which we can choose?

1. We can avoid them. 2. We can face them and handle them poorly. 3. We can face them and handle them well.

98. Once you have created your upset emotions, what are your two options?

1. You can act on them, or 2. be acted on by them.

45. Ch 9 #2a: What are the four different methods of decision making?

1. command 2. consult 3. vote 4. consensus

82. When the authors use the phrase "Learn to Look," what are five things for which we might look?

1. content and conditions 2. when things become crucial 3. watch for safety problems 4. are others moving toward silence or violence 5. outbreaks of your Style Under Stress

54. What are two areas of health in which research results indicate capable handling of crucial conversations improves outcomes?

1. improved immune system 2. better cancer outcomes

1. Ch 1&2 #1: What are three elements that make a conversation crucial?

1. opposing opinions 2. high stakes 3. strong emotions

16. Ch 4 #2b: What three conditions do masters of dialogue pay attention to?

1. the moment a conversation turns crucial 2. signs that people don't feel safe (silence or violence) 3. one's own Style Under Stress

70. Three conditions to watch for:

1. the moment a conversation turns crucial 2. signs that people don't feel safe (silence or violence) 3. your own Style Under Stress

53. What are three categories that people usually fall into when they are in heated discussions?

1. those who digress into threats and name-calling 2. those who revert to silent fuming 3. those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively

34. Ch 7 #1: When we care the most about something, how are we likely to express ourselves?

We are likely to state our opinions so strongly that we risk shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.

6. Ch 1&2 #5b: What is the Pool of Shared Meaning?

A group's combination of thoughts and feelings about a topic.

63. "Work on me first, us second."

A principle that summarizes the first problem we usually face with crucial conversations.

43. Ch 8 #4: What is it we're trying to do when we use our AMPP skills?

AMPP skills are listening skills that help establish safety and encourage others to share their paths. A - ask to tell story, M - mirror to confirm, P - paraphrase to acknowledge, P - prime for more information

13. Ch 3 #5: When we stop, take a breath, and ask ourselves what we really want, how does it affect our immediate physical and emotional response?

We are reminded of our goal, to engage in dialogue, and our body shifts from an emotional to a more cerebral response.

28. Ch 6 #1: Who makes us angry?

We make ourselves angry.

64. When under attack, with opinions and strong feelings, what is a usual and counterproductive tendency?

We often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.

67. What are three questions (plus one more equally telling question) that can help a conversation return to dialogue?

What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? Plus one more - How would I behave, if I really wanted these results?

66. When being verbally attacked, what is an important question to ask?

What do I really want here? - as a way of returning to focus on encouraging dialogue in order to add to the pool of meaning.

69. During a crucial conversation, what is dual-processing?

simultaneously watching for content and conditions

99. What do sarcastic comments sometimes signify?

suppressed emotions

23. Ch 5 #2b: Why is Mutual Respect the continuance condition of dialogue?

Because respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose - it is now about defending dignity.

14. Ch 4 #1: Why do we typically get caught up in the content of a crucial conversation and miss the conditions?

Because the stakes and emotions are high, we get caught up in the content.

9. Ch 3 #2: What's the meaning of the expression "Start with Heart"?

Begin high risk discussions with the right motives, and stay focused on them.

93. Which of the two parts of Contrasting is the more important?

the "don't" is the more important part because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.

96. What s the acronym for four skills to create Mutual Purpose?

CRIB Commit to seek Mutual Purpose Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a Mutual Purpose Brainstorm new strategies

36. Ch 7 #2b: In order to make it safe for others to hear our views, why not start with our story?

Conclusions or stories can be highly controversial and emotional.

27. Ch 5 #5b: When people misunderstand your purpose or respect, how can contrasting help?

Contrasting enables you to step out of the argument and rebuild safety.

26. Ch 5 #5a: What is contrasting?

Contrasting is a don't/do statement that: Addresses other's concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don't part). Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).

91. Contrasting

Contrasting is a don't/do statement that: - Addresses other's concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don't part). - Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).

33. Ch 6 #6: Why should we start by assuming that others are reasonable and rational?

Doing so helps us identify what role we might have played in creating the problem. We have a better chance of changing our behavior to influence the conditions. If we don't admit to our errors, we inevitably look for ways to justify our errors. We justify our errors by telling "clever" stories involving villains, victims, or helplessness.

92. When is contrasting an appropriate way to return safety to a conversation?

when others misinterpret either your purpose or intent.

35. Ch 7 #2a: In order to make it safe for others to hear our views, why start with the facts?

Facts are the least controversial and least insulting. Facts provide a safe beginning. Facts can also be very persuasive.

65. What are three killers of healthy dialogue?

winning, punishing, and keeping the peace

31. Ch 6 #4: When we're feeling upset, why is it important to get back to the facts?

Getting back to the facts help to distinguish reality from our stories.

39. Ch 7 #3: Why ask others to share their views?

If they don't share their views, you can't test the accuracy and relevance of your views.

32. Ch 6 #5: Why should we ask what role we may be playing in the problem?

In order to counteract the role and to take charge of the emotional aspect of the interaction.

7. Ch 1&2 #5c: How does the Pool of Shared Meaning both motivate and enable people to make better choices?

It exposes individuals to more accurate and relevant information. They will be more committed and motivated regarding decisions.

22. Ch 5 #2a: Why is Mutual Purpose the entry condition of dialogue?

It helps establish safety and trust for both or all participants.

42. Ch 8 #3: What does it mean to explore others' Paths?

It involves establishing safety through being sincere and curious in order to encourage the other to share their facts and stories.

21. Ch 5 #1: What is Mutual Purpose?

It is the entry condition of dialogue. It means that others perceive that you're working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa.

46. Ch 9 #2b: Why is it often important to decide up front which decision method you're going to use?

Knowing how decisions will be handled helps move from meaning to action and accountability.

41. Ch 8 #2: How do we help them [someone who has gone to silence or violence] share what they are really thinking?

Make it safe for them to share their facts and stories.

8. Ch 3 #1: What does the expression "work on me first" mean? Why is it important?

More often than not, we do something to contribute to the problems we are experiencing. We are likely to be most successful by focusing on changes we can make to ourselves.

85. What is the first condition of safety?

Mutual Purpose

84. What are two conditions of safety?

Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect

87. What is the continuance condition for dialogue?

Mutual Respect

12. Ch 3 #4b: What do our wants often change to?

Our wants often change to physiologically based desires to win, punish, or keep the peace.

15. Ch 4 #2a: What two aspects of conversations are masters of dialogue constantly monitoring?

They constantly monitor both content and conditions.

59. What is a relation between people skilled in dialogue and the shared pool of meaning?

They do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool.

18. Ch 4 #4: When a conversation turns from routine to crucial, what reactions do you typically notice in yourself?

Reactions include feeling anxious and going quiet.

88. How do the authors suggest that you respect someone you do not respect?

Respect their basic humanity and look for ways we are similar.

24. Ch 5 #3: What do Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect have to do with safety?

They establish and maintain safety.

100. What do the best at dialogue do when they feel strong emotions?

They influence (and often change) their emotions by "thinking them out." As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.

83. How do those skilled in dialogue avoid continuation of silence and violence games?

They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in.

40. Ch 8 #1: When others start to attack us verbally, what part of their Path to Action do they typically share?

They tend to share their nasty stories and ugly feelings.

56. When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional (i.e., crucial) conversations, how do skilled people get beyond the Fools Choice?

Skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

61. What is the first principle of dialogue?

Start with Heart, that is, your own heart.

29. Ch 6 #2: What role do stories play in the creation of our feelings and actions?

Stories create feelings in response to observed actions. Stories add feelings and meaning to the action observed.

38. Ch 7 #2d: In order to make it safe for others to hear our views, how should we share our story?

Talk tentatively without being either too hard or too soft.

20. Ch 4 #6: What is your own style under stress? Does it vary at work and at home?

Under stress -> silence or avoidance is used at home and at work.

55. Fools Choice

The belief that, in the situation of a crucial conversation, we only have the following choice: - speak up and create an enemy or - suffer in silence

37. Ch 7 #2c: In order to make it safe for others to hear our views, why share our story at all?

The facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. If you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications.

5. Ch 1&2 #5a: What is dialogue?

The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

57. dialogue or dialog

The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

49. What do the authors believe is the root cause of many - if not most - human problems?

The root cause of human problems lies in how people behave when others disagree with them about high-stakes, emotional issues.

48. Ch 10-11 #3: How can you use the "Coaching for Crucial Conversations" table to help you prepare to hold a specific crucial conversation?

The table can help turn ideas into action. You can use it to coach yourself or others. It can help you identify the precise place you are getting stuck and the specific skill that can help you get unstuck.

17. Ch 4 #3: How can you tell when a conversation turns from routine to crucial?

There may be physical signals (stomach tightening?), emotional signs (scared, hurt, or angry) or behavioral cues (pointing their finger, raising voice, or becoming quiet).

10. Ch 3 #3: Why is it important to stay focused on what we want?

There will be physiological changes that will influence you to shift your motives to fight, win, or flight.

30. Ch 6 #3: What are Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories?

They are inaccurate stories that do not move us in healthy directions. They justify our current behavior, make us feel good about ourselves, and call for no need to change.

25. Ch 5 #4: What role does an apology play in restoring safety?

When appropriate, an apology shows respect and can help increase Mutual Respect and move the conditions toward safety.

19. Ch 4 #5: Why should you be watching for safety?

When conditions are safe, people are more likely to freely share information and to be open to receiving information. Freely sharing and openness to receiving information help to expand the pool of meaning.

90. When might an apology be an appropriate way to return safety to a conversation?

When you've made a mistake that has hurt others.

72. Can you be honest and respectful simultaneously?

Yes, if the conditions are safe.

97. Who creates your emotions?

You create your emotions. You make yourself mad, scared, annoyed, or insulted.

79. Controlling, as a common form of verbal violence:

consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It's done through either forcing your views on others, or dominating the conversation.

75. Masking, as a common form of silence:

consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions through sarcasm, sugar coating, and couching (lying in ambush).

78. What are the three most common forms of verbal violence?

controlling, labeling, and attacking

73. When conditions are not verbally safe, what emotion is recommended to replace feeling angry or frightened?

curiosity

62. What are some forms of communication that we have probably grown up with, and that we resort to when conversations become crucial?

debate, silent treatment, or manipulation

71. What emotion is thought to motivate both fight and flight?

fear

81. Attacking, as a common form of verbal violence:

having moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

80. Labeling, as a common form of verbal violence:

involves putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

76. Avoiding, as a common form of silence:

involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.

74. What are three common forms of silence?

masking, avoiding, and withdrawing

77. Withdrawing, as a common form of silence:

means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.

86. Mutual Purpose

means that others perceive that you're working toward a common outcome or goal; the first condition of safety and the entry condition for dialogue

58. personal pool of meaning

our own unique opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand