FINAL RELATIONAL COMM
Compromising
A direct and moderately cooperative conflict style that involves searching for a far, intermediate position that satisfies some of both partner's needs.
Gunnysacking
Occurs when people store up old grievances and then dump them on their partner during a conflict.
Type of Deception: Evaluation
negative judgments of worth, value, or quality o "This relationship is a waste of my time"
Concealments
omitting information one knows is important or relevant to a given context • Omission • Ex.) Not telling your boyfriend about your one-night-stand
Chilling Effect
An effect that occur when people avoid voicing their opinions and complaints because they feel powerless or fear that their partner will act aggressively towards them.
Type of Deception: Directive
directions/commands that go against someone's desires or imply negative thoughts or feelings o "Don't call me anymore"
Type of Deception: Informative Statement
disclosure of unwanted information o "I only dated you because I was on the rebound"
Understatements
downplaying aspects of the truth • Minimization • Ex.) Telling your boyfriend you met up with your ex, but not the details
Unilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave your Partner: Relational Ruses
unethical or manipulative strategies • Study: manipulation attempts o Leaking impending breakup to a friend o Asking 3rd party to announce breakup o Pretending to be interested in someone else o Asking friends to persuade partner to end relationship first • Less likely to be used as disengagement strategy in close relationships • Unlikely to evolve into friendships after the split
Devaluation
when a partner's words or actions communicate that you are unappreciated and unimportant Ex.) "I don't love you anymore"
Relational Dissolution: 2. Dyadic
when dissatisfied partners communicate negative thoughts and feelings o Attempt to negotiate and reconcile differences to avoid a breakup o Fights, arguments, long discussions o On-n-off relationships: transitions are initiated and facilitated by the state of the relationship talk o Individuals weigh the costs and rewards associated w/ being in the relationship
Type of Deception: Joke
a witticism or prank that insults the partner o "I guess your wife wears the pants in the family and you wear the skirt"
Argumentativeness
A style that focuses on logical argument and reasoning; people with argumentative styles confront conflict directly by recognizing issues of disagreement, taking positions on controversial issues, backing up claims with evidence and reasoning, and refuting views contrary to their own.
Spillover Effect
This effect suggests that children who have parents who frequently engage in aggressive conflict do worse in school and have trouble interacting with their peers in part because parent show engage in dysfunctional conflict are also likely to have dysfunctional parenting style.
Bilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave Your Partner: Fading Away
both people in the relationship recognize that the relationship is at a standstill and they gradually drift apart and lose contact • Ex.) Friends who lose touch over years; LDRs • Slow and gradual
Type of Deception: Accustion
charges about a person's faults or actions o "You are a selfish and rude person"
Responses to Hurtful Messages: Acquiescent Responses
giving in and acknowledging the partner's ability to inflict hurt o When people are deeply hurt by something a close relational partner said o Quickest way for people to stop emotional pain o Ex.) "I'm sorry I make you feel that way." "Fine, I won't see him anymore."
Advantages of Relational Closeness: Behavioral Familiarity
having knowledge of the partner's typical communication style
Relational Dissolution: 1. Intraphysic
reflecting on negative aspects of relationship and comparing these flaws w/ costs of leaving the relationship o Preparing to talk to partner about problems o People sometimes realize their problems aren't as bad as they thought o Ruminating about relationship problems often make them worse rather than better o Thinking about breakup leads to breakup o Dissatisfied partners face a dilemma of whether to discuss such feelings and thoughts with their relational partner or to withdraw o Breakup is not inevitable—the partner seeks to resolve problems and maintain the relationship
Five Types of Complaints
(1) Behavioral - focuses on the behavior rather than the person, (2) Personal characteristics - involves attacking someone's character or personality, (3) Performance - complaining about how something was done, (4) Personal appearance - involves complaining about how someone looks, (5) Metacomplaints - involves complaining about how someone is complaining.
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
A conflict pattern that includes the following four behaviors - (1) complaints/criticisms, (2) contempt/disgust, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.
Collaborating
A cooperative and direct style of conflict that involves considering each other's goals and opinions to facilitate effective problem solving.
Conflict
A disagreement between two interdependent people who perceive that they have incompatible goals.
Common Couple Violence
A form of negative reciprocity that occurs when conflict spins out of control and partners resort to using violence as a way to vent their emotions and try to control the conflict.
Yielding
A indirect and cooperative conflict style that involves letting go of one's own goal and desires in consideration of the partner (or letting the partner have his/her way).
Avoiding
A indirect and cooperative conflict style that is neutral in terms of how cooperative it is; this style involves strategies such as refraining from arguing and refusing to confront their partners in any meaningful way.
Indirect Fighting
A indirect and uncooperative strategy that involves suing passive aggressive behaviors such as ignoring the partner, holding a grudge, giving dirty looks, and using a whiny voice.
Positive Reciprocity
A pattern where both partners eventually engage in cooperative strategies.
Principle of Negative Reciprocity
A pattern whereby aggression begets more aggression, with hostile behaviors tend to be likely to be reciprocated during conflict.
Attribution
A perceptual process of assigning reasons or causes to another's behavior.
Verbal Aggressiveness
A style that focuses on attacking the other person's elf-concept, often with the intention of hurting the other person; verbally aggressive people engage in such tactics as teasing, threatening, and criticizing the partner's character or appearance.
Accommodation Principle
Accommodation occurs when people are able to overcome the initial tendency to retaliate in response to negative behavior and instead engage in cooperative communication to maintain their relationship.
Attribution Hypothesis
According to this hypothesis, people in happy relationships tend to make relationship-enhancing attributions; whereas people in unhappy relationships tend to make distress-maintaining attributions.
Competitive Fighting
An uncooperative and direct style of conflict that involves trying to control the interaction to get one's way, often through aggressive strategies.
Isolated Common Couple Violence
Common couple violence that is a rare or single incident, which partners realizing that it is inappropriate and vowing not to do again (this is more common that repatriated common couple violence).
Repeated Common Couple Violence
Common couple violence that occurs once every two months or so n a relationships when conflicts get especially heated.
Negative Outcomes of Breaking Up: Effects on Children
Cyclical effect Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce = children of divorced parents are about 1-2x more likely to get divorced that children of non-divorced couples 1) Negative marital attitudes 2) Dysfunctional parental conflict 3) Lack of communication skills Feeling "caught" between parents beads to anxiety and depression
Type of Deception: Deception
Deception is intentionally managing verbal or nonverbal messages so that a receiver will believe or understand something in a way that the sender knows is false. (a statement that is untrue or distorts the truth) o "Trust me, I didn't do it" when the other partner knows this is false
Process Model of Relational Dissolution
Duck viewed relational dissolution as a set of distinct but connected phases. This model focuses on the communication processes occurring during relationship breakups. Couples can go through several of these processes without breaking up. Many couples recognize and resolve relational problems during the intrapsychic and dyadic processes that help them reevaluate their relationships.
Why relationships end: Loss of Love
Loss of love is related to relationship disillusionment = when a person's positive illusions about their partner and relationships fade
Relationship-Enhancing Attributions
Negative behavior is attributed to causes that are external, unstable, and specific.
Distress-Maintaining Attributions
Negative behavior is attributed to causes that are internal, stable, and global.
Demand-Withdrawal Interaction Pattern
Occurs when one person wants to engage in conflict or makes demands on their partner and the other wants to avoid it. The person in the demanding position tends to be dissatisfied with something; the person in the withdrawing position tends to be happy with the status quo.
Mind Reading
Occurs when people assume (often mistakenly) that they know their partner's feelings, motives, and behaviors.
Emotional Flooding
Occurs when people become surprised, overwhelmed, and disorganized by their partner's expressions of negative emotion.
Kitchen Sinking
People re-hash their old arguments when they get into a new argument so that there are too many issues to deal with at once.
Communication Skill Deficits (As Related to Conflict)
People who lack communication skills may be more likely to resort to violence as a way to try and win an argument or control a person.
Button Pushing
Purposely saying or doing something you know will be especially hurtful to your partner.
Empty Threats
Suggesting you will do something (like break up with your partner) that you do not really intend to do.
Socialization Effect
This effect suggest that children who have parents who frequently engage in aggressive conflict do worse in school and have trouble interacting with their peers in part because children adopt conflict styles similar to their parents' conflict styles.
Punctuation
What partners see as causing conflict; couple have punctuation problems when they each believe that they other is to blame.
Stonewalling
Withdraw from the interaction, often because interaction seems futile.
Unilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave your Partner: Pseudo De-escalation
a deceptive, unethical behavior that shows little regard for one's partner False declaration to the other party that the relationship would profit from some distance o Masquerades as de-escalation, but is usually a disguised relational breakup o Can result in "break" rather than "breakup" • Saying "let's just be friends for a while" = "this relationship is over" • Intent: to let the other party down easily
Type of Deception: Threat
a declaration of intent to inflict punishment under certain conditions o "If you see him again, I'll break up with you
Unilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave your Partner: Cost Escalation
an attempt to make the relationship unattractive to one's partner o Behaviors of disengagers: smoke, drink, argue, be demeaning, disloyal o So that partner comes to dislike them and becomes more likely to break up • Can be beneficial in some breakups, especially if the "dumpee" is happy to break off the relationship after the costs have been escalated
Responses to Hurtful Messages: Invulnerable Responses
avoid talking about hurtful message and acting unaffected by the hurtful remark o When people become flooded w/ emotion and have difficulty talking about their feelings
Responses to Hurtful Messages: Active Verbal Responses
confront partner about hurtful remarks o Most frequently used (in parent-child relationships and love relationships) o People are likely to use this response when they are in satisfying relationships o Could help repair psychological damage caused by hurtful messages by talking to each other o Happy couples may be better able to withstand the use of more negative active verbal responses than couples in unhappy relationships
Relational Dissolution: 4. Grave-Dressing
coping w/ a breakup in a socially acceptable manner o Initiator: emphasize that you handled the breakup in a sensitive and caring manner o Dumped: assure people that you are strong and will be okay o **People tell and create plausible stories about the breakup to let other people know that they are still desirable partners o People alter their stories based on audience
Relational Dissolution: 3. Social
going public about the distress and problems within one's relationship o Couples talk to 3rd parties (friends) to figure out alternatives to their current relationship o Social network is needed to seek clarity through the use of a label • Partners attempt to save face and receive support by telling their side of the story to friends and family o Convince friends and family and themselves that they are doing the right thing o Friends and family may try to prevent a breakup, but when it becomes inevitable, they help facilitate the breakup by providing interpersonal and emotional support and taking the initiating partner's side in any disputes o Support helps the individual go through with their decision o If individuals complain about their partner to their friends, their friends will have a hard time accepting their partner o It's difficult to backtrack and repair the relationship once people have engaged in these types of social processes
Type of Deception: Question
inquiry or interrogation that implies a negative judgment o "Aren't you finished with school yet?"
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: Positive Tone
lessening the "dumped" person's hurt feelings and making him or her feel better about the breakup • Fatalism: "It's nobody's fault, it just wasn't meant to be" • Fairness approach is adopted: "If I stayed in this relationship, it wouldn't be fair to you" • Apologies & compliments: "I'm sorry, I just don't want to hurt you" • Dangerous because the person being dumped might have hope that the relationship will survive • Important to emphasize breakup is impending for this strategy to be effective and sensitive
Equivocations
making an indirect, ambiguous, or contradictory statement • Evasion • Ex.) Commenting that your friend's new hairstyle is the "latest fashion" but you hate it
Lies
making up information or giving information that is the opposite or very different from the truth • Falsifications or fabrications • Ex.) Telling a random stranger that you have a boyfriend when you are single
DA's of Relational Closeness: Truth Bias
people expect others to be honest, so they enter conversations w/o suspicion and do not look for deceptive behavior o Strong within close relationships and with people we like o People who are socially attractive are seen as less deceptive • When they are caught deceiving, they attribute their motives for deception to more compassionate causes o Makes partners overly confident in the truthfulness of each other's statements, causing them to miss much of the deception that occurs o Research: relationship interdependence was associated w/ a stronger truth bias and lower accuracy in detecting deception o You want to believe your partner even though they may be lying
Type of Deception: Expressions of Desire
statements about one's preferences or desires o "I wish you were more like your sister"
Exaggerations
stretching the truth a little, often to make oneself look better or to spice up a story • Overstatement • Ex.) Job interview; people make their skills and experiences sound better than they really do
Relational Dissolution: 5. Resurrection
the end of a relationship often marks the beginning of something new o After a breakup, people often visualize what their future will look like w/o their old relationship o To prepare for the future, they construct and communicate a new image of themselves as wiser as a result of their experiences o Emerge w/ a sense that you are better equipped to find a compatible partner and to communicate their needs more clearly o Revising stories about former relationship and breakup o **Right after breakup there are usually bitter feelings—but as time passes, people reframe their partner and the relationship in more positive terms
Superwoman Syndrome
working women that are under considerable stress, especially if they have children and are trying to run a household o Women do about 70% of household chores o Major source of tension in relationship o Women's perception of inequality and a sense of being underbenefited increases the risk of divorce
Advantages of Relational Closeness: Informational Familiarity
you know certain information about your partner, so your partner cannot lie to you about that information • Ex.) You can tell a stranger you have 3 kids, but you cannot tell that lie to friends and family
Why relationships end: Negative Communication
• As dating partners become more loving and committed, conflict increases, presumably because of increased interdependence • **HOW the partners deal w/ conflict is more important than presence or absence of conflict • Conflict increases as dating relationships become more committed and rises even more sharply for partners contemplating a breakup or deciding to terminate their relationship • Some conflict is normal and healthy for relationships; but high levels of conflict may be detrimental, particularly if issues resurface because they were not discussed in a constructive manner • Most detrimental factor in marriages: reciprocity of negative behaviors o Husbands who became defensive, showed contempt, or used stonewalling were more likely to divorce o Wives who criticized, became defensive, and showed contempt were more likely to see their relationships end
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: De-Escalation
• Avoid a complete breakup by scaling back a relationship • Honest attempt to improve relationship by de-escalating it • Usually, de-escalator recommends temporary separation or being "just friends" o Men hate to hear this • Research: a person who has an anxious attachment style is likely to use a strategy that keeps open the option of getting back together • Sometimes people think if they spend time apart, they will appreciate each other more • De-escalation: romantic partners to friends; cohabitating to dating • Usually a giant step along the path of breakup
Positive Outcomes of Breaking Up
• Common for people to feel good after a breakup o Relief from conflict o Personal growth • Personal +'s: increased self confidence, being able to handle life on your own • Relational +'s: learning how to communicate in a relationship, importance of not jumping into a relationship too quickly • Environmental +'s: concentrating more on school/work, relying on friends more • Future +'s: knowing what you want in a partner
Negative Outcomes of Breaking Up: Financial Consequences
• Cost of maintaining dual residences, paying lawyers, selling a home quickly • Single moms and Dead-beat dads • Men who pay alimony and child support often feel financially trapped o Difficult to start a new family with financial burdens from previous relationship • Financial dependency - keep long-term partners in negative and abusive relationships
Bilateral & Indirect Strategies to Leave Your Partner: The Blame Game
• Cycles of negativity: partners become dissatisfied and relationship is charged w/ negative emotion; partners complain and blame each other rather than taking responsibility; when they agree to break up, they argue over the reasons and blame each other for the breakup • Both may claim it's the other partner's fault and both feel justified • Blaming helps both partners save face • Beneficial - provides both partners with a reason to exit • Messy breakups; bitter end
Motives for Deception: Relationship-Focused Motives
• Deceiver wants to limit relational harm by avoiding conflict, relational trauma, or other unpleasant experiences • Key: whether someone is using deception primarily to protect the relationship, rather than only to protect either one-self or the partner
Catastrophe Theory
• Describes and explains breakups by suggesting that relationships do not always de-escalate gradually, but instead experience sudden death • Signs of an impending relational catastrophe exist but people often fail to see them or deny them o Only realize signs once the partner is gone • Critical incidents → breakups o Discover your partner cheated, big fights, physical violence, difference in values o 25% of relationships in Baxter's study broke up because of a critical incident • Disengagements are often nonstrategic turning points in relationships that occurred quickly, more in line w/ a catastrophe model of breakups than a stage model • "Point of no return" = when one/both partners know it's over for sure • Events are discontinuous rather than linear o The relationship can slip off the edge of a trail to lower level
Why relationships end: Equity Issues related to Family OBligations
• Equality issue for women - having a partner who does not meet family obligations is a valid reason for divorce • Equity is also important in relationships • If the man objected to the woman working, or if he was unhappy about her job, the couple is likely to terminate the relationship • Research: employment makes women more independent and increase their likelihood of leaving a troubled marriage
Why relationships end: Lack of Openness and Intimacy
• Even though couples need autonomy and privacy, open disclosure is needed • Partners who stay together report higher levels of self-disclosure early in their relationships vs. couples who break up • Lack of self-disclosure = breakup • Especially important to women's evaluations of their partners • Study: many people remember decreases in verbal and nonverbal intimacy as the starting point for relational decline • Couples at risk of breakup stop expressing intimate feelings and decrease acts of intimacy
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: Justification
• Explanations for why the relationship is ending, why the partner is dissatisfied, or changes that have occurred in the partners or in the relationship • Recognizes need to provide a reason, unlike direct dump • Saves face for both partners • Used in highly intimate and committed relationships where friendship networks overlap • Research: justifications enable the rejected person to accept the relationship's end o But if the justification focuses on the rejected individual's faults, then hurt feelings and lowered self-esteem will follow o When justifications focus on the initiator of the breakup and general relationship issues, more positive outcomes are likely • Common justification: desire for autonomy • Appeals to independence (friendship faults) = people disengaging because they feel too dependent on each other and feel a loss of independence and individuality o Unsure if you're ready to settle down o External factors: school, work o Less threatening because it centers needs of breakup initiator or external events rather than the faults of the person who is being dumped
Why relationships end: Infidelity and Interest in 3rd party
• Extramarital sex is often detrimental to a relationship and may lead to termination AND unhappiness in relationships lead to extramarital sex • Most common in dating relationships • Study: women are more likely to break up with men because of their infidelity o Men see it as a for of self-gratification, whereas women see affairs as a violation of the relationship, a more central reason for a breakup o Men - more difficult to get over sexual infidelity o Women - more difficult to get over emotional infidelity • Even if sexual infidelity has not occurred • Jealousy
Negative Outcomes of Breaking Up: Negative Emotions
• In one-sided breakups, most partners experience negative emotions, regardless of gender • Social support can help with heartbreak • Continued connection and attachment with your ex is associated w/ more distress and less emotional adjustment • Self-blame - highly associated w/ grief, depression and anxiety • Individuals who experienced the greatest self-expansion as a result of their relationship suffered the greatest contraction, loss of possibilities, and reduced self-esteem during breakup • Obsessive pursuit - people who define their self-worth in terms of their relationship • Emotional distress by the initiator should not be underestimated
Why relationships end: Withdrawal
• Lack of intimacy and connection • Lack of listening and low levels of supportiveness → breakup • Stonewalling - when individuals fail to discuss important issues w/ partners o Men use this type more than women • Demand-withdrawal sequence - when one person makes a demand and the partner responds by withdrawing from communication o People in demanding position are dissatisfied and want to change something in their relationship • Behaviors that lead to breakup: avoiding, less time together, making excuses for not going out
Why relationships end: Alcohol & Drugs
• Lead to violence, addiction, problems with the law, the squandering of money, and problems at work • Partners of alcoholics and drug addicts often become codependent, letting their partner's behavior affect their own behavior o Become obsessed with controlling partner's negative behavior with punishment and reinforcing behaviors
Bilateral & Indirect Strategies to Leave Your Partner: The Negotiated Farewell
• Long-term couples • Integrative communication and negotiation • Divide up possessions, negotiate child custody, and financial issues, and determine how they can both live within a joint social network • Both parties are willing to try to be fair to each other during the disengagement process • Goal: leave well rather than on a sour note • Least distressing ways to end relationship
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: The Direct Dump
• Most common • Least compassionate • Open-and-honest approach = people forthrightly communicate their desire to end the relationship • Also called the fait accompli approach - since tactic gives the partner no choice or chance for response • Emphasizes negative consequences of not breaking up, which helps the partner accept the breakup
Unilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave your Partner: Avoidance
• Most common, least direct • Least effective, most protracted, and most distressing way of ending a relationship • Range from complete evasion to decreased contact • Avoidance-based withdrawal • Social media helps with this • Both parties experience a loss of face and it's difficult for former relational partners to experience closure
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: Dating other People
• Negative Identity Management = imposes on one person's solution on the other person at the expense of the recipient's feelings • The dumper at least communicated directly to the partner • Underlying meaning is less clear • Sometimes, dating other people represents a temporary hiatus from an intense, intimate relationship that will rekindle; other times, this is a disengagement message
Negative Outcomes of Breaking Up: Loneliness
• Partners lose the person who they usually would turn to for comfort • Natural for people to feel lonely • Result of a discrepancy between one's actual and desired level of social interaction • Wider gap between how much intimacy someone wants and how much intimacy the person receives when the breakup happens • Less likely to feel lonely if you have support from friends and family • Can be a motivation for breaking off relationships • Reason for divorce: finding a better, happier relationship
Why relationships end: Abusive Communication
• Physical abuse - violent behavior: grabbing, pushing, kicking, biting, slapping, punching • Psychological abuse - hurtful communication: insults, name-calling, personal criticism • Both physical and psychological abuse are important determinants of breakup - esp. if they have children that are being abused by partner • But some STAY because of o Financial dependency o A family history of violence o Psychological factors (low self-esteem or blaming oneself for partner's violence) • Sometimes, people use abuse to try to control their partner and prevent a breakup o Intimate terrorism - intentional use of violence as a means of intimidating and controlling one's partner
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: The Relationship-Talk Trick
• Rarely an honest attempt to discuss problems in relationships • Usually an insincere attempt to discuss problems and solutions in a manner that leads to the conclusion that the problems are unsolvable, which justify a breakup • Breakup initiator intentionally structures the relational talk to show that the partners are better off going their separate ways • Can be hurtful in some instances but beneficial in others
Why relationships end: Growing Apart
• Reduced quality and quantity of communication, distance, reduced efforts to maintain the relationship, or competition from other relationships • Dating relationships - deteriorate and terminate as commitment decreases • In marriages, couples cannot pinpoint when they started growing apart o Distracted from doing other things - working, raising children o Many breakups were characterized by atrophy
Negative Outcomes of Breaking Up: Health Consequences
• Separation and divorce threatens people's health o Divorce: • Heart problems, cancer, liver disease, pneumonia • Psychiatric illness, suicide, interpersonal violence • Breakups were predictive of the onset of a major depressive disorder during adolescence • Chronic depression after breakup
Unilateral + Indirect Strategies to Leave your Partner: Withdrawal of Supportiveness & Affection
• Social Support Withdrawal = disengage is unavailable to discuss problems or provide comfort and compassion • Most common relationship breakup strategy in relationships of less than 2 years • We expect our friends and loved ones to be there when we need them; if they are unavailable or make no effort to help us, they send an indirect but clear message that they do not value the relationship • During relational disengagement, nonverbal communication becomes less warm, involving, and immediate o Lack of these behaviors is an implicit message that psychological distance is widening o Increasingly non-immediate behavior is a sign of relational distress and movement toward breakup
Why relationships end: Incompatibility
• The more 2 people have in common with each other, the more likely they will stay together • Personality similarities lead to longer relationships and fewer breakups • Lack of similarity in attitudes, activities, interests, religious, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds can precipitate relational breakups • Relationships benefit from similar levels of emotional involvement • Sexual incompatibility • Frequency < Compatibility
Unilateral + Direct Strategies to Leave your Partner: Threats & Bullying
• Threatening the partner • Manipulate partner to break up • Sometimes used because partner refuses to break up with them • Very destructive • Can make the "dumped" person feel powerless at a time when the individual's self-esteem is likely to be fragile • No chance to get back together
Why relationships end: Poor Communication
• Too much, too little, low-quality, negative, not mutually constructive
Motives for Deception: Partner-Focused Motives
• Using deception to avoid hurting the partner • Helping partner maintain self esteem • Avoid worrying the partner • Protecting partner's relationship with a third party • Ex.) Telling your friend that her hair looks great but you hate it - partner-focused motive because you don't want to ruin your friendship • Sometimes, deception is seen as socially polite and relationally beneficial • Altruistic - benefit someone else rather than the deceiver • Research: people use more partner-focused lies with close relational partners with high levels of interdependence than with strangers
Motives for Deception: Self-Focused Motives
• Wanting to enhance or protect their self image; wanting to shield themselves from anger, embarrassment, criticism, or other types of harm • A more significant transgression than partner-focused deception - because deceiver is acting for selfish reasons rather than for the good of the partner or relationship • Different cultures: self-motivated deception is more unacceptable than partner-motivated deception • Research: people feel more guilty and shameful when deceiving to benefit themselves rather than their partners
Relational Transgressions
• When people violate implicit or explicit relational rules (faithfulness, loyalty, honesty), they devalue the partner and the relationship • Study: 93% of people who had been betrayed by their partners have said that their relationships had been damaged as a result of the transgression o Permanently damaged • Top relational transgressions identified by college students: 1. Having sex w/ someone else 2. Wanting to or actually dating others 3. Deceiving others about something significant
Hurtful Messages
• Words that elicit psychological pain • Messages are more or less hurtful based on the topic they address and form of communication they take • Study: when hurtful messages are lightened through humor, they are less psychologically painful • Study: messages focused on relationship issues are even more hurtful than those focusing on personality traits