HDE 3: Lecture 18

What is love? Where do we form concepts about love?

- Love is difficult to define because it means different things to different people - special attitude with strong emotion and behavioral components - Concepts about love: *models of relationships we observe *conversations and experiences with others *culture and religion *media

Anxious-ambivalent adults

-(infants having extreme separation anxiety when their mothers left) -Want to be close to others but believe that others may not want to be close to them -Don't trust that partners really love them -May want to merge completely and be engulfed by partner -Relationships characterized by roller-coaster emotional shifts and obsessive sexual attraction and jealousy -Relationship average lifespan of 5 years

Avoidant adults

-(infants wanting close bodily contact but could sense detachment from the mother) -not wanting to be close to others → too uncomfortable -don't believe in love -thinks they will be abandoned eventually -don't want to be dependent or depended on -afraid of intimacy -relationship average lifespan of 6 years

Why is communication important? What is mutual empathy (reading)? What is consent?

-Communication is important because it helps bring partners closer and helps them learn more about the other's needs and desires. -Mutual empathy: Underlying knowledge that each partner in a relationship cares for each other and knows that the care is reciprocated.

Understand consensuality. What specific characteristics of "yes" is truly consensual?

-Consensual sex is sexual activity that both people clearly desire and explicitly agree to. -Consensual sex can occur when one person asks to initiate a certain sexual activity, and the other person(s) responds with a free, knowing, and enthusiastic, "Yes". -Free: without the presence of threat or coercion. Beyond the obvious threats of violence or humiliation, these are also examples of threat and coercion: -"If you don't have sex with me, I'll tell everyone you're a slut." -"I'll break up with you if you don't ___." -"Come on! I really want oral sex, and I know you want it too." -Knowing: aware and understanding of the sexual act. Consumption of alcohol and/or other drugs impairs one's ability to establish consent. If someone is unconscious (e.g., sleeping or passed out), s/he is not aware and cannot give consent. -Enthusiastic: expressing an authentic, active and excited "yes." Silence or passivity does not imply consent. -Consent is an ongoing process throughout sexual interactions. This means that: • Consent must be obtained for each sexual activity. -Consent to one thing does not imply consent to anything else. It does not matter whether someone has consented to any kind of sexual activity in the past. -Consent cannot be inferred from the fact of a prior or current acquaintance or relationship, it can be withdrawn at any time

What are the factors that make effective communication about sex difficult?

-Making sexual requests -Refusing Sexual contact after it has begun -Initiating any level of sexual contact -Saying no to any level of sexual contact -Asking about or sharing sexual history -Asking about or sharing STI status -Stating personal boundaries -Postponing sexual activity -Discussing the use of protection -Discussing sexual orientation

Characteristics of lasting healthy relationships?

-Self-respect and acceptance -acceptance of partner -expect and respect changes in self, mate, and relationship -explore each other's interest and passions -Build a foundation of mutual empathy and respect -establish a good communication -expect conflicts -be willing to compromise -make a commitment -make an effort to "maintain" the relationship -sexual variety

How do you talk about sex or having sexy talk?

-Talking openly and honestly before and throughout all sexual interactions is undeniably important: it's the key to great, mind-blowing sex. -can feel awkward and challenging. Let's take a closer look at why it can be challenging and how to make it easier and sexy. step by step 1.) Think about your desires and boundaries 2.) With an open mind ask he/she is interested in being sexual with you 3.) Watch and listen closely to his or her response 4.) Respond accordingly with respect

How do neurotransmitters (including endorphins) and oxytocin influence falling in love?

-These neurotransmitters (norepinephrine, dopamine, PEA) allow the brain cells to communicate with each other and are chemically similar to amphetamine drugs which give effects such as giddiness, euphoria, and elation. The amphetamine-like high and elevated sexual arousal does not last long because the body develops a tolerance to it. This is why the high levels we feel at the beginning of the relationship eventually diminishes. -The longterm loving relationships have to do with endorphins which are a morphine-like chemical that soothes substances that help produce a sense of euphoria, security, tranquility, and peace. This is why they feel good when they are with a loved partner. -Oxytocin secreted by the hypothalamus during cuddling and physical intimacy aka love hormone: plays an important role in facilitating social attachment and in fostering feelings of being in love.

What are the gender differences in jealousy?

-Women's jealousy tends to focus on her partner's emotional involvement with another person, whereas a man's jealousy tends to focus on his partner's sexual involvement with another person. -Women blame themselves when a conflict over jealousy arises where as men blame their partner or the third party -Women are more inclined than men to provoke jealousy in their partners (women who are insecure feel a low self-worth)

hree components of Sternberg's Triangular Theory and the eight love styles resulting from different combinations of these three components. One has none of these components and is called what?

1.Passion: the motivational component 2.Intimacy: the emotional component 3.Commitment: the thinking component Eight Love styles: -Consummate Love: intimacy + Passion + -Commitment -Romantic Love: intimacy + Passion -Infatuation: Passion alone -Fatuous love: passion + commitment -Empty love: commitment alone -Compassionate Love: intimacy + commitment -Liking: intimacy alone -NONLOVE: absence of all three, casual acquaintances

What are the communication pattern for successful vs unsuccessful relationships?

Gottman's Constructive Communication Tactics 1.Leveling and editing -Leveling: stating our thoughts and feelings clearly, simply, and honestly - preferable using "I" language -When we begin to level with our partners, we might also need to do some editing of what we say -Editing: we do not say things that we know would be hurtful to our partners, and that we limit our comments to information relevant to the issue at hand -Unhelpful to add comments irrelevant to the issues 2.Validating: involves telling our partners that, given to their point of view, we can understand why they think or feel the way they do -Validating a partner's viewpoint doesn't mean that we invalidate our own position regarding the issue at hand, we are simply facilitating constructive dialogue by acknowledging the reasonableness of our partner's concern 3. Volatile dialogue -Some degree of conflict is actually essential to the long-term happiness of a relationship -Couples in the early stages of a relationship who experienced some conflicts/arguments reported less satisfaction than early-stage couples who rarely or never argued but after 3 years, the situation reversed itself and couples we occasionally argued reported significantly more relationship satisfaction than those who avoided argument -Couples we don't argue are more likely ignoring important issues that should be addressed rather than left to fester and erode happiness -Conflict in a relationship fulfills the crucial role of identifying issues that need to be discussed for the relationship to thrive

What are the attitudes about love and sex among homosexuals? Are they different compared to heterosexual attitudes?

It is the same. Lesbians and gay men tend to differ in the degree to which they associate emotional closeness or love with sex, consistent with the overall differences between men and women in their views on sex and love.

What are the different types of love?

Parent for child: among family members -Between friends (philia) -Love between lovers: *Companionate Love - less intense than passionate love - friendly affection and deep attachment - more enduring than passionate love *Passionate Love aka "Romantic" love or infatuation - intense psychological feelings and sexual desire - generalized physiological arousal - short-lived

Power

the ability to enact one's will, or to influence others

Understand nonverbal ways of communicating

facial expressions interpersonal distance touching sounds

Understand the other factors affecting with whom we fall in love

o Evolutionary (sociobiological) factor o How does proximity, similarity, reciprocity and attractiveness contribute? -Proximity: mere exposure effect. -Familiarity breeds predictability, liking or loving which leads to greater comfort. Greater proximity often reflects shared interests -Similarity: Level of physical attractiveness, age, educational status, religion, race, ethnicity. To share similar interest, activities to communicate better. To also support our values and beliefs. -Reciprocity: When someone shows us they like us we tend to like them back. It also increases self esteem and the likelihood of relationship enduring. -Physical Attractiveness: The belief of "what's beautiful is good".

Control

-ability to restrict another's will, or to prevent others from doing what they want. -Positive and harmonious sexual interactions are possible when partners balance their power and control. Some ways to do this include: • Listen actively (check your understanding and ask for clarification). • Speak assertively (not passively or aggressively). • Consider your partner's thoughts & feelings as important as yours. • Participate equally in decision-making processes. • Be mindful of how your privileges (e.g., age, gender, class, race, stature) influence your thoughts and actions and affect your partner. • Openly discuss respect, power and control in your interactions. Sexual interactions can be harmful and destructive when there is an imbalance of power and control between partners. Flagrant or subtle tactics used to control or overpower include, but are not limited to: • Criticizing, insulting, degrading or humiliating • Intimidating or threatening • Minimizing or ignoring your partner's thoughts & feelings • Not being conscious of how your privileges impact your partner • Physical or sexual harassment (e.g., unwanted touching or grabbing) These are also signs of an abusive relationship.

Relationship between love and sex

-generally feelings of being in love with and sexually attracted to another person are frequently intertwined with one another -Love can exist independently without sexual attraction or expression however the ideal intimate relationship is one with feelings of both mutual love and mutual sexual gratification. -Some people have sex without romantic relationship friends with benefits hook-ups

Securely attached adults

-when separated from mothers infants feel safe and moderate distress) -relatively easy to get close to others, comfortable with others being close to them -feels secure in relationships -Comfortable with being dependent and depended on in relationships -reciprocal emotional support -relationship average lifespan of 10 years

What is the percentage of UC Davis students who reported being uncomfortable communicating about sexual situations?

...

Understand saying "No" and mixed messages. What is the three step approach to saying no?

1) Express appreciation for the invitation (Thanks for inviting me) 2) Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion (I would prefer not to go dancing/make love/get involved in a dating relationship) 3) Offer an alternative, if applicable (However, I would like to have lunch sometime)

Lee's Six basic Styles of Loving. Are these relationship styles or individual styles?

1.) Eros (romantic) love of beauty powerful physical pull 2.) Mania (obsessive/possessive) obsessive relationships dependency and jealousy "roller coaster" love 3.) Ludus (game-playing) playful love casual, carefree, often careless "nothing serious" 4.) Agape (altruistic) brotherly love → self-sacrificing love patient, understanding, giving (altruistic), chaste no expectation of reciprocation 5.) Pragma (pragmatic) realistic sensible business like 6.) Storge (companionate) trust and respect peaceful no "fever" or turmoil natural affection

Gottman's Destructive Communication tactics

1.Criticism -Involves expression of contempt and denigration that can harm a relationship -Complaints effectively registered with "I" language focuses on the issue, but criticism involves attacking someone's character with "you" statements 2.Contempt -Similar to criticism, it degrades communication to an even more intense level of negativity by adding insults, sarcasm, and even name-calling to the critical commentary -Can also be expressed nonverbally by sneering, rolling one's eyes, ignoring a person's messages -Causes emotional pain, does nothing to remedy or resolve issues, creates new problems in the form of defensiveness, anger, resentment 3.Defensiveness -Constructing a defense rather than attempting to discuss and resolve an issue -Self-protective responses, such as making excuses, denying responsibility, or replying with a criticism of one's own 4.Stonewalling When a person concludes that any response to a partner's criticism or complaint will not be helpful/productive and therefore decides to not respond at all 5.Belligerence -Entails a purposely provoking style of interaction intended to diminish or challenge a partner's right to influence patterns of interaction in the relationship -A confrontational, "in your face" type of interaction that emerges from prolonged patterns of poor communication

Understand sexual rights and responsibilities.

1.It is your right to choose if and how you express your sexuality. 2.It is your responsibility to respect the rights of others.

What issues were the most / least reported in being difficult to discuss by UC Davis students? Understand the gender differences on this.

© BACKGROUND: Family, friends, culture, faith, religion, and/or previous experiences can all influence your thoughts and feelings about sex and sexual communication o How did you learn about sex? o Do your friends talk about their sexual experiences? If so, how? o What does sex mean to you? o Have you ever been in a sexual situation where you were unsure whether you or your partner were enjoying it? What did you do? © SELF-KNOWLEDGE: Different desires, curiosities, and limits for every person. Also can change over time, even in a single day. Self-exploration is continual process. Consider your feelings about different sexual activities. © EMOTIONS: thought of discussing sexuality and sexual activities with a partner may feel uncomfortable and nervous. o Acknowledge out loud the awkwardness can help o Sharing feelings, fears, and concerns can also create intimacy and make it easier to relax and enjoy yourself © SEXUAL VOCABULARY: great idea to create sexual vocabulary that you're comfortable with o Clinical terms, slang, words of your own creation o Some people find certain words offensive, or unpleasant, or extremely sexy o Discuss with a partner least/most favorite terms; allows for more comfort and explicitness © GENDER ROLES: traditional gender roles vary by culture, some can make it difficult to communicate equally and openly o May dictate that men are entitled to sex and should aggressively initiate it § And women should be passive and pleasing o Although men and women are socialized to communicate in certain ways, everyone can improve their communication skills with practice