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communication

COMMUNICATION The key to developing and maintaining any type of intimate relationship is good communication. Most of the time we don't think about communicating; we simply talk and behave naturally. But when problems arise—when we feel others don't understand us or when someone accuses us of not listening—we become aware of our limitations or, more commonly, what we think are other people's limitations. Miscommunication creates frustration and distances us from our friends and partners. Nonverbal Communication Even when we're silent, we're communicating. We send messages when we look at someone or look away, lean forward or sit back, smile or frown. Especially important forms of nonverbal communication are touch, eye contact, and proximity. If someone we're talking to touches our hand or arm, looks into our eyes, and leans toward us when we talk, we get the message that the person is interested in us and cares about what we're saying. If a person keeps looking around the room while we're Page 96talking or takes a step backward, we get the impression the person is uninterested or wants to end the conversation. The ability to interpret nonverbal messages correctly is important to the success of relationships. It's also important, when sending messages, to make sure our body language agrees with our words. When our verbal and nonverbal messages don't correspond, we send a mixed message. Attunement, or tuning in to each other's tone of voice, is important. More than any other cue, tone of voice conveys most accurately a person's emotional state. Our effectiveness at connecting or reconnecting emotionally with another depends on the accuracy of our attunement. Effective attunement recreates a healthy child-caregiver connection, or it provides a connection that was lacking during childhood. How we feel when communicating with another can give the listener important data about the speaker. If "out of nowhere" we begin to feel sad, anxious, or angry, these may be emotional states the other person is communicating. An example would be feeling sad when communicating with a grieving friend. Digital Communication and Our Social Networks Social media enable us to communicate more rapidly, but some experts question whether this capability is undermining interpersonal relations generally and, specifically, our ability to relate to others in person. Some evidence suggests just the opposite is true: Surveys by the Pew Internet and American Life Project found that technology users had larger and more diverse discussion networks and were just as involved in their communities as people who communicate face-to-face. Many young adults (aged 18-29 years) who were in a serious relationship reported feeling closer to their spouse or partner due to online or text-message conversations. Some said they were able to resolve arguments that they couldn't face-to-face. Social media tools afford wide-ranging types of communication. For example, the brief immediacy of a tweet is very different from an extended conversation over Skype. However, people often overlook these distinctions, and some observers worry about the effect of the technologies because they change the nature of the social environment and the size and makeup of social networks. Facebook, for example, facilitates relationships with people we have shared interests with but may never meet in person. These relationships are achieved, rather than ascribed to us, like the relationships with relatives and neighbors. Some people view these achieved relationships as weaker or less valuable than the ascribed ones, but these relationships do not necessarily take away from stronger ones. The bottom line is that social media can be an advantage or a disadvantage, depending on how one uses them. For instance, social media allow for instant and easy communication with others across the globe. This can offer a tremendous advantage: It permits friends and partners to stay connected over long distances; it allows people to find and reconnect with important people from their pasts; and it allows people to connect with others who share similar (sometimes rare) identities, interests, and experiences. But such ease of communication also makes it easier to communicate impulsively, such as sending drunk or angry texts or messages, "Facebook-stalking" one's ex when feeling lonely, or sending flirtatious messages to someone new despite being in a monogamous relationship. Using social media while avoiding their pitfalls means being mindful of how these technologies can influence communication and relationships. In addition to the capacity for impulsive communication, here are some other problem areas online: Missing nonverbal cues such as body language and tone of voice. A comment or joke intended as playful may instead come off as critical or harsh. Promoting an idealized version of oneself. Since we have control of our online image (to a degree), many of us promote a version that involves only the most flattering photos and happiest moments. Doing so can have a serious downside if the gap between one's "real" and online lives becomes too large, or the pull to maintain this image becomes too consuming, as in the case of the Instagram star Essena O'Neill, who deleted over 2000 Instagram photos, stating that she had become addicted to social media and social approval. Spying. In the past, people who suspected their partners of cheating had to follow them or hire detectives to see what they were doing. These days, it is as easy as checking statuses and messages, which makes it more tempting to invade a partner's privacy when feeling suspicious or insecure. Checking one's phone rather than staying present. How often have you seen a couple out at a nice restaurant, and both of them are checking their phones rather than engaging in conversation? Social media can be a great tool, but only when it doesn't replace experiencing life in the moment. Publicizing more areas of one's life. Messages, photos, and status updates are often accessible to large numbers of people, making it important to think carefully about what information to share on social media. Sometimes people in a relationship differ dramatically in their ideas about what should be public versus private, so this is an important topic for discussion. Communication Skills Three skills essential to good communication in relationships are self-disclosure, listening, and feedback: Self-disclosure involves revealing personal information that we ordinarily wouldn't reveal due to the risk involved. It usually increases feelings of closeness and moves the relationship to a deeper level of intimacy. Friends often disclose the most to each other, sharing feelings, experiences, hopes, and disappointments. Married couples sometimes share less Page 97and may make unwarranted assumptions because they think they already know everything about each other. Listening requires that we spend more time and energy trying to fully understand another person's "story" and less time judging, evaluating, blaming, advising, analyzing, or trying to control. Empathy, warmth, respect, and genuineness are qualities of skillful listeners. Attentive listening encourages friends or partners to share more and, in turn, to be attentive listeners. To connect with other people and develop real emotional intimacy, listening is essential. Feedback, a constructive response to another's self-disclosure, is the third key to good communication. Giving positive feedback means acknowledging that the friend's or partner's feelings are valid—no matter how upsetting or troubling—and offering self-disclosure in response. If, for example, your partner discloses unhappiness about your relationship, it is more constructive to say that you're concerned or saddened by that and want to hear more about it than to get angry, blame, try to inflict pain, or withdraw. Self-disclosure and feedback can open the door to change, whereas other responses block communication and change. (For tips on improving your skills, see the box "Guidelines for Effective Communication.") TAKE CHARGE: Guidelines for Effective Communication Getting Started When you want to have a serious discussion with your partner, choose a private place and a time when you won't be interrupted or rushed. Avoid having important conversations via text or other media. Face your partner and maintain eye contact. Use nonverbal feedback to show that you are interested and involved. Being an Effective Speaker State your concern or issue as clearly as you can. Use "I" statements rather than statements beginning with "you." When you use "I" statements, you take responsibility for your feelings. "You" statements are often blaming or accusatory and will probably get a defensive or resentful response. The statement "I feel unloved," for example, sends a clearer, less blaming message than the statement "You don't love me." Focus on a behavior, not the whole person. Be specific about the behavior you like or don't like. Avoid generalizations beginning with "you always" or "you never." Such statements make people feel defensive. Make constructive requests. Opening your request with "I would like" keeps the focus on your needs rather than your partner's supposed deficiencies. Avoid blaming, accusing, and belittling. Even if you are right, you have little to gain by putting your partner down. When people feel criticized or attacked, they are less able to think rationally or solve problems constructively. Set up your partner for success. Tell your partner what you would like to have happen in the future; don't wait for him or her to blow it and then express anger or disappointment. Being an Effective Listener Provide appropriate nonverbal feedback (nodding, smiling, making eye contact, and so on). Don't interrupt. Listen reflectively. Don't judge, evaluate, analyze, or offer solutions (unless asked to do so). Your partner may just need to sort out his or her feelings. By jumping in to "fix" the problem, you may cut off communication. Don't offer unsolicited advice. Giving advice implies that you know more about what a person needs to do than she or he does; therefore, it often evokes anger or resentment. Clarify your understanding of what your partner is saying by restating it in your own words and asking if your understanding is correct. "I think you're saying that you would feel uncomfortable having dinner with my parents and that you'd prefer to meet them in a more casual setting. Is that right?" This type of specific feedback prevents misunderstandings and helps validate the speaker's feelings and message. Be sure you are really listening, not off somewhere in your mind rehearsing your reply. Try to tune in to your partner's feelings and needs as well as the words. Accurately reflecting the other person's feelings and needs is often a more powerful way of connecting than just reframing his or her thoughts. Let your partner know that you value what he or she is saying and want to understand. Respect for the other person is the cornerstone of effective communication. QUICK STATS 30.9% of college students say their intimate relationships have been traumatic or hard to handle at least once in the past year. —American College Health Association, 2015 Conflict and Conflict Resolution Conflict is natural in intimate relationships. No matter how close two people become, they still remain separate individuals with their own needs, desires, past experiences, Page 98and ways of seeing the world. In fact, the closer the relationship, the more differences and the more opportunities for conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of any intimate relationship. How can we resolve our conflicts in constructive ways? © Photodisc/Getty Images RF Conflict itself isn't dangerous to a relationship. In fact, it may indicate that the relationship is growing. But if it isn't handled constructively, conflict can damage—and ultimately destroy—the relationship. Consider the guidelines discussed here, but remember that different couples communicate in different ways around conflict. Conflict is often accompanied by anger—a natural emotion—but one that can be difficult to handle. If we express anger aggressively, we risk creating distrust, fear, and distance. If we act out our anger without thinking things through, we can cause the conflict to escalate. If we suppress anger, it turns into resentment and hostility. The best way to handle anger in a relationship is to recognize it as a symptom of something that requires attention and needs to be addressed. When angry, partners should exercise restraint so as not to become abusive. It is important to express anger skillfully and not in a way that is out of proportion to the issue at hand. The best time to express yourself is almost certainly when you are not boiling over with strong emotions. The sources of conflict for couples change over time but revolve primarily around these issues: finances, sex, children, in-laws, and housework. Although there are numerous theories on and approaches to conflict resolution, the following strategies can be helpful: Clarify the issue. Take responsibility for thinking through your feelings and discovering what's really bothering you. Agree that one partner will speak first and have the chance to speak fully while the other listens. Then reverse the roles. Try to understand your partner's position fully by repeating what you've heard and asking questions to clarify or elicit more information. Agree to talk only about the topic at hand and not get distracted by other issues. Sum up what your partner has said. Find out what each person wants. Ask your partner to express his or her desires. Don't assume you know what your partner wants, and don't speak for him or her. Determine how you both can get what you want. Brainstorm to come up with a variety of options. Decide how to negotiate. Work out a plan for change. For example, one partner will do one task and the other will do another task. Be willing to compromise, and avoid trying to "win." Solidify the agreements. If necessary, go over the plan and write it down, to ensure that you both understand and agree to it. Review and renegotiate. Decide on a time frame for trying out your plan, and set a time to discuss how it's working. Make adjustments as needed. To resolve conflicts, partners have to feel safe in voicing disagreements. They have to trust that the discussion won't get out of control, that they won't be abandoned, and that the partner won't take advantage of their vulnerability. Partners should follow some basic ground rules when they argue, such as avoiding ultimatums, resisting the urge to give the silent treatment, refusing to "hit below the belt," and not using sex to smooth over disagreements. When you argue, maintain a spirit of goodwill and avoid being harshly critical or contemptuous. Remember—you care about your partner and want things to work out. See the disagreement as a difficulty that the two of you have together rather than as something your partner does to you. Finish serious discussions on a positive note by expressing your respect and affection for your partner and your appreciation for having been listened to. If you and your partner find that you argue again and again over the same issue, it may be better to stop trying to resolve that problem and instead come to accept the differences between you. Ask Yourself QUESTIONS FOR CRITICAL THINKING AND REFLECTION Have you ever ended an intimate relationship? If so, how did you handle it? How did you feel after the breakup? How do you think the breakup affected your former partner? Did the experience help you in other relationships?

developing intimate relationships

DEVELOPING INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS Successful intimate relationships depend on a belief in ourselves and the people around us. We must be willing to share our ideas, feelings, time, and needs and to accept what others want to give us in return. Just as important is the relationship we develop with ourselves—that is, how we generally feel about ourselves, which is the principal element that we bring to all our relationships. What does it mean to have a healthy relationship with oneself? Self-Concept, Self-Esteem, and Self-Acceptance To have successful relationships, we must first accept and feel good about ourselves. Having a healthy relationship with yourself means being able to self-soothe, regulate your emotions, and feel comfortable with your own company. The factors that contribute to a healthy sense of self include a positive self-concept (how you perceive your self), a healthy level of self-esteem (how you feel about your self), and an affirmative self-acceptance (how you value your self). Each of these factors allows us to love and respect others. As discussed in Chapter 3, the roots of our identity and sense of self can be found in childhood, in the relationships Page 89we had with our caregivers. As adults, we are more likely to have a sense that we are basically lovable, and to view ourselves as worthwhile people who can trust others, if we had the following experiences as babies and children: We felt loved, valued, accepted, and respected. Adults responded to our needs in appropriate ways. Adults gave us the freedom to play, explore, and develop a sense of being separate individuals. These conditions not only encourage us to develop a positive self-concept and healthy self-acceptance, but they also contribute to a basic self-confidence that helps us navigate life's inevitable challenges. Gender Role and Communication We also learn in early childhood how to take on a gender role—the activities, abilities, and characteristics deemed culturally appropriate for us based on our sex. From almost day one of our lives, we receive messages about how a boy versus a girl, or a man versus a woman, should act. As will be discussed in detail in Chapter 5, sex and gender are not the same thing, and the gender and gender role assigned by one's culture may not match one's own internal sense of being male or female—that is, one's gender identity. Cultural expectations associated with traditional gender roles for men prescribed that they provide for their families; assume aggressive, competitive, and power-oriented behaviors; and solve problems logically. Women were expected to take care of home and children; be cooperative, supportive, and nurturing; and approach life emotionally and intuitively. As transgender and feminist movements have progressed, and women have entered more positions of power, expectations have also changed. It is now common for women to work outside the home and for men to participate more actively in parenting. Studies have shown that girls do not necessarily play cooperatively, and that gender behaviors that previously seemed so ingrained can be changed depending on the messages children receive from caregivers, mass media, and other institutions. You may have heard that men and women speak different languages, and that this difference lies behind many conflicts. But do men speak in a more logical way and women in a more emotional way? Although we can find differing patterns in the language of some men and some women, this observation does not fit the data of many studies on gendered communication. There is no gene for gendered language. We learn how to speak just as we learn how to become men and women, and we can decide how we want to communicate based on any particular situation. Still, don't we observe differences in the way men and women communicate? Yes, there are some patterns among certain groups of women, men, girls, and boys, and not because of hardwiring but because we (sometimes unconsciously) follow cultural norms. For example, sociolinguist Penny Eckert finds that in early adolescence, girls start using their voices so that in one moment they speak in a very low pitch and in the next a very high one. Boys, by contrast, decrease their range in pitch, sounding relatively monotone. These changes represent ways that girls and boys differentiate themselves, preparing to participate in what Eckert calls a heterosexual market. They speak differently so as to fit in socially and to anticipate finding a mate. Attachment Another thing we learn in childhood is how to relate to others. Psychologists have suggested that our adult styles of loving may be based on the type of attachment we established in infancy with our mother, father, siblings, or other primary caregivers. According to this view, people who are secure in their intimate relationships as adults probably had a secure, trusting, mutually satisfying attachment to their mother, father, or other parenting figure. Securely attached people find it relatively easy to get close to others, and don't worry excessively about being abandoned or having someone get too close to them. They feel that other people accept them and are generally well intentioned. People who run from relationships may have experienced an "anxious/avoidant" attachment as children. In this type of attachment, a parent's responses were either engulfing or abandoning. Anxious/avoidant adults feel uncomfortable being close to others and seek escape from another's control. They're distrustful and fearful of becoming dependent on and intimate with their partners. Individuals who endured distant and aloof attachments as children can still establish satisfying relationships later in life. In fact, relationships established during adolescence and adulthood give us the opportunity to work through unresolved issues and conflicts. Human beings can be resilient and flexible. We have the capacity to change our ideas, beliefs, and behaviors. We can learn ways to raise our self-esteem and become more trusting, accepting, and appreciative of others and ourselves. We can acquire the communication and conflict resolution skills needed to maintain successful relationships. Although it helps to have a good start in life, it may be even more important to begin again, right from where you are. Friendship Friendships are the first relationships we form outside the family. The friendships we form in childhood are an important part of our growth. Through them, we learn about Page 90tolerance, sharing, and trust. Friendships usually include the following characteristics: Companionship is the good feeling you have when you're with someone else. Friends are usually relaxed and happy when they're together. They typically share common values and interests and plan to spend time together. Real friends can also be tense and unhappy with each other. Even on bad days, we support our friends as we would want them to support us. Respect. Friends have a basic respect for each other's individuality. Good friends respect each other's feelings and opinions and work to resolve their differences without demeaning or insulting each other. They also show their respect by expressing honest feelings. Acceptance. Friends accept each other "warts and all." They feel free to be themselves and express their feelings without fear of ridicule or criticism. Help. Friends know they can rely on each other in times of need. Help may include sharing time, energy, and even material goods. Trust. Friends are secure in the knowledge that they will not intentionally hurt each other. They feel safe confiding in one another. Loyalty. Friends can count on one another. In moments of challenge, a friend will stand up for his or her partner rather than join the opposition. Mutuality. Friends retain their individual identities, but close friendships are characterized by a sense of mutuality—"what affects you affects me." Friends share the ups and downs in each other's lives. Reciprocity. Friendships are reciprocal. There is give-and-take between friends and the feeling that both share joys and burdens more or less equally. The type and strength of our attachment to our caregivers can affect other relationships throughout our lives. © Ariel Skelley/Blend Images LLC RF Intimate partnerships are like friendships in many ways, but they have additional characteristics. These relationships usually include sexual desire and expression, a greater demand for exclusiveness, and deeper levels of caring. Friendships may be more stable and longer lasting than intimate partnerships. Friends are often more accepting and less critical than lovers, perhaps because their expectations differ. Like love relationships, friendships bind society together, providing people with emotional support and buffering them from stress. Love, Sex, and Intimacy Love is one of the most basic and profound human emotions. It is a powerful force in all our intimate relationships. Love encompasses opposites: affection and anger, excitement and boredom, stability and change, bonds and freedom. Love does not give us perfect happiness, but it can give us more meaning in our lives. In many kinds of adult relationships, love is closely affected by sexuality. In the past, marriage was considered the only acceptable context for sexual activities, but for many people today, sex is legitimized by love. According to Gallup and other surveys, the proportion of adults who view sex between an unmarried man and woman as morally acceptable increased from 29% in 1972 to 67% in 2016. Many couples, gay and straight, live together in committed relationships, and many Americans now use personal standards rather than social norms to make decisions about sex. Shifts in cultural attitudes related to sex and marriage can happen slowly or quickly. The most rapid recent change, according to Gallup surveys, has been in Americans' attitudes toward same-sex marriage: between 2005 and 2016, acceptance rose from 37% to 61%. Many people, however, worry about this trend and the bypassing of traditional Page 91norms and values. They fear that the prevailing attitude about sexuality has resulted in a greater emphasis on sex over love and a permissiveness that has undermined the commitment needed to make a loving relationship work. For most people, love, sex, and commitment are closely linked. Love reflects the positive factors that draw people together and sustain their relationship. It includes trust, caring, respect, loyalty, interest in the other, and concern for the other's well-being. Sex brings excitement and passion to the relationship. It intensifies the relationship and adds fascination and pleasure. Commitment contributes stability, which helps maintain a relationship. Responsibility, reliability, and faithfulness are characteristics of commitment. Although love, sex, and commitment are related, they are not necessarily connected. One can exist without the others. Despite the various "faces" of love, sex, and commitment, many of us long for a special relationship that contains them all. Other elements can be identified as features of love, such as euphoria, preoccupation with the loved one, idealization or devaluation of the loved one, and so on, but these elements tend to be temporary. These characteristics may include infatuation, which will fade or deepen into something more substantial. As relationships progress, the central aspects of love and commitment take on more importance. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that love has three dimensions: intimacy, passion, and a commitment component (Figure 4.1). Intimacy refers to feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Passion encompasses motivational drives and sexual attraction. Commitment relates to the decision to remain together with the ultimate goal of making long-term plans with that person. The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of each of the three components and on the strengths relative to each other. FIGURE 4.1 The triangular theory of love. Different stages and types of love can be understood as different combinations of the three dimensions. Ultimately a relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than is one based on two or three dimensions. Researchers suggest that gender plays a role in the relationship between love (intimacy) and sex (passion). Although many men report that their most erotic sexual experiences occur in the context of a love relationship, many studies have found that men separate love from sex more easily than women do. Women more often view sex from the point of view of a relationship. Some people believe you can have satisfying sex without love—with friends, acquaintances, or strangers. Although sex with love is an important norm in our culture, the two are often pursued separately in practice. QUICK STATS The number of people aged 18-29 who are single and not living with a partner rose from 52% in 2004 to 64% in 2014. —Gallup surveys, 2015 The Pleasure and Pain of Love The experience of intense love has confused and tormented lovers throughout history. They live in a tumultuous state of excitement, subject to wildly fluctuating feelings of joy and despair. They lose their appetite, can't sleep, and can think of nothing but the loved one. Is this happiness? Misery? Both? The contradictory nature of passionate love can be understood by recognizing that human emotions have two components: physiological arousal and an emotional explanation for the arousal. Love is just one of many emotions accompanied by physiological arousal. Many unpleasant emotions can also generate arousal, such as fear, rejection, and frustration. Although experiences like attraction and sexual desire are pleasant, extreme excitement is physiologically similar to fear and can be unpleasant. For this reason, passionate love may be too intense for some people to enjoy. Over time, the physical intensity and excitement tend to diminish. When this happens, pleasure may actually increase. The Transformation of Love Human relationships change over time, and love relationships are no exception. At first, love is likely to be characterized by high levels of passion and rapidly increasing intimacy. After a while, passion decreases as we become habituated to it and to the person. The diminishing of romance or passionate love can be experienced as a crisis in a relationship. If a more lasting love fails to emerge, the relationship will likely break up. Unlike passion, however, commitment does not necessarily diminish over time. When intensity diminishes, partners often discover a more enduring love. They can now move from absorption in each other to a relationship that includes external goals and projects, friends, and family. In this kind of intimate, more secure love, satisfaction comes not just from the relationship itself but also from achieving other creative goals, such as work or child rearing. The key to successful relationships is in transforming passion into an intimate love based on closeness, caring, and the promise of a shared future.Page 92 Although passion and physical intimacy often decline with time, other aspects of a relationship—such as commitment—tend to grow as the relationship matures. © Lane Oatey/Blue Jean Images/Getty Images Challenges in Relationships Many people believe that love naturally makes an intimate relationship easy to begin and maintain, but in fact obstacles arise and challenges occur. Even in the best of circumstances, a loving relationship will be tested. Partners enter a relationship with diverse needs and desires, some of which emerge only at times of change or stress. Common relationship challenges relate to self-disclosure, commitment, expectations, competitiveness, and jealousy. What Opportunities Do Our Relationships Offer? Obviously we have relationships for fun, companionship, children, and support. But is there more to it? Are we fully conscious of the reasons behind our choices of intimate partners? Do these relationships repeat issues and conflicts from our past—or offer a way to heal and grow beyond these early-life problems? Some experts suggest that, as adults, we unconsciously recreate relationships with others that replay the dramas of childhood. In doing so, we attempt to work through problems from the past. At various points in our lives, we may unconsciously play the part of our younger selves—or the part of another person (such as a parent or a sibling)—with the new emotional figure in our lives. We often play these roles in the hope of getting emotionally what we failed to get as children. But we also have the potential to use the positive models of the past to provide nurturing behaviors in current relationships. Problems in relationships don't always signal incompatibility. Sometimes they may arise from issues that are emotionally difficult because of past hurtful experiences. The good news is that problems in relationships are a potential path to growth, as individuals and as a couple. A man who feels he doesn't receive enough love from his partner (and didn't from his parents) may benefit from cultivating additional platonic relationships rather than hoping for complete satisfaction from one person. A woman who feels the need for more independence in a relationship (which she didn't have growing up) may grow from learning to stay with her discomfort around intimacy and gradually experience closeness without becoming fearful. Ultimately it seems that the healthiest relationships are those that allow us to feel secure even when we are apart. Developmental psychologists suggest that the healthiest infants can be comforted by their caregivers without feeling overwhelmed and can be apart from their caregivers without feeling abandoned. Knowing when to comfort and when to let go can be a critical part of any relationship. Psychologist Carl Rogers suggests that relationships in which we can be open, nonjudgmental, expressive, and understood offer us the greatest chance to grow, develop our potential, and awaken to as much of life as possible. Perhaps the larger, masked meaning of relationships may need to be clarified to help us cultivate the intimacy or freedom that may have been in short supply while we were growing up. We can help ourselves and others to grow by offering and asking for love and compassion. We can free ourselves from the limits imposed on us from the past by challenging ourselves to see where we are afraid to go in our relationships, and then going there with our partners. Honesty and Openness At the beginning of a relationship most of us prefer to present ourselves in the most favorable light. Although sharing thoughts and feelings can be emotionally risky, honesty is necessary to achieve the freedom for the next step of the relationship. Over time, you and your partner will learn more about each other and feel more comfortable sharing. In fact, intimate familiarity with your partner's life is a key characteristic of successful long-term relationships. Emotional Intelligence In his book Emotional Intelligence—Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Daniel Goleman argues that classical IQ is not destiny and that our traditional view of intelligence is too narrow. He asserts that the traditional view ignores a range of abilities vital to how well we function in life. Goleman illuminates the factors at work when people with high IQs flounder and those with Page 93modest IQs do remarkably well. These factors include self-awareness, self-discipline, and empathy, and they add up to a different way of being intelligent, known as "emotionally intelligent." Psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer define emotional intelligence as "the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions." The key to developing emotional intelligence lies in cultivating the overarching skill of mindfulness—the ability to dispassionately observe thoughts and feelings as they occur (see Chapter 2). When we are able to note and observe emotions without judging them or immediately acting on them, we can make more measured, wise, and skillful responses. These skills can be particularly helpful when we are involved in an argument or a conflict with someone with whom we have a close relationship. Mindfulness can be cultivated by paying more attention to the operation of our minds, slowing down our lives enough to make more detailed observations, and staying in the moment as we go about our day-to-day activities. Although we often have limited control over external events, we have a great deal of ability to discipline, focus, and train our minds. Practicing mindfulness and developing emotional intelligence will improve your sense of self and the quality of your relationships, and may even result in the peace of mind that many people find so elusive. (To rate your current level of emotional intelligence, see the box "Are You Emotionally Intelligent?") ASSESS YOURSELF: Are You Emotionally Intelligent? Below are the behavioral habits of emotional intelligence. As you read these, rate yourself on each habit. Is this a habit you practice Always? Usually? Sometimes? Seldom? Almost Never? 5 points 4 points 3 points 2 points 1 point Behavioral Habit Score 1. I respect other people and their feelings 2. I can easily identify my feelings 3. I take responsibility for own emotions 4. I can maintain control of my emotions 5. I find it easy to validate others' feelings and values 6. I do not rush to judge or label other people and situations 7. I do not try to manipulate, criticize, blame, or overpower others 8. I challenge my habitual responses and am willing to try considered alternatives 9. I live in the present, learn from experiences, and do not carry negative feelings forward Scoring: 40-45 = You have a high level of emotional maturity, awareness, and control. You have a positive and inspiring impact on others. 35-39 = You have a higher than average level of emotional intelligence. Concentrate on self-awareness and control, and developing increased empathy for others. 27-34 = You have a baseline awareness of what emotional intelligence is. Be alert for opportunities to increase levels of self-awareness and empathy toward others, and to refine responses. 9-26 = Now that you're of aware of emotional intelligence, monitor your emotions and their impact on you and others. Notice how your behavior affects others and get feedback on how to modify behavior that provokes a defensive response. source: © Donna Earl, 2003 www.DonnaEarlTraining.com. Donna Earl is a business educator who provides workshops on Emotional Intelligence. Unequal or Premature Commitment When one person in an intimate partnership becomes more serious about the relationship than the other, it can be difficult to maintain it without someone feeling hurt. Sometimes a Page 94couple makes a premature commitment, and then one of the partners has second thoughts and wants to break off the relationship. Eventually both partners recognize that something is wrong, but each is afraid to tell the other. It may be painful but necessary to resolve this conflict by stepping up and saying, "We have a problem. Can we have an honest talk about it?" Such problems usually can be resolved only by honest and sensitive communication. Unrealistic Expectations Each partner brings hopes and expectations to a relationship, some of which may be unrealistic, unfair, and ultimately damaging to the relationship. These include the following: Expecting your partner to change. Your partner may have certain behaviors that you like, and others that annoy you. It's okay to discuss them with your partner, but it's unfair to demand that your partner change to meet all of your expectations. Accept the differences between your ideal and reality. Assuming that your partner has all the same opinions, priorities, interests, and goals as you. Don't assume that you think or feel the same way about everything—or that you must if the relationship is to succeed. Agreement on key issues (such as whether to have children) is important, but differences can enhance a relationship as long as partners understand and respect each other's points of view. Believing that a relationship will fulfill all of your personal, financial, intellectual, and social needs. Expecting a relationship to fulfill all your needs places too much pressure on your partner and on your relationship, and it will inevitably lead to disappointment. For your own well-being, it's important to maintain some degree of autonomy and self-sufficiency. Competitiveness Games and competitive sports add flavor to the bonding process—as long as the focus is on fun. If one partner always feels compelled to compete and win, it can detract from the sense of connectedness, interdependence, equality, and mutuality between partners. The same can be said for a perfectionistic need to be right in every instance—to "win" every argument. If competitiveness is a problem for you, ask yourself if your need to win is more important than your partner's feelings or the future of your relationship. Try noncompetitive activities or an activity where you are a beginner and your partner excels. Accept that your partner's views may be just as valid and important to your partner as your own views are to you. Balancing Time Together and Apart You may enjoy time together with your partner, but you may also want to spend time alone or with other friends. If you or your partner interpret time apart as rejection or lack of commitment, it can damage the relationship. Talk with your partner about what time apart means and share your feelings about what you expect from the relationship in terms of time together. Consider your partner's feelings carefully, and try to reach a compromise that satisfies both of you. Supportiveness is a sign of commitment and compassion and is an important part of any healthy relationship. © Justin Horrocks/Getty Images Differences in expectations about time spent together can mirror differences in ideas about emotional closeness. Any romantic relationship involves giving up some degree of autonomy in order to develop an identity as a couple. But remember that every person is unique and has different needs for distance and closeness in a relationship. Jealousy Jealousy is the angry, painful response to a partner's real, imagined, or possible involvement with a third person. Some people think that the existence of jealousy proves the existence of love, but jealousy is actually a sign of insecurity or possessiveness. In its irrational and extreme forms, jealousy can destroy a relationship by its insistent demands and attempts at control. Jealousy is a factor in precipitating violence in dating relationships among both high school and college students, and abusive spouses often use jealousy to justify their violence. (Problems with control and violence in relationships are discussed in Chapter 21.) People with a healthy level of self-esteem are less likely to feel jealous. When jealousy occurs in a relationship, it's important for the partners to communicate clearly with each other about their feelings. In this sense, jealousy can offer partners the chance to look closely at issues like possessiveness, insecurity, and low self-esteem and thereby strengthen the relationship by working through jealousy. Supportiveness Another key to successful relationships is the ability to ask for and give support. Partners need to know that they can count on each other during difficult times. Unhealthy Relationships Everyone should be able to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy. Relatively extreme examples of unhealthy relationships are those that are physically or emotionally abusive or that involve codependency.Page 95 Even relationships that are not abusive or codependent can still be unhealthy. If your relationship lacks love and respect and places little value on the time you and your partner have spent together, it may be time to get professional help or to end the partnership. Further, if your relationship is characterized by communication styles that include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal—despite real efforts to repair these destructive patterns—the relationship may not be salvageable. Consider these questions: Do you and your partner have more negative than positive experiences and interactions? Are there old hurts that you or your partner cannot forgive? Do you feel disrespected or unloved? Do you find it hard to feel positive feelings of affection for your partner? Does it feel as if your relationship has been a waste of time? Spiritual leaders suggest that relationships are unhealthy when you feel that your sense of spontaneity, your potential for inner growth and joy, and your connection to your spiritual life are deadened. There are negative physical and mental consequences of being in an unhappy relationship. Although breaking up is painful and difficult, it is ultimately better than living in a toxic relationship. Ending a Relationship Even when a couple starts out with the best of intentions, an intimate relationship may not last. Some breakups occur quickly following direct action by one or both partners, but many occur over an extended period as the couple goes through a cycle of separating and reconciling. Ending an intimate relationship is usually difficult and painful. Both partners may feel attacked and abandoned, but feelings of distress are likely to be more acute for the rejected partner. If you are involved in a breakup, the following suggestions may help make the ending easier: Give the relationship a fair chance before breaking up. If it's still not working, you'll know you did everything you could. Be fair and honest. If you're initiating the breakup, don't try to make your partner feel responsible. Be tactful and compassionate. You can leave the relationship without deliberately damaging your partner's self-esteem. Emphasize your mutual incompatibility, and admit your own contributions to the problem. If you are the rejected person, give yourself time to resolve your anger and pain. Mobilize your coping resources, including social support and other stress management techniques. You may go through a process of mourning the relationship, experiencing disbelief, anger, sadness, and finally acceptance. Remember that there are actually many people with whom you can potentially have an intimate relationship. Recognize the value in the experience. You honor the feelings that you shared with your partner by validating the relationship as a worthwhile experience. Ending a close relationship can teach you valuable lessons about your needs, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. Use your insights to increase your chance of success in your next relationship. Use the recovery period following a breakup for self-renewal. Redirect more of your attention to yourself, and reconnect with people and areas of your life that may have been neglected as a result of the relationship. Time will help heal the pain of the loss of the relationship. Finally, be aware of the tendency or impulse to "rebound" quickly into another relationship. Although a new relationship may mute the pain of a breakup, forming a relationship in order to avoid feeling pain is not a good strategy. Too often, rebound relationships fail because they were designed to be "lifeboats" or because one or both of the partners is not truly ready to be close to someone else again.

Family life

FAMILY LIFE American families are very different today than they were even a few decades ago. In 1960, 73% of children under the age of 18 lived with both parents in their first marriage; in 2014, it was 46%. Over the same time period, the proportion of children living with a single parent grew from 9% to 26%. Becoming a Parent Few new parents are prepared for the job of parenting, yet they literally must assume the role overnight. They must quickly learn how to hold and feed a baby, change diapers, and differentiate a cry of hunger from a cry of pain or fear. No wonder the birth of the first child is one of the most stressful transitions for any couple. Even couples with an egalitarian relationship before their first child is born find that their marital roles become more traditional with the arrival of the new baby. In heterosexual couples, the father typically becomes the primary provider and protector, and the mother typically becomes the primary nurturer. Most research indicates that mothers have to make greater changes in their lives than fathers do. Although men today spend more time caring for their infants than ever before, women still take the ultimate responsibility for the baby. Women are usually the ones who make job changes, either quitting work or reducing work hours in order to stay home with the baby for several months or more. Many mothers juggle the multiple roles of mother, homemaker, and employer/employee and feel guilty that they never have enough time to do justice to any of these roles. Not surprisingly, marital satisfaction often declines after the birth of the first child. The wife who has stopped working may feel she is cut off from the world; the wife who is trying to fulfill duties both at home and on the job may feel overburdened and resentful. The husband may have a hard time adjusting to having to share his wife's love and attention with the baby, as well as the stress of trying to provide for a growing family. But marital dissatisfaction after the baby is born is not inevitable. Couples who successfully weather the stresses of a new baby are reported to have these three characteristics in common: They had developed a strong relationship before the baby was born. They had planned to have the child. They communicate well about their feelings and expectations. Page 106 Parenting Parents may wonder about the long-term impact of each decision they make on their child's well-being and personality. According to parenting experts, no one action or decision (within limits) will determine a child's personality or development. Instead the parenting style, or overall approach to parenting, is most important. Parenting styles vary according to the levels of two characteristics of the parents: Demandingness encompasses the use of discipline and supervision, the expectation that children act responsibly and maturely, and the direct reaction to disobedience. Responsiveness refers to a parent's warmth and intent to facilitate independence and self-confidence in a child by being supportive, connected, and understanding of the child's needs. Several parenting styles have been identified. Each style emerges according to the parents' balance of demandingness and responsiveness. Here are some examples: Authoritarian parents are high in demandingness and low in responsiveness. They give orders and expect obedience, giving very little warmth or consideration to their children's special needs. Authoritative parents are high in both demandingness and responsiveness. They set clear boundaries and expectations, but they are also loving, supportive, and attuned to their children's needs. Permissive parents are high in responsiveness and low in demandingness. They do not expect their children to act maturely but instead allow them to follow their own impulses. They are very warm, patient, and accepting, and they are focused on not stifling their child's innate creativity. Uninvolved parents are low in both demandingness and responsiveness. They require little from their children and respond with little attention, frequency, or effort. In extreme cases, this style of parenting might reach the level of child neglect. Children's Temperaments Every child has a tendency toward certain moods and a style of reacting—a temperament—that is apparent from infancy and often lasts into adulthood. Research has identified three basic temperament types. Most children show aspects of different temperaments but tend toward one. Easy children are happy and content, and have regular sleeping and eating habits. They are adaptable and not easily upset. Difficult children are fussy, are fearful in new situations or with strangers, and have irregular sleeping and feeding habits. They are easily upset and often hard to soothe. Slow-to-warm-up children are somewhat fussy and tend to react negatively or fearfully to new people or situations; however, they slowly warm up and adapt positively. Setting clear boundaries, holding children to high expectations, and responding with warmth to children's needs are all positive parenting strategies. © Rosemarie Gearhart/Getty Images Parenting is a skill that often must be learned. Conflicts arise when there is a mismatch in temperaments and styles between parent and child. For example, a parent who expects quick action in response to a command may not be a good match for a child who is naturally slow to respond. Parents should be attuned to their child's distinct style and do their best to support the child. According to psychologists, "optimal attunement" of the parent to the child involves allowing the child to feel close and connected without feeling engulfed or impinged upon, and also allowing for separation and aloneness without the child feeling abandoned or rejected. Attachment parenting advocates believe that if children are consistently held, attended to, and not allowed to be unhappy for any length of time, they will internalize the parents' consistent care and support and grow up to be more independent adults. Parenting and the Family Life Cycle At each stage of the family life cycle, the relationship between parents and children changes. And with those changes come new challenges. The parents' primary responsibility to a baby is to ensure its physical well-being around the clock. As babies grow into toddlers and begin to walk and talk, they begin to be able to take care of some of their own physical needs. For parents, the challenge at this stage is to strike a balance between giving children the freedom to explore and setting limits that will keep the children safe and secure. As children grow toward adolescence, parents need to give them increasing independence and gradually be willing to let them risk success or failure on their own. Marital satisfaction for most couples tends to decline while the children are in school. Reasons include the financial and emotional pressures of a growing family and the increased job and community responsibilities of parents in their thirties, forties, and fifties. Once the last child has left home, marital satisfaction can increase because the parents have more time to focus on each other.Page 107 Single Parents Today the family life cycle for many adults is marriage, parenthood, divorce, single parenthood, remarriage, and potentially widow- or widower-hood. According to Pew Research Institute, about 26% of children today are living with a single parent (Figure 4.4). In some single-parent families, the traditional family life cycle is reversed and the baby comes before the marriage. In these families, the single parent is often (but not always) a teenage mother. Bar graph showing data on family living arrangements in 1960, 1980, and 2014. [D] FIGURE 4.4 Family living arrangements for American families with children under age 18. note: Data regarding cohabitation are not available for 1960 and 1980; in those years, children with cohabiting parents are included in "single parent." For 2014, the total share of children living with two married parents is 62% after rounding. "Married parents" refer to those in a heterosexual marriage only. Figures do not add up to 100% due to rounding. source: Pew Research Center. 2015. Parenting in America: Outlook, Worries, Aspirations Are Strongly Linked to Financial Situation (http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/12/17/parenting-in-america) Even if both parents work after a divorce, their combined incomes must support two households, straining finances. Economic difficulties are the primary problem for single mothers, especially for unmarried mothers who have not finished high school and have difficulty finding work. Divorced mothers usually experience a sharp drop in income the first few years on their own, but if they have job skills or education they usually can eventually support themselves and their children. Other problems for single mothers are the often-conflicting demands of being both father and mother and the difficulty of satisfying their own needs for adult companionship and affection. Financial pressures are also a complaint of single fathers, but due to higher incomes among men, they do not experience them to the extent that single mothers do. Because they are likely to have less practice than mothers in juggling parental and professional roles, they may worry that they do not spend enough time with their children. Research about the effect on children of growing up in a single-parent family is inconclusive. Evidence seems to indicate that these children tend to have less success in school and in their careers than children from two-parent families, but these effects may be associated more strongly with lower educational attainment and fewer financial resources of the single parent than with the absence of the second parent. Two-parent families are not necessarily better if one of the parents spends little time relating to the children or is physically or emotionally abusive. QUICK STATS 5% of American children live in a home where neither parent is present. —Pew Research Center, 2014 Stepfamilies Single parenthood is usually a transitional stage: About three out of four divorced women and about four out of five divorced men will ultimately remarry. Rates are lower for widowed men and women, but overall almost half the marriages in the United States are remarriages for the husband, the wife, or both. If either partner brings children from a previous marriage into the new family unit, a stepfamily (or "blended family") is formed. Stepfamilies are significantly different from primary families and should not be expected to duplicate the emotions and relationships of a primary family. Research has shown that healthy stepfamilies are less cohesive and more adaptable than healthy primary families; they have a greater capacity to allow for individual differences and accept that biologically related family members will have emotionally closer relationships. Stepfamilies gradually gain more of a sense of being a family as they build a history of shared daily experiences and major life events. Successful Families Family life can be extremely challenging. A strong family is not a family without problems; it's a family that copes successfully with stress and crisis (see the box "Strategies of Strong Families"). Successful families are intentionally connected—members share experiences and meanings. TAKE CHARGE: Strategies of Strong Families Life is full of challenges, but strong families work together to meet those challenges. Strong families use the following strategies to deal with life's difficulties: Look for something positive in difficult situations. No matter how difficult, most problems teach us lessons that we can draw on in future situations. Pull together. Think of the problem not as one family member's difficulty but as a challenge for the family as a whole. Gethelp outside the family. Call on extended family members, supportive friends, neighbors, colleagues, church or synagogue members, and community professionals. Listenand empathize. Offer each other nonjudgmental support. Userituals for bonding and healing. A ritual could include a memorial event, a tradition that the family repeats each year on a significant date or for a holiday, or a shared daily meal or time for conversation. Beflexible. Crises often force family members to learn new approaches to life or take on different responsibilities. Each person needs time to heal from challenges at her or his own pace. Give each other space. Respect family members' need for privacy and alone time. Focuson the big picture and set priorities. Getting caught up in details rather than the essentials can make people edgy, even hysterical. Takecare of each other. We often forget that we are biological beings. Like kindergartners, we need a good lunch and time to play. We need to have our hair stroked, a hug, or a nap. Validate each other. Offer appreciation and praise. Createa life full of meaning and purpose. We all face severe crises in life; they're unavoidable. Sometimes it helps to focus on others, to offer service to the community. Giving of ourselves brings richness and dignity to our lives despite the troubles we endure. Activelymeet challenges head-on. Life's disasters do not go away when we look in another direction. Gowith the flow to some degree. Sometimes we are relatively powerless in the face of a crisis. Simply saying to ourselves that things will get better with time can be useful. Beprepared in advance for life's challenges. Healthy family relationships are like an ample bank balance: If our relational accounts are in order, we will be able to weather life's most difficult storms—together. sources: Binghamton University Counseling Center. n.d. Dealing with crisis and trauma events. American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress (http://www.aaets.org/article164.htm); Olson, D. H., and J. DeFrain. 2007. Marriages and Families: Intimacy, Diversity, and Strengths, 6th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill. Copyright © 2007 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Reprinted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. An excellent way to build strong family ties is to develop family rituals and routines—organized, repeated activities that have meaning for family members. Families with regular routines and rituals have healthier children, more satisfyingPage 108 marriages, and stronger family relationships. Some of the most common routines identified in research studies are dinnertime, a regular bedtime, and household chores; common rituals include birthdays, holidays, and weekend activities. Family routines may even serve as protective factors, balancing out potential risk factors associated with single-parent families and families with divorce and remarriage. Incorporating a regular family mealtime into a family's routine allows parents and children to develop closer relationships and leads to better parenting, healthier children, and better school performance. Although you can find tremendous variation among American families, experts have proposed that seven major qualities or themes appear in strong families: Commitment. The family is very important to its members, and members take their responsibilities seriously. Everyone knows they are loved, valued, and special to each other. Appreciation. Family members care about one another and express their appreciation. They don't wait for special occasions to celebrate each other. Communication. Family members spend time listening to one another and enjoying one another's company. They talk through disagreements and attempt to solve problems. Time together. Family members do things together—often simple activities that don't cost money. They put down their devices and their work, and they focus on each other. Spiritual wellness. The family promotes sharing, love, and compassion for other human beings. Stress and crisis management. When faced with illness, death, marital conflict, or other crises, family members pull together, seek help, and use other coping strategies to meet the challenge. Affectionate physical contact. People of all ages need hugs, cuddles, and caresses for their emotional health and to demonstrate caring and love for one another. It may surprise some people that members of strong families are often seen at counseling centers. They know that the smartest thing to do in some situations is to get help.Page 109 Ask Yourself QUESTIONS FOR CRITICAL THINKING AND REFLECTION Do you think of your own family as successful? Why or why not? Either way, what could you do to make your relationships in your family more successful? Are you comfortable talking to your family about these issues?

marriage

MARRIAGE The majority of Americans marry at some time in their lives. Marriage continues to remain popular because it satisfies several basic needs. There are many important social, moral, economic, and political aspects of marriage, all of which have changed over the years. In the past people married mainly for practical reasons, such as raising children or forming an economic unit. Today people marry more for personal, emotional reasons. The Benefits of Marriage The primary functions and benefits of marriage are those of any intimate relationship: affection, personal affirmation, companionship, sexual fulfillment, and emotional growth. Marriage also provides a setting in which to raise children, although an increasing number of couples choose to remain childless, and people can also choose to raise children without being married. Marriage is also important for providing for the future. By committing themselves to the relationship, people hope to establish themselves with lifelong companions as well as some insurance for their later years. Research shows that good marriages have myriad positive effects on individuals' health. Issues and Trends in Marriage Marital roles and responsibilities have undergone profound changes over time. Many couples no longer accept traditional role assumptions, such as that the husband is solely responsible for supporting the family and the wife is solely responsible for domestic work. Many husbands share domestic tasks, and many wives work outside the home. About 60% of married women are in the labor force, including women with babies under one year of age. Although women still take most of the responsibility for home and children even when they work and although men still suffer more job-related stress and health problems than women do, the trend is toward an equalization of responsibilities in the home. Other recent trends include couples choosing not to marry, couples marrying later—after a lengthy cohabitation, and couples marrying without a formal marriage certificate. A second, later-life union (cohabitation or marriage) is also common. A recent study reports that both women and men experienced health benefits from second unions; from first unions, men in particular had reduced emotional distress from getting married without first living together. What about love? Although we might like to believe otherwise, love is not enough to make a successful marriage. Relationship problems can become magnified rather than solved by marriage. The following relationship characteristics appear to be the best predictors of a happy marriage: The partners have realistic expectations about their relationship. Each feels good about the personality of the other. Partners develop friendships with other couples. They communicate well. They have effective ways of resolving conflicts. They agree on religious/ethical values. They have an egalitarian role relationship. They have a good balance of individual versus joint interests and leisure activities. Once married, couples must provide each other with emotional support, negotiate and establish marital roles, establish domestic and career priorities, handle their finances, make sexual adjustments, manage boundaries and relationships with their extended family, and participate in the larger community. The Role of Commitment Studies show that commitment not only brings stability to a relationship but also is essential to overcoming the inevitable ups and downs experienced in relationships. Commitment is based on conscious choice rather than on feelings, which, by their very nature, are transitory. Commitment is a promise of a shared future—a promise to be together, come what may. No matter how they feel, committed partners put effort and energy into the relationship. They take time to attend to their partners, give compliments, and deal with conflict when necessary. Commitment has become an important concept in recent years. To many people, commitment is the most important part of a relationship. Separation and Divorce Although the rates have dropped since the year 2000 (Figure 4.3), divorce is still fairly common in the United States. Those who have never experienced divorce personally—either Page 105their own or that of their parents—almost certainly have friends or relatives who have. The high rate of divorce in the United States may reflect our extremely high expectations for emotional fulfillment and satisfaction in marriage. It may also indicate that our culture no longer embraces the concept of marriage as permanent. Bar chart with divorce and annulment rates by year, showing a decline from 4.0 in 2000 to 3.2 in 2014. [D] FIGURE 4.3 Divorces and annulments: United States, 2000-2014. source: CDC/NCHS National Vital Statistics System (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm). The process of divorce usually begins with an emotional separation. Often one partner is unhappy and looks for a more satisfying relationship. Dissatisfaction increases until the unhappy partner decides he or she can no longer stay. Physical separation follows, although it may take some time for the relationship to be over emotionally. Except for the death of a spouse or family member, divorce may be the greatest stress-producing event in life. Studies show that divorced women are more likely to develop heart disease than married, remarried, or widowed women. Both men and women experience turmoil, depression, and lowered self-esteem during and after divorce. People experience separation distress and loneliness for about a year and then begin a recovery period of one to three years. During this time they gradually construct a postdivorce identity, along with a new pattern of life. Most people are surprised how long it takes to recover from divorce. Children are especially vulnerable to the trauma of divorce, and sometimes counseling is appropriate to help them adjust to the change. However, recent research has found that children who spend substantial time with both parents are usually better adjusted than those in sole custody and are as well-adjusted as their peers from intact families. Coping with divorce has been found to be difficult for children at any age, including adult children. Despite the distress of separation and divorce, the negative effects are usually balanced sooner or later by the possibility of finding a more suitable partner, constructing a new life, and developing new aspects of the self. About 75% of all people who divorce remarry, often within five years. One result of the high divorce and remarriage rate is a growing number of stepfamilies. Ask Yourself QUESTIONS FOR CRITICAL THINKING AND REFLECTION How do you define "commitment" in a relationship? Is it simply a matter of staying faithful to a partner, or is there more? In your own relationships, what signs of commitment do you look for from your partner? What signs of commitment does your partner see in you?

pairing and singlehood

PAIRING AND SINGLEHOOD Although most people eventually marry or commit to a partner, everyone spends some time as a single person, and nearly all people make some attempt, consciously or unconsciously, to find a partner. Intimate relationships are as important for singles as for couples. Choosing a Partner Most people select partners for long-term relationships through a fairly predictable process, although they may not be consciously aware of it. First attraction is based on easily observable characteristics: looks, dress, social status, and reciprocated interest. Studies have shown that most people pair with someone who Lives in the same geographic area Comes from a similar racial, ethnic, and socioeconomic background Has a similar educational status Page 99 Leads a lifestyle like theirs Has (what they think is) the same level of physical attractiveness as themselves Physical attraction plays a strong role in the initial choosing of a partner. People tend to gravitate toward others who share similar characteristics, such as appearance, race, ethnicity, education, and socioeconomic background. © Image Source/Getty Images RF Once the euphoria of romantic love winds down, personality traits and behaviors become more significant factors in how partners view each other. The emphasis shifts to basic values and future aspirations regarding career, family, and children. At some point, they decide whether the relationship feels viable and is worthy of their continued commitment. Perhaps the most important question for potential mates to ask is, "How much do we have in common?" Although differences add interest to a relationship, similarities increase the chances of a relationship's success. Differences can affect a relationship in the areas of values, religion, race, ethnicity, attitudes toward sexuality and gender roles, socioeconomic status, familiarity with each other's culture, and interactions with the extended family. But acceptance and communication skills go a long way toward making a relationship work, no matter how different the partners. Dating Every culture has certain rituals for pairing and finding mates. Parent-arranged marriages, still the norm in many cultures, are often stable and permanent. Although the American cultural norm is personal choice in courtship and mate selection, the popularity of dating services and online matchmaking suggests that many people want help finding a suitable partner. Many people find romantic partners through some form of dating. They narrow the field through a process of getting to know each other. Dating often revolves around a mutually enjoyable activity, such as seeing a movie or having dinner. Casual dating may then evolve into steady or exclusive dating, then engagement, and finally marriage. For many college students today, group activities have replaced dating as a way to meet and get to know potential partners. © Brook Slezak/Stone/Getty Images In recent years, traditional dating has given way to a more casual form of getting together in groups. Two people may begin to spend more time together, but often with other couples or groups. If sexual involvement develops, it is more likely to be based on friendship, respect, and common interests than on expectations related to gender roles. In this model, mate selection may progress from getting together to living together to marriage. Among some teenagers and young adults, dating has been supplanted by hooking up—casual sexual activity without any relationship commitment. For more about this trend, see the box "Hooking Up." WELLNESS ON CAMPUS: Hooking Up Hooking up—having casual sexual encounters with acquaintances or strangers with no commitment or investment in an emotionally intimate relationship—is said to be a current trend among teenagers and young adults. Although casual sex is not new, the difference today is that hooking up is said to be the main form of sexual activity for many people, as opposed to sexual activity within a relationship. Some data indicate that more than 80% of college students have had at least one hookup experience. If dating occurs at all, it happens after people have had sex and become a couple. Hooking up is said to have its roots in the changing social and sexual patterns of the 1960s. Since then, changes in college policies have contributed to the shift, such as the move away from colleges acting in loco parentis (in the place of parents), the trend toward coed dorms, a trend toward getting married at a later age, and the availability of dating apps such as Tinder. Hooking up addresses the desire for "instant intimacy" but also protects the participants from the risk or responsibility of emotional involvement. Because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol, it is associated with sexual risk taking and negative health effects, including the risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2014, young adults aged 15-24 had rates of chlamydia that were almost five times the overall incidence rate for the general population. Hooking up can also have adverse emotional and mental health consequences, including sexual regret and psychological distress. Due to these and other concerns, a backlash against hooking up has taken place on some college campuses. In some cases, individuals are deciding they don't want to be part of the hookup culture. In other cases, groups and organizations have formed to call for a return to traditional dating or at least some middle ground between dating and hooking up. However, recent studies question whether hookup culture is actually anything new. Results from the General Social Survey, which explores attitudes and behaviors around a wide variety of issues, suggest that millennials are actually less promiscuous than previous generations. If that's true, then how did the idea of hookup culture become so widespread? First, we tend to look at the past with rose-colored glasses and thus imagine the "good old days" when people had sex only in the context of committed relationships. Second, young people have a tendency to assume (incorrectly) that all their peers are having sex—that everyone around them is hooking up, except for them. Third, people who aren't the norm (that is, outliers who are having outrageous amounts of sex) are the ones who tend to get media attention, since they provide a more titillating story. sources: Carpenter, L., and J. DeLamater, eds. 2012. Sex for Life: From Virginity to Viagra, How Sexuality Changes Throughout Our Lives. New York: New York University Press, pp. 128-144; Garcia, J. R., et al. 2013. Sexual hook-up culture. Monitor on Psychology 44(2): 60. Online Dating and Relationships Connecting with people online has advantages and drawbacks. It allows people to communicate in a relaxed way, try out different personas, and share things they might Page 100not share when face-to-face with family or friends. It's easier to put yourself out there without too much investment; you can get to know someone from the comfort of your own home, set your own pace, and start and end relationships at any time. With millions of singles using dating sites that let them describe exactly what they are seeking, the Internet can increase a person's chance of finding a good match. However, participants sometimes misrepresent themselves, pretending to be very different—older or younger or even of a different sex—than they really are. Investing time and emotional resources in such relationships can be painful. In rare cases, online romances become dangerous or even deadly (see Chapter 21 for information on cyberstalking). Because people have greater freedom to reveal only what they want to, users should also be aware of a greater tendency to idealize online partners. If your online friend seems perfect, take that as a warning sign. You may search for perfection, find fault quickly, and not give people a chance; conversely, you may act on impulse with insufficient information. Relationship sites also remove an important and powerful source of information from the process: chemistry and in-person intuition. Much of our communication is transmitted through body language and tone, which aren't obvious in text messages and can't be captured fully even by web cams and microphones. Consider these questions. Are you comfortable in disclosing personal information about yourself? Is there a balance in the amount of time spent talking by each of you? Is the other person respecting your boundaries? Just as in face-to-face dating, online relationships require you to use common sense and to trust your instincts. If you pursue an online relationship, the following guidelines may help you have a positive experience and stay safe: Choose a site that fits with your own relationship goals. Some sites are primarily geared for hookups—that is, arranging meetings for casual sex—whereas others aim to facilitate classic dating relationships. Inspect each site thoroughly before registering or providing any information about yourself. If you aren't comfortable with a site's content or purpose, close your web browser and clear out its cache and its store of cookies. (If you don't know how to do this, check your browser's help section for instructions.) Know what you are looking for as well as what you can offer someone else. If you are looking for a relationship, Page 101make that fact clear. Find out the other person's intentions. Don't post photos unless you are completely comfortable with potential consequences (e.g., they might be downloaded by others). Don't give out personal information, including your real full name, school, or place of employment, until you feel sure that you are giving the information to someone who is trustworthy. Set up a second e-mail account for sending and receiving dating-related e-mails. If someone does not respond to a message, don't take it personally. There are many reasons why a person may not pursue the connection. Don't continue to send messages to an unresponsive person; doing so could lead to an accusation of stalking. Before deciding whether to meet an online contact in person, consider talking over the phone. Don't agree to meet someone face-to-face unless you feel comfortable about it. Always meet initially in a public place—a museum, a coffee shop, or a restaurant. Consider bringing along a friend to increase your safety, and let others know where you will be. If you pursue online relationships, don't let them interfere with your other personal relationships and social activities. To support your emotional and personal wellness, use the Internet to widen your circle of friends, not shrink it. QUICK STATS About 15% of all American adults, and 27% of those age 18-24, have used an online dating site or mobile dating app. —Pew Research Center, 2016 Living Together According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about 5.4 million opposite-sex couples and 700,000 same-sex couples live together in the United States. The Human Rights Campaign, however, estimates that the number of same-sex couples in the United States is closer to 1.6 million. Living together, or cohabitation, is one of the most rapid and dramatic social changes that has occurred in our society. By age 30, about half of all adults will have cohabited. Several factors are involved in this change, including greater acceptance of sex outside of marriage, increased availability of contraceptives, the tendency for people to wait longer before getting married, and a larger pool of single and divorced individuals. Cohabitation is more popular among younger people than older, although a significant number of older couples live together without marrying. Cohabitation provides many of the benefits of marriage: companionship; a setting for an enjoyable and meaningful relationship; a chance to develop greater intimacy through learning, compromising, and sharing; a satisfying sex life; and a way to save on living costs. Are there advantages to living together over marriage? For one thing, it may give the partners a greater sense of autonomy. Not bound by the social rules and expectations that are part of marriage, partners may find it easier to keep their identities and more of their independence. Cohabitation doesn't incur the same obligations as marriage. If things don't work out, the partners may find it easier to leave a relationship that hasn't been legally sanctioned. Researchers previously believed that cohabiting before marriage led to higher divorce rates, but a 2014 study by the Council on Contemporary Families found that the age at which couples first cohabit or marry has a greater impact on relationship longevity. Those who wait until at least age 23 have the best relationship outcomes. Of course, living together has drawbacks as well. In many cases, the legal protections of marriage are absent, such as health insurance benefits and property and inheritance rights. These considerations can be particularly serious if the couple has children. Couples may feel social or family pressure to marry or otherwise change their living arrangements, especially if they have young children. The general trend, however, is toward legitimizing nonmarital partnerships; for example, some employers, communities, and states now extend benefits to unmarried domestic partners. QUICK STATS Two-thirds of new marriages take place between couples who have already lived together for an average of 31 months. —Council on Contemporary Families, 2014 Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity in Relationships People demonstrate great diversity in their emotional and sexual attractions (see Chapter 5). Sexual orientation refers to a consistent pattern of emotional and sexual attraction to persons of the same sex or gender, a different sex or gender, or more than one sex or gender. A word that has come into use to describe sexual orientations other than heterosexual/straight is queer. People who prefer to self-identify as queer do so because it is an umbrella term, meaning it does not require one to specify between categories such as gay and bisexual. Rejecting categorization can feel like a relief to those who are still exploring their sexual orientation, or who experience it as fluid. Since queer is a pejorative term that has been reclaimed, never use it to label other people without their permission. Page 102In other words, respect the identity people choose for themselves rather than applying your own label to them. Although they constitute a minority of the population, same-sex partnerships are more visible than they used to be. © Pekic/iStock/360/Getty Images RF Regardless of sexual orientation, most people look for love in a committed relationship. In this sense, queer couples have more similarities than differences from straight couples. Like any intimate relationship, queer partnerships provide intimacy, passion, and security. However, there are also some significant differences between these partnerships. Same-sex partnerships tend to be more egalitarian (equal) and less organized around traditional gender roles. Same-sex couples put greater emphasis on partnership than on role assignment. Domestic tasks are shared or split, and both partners usually support themselves financially. Although many challenges for queer partnerships are common to all relationships, some issues are unique. Sexual minorities often have to deal with societal hostility or ambivalence toward their relationships, in contrast to the societal approval and rights given to heterosexual couples (see the box "Marriage Equality"). Homophobia, which is fear or hatred of homosexuals, can be obvious, as in the case of violence or discrimination. Or it can be subtler—for example, if same-sex couples are portrayed in a stereotypical way in the media. Additional stress can arise if a sexual minority individual belongs to a family, cultural group, or religion that doesn't accept her or his sexual orientation. Because of the rejection these individuals experience by society at large, community resources and support are often more important for queer-identified individuals than for heterosexuals. Many communities offer support groups for same-sex partners and families to help them build social networks. DIVERSITY MATTERS: Marriage Equality In its legal definitions, marriage is an institution in which couples derive legal and economic rights and responsibilities from state and federal statutes. The U.S. Government Accountability Office says more than 1000 federal laws make distinctions based on marriage. Marital status affects many aspects of life, such as Social Security benefits, federal tax status, inheritance, and medical decision making. The push for legal recognition of same-sex partnerships has gone on for decades. Supporters of same-sex marriage rights have met opposition at the local, state, and federal levels, in both the public and private sectors. However, support for marriage equality has increased rapidly in the past several years. In 2001, Americans opposed marriage equality by a 57% to 35% margin, but in 2016, a majority of Americans (61%) supported marriage equality, compared with 37% who opposed it. In 2013, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the federal government must recognize same-sex marriages performed by states that allow them, and in 2015, it declared all state bans on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. Couples in which one or both partners are transgender are affected by this ruling as well, but only if their legal gender classifies them as a same-sex couple at the time of their marriage. Heterosexual transgender couples were generally able to marry previous to this ruling, so long as they were legally man-and-woman at the time of the marriage. © Eric Risberg/AP Images What are benefits of marriage for same-sex couples? Health insurance and retirement benefits for employees' spouses Social Security benefits for spouses, widows, and widowers Support and benefits for military spouses, widows, and widowers Joint income tax filing and exemption from federal estate taxes Immigration protections for binational couples Rights to creative and intellectual property Protection from some types of employment discrimination (e.g., getting fired for marrying a same-sex spouse) Marriage also matters in terms of child rearing. Children who grow up with married parents benefit because their parents' relationship is recognized by law and receives legal protections. Additionally, spouses are generally entitled to joint child custody and visitation should the marriage end in divorce. They also bear an obligation to pay child support. Finally, marriage can have an impact on emotional well-being. Research shows that married people tend to live longer, have higher incomes, engage less frequently in risky behaviors, have a healthier diet, and have fewer psychological problems than unmarried people. Overall, unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples. Finally, studies show that denying same-sex couples the right to marry has a negative impact on their mental health. The long-term impact of marriage equality is not yet known, but it is likely to benefit the legal, economic, and emotional well-being of millions of Americans. sources: Shah, Dayna K. 2004. Letter to Senator Bill Frist. (http://www.gao.gov/new.items/d04353r.pdf); Marriage Equality FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions about the Supreme Court's Marriage Ruling (https://marriageequalityfacts.org/); Gonzales, G. 2014. Same-sex marriage—A prescription for better health. New England Journal of Medicine 370: 1373-1376; Wight, R. G. 2013. Same-sex legal marriage and psychological well-being: Findings from the California Health Interview Survey. American Journal of Public Health 103(2): 339-346. See Chapter 5 for more information about sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual behavior. Singlehood Despite the popularity of marriage, a significant and growing number of adults in our society never marry. Currently more than 116 million single individuals—the largest group of unmarried adults—have never been married (Figure 4.2). Pie charts showing marital status by gender. [D] FIGURE 4.2 Marital status of the U.S. population, 2015. source: U.S. Census Bureau. 2016. Families and Living Arrangements: 2015 (https://www.census.gov/hhes/families/data/marital.html). Several factors contribute to the growing number of single people. One is the changing view of singlehood, which is increasingly being viewed as a legitimate alternative to marriage. Education and careers are delaying the age at which young people are marrying. The median age for marriage is now 29 years for men and 27 years for women. More young people are living with their parents as they complete their education, seek jobs, or strive for financial independence. Page 103Many other single people live together without being married. High divorce rates mean more singles, and people who have experienced divorce may have more negative attitudes about marriage and more positive attitudes about singlehood. Being single, however, does not mean living without the benefit of close relationships. Single people date, enjoy active and fulfilling social lives, and have a variety of sexual experiences and relationships. Other advantages of being single include more opportunities for personal and career development without concern for family obligations and more freedom and control in making life choices. Disadvantages include loneliness and a lack of companionship, as well as economic hardships (particularly for single women, who on average earn less than men). Single men and women alike experience some discrimination and often are pressured to get married. Nearly every adult has at least one episode of being single, whether prior to marriage, between marriages, following divorce or the death of a spouse, or for his or her Page 104entire life. How enjoyable and valuable this single time is depends on several factors, including how deliberately the person has chosen it; how satisfied the person is with his or her social relationships, standard of living, and job; how comfortable the person feels when alone; and how resourceful and energetic the person is about creating an interesting and fulfilling life. QUICK STATS Just over 2 million marriages took place in the United States in 2014. —National Center for Health Statistics (CDC), 2014