K.7 Suggest appropriate revisions

During our last game, our pitcher Baldwin suddenly grabbed his wrist after throwing a fastball. Coach Alexander asked him if he was OK, and Baldwin said that it hurt. None of us knew what was wrong with him and he was whisked off to the doctor, who ultimately diagnosed a forearm strain and wrist tendinitis. After three weeks of rehabilitation, Baldwin finally returned. Coach Alexander said he was glad Baldwin was back, and Baldwin said he was happy and relieved. by adding dialogue by removing biased language by using active voice Submit

add dialogue

Found in the icy waters of the Arctic Ocean the narwhal is a species of whale with a long tusk. Generally, only males have tusks but occasionally females may develop them. The tusks grow up to nine feet long and weigh more than twenty pounds. Researchers aren't exactly sure why narwhals grow these tusks. They might be used to fight other males, to impress females or to help the creatures detect changes in their environment. by fixing run-on sentences by fixing misplaced modifiers by adding missing commas Submit

add missing commas

Getting involved in high school sports is a great way for students to build a variety of important skills. When students play on teams, for example, they learn the importance of teamwork. Teamwork is developed when players work together to achieve success. Players have to balance schoolwork with time spent on practice and games, so they learn how to budget their time well. Sports also provide an opportunity to build confidence. When players practice diligently and see improvement, they feel a sense of accomplishment, which builds self-esteem. by adding a transition between two sentences by using longer sentences by simplifying the last sentence Submit

adding a transition between two sentences

Nearly every morning when I go out jogging, I run into my neighbors—an old couple—walking their dog, Shadow. The woman is pleasantly verbose and has lots of useful advice to offer; she seems miserly since she's always sharing tips on how to save money. Her husband is pleasant but, unlike his wife, is quiet and mousy, so he is harder to get to know. They have politely begged me to take care of Shadow for two weeks this summer while they visit their daughter in Nebraska. I hope that through the experience, I will get to know them a bit better. by adding technical terms by using words with more appropriate connotations by removing redundancy Submit

appropriate connotations

Modern life is notoriously stressful. Every day, people are slammed with stressful events and situations and must seek out strategies to avoid freaking out. Fortunately, there is a free, effective, and safe way to deal with stress: laughter. According to medical experts, laughter yields both short-term and long-term benefits. In the short term, laughing helps pep up organs and increase blood flow—both of which help you chill out. In the long term, laughter can beef up the immune system, improve mood, and diminish pain. by avoiding first-person pronouns by avoiding casual language by maintaining an objective tone Submit

avoid casual language

It's amazing how much money people spend on things they don't need. I wanted to break free from the cycle of consumption, as an experiment, I avoided buying anything for an entire month. It was difficult at first, but I adjusted. I was used to riding the subway and eating out every day, however, I rode my bike to school and brought my lunch from home instead. By the end of the month, I had saved nearly four hundred dollars! by avoiding comma splices by fixing sentence fragments by fixing subject-verb agreement errors Submit

avoid comma splice

The Internet provides an easily accessible source of ever-changing information and entertainment. Social networking sites, email, blogs, and instant messaging provide unlimited opportunities for communication. However, compulsive Internet use can interfere with daily activities like school, work, and relationships. I think that one useful tool for determining whether Internet behavior is compulsive is the Internet Addiction Test developed by Dr. Kimberly Young. The test is a questionnaire that measures the level of Internet addiction. By answering questions—like "How often do you find that you stay online longer than you intended?"—I could learn whether my Internet use is normal or excessive. by including technical terms by using unbiased language by avoiding first-person pronouns by avoiding generalizations Submit

avoid first person pronouns

Employees should be allowed to work from home for a number of reasons. First, being able to work from home eliminates a commute, which means less money spent on gas and less time wasted. Working at home often provides a quieter environment with fewer distractions. Finally, working from home allows people to balance their home and work lives better and spend more time with their families. Thanks to the Internet, millions of employees are now able to work at home. However, many employers are reluctant to allow their employees to work from home, maybe because of the loss of direct oversight. by defining a term when it's first introduced by presenting the general issue before discussing an opinion by putting the examples in the correct order Submit

before discussing an option

Paternity leave is important, too. If fathers were encouraged to take time off, they could be more involved in child care and become more quickly bonded with their new offspring. Many new mothers receive paid maternity leave from their companies or take up to twelve weeks of unpaid leave through the Family and Medical Leave Act, but sadly most fathers don't take advantage of family leave. Extra support from fathers would help mothers, and babies would undoubtedly benefit from more father involvement. Fathers who spend more time with their babies after birth remain more involved with their children later on. by reordering text to keep related ideas together by making a general statement before giving specific examples by swapping the first two sentences Submit

by reordering text to keep related ideas together

Angkor Wat is an important archaeological site in Cambodia. This site is a must-see for visitors to southeast Asia. It is in the province of Siem Reap. The large complex contains temples, communication routes, and a system of reservoirs and canals. For several centuries, Angkor was the center of the Khmer Empire. The Khmer Empire had a high level of social ranking and hierarchical order. Angkor is therefore an important cultural and religious site. by varying the way sentences begin by combining the last two sentences by using more varied sentence structures Submit

by using more varied sentence structures

Allergies are quite common. Allergies occur in about two out of every ten Americans. In people with allergies, the immune system is hypersensitive to a harmless substance in the environment. These substances are called allergens and include things like pollen, dust, pet dander, and mold. Reactions to allergens include sneezing; itchy, watery eyes; runny nose; rashes or hives; and feeling tired or sick. by combining repetitive sentences by using shorter sentences by adding transitions between sentences Submit

combine repetitive sentences

When my grandparents first bought a computer, they didn't know how to use the Internet, so I sit down with them and show them the ropes. We go over a few basic terms, and I introduce them to different browsers. I taught them where to find the URL for a website and how to use search boxes. We cover different ways to navigate around a website; for example, I show them how to use a mouse, how to scroll up or down a page using the scroll bar, and how to click on links. Now they are excited to be online. by using consistent verb tenses by using commas correctly by correcting misplaced modifiers Submit

consistent verb tenses

Although most people realize that humane treatment of animals is important—cruelty to animals still happens all around the world. I believe that more needs to be done to protect animals from abuse and neglect. A number of animal rights organizations for example, the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) work to protect animals every day. In fact, HSUS and its affiliates extend services to over one hundred thousand animals every year, more than any other animal welfare agency.

dashes correctly

Crashes related to distracted driving are dangerous and on the rise. According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 3,328 people were killed in crashes involving distracted driving in 2012, and over 420,000 people were injured. In comparison, 387,000 people were injured in 2011. The CDC also states that in 2011, about one-fifth of all crashes resulting in injuries were related to distracted driving. Distracted driving is operating a vehicle while doing something else, such as talking on a cell phone, texting, or eating. by swapping the last two sentences by removing text unrelated to the main idea by defining a term when it's first introduced Submit

defining a term when it first introduced

Capital punishment should be abolished. There are many reasons for doing away with it. The most important reason is the morality of capital punishment. In addition, there are issues of fairness with regards to race. Finally, there are the financial considerations. While legislators, scholars, and ordinary people have long debated whether criminals convicted of serious crimes should be executed or simply put in prison for life, there is substantial and compelling evidence that we should outlaw the capital punishment.

evidence to support general

When I was sixteen-years-old, I traveled in several Latin-American countries with my parents. While visiting Mexico City, we met a well known film director. I felt rather self conscious, but I asked him for an autograph. He signed my guidebook and gave me the most important advice I've ever received. "Do what you love," he said. He inspired me to follow my dream of becoming a chef. Now I'm enrolled in a top ranking culinary program and will begin my studies in the fall. by fixing run-on sentences by correcting misplaced modifiers by using hyphens correctly Submit

hyphens correctly

Before radio, television, and the Internet, books were the principle source of information and entertainment for people. Now, however, it seems that many have forgotten the special power and shear enjoyment of the written word. Books don't simply expand our knowledge and vocabularies. By diving into books, we can also be transported to faraway times and places. I believe books effect us in a way that other mediums can't; they invite us to experience each story through our own imaginations, so we are active participants. by adding technical terms by fixing misused words by replacing vague language Submit

misused words

While studying cosmology, Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and was given only two years to live. Hawking's groundbreaking work on black holes and popular books on science are widely acclaimed. In 2014, Hawking and other scientists warned the public about the possible dangers of artificial intelligence, or AI. Their comments were in response to Transcendence, a film that examines conflict between humans and technology. by including more details about black holes by narrowing the focus by providing evidence to support opinions Submit

narrow focus

If you have ever climbed a mountain, then you know how cool it can be. Last autumn, my friends invited me to join them on a hike. The plan was to ascend a mountain near our town. The trailhead was in a nice spot. We followed the trail markers and began the two-hour climb up the slope of the mountain. When we started, it was sunny, but it got darker as we walked. When we reached the top, we didn't even realize it because it was cloudy. As we were getting ready to head back down, the sun came out, and we looked down to see the view. It was so cool! by choosing precise sensory language by including technical terms by avoiding overgeneralizations Submit

precise sensory language

I felt a crisis of conscience, when my teacher announced a field trip to see orcas held in captivity. I didn't want to support the practice of keeping these wild animals in captivity, but I had to ask myself, "What's the best thing that I can do in this situation?" Should I forgo the field trip, or should I take it as an opportunity to educate my friends? Then, in that moment of deep internal conflict, I thought of a solution. I realized that I could do both! My teacher let me do an alternative assignment: I researched orcas, and delivered a presentation to my class. by removing unnecessary commas by adding missing commas by punctuating the quotation correctly Submit

removing commas

Asthma is a lung condition that makes it difficult to breathe. When people have asthma, their breathing passages can become inflamed, swelling up and filling with mucus. Emphysema is another lung disease that makes people short of breath. In people with asthma, inflamed airways become sensitive to smoke and dust, and as a result, the muscles of the airway can tighten up. All of these things make the passages narrow, so it's hard for air to move through. As a result, people with asthma sometimes have a hard time breathing. by including more details to support the main idea by clearly stating the main idea by removing information unrelated to the main idea Submit

removing information unrelated to the main idea

Many students, parents, and teachers cringe at the idea of sending kids to school year-round, but it would improve academic performance. Lengthy summer vacations were not established to accommodate farming schedules, as most people assume; they were started so that wealthy families could leave the city in the hot summer months and vacation in the country. Studies have shown that as a result of "summer slide," many students returning to school in the fall have forgotten what they learned the previous year. Year-round school would provide consistency and help students learn more. by removing text unrelated to the main idea by presenting facts before discussing opinions by making a general statement before giving specific examples Submit

removing text unrelated to main idea

Last summer, I helped build houses for families in need. My experience was incredibly rewarding, and I learned a lot about what it means to sacrifice. Donating money is a kind thing to do, but it's just as valuable to donate your time. There are lots of ways that people can volunteer and have an impact on others' lives. People might choose to volunteer at soup kitchens, participate in charity runs, or visit the elderly. In the end, I felt that my hard work was worthwhile when I saw the finished house that I had helped build and met the family that would be able to live there. by putting events in the correct order by presenting facts before discussing opinions by reordering sentences to keep related ideas together Submit

reordering sentences to keep related ideas together

Self-expression is important, therefore, you should be yourself no matter what other people think. People might express their inner selves through music, art, or writing, through foods they eat, cook, and serve others, or through their home decor. I choose to express myself through my clothing and my hairstyle. When I was eight years old, my mother taught me how to sew, now I make all of my own clothes. I also dye my hair crazy colors, like green or blue. Sometimes people stare at me and seem to wonder why I look the way I do. My answer is, "I just gotta be me!" by using semicolons correctly by adding missing commas by punctuating the quotation correctly Submit

semi colons

It is important for doctors and patients to communicate well. A doctor must be sure to listen to their patients. When meeting with patients, the doctor should strive to make him or her feel comfortable and cared for. If a patient is relaxed, they will understand instructions better and feel free to ask questions. Patients must also take responsibility for making their needs known. They should listen carefully to instructions and take medications as prescribed; otherwise you risk complications. by fixing inappropriate shifts in pronoun number and person by fixing sentence fragments by fixing errors in subject-verb agreement Submit

shift pronoun number and person

Traveling is not only about having fun and seeing interesting sights but also teaches teens many important life lessons that they will remember for their entire lives. Overseas travel can make teens more responsible and more independent—for example, they have to budget their resources and manage travel arrangements—and it can teach valuable decision-making skills that teens can use once they return home, such as figuring out how to communicate in a foreign language. These new experiences help young travelers develop skills and confidence that will last a lifetime. by combining sentences by using shorter sentences by varying how sentences begin Submit

shorter sentences

In Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club, four Chinese American daughters and their more traditional Chinese mothers try to reconcile their cultural differences. When the daughters are young girls, they are embarrassed by their mothers and think they are strange. The mothers feel misunderstood by their daughters. As the girls grow into women, their attitudes change. Over time, the mothers and daughters develop a new appreciation for one another. by clearly stating the main idea by including specific examples from the text by removing a second main idea Submit

specific examples

I love lots of things about America, but I have always dreamed of living in Japan. I get a nice feeling when I see photos of Japan and learn things about it. The modern skyscrapers in Tokyo, the Buddhist temples, et cetera, all interest me. I know that living in Japan can be expensive, but I am saving money and making plans to move there sometime soon. by replacing vague language by removing redundancy by fixing misused words Submit

vague language

Mark and I stood on the platform. We were waiting for the train to arrive, and we heard it pull up after a few minutes. We said our goodbyes quickly so that Mark wouldn't miss the train; he needed to catch a flight at the airport. We waved one last time as the train pulled away. Mark would be visiting his grandparents all summer. We wouldn't see each other again until school resumed in the fall. by using shorter sentences by using a greater variety of sentence lengths by varying how sentences begin Submit

vary sentence begin