Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg

First Woman On A Submarine

The first woman officer on a submarine faced more opposition from the wives of the servicemen than the servicemen on the submarine.

Power/Status Affects Communication

When Rubin first became the co-chairman of Goldman Sachs, he was surprised Goldman had such a large position in gold. When he asked about it, he was told it was because he liked gold. The day before Rubin had been walking around the trading floor and remarked that gold looked interesting.

Men Are Not Aware Of Women Issues

While Sheryl was pregnant and working at Google, she told Larry and Sergey that Google need to have reserved parking for pregnant women. They agreed and said they had never thought about it before. Without more equal representation of women in all areas of society including leadership, their needs will continue to be overlooked.

Self Doubt Is Self Defense For Women

" 'For women, self doubt becomes a form of self defense.' In order to protect ourselves from being disliked, we question our abilities and downplay our achievements, especially in the presence of others. We put ourselves down before others can."

What Is Your Biggest Problem And How Can I Solve It?

" 'I want to apply to work with you at Facebook. So I thought about calling you and telling you all the things I'm good at and all the things I like to do. Then I figured that everyone was doing that. So instead, I want to ask you, what is your biggest problem and how can I solve it?' "

Mother's Guilt Is More About The Parent Than The Child

" 'My therapist told me [someone other than Sheryl] that when I was worrying about how much I was leaving my girls that separation anxiety is actually more about the mom than the kids. We talk about it as though it is a problem for children, but actually it can be more of an issue for the mom."

Effective Leaders Have A Sense Of Humor

"A recent study even found that 'sense of humor' was the phrase most frequently used to describe the most effective leaders."

Stereotypes Change Our Own Behavior

"Compounding the problem is a social psychological phenomenon called 'stereotype threat.' Social scientists have observed that when members of a group are made aware of a negative stereotype, they are more likely to perform according to that stereotype. For example, stereotypically, boys are better at math and science than girls. When girls are reminded of their gender before a math or science test, even by something as simple as checking off an 'M' or 'F' box at the top of the test, they perform worse. Stereotype threat discourages girls and women from entering technical fields, and is one of the key reasons that so few study computer science." The sterotype of the working woman is rarely attractive. They are often stressed and worried about neglecting their family. This stereotype needs to change if we want more women to pursue careers.

Don't Try To Meet Demands

"Counter-intuitively, long term success at work often depends on NOT trying to meet every demand placed on us. The best way to make room for both life and career is to make choices deliberately, to set limits and stick to them."

Use A Mentor's Time Wisely

"Few mentors have time for excessive hand holding. A mentee who is positive and prepared can be a bright spot in a [mentor's] day. For this same reason, mentees should avoid complaining excessively to a mentor. Using a mentor's time to validate feelings may help psychologically, but it's better to focus on specific problems with real solutions."

How To Be A Good Mentee

"Garrett has been respectful of my time. He is crisp, focused, and gracious. And he always follows up to let me know the results of our discussion. Capturing someone's attention or imagination in a minute can be done, but only when planned and tailored to that individual. Leading with a vague question such as 'what is Facebook's culture like?' shows more ignorance than interest in the company."

Easy Ways To Get Quick Mentoring

"Getting the attention of a senior person with a virtuoso performance works, but it's not the only way to get a mentor. I have seen lower level employees nimbly grab a moment after a meeting or in the hall to ask advice from a respected and busy senior person. The exchange is casual and quick. After taking that advice, the would be mentee follows up to offer thanks, and then uses that opportunity to ask for more guidance. Without even realizing it, the senior person becomes involved and invested in the junior person's career. The word 'mentor' never needs to be uttered. The relationship is more important than the label."

Don't Depend On Others To Recognize Your Results

"Hard work and results should be recognized by others, but when they aren't advocating for one's self becomes necessary."

My Truth vs. The Truth

"I learned from Fred that effective communication starts with the understanding that there is my point of view (my truth) and someone else's point of view (their truth). Rarely is there one absolute truth, so people who believe that they speak THE truth, are very silencing of others. When we recognize that we can see things only from our own perspective, we can share are views in a non-threatening way.

Women Are Interrupted And Have Credit Taken

"In meetings, both men and women are more likely to interrupt a woman, and give credit to a man for an idea first proposed by a woman. When he witnesses either of these behaviors, he stops the meeting to point it out. Coming from the top, this really makes employees think twice." [American Express CEO]

Recognize That Women Are Reluctant To Advocate For Themselves Because It Can Backfire

"Instead of blaming women for not negotiating more, we need to recognize that women often have good cause to be reluctant to advocate for their own interests, because doing so can easily backfire."

Penalties Women Can Face For Negotiating

"Interestingly, women can negotiate as well as, or even more successfully than men when negotiating for others, such as their company or a colleague, because in these cases, their advocacy does not make them appear self serving. However, when a woman negotiates on her own behalf, she violates the perceived gender norm. Both males and female colleagues often resist working for a woman who has negotiated for a higher salary because she is seen as more demanding than a woman who refrained from negotiating. Even when a woman negotiates successfully for herself, she can pay a longer term cost in good will and future advancement."

"Relentlessly Pleasant" Tactic

"Just being nice is not a winning strategy. Nice sends a message that the woman is willing to sacrifice pay to be liked by others. This is why a woman needs to combine niceness with insistence, a style that Mary Sue Coleman calls, 'relentlessly pleasant.' This method requires smiling frequently, expressing appreciation and concern, invoking common interests, emphasizing larger goals, and approaching the negotiation as solving a problem, as opposed to taking a critical stance."

Leadership

"Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence, and making sure that impact lasts in your absence."

Women Are Expected To Be Loyal

"Men are allowed to be focused on their own achievements, while loyalty is expected from women."

Men Need To Mentor Women

"Mentoring and sponsoring relationships often form between individuals who have common interests, or when the junior members remind the more senior members of themselves. This means that men will gravitate toward sponsoring younger men, with whom they connect more naturally. Since they are so many more men at the top of every industry, the proverbial 'old boy network' continue's to flourish. And since there are already a reduced number of women in leadership roles, it is not possible for the junior women to get enough support unless senior men jump in, too. We need to make male leaders aware of this shortage, and encourage them to widen their circle."

Give Them A Problem To Solve

"Most people in the position to mentor are quite adept at problem solving. Give them a problem to solve."

Single Employees Have Personal Needs, Too

"My coworkers should understand that I need to go to a party tonight, and this is just as legitimate as their kid's soccer game because going to a party and is the only way I might actually meet someone and start a family so I can have a soccer game to go to one day. I often quote this story to make sure single employees know that they have every right to a full life."

Be Honest When Personal Matters Affect Careers 2

"People often pretend that professional decisions are not affected by their personal lives. They are afraid to talk about their home situations at work, as if one should never interfere with the other, when of course they can and do. I know many women who won't discuss their children at work, out of fear their priorities will be questioned."

A Woman Without Guit

"Show me a woman without guilt and I'll show you a man." -Marie Wilson

To Get A Mentor, Deserve One

"Studies show that mentors select protegees based on performance and potential. Intuitively, people invest in those who stand out for their talent, or who can really benefit from help. Mentors continue to invest when mentees use their time well and are truly open to feedback. It may turn into a friendship, but the foundation is a professional relationship. Given this, I believe we have sent the wrong message to woman. We need to stop telling them, 'get a mentor and you will excel.' Instead we need to tell them, 'Excel and you will get a mentor.' "

Inconsistent Ideals

"The ideal worker is defined as someone always available for work. And the good mother is defined as always available to her children. So ideal worker women need to prove that, although they weren't always there, their children are fine, fine, fine. Women who have rejected the ideal worker norm and settled for a slower career or no career, need to prove that their compromise was necessary for the good of their families. So you have each group of women judging the other because neither group of women has been able to live up to inconsistent ideals."

Mentors Gets Benefits, Too

"The mentee may receive more direct assistance, but the mentor receives benefits, too, including useful information, greater commitment from colleagues, and a sense of fulfillment and pride."

Giving Up Power

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker

Nice Guy Misogynists

"The researchers speculated that men in traditional marriages are not overtly hostile toward women, but instead are, 'benevolent sexists' holding positive, yet outdated views about women. Another term I have heard is 'nice guy misogynists.' "

Regular, Quick Feedback Is Often Very Helpful

"When I first joined [FB] I asked Mark for a commitment that he would give me feedback every week, so that anything that bothered him would be aired and discussed quickly. Mark not only said yes, but he immediately added that he wanted it to be reciprocal. For the first few years we stuck to this routine, and voiced concerns big and small every Friday afternoon. As the years went by, sharing honest reactions became part of our ongoing relationship. Now we do so in realtime, rather than waiting for the end of the week."

We Manipulate Criteria To Justify Discrimination

"When a male applicant posed a strong educational record, that quality was considered critical to the success of a police chief, but when a male applicant posed a weaker educational record, that quality was rated as less important. This favoritism was not shown to female applicants. If anything, the reverse happened. When a woman posed a particular skill, ability, or background, that quality tended to carry less weight. The infuriating takeaway from this study is that merit can be manipulated to justify discrimination."

Women Are Expected To Help For Nothing

"When a man helps a colleague the recipient feels indebted to him and is highly likely to return the favor, but when a woman helps out, the feeling of indebtedness is weaker. 'She is communal, right? She wants to help others.' ... When a woman declines to help a colleague, she often receives less favorable reviews and fewer rewards. But a man who declines to help? He pays no penalty."

Advice For Women To Negotiate

"When negotiating, think personally, act communally."

Need More Women Leaders To Decrease Criticism

"Women in powerful positions often receive greater scrutiny. Because the vast majority of leaders are men, it is not possible to general from any one example. But the dearth of female leaders causes one woman to be viewed as representative of her entire gender. AND because people often discount and dislike female leaders, these generalizations are often critical." This will change when there are many more female leaders. It won't be possible to dislike all of them when there are many.

Women Criticizing Women Is Not More Credible

"Women's negative views of female coworkers are often seen as an objective assessment, more credible than the views of men." But remember the Heidi/Howard study. Successful women are disliked more by both men and other women, so women criticizing women should not be taken as more credible.

Feedback Is The Impression We Make On Others

"remember that feedback, like truth, is not absolute. Feedback is an opinion grounded in observations and experiences, which allows us to know what impression we make on others. The information is revealing and potentially uncomfortable, which is why all of us would rather offer feedback to those who welcome it."

Yelling Boss Example

At one job Sheryl had, her boss would visit her 2 male colleagues at their desk, but when he wanted to talk to Sheryl, he would shout "Sandberg, get over here." Her 2 male colleagues started calling each other Sandberg and shouting to call each other over in the same manner.

Worrying About Appearances Makes It Difficult For Men To Mentor Women

Both junior women and senior men avoid mentoring or sponsoring relationships out of fear of what others might think. [To get around this, formalize mentoring programs.] Make mentoring opportunities equal for men and women. This might mean breakfast and lunch meetings, but no dinners or any meal for anyone.

Statements Of Opinion Are Always More Constructive In The First Person 'I' Form

Compare these two statements: "You never take my suggestions seriously." "I feel frustrated that you have not responded to my last 4 emails, which leads me to believe that my suggestions are not that important to you. Is that so?" The former can elicit a quick and defensive, "That's not true." The latter is much harder to deny. One triggers a disagreement. The other sparks a discussion.

Women Don't Like Promoting Themselves, Even Among Other Women. Women Are Good At Advocating For Others.

Even in a group of only women, when asked to tell their accomplishments, no one wanted to speak up (because they would be disliked by other women.) So instead, they were asked to tell each others' accomplishments. This they did readily.

Empowering Women And Minorities Makes Everyone Happier

Harvard noticed that female and international students had lower academic performance than male american students. Harvard spent a few years working to improve this, and were successful. They were surprised to find that students overall were happier.

Make The Other Person State Your Point Of View

If the problem is poor communication, one technique is to get both sides to state the other side's point of view. When Sheryl was young, her mother forced her children to restate the other person's point of view before settling any disagreement.

Are You My Mentor?

If you have to ask, "are you my mentor?" or "will you mentor me?" the answer is no. Mentoring should come naturally. Don't force it.

Be Honest When Personal Matters Affect Careers

Larry Summers had a job offer for Sheryl in Washington DC, but Sheryl did not want to live in DC where her ex-husband was. Instead of making up another reason for not taking the job, she was honest about why she didn't want the job. Later, she felt differently, so she could call Larry and ask if there was still an opening for her. If she had made up a reason for not taking the job, it would have been difficult to change her mind.

Push Back For Yourself

Many people at an investment firm would quit saying they were overworked. What surprised Larry Summers was that the people who quit always had unused vacation time. He advises people need to push back, otherwise there's no end to what will be demanded of them.

Childcare Is Investing In Your Career

New mothers need to think of paying for childcare as investing in their careers. Although their current salary may only pay for childcare, mothers are more likely to stay in the workforce and will earn much more later in their career.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

Shedding fear is highly empowering.

"I Learned To Keep My Hand Up."

Sheryl gave a presentation and was taking questions. She said there was only time for 2 more questions. After 2 questions, the women in the room put their hands down. Some men kept their hands up, and Sheryl took more questions. [Need to recognize that women will tend to stay back whereas men put themselves forward. If we only pay attention to what's in front of us, we will overlook the women.]

Larry Summers Example

Sheryl was in South Africa helping Larry Summers work on his speech in his hotel room. They suddenly realized it was 3 am, and it wouldn't look good if someone saw Sheryl leaving the room at the time. Fortunately, no one saw her leave, but if someone had it's unlikely they could have convinced them they were only working.

More Biased Than Others

Studies have shown that people who think they are not biased tend to be more biased than others.

Leaning Back Is Self Fulling. Leaning In Gives Better Options

Women often think well ahead about having a family, even if that is years away (no children, no husband, even no boyfriend, but they still think about it). They begin to "lean back" from their career so they can start a family. This can be self fulfilling. They don't advance in their career, so they are more inclined to drop out. Sheryl says women should "lean in" since this will give them more options. They will be more engaged and satisfied at work, which leads to a more happy life. Leaning in also results in more flexible hours, more income, and more options for providing child care (can afford it, have a husband that can share responsibilities, take time off, etc.)

Women Stop Working To Care For Children Based On How Much Their Spouse Works

Women who stop working to take care of children have spouses with low income, or high income (obviously). Less obvious is that the number of hours their spouse works per week is usually what determines this. If their spouse has to work 50+ hours per week, women are likely to stop working to take care of children.