night of comedy script
Taylor: Hey, how far did you get in "Grandma?" Did you get to the level where she turns into a robot?
No, look I don't have a lot of time. The Great Gatsby essay, how many quotes are we supposed to use?
Google: Wikipedia, wonderful. Coming right up! Wikipedia: Hi, welcome to Wikipedia, a-- Taylor: Hey, you're back. Did you finish your essay?
No, not yet. I forgot what color the light was in the Great Gatsby.
Taylor: Well you have to get back online. Now. Jenny and Mark just broke up.
Oh gosh, not again. The last time they broke up they were so dramatic about it.
Taylor: Because I'm an amazing friend who wants you to play the best game ever. Here, I'll send you the link.
Oh, come on. This can't really be a game!
Click AD 1: Hey, any interest in buying the Great Gatsby? Book plus movie for the low price of $3.99. Just click me, and you'll have it. Click AD 2: Hey, heard you're into green lights. At Lights.com we have a wide variety of lights for you to choose from. Including green! Click me!
Oh, for the...I just typed that! How do these ads find me so quickly?
Wikipedia: Uh-oh! Looks like you found a Woopsipedia! We at Wikipedia believe anyone should be allowed to edit and contribute to the articles on our website. However, this can occasionally lead to errors as we encourage people like this to participate. Wikipedia Contributor: Well, I think Kermit the Frog should be in everything! 'Cause I like the way his green felt feels on my skin. And that's not weird. You're weird!
Oh, no! You were the main source for my essay!?!
Fiona: Are you? Are you really Micah?
...yes?
Jenny: Just like 5 or 6 people. Don't worry if you can't skate, neither can I. Mark and Jenny: It would literally mean so much if you would come.
Aaaaaaah.... To Mark and Jenny: Sorry, I'm literally grounded. But hopefully we'll hang soon! NO MORE FACEBOOK
Taylor: Four, why?
Ah! Darn it! I have three.
Taylor: Yes! You do. You know how Jenny and Mark are. They are sad soulless people who only find personal worth in their status likes. Do it now unless you want to get on their bad side.
Ah! Fine. I'll go to Facebook!
Facebook: Hey, hey. You're in Facebook. Who do you wanna look at? 'Cause you can look at anyone. Ex-boyfriends. Crushes, Celebrities. Look at their pictures. Look at what they're saying. Look at then all the time. You wanna see babies? Everyone posts pictures of their babies on here.
Ah, gross. You know, this is why I don't go on Facebook anymore.
Fiona: She doesn't need them, but it would be nice to have a spare that just lives in her gym bag.
Ahhh! Fine! I'll buy her beats ear-bud headphones. Just give me a minute. I'll look on Amazon.
Fiona: Well, Jenny just feels like you're taking his side.
Ahhhh.....okay! Okay...Just...what can I do to prove to Jenny that I'm still her friend?
Mom: That's it. Go to school. Right now.
But I haven't finished my report!
Taylor: Just tack one onto the end. Mr. T. loves it when you end an essay with a quote.
But which one? I don't have time to look through he whole novel and--
Mom: Well, let's talk about it later tonight. i'm glad you're being open-minded
Bye mom. I have soccer after school, but I shouldn't be home too late.
Jenny: OMG. You have no idea. It's literally been the worst thing that's happened to me.
Do either of you know what literally means? To Jenny: Wow, it must be really bad then. Hang in there, you'll get through it.
Mom: Well, times up. Whether you're finished or not it's time for--
No, I'm finished! And mom. Thanks. You were right. I...need to put some limits on online stuff.
Facebook: Taylor just sent you an invite! And you know Taylor gets mad when you don't respond to her invites.
Fine! Just show me the invite.
Amazon: Hey, come on. I know it's invasive, but it's so easy. Isn't it easy? I mean look at all the beats headphones we have on sale this week and every week. In fact, everything's on sale. All the time. And if you think something's overpriced, we'll pressure manufacturers into bankruptcy. Okay we'll do that for you. WE will. Just please don't leave until you've bought more stuff.
Fine, whatever, I'll take a pair of headphones.
Taylor: Don't knock it til you've tried it.
Fine.
Mom: Five more minutes, and I want you out of the house and on your way. No more excuses.
Great. Thank you. I promise this will take me like...a minute. In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive green light. He believed there could be a life better than the one he had at that time, and so he was always reaching, always looking. And....each time he would reach, he would be pulled further and further from reality, until his own life...was taken from him. Done. Mom, I'm dooooone. Taylor are you still there?
Wikipedia: ...Gatsby spends many nights staring at the green light at the end of her dock, across the bay from his mansion. The color of the light is green due to Daisy's romantic attraction to Kermit the Frog, of the Muppets and Sesame Street fame. In chapter five she insits--
Green! Okay, that's all I needed. Oooh wait. Kermit the Frog? What was that? Kermit the Frog wasn't in The Great Gatsby!
Google: The Great Gatsby light color? Results: from Shmoop.com: The green light isn't the only symbolic color in The Great Gatsby. Fitzgerald uses color like a preschooler who--
Green! The light is green. Okay. Thank goodness.
Grandma: Oh no! My cataracts! Announcer: Oooooo! Grandma got some pig on her face!
Haha! This is ridiculous.
Grandma: Ha! Take that! Bah! I have 87 years of experience! What do you have? Announcer: Pig bomb now available! Would you care to use it?
Heck yeah! Pig bombs away!!!!!
Mom: Micah!
Hey what?
Mom: What are you doing? I thought you said you were finishing up your Great Gatsby paper.
I am.
Facebook: Wait wait wait! You can't leave. Look at all the links to articles you could read. Look at all these videos, and pictures, and birthdays people are having!
I can't! I'm going to be late for school!
Announcer: Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat! Boxing Cat!
I don't know. Aren't you a little tired of cat videos?
Amazon: Wait, we also have Great Gatsby in appliances! Automobiles! Clothing and jewelry in men, women, girls, boys, babies! Look at this Daisy Buchanan onesie!
I don't need Great Gatsby anything! Okay? Who even told you I was reading that book?
Fiona: I know. I really love The Great Gatsby. Anytime you want me to recite a chapter by heart for you, I will.
I don't think I ever will but that's good to know! Thanks Fiona. Cut and paste the quote. and print! Ha! I'm done!
Taylor: How would I ever get tired of seeing cats do incredible or stupid things? I mean, can you imagine what it must have been like 30 years ago? A cat would box! Put on gloves and box like a human and their owner would just be like, "That's cool, I'll just keep this amazing boxing cat to myself. No need to share it with the rest of the world." And then like...we just would never get to see it.
I guess that's true.
Taylor: I know. So go online and like both their statuses before they think you've taken a side
I have like one sentence left to write. Do I really have to do this now?
Mom: What do you mean, what? Are you done with your report yet? You have to leave in... twelve minutes.
I know. Sorry, I...couldn't remember what color the light was in The Great Gatsby. So I went online to Wikipedia, but then I wasn't sure if Wikipedia was accurate, so I went to Google, and then these ADS--
Taylor: Micah, where'd you go?
I told you. I have this paper to finish.
Fiona: Because my loyal and best friend Jenny said that you were taking Mark's side in their devastating breakup.
I'm not taking anyone's side! I am just trying to be friends with both Jenny and Mark. Okay? Is that allowed?
Google: Wonderful. Search for anything and everything you could ever possibly want with no strings attached--except that I'm storing every search you do and am selling it to marketing companies and the NSA.
I'm sorry, what?
Mom: Just wrap it up. You've been late six times this month and I am sick of it. Shut off the wifi, and get it done.
In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive green light. He believed there could be a life better than he had at that time, and so he was always reaching, always looking-- Hello?
Taylor: I don't remember there being a light. But I skipped through a lot of it. It was really long.
It's 180 pages.
Mom: And from the looks of it, you're never going to. Unless your report somehow involves...hitting a defenseless grandmother with pigs.
It's just a game!
Facebook: Yeah, Jenny, no problem. She posts all kinds of pictures.
Just give me her page ya creep!
Fiona: Hey Micah, what's up?
Look, I'm in a bind and I hear you're a huge Great Gatsby fan.
Amazon: Oh! Fantastic! And you're sure there isn't anything else you want? We have a streaming video service! And a cloud computing service. And a phone everyone hates! And uh, uh...
Look, it's fine. I just need to...
Mom: It would kill her! A pig at that velocity would kill Nana!
Mom! Look, I'm sorry I got distracted. I went online , because Taylor called me, because there was this whole breakup drama, which honestly would have effected my science project had I not---
Mom: Well, you have to leave for school in...twenty minutes. Are you sure that's enough time? You promised me it would be done last--
Mom, I swear, I know exactly what I'm going to write. It's going to take me...five minutes. At most.
Mom: It's offensive. Think how Nana Burke would feel if you hit her with a pig!
Mom, this is obviously not the same--
Mom: I don't want to hear any more excuses. Shut off your computer, and go to school.
Mom. I have five more minutes before I have to leave. I have one, ONE sentence left to write. Do you really want me to not turn this paper in, a paper that's worth twenty percent of my grade, because you want to prove a point?
Mom: Well it doesn't look like you're doing it.
Mom. Look, I have one paragraph left to write. That's like three sentences, and then I am done. It's not gonna take me that long.
Mark: Message from Mark
NO!
Mark: That's some really solid advice. Literally, thank you so much. Hey, if you're not doing anything tomorrow a bunch of us are hanging out at my pool. Nothing too crazy. Just a solid support group to help me through this incredibly difficult time. Jenny: Hey, Micah, a bunch of us are going to the ice rink tomorrow. Kind of as a pick-me-up for the horrible place i'm literally in right now.
NO...stop
Wikipedia: Hmmm...Not found. Contents for The Great Gatsby. 1.1 Historical Context 2. Plot Summary 2.1 Major Characters 3. Themes.
Never mind, this will take too long. Search for: Light.
Google: The Great Gatsby! First try!
No wait! Not just the Great Gatsby! The Great Gatsby light color question mark.
Fiona: Oh ya, I've literally memorized The Great Gatsby. And unlike Jenny and Mark, I know what literally means. Hey, wanna hear me recite the whole book? "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice--"
No! Fiona! I'm really impressed you have the whole book memorized, I just don't have the time. All I need is a quote that will end my essay about the unrealistic desire of the American dream.
Facebook: Sounds like a game. Sounds like a really fun game. A loooot of people are playing it right now.
No! I can't!
Amazon: Wait! We're developing new stuff all the time here at Amazon. Like delivery drones and TV shows and uh this! Look! A cutting-edge state of the art yo-yo! Designed by Amazon studios, this yo-yo does tricks all by itself. Look! Darn it. Look, it will work. Eventually, I think. Just take a Kindle select book in the meantime. It's mostly creepy fan-fiction, but it's free with Amazon Prime!
No! I have to go! Okay, headphones ordered. They should arrive from Amazon in two days.
Facebook: Yeah...what else you wanna look at? You don't even have to tell nobody you're looking at them, you can just look and be like "Mmm..I like your picture." And then just lick your lips like this--
No! Just give me Mark Nutter's page. Thank you.
Google: The Green Mile? The Grinch? The Grapes of Wrath?
No! Just wait. The Great--
Taylor: Oh! Hey, have you seen The Great Catsby? Open up Youtube! Catsby: New York. 1922. The tempo of the city had changed sharply. The buildings were higher. The parties were bigger. The morals were looser. And the liquor was cheaper.
No! No more cat videos! I have to work.
Google: The Greatest Show on Earth. The Great Depression. The Great Santini.
No! The Great Ga--
Google: Nothing! Never mind. Hey, would you like to see a cat video? Announcer: Pizza. Pizza. Cat! Pizza, Pizza, Cat! Pizza Pizza Cat!
No!! My mom was right, I'm never getting this done unless I turn off the internet.
Google: It definitely wasn't me, I'm just a multipurpose search engine! Why would I tell anyone anything about what you do online??? Amazon: Hey, I heard you were interested in beats.
Oh, that's so creepy. Google, get back here!
Fiona: No problem: I'm happy to help out any of my friends. I'm very loyal to all my friends.
Oh. Great. So am I.
Jenny: Message from Jenny: Hey Micah! I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your Like. You have no idea what it's been like these past few hours.
Oh...come on! To Jenny: No problem. I'm sure you'll get through it, but I know it must be tough.
Amazon: Hey, welcome to Amazon, what can I get you? I heard you were into The Great Gatsby, we have Great Gatsby in books! CDs! DVDs! Blu-Ray!
Okay, I just need--
Taylor: Fine. Just chat me again when you're done.
Okay, back to Wikipedia.
Facebook: Yeah, but you haven't ended your account have you? No.... you haven't, 'cause you like to look sometimes. Looky looky...
Okay, just...show me Jenny Shumer's page please.
Mom: Then you can turn it on for as long as that takes you to look up that specific article, but otherwise I want you to turn it OFF. Understood?
Okay, ya, fine. I will Hey, I gotta go. Mom's being really annoying about this Gatsby paper.
Taylor: That cat just recited The Great Gatsby in perfect English. How are you not impressed by that?!?
Taylor, I really have to finish this.
Google: Nothing! What can I help you search for? Bet you I know what you want before you do.
The Gr--
Google: The Great Gabby! The Great Galveston Texas!
The Great Gatsby!
Taylor: What light?
The... light. The light that haunts Jay Gatsby. Daisy's light.
Mark: Hey M. You have no idea how much I appreciated that like. My heart has literally been in pieces this morning.
To Mark: Well, I hope that's not literally true as I think you'd be dead. But I get what you mean. Hang in there, you're a great guy!
Jenny: Facebook status: Thank you all to all my true friends who liked my new status. It gives me strength and a well of fortitude during this incredibly traumatic time for me. Just remember, "you are beautiful, in every single way. No words will bring you down." Christina Aguilera. Not only is she a singing contest judge, she's also a poet for my soul.
Uh, Gross, Jenny. Like!
Taylor: Alright, I'll see ya later. Oh, hey, I'm thinking of making a meme out of Boxing Cat, so if you have any good meme headings let me know. I'm thinking of "This cat likes to PUNCH!"
Uh, I don't think that makes sense.
Google: Hi. Welcome back to Google! Still your best and easiest option for searching the web, playing a movie, and getting your picture taken without permission. How can I google your day?
Uh...just the search engine. Thanks.
Taylor: Seriously, use the pig bomb at least once. It's hilarious. Announcer: Level 2. Ready for more Grandma? Grandma: Go ahead, you little whipper snapper. I survived the Great Depression, and I can sure as heck survive you.
We'll see about that.
Wikipedia: Yes, I know. Studies have shown that over 90 percent of high school students use Wikipedia as a source for their research papers, which is quite frankly terrifying.
Well, I'd better go to a different source to make sure the light is green. I guess it's back to Google.
Taylor: Yeah, but anything over 140 characters, unless it has emojis, is kinda hard for me to follow these days.
Well, look, there's definitely a light in The Great Gatsby, and I know Mr. Thornsbury will knock off points if I get its color wrong so...
Mom: Fine. But I want to see it before you leave for school. So turn off your internet browser and get to work.
What if I need to look up something?
Taylor: Hey, what's up?
What is this? Why did you invite me to play "Knock Grandma Off Her Chair?"
Google: I don't know. It's probably a coincidence. There are no coincidences there is only Google. Accept that we know everything about you and your life will be infinitely better.
What?
Taylor: Just wait until level two when they give you the pig bomb.
What?
Taylor: No! What kind of a horrible question is that?
What?
Mom: Micah!
What? Mom! What?
Fiona: Beats headphones. The earbud ones.
What? She needs headphones?
Taylor: Just play it for like two minutes. I mean, it's stupid, but it's also weirdly....beautiful.
What? That can't be true.
Taylor: Hey, Taylor just invited you to play "Knock Grandma Off Her Chair, Pig Version"
What? What is that?
Google: Hi. Welcome to Google, where we have everything you want forever. Would you like a search engine? Email? Calendar? Cloud Computing? A terrible social media platform no one uses?
Wikipedia
Announcer: Knock Grandma off her chair! Get your pigs ready!!! Grandma: Ha! Nice try. Bah! Why don't you go play for the Brooklyn Dodgers ya noodle arm?!
Wow! This grandmother's a real jerk! Here take this!!
Fiona: Oh okay. I could give you a quote.
Wow, that's great. You'd really be helping me out. You have no idea.
Fiona: "No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart." Nick Carraway
Wow. That's good.
Mom: Micah!
Yeah! Hold on a sec, my mom's calling me.
Grandma: Oh no! My arthritis! Announcer: Oooooh! Grandma got blown up! Pig-style!
Yeah! Take that Grandma!
Fiona: Right. So you said your theme is the elusiveness of the American dream?
Yeah, more or less.
Taylor: Ask Fiona. She's obsessed with The Great Gatsby, practically has it memorized. She'll give you something good that fits with your theme
Yeah, okay. Good idea. Hey, Fiona.
Taylor: Micah, it's the internet, It doesn't have to "make sense" as long as it's loud and repetitive.
Yeah, okay. I'll let you know if I think of anything. Alright, three more sentences. Here we go. In the end, Jay Gatsby never did get what he wanted, his precious and elusive...light. Oh shoot, what color was the light? Blue? The book cover's blue. His precious and elusive blue light....It's not blue. Darn it. It's...it's...ugh
Wikipedia: Hi, welcome to Wikipedia, a collaboratively edited, multilingual, free-access, free content internet encyclopedia. Wikipedia is a mostly reliable source!
Yeah, what color is the light in The Great Gatsby?
Fiona: Great, I'm sure Jenny will really appreciate how supportive of a friend you're being.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just really pressed for time, so if you have that quote?
Mark: Status update: Dark days guys. Dark days. The CURE once said, "Boys don't cry." Well, they do today. They so do today. I appreciate the support I've gotten from everyone, so much. You'll never truly know what your words have meant to me.
You guys are the worst. Like! And...
