Plautus - Menaechmi (1-195 & 1060-1162)

Salutem primum iam a principio propitiammihi atque uobis, spectatores, nuntio.apporto uobis Plautum . . . lingua, non manu:quaeso ut benignis accipiatis auribus. nunc argumentum accipite atque animum aduortite;quam potero in uerba conferam paucissuma.atque hoc poetae faciunt in comoediis:omnis res gestas esse Athenis autumant,quo illud uobis graecum uideatur magis;10ego nusquam dicam nisi ubi factum dicitur. haec urbs Epidamnus est dum haec agitur fabula: quando alia agetur aliud fiet oppidum; sicut familiae quoque solent mutarier: modo hic habitat leno, modo adulescens, modo senex, pauper, mendicus, rex, parasitus, hariolus. atque adeo hoc argumentum graecissat, tamennon atticissat, uerum sicilicissitat. huic argumento antelogium hoc fuit. nunc argumentum uobis demensum dabo, non modio nec trimodio, uerum ipso horreo: tantum ad narrandum argumentum adest benignitas.

First and foremost I announce that Salus is well-disposed toward myself and you, spectators. I'm bringing you Plautus . . . with my tongue, not my hand. I ask you to receive him with benevolent ears. Now receive the plot summary and pay attention. I'll put it in as few words as I can. This is what writers do in comedies: they claim that everything took place in Athens, intending that it should seem more Greek to you. I shall say what happened nowhere except where it is said to have happened. This city is Epidamnus as long as this play is being staged. When another is staged it'll become another town, just as households too always change. At one time a pimp lives here, at another a young man, at yet another an old one, a pauper, a beggar, a king, a hanger-on, a soothsayer. And besides, this plot summary has a Greek air; nevertheless, it doesn't have an Attic air, but a Sicilian one. This was the preamble to this plot summary. Now I'll give you your ration of the plot, not by the peck or the triple peck, but by the granary itself; so benevolent am I when it comes to telling you the summary.

quia illum clamore uidi flagitarier.ne mox erretis, iam nunc praedico prius:idem est ambobus nomen geminis fratribus.nunc in Epidamnum pedibus redeundum est mihi, ut hanc rem uobis examussim disputem.si quis quid uestrum Epidamnum curari sibiuelit, audacter imperato et dicito,sed ita ut det unde curari id possit sibi.nam nisi qui argentum dederit, nugas egerit; qui dederit . . . magis maiores nugas egerit.uerum illuc redeo unde abii atque uno asto in loco.Epidamniensis ill' quem dudum dixeram,geminum illum puerum qui surrupuit alterum,ei liberorum nisi diuitiae nil erat: adoptat illum puerum surrupticiumsibi filium eique uxorem dotatam dedit,eumque heredem fecit quom ipse obiit diem.nam rus ut ibat forte, ut multum pluerat,ingressus fluuium rapidum ab urbe hau longule, rapidus raptori pueri subduxit pedesapstraxitque hominem in maxumam malam crucem.illi diuitiae euenerunt maxumae.is illic habitat geminus surrupticius.nunc ille geminus, qui Syracusis habet, hodie in Epidamnum uenit cum seruo suo hunc quaeritatum geminum germanum suom. aec urbs Epidamnus est dum haec agitur fabula: quando alia agetur aliud fiet oppidum; sicut familiae quoque solent mutarier: modo hic habitat leno, modo adulescens, modo senex, pauper, mendicus, rex, parasitus, hariolus.

I saw him being dunned loudly. So that you aren't soon mistaken, I'm already telling you now in advance: both twin brothers have the same name. Now I have to return to Epidamnus on foot in order to set you right on this other account: if anyone of you wants any business sorted out in Epidamnus, let him command me boldly and speak out, but in such a way that he gives the money from which this business can be sorted out; if anyone doesn't give me the money, he's behaving like a fool. But if he does give me the money . . . he's behaving even more like a fool. Well, I'm returning to the location I left and yet I'm standing in one and the same place. That man from Epidamnus I was talking about a moment ago, the man who kidnapped that other twin, he had no children except for his wealth. He adopted that kidnapped boy as his son and gave him a wife with a big dowry, and he made him his heir when he himself died: when he happened to go to the country, after much rain had fallen, he stepped into a racing river not far from the city; the racer pulled away the feet of the child-displacer and dragged him off to a very sticky end. That young man got very great riches. This kidnapped twin lives there. Now that twin who lives in Syracuse has come to Epidamnus today with his slave in order to look for this twin brother of his. This city is Epidamnus as long as this play is being staged. When another is staged it'll become another town, just as households too always change. At one time a pimp lives here, at another a young man, at yet another an old one, a pauper, a beggar, a king, a hanger-on, a soothsayer.

ni mala, ni stulta sies, ani indomita imposque animi, quod uiro esse odio uideas, atute tibi odio habeas. praeterhac si mihi tale post hunc diemfaxis, faxo foris uidua uisas patrem. nam quotiens foras ire uolo, ame retines, reuocas, rogitas, quo ego eam, quam rem agam, quid negoti geram,quid petam, quid feram, quid foris egerim.portitorem domum duxi, ita omnem mihirem necesse eloqui est, quicquid egi atque ago.nimium ego te habui delicatam; nunc adeo ut facturusdicam. quando ego tibi ancillas, penum, lanam, aurum, uestem, purpuram abene praebeo nec quicquam eges, malo cauebis si sapis, auirum opseruare desines. atque adeo, ne me nequiquam serues, ob eam industriamhodie ducam scortum ad cenam atque aliquo condicam foras. Illic homo se uxori simulat male loqui, loquitur mihi;nam si foris cenat, profecto me, haud uxorem, ulciscitur. euax! iurgio hercle tandem uxorem abegi ab ianua.ubi sunt amatores mariti? dona quid cessant mihiconferre omnes congratulantes quia pugnaui fortiter? hanc modo uxori intus pallam surrupui, ad scortum fero.sic hoc decet, dari facete uerba custodi catae.hoc facinus pulchrum est, hoc probum est, hoc lepidumest, hoc factum est fabre:meo malo a mala apstuli hoc, ad damnum deferetur.auorti praedam ab hostibus nostrum salute socium. heus adulescens! ecqua in istac pars inest praeda mihi? perii! in insidias deueni. immo in praesidium, ne time. quis homo est? ego sum. o mea Commoditas, o mea Opportunitas, salue. salue. quid agis? teneo dextera genium meum. non potuisti magis per tempus mi aduenire quam aduenis. ita ego soleo: Commoditatis omnis articulos scio. uin tu facinus luculentum inspicere? quis id coxit coquos?iam sciam, si quid titubatum est, ubi reliquias uidero. dic mi, enumquam tu uidisti tabulam pictam in parieteubi aquila Catamitum raperet aut ubi Venus Adoneum? saepe. sed quid istae picturae ad me attinent? age me aspice. ecquid assimulo similiter? qui istic ornatust tuos? dic hominem lepidissumum esse me. ubi esuri sumus? dic modo hoc quod ego te iubeo. dico: homo lepidissume. ecquid audes de tuo istuc addere? atque hilarissume. perge. non pergo hercle nisi scio qua gratia.litigium tibi est cum uxore, eo mi aps te caueo cautius. clam uxorem est ubi pulcre habeamus, [atque] hunccomburamus diem. age sane igitur, quando aequom oras, quam mox incendorogum? dies quidem iam ad umbilicum est dimidiatus mortuos. te morare mihi quom obloquere. You're delaying yourself by interrupting me. oculum effodito per solummihi, Menaechme, si ullum uerbum faxo nisi quod iusseris. concede huc a foribus. fiat. etiam concede huc. licet. etiam nunc concede audacter ab leonino cauo. eu edepol! ne tu, ut ego opinor, esses agitator probus. quidum? ne te uxor sequatur respectas identidem. sed quid ais? egone? id enim quod tu uis, id aio atque id nego. ecquid tu de odore possis, si quid forte olfeceris,facere coniecturam. captum sit collegium. agedum odorare hanc quam ego habeo pallam. quidolet? apstines? summum oportet olfactare uestimentum muliebre,nam ex istoc loco spurcatur nasum odore illutili. olfacta igitur hinc, Penicule. lepide ut fastidis! decet. quid igitur? quid olet? responde. furtum, scortum, prandium. tibi fuant... elocutu's, nam nunc ad amicam deferetur hanc meretricem Erotium.mihi, tibi atque illi iubebo iam apparari prandium. inde usque ad diurnam stellam crastinam potabimus. expedite fabulatu's. iam fores ferio? feri. uel mane etiam. mille passum commoratu's cantharum. placide pulta. metuis, credo, ne fores Samiae sient. mane, mane opsecro hercle: eapse eccam exit. oh! solem uides satin ut occaecatust prae huius corporis candoribus?

If you weren't bad, if you weren't stupid, if you weren't unrestrained and unable to control your mind, you yourself would hate what you can see your husband hates. If after this day you do something further of this sort to me, I'll pack you off to your father as a divorced woman. Whenever I want to go out you hold me back, call me back, and ask me where I'm going, what I'm doing, what business I'm carrying out, what I'm seeking, what I'm up to, what I've done outside. I've married a customs officer: I have to state everything, whatever I've done and am doing. I've spoiled you far too much. Now I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Since I'm providing you well with slave girls, food, wool, gold, clothes, and purple, and you don't lack anything, you'll watch out for a hard time if you're wise and you'll stop spying on your husband. As to give you a good reason to guard me, in return for that officiousness I'll take a prostitute to dinner today and engage myself somewhere outside. He's pretending to tell off his wife, but he's telling me off: if he dines outside, he's in fact punishing me, not his wife. Hurray! At last I've driven my wife away from the door with my invective. Where are the married lovers? Why don't they bring me presents, all of them, and congratulate me for fighting bravely? I've just stolen this mantle (points to it) from my wife inside and I'm bringing it to a prostitute. That's how it should be: the clever guard must be tricked smartly. This deed is noble, moral, stylish, and professional: I've nicked this piece (holds on to the mantle) from the nasty piece, with a nasty outcome for myself, and it will be led to its ruin. I took the booty away from the enemy with our allies safe and sound. Hey there, young man! Do I get any share in this booty? I'm dead! I've been detected. No, you've been protected, stop being afraid. Who is it? It's me. O my Timeliness, o my Opportunity, my greetings to you. And mine to you. What are you up to? I'm holding my good spirit with my right hand. You couldn't have come at a better time than the one you're coming at. That's my custom; I know all the critical moments of Timeliness. Do you want to see something splendid? What cook cooked it? I'll know at once if some mistake has been made when I see the leftovers. Tell me, have you ever seen a mural painting where an eagle carries off Ganymede or Venus carries off Adonis? Often. But what do those pictures have to do with me? Go on, look at me. Do I resemble them in a similar way? What are you dressed up for like that? Say that I'm a jolly good fellow. Where are we going to eat? Just say what I'm telling you. All right: jolly good fellow. Go on, go on! I'm not going on unless I know what for. You're having a quarrel with your wife, that's why I'm taking extra-careful care for myself against trouble from you. There's a place where we can have a good time behind my wife's back and where we can burn this day to cinders. Go on then, since what you ask is fair, how soon shall I set fire to the pyre? Half the day is already dead, right up to its navel. Gouge out my eye by the roots, Menaechmus, if I utter a single word except for what you tell me. Come over here from the door. Yes (does so). Come over here, a bit more. All right. (obeys). Now boldly come over even further from the lioness's den. Goodness! You'd really be a good charioteer, I think. How so? You keep looking behind you to check that your wife isn't catching up with you. But what do you say? I? I say yes and no to whatever you wish. If you happened to smell something, could you make a conjecture from the smell. The college of sniffers were stuck. Go on, smell this mantle I have. (shows it, lifting up the lower part) What does it smell of? You're staying away? One ought to smell the top of a female dress, because from that spot one's nose is contaminated with a smell that can't be washed off. Then smell here, Peniculus. (points to the top) How charmingly you give yourself airs! That's appropriate. What now? What does it smell of? Answer me. Theft, a prostitute, a lunch. You might have... You've said it, because... lunch. Now this will be brought to my girlfriend, the prostitute Erotium here. I'll now have a lunch prepared for myself, you, and her. Brilliant! Then we shall drink till tomorrow's morning star. You've spoken clearly. Shall I knock on the door? Yes, do. Or wait still. You've delayed the goblet a mile. Knock gently. You're afraid, I believe, that the door is Samian earthenware. Wait, wait please. Look, she's coming out herself. Oh! Can you see how the sun has been blotted out in the light of her body's radiance?

anime mi, Menaechme, salue. quid ego? extra numerumes mihi. idem istuc aliis ascriptiuis fieri ad legionem solet. ego istic mihi hodie apparari iussi apud te proelium. hodie id fiet. in eo uterque proelio potabimus. uter ibi melior bellator erit inuentus cantharotu seligito ac iudicato cum utro . . . hanc noctem sies. ut ego uxorem, mea uoluptas, ubi te aspicio, odi male! interim nequis quin eius aliquid indutus sies. quid hoc est? induuiae tuae atque uxoris exuuiae, rosa. superas facile ut superior sis mihi quam quisquam quiimperant. meretrix tantisper blanditur, dum illud quod rapiat uidet; nam si amabas, iam oportebat nasum abreptum mordicus.

My sweetheart, Menaechmus, hello. What about me? You don't count to me. That same thing is always said to happen to supernumeraries like me in the army too. I ordered that a battle should prepared for myself here at your place today. It shall take place today. In this battle we shall both drink. You choose which of us is found to be the better warrior there with the jug and decide with which of us . . . you spend this night. My darling, how badly I hate my wife when I look at you! In the meantime you can't help wearing something of hers. What is this? You are robed and my wife is robbed, my rose. You easily gain the upper hand so that for me you are above any of those who command me. A prostitute only flatters as long as she can see something she can snatch: if you loved him, you ought to have bitten off his nose by now.

iuuentus nomen fecit Peniculo mihi,ideo quia . . . mensam quando edo detergeo.homines captiuos qui catenis uinciunt et qui fugitiuis seruis indunt compedis,nimis stulte faciunt mea quidem sententia.nam homini misero si ad malum accedit malum,maior lubido est fugere et facere nequiter.nam se ex catenis eximunt aliquo modo. tum compediti anum lima praeteruntaut lapide excutiunt clauom. nugae sunt eae.quem tu asseruare recte ne aufugiat uolesesca atque potione uinciri decet.apud mensam plenam homini rostrum deliges; dum tu illi quod edit et quod potet praebeas,suo arbitratu, ad fatim, cottidie,numquam edepol fugiet, tam etsi capital fecerit,facile asseruabis, dum eo uinclo uincies.ita istaec nimis lenta uincla sunt escaria: quam magis extendas tanto astringunt artius.nam ego ad Menaechmum hunc eo, quo iam diusum iudicatus; ultro eo ut me uinciat.nam illic homo homines non alit, uerum educatrecreatque: nullus melius medicinam facit. ita est adulescens ipsus; escae maxumae, Cerealis cenas dat, ita mensas exstruit,tantas struices concinnat patinarias:standum est in lecto si quid de summo petas.sed mi interuallum iam hos dies multos fuit: domi domitus sum usque cum caris meis.nam neque edo neque emo nisi quod est carissumum.id quoque iam, cari qui instruontur deserunt.nunc ad eum inuiso. sed aperitur ostium.Menaechmum eccum ipsum uideo, progreditur foras.

The youngsters have given me the name "Peniculus, the Brush" because . . . when I eat I wipe the table clean. People who bind prisoners with chains and who put shackles on runaway slaves behave very stupidly, at least in my opinion: if an unlucky fellow finds one bad thing added to another, he's all the more eager to run away and behave badly. Yes, they get themselves out of the chains in some way or other. Then those in shackles rub through the link with a file or knock the rivet off with a stone. That's just nonsense. Someone you want to watch over well so he doesn't run away ought to be bound with food and drink. At a full table you can tie down a man's snout. So long as you provide him with food and drink, at his own discretion, to repletion, every day, he'll never run away, even if he's committed a capital crime. You'll guard him easily so long as you bind him with this bond. Those food chains are terribly tough indeed: the more you stretch them, the more tightly they tie; I'm going to Menaechmus here, the bond servant of whose household I've been for a long time already. I'm going of my own accord so that he can bind me. Yes, he doesn't simply feed men, but nurtures and restores them. No one practices the medical profession better. That's what the young man himself is like. The portions are enormous, he gives dinners fit for the feast of Ceres, to judge from the way he creates heaps on the tables and from the height of the piles of pans he puts together. You have to stand on your couch if you want to take something from the top. But now I've had a gap of many days past. I'm constantly housebound in my house with my dear ones: I neither eat nor buy except what is dearest. And now these dear ones who are being marshaled are deserting me. Now I'll visit him. But the door is opening. Look, I can see Menaechmus himself, he's coming out.

mercator quidam fuit Syracusis senex,ei sunt nati filii gemini duo,ita forma simili pueri ut mater sua non internosse posset quae mammam dabat,neque adeo mater ipsa quae illos pepererat—ut quidem ille dixit mihi qui pueros uiderat:ego illos non uidi, ne quis uostrum censeat.postquam iam pueri septuennes sunt, pater onerauit nauim magnam multis mercibus;imponit geminum alterum in nauim pater,Tarentum auexit secum ad mercatum simul,illum reliquit alterum apud matrem domi.Tarenti ludi forte erant quom illuc uenit. mortales multi, ut ad ludos, conuenerant:puer aberrauit inter homines a patre.Epidamniensis quidam ibi mercator fuit,is puerum tollit auehitque Epidamnum eum.pater eius autem postquam puerum perdidit, animum despondit eaque is aegritudinepaucis diebus post Tarenti emortuost.postquam Syracusas de ea re rediit nuntiusad auom puerorum, puerum surruptum alterumpatremque pueri ess' Tarenti emortuom, immutat nomen auos huic gemino alteri;ita illum dilexit qui surruptust alterum:illius nomen indit illi qui domi est,Menaechmo, idem quod alteri nomen fuit;et ipsus eodem est auos uocatus nomine; propterea illius nomen memini facilius,

There was a certain old merchant in Syracuse. Two twin sons were born to him, boys of such similar looks that their wet nurse who gave them the breast could not tell them apart, nor for that matter the mother herself who'd given birth to them—at least someone who'd seen the boys told me so. I haven't see them, in case any of you supposes that I did. When the boys were now seven years old, their father loaded a large ship with much freight. The father put one twin onto the ship and took him with him to Tarentum to the market. He left the other one at home with his mother. In Tarentum there was by chance a festival when he arrived. Many people had gathered, as they do at festivals. The boy strayed from his father among the crowd. There was a certain merchant from Epidamnus there. He picked the boy up and carried him off to Epidamnus. But after his father lost the boy, he despaired and because of his grief for him died a few days later in Tarentum. After the news about this came back to Syracuse to the grandfather of the boys, that the one boy had been kidnapped and that the boy's father had died in Tarentum, the grandfather changed the name of this other twin; so much did he love that other one who was snatched. He gave his name to the one who was at home, Menaechmus, the same name the other one had. And the grandfather himself was called by the same name. I remember his name more easily for the simple reason that