Bad Auditions by Bad Actors Lines

MELISSA: ...yeah.

(Not believing her:) Okay, well thank you for coming in.

ROGER: Yeah, okay. Fine.

(as if he's hard of hearing:) Is it fine!? Do you understand what your role is?

ROGER: Yeah, I know. Bring in the actors, collect their headshots. Make sure we stay on schedule.

(still hard of hearing:) Good! Very good!

ROGER: Why are you talking like that? I can hear you just fine.

(still hard of hearing:) I just want to make sure we're on the same page. Same page! Do you understand that? Do you need coffee?

JOSIE: Yeah...probably...I don't know, I think I would...maybe...

(takes a deep breath.) Well, thanks for coming in.

MELISSA: Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love And I'll no longer be a Capulet. (A phone starts making noise.)

All right, I told everyone, no phones.

(MARIA slowly takes her hands out of her pockets.)

All right, so just keep going from where you left off.

MARIA: 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy: Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's a Montague?

All right, uh, what is that?

AVERY: There's never a perfect time to direct, Carol. You simply have to take the opportunity given to you...and go.

All right, you're right. I think. Well...when do rehearsals begin?

AVERY: It's a sure fire hit. I'm not sure why exactly. Name recognition? Shakespeare? Perhaps people get a perverse kick when they see two people fall in love and then kill themselves. I don't question it, Carol, all I know is that whenever the Red Barn has done "Romeo and Juliet", it is always a sure fire hit. Always. And Carol, you are going to direct this season's production. You.

But I can't... I mean, that's too much pressure. What if I mess up?

AVERY: Too old! That's the one rub of "Romeo and Juliet". Teenage leads. Always you have to find those perfect...young...teenage leads. And let's be honest, the production lives or dies with who you cast, so. Let's hope you don't mess it up.

But I didn't know the company was in danger of collapsing. I...I...this is too much for my first directing assignment.

ROGER: Okay, it's just I have to skedaddle in an hour...so I'd really appreciate it if we could wrap this up--

But I may need you!

ROGER: I'm not a drug addict. Look, one day I was eating Skittles. You know, the colorful, "not at all a drug" candy, and Avery came over to our house, unannounced, like he always does, 'cause he's a wackadoo and says to me, "Damn it Roger, drugs? Why, Roger, why!?" And I'm like "These are Skittles, Avery, what are you talking about!?" He then runs upstairs, and tells my parents that I am like on crystal meth but he can't be sure. My parents freak out and are like, "You need a job, you have too much free time on your hands and I'm like "For Skittles! It's Skittles, Mom! How is this crystal meth!" Anyway, they thought I was lying, so here I am.

But isn't that what a drug addict would say?

AVERY: So you need to be cast by today.

But that's...that's...

AVERY: That's the fire, Carol! You want to turn yourself into a metaphorical clay pot of directing, well...here's your chance. You need that heat. That pressure of knowing that if you fail, you will be bankrupting an institution you love so dearly! It's essential to your growth!

But what if I do fail and the Red Barn Community Theatre goes under! I couldn't...live with-

ROGER: Okay, so you might not have a choice with the "do you want a break" thing because...no one's coming in for the next five minutes. Or so.

But your sheet says we're booked solid. Where's Mark? Where's Selina?

JOE: What? You're going to be reading the lady's part?!? Oh my God, that is so stupid!

Can you just read the side?

MELISSA: Okay...what do you mean?

Don't worry about your voice, and shouting every line so intensely, just read the scene the way Melissa would. Okay? Honest. Simple.

ROGER: Well, I was checking cancellations on my email before I got berated for using my very helpful smart phone. I can't remember who was yelling at me, it was a very intense woman with no social skills and--

Fine. Check your phone. If you need it for scheduling purposes...check it.

ACT 1 - Scene 1

First of all, thank you for your time. I know this is a lot to ask, so I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to plead my case. So...let me start at the beginning. When I was seven years old, my mother took me to the Red Barn Theatre to see a production of "Peter Pan" and let me just say...my life was transformed. I was never one for TV, reading, sports, or...friends. I was kind of a loner and my parents were worried I was going to be one of those weird shut-in kids who makes dolls out of corn husks. I actually don't know anyone who does that but that was their worry. Anyway, the point is, all their fears went away the moment I saw your production of "Peter Pan". The lights, and the actors, the music and the drama! After intermission I stood up in my seat and said "Right there! That's me! That is what I want to do with my life! There! I am going to be an actor for the Red Barn Theatre!" (sits back down.) But then I found out that would be impossible. Turns out, as you know, I have an intense fear of speaking in public. So bad, in fact, my doctor confirmed it is actually an allergy. I get hives, my throat swells shut. So acting was out of the question. But then what should I do? I had the theatre bug so, I thought maybe I could do something with the tech side, lights perhaps? But I never fit in with the culture of stagehands and the tech union is so darn hard to get into. And that's when I realized what it was I was truly passionate about: directing. A director is the overseer, mother, and God of theatre. The director is the one who takes the full, boring script and gives it life. Directing! Yes! That was what I was meant to do! That is who I am! (sit back down again.) Again. Sorry. I can get a little...worked up. The point is, I have been your assistant here at the Red Barn Community Theatre in Hoxie for the past five years. I've learned a lot from you, but I think that now, I am ready and have earned a chance to direct a production...on my own. And I would like you to give me that opportunity. Thank you.

ROGER: Avery Stern is nuts. Okay? He is certifiable, I mean I'm sure you've noticed, you've been his assistant for the last, what, five years?

Five and a half. And no, I don't think he's crazy. I think he is a misunderstood, theatrical genius at one of the finest institutions this state has to offer.

AVERY: Carol, the Red Barn Theatre is going through what we call a...horrible...economic...downfall. Due to years of declining audience attendance and our misguided commission of a three-part, six-hour musical based on the popular board game Scrabble...

For the record, I was a big fan of "Sing the Spelling: A Scrabble Musical in Ten Acts." I think in time it may still find an audience.

ROGER: I mean...I don't think so.

Gosh, you're such a pessimist. You don't believe in the power of acting? In the ability to find, in a rough of actors, a true and shining diamond?

JOE: The one that says Romeo. I'm gonna read that.

Great.

ROGER: Did Uncle Avery tell you I was on drugs?

He...he may have mentioned your past, yes.

(JOE enters the stage. He's a tough guy, with a leather jacket and devil-may-care attitude.)

Hi, thank you so much for coming in.

ROGER: Yeah, well...I'm working on it.

How? By playing a game on your stupid phone? We have to set up chairs, and tell the actors...

COACH: I know, she's just nervous. But she's really building something...raw and open!

I mean, I'm not going to get a good read because you keep...interrupting her. I need to see the monologue all the way through.

COACH: Uh-huh. Well, I can scale back my notes.

I think you'd better leave.

(A1 S1) ROGER: What?

I thought you needed to be out of here in an hour? And according to your schedule...we start seeing people in, what...five minutes ago. Is that true? Five minutes ago?

JOE:...Yeah!?

I'm just not so sure Romeo is that angry in this scene. This is...well this is the balcony scene. This is where Romeo and Juliet declare their love for one another. It should be sweet, and passionate.

JOE: OH! I was just about to get to the good stuff.

I'm sorry, I just feel that maybe we're going down the wrong road.

COACH: A little forceful but keep going.

I'm sorry, are you going to be here for the whole audition?

JOSIE: That's all I got.

I'm sorry, was that...supposed to be a monologue?

AVERY: Not a lot of time! I know, Carol! I know! I'm Avery Stern, Artistic Director of the Red Barn Community Theatre in Hoxie. I know exactly how time works! Exactly! Now can you do this or not?

I...I can do it. I can.

MARIA: I told you, I never know what to do with my hands so...I thought, well, this is what I do when I talk about boys, so I'll just try that.

It is?

JOE: Excuse me!?

It's just...you're playing this scene...with a lot of anger.

JOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just uh...good luck buddy. 'Cause right now I'm like...shocked! You have no idea!

Just start where it says "My sweet?"

ROGER: For God's sake. I'm not on drugs. I've never even--

Look, I'm not judging. I just want to make sure you do a thorough and professional job.

MELISSA: OR IF THOU WILT NOT, BE BUT SWORN MY LOVE!!!!! AND I'LL NO LONGER BE A CAPULET!!!!!!!

Melissa, was that your acting coach sending you a text message? Did he tell you to yell those lines?

JOSIE: Uh...mono...tog...

Mono-tog? What's a mono-tog? Do you mean "monologue"?

(JOSIE nods.)

Monologue, great.

MELISSA: Yes...yes...I'm so sorry about--

No you're doing great. And if I could give just one note...forget about your acting coach for now. To me it just seems like all your coach's notes are just...making you yell for no reason, so...just be yourself and have fun.

ROGER: Hey, do you need a break?

No, I feel like we should just hunker down and keep going. Right? I feel like I'm getting in the groove.

ROGER: Oh, right. Well, I think I got it covered.

No, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you have lots of friends who are girls that you can talk to.

JOSIE: Hi...should I come in now...or...not...or...

No, you're right on time, thanks for coming in.

JOSIE: Yeah. That's it right?

No. Of course it isn't. You should know that.

MARIA: Yeah, what do you do?

Not that. Look, I don't know anybody who does that in real life. You look crazy, so...why don't you just try something else.

JOE: Cause I saw one that said Juliet and I was like "not this guy. I ain't no Juliet."

Of course not. So, you're going to be reading with Roger.

AVERY: Thank you. The best art is only appreciated 100 years after its conception. That's a fact. Anyway, the point is we are in desperate...desperate need of a hit.

Oh, gosh Avery, I didn't know that.

COACH: Yes! Yes! There we are! There's love! Now continue!

Okay, I'm going to stop you. Um...I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside. I feel like I'm not getting a good read from Melissa--

MARIA: O Romeo, Rome, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love...

Okay, great work so far. Really. Um...I want you to keep going, I just wanted to give a minor adjustment.

JOE: AND I SHALL STAY! RIGHT HERE! UH..AND I'M GONNA FORGET ANY OTHER HOME! BUT! THIS!

Okay, great, I'm just going to stop you there.

AVERY: Good. Now, I took the liberty of setting up some actors for you to audition. Hoxie's youngest and brightest or so I'm told. You should have a good sampling to choose from.

Okay, well...I guess that's good.

JOE: Cause like, I know when I'm in love, and then I climb up walls, I'm just so amped by the time I get there, ya know. I'm like...UHHHH! I LOVE YOU! LET'S DO PUSH UPS!

Okay, well...thank you for coming by.

ROGER: So you're not going to take my advice about chilling out, are you?

Roger!

AVERY: Carol, I am of the belief that great artists thrive and prove their worth under the most severe and pressure-cooked circumstances. It's like putting a clay dish in the red-hot kiln. Without the fire, it's just a... blobby clay thing. Go ahead, try and put your keys in a pre-heated clay pot. You can't! They'll just get all clayed up. And gooey. It's really disgusting!

Sir?

COACH: You won't even know I'm here.

So, I guess we'll just jump right in. Did you prepare a monologue or a scene?

(COACH gives MELISSA a hug and walks offstage.)

So, should we try this again from the top?

MARIA: Nope, no.

So, will you be doing a monologue or a scene?

ROGER: She's not my girlfriend. She's my "hopefully will be my girlfriend" by the end of the day. If...everything goes right.

Sure.

JOE: Ah, yeah, you good? You're like...impressed and stuff.

Sure. And I might suggest you look into therapy.

MARIA: Hi, Maria McConville. Thank you so much for seeing me.

Thank you for coming in. Any questions?

AVERY: In my 35 years as the artistic director of the Red Barn Theatre we have from time to time come across financial speed bumps. And yet, every time we hit one of these bumps there is a simple and elegant solution that has yet to fail. Romeo. And. Juliet.

That's it? You're going to mount another production of "Romeo and Juliet".

ROGER: What institution?

The Red Barn Theatre.

JOE: Joe. Romano. And I uh....I got this thing to read. The thing I picked up outside with the lines?

The audition scene?

AVERY: Tomorrow?

Tomorrow!

MELISSA: So don't VECO?

Try not Vecoing. Yes.

(JOSIE hesitates, starts to leave, realizes she's going the wrong way, changes directions, then leaves.)

Ugh, this has been awful. It's got to get better, right?

COACH: Good self-compliment. A little braggy but I don't think they noticed.

Uh, okay, well whenever you're ready.

ROGER: Um...so do you want a list of actors who are coming in to audition?

Um, yes. No! Keeping track of actors is an assistant's job. And since I am no longer the assistant...you shall keep the list!

COACH: I'm just here for moral support. I hope that's okay.

Um...well, normally I'd prefer to just see the actor alone but...okay, I guess I can allow it.

ROGER: Small town, third best community theatre. We get the dregs of the acting community unfortunately. Good news is we should be able to wrap this up in...I don't know, 45 minutes.

Unless we don't find a Romeo and Juliet. Then we'll just have to keep going.

AVERY: Carol, Carol, Carol. The sets have been built, the Red Barn Theatre players have already been assigned their roles. You can even use the blocking from my 1972 production if you like. It's fool-proof! All that's left to do, is to find our Romeo...and our Juliet.

We can't use someone from our company of actors?

JOSIE: So I'm gonna be in it. I'm the...main girl...uh...shoot, what's her name?

We'll let you know.

JOE: Yeah! Passionate! That's what I'm doing like...ILOVE YOU SO MUCH I WANNA PUNCH A WALL!

Well I don't think he's gonna punch a wall--

AVERY: Not today, Roger. Not today.

Well I'm so grateful for this opportunity! I promise, I won't let you down! I'll direct a production of "Romeo and Juliet" so grand and exciting that the Red Barn Theatre will run for another 50 years!

ROGER: All right, first of all, the Red Barn Theatre is in no way an institution. It is one of three theatres in Hoxie and it is by far the worst. Second, Avery Stern, is nutso with a capital N. I honestly don't know how you've made it this long as his assistant.

Well why should I take what you say seriously? You're...you're...

ROGER: Anyway, it's complicated. I don't want to get into it. I can get very worked up about it. This has been a long time coming and...it's important to me that it goes well. That's all.

Well, good luck. I know what it's like to want something for...a long time. That's like me and directing so, if you need any help, I mean...I am a woman, I could maybe...have a perspective that would be helpful.

ROGER: Thank you...yep, two cancellations, Mark Decker is sick and Selina...moved. Apparently.

Well, great, just great.

MARIA: Really? You thought so?

Well, it was a...a...

MARIA: Sorry, I just never know what to do with my hands. I feel like they can be distracting.

Well, try not to worry about it, just, you know, relax. Do what you'd normally do with your hands.

ROGER: Not drugs! God, it's a...girl thing. I have a date. Potential date. It's been five years in the making and I...look, I don't want to talk about it. I just met you.

Well, we'll do our best to be done on time. But I can't make any promises. The theatre waits for no man or woman!

JOSIE: Thank...me, you. I mean you. Thank...(beat.)

Well, what have you got for us, a scene or a--?

ROGER: Skittles?! No, no drug addict in the history of drug addicts has tried to pass off Skittles as drugs. Ever. That's the dumbest lie ever. Whatever, I'm here, I'm being forced to do this job for Avery, so just...you don't have to treat me like I'm an idiot. I know what the job is. See? (ROGER shows CAROL his sheet.)

Well... this all seems very organized. Great. I uh, hmm...I thought there would be more...actors coming.

(ROGER takes out his phone, starts searching for something.)

What are you doing?

AVERY: How could you? I never let anyone see the books at the Red Barn Theatre, and even if you did...well I've cooked them pretty good. Hard to tell where the false profits begin and the lying debits end. It's a real stew of lies and fraud, my bookkeeping.

What are you going to do?

ROGER: I'm not sure they're coming. I think we had some cancellations.

What do you mean think? How do you not know for sure!?!

ROGER: Hey, we still have more actors to see and you know...there was some promise from the first batch.

What, are you kidding me?

AVERY: Excellent. Now, one final caveat. My nephew, Roger, he's uh...uh...how do I put this, a massive drug addict. He'll be your assistant.

What?

ROGER: Okay, one, you need to relax or you're going to develop an ulcer before rehearsal even starts. Seriously, it's a marathon, not a race. Two, I already talked to the actors outside, they know the deal, when to come in, to read a monologue or a scene...all that stuff. And three, this is not a stupid phone. This is a smart phone. Smart. This phone could get you dressed in the morning all while playing Sudoku with a friend in Japan. Smart!

Whatever! Can you just...bring in the first actors?

ROGER: Okay, yeah, they were bad. Very bad. But I have a good feeling about this next group. Real good. (ROGER gets a "ping" from his phone. He checks it. Writes back. Puts his phone away.) (They sit for a minute.)

Who was that? Your girlfriend?

JOSIE: Look, it was really long, but...if you cast me I'll memorize it. And the other lines and stuff.

Will you?

MARIA: Um, monologue. If that's okay with you?

Works for me. Whenever you're ready.

MARIA: Normally?

Yeah, give it a shot.

MARIA: It just seemed natural, you know, because she's in love.

Yep. Okay, well thanks for stopping by.

MELISSA: No, it was from my...doctor. And it wasn't about...acting...or anything...

Your doctor? In the middle of the day...is texting you about nothing?

MARIA: Okay.

Your hands in your pockets. It's a little distracting.

MARIA: What?

Your hands. Why are you swinging your arms around and clapping?

ROGER: A drug addict?

Your words, not mine.