Boundary setting

First Stage: When our boundaries crossed and we are bothered We are in first stage, when we are bothered by another person's actions or emotions that violate our square. BUT we handle it through passiveness (e.g. neglecting our own needs), or lashing out at others through aggression or passive-aggression

1) This stage is marked by a sense of victimization... often for both parties! 2) We may shift from passiveness to aggressiveness- almost like a pressured spring. 3) When we are passive- people may not show us respect or want to respect boundaries. When we are aggressive - we are judged negatively and the other party feels more defensive and/or resentful.

Second Stage: Boundary setting Calmly, but decisively bringing respect to your needs and setting responsibility to the other person to help maintain those needs a) Channel anger into constructing a boundary. b) Anger, fear, anxiety, and complaints slow the process. c) Don't manage the other's square. Focus on protecting and addressing your own square. If you have advice for their square, ask permission. Steps 1) Genuinely connect with and say the other person's experience and how they might respond to you voicing your needs. 2) What's painful in your square? Respectfully voice your OWN concerns, wants, or experience 3) Solve it together, offer options that would satisfy your need, or lastly, give a respectful directive.

1. Genuinely connect with and say the other person's experience and how they might respond to you voicing your needs. Try to acknowledge the good and that they have freedom in their square. e.g. I know it's early on a Saturday morning and you were hoping to sleep in e.g. I know you were just joking around and you didn't mean any harm... e.g. I really appreciate that you've.... (ACKNOWLEDGING THE GOOD) e.g. It's your room and you can do what you want in here. (ACKNOWLEDGING THEIR SQUARE)

So what happens when someone doesn't respect my boundaries? 1) It's helpful if our actions match helpful beliefs. a) Here, the beliefs are tied to our sense of self-respect and self-compassion. b) Also, compassion for the other, as we know they benefit from the feedback about their behavior. We show them respectfully that their behavior isn't helpful for the relationship.

2) The natural consequence to the relationship when someone doesn't respect our boundaries is that we will feel less warm and offer less attention to the person who disrespects the boundaries we have set. Not out of punishment, but out of a forced reaction. There's a sense of disappointment we have in wanting to be close to the person, but not feeling motivated to because of their lack of respect for our preferences. 3) We will be respectful and cordial, but business-like and we may choose to be more distant physically or emotionally. This is enhanced by our being warm and praising otherwise. 4) We won't be motivated to be giving or offer favors.

Why didn't it work? 1) There must be a desire from the other to respect and maintain the relationship. 2) They may need to have time to process their emotions on their own to come to their own conclusions about what they want.

2) We may need to maintain our emotional or physical distance until the other party is willing to respect the boundary. "Create a thirst for the boundary." a) This stage develops our ability to cope with disharmony and discomfort- it is unpleasant! Don't give in or fix the situation to reduce your temporary discomfort. Acknowledge the fear and discomfort and still commit to the action. Stick with our resolve to set a standard of what is acceptable behavior. 3) They intentionally crossed your boundaries. a) In this case, try not to show that you are affected by their actions. Be unimpressed by their boundary crossing. Make them reflect on themselves (e.g. What are you trying to do? Are you trying to hurt my feelings?), ignore them, give a directive, or leave the situation.

2. What's painful in your square? Respectfully voice your OWN concerns, wants, or experience e.g. My back is hurt and I need help with taking out the trash e.g. I'm worried because I want to be on time for our appointment e.g. I was hurt after we talked because I didn't feel cared for. e.g. It would help me feel way calmer if you... (let them know what their actions mean to you.

3. Solve it together, offer options that would satisfy your need, or lastly, give a respectful directive. e.g. What should we do? e.g. Would you put in headphones or turn down the music? e.g. Please clean up your food.

Situations 1) Your roommate is playing music at 11 PM, you want to go to bed because you have work the next day. 2) You are asking your daughter to help take out the trash this Monday morning. 3) You are looking to go to your room and have alone time, but your son follows you into your room. 4) There is a person smoking and it accidentally floats into your face 5) There is a person smoking and intentionally blows it in your face. 6) Your spouse is yelling at you after having a bad day.

7) A co-worker keeps making insensitive jokes that you don't find funny. 8) Gil comes in an hour late consistently to each session. 9) Your son wants a computer game and you to buy it for him. 10) Your significant other keeps trying to make you feel better about a problem when you need space. 11) Your 12-year-old daughter is waking up at 5 and wants you to wake up to cook a nice breakfast for her. 12) Your friend comes over and consistently dumps their emotional problems on you, but you are getting exhausted and resentful.

• We can offer acceptance, validation, and empathic care to help the person with a foundation from which they can act, provided we aren't feeling resentful about doing so. • AFTER offering acceptance, validation, and/or empathy, we can ask others what they need and if they want help. Ask them what would be helpful.

Taking responsibility for our problems and emotions. • Try not to confuse fault with responsibility. Your problems are not your fault, but they are your responsibility to address. We must take charge of caring for our emotions and addressing our problems.

Third Stage: Giving from Choice - You're here when, someone crosses your normal boundaries or asks something from you, but you're fine with it. - Happens when you're willingly giving to the other person's needs. Fill their need as long as it doesn't victimize you. - If you're here, it either it makes you happy to help them or you don't feel the need to set a boundary

We want to move into a place where we either: A) Have our boundaries respected OR B) It makes us happy to help them with their preferences or we don't feel the need to set a boundary

What do you mean by boundaries? - Imagine that you have your own square representing your needs, emotions, and problems. Other people have their own square of needs, emotions, and problems. - Boundaries are needed when one person isn't taking responsibility for their own square or when one person is infringing upon or taking responsibility for other's squares. - Setting boundaries are a way to express and meet your needs with others.

o Helpful Personal Boundaries = Taking responsibility and care for your own square of emotions, wants, and problems while also allowing others to take responsibility for their square. o Through your words and actions, expressing what behavior you're ok with and not ok with in your relationships. Letting others know how you would like to be treated. o We can offer support to others and ask others for help, but in the end, we must take responsibility for managing our emotions and solving our problems and allow them to work through theirs.

• We can provide emotional support, paying attention to the person's feelings concerning a problem, rather than giving advice or trying to solve the issue for them.

o We may want to help people by solving their problems, but this positive intention sometimes sends them the messages: 1) They can't handle their problems 2) They need to be fixed 3) That their problems (like failure) are terrible and must not happen 4) That we, not they, are responsible for fixing their problems and working through their emotions

Helpful steps to prep boundary setting • First, it helps if we practice managing our own emotions and helping solve our own problems. This allows us to be mindful when setting boundaries.

• Begin Practicing the Skill of 'Emotional Shielding' o Our sense of empathy, responsibility, or fear may lead us to have our own emotional response/discomfort to another's. o This discomfort may lead you to do things, that ultimately doesn't serve you or the other person. In resisting this urge, you place responsibility for the other on them and not on you, which is where it belongs in the first place.

Benefits of setting boundaries?

• We feel better about ourselves and are happier in our relationships. • People take responsibility for their behavior and we enjoy our relationships more. When we don't have good boundaries, both people are not benefitting in the long-run.

What gets in the way of us setting respectful boundaries? • We worry about disturbing the peace in the relationship. We may have to deal with conflict or negative feelings from the other. • Our own discomfort. We don't want to have the other person feel hurt, pain, or be angry. We don't want the other person to distance themselves from us, reject us, leave us, or judge us. • We don't think we deserve to be treated by a certain standard.

• We feel guilty and don't want to cause the other person discomfort. • We feel responsible for the other person's life and don't want them to experience pain or loss. • Our own stress and levels of emotion.