Ch. 12: Love & Relationships

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

Lasting, high quality relationships have: - Supportive communication. - Companionship and shared interests. - Sexual expression and variety. - Seeing partner as best friend (need substance behind attraction). - Maintaining frequent positive interaction. - Appreciation of each other's qualities. - Commitment. - Realistic expectations. - Ability to face and deal with conflict.

Buss, 1992

- Evaluated hypothetical situations: your partner had sex with another or your partner fell in love with another but didn't have sex. - *Male, sex* = 6.75. - Male, love = 1.16 - Female, sex = 3.03. - *Female, love* = 8.12

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Duration

- *Passion* starts strong then subsides as relationship progresses. - *Intimacy* and *Commitment* progress over time.

Jealousy

- A jealousy-prone person has: low self-esteem, a high value on wealth and popularity. - Negative consequences: precipitates partner violence, stifles relationship development, & raises anxiety, depression, and anger. - Sex differences in Triggers for Jealousy: women are more bothered by emotional fidelity (losing resources) whereas men are more bothered by sexual infidelity (fear of cuckoldry). No difference in frequency.

Passionate Love

- Also known as *romantic love or infatuation.* - Honeymoon phase. - Strong longing for union with one another. - Intense psychological feelings/arousal. - Strong sexual desire. - Feelings of completeness. - Fascination. - Exclusiveness: no sex with others. - Giving the utmost. - Short-lived (biological). - Physical attractiveness. - Includes *idealization* of another (*seen in all cultures).

Issues in Loving Relationships

- Conditional Love: "love is contingent uopn x." - vs. Unconditional Love: "I love you regardless." • Self-acceptance/self-esteem: issues will manifest & eventually come out. • Self-disclosure: necessary to keep the bond. • Relationship between love and sex: not always clear ("hook-ups" and "friends with benefits").

What is Love?

- Difficult to define/measure (operational definition). - Behavioral, cognitive, and emotional components (act/think/feel). - Means different things to different people. - Many forms of love.

Companionate Love

- Long term relationships. • Based on togetherness, trust, sharing & concern. • Friendly affection and deep attachment. • Stable and enduring. • Realistic. • Sense of calm, peace, stability, and security. • Often good, satisfying sexual relationship. • Less intense and enduring than passionate love. • Familiarity and tolerance for short-comings (being comfortable with them).

Falling in Love: Proximity

- Mere exposure effect: the more you see something, the more you like it. • Familiarity breeds contempt: *not true.* - Greater proximity often reflects shared interests.

Falling in Love: Reciprocity

- When someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back. - Cycle: they like you, you like them back, they like you even more. - Increases in self-esteem. - Increases likelihood of relationship enduring; feeding off of each other's like for the other. - No fear of rejection.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Combinations

1. Non-love: none of the 3 components. Ex. strangers. 2. Liking: *only intimacy.* Ex. friendship. 3. Infatuation: *only passion.* Ex. one night stand. 4. Empty Love: *only commitment.* Ex. long-term marriage. 5. Fatuous Love: *passion & commitment.* Ex. summer fling. 6. Romantic Love: *Intimacy & passion.* Ex. start of dating. 7. Companionate Love: *intimacy & commitment.* Ex. close best friend. 8. Consummate Love: *all components.* Truest of all loves, difficult to achieve and maintain.

Chemistry of Love

Neurotransmitters: • Norepinephrine: fight.flight. • Dopamine: euphoria, arousal. • Phenylethylamine (PEA): euphoria, giddiness, elation (in chocolate). • Oxytocin: bonding. • Endorphins: reduces pain, euphoria, get from love & exercise. • Physically debilitating *withdrawal symptoms* of break-ups: due to loss of neurotransmitters & the high associated with them.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love: Components

Three components: 1. *Passion:* motivational component, fuels physical attraction, romantic feelings & desire to be sexual are short lived. 2. *Intimacy:* emotional component, sense of bonding/connecting w/ a person due to opening up about thoughts & feelings. 3. *Decision to Commit:* cognitive component conscious decision to maintain relationship despite difficulties long term.

Love Theory: Attachment Theory

• *Attachment:* Intense emotional tie between two individuals. • *Attachment Styles (Ainsworth, 1978):* strange situation experiment. • Secure attachment: sad mom left but was ok with stranger, excited when mom came back. • Anxious-ambivalent attachment: upset/crying/nonchalant when mom left, angry when she came back. • Avoidant attachment: mom leaves & they don't care, mom comes back & they still don't care.

Coping with Break-ups

• *Limiting* time spent in obsessive review; stop thinking about it & move on. • *Understanding* emotional and social loneliness will pass; it just takes time. • *Viewing* break ups as process and opportunity for learning; small bouts of depression can actually be healthy in order to rethink.

Adult Attachment

• Adult attachments influenced by our attachment to caregiver in infancy. • Strength of infant-caregiver attachment bonds relate to romantic relationship styles. • Attachment styles in adulthood: - Attachment style affects interaction in relationship. - Paired couples often are similar in their attachment styles.

Falling in Love: Physical Attractiveness

• Belief of stereotype: "what's beautiful is good." We attribute desirable characteristics to good looking people. • May be an indicator of physical health. We look for good genes (symmetry, waist to hip ratio, good hair & skin). • Offer status by association: getting benefits from being with a good looking person. • Most important in early stages. • Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness, rating appearance as #1 because arousal is based on visual cues (beauty & youth).

Lee's Many Colors of Love: Primary Colors

• Different love styles portrayed as different colors. • Primary colors: - *Eros:* romantic. - *Ludus:* game-playing, getting max. amount of mates, no commitment, fun & casual. - *Storge:* compassionate/affectionate, slow to develop, affection & commit last a long time.

Love Develops When:

• Find new interests. • Share pleasurable activities. • Maintain best friend status; important because passionate love doesn't last forever. • Make time for fun together; doing high energy activities recreates chemical feelings of the love high.

Lee's Many Colors of Love: Secondary Colors

• Mutual love results from two matching styles. • *Pragma* = Ludus + Storge. People who choose mates based on practicality, leads to mutual satisfaction. • *Mania* = Eros + Ludus. Possessive, leads to jealousy, turmoil; roller coaster relationship. • *Agape* = Eros + Storge. Altruistic, least common, selflessness & caring for another person, patient & never jealous, never expecting anything back. • Relationship success = compatibility in styles.

Falling in Love: Similarity

• Similarity is important: opposites don't attract. - Attitudes and interests: less fighting, enjoy spending time together. - Level of physical attractiveness: same levels of attractiveness attract. - Age, educational status, and religion: depends on how/where/with who you're raised. - Race and ethnicity. - Similarities = better communication. • Confirm own views and experiences. • Supportive of values and beliefs.