chapter six marriage and Family

Manipulators may:

Ask others to do something that they could do. Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose. Be consistently late. Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

Attachment

emotional bond that binds a child to the parent, begins in infancy and influences personality

Maintenance costs

emotional costs and time costs in finding right person

Eros: (Romantic Love)

erotic lovers are passionate and romantic and seek out passionately expressive lovers

rapport

establish rapport, usually with someone like us

Breakup risk

includes determining the overall benefits with the partner

Romantic love

intimacy and passion with sexual attraction and arousal

Liking

intimacy is the sole element in this type, no passion or commitment

Mania: (Manic Love)

jealous lovers, everything is in chaotic, highs are high and lows are low relationships are like a roller coaster ride

Altruistic love

love parents give their child, promotes the well being of one with no expectation of reciprocity Intrinsic rewards - joy, satisfaction, contentment, pleasure, gratification

Twelve Features of love (Fehrs)

Trust care 'honesty friendship respect desire to promote well being of others loyalty commitment accepting the other without changing the other support a desire to be in the others company consideration and interest in the other

Secure

Trust that the relationship will provide necessary and ongoing support

Infatuated love

consists of passion only, idealized love, relationships begin and end quickly

Storge: (Companionate Love)

(Companionate Love) love that is based on friendship or affection between friends, love grows over time. Best friends lovers.

Breakup costs

- emotional costs, financial costs and the search cost to find someone else

Personality need fulfillment -

- established pattern of exchange and support

History of Love and Romance

Ancient History Examples of love and romance Adam and Eve Gilgamesh - 2000 BCE King Solomon - 970 BCE Account of love and romance between bride and groom Greeks - 450 BCE Love was bittersweet emotion

Love Economic Model

Based on the assumption that people are rational decision makers and as a result compare the costs and benefits of falling in love and being in love. Sex and commitment are the only differences between friendship and love.

Middle Ages and Renaissance True era of romance, courtship 16th century love viewed as physical union

Coming to America Puritans were romantic lovers Expected sex within marriage

Insecure/anxious -

Concern that the beloved will disappear, a "fear of abandonment".

Companionate Love

Deep, mature, affectionate attachment bonds Less dominated by lust Develops over time Partners accept all of the failing, faults, shortcomings, etc Liking - necessary ingredient

Lee's Six Love Styles

Eros Ludus Storge Mania Pragma Agape

3 Greek Styles of Love

Eros: Agape: Philos:

Avoidant

Evades relationships or establishes distance in intimate situations.

Intimacy - develops more slowly

Feelings of closeness Connectedness Bondedness Self-disclosure Respect Trust Builds slowly over time

Collectivist Cultures

Goals of whole society are given priority over individual goals Members strive to be equal Behavior is driven by sense of obligation and duty Latinos value interdependent relationships Asians emphasize importance of collective whole

Individualist Cultures

Individual goals are promoted over group goals People define their identity by personal attributes Wealth Social status Education level Promote the idea of autonomy and individuation

vReciprocity and Love

Interdependent love Attachment

Three components of love:

Intimacy - close, connected feelings. Passion - drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. Commitment -the decision to love someone and to maintain that love

Love maps

John Money Present an ideal image of love Shaped by experiences in infancy and childhood Shaped by the attitudes of love and sexuality of our parents

What Is Love?

Love is a deep and vital emotion. Love satisfies legitimate personal needs. Love involves caring and acceptance.

Commitment - develops gradually

Loving another person and making a conscious decision to maintain that love over time A deliberate choice Being loyal to another individual

Gender Differences in Love Relationships

Males and Females Are there real differences? Males tend to be more "task-oriented" while.... Females tend to be more "relationship oriented" What does the research tell us? - - -

Love Isn't Martyring

Martyrs may: Be reluctant to suggest what they want. Allow others to be constantly late and never protest. Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own. Be sensitive to others' feelings and hide their own.

Sternberg's Eight Love Types

Non-love Empty love Liking Infatuated love Companionate love Fatuous love Romantic love Consummate love

Passion - is quickest to develop and quickest to fade

Physical attraction Romantic feelings Most intense and immediate component Sexual consummation

Materialistic needs -

Required for survival and happiness, Food shelter and clothing

Costs of Love

Search cost vRejection costs Maintenance costs vBreakup risk Breakup costs

Three Basic Styles of Attachment

Secure Insecure/anxious Avoidant

Emotional needs

Self esteem, social needs, spiritual needs

Entertainment needs

Social aspects of day-to-day living

Back in Europe

Victorian Era (1837-1901) Attitudes towards sexuality were stuffy Ideal of love promoted couple togetherness

vSearch cost

ability to attract potential partners

Non-love

absence of intimacy, commitment and passion

Consummate love

combines all three elements of love-intimacy, commitment and passion

Companionate love

combines intimacy and commitment, intimacy builds

Fatuous love

combines passion and commitment, relationship lacks intimacy

Sternberg's Triangle Theory of Love

passion ...intimaCY....COMMITMENT

Ludus: (Gameplaying Love)

playful, carefree and casual lovers who do not care as much about commitment as they do about "playing the game of love".

Pragma: (Pragmatic Love)

pragmatic, weigh the costs and benefits of the relationship. Shopping list lovers.

Rejection costs

rejection sensitivity, immunity to rejections and emotional costs of rejections

mutual dependency

relationship deepens, and couple relies on one another

self-revelation

self-disclosure about goals and dreams

Agape - (Altruistic Love

selfless, enduring, other-centered love, provides intrinsic satisfaction without reciprocity. Unconditional love

vRomantic Love

v20th century saw social change Emancipation of women Romantic attraction became accepted

Empty love

void of passion and intimacy, commitment is the only element

Interdependent love

vv love is a give and take process, requires give and take and changes over time