CLP 1006 Chapter 11

What is friendship?

"A voluntary, personal relationship, typically providing intimacy and assistance, in which two parties like one another and seek out each other's company." --- Beverly Fehr

Tips for Conversation Expressions

*-Keep your message interesting*: avoid talking about minor details *-Show your sense of humor*: puts someone at ease *-Show an interest in the other person* *-Avoid monopolizing the conversation*: avoid interrupting the other person *-Stay focused on the topic at hand*: don't ramble *-Offer sincere compliments when appropriate*: everyone loves positive feedback *-Refrain from engaging in annoying mannerisms*: don't fidget or use annoying expressions *-Engage in open, confident, non-verbal behaviors*: face the person squarely, lean forward, stand upright, maintain good eye contact, keep your arms open and don't fidget *-Talk fairly rapidly, but not too rapidly* *-Avoid controversy*

Universal Rules of Friendship

*Martin Bolt* 1. Volunteer help in a time of need 2. Respect the friend's privacy 3. Keep confidences 4. Trust and confide in each other 5. Stand up for the person in their absence 6. Don't criticize each other in public 7. Show emotional support 8. Strive to make him/her happy while in each other's company 9. Don't be jealous or critical of a friend's other relationships 10. Be tolerant of each other's friends 11. Share news of success with the other 12. Don't nag 13. Seek to repay debts and favors and compliments

Issues in Communication Between Men and Women

*Status vs. Support*: for men, conversation is often about getting and maintaining the upper hand and preventing others from pushing them around. For women, talking is frequently a way to exchange confirmation and support. *Independence vs. Intimacy*- Because women think in terms of being close and giving and receiving support, very often, their goal is to achieve and preserve intimacy. In contrast, men, given their concern with status, instead value being perceive as independent. *Advice vs. Understanding*- men give advice, while women give emotional support/understanding *Information vs. Feelings*- women talk about their feelings, whereas men just impart information/knowledge *Orders vs. Proposals* *Conflict vs. Compromise*

Altruism

- The willingness to act in another's interest even if there is no apparent reward or benefit for doing so - The truly altruistic person is motivated by the prospect of improving someone else's situation

How to Keep Love Alive According to Epstein, 2010

-Arousal -Proximity -Similarity -Humor -Novelty -Vulnerability -Self-Disclosure -Kindness, Accommodation and Forgiveness -Touch and Sexuality -Commitment

Benefits of Secure Attachments in *Adulthood*

-Less likely to divorce -Higher levels of compromise -Lower rates of domestic violence and abuse -Better able to handle stress -More supportive of each other in joint problem -solving tasks -More likely to use safe sex practices

Benefits of Secure Attachments

-More friends, being popular -Less likely to be bullies or victims -More socially skilled -Adapt better to school -More assertive with parents -Greater chance of good relationships -Become more appealing to others

Gottman's Factors Associated with Long-Term Loving Relationships

-Positive memories of the relationship's beginning -Similar levels of emotional expression -Early constructive confrontation of complaints -and differences -To be happy, need a ratio in interactions of 5 positive to 1 negative -Friendship with one's spouse

Patterns of Attachment

-Secure attachment- usually as a result of *warm/responsive parenting -Anxious attachment- usually as a result of *ambivalent/inconsistent parenting* -Avoidant attachment- usually as a result of *cold/rejecting parenting*

Steps to Overcoming Shyness

-Understand your shyness -Utilize cognitive restructuring -Learn to like yourself -Find and enhance your signature strengths and -virtues -Embrace your differences -Remember to remember to breathe -Release stress by practicing regular physical exercise -Use visualization -Practice thinking optimistically -Practice social skills -Focus on other people instead of on yourself -Practice being in uncomfortable situations -Know what settings bring out the best in you and begin there -Focus on the present moment -Do not leave an uncomfortable situation -Give up being perfect -Accept rejection -Record your successes

Having high quality friends and social support...

... (b.) is associated with physical and emotional health

A highly recommended way to relive the chemical high in long-term relationships is to...

... do new and exciting things.

When we first fall in love, we experience elevated levels of brain chemicals such as...

....dopamine and norepinephrine.

A Losada ration of 5:1 positive to negative interactions in a marriage predicts...

...a healthy and lasting relationship.

Consummate love involves all three vital ingredients of...

...intimacy, passion and commitment.

Altruism...

...serves an evolutionary purpose.

Fatuous love involves....

...sudden passion and a rush to commitment.

Cohabitation prior to marriage has...

..has become the norm.

Communication Response Styles (when your significant other approaches you with good news):

1. Active & Constructive- acknowledging what the speaker has said, asking questions, offering praise, excitement and optimistic expectations 2. Passive and Constructive- an unemotional reaction, polite but subdued reaction 3. Passive & Destructive; shrugs it off or changes the subject 4. Active & Destructive- Immediately pointing out all of the potential pitfalls about what the speaker has told you, complaining about the effects of the news on you, expressions of pessimism or negative emotions about the news, failure to express congratulations or offer an enthusiasm

Factors Affecting Attachment (Three Cs)

1. Closeness 2. Care 3. Commitment

Elements in High-Quality Relationships

1. Companionship 2. Sexual Expression 3. Supportive, open, and honest communication

Three Primary Aspects of Shyness

1. Excessive Self-Consciousness- being overly aware of yourself in social situations, which leads to social anxiety 2. Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation-having low self-esteem, viewing yourself in a negative light 3. Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation- paying too much attention to all of the things you imagine you are doing wrong around other people

Three main ingredients of love according to Sternberg

1. Intimacy 2. Passion 3. Commitment

Evidence to support the assertion that there is a connection between social support and health

1. Leukemia patients with strong social support had nearly 3 times the two-year survival rate of patients who were isolated 2. Heart attack recurrence was nearly doubled within six months after an initial attack among people living alone 3. Studies show reduction in stress hormones, lowered blood pressure, and improvement in cardiovascular functioning among patients with social support

Sternberg's Eight Types of Love

1. Non-Love - no intimacy, passion or commitment 2. Liking- only intimacy 3. Infatuated Love- both strong emotional and sexual attraction (only passion) 4. Empty Love- devoid of emotional involvement and physical attraction (only commitment) 5. Romantic Love- physically and emotionally bonded (intimacy and passion) 6. Companionate Love- intimacy and commitment 7. Fatuous Love- instant attraction, passion and short lived commitment (passion and commitment) 8. Consummate Love- passionate, intimate, and committed relationship (intimacy, passion and commitment)

Four distinct styles in which adults approach their intimate relationships

1. Secure- are comfortable with getting close to others are not overly concerned about either being abandoned or becoming too dependent 2. Avoidant- find ways to keep emotional distance in their relationships with significant others 3. Anxious- become obsessive when in love, expect to be rejected. Are often jealous, overly possessive, demand constant reassurance and reciprocity 3. Disorganized- manifest chaotic, insensitive, explosive and even abusive behaviors

Types of Caregivers

1. Warm / Responsive- Warm, loving, knows when to be supportive and when to back off, can be counted on to be there, reliable, trustworthy 2. Cold / Rejecting- Cold, distant, rejecting, not very responsive, very self-centered, child not a very high priority-often gives off message that child is a burden or a bother 3. Ambivalent / Inconsistent- Warm one minute and cold the next, loving and rejecting, unpredictable, has own agenda, does not always put child's needs first, loves child but does not always show it in the best possible way

Levinger's Stages of Relationships

A. Attraction B. Building C. Continuation D. Decline E. End

Intimacy

Includes those feelings and behaviors that promote a sense of closeness

How do patterns of attachment in childhood become patterns of intimacy in adults?

Patterns in adult love relationships tend to mirror the ones in early infant attachments

Is there a relationship between altruism and well-being?

Yes, when you are altruistic, you are more likely to have a better well being. You are often healthier and happier when you volunteer.

_________ provide as much opportunity for intimacy as do romantic relationships.

a. Friendships

The best way to reply to your significant other when they tell you something positive has happened to them is to use ______ and ___________ responding.

a. active; constructive

______________ adults manifest chaotic, insensitive, and even abusive behaviors in relationships.

a. disorganized

Men's communication primarily reflects _______________.

a. maintaining their status

Which of the following is essential to making and keeping relationships?

a. making deposits in the emotional bank accounts

One of the primary factors triggering the release of the biochemicals of infatuation is ___________.

a. novelty

Which of the following would be in contradiction the the "universal rules of friendship"? a. put your own desires first b. keep confidences c. show emotional support d. volunteer help in a time of need

a. put our own desires first

________________ begins at birth, represents the emotional linkage between an infant and its caregivers, and allows for bonding to take place over time.

b. Attachment

____________ love involves only passion.

b. Infatuated

Of all the negative attitudes displayed in marriage, ______________ is the most toxic and predictive of divorce.

b. contempt

According to Gottman, the four dangerous attitudes to avoid in intimate relationships are ___________, __________, __________ and ____________.

b. criticism; contempt; defensiveness; stonewalling

___________________ attachment can result from being raised by abusive, highly dysfunctional parents.

b. disorganized

Really good conversationalists know how to ______________.

b. establish rapport

Which of the following is recommended for overcoming shyness? a. avoid uncomfortable social situations b. remember to breathe c. focus on the past d. accept and take to heart all criticism without examining whether it has any validity

b. remember to breathe

Which of the following recent developments is interfering with the quality of relationships?

b. technoference leading to absent presense

Are couple who cohabitate prior to marriage more likely to divorce later on?

c. It is unclear from the data

Which of the following is recommended for excelling at the art of conversation?

c. Show a sincere interest in the other person and what they have to say

Philo refers to _______________.

c. brotherly love

Men favor _____________ talk, while women favor ___________ talk.

c. report; rapport

When couples choose to live together prior to marriage, this is referred to as ________________.

cohabitation

_________________ refers to an altruistic love given without any expectation of return.

d. agape

Young children who have experienced inconsistent and ambivalent parenting display _____________ attachment.

d. anxious

Children raised by cold, rejecting parents caregivers typically display ______________ attachment.

d. avoidant

Intimacy and commitment without passion leads to _______________.

d. companionate love

The conflicting dialects used by men and women are called ________________.

d. genderlects

Women's communication primarily reflects ______________.

d. increasing intimacy