COM 101 Exam 3
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement
A strategy we use to increase others' linking of us.
Factor Leading to Both Short-Term Initial Attraction and Long-Term Maintenance Attraction: Similarity
Comparable personalities, values, upbringing, personal experiences, attitudes, and interests.
Interpersonal Relationship Attraction: Short-Term Initial Attraction
Degree to which you sense a potential for developing a relationship.
Model of family interaction: Communication
Determines how cohesive and adaptable families are. Keeps the family operating as a system. Through communication, families can adapt to change (or not) and maintain either enmeshed or disengaged relationships or something in between.
Natural or Nuclear Family Extended Family Family of Origin Blended Family Single-Parent Family
Family Types
Family Types: Extended Family
Includes additional relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents - as part of the family unit. Some also include individuals who are not related by marriage or kinship but are treated like family.
Factor Leading to Both Short-Term Initial Attraction and Long-Term Maintenance Attraction: Competence, Intelligence, and Credibility
Personal qualities that, in and of themselves, evoke attraction.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Commonalities
Point out similarities between yourself and the other person; try to establish equality (balanced power); present yourself as comfortable and at ease around the other person. EX: • "I've got that computer game, too. Don't you love the robots?" • "Let's work on the project together. We're a great team." • "It's so easy to talk to you. I really feel comfortable around you.
Interpersonal Relationship Attraction: Predicted Outcome Value (POV)
Potential for a relationship to confirm your self-image compared to its potential costs.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Mutual Trust
Present yourself as honest and reliable; display trustworthy behaviors; self-disclosure to show that you trust the other person. EX: • "That guy you're having problems with called me and asked about you. I told him I didn't have anything to say." • "I've never told anyone this, but I've always hoped I would find my birth parents."
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Control
Present yourself as in control, independent, freethinking; show that you have the ability to reward the other person. EX: • "I'm planning on going to grad school, and after that I'm going to Japan to teach English." • "You can borrow my notes for the class you missed if you'd like."
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Other-Involvement
Put a positive spin on activities you share; draw the other person into your activities; display nonverbal immediacy and involvement with the other person. EX: • "This is a great party. I'm glad you came." • "A group of us are going to get a midnight snack; how about coming along?"
Model of family interaction: Cohesion
Refers to the emotional bonding and feelings of togetherness that family's experience. Ranges from excessively tight, or enmeshed, or disengaged. 1. Because family systems are dynamic, families usually move back and forth along the continuum from disengaged to enmeshed.
Forgiveness Response Model
See Notes/Review for Image a. Conciliatory Response: i. Combination of a positive pre-transgression relationship + a mild transgression = Forgive easily b. Conditional Response: i. Combination of a positive pre-transgression relationship + a severe transgression = Not happy with what happened. It cannot happen again. If it does then I'm done. c. Minimizing Response: i. Combination of a mixed or negative pre-transgression relationship + a mild transgression = Shrink it down. Pass it off like, "what can I do to change it? Nothing." d. Retaliatory Response: i. Combination of mixed or negative pre-transgression relationship + a severe transgression = Retaliate. I am done. Or get back at them justifiably.
Three Theories
Social Exchange Theory Relational Dialects Theory Social Penetration Theory
Friendships at Different Stages: Adult friendships
Those we have from the thirties through the sixties - in essence, those relationships during the prime of our work and family lives. i. Some young adult friendships continue as adult friendships, with friends experiencing similar life courses that act as a foundation for mutual empathy and support. 1. Adult friendships are among our most valued relationship, providing emotional support, partners for activities, and socializing opportunities. 2. Friendships emerge with coworkers, neighbors, relatives, or members of organizations we become involved in. 3. The numbers of friends married people have declines over the course of their lives. On the other hand, romantic relationships and marriage introduce partners to each other's social networks, thus affording additional opportunities for new friends. a. Marriage can also lead to developing friendships with brothers- or sisters-in-law or other family members.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Self-Involvement
Try to arrange for encounters and interactions; engage in behaviors that encourage the other person to form a closer relationship. EX: • "Oh hi! I knew your class ended at two, so I thought I'd try to catch you." • "It would really be fun to go camping together this summer; I have this favorite place."
Dating
a. Calling an interaction "a date" changes expectations, roles, and the relationship. When you label an interaction with someone as a date, you are usually signaling and openness to a romantic relationship with the other person. i. "Dating" tends to be the term for any ongoing romantic relationship that precedes "being engaged." b. To actually ask someone for a date probably requires feeling that the risk is worth the potential loss of face, that the predicted outcome value of the relationship is high, and that you see a good chance that your request will actually be accepted. c. College students "hook up" more than they date. They have replaced dating with hooking up. i. Can range from kissing to sexual intercourse. 1. Although it happens infrequently, hookups can lead to romantic relationships, particularly if the hookup produced a positive emotional experience for both partners, there was some small talk and talk of future interactions, and both had similar motivations. d. Both college students and other single adults see dates as activity-focused events involving couples sharing information to reduce uncertainty. i. College students see it as more social, more public, and more about attraction. ii. Single adults see dates as being more about both immediate enjoyment and a future relationship, initiated by one person, and involving someone's paying for whatever activity is involved. e. Moving from being friends to going on a date involves different issues and concerns than asking an acquaintance for a date. Students in one study were asked to imagine asking for a date with a classmate who might not even know their name. i. They reported they would feel anxiety, fear, and discomfort, but also excitement, a sense of pride in taking a risk, and a positive feeling for finally making the attempt. ii. They hoped the other person would feel flattered and maybe good or great, but also saw the possibility for uncertainty, surprise, awkwardness (maybe even creepiness), or discomfort. iii. Among the general concerns students expressed concerns about their own physical attractiveness, as well as about appearing too pushy, too desperate, a "psycho", a fool or stupid, or a loser. f. To actually ask someone for a date probably requires feeling that the risk is worth the potential loss of face, that the predicted outcome value of the relationship is high, and that you see a good change that your request will actually be accepted. g. People bring to dates expectations about how the date will proceed. How a date proceeds depends on your relationship with the other person prior to the date, the event that is the focus of the date (a concert, a movie, a party), the cost of the date, and who initiated the date. i. One study found that respondents shared many of the same expectations for a first date. 1. These expectations, reflecting traditional gender roles, included men picking up the women and taking them home, as well as paying for the date, even if the women initiated the date. 2. Men were more likely to expect more than kissing, especially if the women initiated the date. 3. Besides the expectation that the couple will engage in the agreed-on activity (going to a movie, for coffee, to a party), a significant expectation is the dating partners will talk. a. Talk is an important component of a date because both partners understand the need to being self-disclosing and gaining information about each other to reduce uncertainty. 4. As the date winds town, both have an expectation that there will be some discussion of future plan to call or text each other, an expression of interest in getting together again, and perhaps some discussion of another date, either specifically or generally. a. Neither partner wants to be put in a position of having to directly reject the other, so in order for each person to save face, plans for the future are usually rather vague. h. The indirect manner, in which we often choose to communicate, particularly when dating, causes misperceptions and awkwardness. i. EX: when asked why you don't ask someone out, you are likely to indicate a fear of rejection. However, you likely to assume the reason the other person doesn't ask you out is because he or she lacks sufficient interest in you. 1. Sadly, the other person might be just as interested in a date but also fear rejection. i. Another problem is that when women confirm their attraction and affection toward their dates with smiles and other positive nonverbal affiliative cues, men may read those behaviors as cues of sexual interest. i. Both reflect difficulties in reading another person's nonverbal cues and the need to practice the suggestions discussed in chapter 7 for improving your nonverbal sensitivity. j. Although there is an inherent taboo about directly discussing attraction and the relationship during the early part of dating, directly but tactful expression of interest, expectations, and goals by both parties contributes to clarity and understanding.
Stages of a Relationship
a. Relational escalation is the movement of a relationship toward greater intimacy. Usually goes through a series of discernible stages: Preinteraction Awareness Acquaintance Exploration Intensification Intimacy
Stonewalling
i. Delay or block (a request, process, or person) by refusing to answer questions or by giving evasive replies, especially in politics. 1. Avoiding the situation by not fully answering the partner's questions about the quality or standing of the relationship. 2. Delay answers to questions and deferring to other topics to avoid answering the questions.
Deception by Commission
i. Deliberately presenting false information in such forms as white lies, exaggeration, or baldfaced lies. ii. Lying iii. Deliberating presentation of false information.
Cognitive Jealousy
i. Thoughts about the loss of a partner, reflections on decreases in the partner's time for the other, and analyses of behaviors or occurrences deemed suspicious.
Ending a Relationship
i. Bilateral Dissolution: Ending of a relationship by mutual agreement of both parties. ii. Unilateral Dissolution: Ending of a relationship by one partner, even though the other partner wants it to continue. iii. Fading Away: Ending a relationship by slowing drifting apart. iv. Sudden Death: Abrupt and unplanned ending of a relationship.
Helen Fisher TED Talk on Love Video
i. College students were asked: 1. Have you been rejected by someone you truly loved? 2. Have you dumped someone who truly loved you? a. 95% said yes to both ii. Romantic love is one of the most powerful 1. Obsession, lose self, cant get over the person a. Increases with rejection (more active) 2. Measuring gains and loses 3. Deep attachment, intense energy, risk it all 4. Basic matting drive, conserve it, start with single individual 5. Addiction (good and bad) iii. Males 1. Side-by-side interaction iv. Females 1. Face-to-face interaction v. Animals have been found to have some romantic love as humans do. vi. Fissure's opinion/thought 1. Pull towards one person is biological a. We just don't know how yet.
Grave Dressing
i. Final phase in relationship termination, when the partners generate public explanations and move past the relationship. ii. One or both partners may attempt to "place flowers on the grave" of their relationship to cover up the hurt and pain associated with its death. 1. They need a public story that they can share with others about what happened: "We still love each other; we just decided we needed more in our lives." a. Such a story often places blame on the other partner: "I knew he had his faults, but he thought he could change, and he just wasn't able to." 2. Most importantly, we go through an internal stage in which we try to accept the end of the relationship and let go of feelings of guilt, failure, and blame.
Angry Customer Video
i. Six ways to get angry customers off your back 1. Apologize a. Makes customer feel heard b. Done regardless of fault 2. Kill them softly with diplomacy a. Address anger without being dragged into drama b. Nondefensive manner 3. Computer mode a. Don't take the bait! b. No emotional reaction c. Allows for you to regain control and confidence d. Neutral and unexpected and throws the customer off 4. Have I done something personally? a. Makes them listen and rationalize the situation b. It is not your direct fault c. Makes them stop and think for a minute 5. Empathy a. Shows you generally care b. Helps you see their perspective c. Builds a bridge of reproes 6. Show appreciation a. Interjecting, not interrupting, to thank them for giving you feedback b. Shock factor c. Stuns them silent d. Allows for you to steer the conversation where you wan t it to go e. Gain control again
Social Penetration Theory
i. Theory of relational development that posits that increases in intimacy are connected to increases in self-disclosure. ii. Two basic elements: depth of topic and what topics are (breath). Start with low disclosure, build up to high disclosure. Can drop again to low disclosure because of trouble/difficulty/privacy issues/etc. (Goes in increments/stop and start/personal to unpersonal). Wave-like, reciprocal, and involves risks. Can cause relationships to never start. 1. EX: Family topic how in depth did you go. Movement toward intimacy is connected to the breadth and depth of self-disclosure. Application: Your causal relationship with a roommate centers primarily on rent, shared bills, and housecleaning. One night your roommate shares the news that his parents are getting a divorce. You listen empathically as he shares his thoughts and feelings, sharing similar information when appropriate. From that point on, your relationship becomes closer and more intimate.
Social Exchange Theory
i. Theory that claims people makes relationship decisions by assessing and comparing the costs and rewards. ii. In class: based on two variables: cost and rewards. 1. There are cots and rewards. Costs too great = reevaluate. a. Look for rewards (fun, money, security, respect, etc. [consider it as something we gain]). b. Expected rewards/costs = something they want (meet someone, looking into the future). c. Intimate rewards/costs = what you can get out of it right now (put up with roommate being touchy during finals week [understandable]). People seek the greatest amount of reward with the least amount of cost. Application: You break up a long-distance relationship because the expense (driving time, cell phone bills) seems greater than what is gained from the relationship (fun, support).
Relational Dialects Theory
i. Theory that relational development occurs in conjunction with various tensions that exist in all relationships, particularly connectedness versus autonomy, predictability versus novelty, and openness versus closedness. ii. In class: "push or pull." Managements of tensions that pull us in different directions each time 1. Conflict is based on tension in relationship, not necessarily what you are arguing about a. EX: wife upset with husband for traveling. Underling is she needs someone all the time where he likes his independence. They have a desire to connect and be independent. (Most frequent). i. Autonomous (independence) vs. connectiveness ii. Certainty vs. uncertainty (want to know everything/planning/spontaneous) People must manage the tensions that result from opposing forces pulling toward intimacy and independence. Application: The time you spend with your new romantic partner is taking away time from your other friends. You must decide how to deal with your desire to be in the romantic relationship and still maintain your friendship.
Negotiation Recording Video
i. Women don't ask for enough money. ii. A study shows that women can be great negotiators, just not when they're asking for themselves. When women negotiate pay on behalf of a friend, they bargain just as hard as they guys. 1. When women are tough negotiators, they appear to be rude and too pushy, but when asking for a friend, they negotiate just as hard as men. iii. Problem-solving 1. Pushing carefully a. Asking for what they want but in a casual or sensitive way so that they are heard but not seen as too aggressive. i. EX: "How does that sound?" or "Is that possible?"
How Relationships End
• Fading away: The relationship dissolves slowly as intimacy declines. • Sudden death: The relationship ends abruptly, usually in response to some precipitating event. • Incrementalism: The relationship progresses systematically through each of the de-escalation stages.
Direct Termination Strategies
• Negative identity management: Directly stating a desire to end the relationship, without concern for the other person's feelings. • Justification: Directly stating a desire to end the relationship, with an explanation of the reasons. • De-escalation: Directly stating a desire to lower the level of intimacy or move toward termination. • Positive tone: Directly stating a desire to end the relationship, while affirming the other person's value.
Indirect Termination Strategies
• Withdrawal: Reducing the amount of contact, without any explanation. • Pseudo-de-escalation: Claiming a desire for less intimacy, when you really want out. • Cost escalation: Increasing relational costs to encourage the other to end the relationship.
Denial and Conflict Resolution Video
1. Conflict exists when one person has a need of another and that need is not being met. a. Step 1: Express what you need b. Step 2: Find out it the need can or cannot be met i. No = negotiate or management of conflict ii. Yes = resolution iii. Must go to: (automatic jump/no negotiation, etc.) Unmet need → Management of conflict Step 1 aXnd 2 iv. If the conflict becomes too much/ too hard 1. Get a mediator involved v. If you don't express/get need met 1. Backstabbing, get sick, silent treatment, burry head in sand, etc.
Friendships at Different Stages: Late adulthood friendships
Although people make new friends during their late adulthood, they value their long-established friendships the most. During retirement, when people have more time for socializing,, friendships become increasingly important, but older adults are less likely to form new friendships. i. They tend to maintain a small, highly valued network of friends. Some friendships are rekindled as the elderly act on their longing to reconnect with close friends with whom they have lost contact. ii. Keep individuals socially integrated as they reminisce, sharing stories, or engage in activities; in addition, their shared experiences add to their ability to be caring and supportive. iii. Often provide richer interactions than older adults experience with their own family members, though family relationships remain an important part of their lives.
Friendships at Different Stages: Childhood friendships
At about age two, we begin to parallel paly with others. As toddlers, we perceive our playmates as people who can help meet our needs. Our first friendships are usually superficial and self-centered. Childhood friendships can be categorized into five sometimes-overlapping stages. i. Age three to seven, we have momentary playmates - we interact with those in our presence. ii. Age four to nine, our friendships involve one-way assistance. We still view friendships from a "take" perspective, as instruments to help meet our needs, rather than from a "give" or "give-and-take" perspective. iii. Age six to twelve, is the fair-weather friend stage. There is more give and take in friendships, but the reciprocity occurs when things are going well; the relationship is likely to end if problems and conflicts develop. iv. Age nine to fifteen, is called mutual intimacy. With the closeness that develops, relationships become more possessive. v. Age twelve and continuing through adulthood, allows for more independence in friendships, as well as deepening interdependence with friends that permits greater level of intimacy and sharing.
Stages of a Relationship: Preinteraction Awareness
At this stage, you might observe someone or even talk with others about him or her without having any direct interaction. Gaining information about others without directly interacting with them is a passive strategy. Through passive observation, form an initial impression. Might not move beyond the preinteraction awareness stage if the impression is not favorable or the circumstances aren't right. One might signal his or her openness to being approached by the other; but these cues, such as smiling or eye contact, can be misread. Such misreading might result in failure at the next stage. You don't know the person. You are aware they exist, but never had a conversation with each other. 1. Can be four years or 10 seconds until you are introduced to them.
Stages of a Relationship: Exploration
Begin to share more in-depth information about yourselves. You will have little physical contact, maintain your social distance, and limit the amount of time you spend together. This stage can occur in conjunction with the acquaintance stage. Communication becomes easier, and a large amount of low-risk disclosure occurs. Entails the kind of conversation that might occur when you go out to get a bite to eat with a coworker whom you know only casually. If your conversation includes sharing more personal information about yourselves, such as your interests and hobbies, where you grew up, and what your families were like, or similar personal information, then you are in the exploration stage. Begin moving in-depth information sharing. Communication becomes easier. Know things about each other. Physical contact very limited, time together limited. 1. Sharing more but contact is limited.
Friendships at Different Stages: Adolescent friendships
Beginning with the onset of puberty at around age twelve, we move away from relationships with parents and other adults and toward greater intimacy with our peers. i. Peer relationships significantly influence our identity and social skills. We explore values, negotiate new relationships with family members, discover romantic and sexual opportunities, become more other-oriented, and seek increased intimacy. ii. Consider spending time with friends their most enjoyable activity; and they view friends as more committed, loyal, accepting, tolerant, and supportive than younger children do. iii. Place more value on personality (character, trustworthiness, similarity) and interpersonal qualities (companionship, acceptance, intimacy) in both same-sex and cross-sex friendships. iv. Develop cliques of friends and form friendship networks. 1. Boys are more likely to join groups - either socially acceptable groups such as a sports or debate team or less socially desirable groups bent on violence and destruction of property. Seem to have more friends. 2. Girls are more likely to develop intimate relationships with one or two good friends. Develop closer, more intense, and more intimate relationships. a. The number of friendships usually peaks in late adolescence and early adulthood, before we select a mate.
Family Types: Natural or Nuclear Family
Consists of a mother, a father, and their biological children. Changes in culture, values, economics, and other factors have rendered this once more traditional family type no longer typical. Sometimes called an idealized natural family.
Family Types: Blended Family
Consists of two adults and one or more children who come together as a result of divorce, separation, death, or adoption. Increasingly common. The children are the offspring of other biological parents or of just one of the adults who are raising them. Represent a multitude of possible relationship combinations.
Stages of a Relationship: Acquaintance
Conversations stick to sage and superficial topics and you present a "public self" to the other person. There are two sub-stages in this stage. 1. In the introductions sub-stage, we tell each other our names and share basic demographic information - where we're from, what we do, and so on. The interaction typically is routine - partners usually spend the first four minutes asking each other various standard questions. 2. In the casual banter sub-stage, we talk about impersonal topics with little to no self-disclosure. You might engage only in introductions, or move from introductions to causal banter, or engage only in causal banter without even going through introductions. Subsequent interactions in the acquaintance stage involve continuing causal banter - discussing the weather, current events, daily news, or some common experience (what happened in class today, how the company picnic went, and the like). Many of our relationships never move beyond this stage. Introductions and causal banter. First four minutes in introduction then casual banter where you center on superficial stuff. Not always passed through here or don't move from here. 1. The weather, topics, non-personal information.
Deception by Commission: Exaggeration
Deception by commission involving "stretching the truth" or embellishing the facts. a. Telling someone you were at the library for a couple hours when it was only twenty minutes is an exaggeration, and a lie. i. Most of us have stories that we've told over and over that continue to become more embellished as we tell them
Deception by Commission: White Lie
Deception by commission involving only a slight degree of falsification that has a minimal consequence. a. Typically involve only a slight degree of falsification that has a minimal consequence. i. Calling them "white lies" makes us feel less guilty. 1. EX: Your listing on Facebook of bands as favorites when they are not would probably be considered a white lie.
Deception by Commission: Baldfaced Lie
Deception by commission involving outright falsification of information intended to deceive the listener. a. Have more impact on the behavior of those who hear them than white lies or exaggeration. b. The emotional impact of such deception is related to the importance of honesty to the people involved. i. The potential negative impacts explain why we are less likely to lie to our best friends than we are to strangers.
Interpersonal Relationship Attraction: Interpersonal Attraction
Degree to which you want to form or maintain an interpersonal relationship.
Family Types: Single-Parent Family
Family with one parent and at least one child. The fastest-growing type of family unit in the United States today. Divorce, unmarried parenthood, separation, desertion, and death can make a family this type of family. The different causes of single parenthood directly affect the nature of the parent-child relationships.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Politeness
Follow appropriate conversational rules; let the other person assume control of the interaction. EX: • "I'm sorry I interrupted. I thought you were done. Please go on." • "No, you're not boring me at all; it's very interesting. Please tell me more about it."
Interpersonal Relationship Attraction: Long-Term Maintenance Attraction
Level of liking or positive feeling motivating you to maintain or escalate a relationship.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Visibility
Look and dress attractively; present yourself as an interesting, energetic, and enthusiastic person; increase your visibility to the other person. EX: • "Wow, that was a great show about Chinese acrobats. I do gymnastics, too. Would you like to come watch me next week in our dual meet?"
Factors Leading to Short-Term Initial Attraction: Physical Appearance
Nonverbal cues that allow you to assess relationship potential (POV).
Factor Leading to Both Short-Term Initial Attraction and Long-Term Maintenance Attraction: Self-Disclosure and Reciprocation of Liking
Openness; attraction toward a person who seems attracted to you.
Family Types: Family of Origin
Overlaps the others, since it refers to the family in which you were raised, no matter what type it is. Where you learned the rules and skills of interpersonal communication and developed your basic assumptions about relationships. May have been reared in more than one family of origin because of divorce and remarriage.
Factors Leading to Short-Term Initial Attraction: Proximity
Physical nearness to someone that promotes communication and thus attraction.
Model of family interaction: Adaptability
Ranges from chaotic to rigid, is the family's ability to modify and respond to changes in its own power structure and roles. 1. For some families, tradition, stability, and historical perspective are important to a sense of comfort and well-being. Other families that are less tradition-bound are better able to adapt to new circumstances.
Affinity Seeking Strategies and other involvement: Concern and Caring
Show interest in and ask questions about the other person; listen; show support and be sensitive; help the other person accomplish something or feel good about himself or herself. EX: • "How is your mother doing after her operation?" • "I'd like to help out at the benefit you're chairing this weekend." • "That must have been really hard for you, growing up under those conditions."
Apologize Kill them softly with diplomacy Computer Mode Have I done something personally? Empathy Show Appreciation
Six ways to get an angry customer off your back
Stages of a Relationship: Intensification
Start to depend on each other for self-confirmation and engage in more risky self-disclosure. Spend more time together, increase the variety of activities shared, adopt a more personal physical distance, engage in more physical contact, and personalize your language. May discuss and redefine the relationship often in this stage, perhaps putting a turning-point label on yourselves, such as "going steady," "good buddies," or "best friends." Other turning points associated with this stage include decisions to date each other exclusively, to become roommates, or to spend time with each other's families. Start depending on one another for self-confirmation. Share more risky information. Trust them more. Label them. 1. Girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, etc.
Model of family interaction
The circumflex model of family interaction was developed to explain the dynamics of both effective function and dysfunction within family systems. The model's three basic dimensions are adaptability, cohesion, and communication.
Friendships at Different Stages: Young adult friendships
Those occurring in our late teens through our early thirties are linked to a succession of significant changes in out lifestyles and goals. i. The post-high school experience of young adults typically includes going to college, getting a job, pursuing more serious romantic relationships, getting married, and starting a family. ii. Those who opt out of college seek to sustain their high-school-based friendships while developing new friendships at their workplace. iii. College students, who maintain their best friendships from high school, wither because they commute or because they attend the same college as their high school friends, the likelihood of forming new best friends in college is reduced. Close high school friendships help new college students manage the stress and successfully adjust to college, but further adjustment requires the development of new friendships during the first year at college. iv. Those who move away to attend college, high school relationships often deescalate because of changing interests and the time and energy needed to maintain the friendships. The loss of these relationships, changes in family interactions, and the challenge of forming new relationship often results in feeling of loneliness; however, new friendships are usually developed that are regarded as even more satisfying than previous ones. v. Value friends who reciprocate their caring, trust, commitment, self-disclosure, helpfulness, and support, while also having strong character. vi. Friendships during this period of our lives help us learn and hone the skilled needed for successful romantic relationships, as well as providing confidants with whom to discuss romantic experiences.
Stages of a Relationship: Intimacy
Two partners turn to each other for confirmation and acceptance of their self-concepts. Their communication is highly personalized and synchronized. Talk about anything and everything. There is a free flow of information and intimate self-disclosure. A commitment to maintaining the relationship that might even be formalized through marriage or some other agreement. Partners incorporate more of their own language code (nicknames, inside jokes, and special words) and use fewer words to communicate, relying more on nonverbal cues. Their roles and the relationship are discussed and more clearly defined. Physical contact increases, and their physical distance during conversations decreases. Reaching this stage takes time -time to build trust, time to build a commitment and an emotional bond. Talk about anything and everything. Total acceptance. Language code (only the two of you know what you are saying). Important to have this commitment. Sometimes followed by marriage. 1. Laugh, cry, share embarrassing moments.
Developing a Relationship
a. Although researcher use different terms and different numbers of stages, all agree that relational development proceeds in discernible stages. The stage we are in affects our interpersonal communication, and our interpersonal communication is the tool we use to move ourselves from stage to stage. i. Turning points are specific events or interactions that are associated with positive or negative changes in a relationship. 1. A first meeting, first date, first road trip together, first sex, saying "I love you" for the first time, meeting a partner's family, making up after a conflict, becoming roommates, providing help in a crisis, or providing a favor or gift might all be turning points that indicate a relationship is moving forward. 2. May violate expectations, which might also increase our uncertainty. a. One way to clarify the violation and reduce uncertainty would be to discuss these turning points with our partner. b. One pair of researchers found that 55 percent of the time, turning points inspired a discussion about the nature of the relationship. Such discussion helps the partners reach mutual agreement about the definition of the relationship. 3. Divided into two types: a. Causal turning points are events that directly affect the relationship. Your relationships are filled with such turning points, moving you closer or further apart. i. EX: finding out that your friend has told you a significant lie might cause you to terminate the relationship. Because the event caused a change in the relationship, it is a causal turning point. b. Reflective turning points are signals that a change has occurred in the definition of the relationship. i. EX: receiving and accepting an invitation from a friend to visit his or her family for the first time. the invitation and acceptance don't cause a change, but reflect a change in how you and your friend perceive the relationship.
Quid Pro Quo
a. Implied or explicit promise of reward in exchange for sexual favors or threat of retaliation if sexual favors are withheld, given to an employee by a coworker or a superior. The Latin phrase roughly means " You do something for me and I'll do something for you." b. Latin phrase that basically means "You do something for me and ill do something for you." c. The most significant problems in workplace romances occur when the relationship is between a boss and his or her employee. The employee might feel coerced into the romantic relationship, which constitutes sexual harassment. Even if the superior does not threaten or show favoritism to the subordinate, the subordinate could believe that rejecting the supervisor's advances would be professional detrimental. i. A supervisor who says or implies "Have sex with me or your job will be in jeopardy" or "If you want this promotion, you should have sex with me" is obviously using his or her power as a boss to gain sexual favors in exchange for something the employee wants. 1. To avoid these situations, organizations often develop extensive sexual harassment policies. d. In class: i. Latin term ii. Means "if you do something for me, I'll do something for you" iii. Type of harassment 1. Sometimes used unethically, implied, overt, covert, sexual, etc. a. Can sometimes go too far 2. EX: Supervisor giving promotion for sex
Triangle of love
a. Intimacy i. Liking, trusting, caring 1. Not always sexual ii. Understanding, openness b. Commitment i. "Empty X love" ii. Devoted, loyal, faithful iii. Putting the other person first 1. Hard for some of us to do (not what we want, but what the other person needs). c. Passion i. Excitement, longing for person, sexual 1. In love with someone d. Companionate Love i. Intimacy + Commitment e. Romantic Love i. Passion + Intimacy f. Fatuous Love i. Commitment + Passion g. Consummate Love i. Intimacy + Commitment + Passion
Reproach
a. Message that a failure event has occurred. b. The process of addressing failure events often follows the reproach-account pattern, in which both partners must make a number of decisions. i. The first decision is whether a failure event has actually occurred. This may be easier to determine with moral transgressions, because we expect partners to know what is appropriate, given the culture's inherent moral code. If the transgression is not a moral one, had both parties agreed to a specific rule or expectation? Did both parties understand this rule? Was the rule appropriate, applicable, and accepted? Then, both parties must decide whether to discuss the failure. If we don't care that much about the relationship or the issue, we might opt to ignore the failure, deciding it is not worth the effort. The decision to complain to or reproach a partner should be motivated by a desire to clarify relational expectations or to avoid the failure event in the future by modifying the partner's behaviors. 1. A reproach is a message that a failure even has occurred. They are usually direct statements, but they can also be conveyed indirectly through hints or nonverbal messages. They range from mitigating (mild) to aggravating (threatening and severe). a. The nature of the reproach affects the response, or the account. Accounts can also be initiated without a reproach, simply because a person knows he or she has failed to live up to an expectation. c. Frank Fincham postulated that self-initiated accounts are more likely to evoke favorable reaction from a partner than are accounts given in response to reproaches. The accounts people offer typically take one of five forms: i. Apologies include admission that the failure even occurred, acceptance of responsibility, and expression of regret. ii. Excuses include admission that the failure event occurred, coupled with a contention that nothing could have been done to prevent the failure; it was due to unforeseen circumstances. iii. Justifications involve accepting responsibility for the event but redefining the event as not a failure. iv. Denials are statements that the failure even never took place. v. Absence of an account, or silence, involves ignoring a reproach or refusing to address it. d. In class: Response to a message. The response is in response to a message that violates expectations. Either directly or indirectly. Simply a response you have i. EX: Friend forgot your birthday you act cold or distant towards them. ii. EX: You loan a friend a book. You say to them "Hey, when do you think you will be done with that book?" or "Remind me to never loan you anything again. You're irresponsible!"
Parallel Relationship
a. Relationship in which power shifts back and forth between the partners, depending on the situation. b. Involve a shifting back and forth of the power between the partners, depending on the situation. i. You might defer the video game selection to your friend Riley who knows about every video game on the planet. On the other hand, Riley defers to you to decide where to get pizza. 1. Establishing this arrangement with Riley might have involved initial conflict until you both felt comfortable with your roles. a. What happens who you and Riley decide to go out? Who decides where you're going? c. Often involve continual negotiation of who has decision-making power over which issues. These changes often occur in concert with movement from one stage of the relationship to another
Account
a. Response to a reproach. b. The process of addressing failure events often follows the reproach-account pattern, in which both partners must make a number of decisions. i. The first decision is whether a failure event has actually occurred. This may be easier to determine with moral transgressions, because we expect partners to know what is appropriate, given the culture's inherent moral code. If the transgression is not a moral one, had both parties agreed to a specific rule or expectation? Did both parties understand this rule? Was the rule appropriate, applicable, and accepted? Then, both parties must decide whether to discuss the failure. If we don't care that much about the relationship or the issue, we might opt to ignore the failure, deciding it is not worth the effort. The decision to complain to or reproach a partner should be motivated by a desire to clarify relational expectations or to avoid the failure event in the future by modifying the partner's behaviors. 1. A reproach is a message that a failure even has occurred. They are usually direct statements, but they can also be conveyed indirectly through hints or nonverbal messages. They range from mitigating (mild) to aggravating (threatening and severe). a. The nature of the reproach affects the response, or the account. Accounts can also be initiated without a reproach, simply because a person knows he or she has failed to live up to an expectation. c. Frank Fincham postulated that self-initiated accounts are more likely to evoke favorable reaction from a partner than are accounts given in response to reproaches. The accounts people offer typically take one of five forms: i. Apologies include admission that the failure even occurred, acceptance of responsibility, and expression of regret. ii. Excuses include admission that the failure event occurred, coupled with a contention that nothing could have been done to prevent the failure; it was due to unforeseen circumstances. iii. Justifications involve accepting responsibility for the event but redefining the event as not a failure. iv. Denials are statements that the failure even never took place. v. Absence of an account, or silence, involves ignoring a reproach or refusing to address it. d. In class: Response to the reproach. An apology or an excuse (admitting to it but saying there was nothing you could do). Justification (accepting responsibility and nothing could be done to prevent it/rationale). Denial (deny everything/"No you didn't" "Yes I did"). Absence of an accent (either don't realize it or ignore it). i. EX: Done with book? - "I'm sorry, I left it in my room. Let me go get it." ii. EX: You arrive late - "Are you ready to go or not?" after they say you are late.
Egocentric Biases
a. The tendency to overstress changes between the past and present in order to make oneself appear more worthy or competent than one actually is. i. Occurs when one thinks of the world from one's own point of view and self-perception too much. Wishful thinking is a common example of an egocentric bias. Wishful thinking is essentially the belief that one is special. For positive traits, special means having more of the trait than others. In one study, it was found that 8 out of 10 people believed they had above average driving ability. If that's true, then 2 out of 10 people must be really, really, bad drivers. 1. Why do people make egocentric biased judgments? Are people motivated to think of themselves as better than others? Not necessarily. One explanation that does not involve motivation goes as follows: a. People make judgments based on the information available b. People have access to more information about the judgment from their own point of view, c. They use more information from their own point of view than from any other point of view. i. Hence, people make egocentric judgments, because the amount of information available for the judgment is greater for oneself than others, not because one is motivated to think better about oneself than others.
Cultural Differences at work
a. We live in a culturally diverse world. i. Some work locally and or globally through their occupation. 1. Necessary that when traveling and communicating with another culture either in person or over the phone that you know important information about the culture. a. Study the culture you are communicating with as to not offend them. b. Understand their perspective i. World perspective, ways of life, etc. c. EX: In Middle East, the male may touch another male's shoulder. Here we see it as degrading, but there it shows comradely and friendship. The male may not speak or look a woman in the eye. Here it is disrespectful not to speak to someone or give him or her eye contact, but there it is out of respect. d. EX: In Asian countries, they like silence. There is no need to fill silence with casual talk here. They find it rude if you do. e. EX: In France, business is very formal. It is not as relaxed as here. They keep on their suit jackets and stay composed instead of relaxing.
