Comm 1500 Final (Ch. 10-11)
true
T/F: families typically use online and face-to-face comm in a complimentary, rather than substitutive fashion
make your friends happy
an essential ingredient to successful friendships is striving to make your friends feel good while you're in their company; practice positivity: communicating with them in a cheerful/optimistic fashion, do unsolicited favors for them, buy/make gifts for them
autonomy vs. connection
as we mature, each of us must balance our desire to be independent against the connection that we share with our families and the corresponding expectations and obligations regarding who we "should" be as family members
types of friendships
best friends and cross category friendships -bestfriends -cross-sex friendships -cross-orientaton friendships -intercultural friendships -interethnic friendships
family communication patterns theory
the idea that two dimensions - conformity orientation and conversation orientation - underlie the communication between family members
intercultural friendships
friendships b/w people from different cultures/countries defining characteristic of these interactions is difference and this makes formation of friendships challenging (bc similarity in interests/activities is most important factor in catapulting friendships forward) -- overcome this by finding then bolstering some significant type of in-group similarity (ie. love of techno music) strongest predictor of whether someone will have this type of friendship is prior friendships of this type-- because they learn enormous benefits that such relationships provide, and lack fear/uncertainty about "out groupers"
friendship rules
general principles that prescribe appropriate communication and behavior within friendship relationships; one way we can help our friendships succeed; there are ten that people share across cultures; endorsed by both men and women, adherence to them distinguishes happy from unhappy friendships -- not abiding by them may even cost you your friends: people around globe describe failed friendships as ones that didn't follow these
nature of friendship
important sources of emotional security and self-esteem; facilitates a sense of belonging when we're young, helps solidify our identity during adolescence, and provides satisfaction and social support when we're elderly
maintain equity
in enduring, mutually satisfying friendships, the two people give and get in roughly equitable proportions; conscientiously repay debts, return favors, and keep exchange of gifts/compliments balanced **equity is subjective (could be $, could be car rides) example of inequitable: friends are no longer friends because I friend only called other when she needed help/convenient, but always busy when other wanted to talk/needed help
constantly in flux
individual families are ____ ____ _____ as children move out (lose job and move back in), grandparents join household to help with daycare/receive care themselves, spouses separate geographically to pursue job opportunities
communication privacy management theory
individuals create informational boundaries by carefully choosing the kind of private info they reveal and the people with whom they share it; these boundaries are constantly shifting, depending on the degree of risk associated with disclosing info: the more comfortable people feel disclosing, the more likely they are to reveal sensitive info; people are less likely to share when they expect negative reactions to the disclosure.
biggest advantage of online comm
lets you get in touch with family members and any time (imp for time zone restrictions); makes people feel close even when they're thousands of miles apart.
family relationship challenges
step family transition parental favoritism interparental conflict
nuclear family
a wife, husband, and their biological/adopted children; 60 years ago was most common type - today it's in the minority
share humor
successful friends spend a good deal of time joking and teasing each other in affectionate ways-- enjoying a similar sense of humor is an essential aspect of most long-term friendships
relational dialects
tensions that exist between competing impulses; they are within all families 2 especially pronounced within families (balancing these techniques are challenging): -autonomy vs. connection -openness vs. protection
valued social identities
the aspects of your public self that you deem the most important in defining who you are (ie. musician, athlete, poet, dancer, teacher, mother, etc)
family privacy rules
the conditions governing what family members can talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who should have access to family-relevant info
conformity orientation
the degree to which families believe that communication should emphasize similarity/diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values
conversation orientation
the degree to which family members are encouraged to participate in unrestrained interaction about a wide array of topics
types of family
-nuclear -extended -step -cohabiting couples -single-parent
courtship stories
about how the parents fell in love; emphasize the solidity of the parents' relationship, which children find reassuring; give children a framework for understanding romantic love, by suggesting what one should feel about love, and how to recognize it when it occurs.
manage jealousy
accept that each of your friends has other good friends and constructively manage any jealousy that arises in you.
avoid public criticism
airing your grievances publicly in a way that makes your friend look bad will only hurt your friendship; avoid communication such as questioning friends loyalty in front of other friends/commenting on friends weight in front of sales person
technology - esp. cell phones
allows families to connect, share, and coordinate their lives to a degree never before possible, resulting in boosted intimacy, more social support, and reduced awareness of the physical seperation, compared to families who don't
step family
at least one of the adults has a child or children from a previous relationship; often called "blended" or "remarried" families; more than 50% of children born throughout 21st century will grow up in this type - approx half of marriage in US and Canada are remarriages for 1/both partners
Identity support
behaving in ways that convey understanding, acceptance, and support for a friend's valued social identities
high in conversation orientation
believe that open and frequent communication is essential to an enjoyable and rewarding family life; consequently, they interact often, freely, and spontaneously without many limitations placed on time spent together and topics discussed
dominant electronic way that families communicate; students used this to maintain positivity, provide assurances, and self-disclose with family members
seek support
seek support/counsel when needed, disclosing your emotional burdens to your friends; other than sharing time and activities, mutual self-disclosure serves as the glue that binds friendships together
synchronous; asynchronous
families typically choose ____ modes of comm (Face-to-face, phone) for personal/urgent matters, and ______ modes (e-mail, text, FB) for less important issues
cross-category friendships
forging friendships that cross demographic lines and defy friendship norms; such friendships are a powerful way to break down ingrouper and out grouper perceptions and purge people of negative stereotypes; four most common: cross-sex, cross-orientation, intercultural, interethnic --people tend to befriend those that who are similar demographically (with regard to age, gender, economic status, etc); regardless of sexual orientation/gender identity, people are more likely to have close friendships with others of same ethnicity
openness vs. protection
we face frequent decisions regarding how openly we should comm with other family members, as well as how much info about our families we share with those outside the family unit
friendship is volatile
friendships are less stable/more likely to change/easier to break off than family/romantic relationships bc: -we're bonded to friends by choice, rooted in shared interests -we're bonded to family by social/legal commitment and to lovers by deep emotional/sexual attachment - these loyalties may mean we may choose/forgo professional opportunities to preserve romances/stay close to family -most of us will choose to pursue our careers over staying geographically close to friends
family communication patterns
shared beliefs about how families should converse - these beliefs and the resulting interpersonal communication; evolve from two communicative dimensions (conversation orientation and conformity orientation) (guides families' communication)
spillover hypothesis
(in relation to inter parental conflict) emotions, affect, and mood from the parental relationships "spillover" into the broader family, disrupting children's sense of emotional security; children living in households torn by inter parental conflict experience a chronic sense of instability -- not knowing when the next battle will erupt/when (or if) their parents will break up -- this gives them deep-seeded sense of emotional insecurity related to relationships, which manifests in their own intimate involvements, months and even years later **interparental conflict disrupts kids well-being
Friendship and culture
***friendship expectations vary across cultures -people from different cultures have varied expectations regarding friendships -most westerners believe that friendships don't endure, that you'll naturally lose some friends and gain others over time -other cultures view friendships as deeply intimate and lasting (i.e., when asked to identify the closes relationship in their lives, Euro-Americans tend to select romantic partners and Japanese tend to select friendships)
friendships across the lifespan
***friendship's role in our lives changes over time ***friendship wanes for married men ***friendships are most important relationships for elderly -the importance we attribute to our friendships changes throughout our lives -up through 4th grade: most children look to family as sole source of emotional support -during adolescence children slowly transfer emotional attachment from family to friends -by the 7th grade, young people rely just as much on same-sex friends as they do on family for support -by 10th grade, same-sex friends have become principle providers of emotional support this trend carries into early adulthood: for college students, friends are primary relationship for fulfilling relational needs -by middle adulthood, many people form long-term romantic commitments and start families of their own -- romantic partners and children become primary providers of companionship, affection, and support (the importance of friendship begins to wane - esp for males who before marriage tend to spend most of time with male friends) -as spouses and children pass on/form their own families, friendship becomes very imp. again - for elderly, friendships are the most important relationships for providing social support and intimacy
friendship functions
1) help us fulfill our need for companionship-- chances to do fun things together and receive emotional support 2) help us achieve practical goals-- friends help us deal with problems and every day tasks **these aren't mutually exclusive--many friendships facilitate both **communal friendships and agentic friendships (serve different functions)
friendship and gender
***male and female same-sex friendships are more similar than different ***Euro-American men avoid direct expressions of affection -friendship beliefs and practices across cultures are also entangled with gender norms -in US and Canada, friendships between women are often STEREOTYPED as communal, whereas men's friendships are thought to be agentic -male and female same-sex friendships are more similar than they're different -- men and women rate the importance of both kinds of friendships equally -studies of male friendships in N America have found that companionship is the primary need met by the relationship -euro-american men (unlike women) learn to avoid direct expressions of affection and intimacy in their friendships with other males (owing to traditional masculine gender roles, a general reluctance to openly show emotion, and homophobia (among other factors), many men avoid verbal/nonverbal intimacy in their same-sex friendships, such as disclosing personal feelings/vulnerabilities, touching and hugging) -in many cultures, both men and women look to same-sex friends as their primary source of intimacy (i.e., in spain, men and women report feeling more comfortable revealing their deepest thoughts to same-sex friends than to spouses; traditional Javanese (indonesian) culture holds that marriage should not be too intimate and that a person's most intimate relationship should be with his/her same-sex friends)
friendship and technology
***technology doesn't replace in person interaction b/w friends -- people who regularly use cell phones to call and text their friends are more likely to also seek face-to-face encounters ***people continue to recognize the superiority of offline relationships and comm; offline friendships have higher degrees of intimacy, understanding, interdependence, and commitment --communication technologies have re-shaped the way people create friendships -- now you can form friendships quickly and with more people (some whom you may never actually meet in person) simply by befriending them on Facebook/other online communities -- this provides a valuable resource to people suffering from chronic shyness (they can interact with others and garner social and emotional support, without suffering the anxiety that direct face-to-face contact may cause) --just because someone is your FB friend doesn't necessarily mean they are your "real" friend (80% of FB users report that their real-world friends are also FB friends - but inverse isn't true - most people have dozens of friends, four or so close friends, and one (or more) best friends - yet well over 300 FB friends; the vast bulk of these FB "friends" aren't friends at all, but instead coworkers, acquaintances, neighbors, family, and the like --comm technologies make it possible for friends to stay constantly connected with one another; now can keep friends updated 24/7 on latest news in life through posts/messages --people prefer face-to-face interactions with friends when discussing deeply personal/troubling topics.
10 rules of friendship
**not spoken until violated/someone's offended by them//expected to follow, unspoken 1) show support 2) seek support 3) respect privacy 4) keep confidences 5) defend your friends 6) avoid public criticism 7) make your friends happy 8) manage jealousy 9) share humor 10) maintain equity
step family transition
-adolescents tend to have more difficulty with this than preadolescents/young adults; children have more frequent behavioral problems, turbulent relationships, and lower self-esteem than children in first marriage families -common challenges: *negotiating new family privacy rules *discrepencies in conflict management styles *building solidarity as a family unit *triangulation
2 categories of birth stories
-birth stories -entrance stories
how to overcome interethnic relationship challenges
-check attribution errors -perception-check -look for common points of commonality/interest -remember some encounters are awkward, people don't get along, friendships won't arise, but it has nothing to do with ethnic differences
3 types of family stories that affirm family identity
-courtship stories -birth stories -survival stories
challenges to cross-sex relationships
1) men and women learned from early childhood to segregate themselves by sex--consequently young children overwhelmingly prefer friends of same sex; most children enter teens with only limited experience in building this type of friendship; neither adolescence nor adulthood provides many opportunities for gaining this experience -- leisure activities typically are sex segregated 2) society promotes only same-sex friendships and cross-sex coupling as two most acceptable relationship options between men and women --surrounding friends and family will likely be skeptical/disapprove cross-sex friends --family members that approve often pester pair to become romantically involved --family members that disapprove encourage termination of friendship --romantic partners of people involved in cross-sex friendships often vehemently disapprove of such involvements --owing to constant disapproval/pressure to justify relationship, cross-sex friendships are far less stable than same-sex friendships
cross-orientation friendships (friendships between straight man/woman and LGBTQ person)
-friendships between lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer (LGBTQ) and straight men and women; provide unique rewards for parties involved --for straights: forming relationship can help correct negative stereotypes about persons of other sexual orientations and LGBTQ community as a whole --for LGBTQ persons: friendship can provide much needed emotional and social support from outside of LGBTQ community, helping to further insulate them from societal homophobia -less frequent; although LGBTQ persons often have as many cross orientation friendships as same orientation, straight men and women overwhelmingly form friendships with other straight men and women --- principle reason is homophobia (both personal and societal) --straights may feel reluctant to pursue such friendships because they fear being associated with members of marginalized group (esp straight men: avg # cross orientation friendships = 0 --- this tendency may perpetuate homophobic sentiments, bc these men are never exposed to LGBTQ who might amend their negative attitudes)
agentic friendships
-friendships in which the parties focus primarily on helping each other achieve practical goals; value sharing time together but only if they're available and have no other priorities to handle at the moment; aren't interested in emotional interdepenence/mutual sharing of personal info; available when need arises, but beyond that, they're uncomfortable with more personal demands/responsibilities -we look to friends for help in achieving practical goals in our personal and professional lives (study for exams, fix cars, set up computers, complete professional projects) i.e., a ____ friend from work may gladly help you write a monthly sales report, but she may feel uncomfortable if you ask her advice about your romantic problems
communal friendships
-friendships that focus primarily on sharing time and activities together; try to get together as often as possible and they provide encouragement and emotional support to one another during times of need -friendship interactions are the least task oriented and tend to revolve around leisure activities such as talking/eating **bc emotional support is central aspect of friendship, only when both friends fulfill the expectations of support for the relationship does the friendship endure
cross-sex friendships (friendships between men and women)
-most are not motivated by sexual attraction; both sides gain greater understanding of how members of other sex think, feel, and behave through this type of friendship -- for men, provides possibility of greater intimacy and emotional depth than is typically available in male-male friendships -one of most radical shifts in interpersonal relationship pattern over the past few decades has been the increase in platonic (nonsexual) friendships b/w men and women in the US and Canada
six distinguishing characteristics of families
1) possess a strong sense of identity, created by how they comm 2) use comm to define boundaries both inside the family and to distinguish members from outsiders 3) emotional bonds underlying relationships are intense and complex 4) share a history and common future 5) may share genetic material 6) constantly juggle multiple and sometimes competing roles
balancing openness and protection
-the tension between the want to share personal info and protect ourselves from possible negative consequences of such sharing is even more pronounced in families (i.e., your family may be REALLY close, and as consequence almost anything that you tell one family member quickly becomes common knowledge -- creates a dilemma when you want to share something with only one family member -- do you disclose info, knowing that in a week's time your entire family will also know it, or do you withhold it? -communication privacy management theory -family privacy rules
parental favoritism
-where one/both parents allocate an unfair amount of valuable resources to one child over others; this may include intangible forms of affection, such as statements of love, praise, undue patience (letting one child "get away with anything"), and emotional support; it may involve tangible resources, such as cash loans, college tuition, cars or job offers -has profound and enduring effects; bc favored children garner more of their parents' resources, they are more likely than siblings to be professionally successful as adults; favored children also report a greater sense of well-being and life satisfaction in adulthood than disfavored children -the relational consequences are devastating, especially for siblings; studies show that siblings from households in which favoritism occurred feel and express substantially less warmth and more hostility toward one another than those where it did not; siblings from favoritism families are substantially less close and report more conflict -- this is true regardless of family size, gender of siblings, or family's ethnicity (i.e., when my friend "susan" was growing up, her father blatantly favored her sister over her; he bought her sis a BMW for her 16th bday, but refused to loan susan his car when she needed to go to work. Dad paid for sisters college but refused to contribute toward susan's community college education-when she confronted dad, he said "your sis deserves all I've given her, bc I love her more than you"
balancing autonomy and connection
-you may enjoy the feeling of intimacy that connectedness brings, while resenting how your family seems blind to your true abilities (i.e., "my family insist on seeing me as the family clown" "My family doesn't think I can make mature decisions because I'm the youngest") -this tension is esp difficult to manage during adolescence -it is important to strike a balance between family relationships and outside relationships -how to manage tension: 1) sharing tasks: balance your dependence on family members to help you carry out every day chores with a reliance on yourself and people outside your family -- too much dependence on family members (esp for tasks you can do on your own) can erode your self-reliance, self-confidence, and independence.) 2) cultivating social networks: examine your social networks (including your family), and assess the degree to which family members constitute the closest people in your life; a balance between family relationships and outside connections is ideal -- if you have few or even no close ties with anyone outside of the family sphere, you may feel intensely dependent on your family and experience a corresponding loss of autonomy; likewise, having no close ties to any family members can create a sense of independence so extreme that you feel little emotional bond with your family.
Six characteristics that distinguish families from other social groups
1) FAMILIES POSSESS A STRONG SENSE OF FAMILY IDENTITY CREATED BY HOW THEY COMMUNICATE: the way you talk with family members/stories you exchange/manner in which your family members deal with conflict all contribute to a shared sense of what your family is like 2) FAMILIES USE COMMUNICATION TO DEFINE BOUNDARIES, BOTH INSIDE THE FAMILY AND TO DISTINGUISH FAMILY MEMBERS FROM OUTSIDERS: some families constrict info that flows out ("Don't talk about our family problems with anyone else"), some also restrict physical access to the family (ie. dictating with whom family members can become romantically involved "No son of mine is going to marry a protestant!"); others set few such boundaries (ie. a family may welcome friends and neighbors as unofficial members as an "uncle" or "aunt" who isn't really related to your parents), a family may even welcome others' children, such as neighbors across the street whom you think of as your "family away from home"; if remarriage occurs and stepfamilies form, these boundaries are renegotiated. 3) THE EMOTIONAL BONDS UNDERLYING FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS ARE INTENSE AND COMPLEX: family members typically hold both warm and antagonistic feelings toward one another; consider the strength of feeling that arises in you when you get into an argument with a parent/sibling, or when you celebrate an important milestone (graduation/wedding/new job) with family members 4) FAMILIES SHARE A HISTORY AND A COMMON FUTURE: such histories can stretch back for generations and feature family members from a broad array of cultures- these histories often set expectations regarding how family members should behave ("We Ngatas have always been an honest bunch, and we're not about to change that now"); families expect to maintain their bonds indefinitely - for better or for worse, everything you say and do becomes a part of your family history, shaping future interactions and determining whether your family relationships are healthy or destructive 5) FAMILY MEMBERS MAY SHARE GENETIC MATERIAL: this can lead to shared physical characteristics, similar personalities, outlooks on life, mental abilities, and ways of relating to others (i.e.. some studies suggest that interpersonal inclinations such as shyness/aggressiveness are influenced by genes) 6) FAMILY MEMBERS CONSTANTLY JUGGLE MULTIPLE AND SOMETIMES COMPETING ROLES: within your family, you're not just a daughter/son, but perhaps a sibling, a spouse, or an aunt/uncle as well. by the time you reach middle age, you simultaneously may be a parent, spouse, grandparent, daughter/son, and sibling - and each of these roles carries with it various expectations and demands. this makes communicating competently within families challenging (ie., mom must decide whether to stay up with child and read until it nods off (could be 11-12pm) or be intimate with husband who doesn't want to wait up until child falls asleep)
how to ease transition to a step family
1) Go slow, but start early: the relationships b/w stepfamily members are involuntary, yet stepfamily members often feel pressure to immediately become intimate; this can cause stress and anxiety, as no one enjoys feeling forced to be close to others; to avoid this, go slow in building ties with stepparents, stepchildren, or step siblings -- take the time to get to know one another, forcing relationships in same way you would any other interpersonal involvements (by having fun and doing things together); if possible start early in creating these bonds -- ideally as soon as it becomes certain that a stepfamily will form -- not doing so can lead to tension and conflict later, when the step family formally becomes a unit 2) Practice daily maintenance: research on stepfamilies emphasizes the importance of displaying affection, attending important activities and events, engaging in everyday talk, and sharing humorous stories -- the behaviors fundamental to all families -- try to express your support for your new family members by doing at least some of these things everyday 3) create new family rituals: a critical part of building a new family identity is creating stepfamily rituals (events/activities shared b/w step family members that function to define the group as a family) this can be sharing a weekly dinner together/attending religious services together; whatever form it takes, the most constructive step family rituals are those that bring step family members together as a family, but still recognize and value what was important from the previous families 4) avoid triangulating family members: you may feel it's strategic or even enjoyable to team up and triangulate against a stepparent or step sibling but such behaviors damages your relationship with them and creates family stress; if you're the one caught in the middle of triangulation, confront the perpetuators using your interpersonal skills (cooperative language, competent interpersonal comm), respectfully explain to them how their behavior is making you feel and damage it's doing to the family; remind them that step families are difficult enough to maintain without also having to deal with alliances, loyalty, struggles, and power battles -- ask them to cease such behavior 5) be patient: whenever families experience a major transition, there is always a lengthy period of adjustment; in the case of remarriage, it typically takes anywhere from 3-5 years for a step family to stabilize as a family unit; consequently, be patient -- expect that new relationship bonds are going to take a long time to develop, that you will feel uncertain about your new family roles, and that disputes will arise over privacy rules and personal boundaries
how to manage interparental conflict
1) encourage parents individually to approach their conflicts more constructively; share with them all you know about effective approaches for managing conflict, the negative role of self-enhancing thoughts, the dangers associated with destructive messages, and the trap of serial arguments 2) if you feel that you are suffering negative outcomes from having grown up in a conflict-ridden household, seek therapy from a reputable counselor 3) if you're a parent with children, realize everything you say and do within the family realm -- including interactions you have with your spouse/partner -- spills over into the emotions and feelings of your children
best approach for dealing with parental favoritism
1) realize that favoritism is never the fault of the favored child- avoid blaming siblings if you're unfavored child 2) carefully consider whether it is worth confronting your parents - challenging parental unfairness is unlikely to bring about positive outcomes (can't control parents' behavior and some parents may not even realize they favor one child over others -- i.e., differential praise, attention, emotional support - in such cases, challenging parents for being "unfair" will only hurt their feelings and create a rift b/w you, them, and favored sibling; alternatively if your parents recognize and relish their preferential treatment, confrontation may lead them to defend their behavior in ways that hurt your feelings further 3) focus on maintaining your sibling relationship by regularly practicing positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure 4) if you're a favored child, realize that your siblings may resent you and all you've gained -- discuss this openly with them, and look for opportunities to "balance things out" b/w you and them through acts of generosity and support (i.e., susan's sister began quietly funneling financial support to susan to help her pay for nursing school)
how to improve family privacy rules (and in doing so, bring about a better balance of openness and protection)
1) remember all families have approved and taboo conversation topics, certain viewpoints they promote over others, and people whom they include/exclude from receiving info about the family; effective family privacy rules aren't "one-size-fits-all" -- instead they should strike a balance between openness and protection that best fits your family 2) be respectful of the varying opinions and preferences individual family members have regarding openness and protection; remember that if your family comm pattern is low on convo orientation and high on conformity, any push for change in privacy rules may strike others as a threat to the family 3) if you believe that your family privacy rules should be altered to allow greater openness or increased protection, avoid abrupt, dramatic and demanding calls for change -- they will likely offend family members and put them on the defensive; instead identify a single family member you think would share your views and discuss your desire for change with him/her using your interpersonal competence skills and cooperative language; if he/she agrees change is needed, identify an additional family member who might also concur. Then initiate a three-way discussion; changes in long standing privacy rules, especially for low convo, high conformity families, are best accomplished slowly through interactions with one family member at a time
bestfriends
1) typically same-sex rather than cross-sex, although we may have close cross-sex friendships, comparatively few of these relationships evolve to being a "best" 2) involves greater intimacy, more disclosure, and deeper commitment: people talk more frequently/deeply about their relationships, emotions, life events, and goals (true for both men and women) 3) people count on them to listen to their problems without judging and to "have their back" meaning provide unconditional support 4) share substantial activities: more likely to join clubs together, participate on intramural/community sports teams, move in as roommates, share a spring break/study abroad/vacation together 5) unqualified provision of identity support: they understand/accept/respect/support us no matter what; participants who initially reported high levels of identity support from a new friend were more likely to describe that person as their best friend four years later more than any other factor (including amount of communication and perceived closeness); MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR
entrance stories
type of birth story; stories that adoptive parents create about how/why the children entered their adoptive families; provide the child with a sense of personal identity and self-esteem; help heal broken bond with birth parents by giving the child an explanation of why adoption occurred --one of the most common and constructive entrance stories involves framing the birth mother's decision as altruistic: "the loving, painful decision of an amazing, caring woman."
friendship is characterized by self-disclosure
THE defining feature of friendship; distinguishes b/w "acquaintance" and "friend"; both men and women report that being able to freely and deeply disclose is the defining feature of friendship; the relationship b/w friendship and self disclosure is reciprocal -- the more you consider someone a friend, the more you will disclose, and the more you disclose, the more you will consider that person a friend
family
a network of people who share their lives over long periods of time and are bound by marriage, blood, or commitment; who consider themselves as this; and who share a significant history and anticipated future of functioning in this relationship
friendship
a voluntary interpersonal relationship characterized by intimacy and liking; has several distinguishing characteristics: -it's voluntary -it's driven by shared interests -it's characterized by self-disclosure -it's rooted in liking -it's volatile
interethnic friendships
a bond b/w people who share the same cultural background (i.e. "american"), but who are of different ethnic groups (i.e. "african-american" "asian-american" "euro-american"); boost cultural awareness and commitment to diversity; people who develop a close friendship of this type become less prejudiced toward ethnicities of ALL types as a result most difficult barriers people face in forming this type of relationship are: --attributional and perceptual errors: too often, we let our own biases/stereotypes stop us from having open, honest, and comfortable interactions with people from other ethnic groups -- we become overly concerned with the "correct" way to act and end up behaving nervously --nervousness may lead to awkward, uncomfortable encounters may cause us to avoid interethnic encounters in future, dooming ourselves to friendship networks that lack diversity
defend your friends
a critical feature of enduring relationships is the feeling that friends "have your back" your friends count on you to stand up for them, so defend them online and off, in situations where they're being attacked either to their face/behind their back
maintaining friendships
by following friendship rules and using maintenance strategies we keep friendships alive
challenges/potential rewards of intercultural friendships
challenges: overcoming differences in language and cultural beliefs and negative stereotypes --difference of language - incorrect interpretations of messages can lead to misunderstanding, uncertainty, frustration, and conflict potential rewards: gaining new cultural knowledge, broadening one's world-view and breaking stereotypes
low conformity families
communicate in ways that emphasize diversity in attitudes, beliefs, and values, and that encourage members' uniqueness, individuality, and independence; typical view outside relationships as equally important to those within family, and they prioritize individual over family interests/goals; children contribute to family decision making and members view the family as a vehicle for individual growth rather than a collective in which members must sacrifice their own interests for the good of the whole
cohabiting couples
consist of two unmarried, romantically involved adults living together in a household, with or without children; steadily increasing in western societies - this is partly due to an increase in cohabitation among middle-aged and older adults, many of whom were formerly married but now want the relational flexibility that this type affords; far from new - it has long been popular in poorer, less-industrialized countries ***fastest growing type
getting married
couples are increasingly living together rather than
family identity
created through communication
rising divorce rates
decreases avg size of households
family privacy rules
define the boundaries mentioned in comm privacy management theory (info boundaries); the conditions governing what family members can talk about, how they can discuss such topics, and who should have access to family relevant info -in some families, members feel free to talk about any topic, at any time, and in any situation; in other families, discussion of more sensitive topics such as politics and religion may be permissible only in certain settings (i.e., your family may talk about religion immediately after attending services together or debate political issues over dinner, but you might not discuss such matters during breakfast/on gold course) -some topics may be permanently excluded from your family discussion altogether: personal sexual history, assault, abuse, severe legal/financial woes, extreme health problems -breaking one of these rules by forcing discussion of a "forbidden" topic can cause intense emotional discomfort among other family members and may prompt the family to exclude the "rule breaker" from future family interactions -important things to remember before forcing a discussion of an issue that other family members consider off-limits **these rules govern how family members talk about these topics as well -- including what's considered an acceptable opinion and how deeply fam members can explore these opinions (may be acceptable to talk at any time about the personal lives of various family members, but only if your comments are positive) **these rules identify the people with whom family members can talk; if your family holds particular religious/political viewpoints that is at odds with surrounding neighbors' views, you might be instructed to avoid these topics when conversing with neighborhood friends ("This stays within the family") -when children grow up, the parent-child relationship often shifts from authoratative to friendship based; when this happens, people may feel pressure to change longstanding privacy rules (i.e., even if your family has never openly discussed severe illness, you may feel compelled to talk about it if your mom starts displaying early symptoms of Alzheimer's Disease) -help members know how to balance openness and protection but they can also amplify tension within families as people age
birth stories
describe the latter stages of pregnancy, childbirth, and early infancy of a child; help children understand how they fit into the family ("You'll always be the baby"), which roles they're expected to play ("Firstborns are always so independent"), and what their parents hope and dream for them ("We knew from the moment you were born that you'd accomplish great things!")
consensual families
families high in both conversation and conformity; members are encouraged to openly share their views with one another as well as debate these beliefs; comm is marked by high disclosure, attentive listening, and frequent expressions of caring, concern, and support towards one another; family members are expected to steadfastly share a single view point; parents typically exert strong control over the attitudes, behaviors, and interactions of their children; because of their emphasis on conformity, these families perceive conflict as intensely threatening - consequently they address conflicts as they occur and seek to resolve them as constructively as possible to preserve family unity i.e., parents may encourage their children to share their thoughts and feelings about important issues ("What do you think we should do?"), but then make it clear that only one perspective (the parents') is acceptable i.e., dan's parents encourage their son to be open but also expect him to maintain family unity through agreement or obedience
pluralistic families
families high in conversation but low in conformity; communicate in open and unconstrained ways, discussing a broad range of topics and exploring them in depth; families enjoy debating the issues of the day, and judge one another's arguments on their merit rather than whether they mesh with other members' attitudes; people typically don't try to control other family members' beliefs, attitudes; parents don't feel compelled to wield power over their children and children's contributions to family discussions and decision making are treated as relevant and equally valid; deal directly with conflict, seeking to resolve disputes in productive, mutually beneficial ways (may est. "official" times such as mealtimes of family meetings when members can vent their concerns and work collaboratively to settle them) for this reason, farm members report the highest rates of conflict resolution of any of the four family types i.e., parents may ask for their children's opinions regarding a job opportunity ("Should mom accept the offer and TelCo?") or a fan vacation ("Where should we go this year?") i.e., Julie's parents encourage her to express herself freely, and when conflicts arise, they collaborate with her to resolve them
laissez-faire families
low in both conversation and conformity; few emotional bonds exist between their members; resulting in low levels of caring, concern, and support expressed within the family; their detachment shows itself in a lack of interaction and a decided disinterest in activities that might foster communication/maintenance of the family as a unit; parents believe that children should be independent thinkers and decision makers - this belief derives from their disinterest in their children's thoughts and decisions; such parents tend to leave it up to their children to form their own opinions regarding sexual behavior, drug and alcohol usage, and educational achievement; due to infrequent interactions, these families rarely get embroiled in conflict - if a disagreement does erupt, they avoid it or (if they feel strongly invested in issues at stake) they compete to "win" the debate i.e., Samantha's parents prefer limited communication and encourage their daughter to make her own choices and decisions
protective families
low on conversation and high on conformity; communication functions to maintain obedience and enforce family norms, and little value is placed on the exchange of ideas/development of communication skills; parent-child power differences are enforced and children are expected to quietly obey; sayings such as "Children should be seen and not heard" and "children should speak when spoken to" reflect this mind set; parents invest little effort in creating opportunities for family discussion, and the result is low levels of disclosure amongst family members; avoid conflict because it threatens the conformity they value and because they often lack the skills necessary to manage conflicts constructively; members may tell each other "Don't make waves," or "You don't want to cause trouble" i.e., brian's parents expect their son to be respectful, and they discourage family discussions
self-disclosure
means sharing your private thoughts and feelings with family members and allowing them to do the same without fear of betrayal; you do this by treating other family members in ways that are consistent, trustworthy, and ethical -ways to practice: making time in schedule to talk with parents, siblings, or children about how they're doing, encouraging them to share their feelings and concerns with you, and offering your perspectives in a cooperative and respectful way. -means avoiding: communication patterns that undermine disclosure (betraying confidences, refusing to make time for family conversation, reacting defensively when family members share their feelings with you, disparaging family members' view points, and hiding things from your family).
triangulation
most frequent and perplexing challenge in stepfamilies; loyalty conflicts that arise when a coalition is formed, uniting one family member with another against a third person -fam members caught in this feel "torn" b/w different loyalties "I would carry things from her, she'd say stuff about him, and he'd do the same and talk about her. It's kind of hard to get both sides of it, so I avoided them for awhile...I just felt that I was caught in the middle." (daughter about birth parents) two common forms within step families: 1) children feeling caught b/w their custodial and noncustodial parents 2) stepparents feeling caught b/w the children in their stepfamily
positivity
most powerful maintenance tactic for families; means communicating with family members in an upbeat and hopeful fashion -to implement: start doing favors for other family members without being asked and unexpectedly gift them in little ways that show you care; invest energy into making each encounter with family members enjoyable -avoid: complaining about family problems that have no solutions, ridiculing family members, whining/sulking when you don't get your way, and demanding that caregivers/siblings/other kin give you favored treatment
family stories
narrative accounts shared repeatedly within a family that retell historical events and are meant to bond the family together; help create and promote a unique family identity by teaching individuals about their role in the family and about the family's norms, values, and goals; provide powerful images of family relationships-lace their narratives with opinions and emotions that make clear how they feel about other family members; not just the content of stories that bond families together - it's the activity of storytelling - family members often collaborate in telling stories: adding details, disagreeing, correcting discrepancies, and confirming perspectives -aren't always positive; some criticize family values, condemn specific family members' actions, or discourage dissent - these may also involve family histories of abandonment/abuse/parental oppression - and corresponding lessons how not to parent
friendship is driven by shared interests
similarity is the primary force that draws us to our friends -- this is true across ages, genders, sexual orientations, and ethnicities; when your interests/activities change, so do your friendships (if you change your political/religious or suffer an injury that prevents you from playing a beloved sport, friendships related to those things may change as well); some friendships will endure -- the focus of the relationship shifting to new points of commonality -- but others will fade away --one of the most common reasons for friendship ending is a change in shared interests and beliefs
interparental conflict
one of the most potent family challenges; overt, hostile interactions b/w parents in a household; while such constant fighting is harmful to the parents' relationship, the impact upon children in the household is worse; is associated with children's social problems, including lower levels of play with peers and lower friendship quality; such children are also more likely to imitate their parents' destructive interaction styles and consequently are most at risk for aggressive and delinquent behaviors -the most devastating effects are relational: adolescents who perceive a high frequency of inter parental conflict are more likely to report feelings of jealousy and fears of abandonment in their romantic relationships; also negatively impacts late teen and adult perceptions of interpersonal trust, love attitudes, sexual behaviors, relationship beliefs, cohabitation, and attitudes toward marriage/divorce -spillover hypothesis
single-parent family
only one adult resides in the household, possessing sole responsibility as caregiver for the children; as of 2011, 27% (in US) and 16% (Canada) of children were growing up in this type of household
close friends
people with whom you exchange deeply personal info and emotional support, share many interests and activities, and around whom you feel comfortable and at ease; on average people have four
20%
percentage of households with married couples with biological children in US has declined _____
three most important strategies for maintaining family relationships
positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure
show support
provide emotional support and offer assistance in times of need without being asked; accept and respect your friend's valued social identities; support decisions, even if it's not one you would make (i.e. changing majors, tries out for team captain, opts to be stay-at-home parent)
family relationships
provide us with our greatest joys and most bitter heartaches
respect privacy
recognize friendships have more restrictive boundaries for sharing personal info than do romantic/family relationships; avoid pushing your friend to share info that he/she considers too personal; resist sharing info about yourself that's intensely private/irrelevant to your friendship
survival stories
relate the coping strategies family members have used to deal with major challenges; may be physical (accounts that combat soldiers/famine victims tell) or may refer to family member's ability to prevail by achieving level of financial stability or other forms of success; give children sense that they come from a tough, persevering family, which prepares them to face own difficulties
assurances
saying how much your family means to you; let other family members know that you consider your relationship with each of them unique and valuable, and that you're committed to maintaining these bonds well into the future ("I love you," "I will always be here for you," "I miss you," "I can't wait to be home again so I can spend time with you") avoid:devaluing family relationships infront of others ("They're just my family") and commenting on how other families are superior to yours ("I'd give anything to have other parents").
high conformity families
use their interactions to highlight and enforce uniformity of thought; sometimes perceived as more "traditional" because children are expected to obey parents and other elders who (in turn) are counted on to make family decisions; members of these families tend to prioritize family relationships over outside connections such as friendships and romantic involvements; expected to sacrifice their personal goals for the sake of the family
low in conversation orientation
view interpersonal communication as something irrelevant and unnecessary for a satisfying, successful family life; interact only infrequently and limit convos to a few selected topics (weather, daily activities, current events, etc); disclosure of intimate thoughts and feelings between family members is discouraged, as is debate of attitudes and perspectives
friendship is rooted in liking
we feel affection and respect for our friends (we "like" them) and enjoy their company; pleasure in sharing time together is a defining feature in friendship; we're not as emotionally attached/emotionally demanding of our friends as we are to other intimates bc friendships are not rooted in love (we're expected to be more loyal/willing to help romantic partners and family members than friends)
friendship is voluntary
we have greater liberty in choosing our friends than we do in choosing partners for any other relationship type; whether a friendship forms is determined largely by the people involved, based on their mutual desire to create such a relationship (this is different from romantic, workplace, and family involvements) "fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."
extended family
when relatives (aunts, uncles, parents, children, and grandparents) live together in a common household; numerous Italian American, African American, and Asian American families fall into this category
