comm ch 8 (communication in intimate relationships)

Integrating

deep commitment has formed and the partners share a strong sense that the relationship has its own identity ("We")

Intimacy:

significant emotional closeness that we experience in a relationship, whether romantic or not

Forming and communicating in romantic relationships

Knapp's stages of relationship development 1. Initiating 2. Experimenting 3. Intensifying 4. Integrating 5. Bonding How couples handle conflict, privacy, and emotional and instrumental conflict 1. Conflict 2. Privacy 3. Emotional Communication 4. Instrumental Communication

Communicating in families

-Genetic ties (blood related), legal obligations (parents obligations to minor kids), role behaviors (acting like a family) -Family of origin (the family you grew up with), family of procreation (the family we start as an adult), nuclear family (traditional; married man/woman + biological children)

Privacy

-Managing information they consider private -Individuals and couples vary in their approach to privacy

Instrumental

-Necessary daily tasks -One of the most common forms of communication among couples -Romantic partners disagree over the division of responsibilities for instrumental tasks -Reflects the balance of power in the relationship

Emotional Communication

-The way romantic partners express emotion to each other says a lot about the quality of their relationship -Reflects how satisfaction -Pattern 1: Happy partners communicate more positive emotion and less negative emotion with each other than unhappy couples (More humor, affection, assurances) -Pattern 2: unhappy couples more likely to reciprocate expressions of negative emotions

Conflict

-an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties is not fun but not necessarily bad -Validating - talk about disagreements openly/cooperatively, respect opinions even during disagreement, use humor and positive emotions to defuse the tension -Volatile - talk about disagreements openly but is more competitive, expressions of negative emotions, followed by intense periods of affection/"making up". -Conflict-avoiding - talk about disagreements covertly, try to defuse negative emotions and focus on similarities, "agree to disagree" -Hostile - frequent and intense conflict, use negative emotion displays, personal attacks, sarcasm, blaming, other forms of criticism

Characteristics of romantic relationships

1. Exclusivity -Monogamy: being in only one romantic relationship at a time and avoiding romantic or sexual involvement with others outside of it -Expression of commitment and faithfulness → no infidelity -Some people choose "open" relationships -Others practice polygamy (two or more spouses) 2. Voluntariness -People choose -Others have arranged marriages (selected by parents) 3. Love -In individualistic societies, emphasize importance of love -marriage in some cultures does not equate love (e.g financial stability) 4.Sexuality -Acceptance of same-sex marriage -Preserving the sanctity of marriage

Communicating in families (communication issues)

1. Family roles: embody the functions people serve in the family system -In conflict → the blamer, the placater (peacemaker), the computer (uses logic and reason), and the distracter (random comments to forget about the conflict) 2. Family rituals: repetitive activities that hold special meaning in the family -Reinforce family values -Provide sense of belonging 3.Family stories -provide family a sense of history -Express what family expects of one another -Reinforce connections across generations 4. Family secrets -Protects family information -Reinforces family identity/exclusivity

Improving communication in intimate relationships (cont'd)

1. Have realistic expectations 2. Manage dialectical tensions -Denial: responding to only one side of the tension and ignoring the other. -Disorientation: ending the relationship in which the tension exists -Alternation: going back and forth between the two sides of a tension -Segmentation: dealing with one side of a tension in some aspects of a relationship and with the other side of the tension in other aspects of that relationship -Balance: trying to compromise or find a middle ground between the two opposing forces of a tension -Integration: developing behaviors that will satisfy both sides of a tension simultaneously -Recalibration: reframing a tension so the contradiction between opposing needs disappears -Reaffirmation: simply embracing dialectical tensions as a normal part of life

nature of intimate relationships

1. Requires deep commitment Definition: desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens -Emotional commitment: responsibility for each other's feelings -Social commitment: spending time together -Legal/financial commitments: formal obligations 2. Fosters Interdependence Definition: an event or a decision that affects one person in a relationship affects everyone else in the relationship Distinguished by degree of interdependence 3. Require continuous investment Commitment of our energies and resources Expect to benefit from investment 4. Sparks Dialectical Tensions Definition: conflicts between two important but opposing relational needs or desires Autonomy (desire to be your own person) vs. Connection (desire to be close to others) Openness (desire for disclosure and honesty) vs. Closedness (desire to keep certain facts, thoughts, ideas to yourself) Predictability (desire for consistency and stability) vs. Novelty (desire for fresh new experiences)

Improving communication in intimate relationships

1.Emphasize excitement and positivity (confirming/disconfirming messages) 2. Handle conflict constructively Warning signs for separation: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling 3. Criticism: complaints about each other; not always bad but becomes counterproductive when it focuses on person's personality or character 4. Contempt: hostile behavior in which they insult each other and attack the other's self worth 5. Defensiveness: seeing yourself as a victim and denying responsibility for your behaviors 6. Stonewalling: withdrawing from the conversation

Will and Sally are in a romantic relationship. They are open and honest with each other about most things, but have agreed that they will not talk about past relationships or partners. Which way of managing dialectical tension are Will and Sally using? a. Recalibration b. Segmentation c. Disorientation d. Reaffirmation

b. Segmentation

Bonding

partners make a public announcement of their commitment to each other -Not every couple goes through the stages of relationship development in the same way -Relationship formation is not necessarily the same in all cultures -Relationships formed online are similar to relationships formed face-to-face

Experimenting

people converse to learn more about each other and decide whether they have enough in common

Initiating

people meet and interact for the first time

Intensifying

people move from being acquaintances to being close friends by spending more time together and deepening commitment