Crafting Description
Petals as smooth as silk were scattered beneath the bride's feet. As she walked down the aisle, her father gently brushed a tear from her face. The organist played a rhythmic melody as the bridal party continued down the aisle.
To which sense do the descriptions in the passage mainly appeal? A) touch
From "Final Night" by Laura Emily Goldblatt I look around the campfire at the friends I've made this summer, and I wonder how I'll ever be able to say goodbye to these people, this place.
What is the point of view of this excerpt from a descriptive essay? A) first person
Which detail contributes to a dominant impression of danger?
rocks like jagged teeth
Review the interactive chart. See how Laura listed each of the five senses and challenged herself to come up with at least two details relating to each. Although Laura didn't use all of these images in her final draft, she liked having them there to choose from. Write It! Create a blank sensory chart. Observe your surroundings and list your impressions in the chart. Make a similar chart for your topics.
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Yet another choice is the third-person omniscient point of view, with a narrator who sees and knows everything. This point of view is usually used in fiction. The concert at the park was a record-breaking event. Stephanie Othaller and her children felt very lucky to have tickets. Her neighbor, however, was extremely envious, although she tried to hide her feelings. . . . Did you write down the three points of view that were discussed? First-person point of view—uses the pronoun I Third-person limited point of view—has a less personal feel Third-person omniscient point of view—shows the same event from different angles
Which sentence is in the third-person omniscient point of view? A) As the band took the field, Krista thought about tomorrow's party, and Kyle hoped he wouldn't mess up his drum solo.
Revising Your Overall Structure Read your draft critically, and revise it where necessary. Check to be sure that your description's overall structure, paragraphs, sentences, and words work together to create a unified whole. Create a Dominant Impression—The details in your description should work together to shape a dominant impression—the main idea or overall impact you want to form in the minds of your readers. For example, Laura wanted to create a harmonious dominant impression. In her writing, she rewrote passages that did not add to the piece's sense of harmony. She changed the first sentence. Original Sentence The red team and white team sit across from each other, and yet there is such a sense of unity that is stifling.
Circling Details to Identify the Function—Circle in red pencil the details in your draft that contribute to your description's dominant impression. Circle in blue pencil any details that do not directly convey that main impression. Consider replacing or deleting passages circled in blue to give your description a specific focus and to strengthen the dominant impression you'd like to make. Think About It Define dominant impression in your own words. It may help you to keep in mind that other words for dominant are main, central, and principal.
Editing and Proofreading: Focusing on Mechanics Errors in your description might mean that your audience will pay more attention to your mistakes than to the topic about which you're writing. Fix errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar before you create your final draft. Proofreading requires more than one review. Read your work several times, looking for a different type of error each time. Good writing is a reflection of the care that a writer has taken to be understood.
As you proofread, check to be sure that you have used commas correctly. Pay particular attention to appositives and appositive phrases to be sure you've correctly punctuated them. To punctuate appositives and appositive phrases correctly, apply the following rules: An essential appositive is one that is necessary to the meaning of the sentence. It does not need commas. A nonessential appositive or appositive phrase is one that can be removed without changing the sentence's meaning. It must always be set off with commas. Example: Essential appositive The movie star Cary Grant is one of my favorites. Since the sentence does not make sense without the words Cary Grant, you don't need commas around the appositive. Example: Nonessential appositive phrase The real name of Cary Grant, one of my favorite stars, was Archibald Leach. The appositive phrase one of my favorite stars can be removed without changing the meaning.
Use the following strategy to add a specific type of descriptive detail to your writing. Adding Details With Appositives—Appositives, which are nouns or pronouns that identify or rename other nouns or pronouns, are a good way to offer more detail about the person, place, or object being described. Examine your draft, and add appositives where more detail is necessary. Original Sentence Dale finally finished the climb. Sentence With an Appositive Phrase Dale, my best friend, finally finished the climb.
Compare the sample sentences. How does the addition of the words "my best friend" change the sentence? A) It highlights the writer's relationship with the subject and involves him or her more closely with the action.
Prewriting: Choosing Your Topic Words can bring worlds to life. All around you, in day-to-day life, you use words to describe what you see, hear, smell, taste, touch, imagine, and remember. Through the power of description, you can amaze, horrify, or gladden your listeners. The best topics for description are those that are especially vivid or those with which you have a personal connection. The following strategies will help you choose a topic. Write them in your notebook and take notes as you read. choose an unusual point of view create a blueprint freewrite
Choose an Unusual Point of View—Sometimes, it's fun to describe something from a new perspective. What would the ocean look like to a high-flying gull or to a crab burrowing in the sand? Make a list of familiar people, places, and experiences—and then, imagine two or three new perspectives from which you might view each one. Choose the most interesting one as the topic for your description. Think About It How might the following people describe the classroom scene? An electrician on a ladder A journalist from another country Your great-great-great grandparents
Prewriting: Narrowing Your Topic Once you know the general topic you want to describe, take time to narrow your description. You might choose to describe just one moment of an event or experience, just one part of a place, or just one aspect of a person. Drawing can also help you narrow your topic. Draw to Narrow a Topic—Make a sketch of the person, place, or event you're describing to help you bring details into focus. Don't worry about how well you draw, since you never have to show your sketch to anyone else. Just think about the details that you'd like to include when you paint a picture in words. Refer to your completed drawing as you gather details, draft, and revise your description.
Drawing can help you narrow a topic. What are the three strategies previously mentioned that will help you generate a topic? A) choosing an unusual point of view, blueprinting, and freewriting
How does the placement of the topic sentence at the beginning or the end of the example paragraphs change the impression that each paragraph creates?
Having the topic sentence at the beginning alerts the reader to the information to come. Having the topic sentence at the end brings the previous details into a central focus.
Drafting: Shaping Your Writing Choose a Point of View—Choose a point of view from which to write your description. Different points of view will give you access to different kinds of details and create different emotional effects. Choosing to write in the first person, using the pronoun I, may bring your readers closer to your experience. The third-person limited point of view gives your writing less of a personal feel. The third-person omniscient point of view allows you to show the same event or person from many different angles.
If you're describing a person—for example, your best friend—you might write from the first-person point of view: I was glad to be able to attend the concert, which was sure to be a record-breaking event. As I watched, thousands upon thousands of people streamed into the park, lugging hampers. . . . If you were to write the same passage from the third-person limited point of view, you would adhere to a single point of view, but avoid the use of the pronoun I. The concert at the park was a record-breaking event. Thousands upon thousands of concert-goers streamed into the park at six o'clock, lugging hampers and chairs. . . .
Which sentence contains an essential appositive?
My cousin Trey is the coolest of all my cousins.
Blueprint—Memories associated with places can be especially strong and vivid. Sketch a building or place that holds a special meaning for you. Label each area, and then jot down ideas that spring to mind when you remember that place. Choose your topic from among your notes. Remember that blueprints are meant to evoke memories. You shouldn't worry about accuracy and precision. Freewrite—A great way to find out what you want to write about is to just start writing. Write nonstop for five minutes. Then, review your writing, and look for repeated ideas or interesting ideas. Choose one to use as the topic for your description.
Notice how Laura Emily Goldblatt of Princeton High School, in Princeton, New Jersey, used the freewriting strategy to help her come up with a descriptive writing topic. She's honest and uninhibited. At this point, she is not concerned with grammar, spelling, or mechanics. Write It! Use the freewriting strategy to find a topic.
Prewriting: Considering Your Audience and Purpose Think about who will read your description and your purpose for writing it. What do you want your audience to feel, think, or understand when they have finished reading your description? Choose words and details that will appeal to your audience and help you to achieve your purpose for writing. Click or tap on each of the buttons. Notice how different word choices help to achieve different purposes.
Prewriting: Gathering Details Details bring a description to life. Sensory details can help your readers see, hear, smell, taste, and touch—right along with you. Use the following strategy to generate sensory details: Use All Five Senses—Sometimes, we rely so much on our eyes that we forget about our other senses. Think of what you're describing. Then, shut your eyes. What do you hear, smell, taste, and feel? Sit inside the experience for a few minutes. Next, list the other four senses, and jot down at least two details relating to each.
Publishing and Presenting: Building Your Portfolio Share your finished description with others. Here are some ideas for publishing and presenting your work. Illustration of Your Description—Illustrate your description with a drawing, sketch, photograph, or painting. Then, protect your work with a binder, and display it in the class library. Local Publication—Look through local publications to see whether your profile of a resident or your description of the county fair might find a home. Call or write to the editor for information on how to submit your work.
Publishing and Presenting: Reflecting on Your Writing Reflect on your experience of writing a description by answering these questions. Save your responses in your portfolio. What strategies for finding and narrowing a topic seem most useful to you? Explain. What advice would you give to someone who was going to write a description? Use the rubric to evaluate your work.
How does this peer conference compare to ones with which you've been involved?
Regardless of the arrangement or number of people present, peer editing involves classmates working together to help one another.
Drafting: Providing Elaboration As you draft your description, help your readers feel that they know, have seen, or have experienced your topic for themselves. One way to provide such depth in your writing is to use a technique known as depth-charging. Use Depth-Charging—When you use depth-charging, you provide explanations and examples that develop or support your observations or ideas. This strategy also helps ensure that your writing will be unified—that the details given all flow together in a logical way. To use the depth-charging strategy: Write a sentence about your topic. Identify a word or idea within that sentence to further develop, and write a sentence that does so. Identify a word or idea within the second sentence that you would like to further develop, and write a sentence that does so. Repeat the process until the paragraph is complete. Notebook Copy the depth-charging strategy into your notebook.
Review the steps of the depth-charging strategy. The illustration shows how Laura used depth-charging as she began drafting her description. She circled key words as she drafted, then wrote sentences that elaborated on those key ideas. By strongly linking ideas from one sentence to the next, depth-charging keeps descriptive paragraphs unified and focused. Write It! Use depth-charging to draft your description.
Appositives and appositive phrases rename, identify, or explain the nouns or pronouns they are near. The additional information in an appositive phrase is very useful. Imagine that you are being seated at a formal party. How do the following statements differ? Juan Rodriguez will be at your table. Juan Rodriguez, the famous writer, will be at your table. An appositive phrase is a noun or pronoun with modifiers, placed next to another noun or pronoun, in order to add information and details.
Revise Word Choice to Create a Tone Different words evoke different moods and emotions, allowing writers to create various tones, or attitudes, toward their writing subjects. You may have heard this word joke: I am strong-minded. (admiring tone) You are stubborn. (neutral tone) He is pig-headed. (critical tone) Although strong-minded, stubborn, and pig-headed all mean more or less the same thing, each word conveys a different tone, or attitude, the writer has toward I, you, and he.
Color-Coding Topic Sentences and Support—Read through your draft, and use a highlighter to call out topic sentences. Then, examine the placement of the topic sentences to be sure they are in the most logical, effective positions. Then, in another color, highlight the details that support the topic sentence. Delete or move to another paragraph any details that do not support the topic sentence.
Revising Your Sentences Add Descriptive Details to Your Sentences—Read through the sentences in your description, and add descriptive details, where necessary, to further explain, identify, or describe your topic. Descriptive details may include vivid nouns and verbs, adjectives and adverbs, quotations, and figurative language.
Circling and Replacing Words to Create a Tone—Read through your description, and circle words or passages that don't adequately convey your attitude. Use a dictionary, thesaurus, or your own memory to locate two or three synonyms or equivalent phrases. Then, make the choice that best projects the tone you intend. Think About It When creating a tone, certain words enable you to create an attitude. What is the difference between using the word ecstatic and using the more matter-of-fact word pleased?
Revising: Peer Review Share Responses—Show your revised work to a group of peers, asking them to read your description carefully with an open mind. Then, ask them the following questions: Did I use enough sensory language and descriptive details to describe my subject fully? Explain. Was my point of view consistent and appropriate? Explain. What dominant impression did the description leave? If your classmates understood your work differently from the way you intended, consider revising your draft to better achieve your original purpose.
Revising Your Paragraphs Revise for Impact and Unity—Read through your description, and locate topical paragraphs—paragraphs that are organized around a topic sentence. Check to be sure that your topic sentence is placed effectively within the paragraph. Also, check to be sure that each sentence in your paragraph supports its topic sentence. A topic sentence may appear anywhere in the paragraph: at the beginning, in the middle, or at the end. The topic sentence may create different effects on the reader, depending on its position within the paragraph.
Topic Sentence as Opener The twentieth century will be known as the Information Age. The advent of the radio, television, fax machine, business and personal computers, and the Internet all serve to share information and speed its transmission. Via television satellites, we watch wars unfold before our eyes, and vast stores of knowledge are a mouse click away on the Internet. Topic Sentence as Closer The advent of the radio, television, fax machine, business and personal computers, and the Internet all serve to share information and speed its transmission. Via television satellites, we watch wars unfold before our eyes, and vast stores of knowledge are a mouse click away on the Internet. In fact, the twentieth century will be known as the Information Age.
hearing
crickets singing a duet with the wind
touch
the crushed leaves between our fingers
sight
the soft glow of the fire's embers
taste
the sugary sweetness of roasted marshmallows
smell
the tang of smoke in the air
Description I In this section, we have learned the following: Choose an unusual point of view, sketch a blueprint, or freewrite to generate topics. Make a sketch of the person, place, or event you are describing to help bring details into focus and to help narrow your topic. Choose words and details that will appeal to your audience and help you achieve your purpose for writing. Generate sensory details to help your readers see, hear, smell, taste, and touch what you are describing. Choose a point of view that will give you access to the details you need to create the desired emotional effects in your readers. Use depth charging to provide explanations and examples that develop your observations or ideas. Description II In this section, we have learned the following: Revise to insure that the details in your description work together to shape a dominant impression. Make sure the topic sentence is placed effectively within topical paragraphs. Add descriptive details where necessary to further explain, identify, or describe your topic. Revise your word choices to create various tones toward your subject. Share your revised work with a group of peers for peer review. Check that you have correctly punctuated appositives and appositive phrases correctly. Consider illustrating your description and submitting it to a local publication.
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