Exam 4 Chapter 15 Close Relationships
If the relationship progresses beyond these first impressions, partners enter the value stage:
-in which they share their attitudes and beliefs (about religion and sex, for example). This stage helps them to decide whether they are sufficiently compatible to continue the relationship. It is generally only later, after partners have been committed to each other for a while, that they begin communicating about their roles, meaning their attitudes and plans when it comes to major life tasks such as parenting and establishing a career. Research suggests that these stages are not really that discrete or orderly (e.g., Brehm, 1992).
passionate love loses steam
A final reason satisfaction declines during the first years of marriage is that passionate love—that burning desire for each other that makes life so blissful and exciting—tends to diminish over time (Sprecher & Regan, 1998; Tucker & Aron, 1993) Only two years after tying the knot, spouses express affection about half as often as they did when they first wed (Huston & Chorost, 1994). This may be one reason that, across the globe, divorces occur most frequently in the fourth year of marriage, when married couples complain that the "magic" has died (Fisher, 1995).
Many other kinds of relationships lack one or more component, but can still be meaningfully experienced as love.
A relationship with only passion is an infatuation; there is strong attraction and arousal, but the partner is not well known and there is no commitment to a relationship. Intimacy alone can characterize a close acquaintanceship or friendship. Commitment alone is labeled by Sternberg as empty love. There is investment in maintaining the relationship, but there is no sharing and no passion. This sometimes occurs in older couples for whom the passion and even the sense of liking for the partner is no longer there, but out of habit, familiarity, or fear of being alone, commitment persists. The relationship still helps the individual feel secure, but there is no growth or stimulation. The combination of passion and intimacy is labeled romantic, or passionate, love. People are in love and share knowledge of each other but haven't made a real commitment to sustaining the relationship over time. Romantic love often is a step toward consummate love, but in some cases that commitment is never made. The combination of passion and commitment is called fatuous love and is exemplified by young adults who have developed a strong infatuation and jump to the commitment of marriage before they really know each other well. These kinds of relationships often don't turn out well because, lacking intimacy, partners don't know what they are getting into. Each partner will tend to idealize the other, but over time they may encounter less-than-ideal surprises as they get to know each other better. Finally, the combination of intimacy and commitment without passion is companionate love, a kind of love not uncommon in very long-term romantic relationships. Stimulation and sexual attraction have died out, but the positive feelings, sharing, and commitment have remained strong. Though passion in relationships does tend to diminish somewhat in intensity over time, it still can be found in many long-standing relationships (Acevedo & Aron, 2009; Acker & Davis, 1992). If consummate love is the ideal, keeping passion alive over the long haul is one of the biggest challenges of long-term relationships, and something we will address later in the chapter.
Social exchange model:
An economic perspective that assumes that people approach relationships with an underlying motivation of self-interest. relationships have value when both people perceive that they have more to gain than to lose from being in a partnership. The benefits of a relationship can be financial, emotional, sexual, and social. But entering into any relationship also carries certain costs that need to be negotiated along the way. Critics of the social exchange model have said, "No!" They point out that the social exchange model does not explain the sense of fairness that is so important in our relationships (Clark & Mills, 1979; Fiske, 1991).
rose colored lenses
Another reason that people in a new romantic relationship often believe that they have found the perfect partner is that they perceive their new partner through rose-colored lenses. People all over the world want to have a romantic partner who is warm and trustworthy, loyal and passionate, attractive and exciting, and smart and competent (Tran et al., 2008). What we usually end up with, however, is someone with less than the total package.
Low Avoidance/High Anxiety: Anxious-ambivalent Adults
Anxious-ambivalent (or preoccupied) individuals tend to have a negative view of themselves (i.e., low self-esteem) but a positive view of others. They have short, intense relationships but with many emotional highs and lows (Hazan & Shaver, 1987), featuring frequent feelings of passion, jealousy, anger, and smothering (e.g., Davis et al., 2004; Shaver et al., 2005). They tend to fall in love very easily but at the same time are skeptical of how long love can last, and are dissatisfied with the attentiveness of romantic partners. They give affection according to their own needs as opposed to being responsive to the needs of their relationship partners. Not surprisingly, they also use and see sex differently. Like many aspects of relationships for these individuals, sex can become riddled with anxiety. The more attachment anxiety men have, the older they are when they first have sex, and they have less frequent intercourse and fewer partners (Feeney et al., 1993; Gentzler & Kerns, 2004). But among anxious-ambivalent women, greater attachment anxiety predicts higher likelihood of having sex, earlier age at first intercourse, and less exclusivity in partners (Cooper et al., 1998). In part this is because such women succumb to pressures to have sex (Gentzler & Kerns, 2004) and use sex to avoid partner disapproval and to reassure themselves of their self-worth (Cooper et al., 2006).
Studies have supported the idea that romantic partners enhance people's self-worth and validate their worldviews.
Aron and colleagues (1995) tracked people who did and did not fall in love over time. One of their findings was that people who fell in love showed an increase in self-esteem. And even more directly, studies show that thinking of our mortality leads us to be more committed to lovers who positively regard us and make us feel good about ourselves. In addition, when participants were reminded of death, the more highly committed they were to the relationship, the more positively they viewed their romantic partners, and the more positively they felt that their romantic partners viewed them (Cox & Arndt, 2012).
sore spots are revealed
As the relationship grows, partners reveal more and more of themselves to each other. Although opening up to another person can be very exciting (Archer & Cook, 1986; Taylor et al., 1981), it also means that partners know a lot of not-so-pleasant information about each other, including their secrets, foibles, and weaknesses. This means that when conflict occurs, our romantic partners have at their disposal an entire arsenal of emotional weaponry that they can use to tease us, wound us, and threaten us in ways others can't. In fact, even if partners do not intend to cause each other harm, their access to this sensitive information suggests that they can, sooner or later, accidently reveal our secrets (Petronio et al., 1989), hurt our feelings (Kowalski, 2003), or embarrass us in public (Miller, 1996)
How is it, then, that we can be satisfied with the partner we're with?
As you'll remember from our discussion of cognitive dissonance theory (chapter 6), after a person has made a choice between alternatives that are similar in attractiveness, the nagging doubt that she made the wrong choice creates an uncomfortable feeling of dissonance. To reduce dissonance, people often exaggerate the positive qualities of the alternative they chose and, at the same time, exaggerate the negative qualities of the alternative they did not choose.
-attachment theory: infancy and childhood
Attachment theory posits that the prototypic experience of love is the young child's bond with the primary caretaker, typically the child's mother. When infants feel close to an available and responsive attachment figure, they feel comfort and reassurance. Bowlby proposed that when parents are responsive and supportive, they provide a safe haven when the child is fearful and a secure base from which the child can venture forth, explore, and grow. From the perspective of attachment theory, we seek and maintain love for significant others to garner a sense of support, comfort, relief, trust, and security, particularly when we are confronted with threats from the outside world or distressing thoughts and emotions (e.g., Mikulincer et al., 2001).
Romantic love
Attesting to the importance of romantic love, studies have found that when asked to name the person they felt closest to, the most popular choice was one's romantic partner (e.g., Berscheid et al., 1989). Romantic love is often portrayed as inspiring great feelings of joy and wholeness (e.g., Pope, 1980). At the same time, romantic love has also been described as a madness or a disease and a cause of great suffering, pain, and discord (Pope, 1980). And indeed, when love is unrequited or romantic relationships don't work out, it can lead to stalking, abuse, murder, and suicide (e.g., Daly & Wilson, 1988; Fisher, 2004).
Schachter's Two Factor Theory: Love as an Emotion
Berscheid and Walster (1974) applied Schachter's (1964) two factor theory of emotion to understanding love as a felt emotion. As you'll recall from chapter 5, Schachter's theory proposed that emotions partly consist of physiological arousal and a label for that arousal based on cues present when the arousal is being felt. As applied to love (and lust), this theory suggests that when an individual is aroused, in the presence of a member of the appropriate sex, and in a context that cultural learning suggests is romantic, the individual may very well label that arousal as love. One interesting implication of the two factor theory is that cultures direct when and with whom the label love is most likely to be applied to arousal that occurs in the presence of another person.
Regarding what to do about love, many contemporary cultures, such as the United States and Japan, consider love a primary basis for deciding whom to marry.
But in some cultures, such as those prevalent in many parts of India and Pakistan, marriages are arranged; in fact, basing a marriage on love is considered inappropriate and foolhardy (Levine et al., 1995). Even in European cultures, until well into the 19th century, love generally was not considered a basis for marriage (e.g., Coontz, 2005; Finkel et al., 2014). Rather, marriage was a pragmatic arrangement that served social and economic goals of the bride's and groom's families. Rubin (1973) noted that many Western ideas about romantic love developed out of medieval concepts of courtly love. This kind of love was considered likely only between people who weren't married, often between a man and a woman who became his mistress.
Combinations of Attachment Styles and Long-term Relationships
Clearly the best bet for a stable and satisfying long-term relationship is for both members of a couple to have a secure attachment style (e.g., Kane et al., 2007; Senchak & Leonard, 1992; Shaver & Mikulincer, 2010; Simpson, 1990). Other combinations of attachment styles yield less mutual satisfaction and stability, with one interesting exception. Over a four-year period, Kirkpatrick and Davis (1994) found that anxious women and avoidant men had relationships as stable as those of secure couples, although far less satisfying. Kirkpatrick and Davis suggested that this is because women who are highly invested in relationships and men who are distant and less invested fit the prevailing gender stereotypes. In these relationships, the women put up with the men and vice versa, even though neither of them is very satisfied. In fact, some studies of heterosexual couples have found that women's dissatisfaction increases the more avoidant their male partners are, whereas men's dissatisfaction increases the more anxious their female partners are (e.g., Collins & Read, 1990; Kane et al., 2007).
REVIEW Closeness in relationships involves knowledge, caring, interdependence, mutuality, trust, and commitment.
Closeness in relationships -Relationships feel the closest when they include all six components, but they can exist to varying degrees when only some are in place. Parasocial relationships -Parasocial relationships are those in which, for example, fans feel close to a fictional character or media personality. The importance of close relationships -Relationships have practical benefits, such as sharing responsibilities. -They also are the basis of emotional support.
How do we know that this decline in satisfaction is related to the stress of having and raising children?
Cohabitating couples without children do not show the same dip in satisfaction as their heterosexual, child-raising counterparts (Kurdek, 2008). In fact, same-sex couples who have children also report a decline in relationship satisfaction (Ducharme & Kollar, 2012). Second, parents report a small but reliable increase in marital satisfaction once their children have grown up and left the nest (Gorchoff et al., 2008). And you thought your parents were devastated when you went away to college!
love and brain activation
Consistent with the energy, desire, and ecstasy that accompanies love, when people in love contemplate their beloved, there is increased activation of the dopamine-rich ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus, two areas of the brain associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure (e.g., Aron et al., 2005; Fisher, 2004).
One of the interesting aspects of the interdependence theory of relationship commitment is that it highlights how an individual can be relatively satisfied in a relationship and invest a great deal in it but still decide to leave if he or she suspects there are better alternatives.
Conversely, some individuals might decide to stay in a relationship, not because they are especially satisfied, but because they don't see any other better options out there. This helps to explain why people will sometimes stay in relationships that to any outside observer look rather bleak and may even involve abuse. Research has supported this explanation. For example, a study by Rusbult (1983) that followed couples over a seven-month period found that those who stayed together experienced increased costs (e.g., time, effort, loss of freedom) but increased rewards as well (e.g., satisfaction, pleasure). But for couples who broke up, the rewards did not increase as much as the costs did, the alternatives became more appealing, and so commitment declined.
REVIEW
Differences in romantic commitment -Historical differences in the United States and cultural differences across the world suggest that love is not always the central basis of marriage. -In collectivist cultures, family considerations have more influence on choice of marriage partners than in individualist cultures. Culture and similarity in friendship -Differences in individualist and collectivist cultures affect whether or not similarity is important in a friendship. -People in collectivist cultures may be constrained by norms and obligations, feeling less free to form friendships, and so are less likely to rely on similarity.
Self disclosure
During this initial stage of a relationship, people engage in varying degrees of self-disclosure, sharing information about themselves. Self-disclosure plays a key role in the formation and maintenance of close relationships and in the intimacy developed between two people. When people first meet, they usually engage in small talk, superficial forms of self-disclosure that generally go no deeper than the weather or where they are from. If both find these initial encounters rewarding, they tend to open up, communicating about a broader range of topics and revealing deeper, more intimate information about themselves (Altman & Taylor, 1973).
theories of romantic love
From an evolutionary perspective, love may be advantageous because it generally helps us focus on courting and mating with a single individual at a time. This focus conserves energy and motivates lengthy pair bonding, which aids a couple's effective raising of their offspring (e.g., Fisher, 2004).
Terror management theory is highly compatible with attachment theory in its focus on how children develop security and how that sets the stage for adults' bases of psychological security.
From this theoretical perspective, romantic partners help each other manage the threat of mortality by giving life meaning and reinforcing self-worth (Kosloff et al., 2010; Solomon et al., 1991). Thus, even in situations in which a person faces no immediate threat to her survival, the knowledge that life is fragile and destined to end—a fact made salient, for example, by media reports of the attacks of September 11—helps fuel feelings of love by driving people to cling to close relationships for security.
Working models of relationships:
Global feelings about the nature and worth of close relationships and other people's trustworthiness. global feelings about the nature and worth of close relationships and other people's trustworthiness and ability to provide warmth and security (Baldwin et al., 1996; Collins & Read, 1994; Pietromonaco & Barrett, 2000). These working models of relationships, which originate early in life, become our style of attachment, stable patterns in the way we think about and behave in our adult relationships (Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Shaver & Hazan, 1993).
partners have unrealistic expectations
Good relationships demand a great deal more work and sacrifice than is typically portrayed in movies and on greeting cards. If a couple weds with unrealistically high expectations about the magic of marriage, they can feel cheated and disappointed later on, even if their relationship is healthy according to objective criteria (Amato et al., 2007). As we mentioned when discussing social exchange, satisfaction in close relationships depends on how well the partners' current outcomes match their comparison level—the outcomes they expected to have when they married.
Research shows that although specific conceptions of love vary somewhat from culture to culture, love seems to exist in the vast majority of cultures, and perhaps all of them.
In a survey of cultures around the globe, anthropologists found clear evidence of romantic love in 147 out of 166 cultures (Jankowiak & Fischer, 1992). What about the 19 cultures without evidence of romantic love? In these cultures, this aspect of people's lives was not necessarily absent but had not been studied (Fisher, 2006).
Differences between individualistic and collectivistic cultures shape the way people view intimate commitments.
In collectivistic cultures, family considerations and opinion have a much stronger influence than they do in individualistic cultures in determining whom people decide to marry, as well as whether or not they stay in the relationship (Dion & Dion, 1996). Chinese students are more likely to report family disapproval as an obstacle to marriage than are U.S. students. In China, judgments about whether the partner will support one's parents are more important factors in decisions to marry and stay together than in the United States (Zhang & Kline, 2009).
15 A.2 This thing called love
In its most general sense, love is a strong, positive feeling we have toward someone or some thing we care deeply about (e.g., Berscheid, 2006). The object of our love is of great value to us. We feel possessive toward it, and if it is a living being, we usually want the love object to love us back. Indeed, in the romantic context, unrequited love causes damage to self-esteem and hostility in the rebuffed lover and guilt in the nonreciprocating beloved (Baumeister et al., 1993).
Terror management theory also contributes to understanding the desire for and love of one's children, as children can be one way to feel that a part of the self lives on beyond one's own death.
In line with this account, research shows that death reminders increase desire for offspring among Dutch, German, and Chinese individuals (Fritsche et al., 2007; Wisman & Goldenberg, 2005; Zhou et al., 2008). Furthermore, for young married adults without children, death reminders increase positive thoughts of parenthood, and thinking about becoming parents reduces the accessibility of death-related thoughts (Yaakobi et al., 2014).
Sandra Murray and her colleagues have shown that people who idealize their romantic partners are more satisfied and feel stronger love and trust (Murray & Holmes, 1993, 1997; Murray et al., 2000; Neff & Karney, 2002).
In one study ( Murray et al., 1996), married couples and dating partners were asked to rate themselves and their partners on their positive and negative qualities. They also were asked to indicate how satisfied they were in the relationship. Idealization was measured by the participants' tendency to overestimate their partner's positive qualities and underestimate their faults, compared with the partner's ratings of him- or herself. The more participants idealized their romantic partners, the more satisfied they were in the relationship.
Love and Death
In the weeks following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, Americans showed an increased tendency to solidify their close relationships, express more commitment, spend more time with family and friends, and seek more intimate sexual encounters with their romantic partners (e.g., Ai et al., 2009). Various newspapers and magazines such as Newsweek also reported similar trends in the wake of the Oklahoma City bombing in 1995 and Hurricane Katrina in 2005, as well as among military units facing more combat and higher levels of violence (e.g., Mitchell, 2009). Why?
15 E Long term relationships: understanding those that dissolve and those that thrive
Most estimates put the divorce rate in the United States at nearly 50%, meaning that almost half of all marriages don't last "so long as you both shall live." Depending on the source, this divorce rate is at, or at least near, the highest of most industrialized countries. Moreover, the estimate climbs to between 65% and 75% for second marriages and even higher for third marriages. These figures are troubling, given that stable and fulfilling marriages are associated with better physical and mental health, better educational attainment, and economic achievement for both parents and children (Kiecolt-Glaser & Newton, 2001). This is also true of same-sex marriages (Ducharme & Kollar, 2012). Divorce, on the other hand, is linked to a number of negative outcomes, not the least of which is risk of early death. Divorced people are at a 23% greater risk for all causes of mortality (Sbarra et al., 2011), though it is important to note that these data do not permit a causal inference that divorce causes death. It may be that people who are likely to get divorced also have some characteristic that is likely to contribute to their dying earlier.
The equity formula looks like this, with "O" standing for outcomes and "I" standing for inputs:
O/I FOR SELF = O/I FOR PARTNER
The self-expansion model also posits that the experience of self-expanding in relationships adds pleasure and excitement to relationships (Aron & Aron, 2006).
On the basis of this idea, Aron and colleagues proposed that early in relationships, during the "honeymoon period," people are getting to know each other. This stimulates a great deal of rapid self-expansion and consequent exhilaration. Over time, however, the self-expanding aspect of a relationship tends to slow down as the relationship falls into routine. The challenge then is to keep the process of mutual self-expansion going over the long haul
Over the years researchers have specified two dimensions of attachment feelings that underlie these styles of attachment (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991; Brennan et al., 1998).
One dimension is referred to as attachment-related anxiety. When someone is high in attachment anxiety, he or she is overly concerned with whether the partner is attentive and responsive. The other dimension is labeled attachment-related avoidance and refers to a reluctance to depend on others. People can be high or low in either or both dimensions
Why do people care so deeply about forming and maintaining close relationships, given how costly they can be?
One rather obvious answer to this question is that, despite their potential costs, close relationships have many practical benefits, meaning that they facilitate our day-to-day activities. Also, when we are distressed because we face a problem that is difficult to understand, others can provide much-needed advice and consolation. Indeed, when people are in situations in which something threatening is about to happen (e.g., electric shocks), they are especially desirous of contact with others, particularly those who are facing a similar threat (Schachter, 1959) or, even more so, who have already dealt with it (Kulik et al., 1994).
A second interesting implication of this approach is that the real source of the arousal doesn't always matter, as long as it is labeled attraction or love.
One set of studies supporting this idea was conducted by Dutton and Aron (1974). In one of their studies, adult males were interviewed on one of two bridges over the Capilano River in British Columbia by an attractive female interviewer or a male interviewer. One bridge was a very wide, safe bridge, only 10 feet over a small rivulet. The other bridge was a wobbly, narrow 450-foot suspension bridge over a 230-foot gorge, with shallow rapids below. Dutton and Aron assumed that the narrow bridge over the deep drop would generate some physiological arousal because of the possibility of danger (and perhaps also the spectacular setting), whereas the small footbridge would not. Applying the two factor theory, they thus proposed that men interviewed over the scary bridge by the female interviewer would attribute some of their arousal to their feelings of attraction to and perhaps romantic interest in her. They therefore predicted that men would be more attracted to the female interviewer if the setting was the scary bridge than if it was the safe bridge. Dutton and Aron used two clever dependent variables to test this idea. First, while on the bridge, the interviewer showed the interviewees an ambiguous picture of a young woman covering her face with one hand and reaching out with the other and asked them to write a brief story about it. Dutton and Aron had the stories coded for sexual content. They expected more sexual content in the stories by the men who were interviewed by the female over the scary bridge. Second, they had the interviewer give the interviewees her phone number in case they wanted to learn more about the study. Dutton and Aron figured that if the scary bridge interviewees were more attracted to the female interviewer, they would be more likely to call her. Both hypotheses were supported. The scary bridge interviewees made more calls and wrote more sexual stories. For example, 50% of these interviewees called, whereas only about 20% called in the other three conditions (male interviewer, safe bridge).
why does this happen?
Part of the reason for this dwindling of romance is that, over time, what was novel becomes less so. The sheer novelty of new love makes the partners especially arousing and exciting (Foster et al., 1998). Partners may continue to view each other with affection and sexual interest but the intensity of the arousal—a principal ingredient in passionate love—inevitably diminishes somewhat (Acker & Davis, 1992). the average couple has intercourse less and less frequently over the course of their marriage. In fact, some married couples have so little sex after age 50 that the researchers made a separate line just for married couples who have sex at least once a month (Call et al., 1995). Couldn't this decline occur simply because the spouses are getting older? Although advancing age is indeed a factor, evidence also shows that people who remarry (and thus experience the novelty of a new partner) increase their frequency of intercourse, at least for a while (Call et al., 1995).
Low Avoidance/Low Anxiety: Securely Attached Adults
Participants who are securely attached are low in both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. They tend to report the longest-lasting, most satisfying romantic relationships. They believe that love can endure, and they tend to be self-confident and trusting of others. They recall having warm relationships with both of their parents while growing up. Moreover, securely attached people are generally psychologically well adjusted (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). When their relationship partners need care or comfort, they are very responsive in providing it. Also, securely attached people react less negatively than insecurely attached people to unflattering feedback from their partners (Collins & Feeney, 2004). Those with a more secure attachment style are also more comfortable with their sexuality and generally enjoy sex (Tracy et al., 2003). But this does not mean they will jump into the sack with anybody and at any opportunity. They are also more likely to have sex within a committed relationship (Feeney et al., 1993) and to see sex as a way to enhance intimacy in the relationship and express their love for their partners (Cooper et al., 2006).
Self-expansion model of relationships:
The idea that romantic relationships serve the desire to expand the self and grow. The self-expansion model proposes that a central human motive is the desire to expand the self and that loving another person is an important way to do so (Aron et al., 2001).
High Avoidance/High or Low Anxiety: Avoidantly Attached Adults
Participants who report higher levels of avoidance tend to have shorter relationships that lack intimacy (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). They don't believe love endures, are fearful of closeness, and lack trust in romantic partners. They seem not to want to get much from their romantic relationships, are emotionally distant, and tend to ignore their partners' needs for care and intimacy (e.g., Collins & Feeney, 2000). They recall their mothers as being cold and rejecting. People who are high in attachment avoidance show yet another profile of sexual behavior. They are more likely to delay having sex, and when they do, they do so in contexts that limit intimacy, such as having more casual as well as solitary sex (Cooper et al., 1998). This is partly because avoidant people tend to use sex to affirm their desirability and to cope with negative emotions, rather than to seek pleasure or enhance intimacy. Avoidant styles can come in one of two forms (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1990). High levels of avoidance can be paired with high levels of anxiety (i.e., a fearful avoidant style) and reflect negative views of both self and of others. So the fearfully avoidant person doesn't feel worthy, doesn't trust others, and fears rejection. High levels of avoidance can also be paired with low levels of anxiety. Those with this dismissive avoidant attachment style tend to show a positive view of the self but a negative view of others. Dismissive avoidant people are more self-satisfied and appear not to need closeness with others. They hide their vulnerability, deny their desire for intimacy, and tend to be sexually promiscuous (Gjerde et al., 2004; Mikulincer et al., 2004).
Close relationships are also characterized by a high degree of mutuality:
Partners acknowledge that their lives are intertwined, and they think of themselves as a couple ("us") instead of two separate individuals ("me" and "you") (Fitzsimons & Kay, 2004; Levinger & Snoek, 1972).
Sternberg's Triangular Model of Love
Passionate love involves an emotionally intense and erotic desire to be absorbed in another person. Companionate love is believed to better characterize older couples who have been together a long time. There is still great affection, trust, and a sense that the relationship is important, but passion is much diminished or absent.
Parasocial relationships:
People can feel surprisingly close to others whom they've never met face to face, and even to others who do not exist outside the world of fiction. We're referring, of course, to people's relationships with those in the media: celebrities, television characters, talk-show hosts, athletes, and fictional characters in soap operas and novels. para-social relationships lack interdependency: Media personalities influence fans' lives, but fans do not normally influence the personalities' lives. parasocial relationships usually include three components of closeness: Fans believe that they know the media personalities, they care what happens to them, and they are committed to following and supporting them. Merely bringing to mind a favorite television program buffers people from feeling rejected when their real relationships are threatened (Derrick et al., 2009). What's more, a parasocial breakup, such as when a favorite television character is killed off or otherwise taken off the air, can be as emotionally distressing as that of a real relationship (Cohen, 2004; Giles, 2002).
Historical Differences in Long-term Commitment
People hook up more frequently without any expectation of a long-term commitment (Paul et al., 2000). Fewer people are getting married than ever before, and those who do wait longer to marry (Popenoe & Whitehead, 2007). More and more couples are living together, even when they're not married (Bramlett & Mosher, 2002). People are increasingly having or adopting babies out of wedlock (Popenoe & Whitehead, 2007). In fact, after steadily rising for five decades, the number of children born to unmarried women has crossed a critical threshold: More than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside of marriage. This is especially true for those who don't go to college and among African Americans: 73% of Black children are born outside marriage, compared with 53% of Latino children and 29% of White children. In the United States, relationships in which couples have children are more than twice as likely to dissolve if they are not married than if they are. In one study, two thirds of cohabitating couples split up by the time their child turned 10 years old (Smock & Greenland, 2010). high school seniors now believe that it is a good idea for a couple to cohabit for a while before marriage. Yet research shows that cohabitation does not make it more likely that a subsequent marriage will be successful. If anything, cohabitation prior to marriage is associated with a greater likelihood of divorce, although the reasons for this remain unclear (Dush et al., 2003; McGinnis, 2003).
To illustrate, in one line of studies people wrote about their partner's greatest fault (Murray & Holmes, 1993, 1999).
People judged their partner's faults to be less important than outside observers judged them to be. Also, they focused on the bright side of their partner's faults. For example, a woman might write that although her boyfriend got upset easily, that behavior reflected his exceptionally passionate and vivacious personality. Similarly, people offered "yes, but" interpretations of their partner's faults—that is, they recognized their partner's faults but focused on the positive repercussions. For example, a man might write that, yes, his fiancée does not help with household chores, but at least that gives her more time to pursue her yoga career, which is probably more important. Related research shows that people perceive their partner's faults as affecting the relationship less than the partner's many positive qualities (Neff & Karney, 2003).
In addition to causing an emotional upheaval, a breakup can also jar our sense of who we are, blurring our sense of self and ultimately instigating a redefinition of our self-concept.
Research by Slotter and colleagues (2010) found that when people recalled or imagined a breakup, they reported changes in their self-concept and reduced self-concept clarity. This is reflected in the language that people use to talk about breakups. One study, for example, examined what people wrote in their online diaries and blogs. Unlike with other life disruptions such as a career change, those who experienced a breakup used more words connoting confusion ("bewildered," "uncertain") when describing how they thought of themselves. This lack of self-concept clarity plays a key role in the reduced well-being that people experience after a breakup. Over a six-month window, the more self-concept confusion people experienced, the more distress they experienced (Mason et al., 2012). This kind of dynamic occurs, for example, when the person reflects back and says something such as "Now that I'm not with Carol, I just don't know who I am anymore."
Attachment Style, Genes, and Parental Caregiving One issue concerns the extent to which a child's temperament and genetic inheritance contribute to the attachment style he or she develops (Kagan, 1994).
Research findings on this issue are mixed. Some studies have found that genes have a negligible influence (e.g., Bokhorst et al., 2003). Other research suggests that DNA associated with low dopamine levels is linked to high levels of attachment anxiety, and DNA associated with low serotonin levels is linked to high levels of attachment avoidance (Gillath et al., 2008). This latter work suggests that about 20% of variability in attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance may result from genetic factors. Clearly, though, as attachment theory proposes, the primary determinant of attachment style is how attachment figures interact with the child (e.g., Fraley, 2002; Main, 1995; Waller & Shaver, 1994). In one particularly ambitious study, Dymphna van den Boom (1994) showed that when a random half of mothers of temperamentally difficult 6-month-old infants were trained for three months in sensitive responding to the child, by 12 months of age, 62% of the infants were securely attached, whereas only 22% of the children whose parents weren't so trained exhibited secure attachment. And a follow-up study found that the children whose mothers had received training were still benefiting from it at age 3 (van den Boom, 1995).
REVIEW Social scientists have focused research primarily on romantic love.
Romantic love -Early research distinguished between liking and loving. -Loving typically involves intense caring, intimacy, and a deep emotional investment. Culture and love -The experience of romantic love is partly shaped by culture. -But it is a basic, likely universal aspect of human experience. Theories of why love exists -Attachment theory proposes that most people seek security from their romantic relationships much as they once did from their parents. -The nature of that original child-parent bond affects the nature of subsequent adult close relationships. -Terror management theory suggests that love and close relationships help us to buffer the dread of being aware of our mortality. -The self-expansion model of relationships suggests that love relationships often are valuable paths to personal growth. Models define the experience of love -The two factor theory posits that love is partly a label we apply to feelings of arousal on the basis of contextual cues. -The triangular model of love suggests that love is based on combinations of three basic components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Social psychologists began focusing on love with Zick Rubin's seminal 1973 book Liking and Loving
Rubin developed scales to distinguish feelings of liking, which characterize many types of relationships, from feelings of love, which characterize romantic relationships. Rubin assessed positive evaluations of, and perceived similarity to, another person as the core of liking, but attachment, caring, and intimacy as the key aspects of romantic love. In support of the validity of his love scale, Rubin found that the higher people scored on love, the more they thought marriage to their partner was likely, the more eye contact they made when with their romantic partner, and the more the relationship had progressed in intensity six months later (Rubin, 1973). Since the development of Rubin's scale, researchers have developed a variety of other love scales, often tapping particular types or aspects of romantic love (e.g., Hatfield & Sprecher, 1986; Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986).
Using the logic of the social exchange model, we can describe people's satisfaction with their current relationship in a formal equation:
SATISFACTION = (REWARDS - COSTS) - COMPARISON LEVEL
Along with naturalistic observation of infants and their mothers in their homes, Mary Ainsworth developed a set of strange situation tests to examine the early attachment bond between mothers and their children (Ainsworth & Bell, 1970). Through this research, Ainsworth and colleagues were able to demonstrate the role of attachment in providing young children with psychological security. They were also able to establish three major forms of attachment that are associated with particular patterns of child-maternal interaction (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Secure attachment style. In the initial version of the strange situation test, a mother and her nearly one-year-old child enter an unfamiliar room with toys and chairs. After a short time, a female stranger enters the room and sits down. The mother eventually leaves for a few minutes, and then returns. In the typical case, the child is attentive to her mother but then happily turns to exploring the toys. When the stranger enters, the child exhibits distress and relieves that distress by returning to her mother. When the mother leaves, distress returns. When the mother returns, the child greets her, becomes relaxed, and resumes exploring the toys. The mother is a secure base for the child's explorations and play. About 60% of the children displayed this form of secure attachment. The other 40% of the children were split about evenly between two insecure attachment styles. Anxious-ambivalent attachment style. Children who exhibit the anxious-ambivalent attachment style are overly clingy while the mom is there, but they do explore the toys. When the mom leaves the room, they cry and protest. When she returns, they seem angry and resistant (ambivalent) and have difficulty calming down and returning to play with the toys. Parents of these anxious-ambivalent children tend to be very inconsistent, fluctuating between unresponsive and overly intrusive. Avoidant attachment style. Children who exhibit the avoidant attachment style are not very affectionate with the mom there. They play with the toys but not very enthusiastically. When the mother leaves, they show little distress, and when she returns, they often turn away or avoid her. Parents of avoidant children tend to reject or deflect the child's bids for comfort and closeness. Subsequent research has confirmed this general distribution of what now are known as attachment styles. For example, Campos and colleagues (1983) found that among American samples, 62% of infants were secure, 23% were avoidant, and 15% were anxious-ambivalent.
REVIEW Relationships change over time in common ways.
Self-disclosure -Partners share information about themselves gradually, so it may take a long time for some fundamental differences to emerge. Rose-colored lenses? -Early on, the romantic partner may be idealized. -This may lead to disappointment unless one is aware of—and interprets positively—all the partner's range of qualities. Adjusting to interdependency -As independence evolves into interdependence, conflict may arise. -Adjusting to interdependence creates a firmer footing for the relationship. Marital satisfaction? -On average, marital satisfaction tends to decrease over time, especially after the first year and after the eighth year of marriage. The breakup -Breakups result in anger and sadness, best healed by alternative investments and self-compassion. Doomed or not? -The happiest couples start out with realistic outlooks about married life.
very relationship has its ups and downs, but so long as the ups outnumber the downs, the outcome of the relationship is generally positive.
Several studies have confirmed that people are more satisfied in a relationship to the extent that they see the benefits as outweighing the costs (Duffy & Rusbult, 1986; Rusbult, 1980, 1983; Rusbult et al., 1986; Rusbult & Martz, 1995).
Interdependence:
Situation in which what each person does significantly influences what the partner does over long periods of time. The closer people are, the more they experience interdependence.
REVIEW People evaluate relationships according to the costs and benefits to themselves and their partners.
Social exchange model -The social exchange model is based on the idea that relationship satisfaction depends on both the rewards received minus the costs, and expectations about the relationship (comparison level). Equity theory -Equity theory is based on the idea that partners look for fairness within a relationship both for themselves and for their partners. -This desire for a fair relationship may help account for people's tendency to form relationships with others of similar perceived social value.
are we all doomed, then? The processes we've described—the trials and tribulations, the inevitable decline in novelty, and so on—are normal and probably will happen to most married couples. But people can mitigate the negative impact of these processes simply by being informed of what to expect as marriage develops over time
Studies show that spouses who began their marriages with unrealistically positive expectations of marital bliss are the least satisfied with their marriages as the years tick on. Conversely, after four years of marriage, the happiest couples are those who started out with realistic outlooks about what married life would be like (McNulty & Karney, 2004). Simply by being aware of these processes and starting marriage with reasonable expectations, couples can still enjoy their relationships long after the honeymoon is over (Srivastava et al., 2006). Even in marriages where the passion has dwindled, older couples sometimes continue to express deep companionate love for each other that can keep them genuinely happy (Hecht et al., 1994; Lauer & Lauer, 1985).
You might be asking yourself, Is it really such a good idea to put our lovers up on a pedestal?
The answer hinges on just how removed from reality people's positive illusions are (Neff & Karney, 2005). If people are projecting positive qualities onto their partners that they simply don't have, then they likely are setting themselves up for disappointment (Miller, 1997). On the other hand, if people are aware of their partner's positive and negative qualities but interpret them positively, such illusions can benefit the relationship.
Culture and Love
The culture we are raised in tells us what love is like, whom we should love and when, and what we should do about love (e.g., Hatfield & Rapson, 1996; Landis & O'Shea, 2000; Rubin, 1973). To gain insight into how the nature of love is articulated, researchers examined the use of words and songs to express love in the United States and China. Although they found similar levels of passion expressed, the Chinese were more likely to incorporate suffering and sadness as part of the love experience (Rothbaum & Tsang, 1998; Shaver et al., 1992).
Equity theory:
The idea that people are motivated to maintain a sense of fairness or equity, whereby both partners feel that the proportion of outcomes (rewards) to inputs (costs) that each receives is roughly equal.
Matching phenomenon:
The idea that people seek romantic relationships with others who are similar to them in physical attractiveness. . Not-so-hot people try to connect with other not-so-hot people. It helps to ensure a certain balance of outcomes in the relationship. People generally seek and end up in romantic relationships with someone similar to them in physical attractiveness (Feingold, 1988). Granted, the exchange of relationship rewards can cross currencies: One person (more often a woman) might trade on her youth and good looks to attract a mate who can provide financial resources and security (Baumeister & Vohs, 2004).
Comparison level:
The expectation of how rewarding a relationship should be. In fact, those who believe in the idea of a soul mate are satisfied in their relationship only to the extent that they see the partner as an ideal mate (Franiuk et al., 2002, 2004; Knee, 1998).
Divorce among cultures
The fairy-tale themes of romantic bliss that pervade the Western conception of a lifelong commitment to another are much less prevalent in Chinese culture (Jackson et al., 2006). If the basis of commitment to another person is not one's own personal fulfillment, then one's own satisfaction, or lack thereof, in a relationship is not a compelling reason to get divorced. In collectivistic cultures, as long as the relationship fulfills the cultural expectation of maintaining communal cohesion and family unity, it is more likely to be maintained. This is partly how cultural psychologists explain the negative correlation between collectivism and divorce rates. In fact, this correlation appears even among U.S. states as well as among countries (Toth & Kemmelmeier, 2009; Vandello & Cohen, 1999). In India, where arranged marriages are the cultural norm, the divorce rate is around 5%, compared with the over 50% rate observed in many individualistic cultures, such as the United States.
Marital satisfaction tends to take a particularly steep dive at two points (Kurdek, 1999).
The first drop occurs within the first year of marriage; the second occurs at about the eighth year of marriage (Kovacs, 1983). The big question, of course, is what causes the decline in marital satisfaction once the honeymoon is over. Although many important factors are involved, let's focus on six important ones. 1.slacking off 2.small issues get magnified 3.sore spots are revealed 4.unwelcome surprises appear 5.partners have unrealistic expectations 6. passionate love loses steam
Recall that the social exchange model takes an economic perspective on relationships and posits that rewards, costs, and comparison level determine relationship satisfaction. Caryl Rusbult's (1983) interdependence theory expanded on the social exchange model to understand relationship commitment. interdependence theory:
The idea that satisfaction, investments, and perceived alternatives are critical in determining commitment to a particular relationship. The greater the sense of investment, the harder it is to give up and walk away on what you have begun to build together. For example, among same-sex couples, those who had a civil union were less likely to end the relationship than those who did not go through this legal process, even though before doing so there was no difference in relationship satisfaction between the groups (Balsam et al., 2004). In fact, despite often reporting less heated debates and conflict in their relationships than do heterosexuals, same-sex couples who don't go through the process of legalizing their union tend to break up more frequently (Kurdek, 2004).
Robert Sternberg's triangular model of love relationships (depicted in FIGURE 15.5) rather elegantly captures not only these two kinds of love but five others as well.
The model posits three basic components of love relationships that in different combinations describe different kinds of relationships. The components are passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion is the excitement about, sexual attraction to, and longing for the partner. Intimacy involves liking, sharing, knowing, and emotional support of the partner. Commitment is the extent to which the individual is invested in maintaining the relationship. Sternberg proposes that the ideal romantic relationship has a high level of all three components. He refers to this as consummate love. Research supports his model by showing that almost all aspects of relationships seem to fit under one of the three factors (Aron & Westbay, 1996) and that people view the ideal lover as someone high in all three factors (Sternberg, 1997).
The Enduring Influence of Attachment: Adult Romantic Relationships
The nature of this initial love relationship influences the close relationships individuals have over the course of their lives, including adult love relationships. Just as attachment to the parents is central to a child's psychological security, attachment to the romantic partner is central to psychological security for most adults (e.g., Mikulincer, 2006; Simpson et al., 1992).
anger and sadness after a breakup
The two major emotions that people experience in the face of a breakup are anger and sadness. Anger typically is pretty strong at first but diminishes somewhat quickly, whereas sadness may not be so severe initially but will diminish more slowly. Of course, the strength of these emotions depends on the importance of the relationship, the circumstances of the breakup, and how quickly the individual can accept it. Those who maintain love for the partner and are unable to accept the dissolution of the relationship recover much more slowly from these negative emotions (Sbarra, 2006). Recall our discussion of self-regulatory perseveration from chapter 5. When people stay invested in a goal, such as being with another person, that is unattainable, this perpetuates a cycle of negativity (Pyszczynski & Greenberg, 1987a). They continually confront their failed aspirations.
unwelcome surprises appear
These surprises tend to fall into two general categories. First, we can be surprised to learn the truth about things we thought we knew. One clear example of this is what are called fatal attractions (Felmlee, 2001). Qualities that we initially found attractive in the other person gradually become irritating or disappointing. Although, as we mentioned, newlyweds initially idealize each other (Murray et al., 1996), positive illusions usually wear off over time. For instance, at first you liked the fact that your partner was spontaneous and fun, but now he seems irresponsible, flaky, and childish. Or perhaps you initially celebrated your partner's high level of attention and devotion, but after a couple years you come to resent the same behavior when it seems overly possessive and clingy. Needless to say, these unexpected shifts in attitudes can take a bite out of marital satisfaction (Watson & Humrichouse, 2006). A second category of unwelcome surprises occurs when married couples discover things that they did not know or expect at all. A good example is offered by the realities of parenthood, which, along with money, is the biggest source of marital conflict (Stanley et al., 2002). Most newlyweds, if they plan to have children, presume that parenthood will be enjoyable and bring them closer to each other. But most soon discover that parenthood, though wonderful at times, takes a significant toll on their marital satisfaction. Parents often underestimate how much time their children will demand, and therefore how little time they will have to enjoy each other's company (Claxton & Perry-Jenkins, 2008). The arrival of babies increases stress, robs people of sleep, and introduces new responsibilities, thereby heightening conflict and, in turn, decreasing how satisfied partners are and even how much they love each other (Lawrence et al., 2008).
Cultural, economic, and technological changes have contributed to what Finkel and colleagues (2014) characterize as three dominant models of marriage.
They argue that from the late 1700s to the mid-1800s, marriage was geared primarily toward resolving practical concerns and meeting pragmatic goals, such as economic self-sufficiency. They refer to this model as practical marriage. From the mid-1800s to the mid-1960s, the breadwinner model dominated. During this time, a wife's labor became less essential to the household's economic self-sufficiency, and consistent with Rank's (1936a) idea that romantic love became more important in the 20th century, marriages focused more on love, passion, and intimacy. Finkel and colleagues suggest that from the mid-1960s to the present time, marriages increasingly have become a forum for trying to experience a greater sense of satisfaction from life and self-growth and actualization.
Further support for the role of romantic relationships in terror management has been provided by a series of studies conducted in Israel by Mario Mikulincer and colleagues, who noted that such relationships may be especially important for managing fear of death because they provide the same type of physical and emotional closeness we all relied on as children when scared (see Mikulincer et al., 2003).
They have found that for people in committed relationships, threats to the relationship or thoughts of being away from their partners increase the accessibility of death-related thought. In addition, reminders of mortality increase the desire for closeness in the romantic relationship. In people lacking a romantic relationship, they increase the desire to have one. Finally, thinking about a current romantic partner reduces the need for defensiveness after a reminder of death, but only for people who are securely attached. This suggests that romantic relationships help securely attached people manage their concerns about mortality, but they don't do so for those who are insecurely attached. Additional evidence suggests that insecurely attached young adults, at least, still rely on their parents, rather than their romantic partners, for existential security (Cox et al., 2008).
By observing conversations early in marriage, Gottman and Levenson (2000) have been able to forecast when these storms will hit.
They observed the conversations of newlywed couples and then tracked them over years. During the initial interview, they videotaped the couples having conversations about different topics, from a mundane catch-up on the day's events to a discussion about something good in the relationship to a discussion about a recurring issue or problem. On the high seas of marriage, two parts of the journey seem to be most treacherous: the first seven years and midlife (around 14 to 16 years), typically when couples are dealing with the stress of teenage children. On the basis of observations of thousands of couples discussing sources of marital conflict, Gottman pinpointed a cascading process in which criticism (telling the partner his or her faults) by one partner leads to contempt (making sarcastic comments about the partner or rolling one's eyes), which in turn leads to defensiveness (denying responsibility), which in turn leads to stonewalling (withdrawing or avoiding). Gottman refers to these stages as the four horsemen of the (relational) apocalypse, because their appearance strongly foreshadows the dissolution of a relationship. Fortunately, as we will see, there are ways of overcoming this cycle of relational doom. Gottman (1993) found that by looking at patterns of negative affect and contempt when discussing problems, he could predict which couples were likely to divorce in the first few years and which were more likely to divorce after about 14 years. A high level of negativity—those four horsemen—portends early divorce. In contrast, a lack of strong positive affect in couple conversations predicts divorce in the second decade of marriage. One way to account for these patterns is to think about the security and growth functions of relationships. The early divorces may be predicted by high negative affect, which disrupts the sense of security people seek from romantic relationships. A roller coaster of a relationship, one characterized by intense positivity but also intense negativity, is unlikely to provide much security, so it tends to fail in the first few years. In contrast, a lack of strong positive affect early on may lead to boredom over the long haul. Relationships lacking strong positive affect may provide little growth and stimulation after a decade of marriage.
Cindy Hazan and Phil Shaver (1987) conducted the first studies providing evidence that these attachment styles relate to adult romantic relationships.
They recruited community participants of various ages in their first study and college students in their second study. They created three descriptions of how people think and feel about getting close to others that corresponded to the secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant attachment styles established by Ainsworth. Hazan and Shaver hypothesized that if attachment theory applies to adult relationships, the percentages of people who picked one of the three different paragraphs should be similar to the percentages that Ainsworth and colleagues found with very young children. And indeed it was: Across the two studies, roughly 56% reported the secure style, 24% the avoidant style, and 20% the anxious-ambivalent style. Subsequent studies have found similar frequencies of these attachment styles (Mickelson et al., 1997).
evidence suggests both that when one falls in love and when one is in a love relationship for a decade or more, emotional dependence is pretty likely.
This is why people sometimes resort to violence when they perceive a threat to their relationship, or if it is ended (e.g., Fisher, 2004), and why people mourn, often to the point of depressive symptoms, when they lose a romantic partner (e.g., Bowlby, 1980).
Who is best able to come to terms with the dissolution of a relationship? A person's level of attachment security plays a pivotal role.
Those who are higher in attachment anxiety cling more tightly to the relationship. The hope of rekindling the extinguished flame allows the negative emotions to persist. In contrast, more securely attached people generally are better able to accept the breakup and so recover from sadness more quickly (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Aron and colleagues (1995) found that when people fell in love, their self-concept did indeed become more complex.
To assess the idea that people incorporate their partners partly into the self, Aron and colleagues (1992) developed the Inclusion of Other in the Self (IOS) Scale. As depicted in FIGURE 15.4, the scale consists of seven pairs of circles that represent varying degrees of overlap between self and partner. Individuals are asked to select the pair that best describes their relationship with their partners. This simple, one-item scale has proven very useful for assessing relationship closeness (Agnew et al., 2004). People who chose more overlapping circles have more satisfying relationships and use more plural pronouns in describing their relationship. They are also more likely to blur the line between their sense of who they are and who their partner is. After rating some traits for self and other traits for their partners, they were more likely to mistake traits they rated for self for those they rated for others (Aron & Fraley, 1999).
So what can you do to facilitate the recovery process?
We previously mentioned that recurring contact with the ex probably is not a good idea, but that engaging in alternative activities and investments is. In addition, research suggests that you also should strive to have compassion for yourself, that is, to love and appreciate yourself and be aware of your place in a shared humanity. When Dave Sbarra and colleagues (2012) studied divorcing couples, they audiotaped the participants talking about the divorce for four minutes, and later had judges rate the participants' level of self-compassion. Even this short snippet of observation was informative. The more self-compassion judges saw in the participants, the better the participants' emotional recovery in the nine months following the divorce.
positive perceptions also can motivate people to reach for the ideal with which they are perceived, and thus grow and develop in ways that are appreciated by their partners.
When Murray and colleagues (1996) followed couples over time, they found that in more satisfied relationships, the partners came to perceive themselves more as they initially were idealized to be. This may partly reflect the operation of self-fulfilling prophecies. When people hold expectations of us, we often come to act in a way that confirms those expectations. Such findings led Murray and colleagues to suggest that these illusions can be more prescient than blind.
The preference for equity in close relationships appears to be a cross-cultural universal, although the degree to which equity is achieved might vary a great deal (Aumer-Ryan et al., 2007).
When people feel that the proportion of costs to benefits is roughly equivalent for both themselves and their partners, they are more likely to have sex, fall in love, commit to a long-term relationship, and be satisfied in that relationship (Buunk & van Yperen, 1989; Sprecher, 1998; van Yperen & Buunk, 1990).
slacking off
When two people start dating, they go to a lot of trouble to be—or at least appear to be—polite and thoughtful. They suppress their burps, hold the door open, and put on makeup. But once this initial courtship phase has passed and the ink on the marriage certificate is dry, people may stop trying so hard to be consistently courteous and charming (Miller, 2001). One study showed that acts of kindness and expressions of affection dropped by half within the first two years of marriage (Huston et al., 2001).
comparison level for alternatives
When you apply the comparison level for alternatives, you are assessing whether you have other, better options than your current relationship. People may remain committed to or dependent on a dysfunctional or devolving relationship if they cannot imagine a better alternative. Current outcomes might seem bad, but perhaps being alone seems even worse. When your comparison level for alternatives is low, your commitment remains high. This relationship is consistent for both men and women (Bui et al., 1996; Le & Agnew, 2003). Over a third of marriages that end in divorce involve at least one partner having an extramarital affair (South & Lloyd, 1995). Of course, once a partner has been unfaithful, the likelihood of divorce increases (Previti & Amato, 2004).
15 A.1 What makes close relationships special?
closeness involves six components: knowledge, caring, interdependence, mutuality, trust, and commitment (Laurenceau et al., 2004; Marston et al., 1998; Parks & Floyd, 1996). Relationships that include all six of these components are the most satisfying and feel the closest to us.
after the breakup, what makes it worse and better?
in one study that followed college students for a month after they broke up, recurring contact with an ex was associated with persisting love and sadness (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). After a breakup, absence makes the heart grow less fond, and that might be exactly what you need to move on with your life. Investing in alternative pursuits, such as other relationships or challenges at school or work, can be precisely the catalyst that helps people to disengage from the failed relationship (Pyszczynski & Greenberg, 1987a).
Why? According to the 'model of relational turbulence' proposed by Solomon and Knobloch (2004)
in the early stage of a relationship there is little conflict, largely because partners are relatively independent and thus do not interfere with each other's routines or goals. But as partners make the transition from casual dating to more serious involvement in the relationship, they go through a turbulent period of adjustment and turmoil (Knobloch & Donovan-Kicken, 2006; Knobloch et al., 2007). As they spend more time together and become dependent on each other, they can start to feel that the partner is restricting their freedom and demanding too much of them. Partners start to interfere with each other's daily routines, which take up the time the partners previously devoted to the activities they enjoyed before the relationship began.
closeness is defined by a high degree of commitment:
meaning that partners invest time, effort, and resources in their relationship with the expectation that it will continue indefinitely.
positive illusions
n a similar manner, people show a powerful tendency—at least, early in a relationship—to construct idealized perceptions of their romantic partners that highlight their positive qualities and downplay their faults. They are illusions in the sense that individuals interpret facts about their partners in a more benevolent fashion than other people would (Gagné & Lydon, 2004).
small issues get magnified
people are more negatively affected by their intimate partner's cranky moods (Caughlin et al., 2000) and work-related stress (Lavee & Ben-Ari, 2007) than they are by the similar tribulations of their friends or of strangers. Another consequence of spending so much time together is that trivial annoyances can, through sheer repetition, add up to significant frustration. Just as the light tapping of a dripping faucet can drive you insane after a couple days, frequent interaction means that a partner's grating quirks gradually build up to real annoyance (Cunningham et al., 2005).
Culture and Similarity in Friendship
people from cultures all over the world are more attracted to similar than to dissimilar others. It is interesting to note, however, that the degree of similarity between friendship partners tends to be lower in East Asian societies, such as Japan, Korea, and Taiwan, than it is in North American settings (Igarashi et al., 2008; Kashima et al., 1995; Uleman et al., 2000). This is true of both actual levels of similarity and perceptions of similarity. What's more, whereas similarity plays a major role in determining relationship quality in the United States, it is much less tied to relationship quality in East Asian countries (Heine & Renshaw, 2002; Lee & Bond, 1998).
The motivation for fairness in our relationships helps to explain assortative mating:
people's tendency to seek relationships with others who are similar to them in some kind of social hierarchy. Of course, we've already noted that similarity is a key component of attraction and liking. But pairing up with those who are similar to you in social value also helps to equate partners on what rewards or resources they bring to the relationship (Hatfield & Rapson, 1993). For example, on the web site hotornot.com, people can post pictures of themselves to be rated by others on attractiveness, but they can also use this web site to contact other people to strike up conversations. Although there is strong agreement in who is rated as most attractive—and we know how much people value physical attractiveness in potential relationship partners—people still generally contact others who are similar to them in attractiveness (Lee et al., 2008),
marital satisfaction
research shows that, in most cases and even despite the partners' good intentions, the prognosis for the course of the marital relationship is not so blissful as most couples expect it will be when they tie the knot. In one of the more comprehensive studies of marital satisfaction, Huston and colleagues (2001) followed dozens of spouses who married in 1981. Relationship satisfaction steadily declined for both husbands and wives as the years ticked by (see FIGURE 15.12). It's unlikely that the married couples in this study were particularly hard to please: Other studies show a similar overall decline in ratings of marital quality (Karney & Bradbury, 2000; Kurdek, 1999). Of course, not all couples experience the same rate of decline, but most do (Kurdek, 2005).
adjusting to interdependency
romantic relationships usually start off with a rapid increase in satisfaction as partners are overtaken with the excitement and passion of new love. But soon after this initial state of bliss, most dating relationships—even those that eventually result in marriage—hit a plateau in which satisfaction levels off for a while (Eidelson, 1980)
The decision to stick with a relationship also is influenced by how well the relationship meets our psychological needs.
self-determination theory argues that people need a basic sense not just of related-ness but also of autonomy and competence. A sense of competence makes us feel secure and valued; a sense of autonomy—feeling that we're taking ownership of what we do—contributes to our growth. And when a relationship doesn't provide a sense of competence and autonomy, and thus doesn't meet these core psychological needs, it is less satisfying, and our commitment wanes (Drigotas & Rusbult, 1992; La Guardia et al., 2000).
the breakup
some estimates place the U.S. divorce rate near 50%. A much higher percentage of even serious dating relationships will ultimately come to a close. What are some of the consequences of the breakup for the individual? Even for the "dumper" as opposed to the "dumpee," a breakup often exacts a severe toll on overall well-being (Sbarra, 2006).
Stability of Attachment Style
the best way to test this stability is with a longitudinal study in which parent-child attachment style is assessed in young children and then again when the same children are adults. Such time-consuming studies have been conducted, and they generally suggest considerable stability of attachment style from infancy to adulthood (Fraley, 2002; Simpson et al., 2007). However, early attachment style is not set in stone. As Bowlby (1980) proposed, experiences with attachment figures throughout one's life can alter one's predominant working model of attachment. A horrible relationship, full of betrayal, could make a securely attached person insecure; a happy, stable relationship might shift an insecure person toward a secure style. Indeed, in a four-year longitudinal study of adults, Kirkpatrick and Hazan (1994) found that overall, 30% of the adults in the study changed their attachment style. Secures were more stable, with 17% changing. In other words, the anxious and avoidant attached adults were more likely to change styles over the four years (also see Baldwin & Fehr, 1995).
15 D The time course of romantic relationships
the factors that influence relational commitment and satisfaction have generally been found to be similar among same-sex and heterosexual couples (e.g., Balsam et al., 2008; Ducharme & Kollar, 2012; Kurdek, 2004; Roisman et al., 2008).
conflict
the frequency of conflict increases as people go from their late teens to their mid-20s. Things become more peaceful after that (Chen et al., 2006). This pattern occurs most likely due to the fact that, during their mid-20s, many people are starting romantic relationships while simultaneously choosing what occupational role to pursue and making plans to get their careers off the ground. If individuals invest their resources into a romantic relationship, they may be held back from pursuing other personal goals. At the same time, if they focus too much on making their unique mark, they will likely create tension in the relationship (Baxter, 2004). After their mid-20s, many people have a firmer footing in their professional careers, so they experience less conflict between their desires for attachment and intimacy and their desires for independence and achievement, allowing them to get along better with their partners.
It turns out that relationship partners share different types of information about themselves at different stages of the relationship. *Bernard Murstein's (1987) stimulus-value-role theory:
when partners first meet, their attraction to each other is primarily based on stimulus information—conspicuous attributes such as age and physical appearance.
The idea that love and attraction can be fueled by extraneous sources of arousal has been supported in other ways as well (e.g., Valins, 1966; White et al., 1981; White & Kight, 1984).
working with the excitation transfer paradigm developed by Zillmann (1971) and described in chapter 5, White and colleagues (1981) showed that arousal from both exercise and funny or disturbing audiotapes subsequently increased male romantic attraction to a physically attractive female confederate. In a study conducted at an amusement park, individuals found a photographed member of the opposite sex more desirable as a date after exiting a roller coaster than before getting on the roller coaster—unless they were with a romantic partner on the roller coaster (Meston & Frohlich, 2003). Some additional research suggests that arousal intensifies attraction in part because, as you may recall from chapter 9, arousal intensifies dominant responses. The dominant response when viewing or in the presence of a physically attractive member of the appropriate sex may be romantic interest (Foster et al., 1998).