Interpersonal Comm Chapter 11

truths about conflict:

1. Avoiding conflict prevents differences and disagreements from ever getting resolved. 2. Conflict is inevitable; conflict is a sign of disagreement, not necessarily major relationship problems. 3. Conflict, when it is appropriately managed, can actually improve a relationship. 4. Conflict can be constructive, especially when both individuals approach it logically and with consideration for each other. 5. Conflict does not mean that someone has to lose and someone has to win; both can win.

nonnegotiation

An unproductive conflict strategy in which an individual refuses to discuss the conflict or to listen to the other person; a strategy to resist compliance without any attempt to compromise; you simply state your refusal to do as asked without any qualification. Avoid this strategy in most of your interpersonal conflicts; it's almost always unproductive.

2. define the content (conflict)

Define both content and relationship issues; define the problem in specific terms; focus on the present; empathize (and validate feelings); avoid mind reading (ask for clarity).

interpersonal conflict

Disagreement between two connected persons. Inevitable; it's a fact of all relationships. Can have both negative and positive effects.

feeling hat

Focuses attention on the emotional responses to the problem.

fact hat

Focuses attention on the facts and figures that bear on the problem.

creative new idea hat

Focuses on new ways of looking at the problem.

4. identify and evaluate your choices (conflict)

For example, you might brainstorm by yourself or with your partner. Try not to inhibit or censor yourself or your partner as you generate these potential solutions. Once you have proposed a variety of options, look especially for those that will enable each party to win—to get something he or she wants. Avoid win-lose solutions, in which one person wins and one loses. Such outcomes cause difficulty for the relationship by engendering frustration and resentment.

5. act on the chosen choice (conflict)

Mentally first (how does it feel the day after the choice is made). Then put it into operation.

men and conflict

More apt to withdraw.

face-attacking strategies

Strategies that attack a person's positive face (for example, comments that criticize the person's contribution to a relationship or the person's ability) or a person's negative face (for example, making demands on a person's time or resources that attack the person's autonomy). Avoid using these strategies; they're likely to cause additional conflict and resentment.

face-enhancing strategies

Strategies that support and confirm a person's positive face (praise, a pat on the back, a sincere smile) or negative face (giving the person space and asking rather than demanding). Use strategies that allow others, even your opponents in conflict, to save face.

1. set the stage (conflict)

Try to fight in private. Be sure you're ready to fight. Fight about problems that can be solved.

silencers

Unproductive conflict strategies (such as crying) that silence your opponent.

6. evaluate the choice (conflict)

Use critical thinking 'hats.' How did it work? Did this choice help resolve the conflict? Is the situation better now than it was before? Will everyone be comfortable with this solution on a monthly basis? Is the solution worth the costs each will pay? Are the costs and rewards evenly distributed? Might other solutions be more effective?

women and conflict

Want to get closer to the conflict; they want to talk about it and resolve it.

false conflict myths:

1. Conflict is best avoided. Time will generally solve any problem; most difficulties blow over given time. 2. If two people experience relationship conflict, it means their relationship is in big trouble; conflict is a sign of a deeply troubled relationship. 3. Conflict damages an interpersonal relationship. 4. Conflict is destructive because it reveals our negative selves—our pettiness, our need to be in control, our unreasonable expectations. 5. In any conflict, there has to be a winner and a loser. Because goals are incompatible, someone has to win and someone has to lose.

workplace conflict

1. personality differences and resulting clashes, 86 percent 2. ineffective leadership, 73 percent 3. lack of openness, 67 percent 4. physical and emotional stress, 64 percent 5. differences in values and resulting clashes, 59 percent

collaborating style

A conflict management style in which your concern is with both your own and the other person's needs.

compromising style

A conflict management style that is in the middle; there's some concern for your own needs and some concern for the other's needs.

competing style

A conflict management style that represents great concern for your own needs and desires and little for those of others.

avoiding style

A conflict management style that suggests that you are relatively unconcerned with your own or with the other's needs or desires.

accommodating style

A conflict management style where you sacrifice your own needs for the sake of the needs of the other person.

social allergens

A habit of a friend or romantic partner that you find uncouth, impolite, or unpleasant and that often leads to interpersonal conflict.

verbal aggressiveness

A method of arguing in which one person attacks the other person's self-concept.

causes of interpersonal conflicts

A variety of issues, including intimacy issues such as sex and affection, power issues such as possessiveness or lack of equity, and personal flaws issues such as drinking or smoking.

argumentativeness

A willingness to argue for a point of view, to speak one's mind. Distinguished from verbal aggressiveness. Avoid aggressiveness (attacking the other person's self concept); instead, focus logically on the issues, emphasize finding solutions, and work to ensure that what is said will result in positive self-feelings for both individuals.

conflict management logical pattern

Aids in positive resolution. Setting the stage, defining the conflict, identifying your goals, identifying and evaluating your choices, act, evaluate, accept or reject, and wrap it up. Remember to argue the issues, focusing as objectively as possible on the points of disagreement; avoid being verbally aggressive or attacking the other person.

equality

An attitude that recognizes that each individual in a communication interaction is equal, that no one is superior to any other; encourages supportiveness. Opposed to superiority.

beltlining

An unproductive conflict strategy in which one person hits the other at a vulnerable level—at the level at which the other person cannot withstand the blow.

avoidance

An unproductive conflict strategy in which you take mental or physical flight from the actual conflict.

gunnysacking

An unproductive conflict strategy of storing up grievances and holding them in readiness to dump on the other person in the conflict. Avoid it; it leads you away from considering a workable solution to a problem.

conflict occurs when people:

Are interdependent; are mutually aware that their goals are incompatible; perceive each other as interfering with the attainment of their own goals.

3. identify your goals (conflict)

Ask yourself what you want to accomplish in this interaction. If you look at an interpersonal conflict as an opportunity to resolve differences and disagreements, it will be easy to __________________. (E.g. Do you want to avoid breaking up? Do you want to have greater freedom to see others? Do you want to kiss and make up?)

negative argument hat

Asks you to become the devil's advocate.

positive benefits hat

Asks you to look at the upsides.

communicating with equality

Avoid "should" and "ought" statements. Request rather than demand. Avoid interrupting. Acknowledge the other person's contributions. Remain culturally sensitive.

8. wrap it up (conflict)

Avoid further conflict, watch for and resolve it if it does come up. Learn from the conflict and from the process you went through in trying to resolve it. Keep the conflict in perspective. Attack your negative feelings. Increase the exchange of rewards and cherishing behaviors to demonstrate your positive feelings and to show you're over the conflict and want the relationship to survive and flourish.

content conflict

Centers on objects, events, and persons in the world that are usually external to the people involved in the conflict. These include the millions of issues that you argue and fight about every day—e.g. what to watch on television or the way to spend your savings.

relationship conflicts

Concerned with the relationships between the individuals—with issues such as who's in charge, the equality or lack of it in the relationship, and who has the right to establish rules of behavior.

win-win strategies

Conflict management strategies that seek a resolution in which both parties win.

win-lose strategies

Conflict management strategies that seek a resolution in which one person wins and the other loses.

control of thinking hat

Helps you analyze what you're doing; asks you to reflect on your own thinking.

7. accept or reject the choice (conflict)

If you accept the chosen choice, you're ready to put it into more permanent operation. If not, you will have to revisit the choices, and perhaps redefine the problem and seek other ways to manage it.

conflict styles

The approach to conflict resolution, for example, competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising. Choose your _______________ carefully; each ______________ has consequences. In relationship conflict, look for win-win (collaborating) solutions rather than solutions in which one person wins and the other loses (competing, avoiding, or accommodating).