Interplay - Chapter 7, chapter 8 interplay, Chapter 9 Interplay, Interplay Chapter 10, Interplay Chapter 11, Interplay Chapter 12

Perceived Scarce Resources (pg 326)

- Conflicts also exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around: affection, money, space, and so on - time is often a scarce commodity

Managing Emotions (pg 244)

intrapersonally - through your own thought process - the starting point is learning to differentiate beneficial emotions from the less helpful kind

mindful listening (pg 198-99)

involves giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive - tend to listen mindfully when a message is important to you or to someone you care about - sometimes we respond mindlessly to info that deseves and even demands our mindful attention.

The challenge of listening (pg 202)

listening carefully is a challenge -when 2 or more people are listening to a speaker, we tend to assume that each understands the same message -dyads typically achieve only 25 t0 50 percent accuracy in interpreting or representing each other's behavior - Our unique views of the world both color and limit the way we listen

ambushing pg 204

listening carefully only to collect information for use in attacking the speaker - can ruin a supportive communication climate

silent listening (pg 208)

listening that allows you to stay attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback - isn't just an avoidance strategy, also can be the right approach when you are open about their ideas but saying somethings isn't appropriate - can help others solve their own problems

critical listening ( pg 201)

listening that emphasizes a strong desire to evaluate messages - concerned not just with understanding messages but with assessing their quality, focusing on accuracy and consistency. -helpfully with investigating a problem -can frustrate others by appearing to find fault in even minor details - can become more effective by assessing and adapting to the listening preferences and styles of your conversational partners

analytical listening (pg 201)

listening that emphasizes attending to the full message before coming to judgement - want to hear details and analyze an issue from a variety of perspectives. - can help when the goal is to investigate difficult questions, taking into account a wide range of perspectives. - think systematically about complex issues. - can be time consuming and impractical at times such as a deadline fast approaching

relational listening (pg 199-201)

listening that is most concerned with building emotional closeness with others -typically extroverted, attentive, and friendly - aim to understand how others feel, aware and highly responsive to others' emotions - strive to be nonjudgemental and are more interested in understanding and supporting people than in evaluating or controlling them. - will draw out responses from the message-sender -may lose their detachment and ability to objectively assess info - may view them as overly expressive and even intrusive

task-oriented listening (pg 199)

listening that is most concerned with efficiency and accomplishing the job at hand -primary focus is taking care of business, such listeners encourage others to be organized an concise - may alienate others when it seems to ignore their feelings - people from other cultures where it is impolite to be direct, may not appreciate a strictly task oriented approach -getting things done quickly may come at the expense of thoughtful deliberation and consideration. - may minimize the emotional issues and concerns that are so important to many business and personal transactions

filling in gaps pg 204

manufacturing information that wasn't part of an original story or message - retell what they listened to, they present a distorted version of the original

Cyberbullying: Inflicting Pain Online (pg 355)

more than a third of students report being bullied online during their school careers - middle school is the peak period for cyberbulling

We have to talk: men and women in conflict (pg 342)

most women wanted and expected open conversations about conflict

predictability-novelty dialectic (pg 275-76)

need for a predictable relational partner and one who is more spontaneous and less predictable.

expression-privacy dialectic (pg 276)

need to maintain space between ourselves and others. Internal=openness-closedness dialectic External= revelation-concealment dialectic

fallacy of overgeneralization (pg 249)

occurs when a person bases a belief on a limited amount of evidence - such absolute statements are almost always false and usually lead to discouragement or anger - it's better to replace overgeneralizations with more accurate messages, which are likely to generate less negative feelings

Virtually Unfaithful: Emotional Infidelity Online (pg318)

one study both men and women believed that infidelity in an online relationship is just as much of a betrayal as cheating in person - another study both men and women regarded emotional infidelity as more distressing than cheating sexually - in heterosexual relationships, women generally regard online unfaithfulness as a more serious relational transgression than men do

revelation-concealment dialectic (pg 277)

desire to be open and honest with the "outside world" and desire to keep to themselves.

stage hogging pg 204

expressing your own ideas without inviting others to share theirs - allow others to speak from time to time but only so they can catch their breath, don't care what they have to contribute

communication apprehension

feelings of anxiety that plague some people at the prospect of communicating in an unfamiliar or difficult context

Friends with Benefits (pg 296)

friendships that include sexual activity. - claim its an opportunity for sex with no strings attached although there are usually more strings than partners want to acknowledge. - some become romances, others transition out of romances, and others serve as placeholders until better options come along - men and women are equally likely to be in FWB relationships - both appreciate the chance to meet physical needs without the challenges of emotional commitment -women are typically more focused on being friends whereas men are more likely to be interested in the benefits - women find FWB arrangements less satisfying than men do both relationally and communicatively - FWB partner routinely avoid explicit communication about the status of their relationship, communicate less about sex and are less sexually satisfied than traditional romantic couples - practice safe sex more and more willing to talk about the sexual experiences they've had outside their relationship - FWB relationships are often problematic for the same reasons that they are attractive

A blurt can Hurt ( pg 366)

habitual blurting was associated with a variety of less than positive traits - blurters tend to be high in verbal aggressiveness, psychoticism, and neuroticism

hearing component (pg 204) internal

hearing is the physiological aspect of listening - starting point of the process of listening - can diminished by physiological disorders, background noise, auditory fatigue which is temporary loss of hearing due to continuous exposure to the same tone or loudness. ( concert or fireworks) can cause permanent hearing loss

Components of listening (pg 204)

hearing, attending, understanding, remembering, and responding

debilitative emotions (pg 244)

hinder or prevent effective performance (anger or fear) - second characteristic is extended duration. - rumination- recurrent thoughts not demanded by the immediate environment, increases feelings of sadness, anxiety, and depression and makes them last longer - jealousy and rumination are a bad mix and lead to unhealthy relational behaviors such as surveillance and stalking

Conflict in Relational Systems ( pg 336)

- even though the style you choose in a conflict is important, your approach isn't the only factor that will determine how the situation unfolds - in reality, conflict happens within relational systems, its character is usually determined by the way the people involved interact. - conflict isn't just a matter of individual choice, but it depends on relational interactions

Responding helps speakers tell their stories (pg 207)

- support for the notion that we appreciate responsive listeners in times of trouble. - emotional states improved from talking with active responsive listeners - researchers noted that when the problem disclosers didn't get active listening responses from their partners, they had trouble telling their stories

When talking about feelings makes things worse (pg 252)

participants who regularly talked about their feelings reported more distress and poorer quality of life and functioning. - this was particularly true for partners in differing emotional states or with differing communication styles - couples said that sometimes the best way to manage their emotions was to focus instead on discussing facts, solving problems, or engaging in humor - diversion can trump disclosure when emotions run high - researcher believe that communicators in challenging situations need a more nuanced prescription than simply open up and share your feeling

pseudolistening (pg 204)

pretending to pay attention, look others in the eye, and they may even nod and smile, but their minds are in another world.

emotional contagion (pg 237)

process by which emotions are transferred from one person to another - happens between student/teachers, customers/employees, husband/wives - can take place online as well as in person - posts about rain which correlate with negative moods can have a ripple effect on readers, causes friends to post more emotionally negative updates - positive status are contagious at even a greater rate - every positive update lead to 1.75 new positive posts by followers. - communicating your emotional state online can have an impact on the feelings and moods of others

paraphrasing (pg 211)

providing feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent - restate what you think the speaker has said in your own words as a way of checking the meaning you've assigned to the message.

sincere questions (pg 210)

questions aimed at understanding others

open questions (pg 209)

questions that allow a variety of extended responses

closed questions (pg 209)

questions that allow only a limited range of answers - may direct respondents toward feelings they weren't experiencing

counterfeit questions (pg 210)

questions that are really disguised attempts to send a message, not receive one -fit better at the more directive end of the listening response continuum - will most likely lead to a defensive climate Come in several varieties - 210 Questions that trap the speaker - Did you? Isn't that right? tags - 210 Questions that make statements - emphasizing words can turn a question into a statement - 210 Questions that carry hidden agendas - wise communicatiors answer questions that mask hidden agendas cautiously. - 211 Questions that seek a positive judgement - request for a particular responsive, - 211 Questions based on unchecked assumptions - a perception check offers a description of behavior and interpretations, followed by a sincere request for clarification - coming out questions pg 211

Similarity (pg 261)

similarity thesis - perhaps the strongest determinant of a relationship formation is similarity to another person. - politics and religion are the best predictors of mate choice - more than attraction to physical appearance or personality traits -Similarity plays a role in initial attraction. - speed daters are more attracted to similarities they believe they have "we seem to have a lot in common" than to actual similarities - attraction based on similarities is a subjective process - deciding you like someone often leads to perceptions of similarity rather than the other way around - similarity is a strong foundation for relationships 1) similarity can be validating, ego support "implicit egotism" may unconsciously affect perceptions of attractiveness 2) similarity makes others more predictable and more likely to enjoy the same activities you do. 3) when we learn that other people are similar to us, we may assume they'll probably like us, so we in turn like them

influences on emotional expression (pg 232)

we are born with the dispositon to reveal our emotions nonverbally 1. personality (pg 232) 2. culture (pg 233-34) 3. gender(pg 234) 4. social conventions and roles (pg 235) 5. Social media (pg 235-36) 6. Emotional contagion (pg 237) 5.fear of self- disclosure

relational transgression (pg 284)

when one partner violates the explicit or implicit terms of the relationship, letting the other one down in some important way

insulated listening pg 204

tuning out any topics they'd rather not deal with - opposite of selective listening

Friendship and Social media (pg 297-98)

- In real life its not hard to tell who counts as a friend, internet has made friendship more complicated - college students who were shown photos of their FB friends could accurately identify only 72 percent of those friends names - social networking sites are used primarily to maintain current friendships or to revive old ones, rather than to build new relationships. - teens typically use social networking sites to connect with known others, not strangers. - vast majority of US teens maintain their friendships through instagram, snapchat, and whatsapp. Unwritten rules on social media - when a friend posts there is an obligation to like it and if close friends you might need to comment - its possible to show too much interest and thats a violation, like liking a post in the past suggests your lurking and lacks chill. - snapchat photos are often sent in streaks, relational message is I'm keeping up with you - privacy is a big deal - calling, texting, instant messaging, and even online gaming are means for keeping up with friendships - closest friends realize that no matter how much they stay in touch electronically theres no substitute for a night on the town together, a stimulating in person conversation, or a good hug

Bonding (pg 270)

- Make symbolic gestures to show the world their relationship exists and that a commitment has been made - this can include engagement or marriage, sharing a residence, a public ceremony or a written or verbal pledge - officializing of a couples integration - relationships don't have to be romantic to achieve bonding - some cultures there are rituals for friends to mark their bonded status through a public commitment - bonding usually marks an important turning point in relationship, now there is a surge of commitment. - experimenting gradually moved into intensifyting and then into integrating -public display and declaration of exclusivity make this a critical period in the relationship

Circumscribing (pg 271)

- Partners reduce the scope of their contact with each other. "Draw circles around" "My friends, your friends," "my bank account, your bank account" etc. - such distinctions can be markers of a healthy balance between individual and relational identity. - can become a problem when theres are clearly more areas of separation than integration in a relationship, or when the areas of separation seriously limit interaction, such as taking a personal vacation expressly to put space between you and your partner.

Proximity (pg 265)

- We are likely to develop relationships with people with whom we interact frequently - proximity leads to liking - we'll chose a mate with whom we cross paths often. -proximity even has a role in social media, where messaging or chatting can create virtual proximity - cultural proximity outweighs geographic proximity - proximity allows us to get more info about other people and benefit form a relationship with them - people in close proximity may be more similar to us

Honor Pledges and Commitments (pg300)

- You can count on me, I'll be there for you are common friendship sentiments. - need to be backed up by action - vital for friends to live up to their promises and obligations

Apologize and Forgive (pg 301)

- a good apology has several components: sincerely expressing remorse, admitting wrongdoing, promising to behave better, and requesting forgiveness. - granting forgiveness can help repair the friendship and leave you feeling better than holding a grudge.

Share Laughs and Memories (pg 299)

- a hallmark of a healthy relationship is shared laugher. - close friends have a distinctive laugh, and that people across cultures can pinpoint in seconds how intimate friends are by listening to them chortle together. - friends regularly prod and deepen each other's memory banks so much that sharing a brain is an accurate descriptor for the closest of friends

Stand up for each other (pg 300)

- a loyal friend has your back, both when you're present and when you're not. -few things are more endearing than a friend who defends your rights, honor, and reputation - friend will celebrate your achievements to others so you don't have to toot your own horn

Perceived incompatible goals (pg 325)

- all conflicts look as if one person's gain would be another's loss - people often fail to see mutually satisfying answers to their problems - as long as they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, the conflict is real, albeit unnecessary

Expressed Struggle (pg 325)

- all the people involved know that some disagreement exists - an expressed struggle doesn't have to be verbal, a dirty look, the silent treatment, and avoiding the other person are all ways of expressing yourself - both people must know that a problem exists before it fits our definition of conflict

Which Style to use? (pg 334,36)

- although collaborative problem solving might seem like the most attractive style, it's an oversimplification to imagine that there is a single best way to respond to conflicts - Table 11.1 pg 334 - a conflict style isn't necessarily a personality trait that carries across all situations - 50 percent of the population change their style from one situation to another - behavioral flexibility is a characteristic of competent communicators. - several factors govern which style to use, including the situation, the other person, and your goals The situation - when someone clearly has more power than you, accommodation may be the best approach - you would probably try to set aside personal disagreements with siblings or parents when its necessary to support one another during a family crisis The Other Person - although win-win is a fine ideal, sometimes the other person isn't interested in ( or good at) collaborating. Your Goals - when you want to solve a problem, it's generally good to be assertive - sometimes your overriding concern is to calm down an enraged or upset communicator - your moral principles might compel an aggressive statement, even though it might not get you what you originally sought

Social Media (pg 235-36)

- communicators generally express more emotion online than they do in person. (some cases good news)find the freedom to do so behind a keyboard - online disinhibition can also encourage emotional outbursts and tirades. Can be hazardous to relations and probably won't make you feel better. - can feed emotional responses, checking a partner's profile may spur feelings of jealousy, resulting in dissatisfaction - jealousy is especially strong when suspicion is already there and is more so for women than men - snapchat can elicit more jealousy than facebook -both senders and receivers experience more emotions more intensely online

Provide a listening ear (pg 299)

- listening is an important type of confirming message - giving a friend you undivided attention and the opportunity to vent is one way to show that you care

Competition (Win-Lose) pg 330

- approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others - competition seeks to resolve conflicts my way - many Americans default to a competitive approach because it's ingrained in their culture - some people in relationships used competition to enrich their interaction - some found satisfaction by competing in play, in achievement, and in altruism (romantic/charitable) - satisfied couples developed a shared narrative that defined competition as a measure of regard, quite different from conflict that signaled a lack of appreciation and respect ( could backfire if gloating or sore loser) - feeling like you've been defeated can leave you wanting to get even, creating a downward competitive spiral that degrades to a lose-lose outcome - you believe your way is the best one, you may feel justified in trying to control the situation, and the other person might not view your bid for control so charitably. - the dark side of competition is that it often breeds aggression - passive aggression -occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner. - passive aggression can take the form of crazymaking tactics designed to punish another person without direct confrontation. - Crazymaking takes its name from the effect such behavior usually has on its target - Many forms of crazymaking ways to deal with conflict and one is through guilt - another is when someone agrees with you to your face but has a different agenda behind your back - some passive aggression is nonverbal: a roll of the eyes, a pained expression, or a disdainful laugh can get a message across - if the target of these message asks about them, the passive aggressor can always deny the conflict exists - even humor especially sarcasm can be used as passive aggression - silent treatment can be passive aggressive Direct Aggression - attack the position and dignity of the receiver. - attacks on competence or character, swearing, teasing, ridicule, nonverbal emblems ( the finger), and threats - a win-lose conflict (competition) can have a high relational cost, especially when the loser is a close friend or loved one, victory might be a hollow one if the other party is glum, hurt, or angry about the conflicts outcome

Serial Arguments (pg 338)

- are repetitive conflicts about the same issue - can focus on topics ranging from the seemingly mundane to the extremely serious - most common involves problematic behavior habits such ass chronic overspending and sloppiness - another source of ongoing friction is personality characteristics such as introversion and extroversion - some serial arguments stem from only one partner's personality: a perpetual pessimist or a constant critic - changing deeply ingrained ways of thinking and acting isn't impossible but its difficult - communication styles and practices or they typical ways in which partners communicate. if you typically avoid confrontation while your partners is routinely assertive, that's likely to cause continual friction - chronic disputes will probably occur if you prefer candor while your partner is more diplomatic. - unresolved serial arguments can be emotionally loaded - frustration with recurring problems can lead to the kinds of rumination, adding fuel to the emotional fire and making future arguments more intense. - serial arguments are more likely than nonrecurring one to use hostile communication - results can be positive when both partners are equally involved and willing to talk about the chronic issue - positive expectations also can help: Partners who seek a win-win outcome are more likely to listen to each other and less likely to be hostile, ultimately leading to less stress and anger - a third-party intervention may help both parties see the recurring problem in a new and helpful light

Integrating (pg 269-70)

- as relationship strengthens it enters an integrating stage, they begin to take on an identity as a social unit - social circles merge, invitations begin to come addressed as a couple, partners share each other's commitments, designate common property, our cats, our car, our place. - create their own personal idioms and forms of play - develop routines and rituals that reinforce their identity as a couple - integrating is a time when we give up some characteristic of our former selves and become enmeshed with another person - Facebook official, publicly declaring a couple is in a relationship. - heterosexual relationships women tend to perceive FBO declarations as involving more intensity and commitment than do men.

maintain confidences (pg 299)

- betraying a confidence can injure, or even end, a friendship

Strategies to manage dialectical tensions:( pg 277)

- can be challenging to manage, strategies for dealing with them, most of which are unconscious 1. Denial - pretending to themselves and one another that the conflict don't exist. 2. compromising 3. Alternation - choosing one end of the dialectical spectrum at some times and the other end on different occasions - friends might manage the connection-autonomy dialectic by alternating between spending a large amount of time together and living independent lives - or they might compartmentalize different areas of their relationship - a couple might manage the openness-closedness dialectic by sharing almost all their feelings about mutual friends but keeping certain parts of their romantic histories private - accept (pg 277) - even embrace opposing desires a couple who accept both the needs for predictability and nobelty by devising a "predictably novel" approach. - constructive way to manage opposing desires is by reframing ( 278) them. - Reaffirm (pg 278) the fact that dialectical tensions will never disappear. Instead of trying to make them go away reaffirm communication accept and even embrace

Use, but Don't Abuse, Technology and Social Media (pg 310)

- changing technologies affect family communication, often in positive ways -texting has given them an increased sense of connection with family members and has had a positive impact on their familial relationships ( women expressed this more strongly than men) - can express their feelings to family members more honestly via text than in person. - decisions to accept friend requests from family members are essentially boundary issues - adolescents engage in more self-disclosure but use fewer privacy settings than adults do, which is why many of them are reluctant to accept a parents friend request. -adolescent who agree to share online social networks with their parents report stronger relational bonds - those who deny parents access tend to have higher levels of aggression and delinquency and lower levels of connectedness - sharing portions of a social network with one's parents is associated with a variety of positive outcomes for adolescents - as teens transition into adulthood, they become less concerned about social media privacy with their parents - young adults who become online friends with their parents are more likely to be female and to come from families with high conversation orientation - lower conversation orientations are more likely to adjust their privacy settings once they add their parents as friends

Communication in the family (pg 301)

- college students found that their definitions of family contained many of these same elements: shared residence, children, and socially approved sexual relationship. - newer issues include same sex couples and parenthood when there is an egg or sperm donor - family - is a system with two or more interdependent people who have a common history and a present reality and who expect to influence each other in the future - families are defined primarily through their interaction rather than through biological relationship or kinship systems

Encourage Confirming Messages (pg310-11)

- confirming messages from parents help satisfy a great many of their children's needs, such as the need for nurturance and respect. - highly confirming behaviors parents offer 1) telling their children that they are unique and valuable as human beings 2) genuinely listening - highly disconfirming behaviors are 1) belittling their children 2) making statements that devalue their childrens ideas - confirming messages are just as important for older children as for young ones. - strong relationships between the amount of confirmation adolescents feel and the openness they exhibit in communication with their parents. - college students are more likely to reveal their risky behavior to their family members when they think the response is likely to be confirming. - important to create a communication climate that allows for open, honest discussions, particularly once the child reaches adulthood - siblings can be a source on confirming messages - sibling relationships can offer vital support throughout our lives and thus its important to maintain them through behaviors such as sharing tasks, expressing positivity, and offering assurances. -older siblings can nurture their relationship is by talking about their family : reminiscing about their childhood, crazy family events and wild relatives

What is conflict? (pg 324)

- conflict - expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals - conflict takes many forms - conflicts involve restrained discussion, as in labor-management negotiations or court trials. - hostile silence, unspoken feuds of angry couples - physical fighting between friends, enemies, or even total strangers

Complementary and Symmetrical Conflict(pg 336-37)Table 11.2pg337

- conflict approaches of partners in interpersonal relationships and impersonal ones can be complementary or symmetrical complementary conflict - partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors - some complementary conflicts are destructive and others are constructive symmetrical conflict- both people use the same tactics - a complementary fight-flight approach is common in many unhappy marriage. one partner addresses the conflict directly whereas the other withdraws, this pattern can lead to a cycle of increasing hostility and isolation because each partner punctuates the conflict differently, blaming the other for making matters worse. - couples who use demand-withdraw patterns report being less than satisfied with their conflict discussions and that their negotiations rarely produce change - the same fight-flight pattern also shows up in conflicts between parents and teenagers, most commonly when they tangle over issues like chores, cleanliness, and curfews - families who fall into a demand-withdraw pattern are likely to feel stressed and unhappy about their relationships -even have a greater likelihood of falling ill than families who handle disagreements more constructively - complementary approaches aren't the only ones that can lead to problems - some distressed relationships suffer from destructively symmetrical communication - if both partners treat each other with matching hostility, one threat and insult leads to another in an escalatory spiral. - if partners both withdraw from each other instead of facing their problems, a problematic de-escalatory spiral results: the hostility decreases, but the satisfaction and vitality ebb from the relationship - both complementary and symmetrical behaviors can also be constructive - if complementary behaviors are positive then a positive spiral results and conflict stands a good chance of being resolved - constructive symmetry occurs when both people communicate assertively, listening to one another's concerns and working together to resolve them. - married couples who take this approach appraise their marriages more positively than any other type of couple does - with enough mutual respect and careful listening both the parents and their teenager can understand one another's concerns and possibly find a way to give all three people what they want

Inevitability (pg 326)

- conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best relationships - conflict among college roommates include access to each other's personal items and food, how clean/messy the rooms are,who can use what furniture, and how involved they should be in each other's personal lives. - conflicts with friends average about one or two disagreements a day - among families, conflict can be even more frequent, about money, being on time, who does what chores, how to handle relatives, or how to balance work and family obligations - impossible to avoid conflict, challenge is to handle them effectively when they do arise - people in both happy and unhappy relationships have conflicts but that they perceive them and manage them in very different ways - unhappy couples argue in ways we catalog as destructive, more concerned with defending themselves than with solving problems, have little to no empathy for each other, use evaluative "you" language, ignore each other's relational messages, and fail to listen carefully. - these destructive conflict patterns can result in poor mental and physical health for the parties involved -many satisfied couples handle their conflicts effectively - they recognized disagreements as healthy and know that conflicts need to be faced. - argue vigorously they use skills such as perception checking to find out what the other person is thinking - the let the other person know they understand the other side of the dispute. - these people are willing to admit their mistakes, a habit that contributes to a harmonious relationship and also helps solve the problem at hand

Communication in romantic relationships (pg 311)

- connection between romantic unions and well-being, people in loving romantic relationships live longer, happier, healthier lives. - ending of romantic relationships, or being in distressed one is linked to increases in illness, depression and even death rates - by 2200 participants said communication was rated the most important competency for ensuring success in romantic relationships, more than sex and passion or other factors

Have a balanced exchange (pg 301)

- don't take more than you can give as an important friendship rule - social exchange theory tells us that the rewards of a relationship need to outweigh the costs

Creating supportive climates (pg 362)

- even the most positive messages isn't guaranteed to create a positive climate - praise can be interpreted as sarcasm, an innocent smile can be perceived as a sneer, an offer to help can be seen as condescension - positive climates can be created by sending supportive rather than defense- provoking messages Evaluation Vs Description (pg 363) - evaluation judges another person, usually in a negative way - description is a way to offer your thoughts, feelings, and wants without judging the listener ( use I language) Control Vs Problem Orientation (pg 364) - controlling communication occurs when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver, with little regard for that person's needs or interests - problem orientation communicator focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their own needs and those of the others involved Strategy vs Spontaneity (pg 365) - strategy to characterize defense- arousing messages in which speakers hide their ulterior motives ( dishonesty and manipulation reflects the nature of strategy) - Spontaneity is being honest with others rather than manipulating them - being direct is better suited for a low-context culture such as that of the united states which values straight talk - supportive can be used to exploit others Neutrality Vs Empathy (pg 366) - neutrality = indifference - empathy showing care for the feelings of another - empathy minimizes potential threats to self-concepts Superiority vs Equality (pg 367-68) - superiority sending patronizing messages either explicitly or implicitly. these type of messages irritate receivers ranging from young students to senior citizens - we dislike people who communicate superiority especially when it involves an explicit comparison with others equality even when there are obvious differences in knowledge, talent, and status can create a positive climate Certainty vs Provisionalism (pg 368) - certainty - communicatiors who dogmatically regard their own opinions with certainty while disregarding the ideas of others demonstrate a lack of regard for others - provisionalism - people express openess to others ideas and opinions

Irrational thinking and debilitative emotions (pg 247)

- process of self-talk is essential to understanding the debilitative feelings that interfere with effective communication. - many debilitative feelings come from accepting a number of irrational thoughts (fallacies) that lead to illogical conclusions and to debilitating feelings

Families as Communication Systems (pg 304)

- every family has its own unique way of communicating. - systems - groups whose members interact with one another to form a whole. Families like all systems possess a number of characteristics that shape the way members communicate. Family Members Are Interdependent - one family member's feelings and behaviors affect all the other members. - each event is a reaction to the family's history and each event shapes future interactions A Family Is More Than the Sum of its Parts - won't understand a family system until you saw the members interact - the nature of a couple's relationship is likely to change when a child arrives, and that family's interactions will change again with the arrival of each subsequent baby Families Have Systems Within the Larger System - families have subsystems - the nuclear family itself is a subsystem of larger suprasystems. - spouses reported higher marital quality when they were equally responsible for family tasks. ( responsibility for child rearing) - one way to improve parents relationships is to invest more in the care of their children. - a change in one part of the family system ( parent-child interaction) affects other parts of the system (spouse-spouse interaction)

Variable In Conflict Styles (pg 341)

- every relational system is unique - the communication patterns of one family, business, or classroom are likely to be very different from those in any other. - along with the differences that arise in individual relationship, two powerful variables affect the way people manage conflict gender and culture Gender pg 341-42 - men and women often approach conflicts differently, may emerge in adolescence. - teenage boys often engage in verbal showdowns or even physical fights - teenage girls typically use gossip, backbiting, and social exclusion - these forms of female aggression continue into college and can occur online as well as in person - female students described men as being concerned with power and more interested in content than in relational issues - the most important thing to males in conflict is their egos, men don't worry about feelings, men are more direct - women are more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict, women are better listeners, try to solve problems without controlling the other person, females are more concerned about others feelings. - gender differences in handling conflict are rather small - men and women may be more similar than different in resolving conflict - people may think that there are greater differences in male and female ways of handling conflicts than actually exist - people who assume that men are aggressive and women accommodating may notice behavior that fits these stereotypes - behavior that doesn't fit these preconceived ideas goes unnoticed - same-sex couple approach conflicts far less negatively than male-female partners. - this lack of hostility creates positive communication spirals in which same-sex partners are able to hear each other's complaints less defensively. - their relationship doesn't have as many of the power struggles that come from traditional male and female sex role. - heterosexual relationships may have a great deal to learn from homosexual relationships - arguments about daily tasks are among the most frequent and destructive sources of relationship conflict - housekeeping arguments can be especially strong in heterosexual relationships where gender norms about domestic responsibilities come into play - same-sex parents divvy up child-care more evenly and also participate more equally than heterosexual parents in family interactions Culture (pg 343-44) - people from most cultures prefer mutually beneficial resolutions to disagreement whenever possible - cultures differ in their orientation toward disagreement, rapport management, and the preserving of face - ways of managing conflict that are unremarkable in one culture may look odd to outsiders - assertiveness that might seem perfectly appropriate to a native of the US or Canada would be rude and insensitive in many high-context Asian cultures. - individualistic cultures often prefer competing as a conflict style, whereas collectivistic cultures prefer the styles of compromising and problem solving - east asian cultures tend to avoid confrontation, placing a premium on preserving and honoring the face of the other person - japanese notion of self-restraint is reflected in the important concept of wa, or harmony. - this aversion to conflict is even manifested in the japanese legal system. - japanese have one lawyer for every 4,000 people where as US as 1 lawyer for every 275 people - China 1 lawyer for every 6500 people - the first person to raise his voice loses the argument - chinese college students the three most common method of persuasion are hinting, setting an example by one's own actions, and strategically agreeing to whatever pleases others even if the consequences are negative - these approaches appear to be changing, young adults in china favor collaborative problem solving more than do elders. and they acknowledge that conflicts can have value for achieving one's one goals and improving relationships - American culture, race/ethnicity plays a modest but important role in shaping what people think about conflict. - Americans described their views on conflict, there were few differences by race/ethnicity - Caucasians were more likely than Asian Americans and African Americans to say that conflict could have a positive effect on relationships - Asian Americans tended to be more withdrawn in conflict while Hispanic and Latino Americans were more assertive , these differences were relatively small and were dependent on how strongly the respondents identified with their race or ethnicity

Creating the family through communication (pg 302)

- families are based on, formed, and maintained through communication - through communication that family members create mental models of family life, and though communication those models endure over time and across generations

Maximizing Facilitative Emotions (pg 254)

- fostering positive emotions is just as important as minimizing negative ones. - if thoughts cause feelings, then positive thoughts can cause positive feelings - ruminating on the good rather than the bad in life can enhance one's emotional, relational, and even physical health. - unrealistic to think that you'll have a positive emotional response to every event , the key is to cultivate what is call emotional agility - even though you can't dictate all the events of your life, you have the power to reappraise them - look on the bright side - regard challenging situations as growth opportunities - focus on what you gained rather than what you have lost - positive emotions follow positive appraisals - people find it easier to focus on their negative emotional experiences, it often takes mindful effort to pay attention to and express pleasurable feeling in close relationships - 10 emotions that research identifies as basic to positivity: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love - identifying and then talking or writing about your positive emotional experiences can lead to greater personal and interpersonal satisfaction

Intensifying (pg 269)

- friendships - Shared activities, spending more time together, mutual friends, etc. - dating couples use a wide range of strategies to communicate that their relationship is intensifying. A quarter of the time they express their feelings directly to discuss the state of the relationship, more often they use less direct methods of communication perhaps to protect their face: doing favors for the partner, giving tokens of affection, hinting and fliriting, expressing feelings nonverbally, getting to know the partner's friends and family, and trying to look more attractive -communicators increase their amount of contact and the breadth and depth of their self-disclosure - time of relational excitement and even euphoria - friendships its about enthusiasm for having a new BFF -romantic partners its often filled with starstruck gazes, goosebumps, and daydreaming - the stage that is often depicted in movies - doesn't last forever and partners question whether they're still in love, and friends begin to discover one another's flaws - may have moved onto another stage

Communication in friendships (pg292)

- friendships are depicted and celebrated because they are central to what is means to be human - friendships is a voluntary relationship that provide social support

Communication in successful friendships (pg 298)

- friendships come with a set of expectations about how to communicate. - rarely discuss these assumptions and we often become aware of them only when they aren't met - expectancy violations - instances when others don't behave as we assume they should, are the source of many relational problems

Friendships, gender, and Communication

- gender plays a role in how we communicate

Compromise (Halfway) (pg 331-32)

- gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. - people usually settle for a compromise when it seems that partial satisfaction is the best they can hope for - a compromise may be better than losing everything, this approach hardly seems to deserve the positive image it often has. - although compromise may be the best obtainable result in some conflicts, partners in a dispute can often work together to find much better solutions - most of us are surrounded by the results of bad compromises - some compromises do leave everyone satisfied - compromise can be an effective way to resolve conflicts - when compromises are satisfying and successful, it might be more accurate to categorize them as the final style we discuss: collaboration

Collaboration (Win-Win) pg 332-33

- involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not my way or your way but our way. - win-win problem solving - the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved - not only do the partners avoid trying to succeed at each other's expense, but there's also a belief that working together can provide a solution in which all reach their goals without needing to compromise. - when people want to achieve a win-win resolution to an argument, they're more likely to actively listen to their partners. - leads to less aggressive communication and ultimately less stress for everyone - collaboration and cooperative problem solving is all too rare. - people faced with these types of conflicts often resort to avoiding, accommodating, or competing, and they wind up handling the issues in a manner that results in either a win-lose or a lose-lose outcome - a win-win approach is not always possible or even always appropriate. - collaborative problem solving can be quite time consuming and some conflict decisions need to be made quickly - many conflicts are about relatively minor issues that don't call for a great deal of creativity and brainstorming. - good intentions and creative thinking can lead to outcomes that satisfy everyone's needs

Recognize the difference between feeling and acting (pg 242)

- just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean you have to always act on it. -compelling evidence that people who act out angry feelings actually feel worse than those who don't lash out - posting rants online doesn't help either - people who deal with negative feelings by venting them indiscriminately have above average levels of anxiety in their interpersonal relationships

Love (pg 312)

- love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies - aristotle - triangular theory of love 1) Intimacy - closeness and connnectedness one feels in a relationships, warm component of love 2) passion - involves physicla attraction and emotinal arousal, sexuality, hot component of love 3) Commitment - rational side of love, involving decisions to maintain a relationship over time, cool component -romantic love might exchange highly emotional messages with many displays of affection -companionate love would be more verbally and nonverbally subdued, -empty love would be a shell of a relationship void of most if not all affectionate messages - healthy for couples to have both companionate and romantic affection - consummate love - the combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment, is an ideal thats rare to achieve and challenging to maintain. - love components wax and wane over the course of a relationship - maturity is a factor in the experience of love - adolescents don't identify with the triangle components as well as adults do - older people value commitment more than other components, although long-term partners experience more passion and intimacy than some stereotypes suggest. - healthy to regard love as a dynamic and changing process rather than a static property

Same-sex friendships (pg 294)

- many of the first close relationships outside the family are with same-sex friends and many adults maintain intimate same sex friendships. - majority of people you call friends are of the same biological sex - bromance or bromomsexual gay and straight friends - women bond primarily through mutual self-disclosure while men create intimacy through shared activities more than talk. - guys get together and have shoulder to shoulder relationships, we do things together, as compared with women, who are more pat to have face to face relationships. - female friendships often develop through one on one interactions while men tend to bond in groups. -gender differences may have been overstates in earlier studies or perhaps norms have changed - women expect more disclosure and emotional support from their female friends than men do from their male friends - both men and women value same-sex friendships for both emotional support and shared activities.

Share Multiple Feelings (pg 241)

- many times the feeling you express isn't the only one you're experiencing. - we often communicate only one feeling, usually the most negative one

Content and Relational messages ( pg 278)

- most obvious component of most messages is their content , the subject being discussed -every message has a second component, relational dimension, makes statements about how the communicator feels toward one another - these relational messages deal with one or more social needs: intimacy, affinity, respect, and control - most of the time we are unaware of the relational messages that bombard us every day. - sometimes these messages don't capture our awareness because they match our belief about the amount of control, liking, or intimacy that is appropriate in a relationship - expressed through tone or voice metacommunication (pg 279) - messages that refer to other messages, communication about communication - isn't a common feature of many relationships, seems to be an aversion to it - can play a vital role in relational maintenance and repair Relational work -focuses specifically on relationship problems - romantic couples, involve discussions about finances, in laws, or the way relational decisions are made. - couples who engage in relational work together report happier and longer relationships.

Conflict Styles (pg 327-328)

- most people have default styles of handling conflict - characteristic approaches they take when their needs appear incompatible with what others want. - although our habitual styles work in some situations, they may not work at all in others. Avoidance (Lose-Lose) pg 328 Accommodation (Lose-Win) pg 329 Competition (Win-Lose) pg 330 Compromise (Half-way) pg 331-32 Collaboration ( Win-Win) pg 332-33

Exchanging Advice Online (pg 220)

- nearly 40 percent of the of the posted messages involved advice seeking or giving so it's clearly a site where people look for and extend counsel

facilitative and debilitative emotions (pg 244)

- not all emotions are beneficial, depression, terror, and irrational guilt - some unpleasant emotions can be useful if they aren't too intense - one big difference, between facilitative and debilitative emotions is their intensity

nonverbal behavior (pg 230)

- not all physical changes that accompany emotions are internal - emotions are observable physiological changes, such as blushing or perspiring - other changes involve behavior: a distinctive facial expressions, posture, gestures, vocal tone and rate, can be interpreted and noticed by others - watching sport players subjects can tell if they are winning or losing by just their nonverbal behavior - difficult to be certain exactly what that emotion might be -slumped posture and sigh may be a sign of sadness or possibly just fatigue. - widened eyes might indicate excitement or fear - nonverbal behavior is generally ambiguous and can easily be misread -nonverbal behavior as the reactions to an emotional state, but there may be times when the reverse is true. when nonverbal behavior causes emotions -clenched fists can help you feel stronger, walking with an upbeat strut can stave off feelings of depression. - scientists like to say it can be easier to act yourself into new ways of feeling than to feel yourself into new ways of acting - nonverbal expressions of emotion are often interconnected with verbal ones - study showed participants who generated words associated with pride and disappointment experienced a change in posture - standing taller when talking about pride and slumped about disappointment

Avoidance (Lose-Lose) pg 328

- occurs when people choose not to confront an issue directly - it can be physical (steering clear) or conversational (changing topic, joking, denying that a problem exists) - generally reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflicts - avoiders usually believe it's easier to put up with the status quo than to face the problem head=on and try to solve it. - avoiding important issues can keep the peace temporarily, it typically leads to unsatisfying relationships - partners of self-silencers report more frustration and discomfort when dealing with the avoiding partner than with those who face conflict more constructively - when avoiders don't voice their complaints, their partners' irritating behavior may increase, which in turn increases their emotional distress - chronic misunderstanding, resentments, and disappointments pile up and contaminate the emotional climate. - avoiders have a low concern both for their own needs and for the interests of the other person, who is also likely to suffer from unaddressed issues - avoidance isn't always a bad idea, you might avoid a conflict if the relationship it involves isn't worth the effort - communication of many happily married couples is characterized by selectively ignoring the other person's minor flaws - doesn't mean that a key to successful relationship is avoiding all conflicts, suggests that it's smart to save energy for the truly important ones.

Accommodation (Lose-win) (pg 329)

- occurs when we entirely give in to others rather than asserting our own point of view - accommodators as having low concern for themselves and high concern for others, resulting in lose-win - motivation of an accommodator plays a significant role in this style's effectiveness. - if accommodation is a genuine act of kindness, generosity, or love, then chances are good that it will enhance the relationship - most people appreciate those who take one for the team, but people are far less appreciative of those who habitually use this style to play the role of martyr, bitter complainer, whiner, or saboteur - people from high context, collectivistic backgrounds Asian cultures are likely to regard avoidance and accommodation as face-saving and noble ways to handle conflict - low context, individualistic cultures US avoidance and accommodation are often viewed less positively (pushover, weakling, doormat, spineless) - all conflict styles have merit in certain situations and that culture plays a significant role in determining how each style is valued

Cross-sex friendship (pg 295-96)

- offers a wealth of benefits - can provide a different perspective and a contrast to the kinds of interaction that sometimes characterize communication with friends of the same sex - for men, this often means a greater chance to share emotions and focus on a relationship - for women, it can be a chance to lighten up and enjoy banter without emotional baggage - these friendships also give heterosexual singles access to a broader network of potential romantic partners - work spouse - a special, platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by a close emotional bond, high levels of disclosure and support, and mutual trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect. - platonic - to communicated to themselves and to others the nature (and restrictions) of their friendship - present some challenges - potential for sexual attraction, is common and problematic. - attraction to a cross-sex friend acknowledged that it negatively affected their current romantic relationship Heterosexual cross-sex friendships fit into one of four categories - Mutual Romance - both want it to turn romantic - Strictly Platonic - both want to be just friends - Desires Romance - one partner wants romance but fears the friend does not - Rejects Romance - one partner does not want romance but thinks the friend does last two are most complicated - the less interested partner in these situations used strategies to communicate no go messages: less routine contact and activities, less flirtation, and more talk about outside romance

Share joys and sorrows (pg 299)

- often important how quickly and in what order the news is delivered. - closer the friendship the higher expectation for sharing soon

Managing Digital Communication (pg 317)

- one study found that 27 percent of online adults in romantic partnerships say that online communication has had an impact on their relationship - not all of that impact is positive - about a quarter of cell phone owners in the study said the phone distracts their romantic partners when they are alone together - US demographic data, researcher found a correlation between social network use, marital dissatisfaction, and divorce - social networking habits in particular emerged as a significant predictor of divorce rate and spousal troubles - social media may not be a cause as much as a symptom of relational problems in that men and women troubled by their marriage may turn to social media for emotional support. - social median can be an ingredient of relational maintenance - text-based digital channels are so effective is that lovers can craft their messages to convey just the right expression of affection and immediacy - edited messages allow communicators to perceive and present idealized version of themselves free of poor manners, stumbling speech, and other bad habits - mobile devices make it easier than ever to stay in touch with loved ones - it's possible to communicate too much and to often and constant calls an texts can seem like an invasion of privacy and where sweetness feels like surveillance - when overused and abused, social media can negatively impact a romantic relationship. - when employed with care and awareness, these tools can help maintain and strengthen loving partnerships - romantic relationships are a means for meeting intimacy needs, but not the only means - possible to have close, affectionate relationships without having a romantic partner. - living single allows them to live their best, most authentic and most meaningful life - one study suggests that single people may lead richer relational lives - singles were more likely than marrieds to stay in touch with, provide help to, and receive help from parents, siblings, neighbors, and friends - being single increases the social connections of both women and men - its vital to have close relationships perhaps as many as five in your innermost circle, but if one of those five isn't a romantic partner , that's not necessarily a problem

Thoughts cause feelings (pg 245-46)

- one way to minimize debilitative feelings is rational-emotive approach based on the idea that the key to changing feelings is to change unproductive cognitive interpretations - causal relationship between activating events and emotional discomfort (or pleasure) isn't as great as it seems - its the beliefs people hold about events that cause people to feel poorly - peoples interpretations of events determine their feelings - different interpretations of a statement can lead to different emotional reactions - key to understanding and changing feelings lies in reappraising the event

The myth of multitasking ( pg 205)

- our brains can only process so much information at one time , and mobile devices provide a distraction that impairs cognitive focus - studies show that media multitasking has a negative effect on learning, studying, and remembering - research provides clear evidence that mobile media use is distracting, with consequences for safety, efficiency, and learning - safety concerns are the darkest side of multitasking, as texting while driving kills thousands each year - relationship between mobile devices and distraction is so strong that the mere presence of a cell phone can disrupt your listening, according to one study - face-to-face communication is becoming increasingly rare, so it's wise to treat it as a valuable commodity

Interdependence (pg 325)

- people in a conflict are connected - the welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of the other(s) - many conflicts remain unresolved because the people involved fail to understand, accept, and acknowledge their interdependence. - first step toward resolving a conflicts is to take the attitude that "we're in this together"

Choose the best language (pg 239)

- people suffer from impoverished emotional vocabularies. - communicators think they are expressing feelings when in fact their statements are emotionally counterfeit "I feel like going to a show" "I feel we've been seeing too much of each other" -relying on a small vocabulary of feelings is as limiting as using only a few terms to describe colors. - one sign of emotional intelligence is having a robust emotional vocabulary - more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it Severally ways to express a feeling verbally 1) Through single words 2) Describing whats happening to you metaphorically 3)Describing what you'd like to do - you can improve your emotional expression by making it clear that your feeling is centered on a specific set of circumstances rather than the whole relationship

lending a helping hand (pg 299)

- providing assistance is one of the most tangible markers of a friendship - a friend in need is a friend indeed

guidelines for expressing emotions (pg 238)

- research supports the value of expressing emotions appropriately - Starting at a young age, the way parents talk to their children about emotions has a powerful effect on development -emotion coaching approach gives children life skills for communicating their feelings, leading to much more satisfying relationships - children who grow up in families where parents dismiss emotions are at higher risk for behavior problems - those who know how to share their feelings appropriately are healthier than those who don't - key to health is to express your emotions constructively - recognize your feelings -choose the best language -share multiple feelings -recognize the difference between feeling and acting -accept responsibility for your feelings -choose the best time and place to express your feelings

Paraphrasing Personal Information (pg 213)

- restating factual info is relatively easy - takes a sensitive ear to listen for others' thoughts, feelings, and wants. -underlying message is often the more important one - 3 domains of human experience 1) cognitive (rational) think 2) affective (emotional) feel 3) behavioral ( desired action) want think, feel, want - rehearsing paraphrasing in imagined interactions can help you respond more effectively in actual conversations

Communication rituals and rules (pg 303)

- rituals are another way family is created through communication - rituals center on celebrations: special family meals, certain types of gifts, the post thanksgiving touch football game ,and so on - other rituals are part of everyday life, goodn-natured teasing about family member's quirks - some rules govern communication within the family - some topics of conversations are allowed and encouraged in most families, whereas others are discouraged, if not off limits - conversations about friendships and everday matters were fine, but sex, drinking, and money, and how teens were doing academically were off limits - step children reported more topic avoidance with their stepparents than with their parents, avoid deep conversations, or money and family issues with stepparents - one factor affecting comfort level is the parenting style used by the stepparent. - step children dissatisfied and avoid more topics with authoritarian stepparents, interestingly they are as dissatisfied with permissive stepparents

what are emotions? (pg 229)

- scientists generally agree that there are several components to the phenomena we label as an emotion -physiological changes -nonverbal reactions -cognitive interpretations -verbal expression

Family Narratives (pg 302)

- shared narratives provide a story line that keeps relationship operating harmoniously - narratives are especially important in families, as they serve a variety of functions that include reinforcing shared goals, teaching moral values, and stressing family concerns - family stores often have meaning that goes beyond the incident being recounted. - some might reflect beliefs about work , family identity, and warnings - narratives may reflects a family's view of how member relate to one another - others reflect values about how to operate in the world - even dysfunctional families can be united by a shared narrative - families who regularly engage in positive storytelling have high levels of family functioning and satisfaction, these narratives are often remembered and relived. - daughters remember stories their mothers told them about love and they use that info to shape their own romantic relationship - families narrate their best and worst life experiences and pass them down from gen to gen

The dangers of Mind-reading expectations (pg 326)

- some communicators approach conflicts with mind-reading expectations assuming their partners will know why they're upset even if they haven't explained themselves - mind-reading expectations were more likely to become upset with their partners than were those without such expectations

Toxic Conflicts: The "Four Horsemen" (pg 339)

- some conflict approaches are so destructive that they are almost guaranteed to wreak havoc on relationships. 1) Criticism- attacks on a person's character 2) Defensiveness - is a reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility and counterattacking - although some self-protection is understandable, problems arise when a person refused to listen to or even acknowledge another's concerns 3) Contempt - contemptuous comment belittles and demeans, it can take the form of name-calling putdowns or sarcastic barbs - can be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs 4) Stonewalling- occurs when one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way, you don't matter message to the other person - critical, contemptuous communicators have an increased risk of cardiovascular problems such as high blood pressure and chest pain - stonewallers tend to experience backaches and stiff muscles - communicators in conflict need to express their emotions in healthy, productive ways - toxic conflict can be destructive in any interpersonal relationship - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling feed off one another and can develop into destructive conflict rituals

Causes and effects of defensiveness ( pg 361-62)

- some disagreeing and most disconfirming messages can pollute a communication climate. - the most predictable reaction to a hostile and indifferent message is defensiveness - defensiveness suggests protecting yourself from attack - face-threatening acts - messages we perceive as challenging the image we want to project we are likely to resist what they say. - defensiveness then is the process of protecting our presenting self, our face - defensiveness erodes relationship stability - we often feel most defensive when criticism is right on target - competent communicators protect others' face needs as well as their own - defensiveness is interactive: all communicators contribute to the climate of a relationships

Treat each other with respect (pg 300)

- sometimes we say the most hurtful things to people we care about the most - good friends monitor their words and actions, making sure to communicate in ways that affirm the other person's dignity

Conflict Management In Practice (pg 344-45)

- study following 100 couples who had conflict skills training found that it works for couples willing to focus on improving their relationship - win-win problem solving can be enacted through a 7 step approach 1) Define your needs 2) Share your needs with the other person 3) Listen to the other person's needs 4) Generate possible solutions 5) Evaluate the possible solutions, and choose the best one 6) Implement the solution 7) Follow up on the solution

Effective communication in romantic relationships (pg 316)

Learning love languages -Words of affirmation -Quality time - Gifts - Acts of service - Physical touch - suggests that we get into trouble when we fail to recognize that our way of expressing love may not match our partners

Disclosure (pg 265-66)

- telling others important info about yourself can help build liking both in person and through social media. - basis of this attraction comes from learning about ways we are similar either in experiences or in attitudes - self- disclosure also increases liking because it indicates regard - sharing private info is a form of respect and trust, a kind of liking that we've already seen increases attractiveness - the key to satisfying self-disclosure is reciprocity - second important ingredient to self-disclosure is timing - disclosures make publicly reduce liking for the discloser - disclosures made privately are perceived as more appropriate and intimate than those made publicly - sake of self-protection it's important to reveal personal info to people who are trustworthy

inclusion-seclusion dialectic (pg 275)

- tension between integration and separation also operates externally -struggle to reconcile a desire for involvement with the "outside world" and the desire to live own lives.

Choose the best time and place to express your feelings (pg 242-43)

- the first flush of a strong feeling is not the best time to speak out - wait for your initial emotion to subside then decide when the best time for the message. - make sure that the recipient of your message is ready to hear you out before you begin. - interpersonal conflict between couples that leave unresolved issues over night leads to poor sleep patterns - some cases not sharing them is better, and writing out your feelings and thoughts has been shown to have mental, physical, and emotional benefits. As therapeutic value - cognitive process of turning feelings into language helps manage emotions

Conversation and Conformity in the Family (pg 305)

- two categories of rules about communication in the family: conversation orientation and conformity orientation Conversation Orientation: -involves the degree to which families favor an open climate of discussion on a wide array of topics - families with a high conversation orientation interact freely, frequently, and spontaneously, without many limitations regarding topic or time spent interacting - enjoy telling family narratives and strengthen their bonds by doing so - low conversation orientation families do not often interact or discuss their thoughts and feelings wit one another - families with strong conversation orientation regard communication as rewarding and children who grow up in such families have a greater range of interpersonal skills in their later relationship Conformity Orientation: - refers to how much a family stresses uniformity of values, beliefs, and attitudes. - High-conformity families seek harmony, interdependence, and obedience. (hierarchical, with a clear sense that some members have more authority than others) - low conformity families is characterized by individuality, independence, and equality

Conflict Rituals ( pg 340)

- unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior - can cause problems when they become the only way a relational partners handle their conflicts. - competent communicators have a large repertoire of behaviors, and they are able to choose the most effective response for a give situation - relying on one pattern to handle all conflict is not effective - conflict rituals may be familiar and comfortable but they aren't the best way to solve the variety of problems that come up in any relationship

Social Conventions and Roles (pg 235)

- us society- unwritten rules of communication discourage the direct verbal expression of most emotions - tend to act our rather than talk out their emotions - people are generally comfortable making statements of fact and often delight in expressing their opinions but they rarely disclose how they feel - emotions people do share directly are usually positive - North americans strive to suppress expression of anger in almost every context

Social Media Relationships with coworkers (pg300)

- use lists and filters - remember, privacy isn't guaranteed - use good sense - involves both risks and rewards

Value Both Connection and Autonomy ( pg 301)

- we have a need to spend time with our friends and to spend time away from them. - allow your friends space to develop their own identity and nurture other relationships

physiological changes (pg 229)

- when we experience strong emotions, many bodily changes occur - components of fear include increased heartbeat, rise in blood pressure, increase in adrenaline, elevated blood sugar, slowed digestion, and pupil dilation - symptoms such as these occur when couples engage in intense conflicts = flooding and it impedes effective problem solving - we experience emotions not just in the mind but throughout the body - disgust may turn our stomachs, fear can tighten our chest, happiness can make us feel warm all over. -physiological sensations can offer a significant clue to your emotions

Which response type to use (pg 221)

- wise to begin with responses from the left side of the listening response spectrum: silent listening, questioning, paraphrasing, and empathizing - these skills comprise what pioneering therapist Carl Rogers called active listening - helpful interpersonal listening begins with reflective, nondirective responses. - once you've gathered the facts and demonstrated your interest and concern, it's likely that the speaker will be more receptive to your analyzing, evaluating and advising responses 1) Think about the situation, and match your response to the nature of the problem - 2) Think about the other person when deciding which approach to use. It's important to be sure that the other person is open to receiving any kind of help - need to be confident that you will be regarded as someone whose support is valuable. - important to match the type of response you offer with the style of the person to whom it is directed - one study found that highly rational people tend to respond more positively to advice than do more emotional people. - many communicators are extremely defensive and aren't capable of receiving analysis or judgment without lashing out. - Still others aren't equipped to think through problems clearly enough to profit questioning and paraphrasing - sophisticated listeners choose the style that fits the person 3) think about yourself when deciding how to respond. - most of us reflexively use one or two styles. - think about how to respond to another's problems, consider your weaknesses as well as your strengths

Focus on research Parental Disclosures with adult children (pg 309)

-1) access to info 2) candor 3) relating as peers

Disconfirming Messages (pg 359-61)

-Disconfirming messages can be subtler than disagreeing ones but potentially more damaging. Disconfirming communication implicitly says you are not valued you do not exist - some disconfirming communication is more intentional and usually more injurious - two messages types that fall into this category are aggressiveness and ostracism Aggressiveness pg 360 -verbal aggressiveness is the tendency to attack another person's character, background or identity - demeans the worth of others and is corrosive to relationships - name calling put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering, and even some types of humor all are methods of winning disagreements at others expense - aggressiveness to a host of negative outcomes such as lowered self-esteem, occupational burnout, juvenile delinquency, depression, violence, and even mortality - one form of aggressiveness, bullying has received a good deal of attention in the media and from scholars - sibling bullying can have long-lasting negative effects - the internet gives bullies even more channels for engaging in verbal aggressiveness Ostracism pg 361 - the social death penalty because it purposely excluded others from interaction - can happen in adulthood - employees would rather receive negative attention from bosses and coworkers than no attention at all - ostracism is even more painful and damaging than harassment - the silent treatment, ghosting, and stonewalling - withholding interaction from others sends a message, in some cases it can be the most disconfirming message of all

Intro pg 324

-It's impossible to eliminate conflict, there are ways to manage it effectively - skillful management of conflict can open the door to healthier, stronger, and more satisfying relationships, as well as to increased mental and physical health

Differentiating (pg 271)

-Partners find themselves having to reestablish their individual identities in a stage called "differentiating" -often shows up in a couple's pronoun usage, instead of our they use I - change plays an important role in this stage - differentiation can be positive, considering that people need to be individuals as well as part of a relationship - differentiation is often a part of normal relational maintenance in which partner manage the inevitable challenges that come their way. - key to successful differentiation is maintaining commitment to a relationship while also creating the space for being individuals. (connection-autonomy dialectic)

Experimenting (pg 267-68)

-Small talk, search for common ground, etc. - look for similarities - interests we share with the other person - helps us decide whether a relationships is worth pursuing "audition" - small talk is a safe way to ease into a relationship - social media is important during experimental stage to gather info quickly - this stage in romantic relationships often involves a social media request or invite - communicators can look over each other's sites to learn important info at a glance without the face-threatening, stammering, blushing, or awkward pauses. - modality switching - relationship that seemed promising in virtual reality may become less so when interacting face to face. - the longer online couples hold off on meeting in person the more awkward it will be when they attempt to transition to face to face communication

Stagnating (pg 271)

-This happens when circumscribing continues. - behave toward each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling. - no growth occurs, relational boredom sets in - the stagnating relationship is a shell of its former self - couples who unenthusiastically have the same conversations, see the same people, and follow the same routines without any sense of joy or novelty

Appearance (pg 260)

-We often judge people off their looks and not how they act. - good first impressions can influence second ones - photos are rated as attractive when the other people in the picture are attractive - ordinary-looking people with pleasing personalities are likely to be judged as attractive and perceived beauty can be influenced by traits such as liking, respect, familiarity, and social interaction. - Physical factors become less important as a relationship progresses. - romantic relationships create positive illusions that create each other as more physically attractive over time.

stability vs change dialectic (pg 275-76)

-both partners face others outside the relationship. -Internally=predictability-novelty dialectic -External= conventionality uniqueness dialectic -too much stability leads so BOREDOM/Staleness, but is important

Levels of message confirmation (pg 356)

-confirming messages show value to others, while disconfirming messages do not Confirming Messages - even your best attempts at confirming messages can be misinterpreted - three increasingly positive types of messages have the best chance of being perceived as confirming: recognition, acknowledgment, and endorsement Recognition - most fundamental act of confirmation is recognition, or indicating your awareness of the other person , can be done nonverbally, verbally, - one nations retailer strives to greet customers within ten feet and ten seconds of walking in believing those moments to be vital in creating customer loyalty Acknowledgement - paying attention to the ideas and feelings of others through acknowledgement is a stronger form of confirmation than simple recognition - listening and responding to another person demonstrates your interest and concern - attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity Endorsement - whereas acknowledgment communicates interest, endorsement means that you agree with or support another person. - endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message because it communicates the highest form of valuing - you can verbally endorse others by agreeing with them, offering compliment or giving praise - getting recognition like this on the job helps workers feel interpersonally significant needed, unique, and particularly successful - endorsement can also happen nonverbally to positive effect - simple acts such as maintaining eye contact and nodding can confirm the value of a speaker's idea. On a more personal level, hugs and embraces can communicate in ways that words cannot

dialectical tensions (pg 273)

-conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously in a relationship - struggles and conflicts can make dialectical tensions sound negative, it's best to see them as normal and manageable factors in maintaining healthy relationships

conventionality-uniqueness dialectic (pg 276)

-external level,captures the challenges in relationships when people try to meet others expectations as well as their own.

Characteristics of romantic relationships (pg 312)

Love, commitment, and affections - these concepts overlap, commitment and affection are components of love

Gender ( pg 234)

-gender roles often shape the ways in which men and women experience and express their emotions -women are faster than men at recognizing emotions from facial cues, are better at identifying multiple emotions, at judging emotions from eye behavior alone, and are more stimulated by emotional data and remember them better than men do - truth in the cultural stereotype of the inexpressive male and the more demonstrative female - women seem more likely than men to verbally and nonverbally express a wide range of feelings. - Men are more likely to experience alexithymia - a reluctance to talk about feelings, which can lead to relational challenges. - fathers mask their emotions more than mothers, leads to children having more difficult time reading their fathers expressions - suppression of emotion by husbands is a strong predictor of dissatisfaction and discord in marriage. - differences are due in large measure to social conventions

responding component (pg 206) external

-giving observable feedback to the speaker - final part of listening - initial interactions people appreciate listeners who respond with questions and paraphrasing - responsive listening helps both senders and receivers communicate more effectively - communication is transactions in nature, listening isn't just a passive activity.

hearing versus listening (pg 198)

-hearing is the process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain -listening and hearing isn't identical - listening occurs when the brain reconstructs these electrochem impulses into a representation of the original sound and then gives them meaning. - can't stop hearing but listening isn't automatic - sometimes we automatically and unconsciously block out irritating sounds

listening fidelity (pg 206)

-ideal interpersonal listening is both to understand and to be understood -the degree of congruence between what a listener understands and what the message sender was attempting to communicate -doesnt mean agreement

barriers to listening (pg 202)

-information overload - bombarded with messages not only in face to face interaction, but also form the internet, the media, phones, and other sources. we choose to listen mindlessly rather than mindfully -personal concerns - we are wrapped up in personal concerns of more immediate importance to us than the messages others are sending, becomes mindless and a polite charade -rapid thought- minds are so active, able to understand speech at rates up to 600 words per minutes, average person speaks 100-140 words per minute. Spare time to think about personal interests, daydreamng, planning a rebuttal. -noise pg 203- physical and mental worlds present distractions.

Paraphrasing Factual Information (pg 213)

-is important during personal or professional conversations -question tone should be used - maintaining a neutral tone helps clarify facts before you offer your reaction - good idea to paraphrase instructions, directions, and decisions before action on what you think has been said

mindless listening (pg 198)

-occurs when we react to others' messages automatically and routinely, without much mental investment ( superficial or cursory) -low-level information processing is a potentially valuable type of communication -frees us to focus on messages that require our careful attention -impractical to listen carefully an dhoughtfully 100 percent of the time

Accept Responsibility for your feelings (pg 242)

-people don't make us like or dislike them, and believing that they do denies the responsibility each of us has for our own emotions.

Initiating (pg 267)

-show the person you are interested in making contact and demonstrate you are a person worth talking to. - communication is usually brief, and it generally follows conventions formulas: handshakes, remarks about innocuous subjects such as the weather, and friendly expressions. - initiating romantic relationships can be difficult for people who are shy. - social media can make it easier for reticent people to strike up a relationship. - relationships started online had slightly higher satisfaction rates and slightly lower incidences of breakups - initiating is the opening stage of all relationships not just romantic

emotion labor pg 235

-situations in which managing and even suppressing emotions is both appropriate and necessary -emotional labor is an important component of many if not most occupations

cognitive interpretations (pg 230-31)

-the mind plays an important role in how we feel - physiological changes associated with fear are similar to those that accompany excitement, joy, and other emotions - interpretation and labeling should be used to determine emotions - successful athletes experiencing precompetition stress labeled their feelings in positive emotional terms which helped their performance -researchers have concluded that the experiences of fright, joy, or anger come primarily from the labels and the accompanying cognitive interpretations we giver to our physical symptoms Philip Zimbardo (pg231) - reappraisal - rethinking the meaning of emotionally charged events in ways that alter their emotional impact - reappraisal is vastly superior to suppressing one's feelings, leads to lower stress and increased productivity - reappraisal has both psychological and physiological benefits regardless of a person's age or culture - reappraisal also has relational benefits

Types of Paraphrasing Statements (pg 212)

1) Change the speaker's wording 2) Offer an example of what you think the speaker is talking about 3) Reflect the underlying theme of the speaker's remarks Paraphrasing assists listenings by 1) allows you to find out if the message received is the message the sender intended 2) draws out further info from the speaker, much like questioning. 3) ideal way to take the heat out of intense discussions -paraphrasing usually short-circuits a defensive spiral because it assures the other person of your involvement and concern.

Personality pg 232

1. personality (pg 232) clear relationship between personality and the way people experience and communicate emotions - extroverted people report more positive emotions in everyday life than more introverted individuals - neurotic personalities report more negative emotions than less neurotic individuals (anxious, worried, and apprehensive people)

Stages of relational development (pg 266) figure 9.1

10 tier model developed by Knapp which demonstrates waxing and waning of relationships (coming together and coming apart) -even stable relationships vary form day to day and over longer periods of time - relational maintenance - aimed at keeping relationships operating smoothly and satisfactorily

Culture (pg 233-34)

2. culture - the same events can generate quite different feelings in different cultures. - culture also has an effect on how emotions are valued -asian americans and hong kong chinese value low arousal positive affect such as being calm, relaxed, and peaceful - european americans tend to value high arousal positive affect such as excitement, enthusiasm, and elation. - US is known internationally as a culture of cheerfulness - collectivistic cultures (japan/india) prize harmony among members of their in group and discourage expresssion of any negative emotions that might upset relationships - highly individualistic cultures (US/Canada) feel comfortable revealing their feelings to people with whom they are close.. - individualistic and collectivistic cultures handle emotional expression with members of out groups differently - individualistic are quite france about expressing negative emotions toward outsiders, collectivist are more likely to hide emotions of disliking - I love you (pg 234) - women tend to say ILY more often than men.

What relationships are most important to you? (pg 292)

47% identified a romantic partners 36% chose a friendship 14% cited a family member - close relationships are the single most important source of life satisfaction and emotional well-being, across different ages and cultures - Friends, family, and romantic parter are three types of close relationships and aren't mutually exclusive - humans have the capacity to be intimately connected with only about five people at one time.

Focus on Research Close friendship: State of the Unions (pg 295)

70 percent of both men and women said they were satisfied with their close friendships- and the higher their friendship satisfaction, the greater their overall life satisfaction -friendship quality trumps quantity

Gender Considerations (pg 297)

Biological sex isn't the only factor to consider when we examine different sorts of friendships. - many heterosexual women report that they value their friendships with gay men because 1) they often share interests 2) the potential for romantic complications is small or nonexistent 3) the women feel more attractive - gay men and straight women also trust romantic advice from each other more than from other sources

Focus On Research (pg 268)

Communicating about relational baggage - researcher suggest that relationship progresses throught the stages

Invitational Communication (pg 370)

Invitational communication is an approach that welcomes others to see your point of view and to freely share their own - an invitational climate communicators offer ideas without coercion, they listen to ideas with an open mind they exchange ideas without pressure - means is they endeavor to create a supportive climate based on value, safety, and freedom, leading to a greater civility in their communication Incivility (pg 370) - harmful labels and slurs - the gaslight effect - ghosting - cyberbullying invitational approach = perception checking, responsible language, responsive listening Invitational philosophy into action The language of choice (pg 371) Responding nondefensively to criticism (pg 373) - Seek More Information - Agree with the Critic

family communication patterns (pg 305)

Consensual families 305 - high in both conversation orientation and conformity orientation. - tension between the pressure to agree and preserve the hierarchy, and an interest in open communication and exploration. Pluralistic Families pg 306 - high in conversation orientation and low in conformity orientation. - families are open and unrestrained, with all family members' contributions evaluated on their own merits Protective family pg 306- low in both conversation and conformity orientation - families emphasized obedience to authority and the reluctance to share thoughts and feelings Laissez-faire families (pg 306)- low in both conversation and conformity orientation -families reflects family member's lack of involvement with each other, emotional distance, and individual decision making. - more families identify as consensual or pluralistic than as protective or laissez-faire - young adults from consensual and pluralistic families are more confident listeners and more intellectually flexible than those from protective and laissez-faire -offspring from pluralistic families are less verbally aggressive than those from the other types. - protective parental approach leads to more emotional suppression in children and to lower satisfaction for all members of a family - fathers tend to be confrontational and pressuring during conflicts in high conformity families but they're peacemaking and analytic in pluralistic ones - open communication and shared decision making produce better results than do power plays and refusal to have open dialogue

Ghosting: The Ultimate Silent Treatment (pg 329)

Ghosting involves ending a relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partners attempts to reach out - 11 percent of Americans have been ghosted by a partner, another suggests its twice that amount or more - can be an act of passive aggression or simple avoidance

Types of listening responses (pg 207-8)

Good listeners - ask and answer question - provide reflective and relevant feedback - offer their own perspective - respond nonverbally by making eye contact, nodding their heads, and leaning forward - listening begins as an internal mental process others will determine whether and how you're listening by monitoring your responses reflective feedback - invites the speaker to talk without concern of evaluation. Goal is to understand, confirm, and mirror what the speaker said directive feedback - evaluates the speaker's messages. Goal is to judge the speakers message and provide guidance figure 7.3 pg 208

Social Support (pg 283)

Helping others during challenging times by providing emotional, informational, or instrumental resources - social support has been consistently linked to mental and physical health and can be offered in a variety of ways: 1) Emotional support - important to keep your message person centered, focused on the emotions of the speaker, rather than minimizing those feelings or diverting attention 2) Informational support - advice about relationships, or observations about our blind spots. though advice is most likely to be regarded as supportive when it's wanted and requested by the person in need 3) Instrumental Support - doing a task or favor to show you care - just being available can provide social support - patients who texted with friends after surgery needed less pain meds - 20 percent of internet users go online to find others with similar health problems

- Effective Communication in families (pg 307-8)

Manage the connection-autonomy dialectic pg 308 - dialectic tensions arise in relationships when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously - as children grow they get a leave me alone orientation - families with high flexibility are most successful at negotiating these difficult periods, can change parenting and family roles - helpful practices include discussing rules and roles, minimizing criticism during times of exploration, emphasizing care despite conflict, and encouraging responsibility. - quality of the communication between parents and adolescents is a critical feature of all these tasks. - young adults show that their communication patterns with their parents after moving out usually reflect their prior patterns. - young adults from conversation orientation families tend to remain open with their parents about everything from credit cards use, to more intimate matters, - first year college students reported that communication with their fathers had improved when they moved out, they became more supportive and expressive and less controlling - siblings may gain a newfound affinity once they are separated and that communication sometimes increases. -family members report being more satisfied when this relationship allows for autonomy - when theres too much connection, caretakers can lose their sense of freedom and identity Strive for Closeness while respecting boundaries (pg 309) - boundaries - limits on family members actions - communication privacy management theory - the importance of boundary management interpersonal and family relationships - physical boundaries - conversational topic boundaries - some families it is fine to persist if the first overture to discussion is rebuffed , in others privacy rules discourage this kind of persistence, sometimes these boundaries need to be openly negotiated and other times they are established through trail and error. - healthy boundaries allow us to balance the opposing and equally important needs for connection and autonomy, for openness and closedness

Types of relational transgressions (pg 284)

Minor vs Significant (pg 284) - a little distance can make the heart grow fonder, a little jealousy can be a sign of affection, and a little anger can start the process of resolving a gripe - in large and regular doses these acts become serious transgressions that can damage personal relationships. - when transgression severity is perceived as high and the perceiver's communication competence is low, rumination increases and relational closeness decreases Social vs Relational (pg 285) - some transgressions violate social rules shared by society at large - other rules are relational in nature, unique norms constructed by the people involved. Deliberate vs unintentional (pg 285) One-time vs incremental (pg 285) - most obvious transgressions occur in a single episode: an act of betrayal, a verbal assault, or walking out in anger - more subtle transgressions can occur over time - emotional withdrawal - if the withdrawal slowly becomes pervasive, it becomes a violation of the fundamental rule in most relationships that partners should be available to one another

Minimizing Debilitative Emotions (pg 251)

Monitor your emotional reactions (pg 251) - first step is to recognize when you're having debilitatve emotions. - one way to notice feelings is through physical stimuli: butterflies in the stomach, reacing heart, sweating, and so on - we often suffer from debilitative feeling for some time without noticing them - the two keys characteristics of debilitatiting emotions: intensity and duration and use those to guide your assessment Note the activating events (pg 251) - once you're aware of how you're feeling the next step is to figure out what activating event triggered your response. - research shows that dating couples can develop "social allergies" to each other, becoming hypersensitive about their partner's annoying behaviors - sometimes there isn't a single activating event but rather a series of small incidents that finally build toward a critical mass and trigger a debilitative feeling - best way to begin tracking down activating events is to notice the circumstances in which you have debilitative feelings (specific people, types of individuals, settings, topic of conversation) record your self-talk (pg 253) - this is the point at which you analyze the thoughts that are the link between the activating event and your feelings. - important to actually write down your self-talk when first learning to use this method - putting your thoughts on paper will help you see whether they make any sense Dispute your irrational beliefs (pg 253) - time to engage in the reappraisal process 1) decide whether each belief you've recorded is rational or irrational 2) explain why the belief does or doesn't make sense 3) if the belief is irrational, consider an alternative way of thinking that is more sensible and that can leave you feeling better when faced with the same activating event in the future Change your self-talk - replace self-talk (can't, have to, should with words like will, want to, choose to - researchers suggest that self-talk is most effective when it's stated in the second person: addressing yourself as you instead of I

Complementary (pg 262)

OPPOSITES ATTRACT seems to contradict the principle of similarity but both are true - differences strengthen a relationship when they are complementary - attraction to partners who have complementary temperaments might be rooted in biology - couples are more attracted to each other when one is dominant and one is passive. - relationships work well when partners agree that one will exercise control in certain areas -spendthrifts and tightwads - when partners are radically different the dissimilar qualities that at first appear intriguing later become cause for breakups - successful marriages were similar enough to satisfy each other physically and mentally but were different enough to meet each other's needs and keep the relationship interesting. - successful relationships find ways to keep a balance between their similarities and differences while adjusting to the changes that occur over the years.

Why DO WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS? (pg 260)

Relationships aren't fixed or unchanging, but change over time. Less of a thing than a process. Appearance, Similarity, Complementary, Rewards, Competency, Disclosure

facilitative emotions (pg 244)

contribute to effective functioning ( joy and love)

Types of friendships (pg 293)

Short Versus Long Term - technology has decreased the likelihood that friendships will end because of a long-distance move - change of value may make a friendship fail Task Versus Maintenance Oriented - Shared activities friends are considered task orients - maintenance oriented is grounded in mutual liking and social support, independent of shared activities. - can overlap Low Versus High Disclosure - general information to personal secrets Low Versus High Obligation - Some friends we would do just about anything for and others not so much Infrequent Versus Frequent Contact - infrequent contact doesn't always correlate with levels of disclosure or obligation - some close friends may see each other only once a year, but they pick right back up in terms of the breadth and depth of their shared information - Communication within a friendship can also change over time. Impersonal friendships can have sudden bursts of disclosure, the amount of communication can swing from more to less frequent. Low-obligation friendships can evolve into stronger commitments and vice versa

Dark side of communication (pg263)

The anguish of abusive relationships - don't keep abuse a secret - watch for patterns - resist self-blame - research as shown that people in abusive dating relationships underestimate how unhappy they really are and overestimate how unhappy they would be if the relationship were to end

Focus on research (pg 275)

The dialectical tensions of cell phone use - community vs Romance - control vs freedom

Competency (pg 264)

We want to be around people who are good at what they do and competent, but also flawed like us. - competence and imperfections combine to to affect attraction

connection-autonomy dialectic (pg 274)

We want to be close to others, but at the same time we seek independence (think porcupines) - ability to manage the conflicting needs for connection and autonomy is basic to relational success - In heterosexual romantic relationships men often want more autonomy and women typically want more connection and commitment - Mobile devices can create a connection-autonomy dilemma - can be a means for building intimacy in a romantic relationship, but too many can feel imposing or even smothering. - dialectical tensions exist in most close relationships

Terminating ( pg 272)

When relationships deteriorate, they are sometimes terminated. This is the final stage. -characteristics of this stage include summary dialogues of where the relationship has gone and the desire to dissociate. - terminating stage can be quite short and amicable or it may be bitterly drawn out over time - 45percent had used their mobile device to end a relationship usually by text, may risk of wounding or infuriating the person being dumped and lessons likelihood of post-relationship goodwill. - those on the receiving end of a breakup have high levels of attachment anxiety - checking on former partner social media may reduce some uncertainty but is associated with greater distress over the breakup , more negative feelings, and decreased personal growth - communicating with former partners can have negative consequences on one's current relationship - terminating a relationship is a learning experience. - college students describes positive lessons from breakups that might help future relationships 1)person positives -gaining self-confidence and recognizing that its all right to cry 2) other positives - learning more about what is desired in a partner 3) relational positives - how to communicate better and how not to jump into a relationship too quickly 4) environment positives - learning to rely more on friends and how to better balance relationships and school work - gaining closure might be an ideal for relational termination, finding meaning might be a more attainable and healthy goal

Avoiding ( pg 271-72)

When stagnation becomes unpleasant, people create distance between each other by "avoiding." - sometimes done under the guise of excuses and sometimes directly - handwriting is on the wall about the relationships future. - come relationships stall out at this stage, simply drift apart, rarely if ever to interact again - while sometimes that's a natural parting of ways, other times it leaves important things unsaid and a need for some degree of relationship closure often leads to a final stage : terminating

evaluating response (pg 218)

a listening response in which the listener appraises the sender's thoughts or behaviors in some way - evaluation may be favorable or unfavorable - In either case, it implies that that the person evaluating is in some way qualified to pass judgment on the speaker's thoughts or actions - communicators who respond this way often approach situations with the critical listen style - sometimes negative evaluations are purely critical - negative evaluations are less critical, these involve what we usually call constructive criticism, which is intended to help the problem holder improve in the future - common setting for constructive criticism is school, where instructors evaluate students' work to help them master concepts and skills. - even constructive criticism can arouse defensiveness because it may threaten the self-concept of the person at whom it is directs

analyzing response (pg 218)

a listening response in which the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker's message - an analysis can create more problems than it solves 1) your interpretation may not be correct, in which case the problem holder may become even more confused by accepting it 2) Even if your analysis is accurate, sharing it with the problem holder might not be useful. There's a chance that it will arouse defensiveness - Offer your interpretation in a tentative way rather than as absolute fact. - your analysis ought to have a reasonable chance of being correct - make sure the other person will be receptive to your analysis - be sure that your motive for offering an analysis is truly to help the other person

advising response (pg 219)

a listening response in which the receiver offers suggestions about how the speaker should deal with a problem - advice might be just what a person needs, there are several reasons why it often isn't helpful 1) it may not offer the best suggestion about how to act, there's often a temptation to tell others how you would behave in their place, but it's important to realize that what's right for one person may not be right for another. 2) the position of advice recipient is a potentially unwelcome identity because it may imply inferiority 3) a related consequence of advising is that it often allows others to avoid responsibility for their decisions. - a partner who follows a suggestion of yours that doesn't work out can always pin the blame on you 4) people often simply need to talk out their thoughts and feelings Studies on advice giving offer the following important consideration when trying to help others: (pg 220) 1) Is the advice needed 2) Is the advice given in the right sequence - advice is more likely to be received after the listener first offers empathizing, paraphrasing, and questioning responses to understand the speaker and the situation better 3) Is the advice coming from an expert? - if you don't have expertise, it's a good idea to offer the speaker supportive responses, then encourage the person to seek out expert counsel. 4) Is the advisor a close and trusted person? 5) Is the advice offered in a sensitive, face-saving manner?

attending component (pg 204-205) internal

a phase of the listening process in which the communicator focuses on a message, excluding other messages - is a psychological one, part of the process of selection -we can't attend to multiple sources at the same time at least not well - we attend most carefully to messages when there's a payoff - skillful communicators attend to both speakers words and nonverbal cues - some people are simply inattentive to nonverbal cue -physiological syndrome called nonverbal learning disorder - deficit in the right hemisphere of the brain, have trouble making sense of nonverbal cues

relational commitment

a promise to remain in a relationship and to make it successful

empathizing response (pg 214)

a response style listeners use when they want to show they identify with a speaker -empathy involves perspective taking, emotional contagion, and genuine concern. - empathizing falls near the middle of the listening response spectrum - empathizing identifies with the speakers emotions and perceptions more than paraphrasing does, yet offers less evaluation and agreement than supporting responses - it's possible to empathize wit others while disagreeing with them Listeners are probably not empathizing when they display the following behaviors. (pg 215) 1) Denying others the right to their feelings - attempting to identify with others' emotions is more effective than denying their feeling and perspectives 2) Minimizing the significance of the situation -when minimizing the significane of someone else's experience, you aren't empathizing 3) Focus on yourself - talking about a similar experience you encountered. and draws attention away from the distressed person 4) Raining on the speakers parade - we don't get the full enjoyment out of good news until we share it with someone who responds empathically - empathic listening is essentially an expression of affection, as it communicates validation and a sense of worth to the message-sender - emotional intelligence is needed to offer these nonjudgemental, other-oriented responses

recognize your feelings (pg 238)

affectively oriented- people who are much more aware of their own emotional states. - use this awareness to make important decisions. - low affective orientation are people unaware of their emotions and tend to regard feelings as useless, unimportant info - relationship between awareness of feelings and range of valuable skills: positive relationships with parents and children, ability to comfort others, sensitivity to nonverbal cues, and skillful use of humor. - its valuable to be able to specifically identify one's emotions - teaching children to recognize and label their emotions is foundational to building their emotional intelligence.

questioning (pg 209)

asking for additional information - most popular piece of language There are several reasons to ask sincere, non directive questions 1) to clarify meaning- good listeners don't assume they know, they ask for clarity. Use right tone to not sould like an inquisition 2) to learn about others' thoughts, feelings, and wants -a sincere, sensitive, and caring question can draw out opinions, emotions, needs, and hopes 3) to encourage elaboration - people are hesitant to talk about themselves, so we can encourage elaboration simply by acknowledging that we are listening 4) to encourage discovery - sometimes encourages others to explore their thoughts and feelings. encouraging discovery rather than dispensing advice indicates that you have faith in the others' ability to think for themselves. 5) to gather more facts and details -people appreciate listeners who want to learn more, as long as the questions aren't intrusive. Helps see the bigger picture.

understanding component (pg 205-206) internal

attaching meaning to a message - paying attention to a message doesn't guarantee that you'll understand what's being said. -composed of several elements 1) must be aware of the syntactic and grammatical rules of the language. vocab and jargon 2) messages source, background will help decide if a friends insult is a joke or serious attack, context of a message.

fallacy of perfection (pg 247)

belief that a worthwhile communicator should be able to handle any situation with complete confidence and skill - can serve as a goal and source of inspiration, it's unrealistic to expect that you can reach or maintain this level of behavior

fallacy of causation (pg 249-50)

belief that people should do nothing that can hurt or in anyway inconvenience others because it will cause undesirable feelings - reluctance to speak out often results from assuming that one person can cause another's emotions that others are responsible for your feeling disappointed, confused, or irritated, or that you are responsible for others feeling hurt, angry, or upset. - We may act in provocative ways, but each person is responsible for the way he or she reacts - it's not accurate to say that people make you angry, upset, or even happy. - contrast between others' reactions and yours shows that responses are determined more by our own temperament and thinking than by others' behavior - one way to avoid the debilitative feelings that often accompany the fallacy of causation is to use responsible language - taking ownership for your actions and reactions can often lead to a sense of empowerment

Disagreeing Messages (pg 357)

between confirming and disconfirming lies a type of message that isn't always easy to categorize. - a disagreeing messages essentially says you're wrong in its most constructive form, disagreement included two of the confirming components just described: recognition and acknowledgement - at its worst, a strong disagreeing message can be so devastating that the benefits of recognition and acknowledgement are lost- two ways to disagree without necessarily being disconfirming are argumentativeness and complaining Argumentativeness - normally when we call a person argumentative we're making an unfavorable evaluation. - the ability to create and deliver a sound argument is something we admire in lawyers, talk-show participants, and debaters. - argumentative as presenting and defending positions on issues while opposing positions taken by others - In the US can coincide with a number of positive attributes, such as leadership emergence, communicative competence and willingness to confront others when wronged -The ways you present your ideas makes all the difference in maintaining a positive climate while arguing a point - its crucial to be sure you are evaluating positions or issues, not attacking people - the supportive kinds of messages show that it is possible to argue in a respectful, constructive way Complaining - when communicators don't want to argue but they still want to register dissatisfaction, they can engage in complaining. - some ways of complaining are more constructive than others - satisfied couples tend to offer behavioral complaints whereas unsatisfied couples make more complaints aimed at personal characteristics - personal complaints are more likely to result in an escalated conflict episode - complaints about personal characteristics attack a more fundamental part of the presenting self - complaining is not a sign of a troubled relationship, it's usually healthy for spouses to get their concerns out in the open - complaining can be a relationship constructing tool encourages bounding and increases intimacy within romantic relationships - when couples' complaining turns to criticism and contempt it is often a symptom of relational trouble

Third-party dispute resolution (pg 346)

clashes between partners, contract disagreements, conflicts among team members, employee grievances, and consumer complaints,

relational maintenance (pg 280-82)

communication aims at keeping relationship operating smoothly and satisfactorily. - several strategies that couples use to keep their interactions satisfying 1) positivity 2) openness 3) Assurances 4) social networks 5) Sharing tasks With family and friends openness and social networks were used most with romantic partners assurances were the most used maintenance devices. -women use social media for relational maintenance more often than men do, regardless of the type of relationship. - women expect and receive more maintenance communication with their female friends than men do with male friends. - social media can be especially useful for meeting the challenges of long-distance relationships - increasingly common, can be as stable or more than geographically close relationships, True about friends and romantic relationships - key is commitment to relational maintenance - female college students said that openness and mutual problem solving are vital maintenance strategies in long-distance dating relationships - both men and women reported that openness (self-disclosure) was the most important factor for maintaining their long-distance friendships

How Communication Climates Develop (pg 355)

communication climate is determined by the degree to which people see themselves as valued. - communicators who perceive others as liking, appreciating, and respecting them react positively, whereas those who feel unimportant or abused react negatively. -confirming communication to describe either direct or indirect messages that convey valuing - disconfirming communication signals a lack of regard (you don't matter, you're not important, you don't exist) - children who lack confirmation suffer a broad range of emotional and behavioral problems whereas those who feel confirmed have more open communication with their parents, higher self-esteem, and lower levels of stress - confirming communication by teaches has been shown to enhance in-class participation, particularly from students who are apprehensive about talking - a confirming climate is also important in marriage, where it is the best predictor of marital satisfaction - marriage researcher john gottman suggests that couples who have five times as many positive interactions as negative ones are likely to have happy and successful relationships - if children see their parents regularly engage in confirming communication with each other, they are likely to replicate those patterns in their own romantic relationships - the interpretation of a message as confirming or disconfirming is subjectiver

Integration Vs Separation (pg 273-74)

recognizing that no one is an island, we seek out involvement with others, but we are unwilling to sacrifice our entire identity to even the most satisfying relationship - conflicting desires for connection and independence are embodied in integration-separation dialectic - internally (within a relationship) the struggle shows up in the connection- autonomy dialectic - externally inclusion-seclusion dialectic

rumination (pg 244)

recurrent thoughts not demanded by the immediate environment

Commitment (pg 313-14)

relational commitment involves a promise, sometimes implied and sometimes explicit, to remain in a relationship and to make that relationship successful - commitment is both formed and reinforced through communication - couples who regularly communicate their commitment have more positive feelings about their relationship and experience less relational uncertainty. some is private some is public - words alone arent a surefire measure of true commitment, deeds are important. - western approach to view commitment as a culmination of romantic love. - arranged marriages commitment was identified as the most important factor that helped their love flourish over time. Second most important was communication with a strong emphasis on self-disclosure.

Communicating about relationships (pg278)

relationships are complex, dynamic, and important

Strategies for Relational Repair (pg 286)

research confirms the commonsense notion that a first step to repairing a transgression is to talk about the violation - you might be responsible for the transgression and want to raise it for discussion - one study of dating partners found that sexual infidelity and breaking up with the partner were the two least forgivable offenses - the seriousness of the transgression and the relative strength of the relationship prior to the offense are the two most significant factors in whether forgiveness will be granted 1) acknowledgment of responsibility 2) Offer of repair 3) Expression of regret

Listening on the Job (pg 197)

research shows that in the workplace, the ability to listen effectively is more important than public presentation skills - listening to be the most important communication skill for entry-level workers, subordinates, supervisors, and managers on several dimensions: job and career success, productivity, upward mobility, communication training , and organizational effectiveness - people who work in organizations that value listening to their employees have a stronger sense of attachment and loyalty to their companies - no connection between how well most communicators think they listen and how competent they really are in their ability to understand others. - a group of managers were asked to rate their listening skills. 94% rated themselves as good or very good

Phubbing: losing out to your partner's phone (pg 359)

researcher developed a scale to measure phubbing, which includes items such as my partner keeps his or her cell phone in their hand when he or she is with me and my partner glances at his/her phone when talking to me - of 453 US adults almost half said they had been phubbed by their partners and nearly a quarter said that phubbing causes conflict in their relationships

selective listening pg 204

responding only to the parts of a speaker's remarks that interests you, ignoring or rejecting everything else

supporting response (pg 216)

responses that reveal the listener's solidarity with the speaker's situation -expressions of care, concern, affection, and interest, especially during times of stress or upset. - types of supportive responses: 1) agreement 2) offers to help 3) praise 4)reassurance 5) diversion - women are more likely than men to give supportive responses when presented with another person's problem and are more skillful at composing and processing such messages -women who aren't skillful at this are at risk to be shunned by same-sex peers -men tend to respond to others' problems by offering advice or by diverting the topic - both respond well to the same types of comforting messages.

reappraisal

rethinking the meaning of emotionally charged events in ways that alter their emotional impact

Affection (pg 314-15)

romantic affection is often communicated privately but can be public PDA -is beneficial for romantic partners in variety ways. - married and cohabiting couples were asked to increase their amount of romantic kissing over a six week period, - frequent kissers experience improvements not only in their stress levels and relational satisfaction but also in their cholesterol counts - similar physiological benefits of expressing affection verbally, both in person and in writing - deceptive affection - can be a normal part of relational maintenance and support - more power than you realize - engaging in romantic actions, such as gazing into a lover's eyes, sitting at intimate distances, or sharing personal secrets, can often lead to romantic feelings, rather than the other way around. -sexual activity - the strongest and most reliable predictor of sexual satisfaction is relational satisfaction - strong correlation between a couples communication skills and their sexual satisfaction -sex is more satisfying when accompanied by direct verbal communication both before and during the encounter. - positive disclosure after sex helps build trust, satisfaction, and closeness, pillow talk

Rewards (pg 262-264)

social exchange theory: we seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with the relationship. - rewards as any outcomes we desire. - tangible (nice place to live, high-paying job) - intangible ( prestige, emotional support, companionship) - costs are undesirable outcomes Rewards - costs = outcome - exchange approach seems cold and calculating but in some types of relationships it can be quite appropriate business relationships, some friendships, even lovers often tolerate each other's quirks because the comfort and enjoyment they get make it worth accepting - costs and rewards don't exist in isolation, we define them by comparing a certain situation with alternatives -comparison level (CL) minimum standard of what behavior is acceptable -comparison level of alternatives (CLalt) - refers to a comparison between the rewards she receives in her present situation and those she could expect to receive in others. - when a sense of connection is lacking in a romantic relationship the draw of intimacy from romantic alternative becomes particularly strong - communicators unconsciously use this calculus to decide whether to form and stay in relationships - offers little comfort to those who are in unsatisfying relationships such as when the partners behavior is below the CL and there are no foreseeable or preferable alternatives (CLalt) - expecting a situation to be perfect can be a recipe for unhappiness and relational dissatisfaction.

Forgiving Transgressions

social scientists have found that forgiving others has both personal and relational benefits - forgiveness has been shown to reduce emotional distress and aggression and improve cardiovascular functioning. - interpersonally, extending forgiveness to lovers, friends, and family can often help restore damaged relationships - research shows that transgressors who have been forgive are usually less likely to repeat - research shows that one way to improve your ability to forgive is to recall times when you have mistreated or hurt others in the past - forgiveness as a choice requiring courage and continuous acts of will

What is a communication Climate (pg 354)

social tone of a relationship - physical locations have characteristic weather patterns, interpersonal relationships have unique climate - a climate doesn't involve specific activities as much as the way people feel about each other as they carry out those activities. - every classroom has a unique climate so does every relationship - romances, friendships, families, neighborhoods, cities and countries can be defined by their social tone. - workplace is another place for a climates impact - employees have a higher level of commitment at jobs in which they experience a positive communication climate - climates are shared by everyone within them - rare to find one person describing a relationship as open and positive while another characterizes it as cold and hostile - communication climates can change over time - communication climate forecasting is not a perfect science, people can change their communication climates. - relational climates can shape moods

fallacy of helplessness (pg 250)

suggests that forces beyond our control determine satisfaction in life - these people see themselves as victims

defensive listening pg 204

taking innocent comments as personal attacks - project their own insecurities onto others

openness vs closedness dialectic (pg 276)

tension between desire to be honest and open but also desire for privacy.

remembering component (pg 206) internal

the ability to recall information once we've understood it 1) number of times the info is heard or repeated 2) amount of info received at once 3) whether presenting the info can be rehearsed - people only remember about 50 percent of what they hear immediately after hearing it, even when they listen mindfully - within 2 months we forget 50 percent of the originally remember position, bringing it down to 25 percent remembered, starts within 8 hours 50% drops to 35%

emotional intelligence (pg 228)

the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions and to be sensitive to others' feeling - emotional intelligence is positively linked to self-esteem and life satisfactions, healthy conflict communication, empathic listening abilities, and effective workplace interactions - success depends in great part on one's EQ quota - emotions are such an important part of human communication

fallacy of catastrophic events (pg 250-51)

the assumption that if something bad can happen, it probably will - position similar to Murphy's Law - once you start imagining terrible consequences, a self-fulfilling prophecy can be set in motion - people who believed that their partners wouldn't change for the better were likely to behave in ways that contributed to the breakup of the relationship - pessimism bias - often perceive threats in their relationships that are not apparent to outsiders, leading to relational dissatisfaction - I fear the worst to I'll hope for the best - relationships function better when the people involved manage their emotions - emotion management involves self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and reappraisal - communicators who manage their emotions are able to express them in productive ways with their partners, and helps maintain relationships

fallacy of should (pg 248)

the inability to distinguish between what is and what should be ( one source of unhappiness_ - hold expectations for ourselves - generate a lot of emotional baggage - more productive to set goals rather than dwell on self-criticism

fallacy of approval (pg 247-48)

the need to go incredible lengths to seek acceptance from others even to the extent of sacrificing their own principles and happiness - belief that it is vital to obtain everyone's approval

self- talk (pg 246)

the nonvocal, internal monologue that is our process of thinking

The importance of listening (pg 196)

the process of receiving and responding to others' -messages 55 percent of college students' communication time is spent listening - listening topped family/social list as well as the career list - traditional approaches to listening focus on the reception of spoken messages. However they take place through mediated channels and written words

verbal expression (pg 231-32)

words are sometimes necessary to express feelings - leaving them unspoken can be personally and interpersonally harmful - researcher believe there are several basic or primary emotions - emotions that are primary in one culture may not be primary in others and some emotions may have no equivalent in other cultures - anger, joy, fear, sadness, and disgust are common and typical human emotions - we experience most emotions with different degrees of intensity and we use specific emotion words to represent these differences (figure 8.2) Intensity of Emotions (pg 232)