MARRIAGE AND FAMILIES CHAPTER 5

Jealousy Isn't Always Just about SEX

--Some jealous people are upset when their partners spend time not just with suspected lovers but also with family or when they devote time to special interests. --People who are very jealous often themselves have been unfaithful.

More Attractive Rejects Less Attractive

--The unrequited lover may be rejected because of physical appearance. This can be painful to the rejected person because it is something that cannot be changed. --people in this situation might try to insist that they have much more to offer than just good looks, but to no avail.

ATTACHMENT THEORY: Closeness is a survival need ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT

--These adults feel that others aren't as intimate as they would like. They are anxious that their partners don't really love them or that they won't stay. They want more close connection with their lovers, which sometimes have the opposite effect and scares them off. --Touching releases oxytocin which helps create a sensation of trust and to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

--If you are seeking a permanent union with someone, you should also have taken a realistic look at your partner and asked whether they are

--Trustworthy and Stable --Caring and Kind --Someone You Actually Like

LOVE IN OTHER TIMES AND PLACES Ancient Greece and Rome

--Viewed passionate love as a kind of dangerous illness which could tear respectable young people away from their families and draw them into disadvantageous affairs with inappropriate mates. it could make adults act like fools and such passions had to be guarded against. --passionate love was sexual love-EROS --altruistic love-AGAPE --friendship-PHILEO --LOVE WAS VIEWED AS UNRELIABLE --marriages were arranged by the families or elders, with an eye to advancing the interest of the clan. --sex outside marriage preserved the stability of the family, --if passion was removed from the marriage bed, men directed it else where.

Manipulation: From Charm to Threats

--controllers have a whole bag of tricks ranging from charm, flattery, coaxing and cajoling to sulking, guilt tripping, humiliating, insulting, and threatening --use of love with guilt is a very common technique.

Someone You Actually Like

--do you enjoy you partner --can you be friends and work through inevitable disappointments and unmet expectations about love and sex

Caring and Kind

--does your partner show love and respect you --do you like yourself more when you are with them

Sol Gordon suggest that there are qualities you need to consider about yourself to determine whether you are a good candidate for love.

--energy --meaning --self-esteem --no ghosts --kindness All of these qualities can be summarized in a single word Maturity. With maturity, one becomes a candidate for the kind of love--mature love--that he suggests is what one should strive for.

FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE there are difference between friends and lovers

--friends enjoy each other's company, are willing to support and help each other, share feelings and experiences, and feel free to be themselves rather than something they are not. --love involves emotional highs and lows, instability, passion, exclusiveness, and sexual desire--all qualities that are unstable.

Trustworthy and Stable

--is your partner loyal, able to handle conflicts maturely, not violently angry or frequently moody, and good parent material.

Love can be many things

--it can be passionate love--intense, exciting, and all consuming. --companionate love--comfortable, calm, and reassuring. --it can vary depending on whether it is directed toward, or share with, lovers, family, or friends.

HOW CAN YOU TELLWHETHER IT'S MEANINGFUL LOVE? What distinguishes immature love from mature love?

--love may be immature, characterized by passionate thinking, feeling, and behavior. --love may be mature-consisting of energy, self-esteem, kindness, and the like.

LOVE IN OTHER TIMES AND PLACES Europe in the Middle Ages and Renaissance

--the Greek and Romans attitudes about love and marriage as a business and social arrangement influenced Europe in the Middle Ages. --marriages among the aristocrats and royalty were arranged so as to produce strong alliance of wealth and power. Daughters of merchants and other propertied men sold them to men who paid the price. --between the 7th and 12th centuries the Roman Catholic church promoted marriage as a sacrament, administered by the prospective spouses through individual consent. --during the 12th century emerged courtly love --As the revolutions of the 17th and 18th centuries reduced the power of the European aristocracy and the consequent importance of marriage as a political arrangement, romantic love became the preferred basis for binding men and women.

1. BIOCHEMICAL THEORY: "Love is a natural high

--the natural high of being newly in love-the feeling of being swept away-is as powerful as amphetamines and cocaine. the brains of compassionate lovers release PEA (phenylethylamine) a natural amphetamine or stimulant. --Others believe that it is because of dopamine, norepinephrine, testosterone and oxytocin. --being engaged in passionate love is to feel such tremendous exhilaration and energy; the bodies are awash in chemicals. --the euphoria doesn't last and tolerance build up, so love addicted people may go from one passionate relationship to another.

2. ATTACHMENT THEORY: Closeness is a survival need

--this grows out of observations about infants emotional attachments to their caretakers. --all important love relationships-especially the first ones with parents and later ones with lovers and spouses-are attachments. --infants have 3 styles of attachment: secure, avoidant, and anxious/ambivalent.

Violence: Emotional or Physical Abuse

--this is the worst kind of misguided love that uses love to rationalize emotional and physical abuse. --This may range from sarcasm, sexual jokes, insults, and withholding of affection to shoving, hitting, and outright beating.

Immature lovers have

--unrealistic expectations about a new relationship --they don't allow a friendship to develop first --they are attracted to their partners energy and personality without determining whether they are caring and responsible person. --they may equate jealousy and torment with love, even allowing physical abuse. --If they break up, they may feel unworthy.

TRYING TO QUANTIFY LOVE: IS INTIMACY THE FOUNDATION OF LOVING RELATIONSHIPS? Study researchers focused on one aspect or concept of intimacy. In defining intimacy as consisting of the presence of love and affection, the knowledge that someone loves and approves of us (personal validation) being secure in the belief that one can disclose personal secrets (trust) and willingness to reveal one's self.

--with this study women scored higher than men did on intimacy factor. --women place more emphasis on love, affection, the expression of warm feelings and emotional sharing in relationships.

Love of Beauty and the Physical: Eros

Eros is the love of beauty; this love style is characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings. Lovers of this type are attracted to beauty or to powerful physical attraction and so are inclined to feel love at first sight.

Is passionate love a world wide phenomenon?

Evidence of passionate love has been found in 147 of 166 societies studied.

Passionate Thinking

I can't get you out of my mind, have difficulty concentrating on anything else.

Passionate Feeling

I can't live without you. You are physically aroused by your beloved, you always want to be with them and you are upset when your relationship is not going smoothly.

Passionate Behavior

I would do anything for you and are you thinking of me? You become obsessed, studying your beloved's behavior; trying to be a servant to them and striving to learn what your beloved thinks of you.

SOUL MATE

IS A PERSON WHO IS TEMPERAMENTALLY SUITED TO ANOTHER--ONE'S BEST FRIEND, CONFIDANT, AND ROMANTIC PARTNER.

FRIENDSHIP

IS DEFINED AS AN ATTACHMENT BETWEEN PEOPLE. IT IS THE BASIS FOR A STRONG LOVE RELATIONSHIP.

LOVE

IS INTIMACY WITH, CARING FOR, AND COMMITMENT TO ANOTHER PERSON. It arises from need satisfaction, sexual attraction, and/or personal or kinship ties.

IMMATURE LOVE

IS PASSIONATE OR ROMANTIC LOVE. Love and sex are what immature love is all about, the kind of passionate or romantic love seen in teenage relationships. --It is love characterized by passionate ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

Jealousy Sets Boundaries for a Relationship

If jealousy has a purpose it's been suggested, that purpose is to set boundaries to what one feels is an important relationship. It determines the extent to which outsiders are permitted to enter the relationship. --If a line is crossed, this can evoke the painful feelings of jealousy such as anxiety and anger. --Each couple determines its own boundaries. --Jealousy is most intense in a committed, sexually exclusive relationships, such as marriages.

The Different Combinations of Love

In between nonlove and consummate love are 6 other possible combinations. 1. liking--intimacy only 2. romantic love--intimacy with passion 3. infatuation--passion only 4. fatuous love--passion and commitment. 5. empty love--commitment only 6. companionate love--intimacy and commitment

WHEEL THEORY: The four stage of love by Ira Reiss Stage 4: INTIMACY NEED FULFILLMENT--reinforcing each other

In this final stage, you and your partner make mutual decisions, reinforce each other's goals, offer sympathy and support, and help each other satisfy deeper needs. The relationship has developed into a consistent pattern of mutual dependence and exchange of needs. AS RAPPORT INCREASES, SELF-REVELATION AND MUTUAL DEPENDENCE DEEPEN. AS LONG AS THEWHEEL ROLLS FORWARD LOVE CONTINUES TO DEVELOP. If the wheel rolls backward love no longer develops.

5. STYLES OF LOVE: LEE'S SIX KINDS OF RELATIOSHIPS. Although not really considered a theory, Lee's six styles of love suggest by John Alan Lee

-- there are 6 basic styles of loving: 1. love of beauty and the physical, or eros 2. obsessive love, or mania 3. playful love, or ludus 4. companionate love, or storge 5. altruistic love, or agape 6. practical love, or pragma

SAME-SEX LOVE

--Although they experience love with the same intimacy and intensity as heterosexual couple, homosexual couples often feel compelled to hide their true feelings due to perceptions of public disapproval of their relationship. --lesbian relationships tend to be more enduring and stable than gay relationships.

Men and Women Generally Have Different Reactions

--Both genders are equally trouble by extramarital affairs and respond to jealousy with anger. --Men are more apt to express their anger; perhaps acting out violently by injuring or even killing their partners. --Women are more apt to suppress anger and be depressed. --Women are more likely to damage property --Men are more likely to report experiencing the idea of emotional infidelity as distressing than are men whose attachment style is avoidant.

Jealousy Is More Prevalent in Some Cultures Than in Others

--Cultures that value individual property rights, such as the United States, tend to engender more jealousy. --Sexually liberal countries such as Germany and the Netherlands foster less jealousy.

TRIANGULAR THEORY : Toward consummate love by Robert Sternberg DECISION/COMMITMENT

--In the short term, this component embodies one's decision (perhaps unconsciously) to love someone. --In the long term, it embodies the commitment to love that person over time.

Jealousy: How It Works

--Jealousy Sets Boundaries for a Relationship --Jealousy May Be Either Suspicious or Reactive

What is love?

--Love is intimacy, caring for, and commitment to another person. -- Many people think love is about finding a soul mate --a best friend, confidant, and romantic partner. --Romantic love, which may spring out of sexual desire, can later turn to companionate love, which emphasizes intimacy with, affection for, and commitment to another person.

CONTROLLING BY

--Manipulation: From Charm to Threats --Stalking: Unwanted Following --Violence: Emotional or Physical Abuse

CHARACTERISITCS OF JEALOUSY

--Men Are Jealous about Sex, Women about Intimacy --Men and Women Generally Have Different Reactions --Jealous People Are More Apt to Be Insecure People --Jealousy Isn't Always Just about SEX --Jealousy Is More Prevalent in Some Cultures Than in Others

Men Are Jealous about Sex, Women about Intimacy

--Men are more apt to be jealous when they fear their partner is sexually involved with someone else. --Women are more apt to be jealous when their partners become involved in an emotional relationship. --Women are the most jealous when they think their man is involved both emotionally and physically with someone else.

UNREQUITED LOVE: WHEN LOVE IS NOT RETURNED

--More Attractive Rejects Less Attractive --Less Serious Rejects More Serious

Less Serious Rejects More Serious

--One person may want to take the relationship to the next level when the other person is not ready. --This can be distressful not only for the rejected but also for the rejecter, who is faced with somehow ending the relationship.

ROMANTIC LOVE AND COMPANIONATE LOVE Companionate Love; Intimacy, Affection, & Commitment

--Passionate love last between 6 to 30 months into a relationship before companionate love begins to be more dominant. --Companionate love is present during the romantic/passionate stage. Some passionate love, decreased in intensity, can still be present during the later stages of a relationship. --This is were the reality-based stability and friendship necessary for meaningful, lasting love kicks in.

Jealous People Are More Apt to Be Insecure People

--People who depend on their relationship for self-esteem are more likely to feel jealous, and have a problem with jealousy. --Relationships of short duration are more vulnerable to jealousy than those of long duration. --Talking to or about ex partners most likely to elicit jealousy.

Stalking: Unwanted Following

--STALKING IS REPEATEDLY PURSUING AND FREQUENTLY HARASSING ANOTHER PERSON. --Most objects of stalking are women --one in 12 has been stalked at some point --most stalkers are men --1 out of 45 men have been stalked --half of the states have enacted anti stalking laws.

THE ORIGINS OF LOVE: 5 Theories to explain the origins of love

1. BIOCHEMICAL THEORY 2. ATTACHMENT THEORY 3. WHEEL THEORY 4. TRIANGULAR THEORY 5. STYLES OF LOVE

COURTLY LOVE

A PREOCCUPATION WITH AND LONGING FOR UNION WITH A BELOVED.

CONTROLLING: TRYING TO CONTROL THE LOVE OBJECT

A third way in which love goes awry is when one person tries to control the behavior of the other, using tactics ranging from the manipulative to the violent.

ROMANTIC LOVE

AN EMOTIONALLY INTENSE, PASSIONATE LOVE IN WHICH A PERSON BELIEVES THAT THERE IS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE LOVE, AND THAT LOVE CONQUERS ALL.

25% TO 30% OF JAPANESE UNIONS

ARE STILL ARRANGED MARRIAGES

How often do people love without being loved in return?

About 75% of respondents in one survey said they had not had their love returned, and about 20% said they were currently experiencing unrequited (unreturned) love.

Altruistic Love: Agape

Agape is altruistic love--unselfish, self-sacrificing love. This love style describes those who attempt to fulfill others needs even at the expense of their won. This type of love is masochistic, as where one is a long-suffering partner of someone who is addicted or is a criminal.

ROMANTIC LOVE AND COMPANIONATE LOVE

Although arranged marriages were not prominent in America in the 18th and 19th centuries parents often influenced their children on whom to marry. --emotional or romantic love is not confined to the United States and Western culture 2 anthropologists found evidence of passionate love in 147 of 166 societies they studied. --they concluded that romantic love is a human,universal, or at the least a near-universal phenomenon.

ATTACHMENT THEORY: Closeness is a survival need AVOIDANT

Avoidant adults are uneasy with being close to other people and with trusting and being dependent on them. They are nervous when others become too friendly or intimate, and their lovers often want more intimacy than they do.

NO GHOSTS--

Bad thoughts don't trouble you unduly. You don't allow ghosts of the past to haunt you.

COMPANIONATE LOVE

CALMER THAN ROMANTIC LOVE, EMPHAIZES INTIMACY WITH, AFFECTION FOR, AND COMMITMENT TO ANOTHER PERSON.

Does jealousy happen more in some cultures than others?

Cultures that value individual property rights, such as the United States tend to engender more jealousy. Sexual liberal countries such as Germany and the Netherlands experience less jealousy.

JEALOUSY: THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER

JEALOUSY may be defined as a usually intolerant or even hostile emotional response to a real or imagined threat to a love relationship. --the feeling jealousy can range from uncertainty, sadness, and resentment all the way up to great emotional pain and murderous rage. --According to one study a third of couples in therapy had a problem of jealousy.

HANDLING JEALOUSY

Jealousy can be irrational--suspicions and resentments that are actually based on personal feelings of inadequacy, jealousy can be also be rational--resentments and anger based on a discovery of a violation of the relationship's boundaries.

Jealousy May Be Either Suspicious or Reactive

Jealousy may be suspicious or reactive jealousy, reactive being the most intense.

UNREQUITED LOVE

LOVE THAT IS NOT RETURNED--is a common experience, and it can be as upsetting for the person doing the rejecting as it is for the one rejected.

ROMANTIC LOVE AND COMPANIONATE LOVE Romantic Love: More than lust?

LUST--is sexual arousal, the physical state of getting turned on, it is distinguished from SEXUAL DESIRE, which is a psychological state. SEXUAL DESIRE is defined as wanting to obtain a sexual object to engage in sexual activity not previously available.

THE DARK FACE OF LOVE: JEALOUSY, UNREQUITED LOVE, AND ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL. What are tree ways in which love can go awry?

Love, particularly passionate love, can take negative forms. --One threat is jealousy, which may be either suspicious or reactive. --Another is unrequited love, that is love that is not returned. --third threat is when one person tries to control the behavior of another, as through manipulation, stalking, or violence.

Playful Love: Ludus

Ludus is casual and carefree. This love style focuses on sex as recreation, the enjoyment of many sexual partners rather than concentrating on one serious relationship.

Obsessive Love: Mania

Mania is obsessive love; this love style consists of strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity, extreme jealousy, and mood swings alternating between ecstasy and despair. Roller-coaster manic love may stem from low self-esteem. When such a relationship ends, it sometimes leads to crimes of passion or suicide.

LOVE IN OTHER TIMES AND PLACES OTHER COUNTRIES TODAY-Arranged marriages

Many countries in parts of Asia, Africa, and the Middle East and some parts of Eastern Europe practice arranged marriages. The practice has diminished in China, Japan, and South Korea. --In India even though in different classes women are free to marry freely, a lot of the women prefer arranged marriages by their parents, they believe they are more stable.

Are only men stalkers?

Most victims of stalking are women. One in 12 women has been stalked at some point in her life, and the majority of stalking cases involve men. Still, one out of 45 men has been stalked as well.

When does romantic love die?

Six to 30 months into a relationship, romantic love tends to yield to a less passionate form of love known as companionate love.

SUSPICIOUS JEALOUSY

OCCURS WHEN THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OR ONLY AMBIGUOUS EVIDENCE FOR SUSPECTING A PARTNER IS INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. This tends to occur when a relationship is in its early phase.

Practical Love: Pragma

Pragma is practical love, the type of love that makes a rational assessment of a potential partner's positives and negatives. A practical lover looks for compatibility in such things as educational and religious backgrounds.

STALKING

REPEATED PURSUIT AND FREQUENT HARASSMENT, OFTEN BY A REJECTED LOVER.

MATURE LOVE

RESEMBLE CAMPANIONATE LOVE --with mature love you have determined how important romantic images of love or torrid images of sex are to you. --You posses the qualities of energy, self-esteem, kindness, --you have learned much about who you are --you have found your own voice and your own values --you may have discovered that you prefer to remain single or to have nonsexual companionship --you realize there are many ways to perceive love.

WHEEL THEORY: The four stage of love by Ira Reiss Stage 2: SELF-REVELATION--disclosing personal feelings

Rapport leads to Self-Revelation, the disclosure of personal feelings-the discussion of your hopes, fears, and ambitions. People who communicate easily and feel comfortable with each other will want to know about each other. --similarities in social, ethnic, racial, religious, and age background may affect ones willingness to disclose information about oneself.

BIOCHEMICAL THEORY OF LOVE

SUGGESTS THAT LOVE RESULTS FROM OUR BIOLOGICAL, CHEMICAL, AND HORMONAL ORIGINS.

ATTACHMENT THEORY OF LOVE

SUGGESTS THAT OUR PRIMARY MOTIVATION IN LIFE IS TO BE CONNECTED WITH OTHER PEOPLE--because it is THE ONLY SECURITY WE EVER HAVE. MAINTAINING CLOSENESS IS A GENUINE SURVIVAL NEED.

ATTACHMENT THEORY: Closeness is a survival need SECURE

Secure adults find it not difficult to become friendly or intimate with others. They don't resist being dependent on others or having others depend on them and they often don't worry about being either neglected (or abandoned) or being emotionally crowded by another person.

WHEEL THEORY: The four stage of love by Ira Reiss Stage 3: MUTUAL DEPENDENCY--sharing with each other

Self- revelation leads to Mutual dependency. you and your partner begin to do activities together that you don't want to do alone, such as taking walks, going to the movies, weekend trips. etc. Social and cultural backgrounds, age, values, and the like are important here because they affect the kind of mutual behaviors you agree are acceptable.

Companionate Love: Storge

Storge is an affectionate, peaceful, and companionate kind of love. Sometimes called conjugal love. This kind of love frequently begins with shared activities and friendship, and gradually develops into love.

WHEEL THEORY OF LOVE SUGGESTS

THAT LOVE DEVELOPS AND IS MAINTAINED THROUGH FOUR STAGES; RAPPORT SELF-REVELATION MUTUAL DEPENDENCY INTIMACY NEED FULFILLMENT

CONSUMMATE LOVE

THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER'S INTIMACY, PASSION AND DECISION/COMMITMENT ARE OF THE SAME INTENSITY.

MUTUAL DEPENDENCY

THE SHARING OF PLEASURES,IDEAS, HUMOR; AND SEXUAL DESIRES

4. TRIANGULAR THEORY : Toward consummate love by Robert Sternberg

THE TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE EMPHASIZES 3 IMPORTANT ELEMENTS OF LOVE THAT INTERACT WITH ONE ANOTHER: INTIMACY, PASSION, AND DECISION/COMMITMENT. --The 3 components can be thought of as the corners of a triangle.

OBSESSIVE LOVE

The style of love known as mania is characterized by emotional intensity and extreme jealousy. After a relationship ends, the partner's despair over the loss of the lover is so extreme that he or she may begin stalking the other partner--following or spying on the former partner and trying to win him or her back. Have you ever found yourself in an obsessive love relationship.

3. WHEEL THEORY: The four stage of love by Ira Reiss

The wheel of love, these stages may be repeated many time, producing a deepening relationship, or the wheel may stop, as in a short relationship.

TRIANGULAR THEORY : Toward consummate love by Robert Sternberg INTIMACY

This includes feelings that create the experience of warmth and bonding in a loving relationship, such as self, giving emotional support, and being able to communicate with one partner.

TRIANGULAR THEORY : Toward consummate love by Robert Sternberg PASSION

This includes romance, physical attraction, and sexuality. Passion may be driven by the desire to be sexually full filled, but it may also stem from the wish to increase one's self-esteem and to dominate or be subordinate to one's partner.

Fatuous love--passion and commitment.

This is foolish love, which may go from meeting to marriage, say, with blinding speed but without intimate involvement.

Infatuation--passion only

This is love at firs sight, with overwhelming emotional involvement. Rarely are both people infatuated at the same time.

Companionate love--intimacy and commitment

This is love in which passion has diminished. Dissatisfied partners may seek passion in an affair with a third person.

Empty love--commitment only

This is love in which passion may have faded so that only commitment remains, although usually not for long if there is no intimacy.

Romantic love--intimacy with passion

This is love without commitment, although the commitment can develop over time.

Liking--intimacy only

This is the love of good friends. There is no passion or commitment.

REACTIVE JEALOUSY

WHEN EVIDENCE IS REVEALED OF A PAST, PRESENT, OR ANTICIPATED RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON. This is the most intense kind of jealousy because it reveals the breach of trust.

WHEEL THEORY: The four stage of love by Ira Reiss Stage 1: RAPPORT--feeling at ease

When you first meet some one, you may establish a rapport, the feeling of ease that makes you comfortable with each other. --feelings of rapport are enhanced by similarities in social, cultural, and educational backgrounds and upbringing.

IMMATURE VERSUS MATURE LOVE

Which is more desirable. The white-hot can't get enough of you and can't get you off my mind kind of love often found at the beginning of a lover relationship? Or the comfort and predictability of a not-so-passionate but enduring union over a lifetime.

SELF-ESTEEM--

You appreciate your own worth. You don't need affirmation from others to feel valued.

KINDNESS--

You're kind to everyone, not just to you partner.

MEANING--

You're not searching for the meaning of life. You're finding meaning in everyday occurrences.

ENERGY--

You're not tired. You have energy for the things you want to do. Passionate love is exhausting.