psych 175

o Emotional tone...

...of arguments. • Newlyweds headed for divorce begin arguments: With hostility in tone of voice, facial gestures, and what is said. • Biggest problem: When women bring up an issue harshly or critically and the man responds with great negativity. o Important b/c women bring up relationship problems 80% of time ...of "everyday" interactions • More than 1⁄2 of happily married couples mention having fun, humor, and playfulness in their everyday interactions. • Not one unhappy couple mentioned this. Satisfied couples maintain a five to one ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions in their relationship. The longevity of a relationship depends largely on being five times as "nice" to your partner as "nasty" to them.

Companionate" stage of love, called pair bonding or attachment

Desire for proximity and resistance to separation become less urgent. Feelings of security, care, and comfort predominate. Involves tolerance of partner's flaws. Tends to be more characteristic of long term relationships.

o Relationship maintenance acts

Disparagement of alternatives, or tendencies to drive away or derogate tempting alternative partners. Willingness to sacrifice, or tendencies to forego desired behavioral options for the good of a relationship. Accommodative behavior, or tendencies to accommodate rather than retaliate when a partner behaves poorly.

o Passive Style

Dominant coping strategy in conflict: avoidance. Behaviorally: submissive Belief: Only self should be uncomfortable or displeased (not others). Advantage: • low rejection / low blame • approval from others. Disadvantage: • self w/ heightened resentment and anger • taken advantage of by others • lack of deep, enduring relationships.

o Assertive Style

Dominant coping strategy in conflict: cooperative and collaborative; active problem solving. Behaviorally: Stands up for self while respecting others' feelings. Beliefs: Respect self and others. Advantage: • Evokes adaptive conflict style in other • high self-efficacy • good relationships Disadvantage: • Vulnerability of self-disclosure

o Aggressive Style

Dominant coping strategy in conflict: opposition and domination. Behaviorally: aggressive Beliefs: Must have power and control to protect self. Advantage: • get what you want • protect self and space • appearance of control. Disadvantage: • accumulation of enemies • loss of power/control

o Empathy, Balance, Flexibility

Empathetic ability for understanding a partner's feelings. A good balance of time spent together and separately. Mutual willingness to make adjustments to each other. Attitudinal convergence Emotional convergence

o Social Support

Giving and receiving assistance and care; being part of a strong social support network. Two main types: • Instrumental (practical) • Emotional Adaptive

o Love is a universal phenomenon

However, the importance of romantic love in helping us select others to whom to commit or to marry varies by culture.

o A Triangular Model of Love:

Love may be based primarily on one of these components, or a combination of two, or on all three. Seven different types of relationships are possible, depending on how the components are combined. • Liking = intimacy alone • Romantic Love = intimacy + passion • Companionate Love = intimacy + commitment • Consummate Love = intimacy + passion + commitment • Infatuation = passion alone • Empty Love = commitment alone/ decision • Fatuous Love = passion + commitment

o Premarital cohabitation is positively related to:

Marital disagreement Conflict Instability Divorce

o Premarital cohabitation is negatively related to:

Marital interaction Satisfaction Communication Commitment Marital quality Marital stability

o Being good friends and avoid toxic emotions

Not being good friends destroys marriages : Less likely to give partner benefit of the doubt More likely to be emotionally disengaged

o Co-Dependence

Paradoxical: appear to be heavily depended on by others but really are heavily dependent on others (their love, moods, behavior, sickness or well-being). Surface: strong; in control Inner: helpless; lack control of self. Maladaptive Becoming so absorbed in others' problems that you don't have time to identify or solve your own. Caring so deeply for others that you forget to care for yourself. Needing to control everything around you because you feel out of control.

o Division of Housework/ Childcare

Perceived inequity is one of the great instigators to conflict. Men's contributions to childcare and housework have increased in recent decades but women still do the bulk of chores, even when they work outside the home. The more children a couple have, the less they share equally in household labor, even if both work equal numbers outside the home. Thus, many employed mothers feel overworked and under appreciated Men who live with their partners before marrying them do more housework then men who moved directly into marriage. Men who are better educated and younger do more work around the house. Men who do housework are likely to have happier marriages, greater physical health, and better sex lives than men who do not Unmarried couples who live divide housework more evenly than married couples. Relative to heterosexual couples, gay couples tend to assign household labor more fairly, resolve conflicts more constructively, and experience a more equal level of satisfaction in the relationship

o Sex

Satisfying sex life is important but does not make the marriage last. The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage: the quality of the couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is: the quality of the couple's friendship.

Two primary explanations

Selection model suggests that people who cohabitate are "deficient" compared to people who don't - so that's why their marriages don't last. Causation model suggests that the problem isn't the people who prefer cohabitation. The "evil" is cohabitation...it "causes" marital dissatisfaction.

Passionate" stage of love, sometimes called "limerence"

Temporary state of heightened interest in and preoccupation with a specific individual. Intense desires for proximity and physical contact and resistance to separation. Feelings of excitement and euphoria when receiving the partner's attention. Blindness to each others faults.

individuals become increasingly committed to the relationship when

We need our partner (greater dependence), We are bound to the relationship (have high investments), We want to be in the relationship (feel satisfied) We have little choice but to be in the relationship (have few/poor alternatives).

o Potentially "Bad" Love/ Marriage Choices

You care more about your partner than s/he does about you. Your partner cares more about you than you care about him/her. You are in love with your partner's potential. You are on a rescue mission. You look up to your partner as a role model. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons. You have partial compatibility. You choose a partner to be rebellious. You choose a partner as a reaction to a previous partner. Your partner is unavailable (married, living with someone else).

- Intimate relationships (romantic relationships and friendships

1. Both lovers and friends initially seek out others who are similar to them. 2. We want friends and lovers who can validate our self-concept. Knowing you can count on each other in times of need. Knowing you can confide in each other without betrayal. Feeling understood and knowing each other will make allowances when the other person occasionally acts in an unexpected or annoying manner. 3. We want the same personal characteristics in friends and lovers. Warmth, kindness, openness, acceptance, respect, trust, and understanding 4. BUT, we prefer higher levels of these attributes in our lovers than in our friends.

- Love relationships are distinctively different from friendships

1. Love heightens the potential for both positive and negative aspects of close relationships, making love relationships not only more rewarding but more frustrating. 2. Love relationships, but not friendships, are characterized by a fascination and preoccupation with their partners. 3. There is intense caring for each other in love relationships, even more so than in friendships. Being an advocate for a lover Giving more of oneself. 4. Because of the greater exclusiveness and emotional involvement between them, lovers experience greater conflict, distress, and mutual criticism in their relationships than do friends.

o Adaptive Conflict Management

1. Promotes growth in a relationship 2. Allows for a healthy release of feelings 3. Increases self-efficacy

o "Dirty" fighting techniques

1. THE KITCHEN SINKER- throws in everything that has been a problem instead of dealing with the specific conflict at hand 2. THE AVOIDER- pretends the conflict does not exist and refuses to deal with it in an open manner 3. THE ARMCHAIR PSYCHIATIST- attempts to read the other person's mind, making sure to tell the other person why he/she is doing "whatever" they are doing 4. THE IRRITATOR- intentionally expresses resentment by doing something that really annoys the person: smacking gum loudly, turning up the tv too loud, etc. 5. THE BACK STABBER- after agreeing to a solution fails to carry out or express different opinions to parties outside the conflict 6. THE STAMP COLLECTOR- stores up days or months of hurt feelings and resentment and "cashes" them all in at once 7. THE JOKER- refuses to take the fight seriously, laughing at the other person, or even avoiding the conflict 8. THE TRAITOR- openly encourages attacks from outsiders or refuses to defend partner when he or she is being put down by others 9. THE BLAMER- is concerned with assigning guilt or placing blame for the conflict, rather than resolving 10. THE MARTYR- attempts to change the other person's behavior through a guilt trip, hoping the other person will feel some responsibility for the martyr's pain 11. THE WITHHOLDER- intentionally denies what other person wants- sex, affection, approval, or anything else that makes life more pleasant for the other person 12. THE HUMILIATOR- uses intimate knowledge of the other person to "hit" below the belt. This is usually sensitive issue the other person is trying to overcome

Selection explanation

: people who are less traditional in their family related attitudes or who are otherwise poor marriage material preferentially select cohabitation (assortment). These same people also are more likely to opt for divorce in the event their marriages prove unsatisfactory.

Causation explanation

Cohabitation, itself, leads to marital instability.

how love stories relate to relationship satisfaction,

Couples whose stories correspond more closely with their own find greatest satisfaction with their partners; the more similar the stories are the more satisfied they are in the relationship.

o Cohabitation

o Cohabitation has increased dramatically in the U.S., rising from 500,000 couples in 1970 to nearly 5 million in 2000 (U.S. Bureau of the Census 2001). o Among persons in their twenties and thirties, more than one-half have experienced cohabitation, suggesting that cohabitation is now a normative stage in the family life course. o The chief reason why cohabitors report living together is to test the relationship's viability for marriage. o However, premarital cohabitation is associated with poorer marital quality and higher levels of marital instability and divorce.

• What is emotional convergence? In what contexts did the authors measure emotional convergence? Are there gender differences in terms of who makes the changes necessary for emotional convergence to occur?

o Emotional convergence is the process of individuals in relationships become increasingly emotionally similar over time. This similarity would help coordinate the thoughts and behaviors of the relationship partners, increase their mutual understanding, and foster their social cohesion. o Emotional convergence were measured in contexts of romantic couples, same-sex roommates, as well as in independent emotional responses. Tested whether emotional convergence occurs, relative power, gender, and benefits on long-term relationships. o The findings do not show gender differences on whether men or women were more influential in the emotional convergence process. There was no significant findings on how well men's or women's negative emotions predicted their partner's emotions.

• In what ways does emotional convergence benefit relationships? Are there ways in which emotional convergence might damage relationships? How does power relate to emotional convergence between couples? What might this suggest about the emotional lives of high-power versus low-power people?

o Emotional similarity can benefit relationships in at least three ways. First, emotions are modes of relating to the environment, emotional similarity would coordinate relationship partners' thoughts and behaviors and help them respond to potential opportunities or threats Second, when two people feel similar emotions, they more accurately perceive each other's intentions and motivations. Third, emotional similarity would be reinforcing to relationship partners; when two people feel similar emotions, their own feelings and appraisals are validated. In sum, the ease and automaticity with which humans communicate and transmit emotions between each other would allow emotional convergence to develop. This emotional similarity would prompt coordinated and rewarding interactions, the satisfaction of mutual goals, and in the long run, relationship satisfaction and longevity. o Convergence occurs at extreme levels of emotion, for both negative and positive emotion. Emotional convergence can also be the product of relationship partners' creation of a shared emotional context. Friends of a depressed person might have become depressed only because the disorder is such a powerful and salient feature of their interactions. For example, negative emotion might in turn shape both relationship partners' reactions to outside events, making them react similarly negative to events on a consistent basis. o Results showed that the extent of the power difference between partners did not matter, the partner with less power made more of the change necessary for emotional convergence to occur, and it did not matter whether the partner was much lower in power or only slightly lower in power. o These findings paint a striking picture of the emotional lives of powerful and powerless people, high-power participants shape the emotions of low-power partners. They suggest that high-power individuals may create social environments inhabited by people with emotional tendencies similar to their own. The emotional lives of low-power individuals, on the contrary, would seem more variable, changing across relationship contexts.

• What are the three potential mechanisms underlying emotional convergence?

o First, emotional convergence may be the product of relation- ship partners' creation of a shared emotional context, which in turn colors their reactions to outside events. o Second, emotional convergence may be due to a convergence in appraisal styles. Ways of appraising events lead to specific emotions, just as specific emotional dispositions lead to ways of appraising social events o Finally, emotional convergence might develop not out of cognitive processes, but out of more "primitive" processes such as emotional contagion. That is, relationship partners might continually share emotions through emotional contagion, which then develops into emotional patterns or habits within each individual.

o In 'friends-first relationships'

o In 'friends-first relationships' partners matching on extraversion corresponded to relationship quality and love. Extraversion (sociability, assertiveness, and excitability) is an important concept to friendship, in which 'friends-first relationships,' show high levels of companionate love (intimacy + commitment).

o In 'love at first sight' relationships

o In 'love at first sight' relationships, the more partners differed in their levels of conscientiousness, the lower their relationship quality and the less they experienced passion, intimacy and commitment in their relationship. The negative effect of dissimilar personality traits in 'love at first sight' partners, can be buffered by the high levels of conscientiousness (quality of wishing to do one's work well and thoroughly). o The relationship between partner personality trait similarity and relationship quality depended on both the type of relationship onset and specific personality traits.

individuals develop their love stories

o Individuals develop love stories through an interaction between their personality and their experiences - they draw on our experiences of living in the world as well as stories of what they believe love should be. Fairy tales, models of love relationships we observe (parents and friends), television/ movies, conversations with other people about their relationships, ect.

key limitation of the method the authors employed to people's study love stories.

o Key limitation of the method the author employed includes.. Cultural bias • Sample size permit only limited power for testing hypothesis • Samples was limited to Yale students Only used one kind of measurement (Likert scale) there's no guarantee questionnaires will generalize to behavior Did not study full stories, but rather schemes that could be developed into full stories, but were not so developed in our theoretical work or corresponding questionnaires. (MOST IMPORTANT)

• Did length of marriage predict marital satisfaction? Did commitment to the marriage predict marital satisfaction? Was dispositional disclosure related to marital satisfaction? What does this finding indicate?

o Length of marriage did not predict marital satisfaction o Marital commitment contributed to marital satisfaction o Dispositional disclosure did not contribute to marital satisfaction and dispositional secrecy was marginally negatively related to marital satisfaction. o Dispositional measures of disclosure and secrecy provide little evidence that predict marital satisfaction, rather they suggest that relational context in which disclosure and secrecy occur outweigh the influence of dispositional characteristics.

• Be able to identify an examples of loosely united similarity/differences. Also understand a tightly united dialectical unity on a particular phenomenon (e.g., personality attributes, leisure time pursuits, communication style, or attitudes/beliefs), specifically with respect to tightly united similarity/difference. Also understand how either the friends' similarity or difference could exhibit tightly united positivity/negativity.

o Loosely united similarities/ differences: Dispositional Personality Attributes consists of all similarities in attributed dispositional characteristics or qualities of a person's personality. Leisure Time Pursuits, hobbies and leisure time activities and interests. A wide range of leisurely pursuits were identified by our relationship pairs. Demographic or Family Backgrounds, similarities in age, sex, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic status, or family upbringing. Attitudes and Beliefs, shared attitudes, beliefs, or values. Communication Style, grounded in personality, however, communication style capture instances in which a pair explicitly discuss how they communicated with one another.

. Specifically, compare and contrast how the three different types of relationship onset were related to the three components of love (passion, intimacy, and commitment).

o Lovers at first sight reported high levels of eros (passionate love), characterized by high levels of passion. In terms of Sternberg's triangular love theory this type of love is called 'complete' love, characterized by high levels of passion, commitment and intimacy. o In comparison, 'friends-first relationships' reported high levels of storge (companionate love), characterized by high levels of intimacy and commitment, a type of love Sternberg calls 'companionate' love. o 'In between relationships', occupied an intermediate position: reporting less companionate love than partners in 'friends-first relationships,' and also less passion than 'lovers at first sight, 'characterized by intermediate levels of storge and eros, and trend toward high levels of pragma.

• Know the four contextual disclosure and secrecy measures that correlated significantly with marital satisfaction. You should also understand the direction of the correlation.

o Participants who felt comfortable in sharing their emotions and were able to talk about difficult issues were more satisfied with their marriage. o The quality and valence of disclosure had mixed results of marital satisfaction, quantity had no relations. o Contextual measures of secrecy, avoidance of difficult issues was positively associated with marital success. o Contextual measures of perceived secrecy by partner, was a powerful predictor of marital dissatisfaction.

o Love has three components

o Passion = the motivational aspect of love Involves physiological arousal and an intense desire to be united with the loved one. o Intimacy = the emotional aspect of love Involves closeness, sharing, communication, and support o Commitment = the cognitive aspect of love Involves both the short-term affirmation of your love and the long-term commitment to maintain that love

• Is relationship functioning more contingent on the weak or strong link partner's level of commitment? What is the best predictor of dyadic hostility in conflict? How does the gender of the weak-link partner affect dyadic hostility?

o Relationship functioning is more contingent on the weak-link partner's level of commitment to the relationship, in combination with the degree of discrepancy between partners' commitment to the relationship. o The mutuality of both partners' levels of commitment and the level of the weak-link partner's commitment jointly affect dyadic functioning. Lower commitment on the part of the weak-link partner coupled with greater discrepancy in commitment between partners predicted a greater likelihood that the couple would display hostility Commitment should predict how much hostility is expressed in relationships, especially when partners have incompatible goals or interests. o When weak-link partners were female, rather than male, couples displayed greater observer-rated hostility in the conflict interactions Women are more likely to use language to reinforce intimacy and maintain relationships, whereas men strive to maintain independence and consolidate their status. Thus, when women are the weak links in relationships, there should be fewer attempts to reinforce intimacy and maintain the relationships.

• Chronically insecure people often behave in ways that result in social rejection. Understand the specific behavioral mechanisms that underlie the self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. In other words, how does relational insecurity affect: the individual's belief about self, the individual's social demeanor, and how people react to their demeanor? What type of intervention would help insecure individuals improve their relational security? How long did the authors find the effects for this type of intervention to last?

o The behavioral mechanisms underlying the rejection prophecy stems from relational insecurity (lack of confidence that one is valued by interaction partners) which translates into a tense social demeanor that inhibits social warmth, which in turn results in a cold social reaction from interaction partners that further reinforces the individuals' relational insecurity. The rejection prophecy result from insecure individuals' feeling inferior, which result in a self-protective motivation to avoid social situations in which rejection is anticipated o Self-affirmation intervention guides participants to reflect on important, self-relevant values that increase relational security. This allows participants social demeanor to buffer against social self-threats as well as interrupt the negative recursive loop of social-threat. The improvements in social behavior can also improve the normatively stable trajectory of relational security by introducing a positive recursive loop of increases in relational security and positive social outcomes. Insecure individuals can behave in relaxed and positive manner, when social cues suggest that the risk of rejection has been reduced. Self-affirmation can eliminate the typical self-protective cognitive reactions of individuals with low self-esteem to self- threat in the lab. o The extent to which self-affirmation improved insecure participants' relational security at 4 weeks predicted additional improvements in social behavior another 4 weeks after that. Our finding that insecure participants continued to reap the social benefits of self-affirmation up to 8 weeks after the initial intervention.

three components of commitment.

o The conative component of commitment is intent to persist—feeling intrinsically motivated to continue the relationship o The cognitive component is long-term orientation -- envisioning one's self as involved in the relationship for the foreseeable future and considering the implications of current actions for future outcomes. o The affective component is psychological attachment— experiencing life in dyadic terms, such that one's emotional well-being is influenced by one's partner and their relationship.

• The authors found that the 25 stories could be grouped into seven principal components of love stories, each with a different theme. Understand the general theme of each of the seven components. Exam questions pertaining to this topic will provide the story types that are classified within each component, you just need to recall the related themes.

o The first component involved stories where the roles are distinctly not equal (less prosocial and more manipulative stories). Stories of horror, science fiction, mystery, theatre, war, autocratic government, and collection. o The second component involved stories in which partners are equal in the relationship, both actively involved in forming the relationship, and work cooperatively together (prosocial and nonmanipulative). Stories of democratic government, sewing, travel, and gardening. o The third component involved stories that are highly strategic or planned. Stories of cookbook, business, science, and game. o The fourth component involved stories where there is a strong emphasis on the role of the past, (escape from unhappiness in an individual's past). Stories of recovery, history, and addiction o The fifth component involved stories where there is a strong element of idealization. Stories of fantasy, art, and religion. o The sixth component involved stories in which one individual performs for the other. Stories of art, humor, and pornography. o The seventh component involved stories where one person is clearly subordinated to the other Stories of police and sacrifice.

• What three emotions did the authors find to be particularly destructive in marriages? Is the reciprocation of low-intensity negative affect predictive of marital instability? Is the reciprocation of high-intensity negative affect predictive of marital instability? In their exploratory analyses, what characteristics did the authors find to be typical of men who reject influence from their wives?

o The pattern predictive of divorce was negative start- up by the wife, refusal of the husband to accept influence from his wife, wife's reciprocation of low intensity negativity in kind, and the absence of de-escalation of low intensity negativity by the husband. o The wife's reciprocation of low-intensity negative affect - whining, anger, sadness, disgust, fear or tension, was found significant and predicted divorce. o Reciprocating high intensity negativity - the sum of belligerence, defensiveness, and contempt, did not predict either marital instability or unhappiness and the findings were insignificant. o Evidence shows that divorce was predicted only by the husband's refusing to accept influence from his wife. Typical traits of men who refuse influence appeared to have issues of power sharing and dissertation on violence. Research found that husbands that exhibit hostility, drug abuse, suffer financial or emotional hardships, and display dominating their wives were more likely to reject their wife's influence.

• Why are couples' similarities positive? Why are couples' differences positive? Why are couples' similarities and differences negative?

o Three primary explanations why similarity is positive: validation of selves, predictability, and interaction enjoyment. o Research on difference, discuss two primary explanations of why difference is positive: opportunity for selves to grow and facilitation of relationship adaptability. o Two reasons dominated why relationship parties found their similarities and differences negative: Conflict and Communication Difficulty. Individual Growth, negative side - loss of individual identity. Communication Difficulty, given similarity made their interaction effortful, awkward, and uncomfortable.

o Dependence =

the degree to which each of two interacting individuals needs their relationship, or the extent to which each individual's personal well-being rests on involvement in the relationship.

o Securely Attached People

• Believe it is easy to get close to others. • Report happy and trusting love relationships. • Demonstrate relatively positive images of romantic love (adaptive love metaphors). • Value the importance of relationships • Romances tend to last longer. • Marriages end in divorce least often. • Tend to hold beliefs that romantic love never fades. • Tend to rate parents as loving, responsive, and warm.

o Ambivalent/Preoccupied People

• Desire a high level of closeness that many partners don't seem willing to give. • Extreme preoccupation/worry about loved ones leaving them. • Tend to experience emotional extremes and jealousy in their relationships. • Find it easy to "fall in love" but difficult to find "true love." • Tend to give mixed reports about parents, relaying both extremely positive and extremely negative characteristics.

o Avoidant/Dismissive People

• Feel uneasy when people get to close to them (fear intimacy). • Have trouble trusting and depending on others and are prone to jealousy. • Hold a cynical picture of love (disbelieve depictions of head-over-heels romantic love). • Tend to believe that romantic love is rare and if it does happen, that it seldom lasts. • Regard romantic relationships as relatively unimportant. • Rate their parents harshly (mothers=not likeable and/or harsh; fathers=uncaring).