Relationships Exam 3

quid pro quo

"I'll do this if you'll do that" negotiating strategy, effective because it clarifies what each person is doing, can easily break down if one person fails to keep their part of the agreement

quid pro quid

"this for this" agreement to do something the other person asks you to do in exchange for being able to do something you want to do, helps avoid power struggles in which one partner feels she or he has to change simply because the other demands that things be different, disadvantage many couples have trouble reaching any type of mutually acceptable agreement

sexual responsiveness cont.

important for women to experience emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy females tend to be more aroused through tender loving touches combined with verbal expressions of live and affection

compromise style

intermediate on both aggression and cooperation and would identity with statements like "you have to be satisfied with part of the pie" or "when disagreements occur, you each have to give a little"

conflict cont.

it is inevitable in all relationships there is significantly more conflict in family relationships than any other group conflict is neither good nor bad, the issue is how we handle conflict in our relationships conflict may not be comfortable but can be positive increasing intimacy and satisfaction conflict and anger do not necessarily go together conflict does not symbolize an unhealthy relationship

husband dominant

husband makes decisions alone

ABC News Survey

43% of men said they thought about sex several times a day versus 13% of women •83% of men said they enjoyed sex a great deal, women were equally likely to say they were satisfied with their sex lives •women reported only having 6 sex partners in their life, men reported 20 •women reported a median of 3 sex partners, men a median of 8 •42% of men reported having sex on a first date, only 17% of women •84% of women said there is too much sex of TV, 62% of men •54% of women condoned sex before marriage 68% of men •31% of men said they slept in the nude, 14% of women •51% of women preferred sex with the lights off, 27% of men •54% of men thought participating in a sex chat room was cheating on their partner while 72% of women thought it was cheating • 15% of men paid for sex and 30% of single men had paid for sex, no women •about half the women have faked an orgasm

sharing our experience

Describe the event or situation State feelings and/or thoughts State personal and/or relational impact of situation State what is wanted

gender differences

Intimacy is key in a world of connections and cooperation (females) Independence is key in a world of status and competition (males) Women talk for interaction and men tend to talk for information Men to tend to stay in their heads and out of their feelings

effective listening

the ability to accurately receive and understand the meaning of a sent message

gender differences cont.

Men tend to see the world from a focused perspective and women from an expanded perspective Under stressful situations, females tend to share feelings, explore the situation and need to be touched and comforted Males tend to focus on the problem and forget about other things. They need solutions and want space to think and solve. They tend to withdraw For females, relationships are held together by communication and for men they are held together by activities

Communication patterns & intimacy

Person A Person B Relationship Who wins Level o f intimacy Passive Passive Devitalized Both lose Low Passive Aggressive Dominating 1 wins 1 loses Low Aggressive Aggressive Conflicted Both lose Low Assertive Passive Frustrated Both lose Low Assertive Aggressive Confrontational Both lose Low Assertive Assertive Vitalized Both win High

abstinence until marriage approach

argues that nonmarital sex is immoral behavior and people should "just say no"

non verbal communication

Non-verbals are easy to misinterpret Non-verbals are more powerful than our verbal communication Effective communication requires our non-verbals and verbal messages to be congruent

perception cont.

Represents our sense of reality and we tend to believe that our reality is right We don't always see the world as it is Perception is often limited and inadequate due to the lack of information It is NOT easy to change our perception

syncratic power

authority is shared and decisions are made on a joint basis is most areas

reward power base

based on the ability to provide rewards for desired behavior

coercive power base

based on the perception and fear another can punish you for acting or not acting a certain way

guidelines for managing conflict

choose your battles carefully remember the intent is to enhance the relationship focus of cooperation vs competition focus on the present situation attack the problem not the person remember problems are usually relationship problems and everyone contributes use good communication skills

five styles of conflict resolution

competitive style collaborative style compromise style avoidance style accommodating style

perception

how we see/view something

sending effective messages cont.

When appropriate use "I" messages Make messages complete, direct, specific, clear and most important supportive Make verbal and non-verbal messages congruent Organize your thoughts before speaking Utilize appropriate timing and place Use language and references that the receiver will understand Be aware of and minimize barriers especially those that can cause defensiveness

communication cont.

You CAN NOT NOT communicate The goal of effective communication is mutual understanding Majority of our communication is non-verbal Communication patterns are learned Communication is transactional Common problem is false assumptions

sexual responsiveness

combination of biological, cognitive, psychological, and social factors how we express ourselves sexually is learned males sex hormone (testosterone) levels remain fairly constant females sex hormone (estrogen) level vary during the month men are more aroused by what they see than females men are generally aroused quickly while women's arousal tend to be more gradual

sending effective messages

how we send messages are key to the other person's ability to hear and understand

agreeing to disagree

after exploring all alternatives, a mutually agreeable solution is not always possible, when the issue is not critical to the maintenance of the relationship this leaves open the possibility of finding a solution later, when the differences are more basic however this will only work in the short run

sexuality education programs and their effectiveness

comprehensive approach abstinence until marriage approach •comprehensive sex education helps delay the onset of sexual activity, reduce the frequency of sexual activity, reduce the number of sexual partners, and increase condom and contraceptive use •abstinence only programs provide "little if any evidence" that the programs are effective

guidelines for managing conflict..avoid the four "horsemen of apocalypse"

criticism contempt defensiveness stonewalling

legitimate power base

derived from acceptance of the view that certain roles or positions carry with them rights and privileges to demand compliance EX) police, boss, parents

autonomic power

each spouse has about equal authority but in different areas of life and essentially makes decisions in her or his particular domain independent of the other

Hierarchy of conflict

exchange on daily events •discussion of ideas •expression of feelings •need for decision •problem solving •crisis •as you get further down the list tension and need for a decision increases

emotionally expressive couples

full of feelings and can range from intense feelings of love and anger, sex is often passionate, exciting, fun, and playful, sex occurs as a way of making up from conflict or fight, conflict can often drive the couple apart and it could end in a "divorce from hell"

conflict cont..

healthy conflict management requires time, skills, and a win win attitude that which is important to us has the potential for conflict we must be able to express negative feelings or we reverse the intimacy cycle

collaborative style

highly assertive in regard to reaching their goals but have a great deal of concern for the other person

college students attitudes & behaviors cont.

males tend to be more sexually permissive than females men tend to see sex as sex and expect sexual intimacy sooner men preferred more permissive females in casual dating and less permissive females in committed relationships females tend to see sex as an expression of love females tend to limit and slow movement toward increasing levels of sexual intimacy

igniting or "you" messages

messages that demand, blame, label, or accuse and projects thoughts, feelings, and needs on to the other person

inviting or "I" messages

messages that invite the listener to hear and understand and takes ownership and responsibility for thoughts, feelings, and needs without placing judgement on the other person

barriers to good sexual relationship

misuse of sexual relationship lack of intimacy lack of effective communication about sexual feelings and issues lack of knowledge about self and other gender sexuality anxiety produced in and outside of relationships fatigue and other physical problems over emphasis on performance comparison with previous partners negative training and or experiences

extramarital sexual relations

most Americans practice fidelity most people feel that extramarital sex is always wrong and damages the marital relationship most people become involved in extramarital relationships because they feel something is missing in their relationship most extramarital sex is not a love affair, but more sexual than emotional men are more likely to have affairs when younger and women when older

complementary couples

most common marital style, sex becomes a low priority and often becomes routine, usually the male is in charge of sexuality and he overemphasizes intercourse at the expense of affection and intimacy, as the couple ages sexuality drop considerably

power

most of the time we are not aware of the power aspects of our relationship people often think that they have less power than they really do level of investment impacts the power a person has:those who care the least have the most power imbalance of power has negative impact personally on the relationship

conflict minimizing couples

most stable couple style, strong emotional expression is discouraged, male initiates sex and decides on the sexual style, sex is very predictable and rarely discussed

avoidance style

nonassertive and passive behaviors, pursue neither their own concerns nor the concerns of the other person, usually sets the stage for further conflict

accommodating style

nonassertive but cooperative behaviors, put aside personal concerns to satisfy the wants and needs of the other person

college students attitudes & behaviors

premarital intercourse has continued to increase consistently by the late 90s over 80% of women born after 1953 reported being sexually active prior to marriage even in the 1940s 85% of men were sexually active prior to marriage both males and females seem to engage in more permissive behavior than they believe is proper and show increase in permissiveness at each stage of dating

listening checklist

prepare and focus/be authentic be respectful confirm understanding clarify confusion/ask questions provide feedback be aware

expert power base

related to belief that a person possess certain knowledge or skill that you don't have giving them more influence over that issue or decision EX) salesman, politicians, lawyer

referent power base

resides in the degree to which one identifies with another and receives satisfaction by acting like them EX) siblings, parents, peers, religion, military, celebrities

sexuality in committed relationships

sexuality is a part of our total being and a powerful form of communication good sexual relationships is more likely to be a result of satisfying interpersonal relationship than the cause estimates are that 50% of couples experience some form of sexual difficulty or incompatibility sexual difficulties are usually psychologically based rather than physically determined marital sex tends to diminish in frequency the longer a couple is married

conflict

simply disagreement, differences, dissatisfaction over something-it is issue oriented

comprehensive approach

stresses abstinence and responsible decision making but also includes info on contraception and avoiding STD

competitive style

tend to be aggressive and uncooperative, pursing personal concerns at the expense of the other

communication

the sending and receiving of messages or information

steps of effective problems solving

time of personal reflection setting a time setting ground rules state the problem proposing change evaluating consequences of alternatives reach mutually agreeable solution clarify the agreement evaluate the solution at a later time

best friend couples

values intimacy and considers friendship to be a strong foundation of their marriage, when the relationship works well sex is an integral part of the marriage, sex energizes the relationship and the marital bond is strong, difficult style to maintain and it has a high rate or divorce, high expectations and disillusion rob the marriage of its excitement and pleasure

effective listening is hard

we listen 5-10 times faster than someone can speak requires focused attention hearing is a physical act, listening is a mental act important to be aware of barriers to effective listening appropriate feedback and timing

wife dominant

wife makes decisions alone

sexuality education and parents

•51% of teen had discussed with their parents "how to know when you are ready for sex" •43% of teens had discussed with their parents how to talk to a boyfriend or girlfriend about sexual health issues, such as pregnancy, birth control, and STDs •among the male teens, 50% had discussed condoms, but only 35% had discussed other forms of birth control with parents •56% of teens had discussed HIV/AIDS with their parents •50% of teens had discussed STIs with their parents

why can't parents and teens talk about sex?

•83% of teens worry about their parents reaction •88% worried that parents would think they have had sex or are going to have sex •78% cited embarrassment •78% of teens said they didn't know how to bring up the subject with parents

happy vs unhappy couples-Olson and colleagues

•85% of happy couples agree on how to spend money versus 43% of unhappy couples •67% of happy couples are happy with their decision to save versus 29% of unhappy couples •69% of happy couples do not have debt as a major problem versus 35% of unhappy couples •74% of happy couples claim that their partner does not try to control their finances versus 43% of unhappy couples •69% of happy couples say that credit cards are not a problem for them versus 42% of unhappy couples

sexuality in later years

•ages 45 years and older •for more than half of those participating in the study, sexual activity contributed to their quality of life •a vast majority of individuals in this study had a positive attitude about sex •one half of the respondents said they were extremely or somewhat satisfied with their sex life •those in the younger age groups were more satisfied with their sex life than those who were 70 years and older •women were more satisfied than men •approximately one third of all participants with regular sexual partners had sexual intercourse once a week or more •two thirds of the participants were married or had a regular sexual partner and most had been with that partner for more than ten years •approximately two thirds of participants who had a regular sex partner said they discussed sexual satisfaction with their partner •health problems identified as the most significant factor affecting sexual satisfaction •one fifth of participants more men than women have sought treatment for sexual dysfunction •fourteen percent of participants used medicines hormones and other treatments to improve sexual function and activity •less stress and more initiative from their partner were cited as things that could increase sexual satisfaction

facts about anger

•anger is a feeling with psychological components •anger is universal among human beings •the nonexpression of anger leads to an increased risk of coronary disease •the venting of anger-catharsis-is of value only when it sets the stage for resolution •most anger is directed toward those close to us, not toward strangers

women's sexual health and behavior

•approximately 40% of women across all age groups reported having masturbated during the past year, except for women over 70 years of age •approximately 43% of women reported vaginal intercourse being the most common sexual behavior with which they engaged •percentages of women engaging in vaginal intercourse began decreasing in their 30s •approximately 80% of women over 70 years had no vaginal intercourse in the previous year •oral sex was more common with women, with more than half of women from 18 to 49 years of age having had oral sex from a male partner in the past year •anal sex was a behavior 40% of women engaged in during their lifetime •same sex behavior was reported by less than 5% of women during the past year •oral sex with other women was the most prevalent same sex behavior

top five sexual problems for couples

•dissatisfaction with the amount of affection received from a partner •different levels of sexual interest •sexual relationships become less interesting and enjoyable •sexual relationships are not satisfying or fulfilling •dissatisfaction with the level of openness in discussing sexual topics

gender differences in self disclosure

•females receive more disclosure than do males •females disclose more to females than males do to males •females disclose more to males than males do to females •females disclose more to females than males do to females •females that are attractive receive more disclosure from males

happy vs unhappy couples-skogrand and colleagues

•for most couples one of the partners handled day to day finances •couples with great marriages had little or no debt or had a goal of paying debt off •couples lived within their means and many considered themselves frugal •managing finances well contributes to a great marriage •having a strong marriage, which typically included having good communication and conflict resolution skills, helped couples more effectively manage their money •helping couples strengthen their marriages will help them address financial issues

gay and lesbian couples

•gay and lesbian couples are more upbeat in the fact of conflict than heterosexual couples •gay and lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile, and emotional tactics that heterosexual couples when communicating with each other •in a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally •unhappy gay and lesbian couples tend to show low levels of physiological arousal

credit card

•having several credit cards has become the norm for most adults •average credit card debt for the typical American was about $3,000 in 2012 •two thirds of families carry a monthly balance

men and women's sexual behavior

•in general both men and women begin partnered sexual relations at age 14 with sexual activity increasing sharply for 18 to 24 year olds •findings showing sexual activities continue during the 20s and through the 40s with a decline beginning in the 50s and continuing into older age •changes in sexual activity as one ages is considered to be attributed to health issues and loss of a partner

annual household expenses

•largest percentage of their income on three items: food, housing, and apparel •one parent families spend the highest percentage of their income on housing 30% while the average for other families is about 25% •two parent households with young children spend the least on food compared to other families because they eat at home more often •in general people spend most of their income on housing 30% about 15% on food and 5% on apparel

egalitarian roles and marital satisfaction

•more equal relationships are highly related to marital satisfaction •if both partners perceive their relationship as egalitarian, 81% are happy and 19% are unhappy •if both partners see their marriage as traditional only 18% feel happy and 82% are unhappy •when the husband says the relationship is traditional and the wife says it is equal, half the marriages are happy and half are unhappy •when the wife says the relationship is traditional and the husband says it is equal only 37% are happy and 63% are unhappy •it is the wife's perception of equality that is most predictive of couple satisfaction

men's sexual health and behavior

•most men reported masturbating during the past year, with the exception of younger teens and older men and most masturbation was done alone •most men from 18 to 19 years of age had experience of vaginal intercourse, it was not common •men in the 25 to 49 year category experienced vaginal intercourse more often than other sexual behaviors •85% of men in their 20s and 30s experienced vaginal intercourse at least once in the previous year, with the percentages dropping to 74% among men in their 40s and 58% of men in their 50s •some, but not many, men experience partner noncoital behaviors such as partnered masturbation or oral sex across all age categories •anal intercourse was less common but not rare by men across all ages •anal sex was most common in men ages 25 to 49 years of age •approximately 6% of men from 18 to 59 years had engaged in same sex behavior such as oral or anal sex with another man in the past year

how much a family should spend on housing

•no more than 1 week's take-home pay per month for housing expenses

Top five conflict problems for couples

•one person ends up feeling responsible for the problem •I go out of my way to avoid conflict with my partner •we have different ideas about the best way to solve disagreements •some of our differences never seem to get resolved •we sometimes have serious disputes over unimportant issues

pros and cons of pooling money

•pooling is simpler because there are fewer accounts to balance •pooling entails some loss of independence because each spouse must keep the other informed about financial transactions •another approach is to pool some money from each person cover joint expenses and for each person to also keep a smaller but separate checking account and credit card •the problem with each individual having more freedom is when the total from the joint expenses and the two separate expenses cannot be paid

5. Positive cycle vs negative cycle of communication and impact on relationship

•positive communication cycle consists of assertiveness and self confidence •negative communication cycle consists of avoidance and partner dominance •an assertive person is able to ask for what they want without demanding it or infringing on the rights of others •assertive individuals feel better about their partners and their relationships than non assertive individuals •the level of intimacy increases with assertiveness because both partners are able to ask for what they want and increase the probability they will get what they want •avoidant couples often minimize conflict by agreeing to disagree or stonewalling •assertiveness has a very positive impact on a couple's relationship whereas avoidance has a negative influence •avoidance leads to a decrease in intimacy

characteristics of power

•power is a system of property •power is an interactive process involving one family member who desires something from one or more other family members •power is also a dynamic process, not a static one •power changes over time •power has both perceptual and behavioral aspects

What are top five communication problems for couples

•sharing feelings •asking partners for what they want •partners not understanding how the other feels •refusal to discuss issues or problems •comments that put each other down

Self-disclosure in friendships and intimate relationships

•the amount of self disclosure in friendships is very high but seems to drop for couples who begin dating •while engaged and happily married the amount of self disclosure rises again, but only to drop if the marriage becomes unhappy

Miller and Miller: 3 motives or goals among listeners

•to lead by persuading •to clarify by directing •to discover by attending

myths about anger

•venting releases anger and therefore deals with it •women get less angry than men •some people never get angry •anger always results from frustration •TV violence, active sports, and/or competitive work release anger