The Odd Couple - Oscar's Lines - Act 3

Murray: One thing has nothing to do with the other. We all know he's impossible but he's still our friend and he's still out on the street, and I'm still worried about him.

And I'm not, heh? I'm not concerned? I'm not worried? Who do you think sent him out there in the first place?

Felix: All right, how much longer is this gonna go on?

Are you talking to me?

Vinnie: Why should he?

Because it's his wife.

Gwendolyn: Gwendolyn Pigeon. Please don't get up. May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison?

Certainly, Gwen. What's the matter?

Felix: Walk on the paper, will you? The floors are wet. Alright, keep away. Keep away from me.

Come on. Let me get in one shot. You pick it. Head, stomach, or kidneys.

Felix: What's the matter, Oscar? Can't cope with a little guilt feelings-?

Damn you. I've been looking forward to throwing you out all day long and now you even take the pleasure out of that.

Felix: Don't blame me. I warned you not to make the date in the first place.

Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it!

Felix: How can I leave if you're blocking the door?

Felix, we've been friends a long time. For the sake of that friendship, please say, "Oscar, we can't stand each other, let's break up."

Gwendolyn: I think you know... I've come for Felix's things.

Felix... My Felix?

Felix: And completely unreliable.

Finished?

Felix: For what?

For the two greatest things I ever did for you. Taking you in and throwing you out.

Felix: Oscar... I'd like you to take a couple of phenobarbital.

Go to your room!... Did you hear what I said? Go to your room!

Felix: That's it. I'm finished. Now you've been told off. How do you like that?

Good. Because now I'm going to tell you off... For six months I lived alone in this apartment. All alone in eight rooms... I was dejected, desponded and disgusted... Then you moved in. My dearest and closest friend... And after three weeks of close, personal contact-I am about to have a nervous break down!... Do me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle and your meat for thermometer... When you want to come out, ring a bell and I'll run into the bedroom. I'm asking you nicely, Felix... As a friend... Stay out of my way!

Felix: Well, so long, fellows.

Hello?... Yeah, Blanche. I got a pretty good idea why you're calling. You got my checks, right?... Good. So now I'm all paid up... No, no, I didn't win at the track. I've just been able to save a little money... I've been eating home a lot. Listen, Blanche, you don't have to thank me. I'm just doing what's right... Well, that's nice of you, too... The apartment? No, I think you'd be shocked... It's in surprisingly good shape... Say, Blanche, did Brucey get the goldfish I sent him?... Yeah, well, I'll speak to you again soon, huh?... Whenever you want. I don't go out much anymore...

Felix: Just for a few days. Until I find my own place... Well, so long, fellows. You can drop your crumbs on the rug again.

Hey, Felix. Aren't you going to thank me?

Felix: Yeah?

How about next Friday night? You're not going to break up the game, are you?

Vinnie: Let what be on your head?

How should I know? Felix put it there! Ask him!

Vinnie: What's with him? I asked him where he's going and he said, "Only Oscar knows. Only Oscar knows." Where's he going, Oscar?

How the hell should I know? All right, let's get the game started, heh? Come on, get your chips.

Felix: I see... Well, that's plain enough.

I could make it plainer but I don't want to hurt you.

Vinnie: Isn't he playing tonight?

I don't want to discuss it. I don't even want to hear his name.

Felix: Did you hear what I said? I'm not cleaning it up. It's your mess. look at it. Hanging all over the walls.

I like it.

Felix: It's coming now! ...You're also one of the biggest slobs in the world.

I see.

Vinnie: Who? Felix?

I told you not to mention his name.

Murray: Oscar, don't be childish. We've got to let him in.

I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing we've been worrying about him. Sit down. Play cards. Like nothing happened.

Felix: What are you talking about?

It's all over, Felix. The whole marriage. We are getting an annulment! Don't you understand? I don't want to live with you anymore. I want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran Wrap and get out of here.

Felix: You're gonna find yourself in one sweet law suit, Oscar.

It's no use running, Felix. There's only eight rooms and I know the shortcuts.

Felix: That's right. Something must have caused you to go off the deep end like this. What is it? Something I said? Something I did? Heh? What?

It's nothing you said. It's nothing you did. It's you!

Felix: And irresponsible.

Keep going. I think you're hot.

Felix: You'd just let it lie there, wouldn't you? Until it turns hard and brown and...yich...It's disgusting... I'm cleaning it up.

Leave it alone!... You touch one strand of that linguini-and I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses.

Felix: It's not spaghetti. It's linguini!

Now it's garbage!

Felix: You're right, Oscar. Thanks a lot. Getting kicked out twice is enough for any man... In gratitude, I remove the curse.

Oh, bless you and thank you. Wicked Witch of the North.

Gwendolyn: How do you do?

Oh, hello, Cecily. Boys, I'd like you to meet Cecily Pigeon.

Felix: All right. There you are. I'm paid up for today. Now I'm going to walk in your bedroom.

Stay out of there! Stay out of my room!

Felix: Yeah, you're serious. Well, let me remind you that I pay half the rent and I'll go into any room I want.

Where are you going?

Felix: I'll let you know what to do about my clothes... Either I'll call...or someone else will. I'd like to leave now.

Where will you go?

Vinnie: Why shouldn't I mention his name?

Who?

Murray: He'll go to pieces. I know Felix. He's gonna try something crazy.

Why do you think I did it? You think I'm just selfish? That I wanted to be cruel? I did it for you... I did it for all of us.

Felix: You know, I've got a good mind to really leave.

Why doesn't he ever listen to what I say? Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking... I recognize my voice.

Murray: Frances sent him out in the first place. You sent him out in the second place. And whoever he lives with next will send him out in the third place... Don't you understand? It's Felix. He does it to himself.

Why?

Murray: Hey, did you know there's spaghetti all over the kitchen?

Yes, I know and it's not spaghetti, it's linguini.

Felix: Are you talking to me?

You had your chance to talk last night. I begged you to come upstairs with me. From now on I never want to hear a word from that shampooed head as long as you live. That's a warning, Felix.

Gwendolyn: Yes. Felix Ungar. That sweet, tortured man who's in my flat at this moment pouring his heart out to my sister.

You here? I'm worried to death and he's up there getting tea and sympathy.

Felix: I'm going to walk around your bedroom.

You stay out of there.

Gwendolyn: How could you possibly be in anyone's way?

You want to see a typewritten list?

Felix: Forgive me for spoiling your fun. I'm leaving now... according to your wishes and desires.

You're not leaving here until you take it back.

Felix: Take what back?

"Let it be on your head." ... What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Vinnie: What?

A Luau! A Hawaiian Luau! Spareribs, roast pork and fried rice... They don't play poker like that in Honolulu.

Felix: You mean actually move out...?

Actually, physically and immediately. I don't care where you go. Move into the Museum of Natural History. I'm sure you'll be very comfortable there. You can dust around the Egyptian mummies to your heart's content. But I'm a human living person. All I want is my freedom. Is that too much to ask for? There... You are all packed.

Felix: Oho! So that's what's bothering you. That I loused up your evening!

After the mood you put them in, I'm surprised they didn't go out to Rockaway and swim back to England.

Felix: Where? ... Oh, come on, Oscar. You're not really interested, are you?

All right, Felix, you win. We'll try to iron it out. Anything you want. Come back, Felix... Felix...? Felix? Don't leave me like this. -You louse! All right, Oscar, get a hold of yourself!... He's gone! Keep saying that over and over... He's gone. He's really gone! He did it. He put a curse on me. It's on my head. I don't know what it is, but something's on my head. Please let it be him. Please let it be Felix. Please give me one more chance to kill him.

Vinnie: Oscar...

All right, Vinnie, open the door.

Vinnie: What did I say?

All right, the poker game is over. I don't want to play anymore.

Roy: What are you talking about?

All right, we've all been through the napkins and the ashtrays and the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches... But that was just the beginning. Just the beginning. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game? As a change of pace. Do you have any idea?

Felix: Is this how you settle your problems, Oscar? Like an animal?

All right. You wanna see how I settle my problems. I'll show you. I'll show you how I settle them. There! That's how I settle them!

Felix: Oscar... You're asking to hear something I don't want to say. But if I say it, I think you'd better hear it.

If you've got anything on your chest besides your chin, you'd better get it off.

Felix: What is it, the cooking? The cleaning? The crying?

I'll tell you exactly what it is. It's the cooking, cleaning and crying... It's the talking in your sleep, it's the moose calls that open your ears at two o'clock in the morning... I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm crackin' up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me... You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." ... It took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Ungar... It's not your fault, Felix. It's a rotten combination.

Felix: You are crazy! ...I'm a neurotic nut but you are crazy!

I'm crazy, heh? That's really funny coming from a fruitcake like you.

Murray: I don't know why. He doesn't know why. There are people like that. There's a whole tribe in Africa who hit themselves on the head all day long.

I'm not going to worry about him. Why should I? He's not worrying about me. He's somewhere out on the streets sulking and crying and having a wonderful time... If he had a spark of human decency he would leave us all alone and go back to Blanche.

Felix: Watch yourself! Just watch yourself, Oscar!

I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table.

Felix: All right, I warned you... You're a wonderful guy, Oscar. You've done everything for me. If it weren't for you, I don't know what would have happened to me. You took me in here, gave me a place to live and something to live for. I'll never forget you for that. You're tops with me, Oscar.

If I've just been told off, I think I may have missed it.

Felix: All right... let's everybody just settle down, heh?

If you want to live through this night, you'd better tie me up and lock your doors and windows.

Felix: I'm not cleaning that up.

Is that a promise?

Speed: I thought you said you're not worried about him?

Is that all you can do is complain? Have you given one single thought to where Felix might be?

Speed: Who's playing? We didn't even start.

Is that all you can do is complain? Have you given one single thought to where Felix might be?

Felix: Undependable.

Is that it?

Felix: Get out of my way, please.

Is this how you left that night with Frances? No wonder she wanted to have the room repainted right away. I'm going to have your dipped in bronze.

Felix: What are you talking about, the London broil?

No, not the London broil. I'm talking about those two lamb chops. I had it all set up with that English Betty Boop and her sister and I wind up drinking tea all night and telling them your life story.

Felix: In other words you're throwing me out.

Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones.

Felix: Where are you going?

Not me, you idiot! You. You're the one who's going. I want you out of here. Now! Tonight!

Felix: That you're throwing me out. I'm perfectly willing to stay and clear the air of our differences... But you refuse, right?

Right... I'm sick and tired of you clearing the air. That's why I want you to leave!

Murray: But, Oscar-

Sit down. Everybody... Come on... Sit down and play poker.

Felix: Me? Never! Marriages may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.

So long, Blanche. All right, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?

Vinnie: No, Blanche is your wife. His wife is Frances.

What are you, some kind of wise guy?

Felix: That's right, I'm talking to you.

What do you want to know?

Felix: Ha! Haha!

What the hell's so funny?

Felix: When am I going, huh? Boy, You're in a bigger hurry than Frances was...

Take as much time as she gave you. I want you to follow your usual routine.

Felix: Don't tell me where to go. I pay a hundred and twenty dollars a month.

That was off-season. Starting tomorrow the rates are twelve dollars a day.

Felix: I get the picture.

That's just the frame. The picture I haven't even painted yet... I got a type written list in my office of the "Ten Most Aggravating Things You Do That Drive Me Berserk." ... But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the ever loving lulu of all times.

Felix: All right, Oscar, I'd like to know what's happened.

What's happened?

Felix:All right, Oscar, get off my back. Get off! Off!

What's this? A display of temper? I haven't seen you really angry since the day I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter.

Felix: All right... I just wanted to get the record straight. Let it be on your conscience.

What...? What...? Let what be on my conscience?

Felix: I don't think I gather the entire meaning of that remark.

Then I'll explain it to you. Stay out of my way.

Felix: Because if you really want me to go, I'll go.

Then go. I want you to go, so go. When are you going?

Roy: We're gonna play poker.

Then let's play poker. And watch your cigarettes, will you? This is my house, not a pig sty.

Felix: I want to know in you're going to spend the rest of your life not talking to me. Because if you are, I'm going to buy a radio. Well? I see. You're not going to talk to me. All right. Two can play at this game. If you're not going to talk to me, I'm not going to talk to you. I can act childish too, you know. I can go on without talking just as long as you can.

Then why the hell don't you shut up?

Felix: I stand warned... Over and Out!

There's a key to the back door. If you stick to the hallway and your room, you won't get hurt.

Felix: I think you're serious. I think you're really serious... Are you serious?

This is my apartment. Everything in my apartment is mine. The only thing here that's yours is you. Just stay in your room and speak softly.

Murray: Frances!

What?

Felix: Okay... As long as I heard you say the words, "Get out of the house." ...Fine... But remember, what happens to me is your responsibility. Let it be on your head.

Wait a minute, dammit! Why can't you be thrown out like a decent human being? Why do you have to say things like, "Let it be on your head"? I don't want it on my head. I just want you out of the house.

Speed: Yeah, what's the matter with Felix?

We broke up! I kicked him out. It was my decision. I threw them out of the house. All right?... I admit it. Let it be on my head.

Felix: Well, good night, Mr. Madison. If you need me again, I get a dollar-fifty an hour.

Well, kiss the kids for me. Good night, Blanche. Felix?...