The practice of forgiveness and reconciliation

forbearance

To forbear means to refrain from revenge or punishment after someone has hurt us or transgressed against us Forbearance is essential because its opposite—Revenge—guarantees that people will have an even harder time coming back together in a renewed state of trust

Four Key Aspects of Reconciliation

Truth Forbearance Empathy A commitment to remain in the relationship

compelled

offered without adequate understanding of the full effect of one's actions

expedient

the goal is to avoid rather than engage

Sincere/good Apology

Acknowledgement of harm without an accompanying justification Acceptance rather than deflection of responsibility Sincere expression of regret/remorse Reparation of some form (compensation) Assurance of safety in future relationship Reaffirmation of shared value Explanation, if requested by harmed other

What forgiveness is not

Condoning Excusing Pardoning Forgetting Reconciliation

3 types of apologies

Expedient Compelled Delayed or surrogate

empathy

Feeling with or for another person Empathy is rooted in the realization that the one who hurt us remains human and needs our kindness Empathy recognizes that at some point we may have done to someone else the very thing we are now trying to transcend

Misconceptions about Forgiveness

Forgiveness does not dismiss or minimize an event or situation Forgiveness is not indifferent about justice

Self-forgiveness

Forgiving oneself can be particularly difficult because it first requires that we recognize the two different images of ourselves The person we think we are and The person who caused some harm As long as we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, then we can't possibly be the person who caused harm Self-forgiveness requires we see these two selves clearly and help them recognize and accept each other

Forgiveness and reconciliation

In the context of interpersonal conflict, forgiveness is a process undertaken by one person in relation to another, with or without interaction with that person Reconciliation is a process of reestablishing relationship, renewing trust, settling differences so that cooperation and a sense of harmony are restored Forgiveness does not necessarily reestablish relationship Forgiveness is primarily for the benefit of the person who has been harmed Reconciliation reflects the mutual interests of two parties and embodies a willingness to reengage in the relationship belief that further injury is less likely to occur and that the benefits of a new association outweigh the risks

what is forgiveness?

Intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

commitment

Our web of relationships bind us together, whether families or communities A sense of how what happens to one person affects others, places responsibility on us to work things out with one another

Delayed or surrogate

Someone far removed from the wrongdoing accepts responsibility for the harm and offers an apology on their behalf.

Receiving forgiveness

Sometimes forgiveness can be very hard to receive after we have done the harm Accepting forgiveness requires we shift our attention from the fear of retribution or guilt over something we have done wrong to the possibility of freedom from this fear A person hoping to receive forgiveness must wait for the gift of forgiveness to come from the person who has been harmed

truth

The ability to acknowledge, honor, and communicate about what happened and its effect

Reconciliation

The process of repairing a relationship so that reengagement, trust, and cooperation become possible after a transgression or violation It may be good to forgive but not safe to reconcile