CFS 255 Test 3

Trust (4)

-A key component of close friendship is Trust which has two dimensions: --Confidence that others will be dependable --Assumes emotional reliability (belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare) -Trust develops gradually and in degrees -Trust depends on -- Individual histories --Family scripts --Willingness to take risks

2) Win-Lose

-Assumes that one person wins at the expense of another -Disagreements are battles that can have only one winner --More common in certain cultures --Has consequences for the relationship especially in terms of the "loser" position

3) Win-Win

-Assumes there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains --When all people are committed to finding a mutually acceptable solution, a win-win resolution is possible --Accommodations/Compromises may be necessary

Comfort with Relational Dialectics (opposing forces, or tensions, that are normal in relationships) #4

-Autonomy/ Connection: desire to be autonomous/independent and the desire to be close/connected -Novelty-Predictability: wanting routine familiarity and wanting novelty in a relationship -Openness-Closedness: wanting open communication and needing a degree of privacy

Trust (3)

-Believing in another's reliability and emotionally relying on another to look out for our welfare and our relationship -Self-Disclosure: the revelation of personal information about ourselves that others are unlikely to discover in other ways

Responses to Conflict (North Americans)

-Can be active or passive -Can also be constructive or destructive

Support and Culture

-Culture also influences orientations toward friendship - In a study of Japanese and American friendships both groups preferred friends who were similar to them in age and ethnic heritage -Japanese qualities: togetherness, trust and warmth -American qualities: understanding, respect and sincerity -Different priorities for friendship in four ethnic groups

Commitment (2)

-Decision to stay in a relationship AND the intention to share a future -When partners make a commitment, they take responsibility for continuing to invest in and care for their bond

Defensive and Supportive Climates

-Defensive Climates: feel disconfirmed and on guard, less likely to communicate openly -Supportive Climates: feel supported and confirmed, more likely to communicate freely

Chapter 12: Diversity in Family Life

-Diverse forms of family -Diverse goals for families -Cultural diversity of family forms -Diversity of paths to commitment

Translating Evaluative Statements Into Descriptive Statements

-E= "This report is poorly done" -- D= This report does not include relevant background information

Emotional Closeness (2)

-Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences, and out of becoming familiar and comfortable together -Although most people agree that closeness is central to close friendships, sex and gender influence how we experience and express intimacy with friends

Confirming and Disconfirming Climates

-Essence of confirmation is feeling known and validated as an individual -Communication climates exist on a continuum from confirming to disconfirming

Chapter 9: Interpersonal Conflict

-Exists when there is expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive that they have incompatible goals and feel a need to resolve those differences

Acceptance (3)

-Expect friends to accept us, including our flaws -being accepted by others is important to our self-worth

Defining Interpersonal Conflict

-Expressed tension: conflict exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed (which can be in various ways) -Interdependence: can be in I-Thou and I-You relationships -Perceived incompatible goals -the felt need for resolution: conflict is more than just having differences. Conflict involves two perceptions: -Our concerns are at odds with another person -We and the other person must resolve our differences

Intimacy (3)

-Feelings of closeness, connection and tenderness -Underlies both passion and commitment

Emotional Closeness through Dialogue (2)

-For some people, communication is the centerpiece of friendship, especially talk as a way to establish intimacy -Women see talking and listening-face-to-face or virtually-as the main activities that create and sustain closeness

Willingness to Invest (1)

-Friends are built on personal investments. We expect them to invest: 1)Time 2)Effort 3)Thought 4)Feeling

Chapter Ten: Expectations of Friends

-Friends provide us with: 1)Intimacy 2)Acceptance 3)Trust 4)Practical Assistance 5)Support --People differ in how they express these things

Diversity in Family Life

-How many different kinds of families are in your social circle 1)Diverse forms of family -50% of people in US are married (could be 2nd or 3rd) -1/3 of adults in U.S. have never married -40% of births are to unmarried parents (also-adoption, divorce, etc.)

Fathering

-Increased research on role of fathers, fathering and expectations for fathers -Types of Dads: 1)"Superdads" 2) "Traditionals" 3)"Transitionals"

Commitment (2)

-Intention to remain involved with a relationship -Commitment vs. Love -Commitment vs. Passion

Social Penetration Theory

-Intimacy grows as interaction between people penetrates from the outer to inner layers of each person's personality (an "I-Thou relationship)

Features of Satisfying Relationships

-Investment-contributions -Commitment-choice -Trust-action/words -Comfort with relational dialectics: Relational dialectics: opposing forces that are continuous and normal in relationships

Confirming Communication

-Involves person-centeredness (recognizing another's feelings+ideas as legitimate) -Communication that is disconfirming (not person-centered) denies, ignores, challenges, or does not attend to others' feelings and ideas)

5) Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

-Lack of conflict isn't necessarily a symptom of a healthy relationship

Emotional Closeness through Doing (2)

-Often the primary emphasis in men's friendships -Sharing activities can also create and express closeness

Navigation

-Ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs (includes relational dialectics) -Relational culture -Placemaking

3) Social groups share the meaning of conflict behaviors

-Our cultural membership and socialization affect how we view and respond to conflict -Cultural differences -Differences among social communities --Gender, Sexual Orientation, Race/Ethnicity 4) Conflict can be managed well or poorly

2) Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly

-Passive aggression -Covert conflict

Diverse goals for families (2)

-Reasons people want to be involved in a long-term relationship -Past v. Present -Current emphasis? Current goals for marriage? For families?

Chapter Eleven: Committed Romantic Relationships

-Relationships between individuals who assume they will be primary and continuing parts of each other's lives

Five Guidelines for Effective Communication During Conflict

1)Focus on the overall communication system 2)Time conflict purposefully 3)Aim for win-win conflict 4)Honor yourself, your partner, and the relationship 5)Show grace when appropriate

3 Stages-Development of Romantic Relationships

1)Growth 2)Navigation 3)Deterioration

Growth

1)Individuality 2)Invitational communication-interest in interacting -"Hooking up" -Proximity, similarity, environmental spoiling 3)Explorational communication: exchanging info to find common ground and interests 4)Intensifying communication 5)Revising communication 6)Commitment

Deterioration- 5 Stages

1)Intrapsychic processes-focus thoughts on problems and shortcomings 2)Dyadic processes-discussion of problems and dissatisfaction 3)Social support-look to friends/family for support 4)Grave-dressing processes-accepting its end 5)Resurrection processes-moving on w/o one another

Three Orientations to Conflict: Approaches To Conflictual Situations

1)Lose-Lose: assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that is unhealthy and destructive for relationships -People using this approach try to avoid conflict at all costs

Four Guidelines for Effective Communication in Families

1)Maintain equity (fairness) in family relationships - Social exchange theory: people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships (cost- undesirable elements of being in a relationship, rewards-desirable elements) -Equity theory: fairness, based on the perception that both people invest equally in a relationship and benefit similarly from their investments -"Second Shift": work that one partner (usually mother) does after coming home from a shift in the paid labor force outside of the home 2)Make daily choices that enhance intimacy 3) Show respect and Consideration

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions

1)Neutralization 2)Selection 3)Separation 4)Reframing

3 Dimensions of Romantic Relationships (Overlap and Intersect)

1)Passion: intensely positive feelings and passionate desire for another person

Styles of Loving-Secondary

1)Pragma-combination of storge and ludus/practical,logical love 2)Mania-eros and ludus/jealousy, dependence 3)Agape-eros and storge/sacrifice, giving without asking for anything in return

Six Stages of Friendship Development

1)Role limited interaction 2)Friendly relations 3)Moving toward friendship -Many friendships stay in this casual friendships stage 4)Nascent friendship 5)Stabilized friendship -Relational rules: unspoken understandings that regulate how people interact 6) Waning friendship -Drifting apart (moves or other demands) -Deteriorate because they have run their course or become boring) -Violations of trust or other rules

Communication Patterns in Families (Conformity/Conversation Orientation)

- High Conversation-Low Conformity=Pluralistic: parents except children's views even if they do not agree -Low Conversation-Low Conformity= Laissez-faire: Parents and children have limited interaction, children inclined to be relatively independent of parents -High Conversation-High Conformity=Consensual: expect children to adhere to their beliefs and values, open to express themselves however -Low Conversation-High Conformity=Protective: conflict is avoided, expect kids to adhere to their beliefs

Development of Friendship

- Majority of friendships evolve through a series of stages -Rawlins (1981) developed a six stage model to explain how relationships develop

5) Respond constructively to criticism-to help us learn more about ourselves

-Seek more information -Consider the validity of the criticism -If it is valid, consider what you want to change -Reframe "critique" to "fostering growth"

Other Relationship Types (Mary Ann Fitzpatrick)

-Traditional -Independent -Seperate

Cultural diversity of family forms (3)

-View of families vary across cultures -Arranged marriage, polygamy, divorce, extended families -Same sex marriages

Nature of Friendship

-Voluntary

Communication Climate

-Warm or cold, safe or anxious, comfortable or awkward, accepting or rejecting, open or guarded -Shaped by verbal and nonverbal interaction between people

Support (5)

-We expect friends to support us and there are many ways to show support (with the common message "I care about you") -Letting them know they aren't alone -Being available ("being there for each other")

Investment (1)

-What we put into relationships that we could not retrieve if it were to end -Perceived equality of the investment affects satisfaction in romantic relationships

Five Expectations of Friends and Friendship (From a Westerner's Perspective)

-Willingness to invest -Emotional closeness -Acceptance -Trust -Support

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" (4)

-Willingness to overlook many minor irritations and frustrations -Trying to change the people you love seldom works -Take charge of your own happiness (ownership of our issues)

Support and Gender Differences

-Women and men tend to differ somewhat in how they support friends -Women generally provide more verbal/emotional support than men do -Men often provide support to friends through "covert intimacy" (indirect ways men support one another)

Three Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation

1) Recognizing that another person exists- Don't acknowledge a person's existence 2)Acknowledgement of what another feels, thinks or says- Tangential, irrelevant, impersonal or denying 3) Endorsement- accepting another's feelings or thoughts- Disagreement is not just disconfirmation. It is being told we are crazy, wrong, stupid or unimportant

Four Guidelines for Creating and Sustaining Healthy Climates

1)Actively use communication to build climates 2)Accept and confirm others (talking and doing) 3)Affirm and assert yourself (clearly and non judgmentally stating what you feel, need, or want in an open without disrespecting others) 4)Respect diversity in relationships (differences between people and within relationships themselves-dialectics)

Conflict Management Skills

1)Attend to the relationship level of meaning 2)Communicate supportively (win-win) 3)Listen mindfully 4)Take responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts and issues 5)Check perceptions 6)Look for points of agreement 7)Look for ways to preserve the other's face 8)Imagine how you will feel in the future

Five Principles of Conflict

1)Conflict is natural in relationships -When people matter to each other and affect each other, disagreements are unavoidable -How partners manage conflict does influence relational health

Four Guidelines for Communication in Romantic Relationships

1)Engage in dual perspective 2)Practice safe sex 3)Manage conflict constructively -Romantic bonds are particularly serious ones, are important to us and are fragile -Intimate partner violence -Different theories (control/power) 4) Adapt communication to maintain long distance relationships -Lack of daily sharing of small events -Unrealistic expectations for time together -Unequal effort invested by the two partners

Styles of Loving-Primary

1)Eros-passion, intensity, intimacy 2)Storge-relationship built from friendship 3)Ludus-game playing love

Stages

1)Establishing a family: young couples w/o children 2)Enlarging a family: families with children in elementary or high school 3)Developing a family: families with children in elementary or high school 4)Encouraging independence: families with adolescents who are developing their own interests,activities and social circles 5)Launching children: families who are launching children into the world 6)Postlaunching of children: couples after all children have left home and the couple is once again the primary unit 7)Retirement: couples when full-time work is no longer a part of life

Six Types of Defensive and Supportive Climates

1)Evaluation (judgement) vs. description ("I" language) 2)Certainty (absolute) vs. provisionalism (openness) 3)Strategy (manipulation) vs. spontaneity (authentic) 4)Control (overt) vs. problem orientation (solution) 5)Neutrality (detachment) vs. empathy (concern) 6)Superiority ("i am better") vs. equality (respect)

Four Responses to Conflict

1)Exit response (destructive/active, lose-lose, win-lose) 2)The neglect response (destructive/passive, lose-lose, win-lose) 3)Loyalty response (passive and constructive in short term, lose-lose) 4) Voice response (active and constructive, win-win)

Five Distinct Relationship Types

1)Vital marriage- enjoy speeding time together and individuals, if one partner let go the other would be okay and eventually move on 2)Total marriage-everything together 3)Passive-congenial marriage-united for pragmatic reasons, no emotional intimacy 4)Devitalized marriage- lost passion, became routine and mundane 5)Conflict-habituated marriage-argue, experience conflict on routine basis

Unproductive Patterns During Conflict

Early Stages (1st 3 minutes) -Communication that fails to confirm individuals -Cross-Complaining -Negative climate and mind reading The Middle Stages: -Kitchen-sinking - all concerns are brought up, may not even by relevant to the current issue -Frequent interruptions Later Stages: -Counterproposals -Excessive miscommunication

Constructive Patterns During Conflict

Early Stages: -Communications confirm each other by recognizing and acknowledging each other's concerns and feelings Middle Stages: -Stay focused on main issues (agenda building) -Bracketing -Dont interrupt except for clarification -Recognize and acknowledge each other's point of view Later Stages: -Contracting

Guidelines for Communication Between Friends

Engage in dual perspective -A friend acts -We perceive the action(s) selectively -We interpret and evaluate what happened -We assign meaning to it and make inferences from what we've labeled Communicate honestly Grow from differences Don't sweat the small stuff

Pressures of Friendship

Internal tensions: -Relational dialectics -Diverse communication styles -Sexual attraction External pressures: -Competing demands -Personal changes -Geographic distance

Communication/Satisfaction in Long-Term Commitments

Three Key Elements: 1)Words 2)Thoughts 3)Emotions