CH. 9: Managing Conflict Through Forgiveness

1. the account and the apology 2. acceptance of an account and an apology or its absence 3. forgiveness may or may not be communicated 4. transforming the relationship, if desired 5. actions confirm forgiveness and reconciliation

describe the steps one must take to forgive

relationship rules

exist when people are interdependent, and some of these rules cannot be violated without calling the relationship into questions so we call them core rules

conditional reconciliation

may occur when the transgressor communicates some level of regret for the offense and offers an apology

true

most of those reporting they had forgiven someone had no desire to continue the relationship

relational transgressions

occur when those rules we take for granted as sacred are broken by someone important to us

socialization process

part of the _____ has taught us that rules that govern each type of social relationship such as romantic pairings, friendships, and being roommates

social construction theory

sates that we make our social worlds by the way we talk about them, and we act within our social worlds based on the way we have made them through our talk

role of the victim

some people don't simply because they prefer the role of the victim

the other person has not admitted wrongdoing, apologized, or asked for forgiveness

the most frequent reason people don't forgive is that other has......

forgiveness and reconciliation

the need to study ______ and _______ is based on the assumption that conflicts are cyclical and repetitive

they never received an explanation and an apology from the other

the primary reason people do not forgive someone is because.....

actions confirm forgiveness and reconciliation

the role played by actions is found in research examine self-fulfilling prophecies; if you act toward the other as though he or she is not trustworthy, the other may begin to act in untrustworthy ways or if you act as if the relationship strained, then the other person may begin to act as if the relationship is strained

the account and the apology

the transgressor may explain his or her offensive behavior and offer an account and an apology

the account and the apology

this step in forgiveness is optional because someone may choose to forgive with or without an account

true

those who are able to see themselves as potential offenders are also more likely to forgive than those cannot imagine themselves as offenders; this is more pronounced for men than women

true

we tend to overestimate how baldy we have been hurt by others and underestimate how much we contributed to the relational transgression

truth bias

as we develop friendship with others we develop a ______ toward them

college students

find it more difficult to forgive than any other age group

helping orientation

verbal abuse and physical violence run contrary to ______

lie

a _____ generally classified as deliberately altering information to challenge a person's perception about an issue

because it is healthy

a person may forgive because..... is the most common understanding of forgiveness

forgiveness may or may not be communicated

at this point, the offended person decides whether to not explicitly communicate his or her forgiveness to the offender. If it is not communicated explicitly, the offended person behaves in ways that imply forgiveness has taken place. You neither ignore the scares or focus on them. Injuries are not forgotten, but they do not dictate the way you behave. We believe that forgiveness occurs when we no longer define our emotions, our desires, or our behaviors in terms of our injuries

forgiveness has both mental and physical benefits. Having good forgiveness strategies helped increase recovery from divorce, decreased feelings of guilt, and decreased feelings of depression and anxiety. People who have higher levels of forgiveness have a higher threshold for pain. Those who are able to forgive are also able to sleep better. People with higher trait forgiveness have lower blood pressure and better recovery from incidents that raise blood pressure

explain the advantages of forgiveness and reconciliation following relational transgressions

when a friend does not help you in your time of need, when a friend lies to you, cheating on your partner, interpersonal violence

explain which relational transgressions are hardest to forgive (4)

empathy

has a stronger relationship for forgiveness in men than in women, while women are more empathetic in general, it does not affect their levels of forgiveness

acceptance of an account and an apology or its absence

here the offended person may choose to not forgive or forgive the other if the transgressor has changed or is truly sorry for the transgression, the offended person makes a judgement call. In deciding to forgive the other person, the offended person must decide that it is a good idea to let go of any feelings of anger, resentment, and revenge

grudges

holding ______ constitutes as an egocentric position wherein we view those who have hurt us only in terms of what we need, what we wish, and what we long for

transforming the relationship, if desired

if desired by the parties, reconciliation may result in a transformed relationship between the parties in the transgression - we may feel less enthusiasm than before, we may feel better than before, or we may create an entirely different type of relationship

sexual infidelity

is the most difficult relational transgressional to deal with

possible reconciliation

is usually because the transgressor admits for the relational transgression, perhaps accompanying the admission with an explanation

1. hurt 2. hate 3. healing 4. coming together

key stages of forgiveness

forgiveness

lasting ______ results from the ability to see the perpetrator as human rather than as a stereotyped victimizer

1. forgiveness for one's own sake 2. forgiveness as altruism 3. forgiveness for the sake of the relationship 4. from recognition: you are like me 5. from recognition: I am like you

levels of forgiveness

1. no reconciliation, even though forgiven 2. possible reconciliation, when offender admits culpability 3. conditional reconciliation, when offender communicates regret for the offense and offers an apology 4. processural reconciliation, offender attempts to remedy the harm done 5. restoration, when trust is rebuilt and relationship is recreated

levels of reconciliation

1. understand that forgiveness is a process 2. start by acknowledging how the other hurts you 3. allow yourself to experience anger 4. don't adhere to the victim stage 5. find people to support your forgiveness process 6. recognize that the other person may not treat you any differently than in the past. Focus, then, on your responsibility in the situation and your responses to it 7. try to see the other person as someone like yourself - having flaws, human, and making mistakes. This helps you escape from the villain or victim mentality 8. try to see yourself as a person like the other - capable of hurting people, capable of doing something wrong. This helps you escape from a position of superiority with respect to the other 9. think about what you have learned from the situation, and how you can grown as a result of it. Events usually have a positive and negative side to them. So you may often switch from a negative view to a positive view of the same event

what are the 9 steps in learning to forgive?