ch. 9 quiz

Contracting

is building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals. Contrast to counterproposal

grace

is granting forgiveness or putting aside your own needs when there is no standard that says we should or must do so.

Conflict management skills

1.Attend to the relationship level of meaning 2.Communicate supportively 3.Listen mindfully 4.Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and issues 5.Check perceptions 6.Look for points of agreement 7.Look for ways to preserve the others face 8.Imagine how you will feel in the future

Guidelines for effective communication during conflict

1.Focus on the overall communication systems 2.Time conflict purposefully 3.Aim for the win-win conflict 4.Honor yourself, your partner and the relationship 5.Show grace when appropriate

The neglect response

Denies or minimizes the problem. People engaging in this normally say things like "We don't really disagree" or "You're making this a bigger deal than it should be" It is passive because it avoids discussion. It can be affect if an issue cannot be resolved and will only hurt the relationship by talking about it The person thinks that escalating the disagreement will harm everyone or they think they will lose if they try to resolve the conflict so the Lose-Lose and the Win-Lose orientation prompt their decisions.

Unproductive conflict communication: the later stages

Each person's proposals tend to be counter-proposals. Each person is more worried about solutions to their problems than what the other person is saying or proposing. Metacommunication occurs a lot her "I don't think we are talking about the real issue here"

The exit response

Involves physically walking our or psychologically withdrawing (Refusing to talk about the problem). Because this doesn't address the problem it tends to be destructive Associated with the Lose-Lose and Win-lose. They think nobody can benefit from arguing or there will be one winner so there is no point.

The loyalty response

Involves staying committed to relationships despite differences. It may be effective if tolerating differences isn't too costly but in some instances deferring your own needs and goals may be too high of a price for harmony. Comes from Lose-Lose orientation and believes that engaging in overt disagreements only hurts everyone so they choose to remain loyal to the relationship and not try to work through differences

Productive conflict communication: the later stages

Here talking about the issue at hand shifts to resolving the issue. Contracting is building a solution through negotiation and the acceptance of parts of proposals. Contrast to counterproposal

productive conflict communication: the middle stages

Here you have to stay focused on the conflict and resolving it. When you keep the conversation on target you are less likely to bring in the kitchen sink Bracketing is a useful technique that notices when an issue arises in the course of a conflict that should be discussed at a later time. Here you have to keep showing respect for each other and let each other speak

constructive conflict communication: the early stages

It is critical to start out productive because the sets the tone for later stages to come. You must recognize and confirm each others thoughts and feelings. You respond to what the other person is saying before you jump into your thoughts

Unproductive conflict communication: The early stages

The first 3 minutes of an argument may be the most important because they tend to set the stage for how conflict will be managed. The foundation of unproductive conflict is established by communication that fails to confirm individuals. If someone says "I want us to spend more time together" and you respond with "that's unreasonable" you are disconfirming their feelings and request. In the early stages of conflict communication people tend to listen poorly, use selective listening and send messages nonverbally of not caring.

Bracketing

a useful technique that notices when an issue arises in the course of a conflict that should be discussed at a later time.

Passive aggression

acting aggressively which denying feeling or acting aggressive

games

highly patterned interactions in which the real conflicts are hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing.

Overt conflict

open and explicit It exist when people deal with their differences in a direct and straightforward manner

The voice response

Address conflict directly and attempts to resolve it (Constructive). People who do this respond with voice identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them. Implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. Generally the most constructive way to deal with conflict in intimate relationships. Comes from the win-win orientation. Shows that you believe the relationship is strong enough to work through conflict. Also takes responsibility for things that are your fault and apologizes for them. You also have to verbally and genuinely accept your partners apology.

Lose-Lose

Assumes that conflict results in losses for everyone and that it is unhealthy and destructive for relationships. People who adopt this orientation avoid conflict at all cost because they think it will hurt the other person and do more harm than good. This can hurt relationships because sometimes disagreements need to be talked about and feelings need to be discussed.

Win-Lose

Assumes that one person wins at the expense of the other. People here see conflict as a battle with one winner If you are dealing with other people this can be harmful because the "loser" here resents the other person. However if you are buying a car you want to get the best deal and "win" and do not care about what the car dealer gets

Win-Win

Assumes that there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains something. Both people have to be committed to finding a mutually accepted solution. You have to be committed to your own and others satisfaction

Unproductive conflict communication: the middle stages

Once a negative climate has been set it continues with unconstructive communication. People often engage in kitchen-sinking which means everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument. This happens a lot when people have repressed their feelings or emotions for a long time and then they all come out This stage tends to have a lot of interruptions that intend to derail the partners issues, feelings and thoughts

Perceived incompatible goals

We experience conflict when we perceive that what we want is incompatible with what is wanted by a person with whom we are interdependent

interdependence

when each person wants to change the others mind and that cannot happen without the others cooperation.

Covert conflict

when people express their feelings about a disagreement indirectly

kitchen-sinking

which means everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument.