Chapter 7: Love and romantic relationships

Utilitarian love definition

- The practical, rational dedication of one person to another based on shared understanding and emotional commitment

Mate Selection: Percentage Receiving Replies to Online Dating Messages

1.White men were more likely than other men to receive a reply from a woman. 2.Black women were the least likely to receive a reply. •This seems to reinforce data from other researchers asserting that racial/ethnic boundaries remain an issue both off- and online.

Social scripts definition

A commonly understood pattern of interaction that serves as a model of behavior in familiar situations

Love definition

A deep affection and concern for another, with whom one feels a strong emotional bond •An initial, general working definition •But there are other types and experiences of love.

Romantic relationship

Mutually acknowledged, ongoing interactions featuring heightened affection and intensity - The coexistence of romantic love and modern love creates uncertainties in the social scripts as individuals negotiate between the two cultures.

Romantic love definition

The passionate devotion and attraction one person feels for another

Homophily (Definition)

The principle by which similar people have more of a given kind of contact than dissimilar people

Mate selection definition

The process by which people choose each other for sexual or romantic relationships - •Understanding the process of mate selection is necessary for explaining at least three ways the family can influence society (discussed in the next three slides). 1.Inequality 2.Inclusion versus exclusion 3.Family dynamics

hooking up definition

a casual sexual or romantic encounter without explicit commitment or exclusivity

Sex before relationship

§Unique to this period of history is that so many long-term relationships start with sex. •If more relationships are starting with sex, how does that change them in the long run?

Relationship Rituals: Older Singles, Single Parents graph

•And among older adults (i.e., those older than 55 years), divorced people now dominate the population looking for new partners. •Among those in age range of 55 to 75 years, most single people now are divorced or separated, which is a major shift from half a century earlier, when most single people in that age range were widowed. •This illustrates the growing complexity of the dating environment for older adults.

Scripting Diversity

•As explained in Chapter 2, family structures have become more diverse over the past century. •The formation of couples, relationships, and families have become similarly diverse in form, structure, and development. •The development of individuality and the freedom of choice are now integral features of modern society and also shape the ways in which we think about love and form intimate relationships.

Relationship rituals

•Chapter 2 described the transitions from the courtship system of the nineteenth century (the traditional path to marriage) to dating in the twentieth century. •In recent years, however, the dating system has been in decline. •Although dating still occurs and the term is still used, dating rituals and scripts are not as clearly defined as in the past. Part of the confusion for modern individuals (in regard to the initiation and maintenance of relationships) is the diversity of options and social scripts

§The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation

•Developing a relationship has also become more diverse and individualized. •Dating is no longer the dominant mode of relationship formation. Diversity is more common than conformity when it comes to the origins and development of relationships

Evolution

•Evolution has been studied to try to understand attraction and its role in the mate selection process. •Cohen concludes that although evolutionary forces exist (operating in the background), cultural preferences and (modern) individual choice remain extremely influential. •Thus, biology and evolution are important, but sexual attraction is only one component of modern relationships . •There are other utilitarian aspects of contemporary relationships and these are more important in relationship formation and the processes of creating and maintaining families. •Differentiating between the process of natural (mate) selection and social behaviors around this process is complicated. •It is common, and sometimes popular, to assume that what is attractive has a biological cause or basis in evolution. •Yet, although studies of evolution have hypothesized that there may be certain human traits or particular features that were more desirable at one time, these are difficult to determine today and may be unimportant at this time for modern society. •However, many of the traits considered attractive in modern Western societies have little basis in biology or reproductive advantages. •The overall connection between what is considered attractive (beauty) and health is nebulous. There are considerable differences in what is considered attractive, even within Western societies, but especially across other cultures and historical periods

Mate selection and foot binding

•For the past 1,000 years, many wealthy Chinese families participated in the practice of foot binding. •Young girls' feet were bound as they grew, and the subsequent alteration of the foot was considered attractive and feminine. •Foot binding conformed to a particular standard of beauty that many of us today do not share. •It can serve as an interesting point of comparison, however, because it can help demystify one of our own beauty standards and cultural practices (i.e., high-heel wearing for women). •The comparison between foot binding and high heels underscores the fact that personal choices themselves can be culturally constructed (or at least heavily influenced by social forces) and that beauty standards (and gender socialization and differentiation) are learned at an early age.

Sex before relationships explained

•Maybe this is just part of the "sexual revolution" that we date to the 1960s, in which sex and sexual satisfaction became much more explicit criteria for relationship fulfillment and success. •If or when sex becomes less compelling to these couples, it may hasten the demise of the relationship. •On the other hand, maybe sex before relationships will help people make better decisions about whether to get into a serious relationship. •Having had experience with other partners, maybe today's young adults are in a good position to know more about what they want and to exercise their options to meet their own needs.

Gay and lesbian relationships

•Forming relationships and finding partners may be difficult for some gays and lesbians because of oppositional culture, cultural attitudes, or stigma (Chapter 6). •Young gays and lesbians, in particular, face many obstacles. •Gay and lesbian relationships reflect many of the same patterns as heterosexual relationships (Peplau and Fingerhut 2007). •But these relationships are complicated by additional social pressures and expectations. •A major obstacle for gay and lesbian relationships is that same-sex marriage is still illegal in many places and still generates opposition. •Marriage and the steps leading to marriage for gays and lesbians are not as clearly defined as they are for monogamous heterosexuals. •Same-sex couples do not have the same dating and relationship scripts to follow and often must modify heterosexual scripts according to individual circumstances. •Confusion about dating and relationship scripts for gays and lesbians is especially pronounced. •This creates stress, insecurity, and relational ambiguity for many (Green 2010). •The intersection of personal relationships and the institutional arenas of the state and the family can create additional social barriers.

Hooking up

•Hooking up is important to sociological discussions of love and romantic relationships. •These encounters are part of important stages of life and relationship commitment. •They form the basis for later experiences and decisions, and are an integral component of the modern dating scene. •Most young adults seem to know what hooking up is, but without a precise definition, it is hard to measure its prevalence. •Researchers found competing definitions, depending on where students had gone to high school. •Even with the variety of definitions being used, hooking up usually implies something casual as opposed to something permanent or prearranged. •It is also without explicit commitment or exclusivity. •Some definitions include all forms of sexual interaction, whereas others may specifically exclude intercourse (Bogle 2008). •A key difference between dating and hooking up, of course, is the expectation of sexual contact at the first encounter. •After some kind of sexual interaction in private (e.g., kissing, fondling, oral sex, sexual intercourse), the next day, hookup participants work to establish that the interaction was "meaningless." •"A drunken sexual encounter with ambiguous content that is supposed to mean nothing and happen just once" (Wade 2017). •Many college students have reported hooking up (using a variety of definitions).

Mate selection

•How and why individuals choose mates or partners are central to studies of the family and society and raise broader questions of social change. •Sociologist call this process mate selection.

Endogamy

•In Chapter 3, endogamy is defined as "marriage and reproduction within a distinct group." •Together, race and ethnicity compose one of the major groups by which endogamy is defined, although other group similarities and differences have been used as well. •Historically, exogamy (i.e., marriage and reproduction outside of the group) has been an important means by which people have built social alliances or political connections. •Utilitarian love helps reinforce endogamy. •Creating families between certain groups or people can reduce social complications and increase access to systems of social support and social capital. •Romantic love can sometimes challenge expectations of endogamy. •In modern society, there is often a tension between utilitarian love and romantic love because of expectations of endogamy and exogamy.

Endogamy online

•In terms of online dating and mate selection, there has been research speculation as to whether the Internet might promote a greater mixing of racial or ethnic groups. •Initial conclusions are not promising. •Early research indicates that racial and ethnic boundaries remain an issue and, in fact, there are persistent racial and ethnic divisions. •For example, one in four White men restricted their online searches to include only White women and commonly restricted Black women in particular (Feliciano, Robnett, and Komaie 2009).

older singles and single parents

•In the past, family studies concentrated on courtship and dating practices among young individuals who had never been married. •However, some singles are older (more individuals are waiting until they are older to first get married). •Many individuals are postponing first marriage because of education, careers, and other long-term goals. •Some of these unmarried singles have children and are interested in creating blended families (Chapter 9). •They may have less interest in casual dating or hooking up. •Divorced individuals are also a new addition to the dating scene. •The addition of older singles, single parents, and divorced individuals creates a new, modern, social dynamic in dating rituals and relationships.

§The increasing acceptance of living together as a common stage in relationships

•Living together (cohabitation) is now a more widely accepted (and occurring) practice. •Cohabitation can be a stage in the relationship, and it can also be the arrangement of the relationship for its duration. •These new scripts, which involve the possibility of cohabitation as an option, can cause uncertainty and social anxiety.

Making it work

•Many people regard negotiation and communication as antithetical to romantic love. •The ideal is that romantic love should be spontaneous and passionate, not calm and rational. •How is it possible to reconcile the ideal of romantic love with the realities of modern intimate relationships? •Swidler (2001) also outlines two cultures of love that coexist in the United States. 1.The first is the culture of romantic love. 2.The second is the culture of utilitarian love.

Inequality in male selection

•Mate selection and the formation of the family have an influence on inequality. •There is a strong tendency for stratification and inequality to remain fixed when the rich marry each other and the poor marry each other. •This type of endogamy reinforces and reproduces the structure of inequality. •With exogamy, there is a possibility for greater class mobility or for class inequality to decrease over time. •Note, however, that this assumes that individuals reproduce social class within their families (discussed in Chapter 4).

Mate selection inclusion vs exclusion

•Mate selection can influence patterns of social inclusion and exclusion. •Similarly, patterns of social inclusion and exclusion are reflected in mate selection (and levels of social distance, and so forth). •Research findings suggest patterns of attraction and family formation remain highly stratified in U.S. society.

Mate selection family dynamics

•Mate selection influences family dynamics, marriage stability and how families function overall. •It also affects how children are raised and the health and well-being of all family members.

Dating

•Most individuals today still date or do something similar to what used to be called dating. •Dating remains an important area of study for sociologists. •The dating system emerged in the twentieth century and replaced the courtship system of the nineteenth century. •One of the major differences between dating and courtship was that dating involved multiple, overlapping relationships without the expectation of long-term commitment. •Multiple potential (sometimes sexual) partners without parental supervision •Rapidly accepted by the middle class as early as the first half of the twentieth century •Started to decline around 1965

Mate selection and high heels

•One gendered social practice in modern society is the use of high-heeled shoes (particularly for women). •Many Americans—male and female—believe that high heels make women look more attractive. •Some researchers argue that the attraction of women in high heels is related to the fact that high heels emphasize the waist-to-hip ratio (Smith and Helms 1999). •Thus, high heels help establish and reinforce a gendered cultural difference between men and women. •In terms of symbolic interactionist theory, high heels enable women to "do gender" (West and Zimmerman 1987). •But high heels also serve to incapacitate women (to some extent) and make them less powerful (physically and symbolically) and more submissive. •Some men (and women) find this submissiveness additionally attractive. •As a cultural and historical point of comparison, many scholars have noted the similarity of high heels and the Chinese practice of foot binding.

Romantic love

•Romantic love, in its modern form, is a myth. •That is, it is an ideal to which no one can ever aspire in reality. •Ann Swidler (2001) describes the process through which the modern individual elevates the idea of love to an impossible ideal. •She outlines four qualities that constitute the essence of this (unrealistic) ideal. 1.First, love is unambiguous and clear (sometimes backed up by the belief of "love at first sight"). 2.Second, love is unique (sometimes backed up by the belief that an individual is capable of finding "one true love"). 3.Third, individuals must prove or demonstrate love by overcoming obstacles in a type of love "quest" (e.g., the romantic stories of Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde). 4.Fourth, love is permanent and eternal. •Even though this conception of love is an unattainable ideal, many individuals still use it as a standard through which they judge their own relationships. •The modern structure of marriage reinforces this ideal by institutionalizing some of these qualities (explored more in Chapter 8). •Romantic love has its own scripts. •These scripts, while persisting, are becoming increasingly ambiguous and diverse.

Homophily

•Sociologist use the term homophily to help understand the processes of similarity and difference. •Homophily describes the principle by which similar people have more of a given kind of contact than dissimilar people. •Patterns of romantic interests and attachments continue to reveal barriers along racial and ethnic lines.

Scripting Diversity:Social script

•Sociologists can use the concept of the script as a type of metaphor to explain how individuals interact with one another. •Through the use of scripts, individuals learn different roles through which they come to know how to interact with others (Simon and Gagnon 1984). •This is related to symbolic interaction theory (Chapter 1). •Symbolic interactionists focus on how people see themselves through the eyes of others. •In this respect, social scripts can be reassuring and allow individuals to act on social assumptions. •Not every social interaction needs to be completely made up. •Individuals can follow a general script, which allows them to orient their behavior and understand the behavior of others. •In fact, the absence of social scripts can cause disorientation, discomfort, and (often) overall confusion. •There are still social scripts, but they are many and varied, and it is difficult for an individual to know which one to follow exactly. •There are four specific developments identified by Cohen that underscore this overall change (to be discussed in the next four slides). 1.The demise of the dating system as the dominant mode of relationship formation 2.The increasing acceptance of living together as a common stage in relationships (also covered in Chapter 8) 3.The incorporation of divorced and older singles (including those with children) into the mix of those looking for a new relationship 4.The continual adaptation of communication technology to relationship dynamics, increasing the immediacy of interaction.

Love

•Some scientists believe that the capacity and the need for love are part of an evolution, developed as a survival mechanism. •In some regards, caring for others has always been essential for survival and has been an important component of family life for a long time (Chapter 2). •But what about love as a social phenomenon?

§The continual adaptation of communication technology to relationship dynamics, increasing the immediacy of the interaction

•The Internet has changed the social world for many people. •It is now possible to meet and communicate with people online, based on very select categories. •This has had an impact on dating and relationships.

§The incorporation of divorced and older singles into the mix of those looking for new relationships

•The inclusion of divorced and older singles (including those with children) looking for a new relationships creates even more variation and diversity in terms of social scripts, assumptions, and expectations.

Mate selection and gender

•The mate selection process and the application of beauty standards is uneven when it comes to gender. •The research on the evolution of sexual attractiveness has focused more on women than men. •Desire and attraction are social constructions and, more important, gendered social construction (race is discussed in the next section). •There is an underlying cultural assumption that men are the ones who do the mate choosing; women are the (passive) objects to be chosen. •Who gets to choose is an important question when it comes to understanding positions of power in relation to gender stratification and inequality. •Furthermore, exaggerating the difference between men and woman is an important part of the gender construction process, the mate selection process, and the construction of attractiveness and attraction. •The enhanced differences between men and women are often what is viewed as attractive.

Mate selection race and ethnicity

•The mate selection process is similarly unequal when it comes to race and ethnicity.

Mate selection and standards of beauty

•The relationship between standards of beauty (often considered a social construction) and health (often attributed to biology) has been studied extensively. •Some scientists argue there is a correlation between what we find attractive in a mate and evolutionary traits that increase our chance of survival as a species. •One example of this is female waist-to-hip ratio. •It has been hypothesized that a low waist-to-hip ratio (i.e., when the waist is smaller than the hips) is advantageous for health and reproduction. •Men are socially attracted to this in women because of its basis in evolution. •Cultural icons and symbols (such as Barbie dolls, Playboy centerfolds, and beauty pageants) seem to reinforce the evolutionary basis of this beauty standard. •But critics note that other examples of female attractiveness, such as excessive thinness, contradict this argument. •These examples do underscore the fact that there is an unequal amount of research and interest targeted toward women and the attractiveness of women's bodies and body parts.

Connecting online

•The search for romantic partners and relationships has been further complicated with the developments in social media. •There are now many Internet dating sites. •The first major national dating database was Match.com, established in 1995. •In addition to specific dating sites, there are many other ways in which individuals may socialize online (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, other social networking sites). •The development of modern online relationships and encounters underscores the modern tension between romantic ideals (of romantic love) and utilitarian purposes (utilitarian love). •As the Internet has expanded, fewer individuals are finding partners through family connections and other traditional avenues (e.g., church, school). •The Internet has been an especially important connection for gays, lesbians, other nonheterosexual relationships, and nonmonogamous arrangements. •There are advantages and disadvantages to creating online relationships. •Finding social connections can be efficient and potentially rewarding. •But there is also the possibility for lying, misrepresentation (so-called catfishing), and predation . •Self-promotion and image management have occurred (offline) in the past, but the inclusion of social media adds a new dimension to these processes. •The Internet and mobile communications in general have accelerated interactions that once unfolded much more slowly (Ansari and Klinenberg 2016:5) •Also raises the expectations and uncertainties associated with not responding immediately

Love and romantic relationships

•The subjects of love and romantic relationships underscore the fact that we are all individuals, but more importantly (at least for sociology), we are social individuals. •That is, we are always living within a social world that inextricably shapes what goes on around us and within us. •And often this occurs in ways we do not recognize. •Sociologists are concerned with the dynamics and interactions between the self and society. •C. Wright Mills describes this as the interaction between biography and history (Mills 1959). •The subject of love (as both a personal and a social experience and the ways in which those intersect) is a good one to exemplify this interaction.

Dating among students

•There is a lot of sociological interest in college students and student dating patterns. •This is partly because of the growth of higher education and the tendency for people to marry later than in the past. •It is also easier to study college students. •There is a trend for college students to socialize in mixed-gender groups. •This allows individuals to meet and build relationships or friendships with many other people at the same time (as opposed to dating or courting, which primarily involves couples). •Thus, meeting potential partners is more efficient (i.e., more likely to produce more dates with more partners). •There is the popular notion that dating is over, but most students (more than 90 percent) reported going on at least one date (McClintock 2010). •Furthermore, dating is not as egalitarian as might be expected. - Most college students still retain gendered expectations when it comes to dating rituals and scripts

Hooking up graph

•This figure shows the number of hookups reported by college students (Armstrong, England, and Fogarty 2010). •In this survey, students used their own definitions. •From answers to follow-up questions, it was found that the distinction between having a relationship and hooking up was ambiguous and varied widely among students. •Regardless, the idea of hooking up seems to reflect the recognition that all these encounters or relationships are neither exclusive nor permanent or even long-lasting. •However, even though hooking up may be casual and impermanent, researchers have found that it is not random. •Additional research is required to explore the similarities and differences between hookup culture and courtship to determine whether hooking up represents a cultural shift.

Public and private dating

•Under the courtship system, the decision of a couple to marry was more of a public decision in that the views of family and society had more weight and influence. •In contrast, dating involved more individual choice and decision. •However, even though courting was a public matter, the act of courting usually took place in a private setting (e.g., inside the home). •To put it in sociological terms, courting took place in the family institutional arena. •Dating, a private matter between two individuals, usually took place in a public setting (e.g., a restaurant, a movie theater). •And more important, dating differed from the courtship system because it took place in the market arena. •Unlike courtship, dating involved spending money and consuming in public. •Dating served not only private interests but also commercial ones. •The influence of the market served to further erode the influence of the family. •And dating also enhanced the public nature of a couple's commitment.

Utilization love

•Utilitarian love is practical, rational, and logical. •This version or culture of love takes into account a careful consideration of the positive and negative aspects of a relationship. •In some respects, utilitarian love views relationship as work. •Love is seen as being cultivated and maintained through time and energy. •There are therapists and other professionals who aid individuals with their relationships. •Utilitarian love is viewed by many social theorists as a modern type of love and a reflection of modern society, individual choice, and individualism.