COMM 110 chapter 9
handling conflict
In situations in which others are interrupting your goals or actions, your most important decision is how to handle the conflict Your choice about what you'll say and do will shape everything that follows—whether the situation will go unresolved, escalate, or be resolved. Your communication choices also influence whether your relationship with the other person People generally handle conflict in one of five ways: -avoidance -accommodation -competition -reactivity -collaboration
unsolvable disputes
part of effectively managing conflict is accepting that some conflicts are impossible to resolve clues include the following: -you and the other person aren't willing to change your negative opinions of each other -your goals are irreconcilable and strongly held -at least one partner is uncooperative, chronically defensive, or violent
gender and handling conflict
Traditional gender socialization creates challenges for men and women as they seek to constructively resolve conflicts. Women are encouraged to avoid and suppress conflict and to sacrifice their own goals to accommodate others Men learn to adopt competitive or even violent approaches to interpersonal clashes, as such approaches suggest strength and manliness. At the same time, they're taught not to harm women. Thus, during a contentious exchange with a woman, men face a dilemma: Compete or avoid? Many men handle the dilemma by downplaying conflicts or simply leaving the scene instead of seeking constructive resolution reconsider how you approach conflict with men and women. When experiencing conflicts with women, encourage the open expression of goals to allow for a collaborative solution. Above all, avoid assuming that no conflict exists just because the other person hasn't voiced any concerns. with men, be aware of the male emphasis on competitive approaches. Stress collaboration, and as you communicate, steadfastly avoid forms of communication that may escalate the conflict, such as personal criticism, insults, or threats.
power and culture
Views of power differ substantially across cultures. people are granted power not only according to which power currencies they possess but also according to the degree to which those power currencies are valued in a given culture.
conflict in relationships
people in close relationships experience prolonged contact and frequent interaction, which set the stage for disagreements over goals and behaviors. in close relationships, conflicts typically arise from one of three issues: -irritating partner behaviors (e.g., a family member has an annoying personal habit, or your partner interrupts you while you're working) -disagreements regarding relationship rules (e.g., you and your partner disagree about texting with ex-partners, or family members disagree about inviting friends on family vacations) -personality clashes (e.g., you have a sunny disposition but your friend is a complainer, or you're organized and ambitious but your partner is carefree and lazy). Relationship partners often develop consistent patterns of communication for dealing with conflict that either promote or undermine their happiness. Such patterns are self-perpetuating. Your conflicts with loved ones are guaranteed to be intense and emotionally draining experiences. Conflicts also powerfully affect your future encounters and relationships.
dyadic power theory
people with only moderate power are most likely to use controlling communication. Because their power is limited, they can't always be sure they're going to get their way. Hence, they feel more of a need to wield power in noticeable ways examples: -mid-level managers -team captains -class-project group leaders people with high power feel little need to display it; they know that their words will be listened to and their wishes granted. examples: -vice presidents -coaches -faculty advisers
challenges to handling conflict
self-enhancing thoughts, destructive messages, serial arguments, physical violence, unsolvable disputes
short term conflict resolutions
separation, domination, compromise, integrative agreements, structural improvements
conflict is a process
Although people often describe conflict as a series of unrelated events, conflict is a process that unfolds over time Its course is determined by the communication choices we make: everything we say and do during a conflict influences everything our partner says and does, and vice versa. most conflicts proceed through several stages, each involving decisions and actions that affect the conflict's direction and consequences for the individuals involved the process of conflict involves people perceiving that a conflict exists, choosing an approach for how to handle the conflict, and then dealing with the conflict resolutions and outcomes that follow. conflict is not a one time only event, how you handle a conflict will have consequences for your future interactions and relationship
conflict involves clashes in goals or behaviors
At the heart of conflicts are clashes in goals or behaviors some conflicts revolve around incompatible goals, other disputes break out when one person's actions clash with another's.
conflict begins with perception
Conflict occurs when people perceive incompatible goals or actions Because conflict begins with perception, perceptual errors shape how our conflicts unfold. we blame others more than ourselves during conflicts, and perceive them as uncooperative and ourselves as helpful. These self-enhancing errors can lead us to manage conflict in ways that create unsatisfying outcomes.
physical violence
The most destructive conflict challenge is physical violence, a strategy to which people may resort if they cannot think of a better way to deal with conflict or if they believe no other options are available Both men and women use violence as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. researcher John Archer found no substantial difference between men and women in their propensity toward violence as a conflict strategy women are substantially more likely to be injured or killed, owing to their lesser physical size and strength the chilling effect: -individuals stop discussing relationship issues out of fear of their partners' negative reactions -the result is an overarching relationship climate of fear, suppression, anxiety, and unhappiness If you are in a violent relationship, seek help. Your best option might be to end the relationship. If you find that you are inclined to violence in relationships, try anger management techniques and follow suggestions for constructively handling conflict. most aggression in conflicts stems from people's perception that they have no other options
culture and handling conflict
The strongest cultural factor that influences your conflict approach is whether you belong to an individualistic or a collectivistic culture People raised in collectivistic cultures often view direct messages regarding conflict as personal attacks and are more likely to manage conflict through avoidance or accommodation. People from individualistic cultures feel comfortable agreeing to disagree and don't necessarily see such clashes as personal affronts and they are more likely to compete, react, or collaborate If you're an individualist embroiled in a dispute with someone from a collectivistic culture: -recognize that collectivists may prefer to have a third person mediate the conflict -use more indirect verbal messages. -Let go of the situation if the other person does not recognize that the conflict exists or does not want to deal with it If you're a collectivist in contention with someone from an individualistic culture: -Recognize that individualists often separate conflicts from people -Use an assertive style, and be direct. For example, use "I" messages and candidly state your opinions and feelings -Manage conflicts when they arise, even if you'd much rather avoid them
power and gender
Throughout history and across cultures,the defining distinction between the genders has been men's power over women. Men have built and sustained patriarchy by denying women access to power currencies. the gaps between women and men in terms of education and health have largely been closed. But they still dramatically lack both economic and political power. what men say and do is counted as important, and women's voices are muted this power difference manifests itself in men's tendency to expect women to listen attentively to everything they say, while men select the topics they wish to attend to when women are speaking men may feel satisfied that their voices are being heard in their relationships, women often feel as though their viewpoints are being ignored or minimized, both at home and in the workplace
radical pacifism
an extreme form of accommodation Those practicing radical pacifism believe in a moral obligation to behave in selfless and self-sacrificial ways that quickly end conflicts and assist others. During interpersonal conflict, this means discovering what someone else wants and needs, then aiding that person in attaining those goals, even if it means sacrificing your own. it is primarily rooted in the religion of cultures.
expertise currency
comprises special skills or knowledge The more highly specialized and unique the skill or knowledge you have, the more expertise power you possess.
managing conflict and power
conflicts and struggles over power don't need to be destructive they can provide the opportunity to engineer positive change in the way you communicate with others and manage your relationships the key distinguishing feature between conflict and power struggles that destroy and those that create opportunities for improvement is how you interpersonally communicate you can communicate effectively by using collaborative approaches, critiquing your perceptions and attributions, knowing when to take a conflict offline, or being sensitive to gender or cultural differences
kitchen-sinking
from the expression, "throwing everything at them but the kitchen sink," involves combatants hurling insults and accusations at each other that have little to do with the original disagreement
reactivity
handling conflict is by not pursuing any conflict-related goals at all; instead, communicating in an emotionally explosive and negative fashion. characterized by accusations of mistrust, yelling, crying, and becoming verbally or physically abusive decidedly nonstrategic similar to competition, reactivity is strongly related to a lack of respect People prone to reactivity have little interest in others as individuals and do not recognize others' desires as relevant
structural improvements
in cases of especially intense conflict, the result may be people agreeing to change the basic rules or understandings that govern their relationship to prevent further conflict In cases of structural improvement, the conflict itself becomes a vehicle for reshaping the relationship in positive ways—rebalancing power or redefining expectations about who plays what roles in the relationship. only likely to occur when the people involved control their negative emotions and handle the conflict collaboratively.
domination
occurs when one person gets his or her way by influencing the other to engage in accommodation and abandon goals. Conflicts that end with domination are often called win-lose solutions. the strongest predictor of domination is the power balance in the relationship. In some cases, domination may be acceptable. domination is destructive when it becomes a chronic pattern and one individual always sacrifices his or her goals to keep the peace. Over time, the consistent abandonment of goals can spawn resentment and hostility. While the accommodating "losers" are silently suffering, the dominating "victors" may think everything is fine because they are used to achieving their goals.
accomodation
one person abandons his or her own goals and acquiesces to the desires of the other person you probably accommodate people who have more power than you, because if you don't, they might use their power to control or punish you people who are more powerful than you probably won't accommodate your goals during conflicts Accommodation reflects a high concern for others and a low concern for self; you want to please those you love. Hence, accommodation is likely to occur in healthy, satisfied close relationships, in which selflessness is characteristic
power
the ability to influence or control people and events Power determines how partners relate to each other, who controls relationship decisions, and whose goals will prevail during conflicts power is always present: -power may be balanced (symmetrical relationships) or imbalanced (complementary relationships) -we are typically not aware of power until people violate our expectations for power balance in the relationship power is used ethically or unethically: -happy relationships can be complementary,a s long as the person with more power uses their power to benefit both people and the relationship power is granted: -by individuals or groups who allow another person or group to exert influence over them. power influences conflicts: -people in conflict often wield whatever power they have to overcome the opposition and achieve their goals. -power struggles rarely lead to mutually beneficial solutions
technology and handling conflict
technology is not well suited for resolving conflicts. The inability to see nonverbal reactions to messages makes people less aware of the consequences of their communication choices people are more likely to prioritize their own goals, minimize a partner's goals, and use hostile personal attacks in pursuit of their goals online than face-to-face the first and most important step in managing conflict constructively is to take the encounter offline. Doing so can dramatically reduce the likelihood of attributional errors and substantially boost empathy If meeting face-to-face isn't an option at the time, you can try to stall the encounter. If you can't meet, then switch to a phone call. That way, you'll at least have vocal cues to gauge a partner's reaction and enhance your empathy. If you're in a situation in which you must deal with the conflict online: -Wait and reread. All conflict—whether it's online or off—begins with a triggering event: something said or done that elicits anger, challenges goals, or blocks desired actions. This helps you avoid communicating when your anger is at its peak. It also provides the opportunity for reassessment: often, in rereading a message later, you'll find that your initial interpretation was mistaken. -Assume the best and watch out for the worst. When you receive messages that provoke you, presume that the sender meant well but didn't express him- or herself competently. At the same time, realize that some people enjoy conflict. Your firing back a nasty message may be exactly what they want. -Seek outside counsel. Before responding to online conflict messages, discuss the situation offline (ideally, face-to-face) with someone who knows you well and whose opinion you trust and respect. -Weigh your options carefully. Choose cautiously between engaging or avoiding the conflict. Consider the consequences associated with each option, and which is most likely to net you the long-term personal and relationship outcomes you desire. -Communicate competently. When crafting your response, draw on all you know about competent interpersonal communication.
separation
the sudden withdrawal of one person from the encounter. characteristic of approaching conflict through avoidance. Separation ends the immediate encounter, but it does nothing to solve the underlying incompatibility of goals or the interference that triggered the dispute in the first place. However, separation isn't always negative. In some cases, short-term separation may help bring about long-term resolution.
integrative agreements
the two sides preserve and attain their goals by developing a creative solution to their problem. This creates a win-win solution in which both people, using a collaborative conflict approach, benefit from the outcome. To achieve integrative agreements, the parties must remain committed to their individual goals but be flexible in how they achieve them
self-enhancing thoughts
Arguably the biggest challenge we face in constructively managing conflict is our own minds. During conflicts, we think in radically self-enhancing ways. during disputes, individuals selectively remember information that supports themselves and contradicts their partners, view their own communication more positively than their partners', and blame partners for failure to resolve the conflict While conflicts are unfolding, people typically do not consider long-term outcomes. Instead, their thoughts are locked into simple, unqualified, and negative views the most important thing you can do to improve your conflict-management skills is to routinely practice critical self-reflection during disputes. you can work toward this goal by regularly going through this mental checklist: -Is my partner really being uncooperative, or am I making a faulty attribution? -Is my partner really solely to blame, or have I also done something to cause the conflict? -Is the conflict really due to ongoing differences between us, or is it actually due to temporary factors, such as stress or fatigue
conflict is dynamic
Because conflict typically unfolds over a series of exchanged messages, it is ever changing and unpredictable. the focus can often shift substantially as the conflict progresses When a conflict shifts topic, it can devolve into kitchen-sinking Since conflict often dynamically branches out into other troublesome topics, managing conflict is extremely challenging
personal currency
Power that comes from personal characteristics that others admire, such as intelligence, physical beauty, charm, communication skill, or humor. Even if you lack resource, expertise, and social network currency, you can still achieve a certain degree of influence and stature by being beautiful, funny, or smart.
destructive messages
When conflicts escalate and anger peaks, our minds are filled with negative thoughts of all the grievances and resentments we feel toward others These thoughts often leap out of our mouths, in the form of messages that permanently damage our relationships sudden death statements: -when people get so angry that they suddenly declare the end of the relationship, even though breaking up wasn't a possibility before the conflict. dirty secrets: -statements that are honest in content, have been kept hidden to protect a partner's feelings, and are designed to hurt -can include acts of infidelity, criticism of a partner's appearance, and even a lack of feelings Couples who exchange critical and contemptuous messages during the first seven years of marriage are more likely to divorce than couples who refrain from such negativity Thus, no matter your level of anger or the caustic thoughts that fill your head, it's essential to always communicate toward your partner in a civil, respectful fashion.
conflict
a normal part of all relationships Almost any issue can spark conflict—money, time, sex, religion, politics, love, chores, and so on—and almost anyone can get into a conflict (family members, friends, lovers, coworkers, or casual acquaintances) despite these variations, all conflicts share similar attributes. Conflict is the process that occurs when people perceive that they have incompatible goals or that someone is interfering in their ability to achieve their objectives Four features characterize most conflicts: -they begin with perception -they involve clashes in goals or behaviors -they unfold over time as a process -they are dynamic.
social network currency
a person who is linked with a network of friends, family, and acquaintances with substantial influence others may value his or her ability to introduce them to people who can land them jobs, talk them up to potential romantic partners, or get them invitations to exclusive parties.
power currency
a resource that other people value Possessing or controlling a valued resource gives you influence over individuals who value that resource. Likewise, if individuals have resources you view as valuable, you will grant power to them. five power currencies: -resource currency -expertise currency -social network currency -personal currency -intimacy currency
serial arguments
a series of unresolved disputes, all having to do with the same issue arguments typically stem from deep disagreements, such as differing relationship expectations or clashes in values and beliefs. By definition, serial arguments occur over time and consist of cycles in which things "heat up" and then lapse back into a temporary state of truce During these "quiet" periods, individuals are likely to think about the conflict, attempt to repair the relationship, and cope with the stress resulting from the most recent fight according to the serial argument process model, the course that serial arguments take is determined by: -the goals individuals possess -the approaches they adopt for dealing with the conflict -the consequent perception of whether or not the conflict is resolvable when individuals in close relationships enter into serial arguments with positive goals, such as "creating a mutual understanding" or "constructively conveying relationship concerns," they're more likely to use collaborative conflict strategies for dealing with the argument. As a result, the conflict is more likely to be perceived as eventually resolvable in the aftermath, and people are less likely to ruminate about it. In contrast, when individuals enter into serial arguments with goals such as "gaining power over the partner" or "personally wounding the partner in order to win," they're more likely to use competitive strategies, the conflict is more likely to be perceived as unresolvable, and they're more likely to stew about it afterwards. most likely to occur in romantic and family involvements, in which the frequency of interaction provides ample opportunity for repetitive disagreements They are also strongly predictive of relationship failure: couples who suffer serial arguments experience higher stress levels and are more likely to have their relationships end than those who don't some serial arguments take the form of a a demand-withdraw pattern (one partner in a relationship demands that his or her goals be met, and the other partner responds by withdrawing from the encounter) these patterns are typically triggered when a person is bothered by a repeated source of irritation, but doesn't confront the issue until his or her anger can no longer be suppressed. At that point, the person explodes in a demanding fashion If you find yourself in a close relationship in which a demand-withdraw pattern has emerged, discuss this situation with your partner. Using a collaborative approach, critically examine the forces that trigger the pattern, and work to generate solutions that will enable you to avoid the pattern in the future.
competition
an open and clear discussion of the goal clash that exists and the pursuit of one's own goals without regard for others' goals The choice to use competition is motivated in part by negative thoughts and beliefs, including a desire to control, a willingness to hurt others in order to gain, and a lack of respect for others you'll be less likely to opt for competition when you are in a conflict with someone whose needs you are interested in and whom you admire. Conversely, if people routinely approach conflict by making demands to the exclusion of your desires, they likely do not respect you competitive approaches can trigger defensive communication (someone refusing to consider your goals or dismissing them as unimportant, acting superior to you, or attempting to squelch your disagreement by wielding power over you) the primary risk of competition is escalation (a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and increasingly negative and aggressive communication) If people in conflict both choose competition, and neither is willing to back down, escalation is guaranteed.
compromise
both parties change their goals to make them compatible. often, both people abandon part of their original desires, and neither feels completely happy about it. typically results from people using a collaborative approach and is most effective in situations in which both people treat each other with respect, have relatively equal power, and don't consider their clashing goals especially important In cases in which the two parties do consider their goals important, however, compromise can foster mutual resentment and regret
long term conflict outcomes
certain approaches for dealing with conflict—in particular, avoidant, reactive, and collaborative approaches—strongly predict relationship quality The most commonly used conflict approach is avoidance. But because avoidance doesn't address the goal clash or actions that sparked the conflict, tensions will likely continue. People who use avoidance have lower relationship satisfaction and endure longer and more frequent conflicts than people who don't avoid. Far more poisonous to relationship health, however, is reactivity. Individuals who handle conflict by (in effect) throwing tantrums end up substantially less happy in their relationships collaborative approaches generally generate positive long-term outcomes. people using collaboration tend to resolve their conflicts, report higher satisfaction in their relationships, and experience shorter and fewer disputes. always treat others with kindness and respect, and strive to deal with conflict by openly discussing it in a way that emphasizes mutual interests and saves your partner's face. Accommodation and competition are riskier because you can't count on either as a constructive way to manage conflict for the long term
avoidance
ignoring the conflict, pretending it isn't really happening, or communicating indirectly about the situation. One common form of avoidance is skirting (a person avoids a conflict by changing the topic or joking about it) another form of avoidance is sniping (communicating in a negative fashion and then abandoning the encounter by physically leaving the scene or refusing to interact further) Avoidance is the most frequently used approach to handling conflict, because it seems easier, less emotionally draining, and lower risk than direct confrontation. but, avoidance poses substantial risks: -cumulative annoyance (in which repressed irritation grows as the mental list of grievances we have against our partner builds, eventually leading to an explosion where you air previously avoided grievances) -pseudo conflict (perception that a conflict exists when in fact it doesn't) Despite the risks, avoidance can be a wise choice for managing conflict in situations in which emotions run high
resource currency
includes material things such as money, property, and food If you possess material things that someone else needs or wants, you have resource power over them. Parents have nearly total resource power over young children because they control all the money, food, shelter, clothing, and other items their children need and want. managers also have high levels of resource power over employees, as they control employees' continued employment and salaries
collaboration
treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge rather than something that must be avoided, accommodated, competed over, or reacted to The most constructive approach to managing conflict Often the result of using a collaborative approach is compromise (everyone involved modifies his or her individual goals to come up with a solution to the conflict) You're most likely to use collaboration when you respect the other person and are concerned about his or her desires as well as your own People who regularly use collaboration feel more trust, commitment, and overall satisfaction with their relationships than those who don't to use a collaborative approach, try: -attacking problems, not people (talk about the conflict as something separate from the people involved. time, avoid personal attacks while being courteous and respectful, regardless of how angry you may be. If someone attacks you and not the problem, don't get sucked into trading insults) -focus on common interests and long-term goals (Keep the emphasis on the desires you have in common, not the issue that's driving you apart, use "we" language to bolster this impression) -create options before arriving at decisions (Be willing to negotiate a solution rather than insisting on one. Start by asking questions that will elicit options, then propose ideas of your own. Be flexible. be willing to adapt your original desires, even if it means not getting everything you want. Then combine the best parts of the various suggestions to come up with an agreeable solution) -critically evaluate your solution (Ask for an assessment. The critical issue is livability. If the solution is not fair or livable, go back to creating options)
intimacy currency
when you share a close bond with someone that no one else shares shares. If you have a unique intimate bond with someone—a lover, friend, or family member—you possess intimacy power over him or her, and he or she may do you a favor because of this intimate bond