Dad jokes
What kind of balls don't bounce?
Eyeballs.
What did the femur say to the patella?
I knee-d you.
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
Why do baseball pitchers stay away from caves?
They don't like bats.
What do peanut butter and jelly do around the campfire?
They tell toast stories.
When does the road get angry?
When someone crosses it.
When do doctors get mad?
When they lose their patients (patience).
What did the one-dollar bill say to the ten-dollar bill?
You don't make any cents (sense).
Who keeps the ocean clean?
The mermaid.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?
A cat-has-trophy!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What do you call a computer that sings?
A dell.
What kind of tree has the best bark?
A dogwood.
What is a duck on the Fourth of July?
A fire-quacker.
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four chin teller.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meow-ntain.
What is the richest kind of air?
A millionaire.
What is a baby's favorite reptile?
A rattlesnake.
What do you call a liar on the phone?
A telephony.
What would we get if we threw all the books in the ocean?
A title wave!
What do you call an aardvark with three feet?
A yardvark!
Where do bees go potty?
At a BP Station.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Why wouldn't the team play with the third basketball?
Because it was an odd ball.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will Let It Go. (Frozen)
Why can't you play hide-and-seek with mountains?
Because they're always peaking.
Why did the trees take a nap?
For rest (forest).
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman?
Frostbite!
What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes
Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer?
He just couldn't see himself doing it.
How did the baseball player lose his house?
He made his home run.
Why wouldn't the lion eat the clown?
He tasted funny.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted some cold hard cash.
Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away with the loot?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant.
Why did Sally's computer keep sneezing?
It had a virus.
Why did the credit card go to jail?
It was guilty as charged.
What did the hungry clock do?
It went back four seconds.
What do you call a cat that you cross with a Dark Horse?
Kitty Purry
What kinds of hats do you war on your legs?
Knee caps.
Why did the skeleton drink eight glasses of milk every day?
Milk is good for the bones.
What do you say to Simba when he's walking too slow?
Mufasa.
How does a skeleton call his friends?
On the tele-bone.
What language does a billboard speak?
Sign language.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
Why did Johnny jump up and down before he drank his juice?
The carton said to "shake well before drinking".
