Final Interpersonal communication
Reasons we may not express emotions
*cultural/social expectations *Self-protection *Protecting others *Social/professional roles
Emotional intelligence consists of what qualities
-being aware of your feelings -dealing with emotions without being being overcome by them -not letting setbacks derail you -channeling feelings to assist achieving your goals -being able to understand how others feel -listening to your feelings and those of others to learn from them -recognizing social norms for expression of emotions
Expectations of friendships
-companionship -consideration -communication -affection
Effective communication of emotions
-define what you feel -Decide whether you want to communicate your feelings Yes( to whom?, when?, where?) No(engage in emotional work to manage your feelings) -manage how you express feelings: owning feelings, monitoring your self talk, establishing a supportive climate, relay on specific language
The interactive view of emotions
-framing rules-feeling rules -felt emotion- emotional work-felt emotion-emotional expression
Levels of Confirmation and Disconfirmation
1. Recognition 2. Acknowledgement 3. Endorsement
Four Houseman
1. contempt (mocking, sarcasm) 2.Criticism (attacking the other person) 3.Defensivness (deflect blame) 4. stonewalling(shut down, exit response)
According to John Gottman the "magic ratio" for pleasant and unpleasant interactions is:
5:1
Comfort
A final quality of healthy relationships is understanding and being comfortable with relational dialectics.
Which of the following is NOT true about interpersonal communication?
A man in an intimate relationship is more likely to initiate a hand hold
type of love that is powerful and passionate
Eros
The _______ response to conflict involves physically leaving a conflict or psychologically withdrawing.
Exit
People with low status touch others and invade others' spaces more than people with higher status do.
False
friends of the heart
Friends who remain close regardless of distance and life changes.
The belief that family was a microcosm of society.
Godly family
Which statement is true of grace?
Grace involves forgiving someone for something they did.
_______ is a physiological activity that occurs when sound waves hit our eardrums and ________ is an active, complex process that consists of being mindful, physically receiving messages, selecting and organizing messages, responding, and remembering.
Hearing: Listening
speaking in generalities
I feel bad." "I'm happy." "I'm sad." Statements such as these do express emotional states, but they do so ineffectively because they are so general and abstract that they don't clearly communicate what the speaker feels
Before we can communicate emotions effectively, what must we do first?
Identify what you feel
All of the following are true about self-disclosure EXCEPT:
In established relationships, disclosures are more frequent than in just forming relationships
Mind reading is related to which of the following?
Internal listening obstacle
_____ states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships.
Social exchange theory
The interactive view of emotions proposes that:
Social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they do or don't express their feelings
Even at a young age girls understand that they are supposed to be nice to everyone, so they fear that being overtly mean to others would lead to disapproval or punishment. As a result this trapped aggression girls can turn to:
Spreading hurtful rumors and social exclusion
Of her marriage Myra says, "It wasn't like we ever really fell in love. It was more like we grew together kind of gradually. I think of my husband as my best friend." Myra seems to have which style of loving?
Storge
The Organismic view of emotions
The theory that external phenomena cause physiological changes that lead us to experience emotions. Also called the James-Lange view of emotions. Stimulus - physiological response- emotion
A hindrance to effective listening is not recognizing or adjusting to the need for different listening styles. Different skills are needed for different listening purposes.
True
According to your book, "engaging in conflict indicates that people care enough about each other to want to resolve differences."
True
According to your book, a main difference between stabilized friendships and new acquintances is that stavilized friends assume they'll continue to see each other even if they don't have specific dates reserved.
True
own your feelings
Use I language instead of you language
Rational Emotive approach to feelings
Using rational thinking to challenge and change debilitating emotions that undermine self-concept and self-esteem.
separation
When we separate dialectics, we assign one dialectical need to certain spheres of interaction and the opposing dialectical need to other aspects of interaction. -couples are autonomous professionally, relying little on each other for advice, although they are very connected about family matters.
The following statements are true about nonverbal communication EXCEPT:
Women generally assume greater amounts of space than men and use greater volume and more forceful gestures to assert themselves.
cross-complaining conflict
a conflict pattern in which partners trade unrelated criticisms, leaving the initial issue unresolved
Relational Dialectics
autonomy/connection novelty/predictability openness/closedness
The ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively is known as:
emotional intelligence
low context communication
emphasized directions
The strongest level of confirmation is ______. It involves accepting another's feelings or thoughts
endorsement
The assumption that our culture and its norms are the only right ones is called:
ethnocentrism
conflict is natural in relationships
everyone fights
interpersonal conflict
exists when people in "I"-you of "I-thou" relationship have different views, interests, or goals and feel a need to resolve those differences
affection
expressing sentiments
win-win conflict
finding a compromise
The love language of gifts means
giving them small presents
The love language quality time means
giving your partner undivided attention
Most friendships end
gradually
Consideration
helpfullness
The love language physical touch means
holding hands, hugging, and kissing
The feelings of closeness, connection, tenderness are associated with this dimension. ___ is abiding affection and warm feelings for another person.
intimacy
Three dimensions of committed romantic relationships are
intimacy, commitment, and passion
four factors of building relationships
investment commitment trust comfort
unproductive conflict communication where you start listing everything the person has done in the last three years that has bothered you
kitchen sinking
Concerning the typical life cycle of a families with children, the fifth stage is usually
launching children
The clearest indication that a friendship is in the waning stage is:
less quality and quantity of communication.
Men who don't have jobs in the paid labor force and whose female partners work outside the home engage in _____ child care and home maintenance than men who have jobs in the paid labor force. Unemployed women spend _______ as much time on child care and housework as employed women.
less: twice
high context communication
message is conveyed by surrounding context
the child most likely to be the favorite
mothers favor first born sons, dads favor last born daughter
Neutralization
negotiate a balance between two dialectical needs. Each need is met to an extent, but neither is fully satisfied
lose-lose conflict
no one achieves his or her true desires, and the underlying reasons for conflict remain unaffected
win-lose conflict
one party achieves its desires, and the other party does not
In terms of love styles, all of the following statements are true EXCEPT:
one's love style is permanent throughout life
Relational Dialectics
opposing forces, or tensions, that are continuous and normal in personal relationships. -autonomy/connection -novelty/predicability -open v.s closeness
The _____ view of emotions posits this model: stimulus>physiological response>emotion
organismic
part of triangular love theory
passion, intimacy, commitment
Nothing makes Juliet feel more loved than when Romeo holds her hand, hugs, and kisses her. Juliet's primary love language is:
physical touch
Relational culture is best defined as
private understandings, rules, and meanings that partners create.
what are internal functions of the family
providing care, socialization, intellectual development
Six-year-old Timmy did not get a toy from from the supermarket that he really wanted. He refuses to sit next to his father or even hold hands with him as they walk to the bus. He is using his _____ to indicate his anger.
proxemics
Jimmy got upset with Kris when she started working longer hours and canceling their evening walks together. Jimmy's primary love language is
quality time
Instrumental Rewards
receiving tangible resources
recogntion
recognizing another person exists -We do this with nonverbal behaviors (a smile or touch) and verbal communication ("Hello," "Good to meet you"). -you might not look up when a coworker enters your office. A parent who punishes a child by refusing to speak to her or him disconfirms the child.
After the first few married years, most couples experience a dip in marital satisfaction
regardless of whether or not they have children.
Sydney and Stacey Miller are a couple who are highly autonomous. They give each other plenty of room and they share less emotionally than the other marital types. The millers would be best categorized as which of Fitzpatrick's marital types?
separates
Communication climate is the
shaped by verbal and nonverbal interaction between people and is the overall feeling or emotional mood between people
companionship
sharing activities, company
Ineffective emotional expression
speaking in generalities, not owning feelings, counterfeit emotional language
not owning feelings
stating feelings in a way that disowns personal responsibility for the feeling is one of the most common obstacles to effective expression of emotions
Reframing
strategy in which partners redefine contradictory needs as not in opposition. -some partners said that disagreements added spice to their relationship. Others said disagreements were evidence that they maintained their individuality in the relationship.
meta-communication conflict
talking about the ways in which the issue was talked about
feeling rules
tell us what we have a right to feel or what we are expected to feel in particular situations
fails to confirm conflict
the couple will not recognize they have a problem
commitment
the desire to stay in a relationship no matter what happens -love is a feeling but commitment is a choice
emotion work
the effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations
Dunbar's number
the idea that a person can only have a limited number of close relationships, probably around 150
communication climate
the overall feeling or emotional mood between people
Emotional intimacy grows out of investments, such as time, talk, and shared experiences.
true
Words of affirmation love language means
using words to build up the other person
Useful conflict management skills involve all of the following EXCEPT:
using you language
opens v.s closeness
wanting open communication and wanting a degree of privacy, even with intimates
Novelty v.s predicability
wanting routine or familiarity and wanting something new and exciting in a relationship
self-protection example
we don't want to give others information that could affect how they perceive or act toward us. We fear that someone will like us less if we say that we feel angry with him or her
Selection
we give priority to one dialectical need and neglect the other -Some partners cycle between dialectical needs, favoring each one alternately
taking the thought, "we are going to study together" and making it aggressive, assertive, and deferential
-
what have your friends have done for you?
-Instrumental Rewards -Expressive Rewards
what makes someone a friend
-friendship involves seeing someone as a unique individual -friendship is voluntary -friendship lacks institutionalized structures and guidelines
Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors
-high context communication -low context communication
guidelines for communicating emotions effectively
-identify your emotions -choose whether and how to express emotions -own your feelings -monitor your self-talk -adopt a rational-emotive approach to feelings -respond sensitively when others communicate emotions
examples of phrases that flip it back on you and make you feel bad
-im not mad -fine, whatever -I thought you knew -why are you getting so upset -im not mad, you're mad -its okay, Ill just take care of it
Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly
-overt conflict - out in the open and explicit covert conflict - conflict that is expressed indirectly; generally more difficult to manage constructively than overt conflict (passive aggression)
Develop curiosity in difficult situations
-what is going on here? -what have I not yet understood?
Principles of Conflict
1. Conflict is natural in relationships 2. Conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly 3. Social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors 4. Conflict can be managed well or poorly 5. Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
Orientations to Conflict
1. lose-lose 2. win-lose 3. win-win
four steps of the rational-emotive approach to feelings
1.to monitor your emotional reactions to events and experiences that distress you 2.identify the events and situations to which you have unpleasant responses 3.Listen to what's happening in your head. What is your Me saying? 4.to respond sensitively when others express their feelings to you
According to communication teachers Adler and Proctor, we remember less than _______ of a message immediately after we hear it.
1/2
average number of close friends typical Americans have
2-4
surface acting
Controlling outward expression of inner feelings rather then controlling feelings
Language that seems to express emotions but does not actually describe what a person is feeling
Counterfeit emotional language
150
Dunbars number
Unproductive Conflict Communication
Early Stages -fails to confirm -cross-complaining Middle stages -Kitchen sinking Later stages -counter -proposals -meta communication -poor listening -defensive, negative climate
constructive conflict communication
Early stages -acknowledge others concerns & feelings -supportive climate Middle stages -agenda building -bracketing -perception checking Later stages -conflicting not countering
the perceptual view of emotions
The theory that subjective perceptions shape the meanings of external phenomena and the emotions we associate with them. Also called appraisal theory. -External event- perception of the event- interpreted emotion- response
The following are dimensions of relationship-level meanings that are often expressed through nonverbal communication EXCEPT:
Time
Wanting some privacy in a relationship doesn't mean that a relationship is in trouble. It means only that we have needs for both openness and closedness.
True
Cultural/social exceptions example
United States, men are expected to be more restrained than women in expressing most emotions, yet men are allowed to express anger, which is often disapproved of in women.
kitchen-sinking conflict
a response to a conflict in which combatants hurl insults and accusations at each other that have very little to do with the original disagreement.
emtional intelligence
ability to recognize feelings, to judge which feelings are appropriate in which situations, and to communicate those feelings effectively
endorsement
accepting anthers feelings -It's natural to be worried about the LSAT when you have so much riding on it. I know what going to law school means to you." -How can you worry about the LSAT when the country is on the verge of war? (disconfirming)
Passive-Agressive Communication
acting aggressively while denying feeling or acting aggressive
Suzy was happy and felt very loved when Jo checked her oil and tire pressure. Suzy's primary love language was
acts of service
love language that appreciates doing something for other person- like checking tire pressure
acts of service
a time when the number friendships drop
after marriage and children
self-protection: chilling effect
an action that discourages others from speaking their mind
counter-proposal conflict
an alternative proposal made in response to a previous proposal that is regarded as unacceptable or unsatisfactory.
Emotions
are our experience and interpretation of internal sensations as they are shaped by physiology, perceptions, language, and social experiences. -what we feel is not a single emotion but several mingled together
The personal objects we use to announce our identities and heritage and to personalize our environments are
artifacts
poor listening conflict
assuming, screaming
Tabitha wants some time alone because she feels a need to get in touch with herself as an individual. However, her partner wants them to spend as much time together as possible. The tension in this example illustrates the _____ relational dialectic
autonomy/connection
Trust
believing in another reliability (that he or she will do as promised) and another effort to look out for the welfare and relationship
More than 50% of people over the age of 24 are married.
false
With careful study we can precisely decode something as complex, ambiguous, and personal as nonverbal communication.
false
Psychological emotions
felt a knot in your stomach when you got back an exam with a low grade -found that when people smile (physiological action), their moods (emotions) are more positive, and when people frown, their moods are more negative.
Excessively insulting another person online, often using language that is derogatory or obscene, is called ___
flaming
Negotiating Dialectical Tensions
four ways partners handle the tension generated by opposing needs... -Neutralization -Selection -Separation -Reframing
friends we stay friends with despite time and distance
friends of the heart
Jo felt loved when Suzy brought her the new Justin Bieber CD and a pack of skittles to help her study for finals. Jo's primary love language is:
gifts
Games of Conflict
highly patterned interactions where the real conflict is hidden or denied and a counterfeit excuse is created... -Blemish -Now I got you you son of a bitch -yes, but... -mine is worse than yours...
4 factors for maintain a relationship
investment commitment trust comfort
deep acting
learning what they should and should not feel -requires changing how we perceive and label events and phenomenas
No curiosity v.s curiosity
no curiosity: "they are idiots, they don't care what happens to country" curiosity: "what is important to them and why? how does this make sense to them?"
Social and Professional Roles examples
our roles make it inappropriate. -An attorney or judge who cries when hearing a sad story from a witness might be perceived as unprofessional
emotional competence
the ability to control emotions and know when it is appropriate to express certain emotions
protecting others example
we fear we could hurt or upset others or cause them to lose face. Sometimes we make an ethical choice not to express emotions that would hurt another person and not achieve any positive outcome
example of emotion work
you might think it is wrong to feel gleeful when someone you dislike is hurt. This is known as "the pinch," which is a discrepancy between what we feel and what we think we should feel
All of the following statements about friendships around the world are true EXCEPT
Before marriage, 84% of Japanese say they have close friends of the opposite sex.
Identify your emotions
Before you can communicate emotions effectively, you must be able to identify what you feel
Conflict can be good for individuals and relationships
Bids: request for interactions 5:1 good bids for every bad bid
________ is taking a topic that has come up in conflict and moving it to a later time. That way it doesn't sidetrack communicators from engaging the center of their disagreement.
Bracketing
counterfeit emotional language
Communication that seems to express feelings but doesn't actually describe what a person is feeling.
Surface acting is:
Controlling outward expression of inner feelings
hich of the following definitions refers to literal listening?
Listening only for content and ignoring relationship meaning
Which one of the following statements is true about violence and abuse in romantic relationships?
Many people do not report violent or abuse incidents.
How is emotional intelligence linked to well-being
People who have high emotional intelligence quotients are more likely than people with lower EQs to create satisfying relationships, to be comfortable with themselves, to work effectively with others, and to have better overall health.
Expressive Rewards
Related to having emotional needs met (excitement, status or revenge)
The first stage of friendship
Role limited
________ is work that one partner-usually, but not always, a woman- does after coming home from a shift in the paid labor force outside the home.
Second shift
friends of the road
change as we move along the road of life
Example of surface acting
children learn that they should say "thank you" when they receive a gift and that they should not hit a friend who takes a toy
Example of Deep Acting
children may be taught that they should feel grateful when given a gift even if they don't like the gift and that they should not feel angry when a friend takes a toy
Suppressing complaints of anger because we fear a more powerful person could punish us
chilling effect
To build a lasting relationship with someone, we need something more durable than passion, we need
commitment
monitor your self talk
communication with ourselves
Bids
confirming or disconfirming interactions
type of communication climate where parental power ensures control, agreement, and appearance of harmony
conformity
4 horsemen of the apocalypse
contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling
Passive aggression and games such as, "Yes, But" are examples of:
covert conflict
when people express feelings indirectly
covert conflict
Framing rules
define the emotional meaning of situations
conflict can be managed well or poorly
depending on how we handle disagreements closeness or tear a relationship apart. (four houseman)
Autonomy vs. Connection
desire to be your own person vs. desire to be close to others
a romantic couple is experiencing a breakdown of patterns rules and rituals.
deterioration
For individuals socialized in feminine speech communities, closeness in interpersonal relationships is primarily achieved through:
dialogue
Many people feel they are operating at peak levels when they multitask. Students feel they can absorb a class lecture while texting and checking social media. The research in your book
disconfirms the students belief. The human brain isn't capable of engaging in two conceptual tasks simultaneously.
communication
discussing info about ones self
The love language acts of service means
doing something for your partner that they would like
steps you should go through when giving criticism to someone you are in a relationship with
1. Ask permission 2. Describe behavior and consequences 3. Give an affirming statement 4. When appropriate, suggest changed behavior
steps to addressing conflict
1. Ask permission before giving criticism 2. describe behavior and its consequences 3. prepare an affirming statement 4. suggest how the behavior can change
Paraphrasing shows the listener is:
Focused on understanding the speaker
cognitive labeling view of emotions
The theory that our feelings are shaped by the labels we apply to our physiological responses. -External event- Physiological response- Label for response- emotion
interactive view of emotions
The theory that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they express and withhold feelings.
the interactive view of emotions
The theory that social rules and understandings shape what people feel and how they express and withhold feelings.
an attempt to engage another person in a positive transaction
a connecting bid
acknowledgement
what another feels, think, or says -. If a friend says, "I'm really scared that I blew the LSAT exam," you could acknowledge that by paraphrasing: "So you're worried that you didn't do well on it, huh?" -"Have you ever wondered what kind of person would design exams like the LSAT for a living?" "Want to go catch a movie tonight?" (disconfirming)
Investment
what we put into a relationship -time, energy, thoughts, feelings and interactions -can not be recovered -happiest couples feel they have invested equally
whether and how to express emotions
when, where, and how to express your emotions
"Friends of the heart" are friends
who stay friends in spite of time and distance
orientation to conflict where we see it as a battle. one person wins and one person loses
win-lose
Steve enjoyed getting compliments and being told that he was doing a great job. Steve's primary love language was
words of affirmation
