Gentleman's guide to love and murder Monty lines

Oh, I say, that doesn't mater. Noblese oblige and all that

All the same, it's just as well you should know. And perhaps your sister may not care to entertain me.

[Myself] When I should receive a letter from that very same man.

"Dear Mr. Navarro..."

DONT YOU JUST LOVE ME IN PINK?

"Mr. Montague Navarro, sixty-one and a half, Ursula Grove, Clapham." "Mr. navarro: regarding your inquiry of my father, Lord Dysquith, dated seventeen March, nineteen hundred and seven." "After careful consideration..."

Anything else?

A document...! My birth certificate! "Montague Dysquith Navarro." Then it's true. poor mother. to think how she must have suffered

St. Ursula and her eleven thousand virgins

Ah, yes

The least I can offer for the gallantry in aid of a total stranger

Any man would have done the same

POOR ME

As it happens, I have news as well.

Yes, speak up! What is it?

Baron Philpot, madam. Of the foreign affairs. We met at the consumptives ball.

Do you know, I was quite astonished to discover how near you are to the succession.

Beg your pardon, sir?

Quite. I dare say, it would take a hundred bees to kill me now.

Could one really perish... from a surfeit of bee stings?

"We shall be forced to turn the matter over to our solicitors."

Definitively, Mr. Asquith Dysquith Jr.

You rather favor your father... physically I mean

Did you know my father, He died when I was but seven

To meet a friend. with a motorcar.

Does this friend have a name?

Monty what is your current salary?

Four hundred per annum, sir.

They're said to be influenced by the cathedral at Chartres...

Have you no... Christian charity, then?

{Scene 11A}

Here are the reports you requested, sir.

You've come from town, haven't you?

How did you guess?

poor Isabel. Look at himself, all grown up and handsome as the devil

How is it you knew mother, missus...?

You know, of course, I was grooming him to succeed me.

I did not.

It got to the point where they'd run away at the mere sound of my voice!

I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest, darkest Africa?

Oh my haven't seen jewel box in years. It was left to your mother by the old earl himself

I found it hidden among Mother's things. Can't make out how it opens.

There's nothing your mother wouldn't have done for you

I hardly know how I shall go on without her.

Monty, don't

I have not given you up, Sibella. Come away with me. Right now.

IF I COULD LOOK AT YOU AND KNOW

I have so often had similar sentiments.

Certainly not! What are you insinuating, you insignificant upstart?!

I meant no offense, I assure you.

Awfully good of you to step in like that.

It was nothing, really.

As if you could've been a dysquith your whole life and never known it

I realize how it sounds--

I look forward to you meeting my queen and her drones

I shall be delighted to meet your wife.

I do hope you'll come to the wedding. Eleventh of May

I shall enter it in my diary.

I find it endlessly fascinating. And deeply moving

I should be afraid of being stung.

I am engaged. To lionel Holland

I should not be surprised. It is not... unexpected. My best wishes to you both, naturally

One little sting won't hurt you.

I should think over time you might build a resistance.

[SCENE 9]

I think perhaps you ought to know who I am.

Why Mr. Navarro...

I warned your brother you... may not care to recieve me...

The man I will marry will have wealth and position

I will have wealth and position

I would never have believed good looks could bore one so soon

I'm afraid good-looking people who are stupid try one's nerves sooner than plain people who are stupid. At least plain people do feel they must make an effort.

.... Glorious days, glorious days.

I'm afraid there's a great deal of family history I haven't been privy to

Im as sane as..... only eight relations between you and the current earl of highhurst, lord Adalbert dysquith himself

I'm afraid you're mistaken. Mother took in laundry and washed the neighbors' floor until her hands bled. Does that sound like the life of an heiress to you?

Oh yes, you're looking... much better

If I may, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days.

So you agree with me friend?

Indeed I do.

That's Florence you know.

Is it? Just you and Lionel and all those marble statues. However did you tell them apart?

To begin with, you shall have 250 pounds per year

It is a generous offer, especially since you'd be paying for the trouble of teaching me.

What?

It's too fantastic. I've just learned that I am in the line of succession to become Earl of Highhurst!

Lionel is not only stupid, he is vulgar.

Let's not discuss your honeymoon, shall we?

Like this

Letters. Dozens of them. Adressed in my mother's hand to... members of the dysquith family! All of them returned. unopend

Oh?

Lord Asquith D'ysquith has asked me to join the family banking house. In the City. At quite a comfortable salary.

[AFTER YOU'RE A DYSQUITH]

Lord Asquith Dysquith, chief officer, Dysquith Banking house, bond street, London. Allow me to introduce myself. I am the son of your late cousin Isabel Dysquith Navarro. It happens I am in need of employment, and I am writing to ask if you could possibly find room for me in the office of your stockbroking firm. I am considered honest and relieble, not without intelligence or common sense, and I am not daunted at the prospect of hard work. I will look forward to your reply most eagerly. Sincerely yours, Montague Dysquith Navarro.

Beyond that I can make no promises

Lord D'ysquith, I hardly know what to say.

My name's dysquith btw

Mine is Navarro.

I knew you and your mother were....... Have you any prospects, love?

Mother always dreamt I should go to Oxford or Cambridge somehow.... It seems rather unlikely now.

Tell me love, what do you know of your mother's family?

Mother never spoke of them. Must have been curs and mountebanks. Horse thieves at the very least.

You are...?

Mr. Navarro. But please, do call me Monty

Much better that way for everyone concerned

Oh.

[Phoebe] Oh...!

Oh... Do pardon me... Miss Dysquith, I assume?

Have you ever seen the family portraits at Highhurst?

Never (lying)

In a word, yes. despicable, the lot of them

No wonder... the awful bouts of sadness she tried so to hide. And her... obsession that I should rise above my station

You must forgive me; Henry often scolds me for being indelicate.

Not at all. My father left no legacy; he died when I was quite young. But we managed to scrape by, Mother and I.

You're not a criminal, I suppose?

Not exactly, but I am a cousin of yours.

Perpendicular period, of course

Of course

Is it really true, about your being a dysquith?

Of course it is. I'll show you the papers, if you like

Miss shingle, marietta shingle

Of course! She spoke of you often, and how she looked forward to your letters!

OH MONTY LOOK,MY SHOE

Of course, and I should like to--

If there's a sorrier street in all clapham I've never seen it

Pardon me, madam but do we know one another?

[Hyacinth] WHAT THE DEVILS LEFT

Pardon me, miss dysquith

[Barley] I've never known a man to take such care with my reputation...

Pardon me, miss, but don't I know you from somewhere?

I've got one or two fellows coming down in a fortnight (FORTNITE LOLZ XD) but at present it's deadly.

Perhaps you ought to move to town.

That is, of course, when I myself am out of the way.

Perish the though, sir.

Isabel. forgive me, but I don't remember hearing of her

Shall I tell you why?

very we'll..... what was her maiden name

She always insisted that the only name that mattered was my fathers

What about him?

Sibella, I cannot behave as if the very air you breath is not to me love's own narcotic

I should be inconsolable if I lost my mother (kiss)

Sibella, I think it's time you took me seriously

Monty!

Sibella, I've wonderful news, you are not going to believe it--

What would we live on until then?

Sibella, has it never occurred to you to marry for love?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT YOU

Sibella, something miraculous has happened

OH NO I DON'T DARE

Sibella--

Monty!

Sibella--I

I DONT KNOW WHAT ID DO WITHOUT YOU

Sibella...

[SCENE 7B]

Sibella...!

SHE ELOPED WITH YOUR FATHER THE VERY NEXT DAY

So she was... disinherited?

I must show you the tower!

So then may I count on you, Lord Reverend? To put in a good word for me, with the Dysquiths? Perhaps with the earl himself?

[Sibella] It's wonderful, Monty. I'm so happy for you.

Things have changed, haven't they?

You are not like the D'ysquiths, and yet there is something

This is my mother

My mother is queen of shiba. I think that makes me princess of babylon

You shouldn't make fun. It's true. And there are only eight people before me in succession. Which means, I could be Earl one day.

And to think--

To think I began in a third-rate terraced house in Clapham?

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

I say, why don't we calm ourselves down--

Unhand this man, or I shall call of a constable--

HALF AS BEAUTIFULLY AS YOU

Well, actually, there is a matter of some urgency that I would like to discuss

You will note that our belfry is early romanesque, which retains a bit of the byzantine influence

What a marvelous view, you're lordship. Are you certain you couldn't make an exception , in this one case? For the sake of my charming mother, your cousin? Or perhaps out of loyalty to my grandfather, your childhood playmate?

Don't you want to kiss me?

What about Lionel

Oh, baron! I couldn't possibly! The degradation! The deprivation!

What about the children?

Pardon!?

What was her great sin after all? Only love!

Oh don't go yet... your lordship

Where are you off to, in your pink dress?

I must go

Will I see you again?

The cut her ofF

Without a schilling. They ever after behaved as if she and I had never been born

Earl? of Highhurst?

Yes! It seems that mother was a dysquith! Which means I am a D'Ysquith too!

I wish you would.

You see, my father was considered... unsuitable. Because my mother married for love and not for money or property--

Are you quite all right?

Yes, I believe I'll live.

WOULD YOU PLEASE

Yes, but

Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx.

Yes, but now home to starvation and disease, of desperate and abandoned children. A land in need of a new heroine--dare I say, a modern-day Cleopatra.

Perhaps you are wondering why I suddenly came to write to you.

Yes, frankly, I am.

I'm afraid I shall need your hand please!

Yes, of course, my lord!

A cousin?

Yes, we had a mutual Great-Great-Grandfather--Danford Dysquith. My mother was a dysquith. My father was a Castilian. And worse, a musician.

My brother tells me that you are a cousin?

Yes. My mother was Isabel Dysquith

Under tragic circumstances. A skating accident

Yes. My sincerest condolences.

IF WE COULD ALL LIVE... INSIDE OUT

You have a refreshing way of putting things, Miss Dysquith

Only since you were given birth by your sweet mother

You knew mother? I.. I've only just returned from her funeral

OF COURSE OF COURSE YOU DONT BELIEVE ME DO YOU

You must be mad.

And I hers... You were going to offer me a spot of tea were you?

You must forgive my manners, Miss Shingle. Mother always had a kettle on.

So what you told me was true after all.

You should never have doubted it.

I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned

You've heard, of course, of the untouchables in India...

I shall be very glad if you'd pay me a call...

Yours very truly... Lord Adalbert D'ysquith, Senior