Interpersonal communication

What are some Guidelines for effective communication during conflict?

Focus on the overall communication system, time conflict purposefully, aim for win-win, honour yourself and your partner, show grace

Second principle of nonverbal communication?

Nonverbal Communication May Regulate Interaction. More than verbal cues, nonverbal behaviors regulate the flow of communication between people (Guerrero & Floyd, 2006a). In conversations, we generally sense when someone else is through speaking and when it is our turn to talk. Seldom do ex- plicit verbal cues tell us when to speak and when to keep silent. When talking, friends typically don't say,"Your turn to talk," or hold up signs saying "I have finished speaking.".

First principle of nonverbal communication?

Nonverbal Communication May Supplement or Replace Verbal Communication. Communication researchers have identified five ways in which nonverbal behaviors interact with verbal communication (Andersen, 1999; Guerrero & Floyd, 2006a). First, nonverbal behaviors may repeat verbal messages. For example, you might say "yes" while nodding your head

Third principle of nonverbal communication?

Nonverbal Communication Often Establishes Relationship-Level Meanings. To review, the content level of meaning is the literal message. The relationship level of meaning defines communicators' identities and relationships between them. Non- verbal communication often acts as "relationship language" that expresses the overall feeling of relationships (Guerrero & Floyd, 2006a; Manusov & Patterson, 2006). Nonverbal communication can convey three dimensions of relationship-level meaning.

What is nonverbal communication?

Nonverbal communication is all aspects of communication other than words. It includes not only gestures and body language but also how we utter words: inflection, pauses, tone, volume, and accent. Nonverbal communication also includes features of environments that affect interaction, personal objects such as jewelry and clothes, and physical appearance.

How is physical appearance valued when it comes to nonverbal communications?

Western culture places an extremely high value on physical appearance. For this reason, in face-to-face interactions, most of us notice how others look, and we often base our initial evaluations of others on their appearance. The emphasis Western culture places on physical attractiveness and youthful appearance con- tributes to eating disorders, abuse of steroids and other drugs, and the popularity of cosmetic surgery.

Examples of Unproductive communication patterns during conflict?

* Cross-complaining Cross-complaining occurs when one person's complaint is met by a counter- complaint. Shannon could respond to John's request for more time by saying, "Yeah, well, what I want is a little more respect for what I do." * Kitchen-sinking Kitchen-sinking, in which everything except the kitchen sink is thrown into the argument. John may add to his original complaint by recalling all sorts of other real and imagined slights from Shannon. She may reciprocate by hauling out her own laundry list of gripes. The result is such a mass of grievances that John and Shannon are overwhelmed. They can't solve all the problems they've dragged into the discussion, and they may well forget what the original issue was. * Counterproposals The early and middle stages didn't lay the proper ground- work for an effective discussion of solutions. As a result, each person's proposals tend to be met with counterproposals. The self-preoccupation that first surfaced in the early phase persists now, so each person is more interested in pushing his or her solution than in considering the other person's. John proposes, "Maybe we could spend two nights together each week." Shannon counterproposes, "Maybe you could assume responsibility for half the chores around here." Her counterproposal fails to acknowledge his suggestion, so her communication does not confirm him. * Escalating

Counstructive conflict consists of?

* Establishing round rules * Bracketing (One useful technique is bracketing, which is noting that an issue aris- ing in the course of conflict should be discussed later. Bracketing allows partners to confirm each other's concerns by agreeing to deal with them later. In addition, bracketing topics peripheral to the current discussion allows partners to make progress in resolving the immediate issue. To bracket a topic, a person might say, "That's an important point, and we need to discuss it. If we deal with it now, we won't be able to stay focused on what we're discussing now. Could we agree to come back to this later?") * Contracting (Finding common ground - Neither person represses personal needs, and each is committed to building on the other's proposals.)

What are some responses to conflict?

* Loyalty (The loyalty response involves staying committed to a relationship despite differences. Loyalty may be appropriate if tolerating differences isn't too costly, but in some instances deferring your own needs and goals may be too high a price for harmony), * Neglect The neglect response denies or minimizes problems, disagree- ments, anger, tension, or other matters that could lead to overt conflict. People engaging in neglect say,"We don't really disagree" or "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." Neglect gener- ally is destructive because it doesn't resolve tension. It is passive because it avoids discussion *Exit (Exit response involves physically walking out or psychologically withdrawing) * Voice Finally, the voice response addresses conflict directly and attempts to resolve it. People who respond with voice identify problems or tensions and assert a desire to deal with them. Voice implies that people care enough about a relationship to notice when something is wrong and do something to improve the situation. Thus, voice is generally the most constructive way to deal with conflict in intimate relationships (Overall et al., 2010). The voice response is fostered by a win-win orientation toward conflict.

What could be some internal obstacles to listening mindfully?

* Preoccupation When we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can't focus on what someone else is saying. Perhaps you've attended a lecture right before you had a test in another class and later realized you got almost nothing out of the lecture. That's because you were preoccupied with the upcoming test. * Prejudgment Another reason we may not listen effectively is that we pre- judge others or their communication (O'Keefe, 2002). Sometimes we think we already know what is going to be said, so we don't listen carefully. * Reacting to Emotionally Loaded Language A fourth internal obstacle to effective listening is the ten- dency to react to emotionally loaded language—words that evoke strong responses, positive or negative. You may find some words and phrases soothing or pleasant. Certain other words and phrases may summon up negative feelings and images for you. When we react to words that are emotionally loaded for us, we may fail to grasp another person's meaning. * Lack of Effort It is hard work to listen mindfully—to focus closely on what others are saying, to grasp their meanings, to ask questions, and to give responses so that they know we are engaged. It's also hard to control situational noise and perhaps fight fatigue, hunger, or other physiological conditions that can impede listening. * Failure to Adapt Listening Styles A final internal hindrance to effective listening is not recognizing or adjusting to the need for different listening styles. How we listen should vary, for two reasons. First, different skills are needed when we listen for information, to support others, and for pleasure.

How can we structure emotional intelligence?

* Self-awareness - Ventilation fallacy - venting does not help * Managing emotions - Trying not to ruminate over things * Self-motivation - Willpower - money, mating, momentum, mastery - Delaying gratification * Empathy - Knowing others' feelings; talk to lots of people * Managing relationships

What are some external obstacles to listening mindfully?

*Message Overload The sheer amount of communication we engage in makes it difficult to listen fully all the time. Think about your typical day. You go to classes for 3 hours. How much you learn and how well you do on examinations depend on your ability to listen mindfully to material that is often difficult. * Message Complexity The more detailed and complicated the message, the more difficult it is to follow and retain it. People for whom English is a second lan- guage often find it hard to understand English speakers who use complex sentences with multiple clauses or slang expressions. Even native speakers of English often feel overwhelmed by the complexity of some messages. * Noise A third impediment to effective listening is physical noise. Perhaps you've been part of a crowd at a concert or a game. If so, you probably had to shout to the person next to you just to be heard. Although most noise is not as overwhelming as the roar of crowds, there is always some noise in communication situations. It might be music or television in the background, other conversations nearby, pagers that are beeping, or thunder or traffic sounds from outside.

What is defensive listening?

After taking cooking lessons, Thelma bakes a cake for her friend Louise's birthday. When Louise sees the cake, she says,"Wow, that's so sweet. My mom always made a special cake for my birthday, and she would decorate it so elaborately." Thelma re- plies,"Well I'm sorry that I didn't decorate the cake extravagantly. I guess I still have a lot to learn about cooking." Thelma's response illustrates defensive listening, which is perceiving personal attacks, criticism, or hostil- ity in communication that is not critical or mean-spirited. Some people are generally defensive, expecting criticism from all quarters.

What is selective listening?

A third form of nonlistening is selective listening, which involves focusing only on particular parts of communication. As we've noted, all listening is selective to an ex- tent because we can't attend to everything around us. With selective listening, how- ever, we screen out parts of a message that don't interest us and rivet our attention to topics that do interest us. For example, students become highly attentive when a teacher says, " This will be on the test."

How do you Interpret Others' Nonverbal Communication Tentatively?

Although stores are filled with popular advice books that promise to show you how to read nonverbal communication, there really aren't any surefire formulas. It's naive to think we can precisely decode something as complex, ambiguous, and personal as nonverbal communication. * By Personal Qualifications * By Contextual Qualifications

What is ambushing?

Ambushing is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. Unlike the other kinds of nonlistening we've discussed, ambushing involves very careful lis- tening, but it isn't motivated by a genuine desire to understand another. Instead, ambushers listen intently to gather ammunition they can use to attack a speaker.

What are artifacts?

Artifacts are personal objects we use to announce our identities and heritage and to personalize our environments. Many people use avatars to symbolize online identi- ties. In face-to-face communication, we craft our image by our hairstyles, makeup, dress, and personal objects. Nurses and physicians wear white and often drape stethoscopes around their necks; professors travel with briefcases, whereas students more often tote backpacks.

When listening for information - how can we be mindful?

Be Mindful First, it's important to choose to be mindful. Don't let your mind wander when information gets complicated or confusing. Instead, stay focused on the information, and take in as much as you can. Later, you may want to ask questions about mate- rial that wasn't clear even when you listened mindfully.

What are chronemics?

Chronemics refers to how we perceive and use time. In Western culture, there is a norm that important people with high status can keep others waiting (Hickson et al., 2004). Conversely, people with low status are expected to be punctual. It is stan- dard practice to have to wait, sometimes a long while, to see a physician or attorney, even if you have an appointment

What could be obstacles to mindful listening?

External or internal obstacles

What does felt need for resolution mean?

Conflict is more than just having differences. We differ with people about many things, but this doesn't invariably lead to conflict. For example, my in-laws don't like large dogs, and we don't like small ones; my best friend likes very bright paint, and I prefer more neutral tones in my home. These differences don't spark conflict: My in-laws tolerate our Shepherd mix, and we accept their Boston terrier. As my friend and I don't live together, we don't have to agree on what color to paint the walls. In these cases, differences don't result in conflict. Conflict involves tensions between goals, preferences, or decisions that we feel we need to reconcile. In other words, conflict involves two perceptions: the perception that what we want is at odds with what another person wants, and the perception that we and that other person must resolve our differences

What are some other ways of effective listening?

Control Obstacles, Ask Questions, Use Aids to Recall, Organize information, Be careful of expressing judgements, understand the other person's perspective, express support

What does responding entail?

Effective listening also involves responding, which is communicating attention and interest. As we noted in Chapter 1, interpersonal communication is a transactional process in which we simultaneously listen and speak. We don't respond only when others have finished speaking; rather, we respond throughout interaction. This is what makes listening such an active process.

What could be some environmental factors when it comes to nonverbal language?

Environmental factors are elements of settings that affect how we feel and act. For instance, we respond to architecture, colors, room design, temperature, sounds, smells, and lighting (Sternberg, 2009). Rooms with comfortable chairs invite relaxation, whereas rooms with stiff chairs induce formality.

What are Haptics?

Haptics is the sense of touch. Many scholars believe that touch- ing and being touched are essential to a healthy life (Benjamin & Werner, 2004; Field, 2003). Babies who are held closely and tenderly tend to develop into self-confident adults who have secure attachment styles (Field, 2003; Mwakalye & DeAngelis, 1995). Touching also communicates power and status. People with high status touch others and invade others' spaces more than people with less status do

What is interdependance?

Interpersonal conflict can occur only between people who perceive themselves as interdependent at the time of the conflict. Obviously, we are interdependent in I-Thou relationships with close friends, family members, and romantic part- ners. In addition, we may be temporarily interdependent with people in I-You relationships, which would include people we know only casually. For example, Russell and Brittany meet at a party and get into a boisterous argument over politics. Although they do not have a close relationship, during their conversa- tion they do depend on each other: Russell wants to persuade Brit- tany to his political views, and she wants to persuade him to hers. In that moment, they are interdependent because each wants to change the other's mind, and that cannot happen without the other's cooperation.

What is an interpersonal conflict?

Interpersonal conflict exists when there is expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have incompatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences (Wilmot & Hocker, 2006). Let's look more closely at what this definition implies.

What does Expressed disagreement mean?

Interpersonal conflict is expressed disagreement, struggle, or discord. Thus, it is not conflict if we don't recognize disagreement or anger or if we repress it so completely that it is not expressed directly or indirectly. Conflict exists only if disagreements or tensions are expressed. We communicate disagreement in various ways. Shooting daggers with your eyes nonverbally communicates anger just as clearly as saying,"I'm angry with you." Walking out on a conversation and slamming the door express hostility as does re- fusing to talk to someone. Sometimes, we express disagreement overtly or directly, such as by saying,"I'm furious with you!"

How does silence affect nonverbal language?

It can convey powerful messages such as: "I'm not speaking to you" actually speaks volumes. We use silence to communicate different meanings. For instance, it can symbolize contentment when intimates are so comfortable they don't need to talk. Silence can also communicate awkwardness, as you know if you've ever had trouble keeping conversation going on a first date. In some cultures, including many Eastern ones, silence indicates respect and thoughtfulness.

What are Kinesics?

Kinesics refers to body position and body motions, including those of the face. Clearly, we signal a great deal about how we feel and see ourselves by how we hold our bodies. Someone who stands erect and walks confidently is likely to be perceived as self-assured, whereas someone who slouches and shuffles may be seen as lacking confidence.

What does monopolizing mean?

Monopolizing is continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking. One type is conversational rerouting, in which a person shifts the topic back to himself or herself. For example, Ellen tells her friend Marla that she's having trouble with her roommate, and Marla reroutes the conversation with this response: "I know what you mean. My roommate is a real slob. And that's just one of her problems! Let me tell you what I have to live with. . . ." Rerouting takes the conversation away from the person who is talking and focuses it on the self.

What are some similarities between verbal and non-verbal communication?

Nonverbal communication is similar to verbal communication in four respects: it is symbolic, it is rule-guided, it may be intentional or unintentional, and it reflects culture. * Nonverbal Communication Is Symbolic Like verbal communication, much nonverbal communication is symbolic, which means that it is arbitrary, ambiguous, and abstract. * Nonverbal Communication Is Rule-Guided thin particular societies, we share general understandings of which nonverbal behaviors are appropriate in various situations and what they mean. Smiling generally is understood to express friendliness, and scowling normally is perceived as indicating displeasure of some type. *Nonverbal Communication May Be Intentional or Unintentional.Like verbal communication, nonverbal communication may be deliberately controlled. For example, you may carefully select clothes to create a professional impression when you are going to a job interview. Yet nonverbal communication may also be unconscious and unplanned. * Nonverbal Communication Reflects Culture. Like verbal communication, nonverbal behavior is shaped by cultural ideas, values, customs, and his- tory. Just as we learn our culture's language, we also learn its nonverbal codes. For example, in the United States and many other countries, a handshake is the conventional way to begin and end a business meeting. Yet in some cultures, bowing or kissing both cheeks is the standard mode of greeting and bidding goodbye to business contacts.

What is paralanguage?

Paralanguage is communication that is vocal but does not use words. It includes sounds, such as murmurs and gasps, and vocal qualities, such as volume, pitch, and inflection. Paralanguage also includes accents, pronunciation, and the complexity of sentences. Our voices are versatile instruments that give others cues about how to interpret us. Whispering, for instance, signals secrecy and intimacy, whereas shouting con- veys anger.

What are proxemics?

Proxemics refers to space and how we use it (Hall, 1968). Every culture has norms that prescribe how people should use space, how close people should be to one an- other, and how much space different people are entitled to have. In the United States, we generally interact with social acquaintances from a distance of 4 to 12 feet but are comfortable with 18 inches or less between ourselves and close friends and romantic partners

What is pseudolistening?

Pseudolistening is pretending to listen. When we pseudolisten, we appear to be attentive, but really our minds are elsewhere. We engage in pseudolistening when we want to appear conscientious, although we really aren't interested or when we are familiar with what is being said so do not need to give concentrated attention

What does remembering entail?

The final aspect of listening is remembering, which is the process of retaining what you have heard. According to communication teach- ers Ron Adler and Russell Proctor (2014), we remember less than half of a message immedi- ately after we hear it. As time goes by, reten- tion decreases further; we recall only about 35% of a message 8 hours after hearing it.

What is literal listening?

The final form of nonlistening is literal listening, which involves listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning. As we have seen, all com- munication includes content as well as relationship meaning. Literal listening may disconfirm others. When we listen literally, we don't make the effort to understand how others feel about what they say or to endorse them as people.

How do we listen mindfully?

The first step in listening is to make a decision to be mindful. Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment. It's what Anna Deavere Smith teaches medical and law students. When we are mindful, we don't check text messages, let our thoughts drift to what we plan to do this weekend, or focus on our own feelings and responses. Instead, we tune in fully to another person and try to understand what that person is communicating, without imposing our own ideas, judgments, or feelings. Mindfulness grows out of the decision to attend fully to another. Physically, this is signified by paying attention, adopting an involved posture, keeping eye contact, and indicating interest in what the other person says.

What does interpreting communication entail?

The fourth step in listening is interpreting others' communication. The most important principle for effective interpretation is to be person-centered so that you understand another person's perspective on her or his terms.

What does receiving physical messages entail?

The second process involved in listening is hearing, or physically receiving messages. As we noted earlier, hearing is a physiological process in which sound waves hit our eardrums so that we become aware of noises, such as music, traffic, or human voices. For people who have hearing impairments, messages are received in other ways, such as writing, lip reading, and American Sign Language. Receiving messages is a prerequisite for listening. For most of us, hearing is automatic and unhindered.

What does selecting and organizing material entail?

The third element of listening is selecting and organizing material. As we noted in Chapter 3, we don't perceive everything around us. Instead, we selectively at- tend to only some messages and elements of our environments. What we attend to depends on many factors, including our interests, cognitive structures, and expecta- tions. Selective listening is also influenced by culture; even in utero, fetuses become attuned to the sounds of their language ("Babies Seem," 2013). Thus, people who learn a second language later in life may have difficulty recognizing sounds that weren't in their first language (Monastersky, 2001).

Differences between Verbal and Nonverbal Communication?

There are also differences between verbal and nonverbal communication and the meanings we attach to each. We consider three distinctions between the two kinds of communication. * Nonverbal Communication Tends to Be Perceived as More Believable Most people believe that nonverbal communication is more reliable than verbal communication in expressing true feelings. * Nonverbal Communication Is Multichanneled Nonverbal communication often occurs simultaneously in two or more channels, whereas verbal communication tends to take place in a single channel. * Nonverbal Communication Is Continuous Finally, unlike verbal communication, nonverbal communication is continuous. Verbal symbols start and stop. We say something or write something, and then we stop talking or writing. However, we continuously adjust our posture and facial expressions. Furthermore, nonverbal features of environment, such as lighting or temperature, are ongoing influences on interaction and meaning.

How do you Monitor Your Nonverbal Communication?

Think about the previous discussion of ways we use nonverbal behaviors to an- nounce our identities. Are you projecting the image you desire? Do friends ever tell you that you seem uninterested or far away when they are talking to you? If so, you can monitor your nonverbal actions so that you convey greater involvement and interest in conversations.

What are some principles of conflict?

its natural, it may be overt or covert, social groups shape meaning of conflict, conflict can be managed well or poorly, Conflict can be good for relationships