Pirates! Lines

3 pirates + Clunky Bones: "HAPPY BARF DAY TO YE! HAPPY BARF DAY TO YE! HAPPY BARF DAY MR.-"

"-Theodore."

Clunky Bones: "-Well don't you want a barf day party?"

"A barf day party?"

Thad: "AH! There ye are! (fight for Mr. Bananas and fall back)

"AAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhh...."

Clunky Bones: "There ye are!"

"AHHH!!"

(Run across stage)

"AHHHHH"

(Run to center stage)

"AHHHHH"

Merle: "Hide!" Penny: "Where?"

"Anywhere!"

Clunky Bones: "Yeah, mate, a barf day party!"

"Are they fun?"

Doodle : "Ain't ye gonna play with ye barf day ants?"

"Barf day ants?"

Deet: "Ain't ye going to don your barf day socks?"

"Barf day socks?"

Doodle: "I shook 'em up and got 'em real mad just for you, Mr. Weird Beard!

"Do I have to?"

Clunky Bones: "What are ye screaming about?"

"GUYS! THERE'S A FLIPPIN' SKELETON DOWN-"

Clunky Bones: "Yeah? Well, you're ugly!"

"Guys?!"

(Looks up)

"Hello? Anybody? Hello? Help! I'm stuck down here all alone!"

"HOLY COW!" (Everyone leaves stage)

"Holy cow. What happened, Mr. Bananas? Last thing I remember...well...what was it? We were playing pirates... We were getting chased.. and then... You got captured. I tried to rescue you... and then I must have fallen down.. fallen down the... THE SINKHOLE!?"

Clunky Bones: "Ye must have the brain mush, Mr. Weird Beard."

"I don't have brain mush."

Deet: "Not one. Single. Wash."

"I don't-"

Clunky Bones: "Go ahead put it on! It's your barf day gear.

"I look silly."

Clunky Bones: "-Don't be shy! A barf day is a very special day. Hey fellers? Fellers? I found him!!"

"I think you're mistaken-"

"This isn't funny guys!"

"I'd like to be out of here by tomorrow! I'm supposed to go to the Tasty Swirl with my dad! That's a big deal! They have 83 varieties. I'm very excited about the possibilities! Thank you!"

Cramp Hand:...this thing can take an eye out or hole punch an entire dissertation as good as any other. I've fed mates to the sharks for less."

"I'm sorry."

Clunky Bones: "Open wide!"

"If you insist. yuck."

Cramp Hand: "Happy Barf day! How was the party?"

"It was-"

Clunky Bones: "Yes, you, mister sneaks away on his barf day!"

"It's not my-"

Clunky Bones: "Thought ye could get away didn't ye?"

"Me?"

(Hides on the side of the wall)

"Mr. Bananas!"

Thad: "That it does Jay. That it does...yee."

"Mr. Bananas."

Doot: "Well, ain't ye going to eat your barf day worms? I dug 'em up special just for ye, Mr. Weird Beard.

"My name isn't-"

"WASHING MACHINE!"

"NOOOOOO!!"

Cramp Hand: "You're joking, right? You having one over on me? You having a bit of laugh?"

"No sir."

Clunky Bones: "Pour 'em down your trousers of course!"

"No way!"

Clunky Bones: "Because that's who ye is, Mr. Weird Beard."

"No, I'm Theodore."

Doodle: "You hate it!!

"No, no, no. It's perfect, Doodle. That you. It's just...Perfect."

Clunky Bones: "Don't want to be fed to the sharks, do ye?" (exits stage)

"No. I don't want to be fed to any sharks. Would you look at this, Mr. Bananas? A real pirate ship? Can you believe it?"

Doodle: "You hate my barf day gift!....and you hate it!"

"No. It's not that-"

Clunky Bones: "Well ye sure are sounding like ye got the brain mush....ye know what happens to mates who get the brain mush."

"No. What?"

Jay: "Throw his fuzzy behind into the sinkhole?"

"Oh no!"

Becky: "What shall it be Cap'n? Shall we lop off his head with scissors?"

"Oh no."

Clunky Bones: "We feed 'em to the sharks of course! Can't have mates with mushy brains walkin' round everywheres."

"Oh."

Polly Parrot: "Wise guy. Wise guy."

"Oh."

Cramp Hand: "They don't call me the bloodiest buccaneer without a real hook on the high seas for nothing, got me?"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

(Looks at Mr. Bananas)

"Sorry, Mr. Bananas." (Looks up) "I'm almost all alone except for Mr. Bananas! We're olay though. Please send help! (Beat) This isn't funny guys!"

Deet: "AHEM!"

"Sorry."

Clunky Bones: "Well, sure he will, Deet! He'd love to!"

"Sure, I would."

Me: "I'm very excited about the possibilities! Thank you!"

"Surely they know we're down here. I mean, we're both very important. It would be very hard for anyone...to..not.. HELP! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE DOWN HERE!! PLEEEEAAASSEEE!!!"

3 pirates + Clunky Bones: "BARF DAY TO YE! HAPPY BARF DAY TO YE! YOU LOOK LIKE AN OGRE AND YOU SMELL LIKE ONE TEE!"

"Thank you?"

Cramp Hand: "Deserters. Mutiney-ers. And nose pickers!"

"That's three things."

Cramp Hand: "What did you say?"

"The parrot said that."

Cramp Hand: "Anyhoo, I'm glad your back. There ain't no better Ukela-saxa-jay-jay-boo-do player on this side of the equator."

"The what?"

Clunky Bones: (puts socks on) "That's more like it!"

"They're perfect."

(Scene 5, walks on with Clunky Bones)

"This beard is itchy, can I take it off?"

Clunky Bones: "Well it ain't a barf day if ye don't. Thank ye, Doodle. Alright Mr. Weird Beard."

"What do I do with them?"

Clunky Bones: "Oh no!"

"What?"

Doodle: "It's not a barf day party."

"Who's that?"

Clunky Bones: "No."

"Why does everyone keep calling me Mr. Weird Beard?"

Cramp Hand: "They don't call me the murderous pirate monster for nothing, okay?"

"Yes, sir!"

Cramp Hand: "Fellers that are too big for their britches, you get my drift?"

"Yes, sir."

Clunky Bones: "Hey, hey, hey! Cool it, buddy!"i

"You're a skeleton!"