SPAMALOT ACT 2
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
A scratch? Your arm's off!
BEDEVERE: Well, we need to find something numbered A101.
A101.
LADY OF THE LAKE: And so has Patsy.
Ah, yes, but... Patsy's family.
BEDEVERE: Behold sire, a clue! Aioi!
Aioi? That's a bit cryptic isn't it?
NI KNIGHTS: A Herring! Herring! Herring!
All right. We'll find you a shrubbery.
MAYNARD: Amen.
Amen.
NI KNIGHT: But there is one small problem.
And what is that?
LADY OF THE LAKE: I'm as human as you are
And you would consent to be my bride?
LADY OF THE LAKE: Are you asking?
Are you saying yes?
Tim: Look, I'm warning you!
Bors! Go on, Bors. Chop his head off.
LADY OF THE LAKE: Oh, there's an idea.
But I thought you were a fairy.
ROBIN: ... I'm sorry sire, but we dont have a chance
But who are these special people?
TIM: I am an enchanter.
By what name are you known?
LADY OF THE LAKE: You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
Can you help me put on a broadway show?
TIM: For death awaits you and all with nasty great big pointy teeth!
Come on!
BLACK KNIGHT: Ha! You missed me!
Come on, Patsy!
PATSY: Well, maybe we can build one? Out of cats.
Don't be ridiculous. Where are we going to find cats? This is a total disaster. You think it would be easy: one, round up a bunch of knights; two, seek and find the Holy Grail; and five...
(MRS. GALAHAD enters pulling a small low cart with a shrubbery on it.)
Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
HEAD KNIGHT: Thats three times I've said it!
O KNights of Ni, we have brough tyou your shrubbery. May we pass now?
GALAHAD: It's probably right under our feet.
O Lord, we are a bit stumped on the clue thing and we beseech thee to give us a hand. Of course. It is in the audience. Row A, Seat 101!
BEDEVERE: How very clever. It was through the Fourth Wall.
Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of all those who gather together and believe in it!
BEDEVERE: Well, we have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
VOICE: Ni!
Oh no.
NI KNIGHT: The Nights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Oh, Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers lost in these woods.
ROBIN: Oh Sire, shall we reward this humble peasant who has been fortunate enough to be sitting on the Grail?
Oh, absolutely, bring fourth the peasant! Welcome. What is your name, peasant?
LADY OF THE LAKE: Yes. You're in a Broadway show.
Oh, my.
NI KNIGHT: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not is- you wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
Oh, stop it!
GALAHAD: Could it be an eye for an eye?
Oh, thats good.
LADY OF THE LAKE appears in a blue trick dress.
Oh, wow, Lady, you look amazing... wait, I can't just call you Lady. Do you have a name?
LADY OF THE LAKE: You have been in a Broadway show this whole time.
Oh. Who knew? Are there any Jews here?
LADY OF THE LAKE: ... Sure, I've always been offstage for far too long, but I am here to help you and I always have been.
Patsy, I'm not alone.
PATSY: Jeffery Greenblatt
People of Kent, let us all give thanks to Jeffery Greenblatt, the Peasant who has helped us find the Holy Grail here in Kent, Washington. So now we can finish with a wedding.
MINSTREL: HE SIMPLY SHAT HIMSELF INSTEAD...
Robin! Are you running away?
MAYNARD: And breakfast cereals, and fruit bars, and large..."
Skip a bit, Brother.
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
So be it! Now yield, worthy adversary.
PATSY: Well, it's not the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed Christian.
So now what?
TIM: directly to your goal.
Super. So straight on...
PATSY: No, sir.
The Lady of the Lake has been with me all the time.
KNIGHTS: GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KNEE, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD.
There's no time for that. Right! One... Two... Five!
(King Arthur rides in with Patsy)
This is a total bloody disaster! All my Knights have fled and we're lost in a dark and extremely expensive forest.
VOICE: Ni-wom!
Those who hear these words seldom live to tell the tale!
BEDEVERE: Three, sir.
Three!
PATSY: Three, sir.
Three, go home. But no. I'm so depressed.
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!
Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy -
TIM: Well, it's always the same folks, I always tell them, but they never, ever, ever listen.
We'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Rabbit is dynamite.
BEDEVERE: Maybe he was passing out aiiiooooiii....
Well, he'd hardly bother to carve that in the rock.
BEDEVERE: Sire, I wonder if it could be a number.
Well, it could be, but how would that help?
NI KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
Well, what is it you want?
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
Well, what's that then?
LADY OF THE LAKE: Well, you have to finish the show. It is a musical, so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding.
Well, who could I possibly marry?
PATSY: Yes, Sire, on my mother's side.
Well, why didn't you say so?
MOTHER: Yes, I was just throwing it out; the cat won't leave it alone.
What a stroke of luck! I'll take it off your hands. Thank you, Patsy!
PATSY: Cheer up, Sire. You know what they say...
What do they say, Patsy?
NI KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a new test.
What is this test O Knights of Ecky ecky... O Artists formerly known as the Knights Who Say NI?
LADY OF THE LAKE: Everybody has a name, Arthur.
What is yours?
TIM: Greetings!
What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without string or visible supporting device?
LANCELOT: Oh! Maybe it's aioli?
What's that?
TIM: There!
What, behind the rabbit?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
What?
KNIGHTS: Aaaugh! Aaaugh! He said the word again!
What? Is?
NI KNIGHT: Good! You must return here with a lovely shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
NI KNIGHTS: A shrubbery! A shrubbery!
Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?
TIM: Wait! Too late! There it is!
Where?
VOICES: Ni Peng! Ni Wom! Ni.
Who are you?
ROBIN: Yes, Sire, and we don't stand a chance
Why not>
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
PATSY: The truth is, Sire, I'm Jewish.
You are?
TIM: I do. You seek the Holy Grail.
You know much that is hidden, O, Tim.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
You know my name.
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
You liar!
TIM: It is the rabbit!
You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! I am invincible!
You're a loony.
LADY OF THE LAKE: To help you off on your quest...
You?
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared.
Go and change.
SCENE FOUR: (The Black Knight)
Good Sir Knight. I am King Arthur looking for my men. Would you care to join us?
ROBIN: THERE SIMPLY MUST BE, ARTHUR, TRUST ME SIMPLY MUST BE JEWS
Gosh. Well I suppose we'd better go find some Jews then.
ROBIN: Wow, Tim. What a really scary name.
Greetings, O Tim.
LADY OF THE LAKE: My name is... Guinevere.
Guinevere, will you marry me?
NI KNIGHTS: Ecky, ecky, F'tang, F'tang...
Have you heard of this Broadway?
PATSY: Well, it could be worse.
How could it possibly be worse?
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass!
I see. Well, good Sir Knight I have no quarrel with you, but I must pass this way.
PATSY: None, sir.
It's hopeless. This is so depressing. I don't know a single Jewish person. And how are we going to put on a Broadway show? Broadway's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight. I'm a King, without a single knight to command. There's nobody. I'm absolutely alone.
VICTIM: Jeffery Greenblatt
Jeffery Greenblatt your name will be revered here forever in Kent, Washington, with Chris Pratt, Macklemore, Bill Gates, Nick Robinson. You have been nominated for an Arthur, for Best Peasant in Kent, Washington. Patsy, the envelope please.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes, I have.
Look!
NI KNIGHT:We are the Knights Who Say... Ni!
No! Not the Knights Who Say NI!
SCENE NINE: (A bridge too Far)
Now how many Jews have we got so far?
