The Boys Next Door (Arnold)

Norman: Go ahead. Cut in.

"Excuse me, can I cut in?" That's all I'm going to say.

Jack Norman Jack Norman: There's a blueberry one in here. It has a bite out of it, but it's still good.

(A brilliant idea) I can't do it! I don't know the manager's name. There. That's final.

Jack: Yeah! >:(

(Angrily.) Well you got a tic!

Norman: Oh boy, whats "nyet"? Oh boy, nyet. What's "nyet"?

(Gets the rugs) I think I'll be needing these. Call it a behavior pattern if you want, but that's the way I see it. (Exunt.)

Jack: Thanks, Arnold. You too. Train Announcement: Now boarding... Russia.

(Looks back) Blackout. The end. YASSSS.

Jack: No. No, i just thought I'd drop by and see if you wanted... some company.

(Pause.) Jack?

Jack: Sure, Arnold.

(Suddenly, firmly.) Jack, you shouldn't be quitting us.

Lucien: i be making it smell clean.

(Takes aerosol) Lucien, this is furniture polish. You don't use this to freshen the air. This is for polishing furniture. (Doorbell.) It's him! Get ready!

Jack: Arnold, I'll be right back...

(Treacherously) Don't you get it?

Jack: Geez!

AND DON'T GET MAD JACK! ITS NOT POLITE!

Lucien: How come?

Because you can't. It's unsanitary. Let me think. I've got it. The toilet! We'll flush him down!

Lucien Norman: I got him! I got him!

Did you get him?

Jack: Guys, what's the surprise for?

Don't you know, Jack? Boy, this is a surprise. You're leaving us. Harry in the van told us.

Norman: I thought it'd be better.

Don't you understand? Rats can't see in the dark. It's a behavior pattern. They can't see in the dark!

KLEMPER SCENE SENATE SCENE SHEILA DATE Jack big ass monologue VI feat. Broken Barry

Everybody do their jobs or Jack'll be here and our surprise party will be about as surprising as neuralgia.

Norman Lucien: We got him! Norman: He's still moving!

Get him! Smother him!

Lucien: You got horses?

He must have me confused with someone else. I don't have any horses. It's me, Arnold!

You got horses, Arnold?

He's doing it again, Jack. I told you this bothers me. First it was bunnies, now it's horses. It's a behavior pattern.

Jack: Okay, Arnold, let's drift our way back to the rugs.

He's got me so worried with this bunny, I can hardly think.

Jack: Arnold.

Hi Jack. I've fooled three more people. From my point of view, splashing water on your pants is a plan everybody should participate.

Lucien: Get the door! Get the door! Get the door! [Jack enters]

Hi, Jack. It's nice to see you, Jack.

Jack: I'll be right out, Arnold! Hold your horses!

Hold my horses?

Jack: Okay, Arnold, what's the big emergency?

How are you, Jack? It's nice to see you.

Lucien Barry Jack Barry Jack: So, Arnold, when we last tuned in to the planet Xenon, there was something about the rugs.

I almost forgot. The rugs. I forgot about the rugs. Thanks for reminding me. This is important. (Pause.) Does anybody care about the rugs or is it just me? Because if it's just me, I'm not telling. Take it or leave it. (Pause.) Okay. Fine. Nobody cares about the rugs. Fine. If anybody wants me, I'll be in my room thinking about the rugs. And if somebody, for example, wants to know what happened to the rugs, they'll have to get me to tell them. And frankly, I'm not telling anybody anyway, so anyone who asks is just in for a big surprise.

Norman Lucien Train Announcement: On track number one... With continuing service to Washington D.C. All aboard!

I came here tothe train station and just waited for the Russia train. I studied my map for quite a while. And Russia, by the way, is no one-horse town. Going to Russia, an I mean this, is no picnic. (Pause.) And i got to wondering if maybe Lucien was crying again. Poor Lucien. He's a mental wreck. (Long pause.) I'm lost on my way to Russia, thank you. (Suddenly, Jack) Hi, Jack, it's nice to see you today.

Jack Norman Jack Norman Jack ... Norman Lucien: I got charcoal briquettes!

I don't believe this. You make a plan, you think it all through, you work out the details, and then... I'll tell you truthfully, I really don't believe this. This is the kind of thing that bothers me a lot. i mean, it was foolproof!

Norman Jack: No, you do not get to keep the doughnuts... Arnold, just tell the manager you want your money back. Okay?

I don't know, Jack. I mean, that's pretty embarrassing.

Jack: Fine.

I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Norman: What happened? (No response.) Did you cut in? Does she tic or not?

I figured I'd better wait, you know, for a better time. I gave it some serious consideration and I figured I'd better wait. I don't really feel like dancing anyway. Especially with some girl named Helen who has a tic.

Jack: Of course.

I had a little problem with the rugs.

Jack: Now. If you don't put that down, Norman, your keys are ancient history.

I just want you to know that in my entire life I have never seen such pressure. This is like Russia around here. Boy, a guy can't even eat a doughnut or get a few things in for a rainy day. Boy!

Lucien: What about them? You can get in trouble. Jack'd be mad.

I know (sudden panic) I don't know... I don't know...

Lucien: I be home.

I know where you are. Don't let the rat know where you are.

Lucien: I got this

I know! I've got it!

Lucien: It's got my name. Lucien P. Smith

I repeat, I have not forgot the bunny.

Jack: Yeah?

I think maybe I'll go to Russia when they get it worked out a little better. Frankly, it's an awful long wait.

SENATE SCENE Sheila Norman Sheila Norman Sheila: I don't know, but I'd be some kind.

I went up to Helen and she wasn't dancing. She was just sitting there. And I said, "Excuse me, can I cut in?" And she said to me, "You're all wet." Well, that did it. I don't have to take that kind of treatment. "Oh yeah?" I said. "Well you got a tic!" (Imitates tic.) But, and this is the nub, when we started dancing, she didn't tic at all. (Pause.) So what I want to know is, what's she up to?

Jack: I really hope not.

I will (Beat.) Are you still quitting us?

Jack: I hope not.

I will.

Norman: Go ahead.

I'll be back as soon as this dance is over.

Lucien: Get the door. Get the door. Get the door.

I'll get the door, then we'll put it in the tub. Okay?

Lucien Norman: He went down just like toilet paper. Whew! Oh boy.

I'll get the lights!

Jack: Lucien, please stop talking about the bunnies. Norman: And no more cheese. Cheese sticks.

If we can't have cheese, i'll go on a hunger strike.

Jack: I have to, Arnold.

If you quit Jack, I'll hate you.

Lucien: In the tub. In the tub. In the tub.

In the tub! In the tub! In the tub!

Lucien: I be reading good now. ABCDEFG... It's a hard song. [doorbell]

It must be the door!

Jack Norman Jack Norman: Can I eat while I'm thinking it over?

It's a good idea, Jack. I'm going to put it right down on my list of things to do.

Lucien: It's a nice day today.

It's a real beautiful day, Jack, isn't it?

Jack: To Livingston's market... Have you got a receipt?

It's in one of the bags.

Lucien: It be green.

It's nice.

Lucien: I got this. See it.

It's you library card, it's nice.

Jack Norman ... Jack: Every Wednesday... I can never decide if it's the saddest place I've ever been. Or the happiest.

Jack! Oh am I glad to see you. You won't believe what happened.

Jack: Yeah.

Jack, and I emphasize this, you've got better behavior patterns than a lot of, I repeat, people.

Lucien Jack: You're right, Lucien. I drove all the way over here and not one bunny. So what are you two guys up to?

Just hanging around.

Lucien: Whats them?

Just stuff I got at the market. We were running a little low.

Lucien: Lucien P. Smith.

Libraries have that funny smell.

Lucien: It says my name.

Lucien Smith. I see it right there.

Norman: The worst thing you can do is go to a party and everywhere you look there ain't no doughnuts. Oh boy, and they call it a party.

Lucien, if you don't stop spraying, we're all gonna catch asthma and die.

Norman Jack: Just for a snack, right?

My mind is made up. Nobody can talk me out of it. I'm moving to Russia tomorrow, thank you very much.

[curtain opens]

My name is Arnold Wiggins. I'm basically a nervous person. People call me Arnold because I don't have a nickname. So I pretend that Arnold is my nickname so that when people call me Arnold, I pretend that they are close personal friends who know me by my nickname: Arnold. I live here at the Stonehenge Villa apartment complex in a group apartment with three other guys. Did I mention I'm a nervous person? Well, frankly, I am. Today I went to the market at the end of the street to get some Wheaties. But I couldn't remember whether I wanted one box or more boxes, so I asked the manager how many boxes I should get. "For just you?" he said. "Yes, sir," I said. "Seventeen," he said. "Thank you," I said. But, and this is what I want to emphasize by nervous, I could only find nine boxes. So what could I do? (pause) I got nine boxes of Wheaties. And seven heads of lettuce. That made sixteen. And one bag of charcoal briquettes, that made seventeen. And a quart of milk. You know, for the Wheaties, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought I didn't get enough...what? Was it A) Lettuce? B) Wheaties? C) Charcoal Briquettes? This concerned me. So I asked a girl in line what she thought. I forgot what she said, but it was pretty thorough. and then I came home. (pause) Do you think I did the right thing?

Norman Jack ... Norman Jack: He's bringing it right back.

No I'm not!

Lucien: You got a bunny hid?

No, really, Lucien, you never mentioned a bunny before. This concerns me a little. I mean, we're friends and all, and you've never said nothing about a bunny.

Jack: Have you been swimming, Arnold?

Nope. The faucet in the bathroom went crazy! It exploded! Water all over the place!

Barry: This is my place too and I don't intend to spend all night in the dark.

Norman, hurry, flush him!

Lucien Jack Lucien Jack Lucien: In the tub! in the tub! In the tub!

Not now Lucien! Not yet!

Lucien: Nice day.

Not too many clouds in the sky today.

Jack: Stop right there... And Arnold, you are going to do it now.

Now?

Jack: Right... Norman Jack Norman ... Jack: Arnold, listen to me for a second. Will you just listen!?

Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

Jack: Get what?

Oh, this is perfect. Just perfect!

Jack: You are all wet.

Oh, yeah!

Jack: Okay, Arnold, what's going on?

Okay, here's what I did. I went to the bathroom and I peed and I was careful as always, but a couple of drops went on my pants. This made me deeply nervous, so i got in one of the stalls and kind of waited for it to, you know, dry. Well, and get this, my pants wouldn't dry! But then I got this great idea: If I was all wet, people wouldn't know it was pee. They'd think it was something else. So I splashed water all over me and, so far, I've told four people that the water on me was an explosion, and not pee. (A beat.) I've had great results.

Lucien Norman: Smother the rat! Smother the rat! Smother the rat!

Okay, now quick, let me think. Where can we put him?

Jack & Norman Norman Jack big ass monologue II Barry Lucien: Guys! Guys! I got him! He be trapped! Norman: Where is he!?

SHHHHHH...

Lucien: He's big! He be a big one!

SHHHHHHH!!! (lights turn on) Norman, what are you doing? Are you crazy? Now he can see!

Lucien: Guys! He's caught! He be trapped! Under the toilet!

SHHHHHHH...

Norman: I know. Who can keep up with it?

She can't help it. Its a tic. People who got a tic got a tic. They can't do anything about it.It's a behavior pattern. Like a big nose. Or ears that stick out all over the place. I'm just going to cut in. I'm going to say "excuse me, can I cut in?" Jack says we can cut in if we want to.

Jack: What did you tell Helen?

She started it. She, said, and i mean this frankly, Jack, that I was all wet.

Norman: Hello. My name is Norman...

Shhhh!!! (Cheerfully) It's open. Please come right in!

Lucien: Rats, they swim.

Shhhh!!! Let me think! (pause) Okay, we'll flush him down the toilet. But first, just in case, we'll turn off the lights. (he turns off lights) Okay, now he's blinded. Get him by the tail and bring him in the bathroom. Lucien, you flush. I'll stand watch at the door. Go on, take him. Take him!

Barry: Who turned off the lights?

Shhhh... we caught a rat.

Norman Lucien: I be not home!

Shut the door!

Norman: Like this?

Sort of, nut it's more of a... (imitates tic) and let me tell you, Norman, a tic like that concerns me.

Jack: Great.

Stop!

Lucien: In the tub! In the tub! In the tub! [doorbell]

Stop! (idea) I'd better get the door first.

Jack: Let's go outside, Arnold.

Sure, Jack. But I repeat, I could catch a draft and have to take antibiotics.

Norman: That's maybe better.

Sure. It's better.

Jack: I want you to take the Wheaties... take it all back.

Take it all back where?

Jack: We'll stop somewhere.

Thanks, Jack. But i don't want to go anyplace wher you have to eat a la carte. I don't like a la carte.

Lucien Barry Jack big ass monologue III ... Jack big ass monologue IV

That one! That one. I danced with her two weeks ago. You know what she did? She drooled on me. All over my shoulder. Some of it even got on my pants. I hate that when you dance with a girl and she drools on you. It's very unsanitary. See her! Her name's Helen. She has this wicked tic. Every time she dances, she tics. (imitates tic) like that.

Lucien: It smells like books.

That's it! Books! They smell like books!

Jack: Yeah.

That's nice.

Lucien Norman: It just sucked him right down.

That's one of the bravest things I've ever done.

Lucien: He be trapped.

The door's open! Shut the door! No! No, wait. We need a plan. We need an airtight plan. Rats are sneaky. That's why everybody says, "you sneaky rat." We can't waste any time. Norman, shutt off the lights. First thing, we'll blind him. Go on, shut 'em off! Now, Lucien, count to three, then shut the door. Very easy. Don't let him know where you are.

Jack: And a pleasure to see you. What's the emergency?

The rugs.

Lucien: I got this

The tub. We'll put it all in the tub. In the tub. In the tub. In the tub. In the tub.

Jack: Yes.

Then fine. I hate you Curtain up. End of subject. (Long pause.) Can we eat something? I'm very undernourished tonight.

Jack: What rugs?

These rugs.

Lucien: In the bathroom.

This can't wait. This is crucial. (Calling in to the bathroom) Excuse me, Jack, but we have to have a discussion!

Jack presents a big ass monologue. Jack: I've told you over and over not to buy stuff at Livingston's Market. i told you they take advantage of you. I've told you they... tease you. i've done the whole bit, but nothing works. So, we're going to try yet another approach.

This is very nerve-wracking, Jack.

Norman Lucien Norman: But I can't see you.

We're going to flush him him. (Barry turns on lights) Turn em' off! Turn em' off!

Jack: Thanks everybody... Really, thanks. This is really terrific. Really... just terrific.

Were you surprised, Jack? Be frank.

Norman: Oh boy, Lucien, oh boy!

When I move to Russia, if they give me a roomate who says "Oh boy" all the time, I as an American citizen will say nyet to that. NYET! NYET! NYET!

Jack Dance End of Act I ... Jack Norman: He's right down on the list to clean the bathroom... I saw him out front. He's golfing.

Where's Jack? I saw his car. I've got to have a talk with him. This is very important.

Jack: Good idea.

Will you take me home? I think I forgot a few things.

Lucien: Bunnies like lettuce.

Yes, they constantly do. (with suspicion) Do you have a bunny?

Lucien: I be bury him in the sandbox...

You can't bury him in the sandbox, Lucien. The kids play in the sandbox. You can't bury rats where kids play.

Norman: Oh boy!... Who's Wheaties?

You had to mention it, didn't you? You couldn't just ignore them, could you? You couldn't just ignore.

Lucien: Who's got a bunny?

You see, there! He did it again. I do not, I repeat, have a bunny. I do not, I repeat, I do not, I repeat, have a bunny!

Jack: It's great to see you Arnold.

You taking a train somewhere?

Norman: I'm sorry, Arnold. honest. I'm sorry.

You worry me Norman. Honestly, you cause me serious concern.

Jack: No a la carte.

You're going to be a travel agent now, huh Jack?

Jack: (kerboom) Don't tell me what to do!... I've had it with you telling me what to do!

You've got behavior patterns that are not fun, Jack! Not, I repeat, one bit fun!