Time Flies- Theatre Final
("Cuckoo") Horace: Oh come on! That wasn't a whole hour! ("Cuckoo") Horace: Time is moving so fast. ("Cuckoo")
Horace & May: Shut up! ("Cuckoo")
Horace: What makes you think it would be so brief?
Mal: Oh, Im sorry. Did I just insult your vast sexual experience?
Horace: That poor, poor mayfly. David: Fishermen like to bait hooks with mayfly look- alike.
May: Bastards! -Excuse me.
Horace: Well there.
May: Hello.
Horace: Im sorry. Did we collide?
May: No. No. It's fine.
Horace: Leaf? (he plucks another leaf and hands it to her)
May: Thank you.
Horace: Thank you. (May breaks a leaf off a plant and hands it to Horace) David: Mayflies are a major food source for trout and salmon.
May: Will you look at that savagery?
Horace: What is carpe diem? David: It means "bon voyage"
Horace & May: And we're outta here! (They fly off to Paris as... ) BLACKOUT
Horace: Bzzzzzzz David: As you can see, mayflies can be quite affectionate...
Horace & May: Bzzzzzz May: I think it was larve at first sight. May: ( Very british, "Brief encounter") Oh daring, darling.
David: and then there is the giant bullfrog. Frog: (amplified, over loudspeaker) Ribbit, Ribbit!
Horace & May: The frogs are coming, the frogs are coming! (They fly around the stage in a panic- and end up "flying" right into each other's arms)
David: I did. In fact, mayflies born at seven thirty in the morning will die by the next dawn. Horace: (whimpers softly at that thought.) David: But so much for the lowly mayfly. Let's move on to the newt.
Horace & May: We're going to die... We're going to die! Mayday, Mayday! We're going to die we're going to die! (weeping and wailing, the kneel, beat their breasts, cross themselves, daven, and tear their hair)
David: Every species here is engaged in a constant, desperate battle for survival. Feeding- meeting- mating- breeding- dying. And mating. And meeting. And mating. And feeding. And dying. Mating. Mating. Meeting. Breeding. Brooding. Braiding- those that can be braid. Feeding. Mating...
Mal: All right, Sir Dave!
Horace: Eugh. Too gruesome.
May: "Born Yesterday" And "Life on Earth".
Horace: I dont think I could finish the whole thing.
May: "Gnat" to worry. (they laugh politely) May: That's larva dip there in the center. Just dig in.
Horace: What's on that?
May: "Swamp Life" with Sir David Attenborough.
Horace: Well, maybe for just a second. ( Horace flutters down onto the love seat) zzzzzzzz
May: (Hands him a glass) Here you go. Cheers, Horace.
David: Welcome to "swamp life" (David exits)
May: (Hypnotized by Horace) Funny how we flew right into each other's wings.
Horace: Straight up is fine.
May: (as she pours his drink) Sure I couldn't tempt you to try the lily pad?
Horace: Maybe we'll come back as caviar and find out. (They Laugh a little at that) Horace: I was just hoping to live till Tuesday.
May: (making a small joke) What's a Tuesday? (They laugh a little more at that) May: The sun's going to be up soon. Im scared, Horace. Im so scared.
Horace: "Living for a single day." Huh...
May: (setting out a tray on the coffee table) There you go.
Horace: Im sorry. Really, May.
May: (starts to cry) Males!
Horace: (weeping) Wah- ha- ha- ha
May: (suddenly sober) Well isn't this beautiful.
Horace: I love that.
May: ... Gnat with pesto, gnat au naturelle, and gnat king Cole...
A Frog: Ribbit, Ribbit. Horace: A frog!
May: A frog! Horace& May: The frogs are coming, the frogs are coming! A frog, a frog! The frogs are coming, the frogs are coming! May: It's Okay, It's Okay.
Horace: Just some stagnant water would be fine.
May: A little duckweed in that? Some algae?
Horace: When were you born?
May: About 7:30 this morning.
Horace: So, you live here by your, um, all by yourself? Alone?
May: All by my lonesome.
Horace: Always?
May: Always. May & Horace: Bzzzzzzzzzzz
Horace: And Im trying to sort out some very big entomological questions here rather quickly, do you mind?
May: And I'm just the babe here, is that it? Im just a piece of tail.
Horace: You know, I like frog films and frog literature. I just don't like frogs.
May: And they're so rude if you're not a frog yourself
David: As you can see, the lowly mayfly is not one of nature's most attractive creatures.
May: At least we don't wear safari jackets.
Horace: Ribbit, ribbit Horace: (calling for frog) We're right down here! Come and get us!
May: Breeding. Dying. Breeding. Dying. So is this the whole purpose of mayflies? To make more mayflies?
Horace: Eeeuw? No. I say woof. And I say who cares if life is a swamp and we're just a couple of small bugs in a very small pond. I say live, May! I say... Darn it... live!
May: But how?
Horace: Or maybe it's fate (They near each again, as if for a kiss) Bzzzzzzzzz
May: Bzzzzzz.... I think that moon is having a very emotional Effect on me.
Horace: It is what it izzzzzzz
May: Bzzzzzzzzzz
Horace: No. Sure. Im happy to. Absolutely. My pleasure. I mean- you're very, very, very welcome. (Their eyes lock and they near each other as if for a kiss, their wings fluttering a little)
May: Bzzzzzzzzzz
Horace: Me too
May: Bzzzzzzzzzzz
David: (Stops the static sound)... And sixty tons of droppings. Horace: That fixed it.
May: Can I offer you some food? I've got some plankton in the pond. And some very nice gnat.
Horace: Eugh. Im glad that's over.
May: Care for some music? Iv'e got the Beatles, the Byrds, The Crickets.
Horace: Do we have time to fly to Paris?
May: Carpe diem!
Horace: Carpe diem.
May: Carpe diem, what's that?
Horace: Do you think he's gone?
May: David Attenborough?
David: Unfortunately for this insect, the mayfly had a life span of only one day. (Horace and May stop buzzing, abruptly) Horace: What was that...? David: The mayfly has a life span of only one day- living just enough to meet, mate, have offspring, and die.
May: Did he say "meet, mate, have offspring, and DIE"- ?
Horace: Bzzzzzzzz ( They near for a kiss, but Horace breaks away) Horace: Well, I'd better get going now. Good Night.
May: Do you want a drink?
Horace: How nice for the salmon.
May: Do you want more food?
Horace: Long life, May. (They click glasses)
May: Do you want to watch some tube?
Horace: You know, May, we don't have much time, and really, we hardly know each other- but Im going to say it. I think you're swell. I think you're divine. From your buggy eyes to the thick raspy hair on your legs to the intoxicating scent pf your secretions.
May: Eeeuw!
Horace: Do you have a paper bag?
May: For the common mayfly, foreplay segues right into funeral.
Horace: (Suddenly sober) This explains everything. We were born this morning, we hit puberty in mid- afternoon, our biological clocks went BONG, and here we are, hot to copulate.
May: For the one brief miserable time we get to do it.
David: As for the life of the common mayfly... Horace: Oh. We're "common" now. David: ... it is a simple round of meeting, mating, meeting, mating-
May: Here we go again.
Horace: Can I remind you we only get one shot at this? Horace: Im just saying there's not a lot of time to hone one's erotic technique, okay?
May: Hmp!
Horace: You look very good.
May: I can't look at this.
David: ... and is of the order Ephemeroptera, meaning, "Living for a single day."
May: I did not know that!
Horace: Do you have a paper bag?
May: I don't have time to look for a paper bag, Im going to be dead very shortly, all right?
Horace: (gasping for breath) Oh my goodness. I think Im having an asthma attack. Can mayflies have asthma?
May: I don't know. Ask Mr. Safari Jacket.
("Cuckoo") Horace: What time is it? What time is it?
May: I don't wear a watch. Im a lowly mayfly!
Horace: What's Paris?
May: I have no idea.
Horace: Are you more experienced than I am, Dr. Ruth? Luring me here to your pad?
May: I see. I see. Blame me!
David: The lowly mayfly. Horace: Did he say " the mayfly"?
May: I think he said " The lowly mayfly."
Horace: Oh my goodness.
May: I think he's gone now.
David: You may not believe it, but within this seemingly lifeless puddle, there thrives a teeming world of vibrant life. Horace: May, look- isn't that your pond?
May: I think that is my pond!
Horace: I wish he'd stop saying "lowly mayfly" David: The lowly mayfly has a very distinctive khkhkhkkhkhkhkhk ( He makes the sound of TV "static")
May: I think there's something wrong with my antenna...
Horace: I dont believe it!
May: I wish my mother was here to see this!
Horace: I do love good gnat.
May: I'll set it out, you can pick. (She rises and gets some food, as:)
Horace: Im not the one who suggested TV.
May: Im not the one who wanted to watch "Life on Earth" "Oh- 'Swamp Life'. That sounds interesting".
Horace: It's Horace actually.
May: Im sorry, the buzz at that party was so loud.
Horace: So was I! 7:33
May: Isn't that funny.
Horace: That's the first moon I've ever seen...!
May: Isn't that funny.
Horace: I don't know. Im just a mayfly. (Cuckoo) Horace: And we're right time for it. David: Hello, I'm David Attenborough. Welcome to swamp life.
May: Isn't this comfy?
Horace: He said "puddle" David: This puddle is only several inches across but its stagnant plays host to over fourteen gazillion different species.
May: It is my pond!
Horace: Me too
May: It must be nature.
Horace: The original, or Jeff Goldblum?
May: Jeff Goldblum.
David: -breeding, feeding, feeding... Horace: This dip is fabulous. David:.. and dying.
May: Leaf?
Horace: I'd love a drink actually...
May: Let me just turn on a couple of fireflies. (May tickles the underside of a couple of TWO FOOT LONF FIREFLIES hanging like a chandelier, and the fireflies light up)
Horace: Oh do darling do let's always be good to each other, shall we?
May: Let's do do that, darling, always, always.
Horace: Sure. What's on?
May: Let's see. (She checks a green TV Guide) There is "The Love bug", "M. Butterfly", " The spider", "Travels with my aunt", "Angles and Insects", The fly..."
Horace: It's that late, is it. Anyways, it was very nice meeting you- im sorry, is it April?
May: May.
Horace: Isn't that funny. Mine died around dawn too.
May: Maybe it's fate.
Horace: Is my wing in your way?
May: No it's fine.
Horace: Im sorry
May: No, Im sorry
Horace: No, Im sorry.
May: No, Im sorry.
Horace: (as they boogie to that) So are you going out with any- I mean, are there any other mayflies in the neighborhood?
May: No, it's mostly wasps.
Horace: You don't, ah, live with your parents, do you, may?
May: No, my parents died around dawn this morning.
Horace: You don't have cable?
May: Not on this pond.
Horace: Im sorry.
May: Oh Horace, I had such plans. I had such wonderful plans. I wanted to see Paris.
Frog: Ribbit, ribbit. Horace: (calmly) There's a frog up there.
May: Oh Im really scared. Im terrified.
David: Yes. The lowly mayfly. Like these two mayflies, for instance. Horace: May- I think that's us!
May: Oh my God... Horace & May: We're on television!
Horace: Really. I didn't mean to snap at you.
May: Oh, you've been very nice. ("Cuckoo") (They jump) May: Under the circumstances.
Horace: I've lost me appetite, all right?
May: Oh. excuse me.
Horace: Do you have a paper bag?
May: One bang, a bambino, and boom- that's it?
Horace: That's all right. I'll just- you know- hover. But will you look at that...! (Turning, Horace bats May with his wings)
May: Oof!
Horace: It is funny.
May: Or fate.
Horace: Me too
May: Or maybe it's fate.
Horace: Iv'e only had my wings for about 6 hours.
May: Really! So have I...! Wasn't molting disgusting?
Horace: That sounds good.
May: Shall we try it?
Horace: Maybe if I put a paper bag over my head...
May: So is this my sex life?
Horace: Already? That was fast.
May: Swell Party, huh.
Horace: Yeah.
May: Talk about a quickie.
Horace: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
May: Talk fast.
Horace: Yeah. Quite a swarm.
May: Thank you for flying me home.
Horace: Oh my goodness, that scared me.
May: That is the only drawback to living here. The frogs.
David: The lowly mayfly first appeared some 350 million years ago...
May: That's Impressive.
Horace: May. Yes. Later than I thought, huh. (They laugh politely)
May: That's very funny, Vergil.
David: Mating, Mating, Mating, and mating... Horace: Only one thing on his mind.
May: The filth on television these days.
Horace: Wow. Great pond. (Indicating to the love seat) I love the lily pad.
May: The lily pad was already here. It kinda grew on me. (polite laugh) Care to take a load off your wings?
David: Tonight we start off with one of the saddest creatures of this environment. Horace: The dung Beetle.
May: The toad
Horace: Gosh, May. That's beautiful.
May: There's curried gnat, Salted gnat, Scottish smoked gnat...
Horace: Well, I don't honestly know that... (Attenborough appears) David:You could fly to Paris.
May: We could fly to Paris!
Horace: No, Im sorry.
May: We'd better stop apologizing, we're going to be dead soon.
Horace: Does the world need more mayflies?
May: We're a major food source for trout and salmon.
Horace & May: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz (Their wings stop fluttering, as they "settle")
May: Well here we are. This is my place.
Horace: I love the Crickets.
May: Well so do I... (she kicks a large, insect- shaped coffee table, and we hear the buzz of crickets)
Horace: The frog.
May: What frog? Bzzzzzzz
Horace: I don't know, it's Latin.
May: What's Latin?
Horace: So you're "May the Mayfly."
May: Yeah. Guess my parents didn't have much imagination. May, mayfly.
Horace: And will you look at that moon.
May: You know, that's the first moon I've ever seen.
Horace: This is amazing!
May:Oh God, I look terrible!
Horace: Look at me. Im shaking.
May:Why don't I fix you somethings. Would you like a grasshopper? Or a singer?