ch. 9 conflict

5. conflict can be good for individuals and relationships

-provides opportunities for us to grow as individuals. it can be good. when resolved it -enlarges partners understanding of one another- when resolve it you listen to the others view points and where they come from

conflict management skills

1. Attend to the relationship level of meaning. "what does this person mean to me. listen to who they are to you. dont get made cuz of the issue, calm down and remember who the person is to you. 2. communicate supportively; 3.listen mindfully; being fully present in the interaction. 4. own your feelings, thoughts, and issues.own what you think and feel. use I language. 5.check perceptions; easily distorted when conflict is present. own your part of the argument. clarify 6.look for points of agreement: find moments where you can connect. find a point of agreement. 7.look for ways to preserve the others face.be gracious, not see told you say. 8. imagine how you will feel in the future. think about how it will feel in the future.

principals of conflict

1. conflict is natural in most western relationship-conflict can be positive, everyday happens constantly 2.conflict may be expressed overtly or covertly-people care enough to want to resolve the tension- ~overt conflict- (more healthy) out in the open and explicit; exists when people deal with their differences in a direct, straight forward manner. -shouting match, express you dont like something- i get bothered when you keep showing up,so say something. ~covert conflict- when people express their feelings about disagreements indirectly- ex.passive agressive (fb status). -people play games(you wanna fight but you dont actually deal with the real issue) -passive aggression- occurs when individuals act aggressive. -Games: when real conflicts are hidden or denied and counterfeit excuse is created for arguing or criticizing. -"Blemish" (complement but offend in the same statement) "mine is worse than your"

2. win-lose

person thinks every conflict always results in one loss and one winner. one person is always going to lose. ex do i take this persons last name or not, someone will lose. undermines relationships because some one has to lose. some want to win so much they put the winning above the relationship. (sister fighting). if have little investment in the relationship it can be good(buying a car)

conflict styles 1. Avoidance lose lose

characterized by trying to dodge the conflict by ignoring or changing the topic, being vague about positions or preferences or using joking to respomd to a challenege, threat or disagrement. advt: useful when there is little commitment, why solve it if you dont care. it can buy you time, think about where your coming from. dis: things never get resolved. tensions, continually grows while you avoid it. causes you to blow up, reinforce the idea that conflict is bad. - the problem is not directly addressed or resolved.

4.voice

communicating about difference, tensions, disagreements. -constructive-voicing what to problem is, care enough to want to solve it. relationship is worth saving. -active-facing the conflict, working through it -win win

4. conflict can be managed well or poorly

depending on how we handle disagreements, conflict can either promote continuing closeness or a tear a relationship apart. are you going to become closer or pull apart

Interpersonal conflict

expressed tension between people who are interdependent, perceive they have compatible goals, and feel a need to resolve those differences -expressed tension -interdependence -perceived incompatible goals -the felt need to resolution

constructive comm. patterns

open, non judgemental, confirming and non strategic. creates a supportive.. 1. the early stages: communication each other by recognizing and acknowledging each others concerns and feelings. may not agree, just have to say seems to me your having a problem 2. middle stages: very focuses on main issues and eliminating distractions -bracketing: if something else get brought up, you say well lets focus on this issue and deal with that later. -dont interrupt. -recognize and acknowledge where they come from 3. later stages: -contracting: put all ideas on table and see what can benefit everyone an be happy with.

orientations to conflict 1. Lose- lose

people who conflict is horrible, unhealthy and everyone will be in a loss. avoid conflict. if the issue is trivial like where to going to dinner it can be good. if its serious and keeps building then this is negative

5.collaborating:

win win- both side equally work to meet goals, timely. every one gains. dont lose anything.

2.competing win lose

-by aggressive and uncooperative behavior that pursues the competing persons own agendas at the expense of the others. Im winning, putting my dukes up. worried about your agenda and winning - good in emergencies

guidelines for effective communication during conflict

1. focus on overall communication system 2. time conflict purposefully 3. aim for win win conflict 4. honor yourself, your partner and relationship 5. show grace when appropraite

3. social groups shape the meaning of conflict behaviors

Cultural differences regarding conflict - mainstream culture in the us emphasize assertiveness and individuality, so many americans are competitive and reluctant to give into to others - in more communal societies people have less individualistic perspectives and are less likely to focus on winning conflicts. care more about the community than the conflict. -differences among social communities -religion, gender, sexual orientation, and race.ethnicity may influence orientation toward conflict. ( women are more likely to confront conflict, cuz they want the connection and want to get rid of it)

2. neglect

Denial or minimization of problems disagreements anger tension or other matters. -you making a mountain out a of a mole hill -i dont understand why were fighting about this. -destructive- tension still exists -passive- avoids discussion loselose, winlose

social media and conflict

adv: can step away and take your time to respond dis: can lead to flaming;insulting another person online, often using derogatory or obscene lang. -can ignore it- dont have to reply -ask moderator to intervene -continue conversation privately

4.compromising:winwin

both parties have similar goals. not long term. lose something but gain something

3.accomodating lose lose

happens when a person puts away his or her own agendas and concerns in favor of pleasing the other person involved. give in to what the other person wants. care more about the other person more than yourself. start to forget who you are. can be a way to deny conflict. can be a strategic way to manipulate the other person. the other person starts to feel guilty. adv: can help you make up for previous errors. protect person of lower status from harm, can help maintain harmony. dis: people think your a push over, and will take advantage for you. create false harmony. builds resentment. when realize they have been in the wrong. (lose win)

unproductive comm. patterns during conflict

reflects preoccupation with oneself and a disregard for the other. As a result a communication tends to be negative 1. The early stage: comm, that fails to confirm individuals. -cross complaining: when one persons complain is met by a counter complaint; complaining met by another complaining -establishes a negative complaint 2. the middle stages; -Kitchen sink- get all the built up stuff out at once and let lose. throw everything out. -frequent interruptions- 3. the later stages: -counter personal-resolving the conflict on your own terms rather than taking the other persons proposals into account; your sick of the conflict and want to resolve but still on your own terms -self summarizing- when you repeat the point your trying to make many times. "but like i said"

3. loyalty

silent allegiance to a relationship and a person when conflict exists. -let other person have way, care to much about relationship dont wanna mess anything up -constructive short term deconstructive long term -passive -not acknowledging conflict, just giving in. -lose lose

3. win-win

there are usually ways to resolve differences so that everyone gains. everyone can gain something. disadvantage: both walk away winners: takes a lot of time for this to happen. advt: you both walk away you won something, happier realationships

responses to conflict 1. Exit

to leave conflict either psychologically by tuning out disagreements or physically by walking away from an argument or even leaning the relationship. -deconstructive method -not addressing the issue at hand -active response- forceful way to avoid conflict -lose lose. win lose