CMST 106 Final VVC

CHAPTER 4 PERCEIVING OTHERS

First-order vs. second-order reality (104) Perception and its steps (selection, organization, etc.) (page 106) Influences on perception (physiological, psychological, etc.) (pg 110) Perceptual tendencies (snap judgments, cling to first impressions, etc.) (pg 118) Empathy (126)

"I," "You," and "We" Language pg 153

"You" language, by contrast, expresses a judgment of the other person. "I" language provides a more accurate and less provocative way to express a complaint. Communicators who use these kinds of "I" messages engage in assertiveness—clearly "We" language implies that the issue is the concern and responsibility of both the speaker and receiver of a message. (pg 154)

Internal Dialectical Tensions pg 273

(pg 273) Some maintain that it's possible for a relationship to have attributes of both "coming together" and "coming apart" at the same time. Maintaining relationships, then, is about managing these competing goals. Scholars call these struggles dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible desires exist simultaneously in a relationship. 1. connection-autonomy dialectic: pg 274 We want to be close to others, but at the same time we seek independence. how do we balance our time together vs apart? 2. pg 275. acknowledges that stability is an important need in relationships, but that too much of it can lead to feelings of staleness. The predictability-novelty dialectic describes how this operates within a relationship. how do we keep things fresh? 3. openness-closedness dialectic pg 276. What do you do in an intimate relationship when a person you care about asks an important question that you don't want to answer? "Do you think I'm attractive?" "Are you having a good time?" "What's my problem?" Your commitment to the relationship may compel you toward honesty, but your concern for the other person's feelings and a desire for privacy may lead you to be less than completely. Wise communicators make choices about what they will and won't share with loved ones sometimes.

Communication Principals: Communication Is Unrepeatable pg 14

1. Because communication is an ongoing process, an event cannot be repeated. The friendly smile you gave a stranger last week may not succeed with the person you encounter tomorrow. 2. Why? Because both you and the other person have changed. You've both lived longer, and your feelings about each other may have changed.

Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators Open mindedness

1. Being comfortable with ambiguity is important, but without an openminded attitude a communicator will have trouble interacting competently with people from different backgrounds. 2.

Characteristics of competent communication. Cognitive Complexity pg 22

1. Cognitive complexity is the ability to construct a variety of different frameworks for viewing an issue. 2. Imagine that a longtime friend never responded to a message from you, but you expected a response. One possible explanation is that your friend is offended by something you've done. Another possibility is that something has happened in another part of your friend's life that is upsetting. Or perhaps nothing at all is wrong, and you're just being overly sensitive. 3. The relationship makes sense: The more ways you have to understand others and interpret their behaviors, the greater the likelihood that you can see and communicate about the world from their perspective

Chapter 1: What to expect

1. Communication principles (transactional, two dimensions, etc.) 2.Impersonal vs. interpersonal communication 3. Communication competence 4. Characteristics of competent communicators (adaptability, empathy, etc.)

Toxic Conflict: The "Four Horsemen"

1. Criticism (pg 339): These are attacks on a person's character. 2. Defensiveness: defensiveness is a reaction that aims to protect one's presenting self by denying responsibility ("You're crazy—I never do that") and counterattacking ("You're worse about that than I am"). 3. Contempt (pg 340): Contempt: A contemptuous comment belittles and demeans. It can take the form of name-calling putdowns ("You're a real jerk") or sarcastic barbs ("Oh, that was brilliant"). Contempt can also be communicated nonverbally through dramatic eye rolls or disgusted sighs. 4. Stonewalling : Stonewalling occurs when one person in a relationship withdraws from the interaction, shutting down dialogue—and any chance of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way.

empathy defined pg 127

1. Empathy has three dimensions. On one level, empathy involves perspective taking—the ability to take on the viewpoint of another person 2. Besides cognitive understanding, empathy also has an affective dimension—what social scientists term emotional contagion. In everyday language, emotional contagion means that we experience the same feelings that others have. 3. genuine concern for the welfare of the other person. Not only do we think and feel as others do, but we have a sincere interest in their well-being.

Elements of conflict

1. Expressed struggle pg 325: The definition of conflict requires that all the people involved know that some disagreement exists. You may be upset for months because a neighbor's loud music keeps you awake at night, but no conflict exists until the neighbor learns about your problem. 2. Interdependence: However antagonistic they might feel, the people in a conflict are connected. The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of the other(s) 3. Perceived incompatible goals: All conflicts look as if one person's gain would be another's loss. For instance, consider a neighbor whose music keeps you awake at night. It appears that someone has to lose: Either the neighbor loses the enjoyment of hearing the music at full volume, or else you are still awake and unhappy. 4. Perceived scarce resources pg 326: Conflicts also exist when people believe there isn't enough of something to go around: affection, money, space, and so on. Time is often a scarce commodity. Many people struggle to meet the competing demands of school, work, family, and friends. 5. Inevitability: Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best relationships.

Perception and its steps STEPS IN THE PERCEPTION PROCESS page 106

1. Selection pg 106: determining which data we will attend to. (Intensity. Something that is louder, larger, or brighter stands out.) (Repetition. Repetitious stimuli can also attract our attention.) (Contrast or change. Unchanging people or things are less noticeable.) 2. Organization: arranging information in some meaningful way (out of many possibilities) to help make sense of the world. 3. Interpretation pg 107: attaching meaning to sense data 4. Negotiation pg 108: Imagine you think a person you just met is attractive, and you mention this impression to friends. If you hear negative appraisals from them ("I don't find that person attractive"), you might shift your initial perception.

Self disclosure factors Availability of information pg 85

1. Self-disclosing messages must contain information that the other person is not likely to know at the time or be able to obtain from another source.

Types of Listening Responses

1. Silent Listening pg 208: Silent listening allows you to stay attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback. 2. Questioning pg 209: questioning is asking for additional information. 3. Paraphrasing pg 211: Paraphrasing is providing feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent. 4. Empathizing pg 214: Empathizing is a response style listeners use when they want to show they identify with a speaker. 5. Supporting pg 216: Supporting responses reveal the listener's solidarity with the speaker's situation. 6. Analyzing pg 218: In analyzing a situation, the listener offers an interpretation of a speaker's message ("I think what's really bothering you is 7. Evaluating pg 218: An evaluating response appraises the sender's thoughts or behaviors in some way. The evaluation may be favorable ("That's a good idea" or "You're on the right track now") 8. Advising pg 219: When approached with another's problem, the most common reaction is advising

Communication competence There Is No Single "Ideal" or "Effective" Way to Communicate pg 19

1. Some very successful communicators are serious, whereas others use humor; some are gregarious, others are quieter; and some are more straightforward, while others hint diplomatically. 2. Furthermore, a type of communication that is competent in one setting might be a colossal blunder in another, and what one person thinks is competent may seem incompetent to another

Self disclosure factors Context of sharing pg 86

1. Sometimes the self-disclosing nature of a statement comes from the setting in which it is uttered. For instance, relatively innocuous information about family life seems more personal when a student shares it with the class

Communication Principals Communication Can Be Intentional or Unintentional pg 13

1. Suppose, for instance, that a friend overhears you muttering complaints to yourself. Even though you didn't intend for her to hear your remarks, they certainly did carry a message. In addition to these slips of the tongue, we unintentionally send many nonverbal messages. You might not be aware of your sour expression, impatient shifting, or sighs of boredom, but others read into them nonetheless. 2. Recall times when you sent a text or left a voice message and received no reply. You probably assigned some meaning to the nonresponse. 3.All behavior has communicative value. "Nothing" never happens.

Communication Principals: Communication Has a Content Dimension and a Relational Dimension pg 14

1. The content dimension involves the information being explicitly discussed: "Please pass the salt"; "Not now, I'm tired"; "You forgot to check your messages." 2. all messages also have a relational dimension (Watzlawick et al., 1967) that expresses how you feel about the other person: whether you like or dislike the other person, feel in control or subordinate, feel comfortable or anxious, and so on. 3. Sometimes the content dimension of a message is all that matters. For example, you may not care how the barista feels about you as long as you get your coffee. In a qualitative sense, however, the relational dimension of a message is often more important than the content under discussion.

Impression management. Public and private selves pg 78

1. The perceived self is the person you believe yourself to be in moments of honest self examination. The perceived self may not be accurate in every respect. For example, you might think you are much more (or less) intelligent than an objective test would measure. 2. the presenting self is a public image—the way we want to appear to others. In most cases the presenting self we seek to create is a socially approved image 3. Sociologist Erving Goffman (1959, 1983) used the word face to describe this socially approved identity, and he coined the term facework to describe the verbal and nonverbal ways in which we act to maintain our own presenting image and the images of others.

Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators Patience and Perseverance pg 63

1. The transition from culture shock to adaptation and growth is usually successful, but it isn't a smooth, linear process. Instead, people tend to take two steps forward and one step back and to repeat that pattern many times. 2. Becoming comfortable and competent in a new culture or co-culture may be ultimately rewarding, but the process isn't easy. After a "honeymoon" phase, it's typical to feel confused, disenchanted, lonesome, and homesick.

Self Concept and its characteristics The Self-Concept Is Subjective pg 73

1. The way we view ourselves may be at odds with others' perceptions and often with the observable facts. Sometimes we have unrealistically favorable self-appraisals. As another example, people are notoriously bad judges of their own communication skills. 2. There are also times when we view ourselves more harshly than the facts warrant.

The self-fulfilling prophecy Types of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies pg 77

1. There are two types of self-fulfilling prophecies. Self-imposed prophecies occur when your own expectations influence your behavior. You've probably had the experience of waking up in a cross mood and saying to yourself, "This will be a bad day." Once you made such a decision, you may have acted in ways that made it come true 2. A second category of self-fulfilling prophecies occurs when one person's expectations govern another's actions. The experimenters told teachers that 20 percent of the children in a certain elementary school showed unusual potential for intellectual growth. The names of the 20 percent were drawn by means of a table of random numbers. Eight months later these children showed significantly greater gains in IQ than did the remaining children, who had not been singled out for the teachers' attention. The change in the teachers' behavior toward these allegedly "special" children led to changes in their intellectual performance. Among other things, the teachers gave the "smart" students more time to answer questions and provided more feedback to them. These children did better not because they were any more intelligent than their classmates, but because their teachers—significant others—communicated the expectation that they could.

Self Concept and its characteristics The Self-Concept Resists Change pg 75

1. To be realistic, a self-concept should reflect the way we change over time, but it often does not. We resist revising it and even seek out people who confirm how we see ourselves. 2. We are understandably reluctant to revise a favorable self-perception. Likewise, if you used to be a serious student, acknowledging that you have slacked off isn't easy. 3.

Communication Principals: Transactional

1. To put it simply, communication isn't something we do to others; rather, it is an activity we do with them. (pg 13) 2. Psychologist Kenneth Gergen (1991) expresses the transactional nature of communication well when he points out how our success depends on interaction with others. As he says, "one cannot be 'attractive' without others who are attracted, a 'leader' without others willing to follow, or a 'loving person' without others to affirm with appreciation" (pg 13)

Communication Principals: Communication Is Irreversible pg 14

1. Unfortunately, such reversal is impossible. Sometimes, further explanation can clear up confusion, or an apology can mollify hurt feelings, but other times no amount of explanation can change the impression you have created. 2. Words said, messages sent, and deeds done are irretrievable.

Self disclosure factors Depth pg 85

A self-disclosing statement is generally regarded as being personal—containing relatively "deep" rather than "surface" information. Of course, what is personal and intimate for one person may not be for another.

Interpersonal vs Impersonal communication Impersonal Communication

A type of communication or interaction that is based specifically on social roles, such as communication between a sales representative and a potential customer. The manner of communication is informal and superficial, covering topics necessary to instigate a sale or similar transaction

"it" statements pg 152

As their name implies, "it" statements replace the personal pronouns I and me with the less immediate construction it's. By contrast, "I" language clearly identifies the speaker as the source of a message. Communicators who use "it" statements avoid ownership of a message.

influences on perception cultural influences page 117

Culture plays an important role in our ability to understand the perspectives of others (Amarasinghe, 2012; Croucher, 2013). People raised in individualist cultures, which value independence, are often less adept at perspective-taking than those from collectiv-ist cultures, which value interdependence.

Chapter 11 Managing conflict

Elements of conflict (expressed struggle, perceived incompatible goals, etc.) Conflict management styles (avoidance, accommodation, etc.) "The four horsemen of the apocalypse" (criticism, defensiveness, etc.) Variables in conflict styles (gender and culture)

Chapter 8

Emotional intelligence Influences on emotional expression (personality, culture, etc.) Guidelines for expressing emotions (recognize your feelings, etc.) Facilitative vs. debilitative emotions

hearing vs listening pg 198

Hearing is the process in which sound waves strike the eardrum and cause vibrations that are transmitted to the brain. Listening occurs when the brain reconstructs these electrochemical impulses into a representation of the original sound and then gives them meaning Listening, however, isn't automatic. Many times we hear but do not listen. Sometimes we automatically and unconsciously block out irritating sounds, such as a neighbor's lawn mower or the roar of nearby traffic. We also stop listening when we find a subject unimportant or uninteresting.

Chapter 7 195

Listening: Receiving and Responding Chp. 7 Hearing vs. listening Listening obstacles (information overload, preoccupation, etc.) Poor listening habits (pseudolistening, stage hogging, etc.) Listening responses (silent listening, questioning, etc.)

Linguistic relativity 139-140

The best-known declaration of linguistic relativity is the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, credited to Benjamin Whorf, an amateur linguist, and anthropologist Edward Sapir (Tohidian, 2009; Whorf, 1956). Following Sapir's theoretical work, Whorf found that the language spoken by Hopi Native Americans represented a view of reality that is dramatically different from how speakers of other languages view the world. The potential impact of linguistic relativity on interpersonal communication is significant. Consider the difference between the phrases "You make me angry" and "I get angry when you. . . ." The first phrase says to the other person—and to yourself—that your anger is the other person's fault. The second phrase is an "I" message that takes responsibility for your emotions

Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators Motivation and attitude

The desire to communicate successfully with strangers is an important start. For example, people who are highly willing to communicate with people from other cultures report a greater number of friends from different backgrounds than those who are less willing to reach out

first order vs second order reality page 105

This may seem hard to accept until we recognize that there are two levels of reality, which have been labeled "first order" and "second order" (Nardone & Watzlawick, 2005; Watzlawick, 1984, 1990). First-order realities are physically observable qualities of a thing or situation (e.g., your neighbor speaks with an accent). By contrast, second-order realities involve our attaching meaning to first-order things or situations (e.g., the accent makes her sound exotic). Second-order realities don't reside in objects or events, but rather in our minds.

emotional intelligence

emotional intelligence: describes the ability to understand and manage one's own emotions and to be sensitive to others' feelings. (pg 228) "the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically."

empathy ch 4 perception checking is right before this pg 126

empathy— the ability to recreate another person's perspective, to experience the world from his or her point of view

Strategies for rational repair pg 286

first step to repairing a transgression is to talk about the violation For the best chance of repairing a seriously damaged relationship, an apology needs to be offered. Here are the top three things people look for in an apology, in order of importance (Lewicki et al., 2016): 1. Acknowledgment of responsibility: "It was my fault; I acted like a selfish jerk." 2. Offer of repair: "I'll fix what I did and make things right." 3. Expression of regret: "I'm really sorry. I feel awful for letting you down."

Impression management. pg 77

impression management—the communication strategies people use to influence how others view them

Interpersonal vs Impersonal communication Interpersonal communication pg 15

interpersonal communication is interaction distinguished by the qualities of uniqueness, interdependence, self disclosure, and intrinsic rewards. 1. The first is uniqueness. 2. The second feature that distinguishes interpersonal communication is interdependence. 3. The third feature is self-disclosure. In impersonal exchanges, we reveal little about ourselves; but in interpersonal exchanges, we often share important thoughts and feelings, 4. The fourth feature has to do with the intrinsic rewards of interacting. Communicators in relationships characterized by impersonal exchanges seek extrinsic rewards—payoffs that have little to do with the people involved.

nonverbal communicatiom

nonverbal communication is "messages expressed by nonlinguistic means." pg 166

influences on perception psychological influences 112

psychological influences mood pg 112: Our emotional state strongly influences how we view people and events and therefore how we communicate self-concept pg 113: Another psychological factor that influences perception is self-concept,. Another study showed that perceiving oneself as funny is related to perceiving others as funny

Chapter 3

1 Self-concept and its characteristics (not innate, subjective, etc.) 2 How the self-concept develops (reflected appraisal, social comparison) 3 The self-fulfilling prophecy 4 Impression management (formally known as "identity management") 5 Self-disclosure 6 Alternatives to self-disclosure (silence, lying, etc.)

Low- context vs high context communication styles pg 43

1. A high-context culture relies heavily on subtle, often nonverbal cues to maintain social harmony. High-context communicators pay close attention to nonverbal behaviors, the history of relationships, and social rules that govern interactions. 2. a low-context culture uses language primarily to ex- press thoughts, feelings, and ideas as directly as possible. To low-context communicators, the meaning of a statement lies in the words spoken.

The self-fulfilling prophecy pg 76

1. A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when a person's expectations of an event, and her or his subsequent behavior based on those expectations, make the outcome more likely to occur 2. 1. Holding an expectation (for yourself or for others) 2. Behaving in accordance with that expectation 3. The expectation coming to pass 4. Reinforcing the original expectation 3. One morning you read your horoscope, which offers the following prediction: "Today you will meet the person of your dreams, and the two of you will live happily ever after." Assuming you believe in horoscopes, what will you do? You'll probably start making plans to go out on the town that night in search of your "dream person." As a result, that person is likely to be impressed and attracted to you—and lo and behold, the two of you end up living happily ever after. Your conclusion? That horoscope sure had it right! On closer examination, the horoscope—which helped create the Stage 1 expectation—really wasn't the key to your success. Although it got the ball rolling, you would still be single if you had stayed home that evening.

Why we form relationships (pg 90)

1. Appearance pg 260: These first impressions can influence secondary ones. For example, when photos rated as attractive accompany online profiles, raters appraise the profile text more positively 2. Similarity pg 261: According to what's known as the similarity thesis, perhaps the strongest determinant of relationship formation is similarity to another person 3. Complementarity pg 262: Differences strengthen a relationship when they are complementary—when each partner's characteristics satisfy the other's needs. 4. Rewards: Some relationships are based on an economic model called social exchange theory (Stafford, 2008; Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). This approach suggests that we seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with the relationship. 5. Competency pg 264: We like to be around talented people, probably because we hope their skills and abilities will rub off on us. 6. Proximity pg 265: As common sense suggests, we are likely to develop relationships with people with whom we interact frequently 7. Disclosure: Sharing private information is a form of respect and trust—a kind of liking that we've already seen increases attractiveness.

Self disclosure Factors Honesty pg 85

1. As long as you are honest and accurate to the best of your knowledge, communication can qualify as an act of self-disclosure. On the other hand, painting an incomplete picture of your- self (telling only part of what's true) is not genuine disclosure.

Impression management Impression Management Is Collaborative pg 79

1. As we perform our multiple identities, our audience is made up of other actors who are trying to create their own characters. Identity-related communication is a kind of improvisation in which our character reacts with others. Good-natured teasing only works if the other person appreciates your humor and responds well.

Characteristics of competent communication. A Large Repertoire of Skills pg21

1. As you've already seen, good communicators don't use the same approach in every situation. They know that sometimes it's best to be blunt and sometimes tactful; that there is a time to speak up and a time to be quiet. Just as a chef draws from a wide range of herbs and spices, a competent communicator can draw from a large array of potential behaviors.

Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators Knowledge and skill

1. Attitude alone isn't enough to guarantee success in intercultural encounters. Communicators need to possess enough knowledge of other cultures to know what approaches are appropriate. The ability to "shift gears" and adapt one's style to the norms of another culture or co-culture is an essential ingredient of communication competence

Conflict management styles examples on page 327-328

1. Avoidance pg 328 (lose lose) : Avoidance occurs when people choose not to confront an issue directly. It can be physical (steering clear of a friend after having an argument) or conversational (changing the topic, joking, or denying that a problem exists). 2. Accommodation pg 329 (Lose-win): Accommodation occurs when we entirely give in to others rather than asserting our own point of view. 3. Competition pg 330 (win-lose): The flip side of accommodation is competition, a win-lose approach to conflict that involves high concern for self and low concern for others. Competition seeks to resolve conflicts "my way." Passive aggression occurs when a communicator expresses dissatisfaction in a disguised manner direct aggression attack the position and dignity of the receiver. 4. Compromise pg 331: A compromise gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. . 5. Collaboration pg 332 (win-win): Collaboration seeks win-win solutions to conflict. It involves a high degree of concern for both self and others, with the goal of solving problems not "my way" or "your way" but "our way." In the best case, collaborating can lead to a win-win outcome, where each person gets what she or he wants. In win-win problem solving, the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved.

Impression management Impression management in social media pg 81

1. For instance, emailers and texters can choose the desired level of clarity or ambiguity, seriousness or humor, logic or emotion in their messages. 2. the asynchronicity of most digital correspondence allows a sender to say difficult things without forcing the receiver to respond immediately, permitting the receiver to ignore a message rather than give an unpleasant response. Options like these show that social media can serve as a tool for impression management at least as well as the face-to-face variety 3. Part of Snapchat's appeal is that it involves less impression management, because its photos vanish after a few seconds. Social media analyst Jean Twenge says this is appealing to teens who think, "If I make a funny face or use one of the filters to make myself look like a dog, it's going to disappear. It won't be something permanent my enemies at school can troll me about" 4. Consider how featuring or withholding the following kinds of information affects how others might regard your online profile: age, personal photo, educational or career accomplishments, sexual orientation, job title, personal interests, personal philosophy and religious beliefs, and organizations to which you belong

Variables in conflict styles

1. Gender(Pg 341): Some research suggests that men and women often approach conflicts differently 2. Culture (pg 343): People from most cultures prefer mutually beneficial resolutions to disagreements whenever possible

Hofstede's value dimensions Uncertainty and Avoidance

1. Hofstede (2011) uses the term uncertainty avoidance to reflect the levels of discomfort or threat people feel in response to ambiguous situations and how much they try to avoid them. He developed an uncertainty avoidance index (UAI) to measure these levels. 2. In cultures with high uncertainty avoidance, deviant people and ideas are generally considered dangerous, and intolerance and ethnocentrism are high

Characteristics of competent communication. Ability to Perform Skillfully pg 22

1. In communication, as in other activities, practice is the key to skillful performance.

Face to face impression management pg 80

1. In face-to-face interaction, communicators can manage their front in three ways: manner, appearance, and setting. Manner consists of a communicator's words and nonverbal actions. 2. A second dimension of impression management is appearance—the personal items people use to shape an image.Sometimes clothing is part of creating a professional image. A physician's white lab coat and a police officer's uniform set the wearer apart as someone special. 3. setting— physical items we use to influence how others view us. A sporty convertible or fancy imported sedan doesn't just get drivers from one place to another; it also makes statements about the kind of people they are. The physical setting we choose and the way we arrange it are other important ways to manage impressions. How do you decorate your living space?

Impression management and honesty pg 83

1. Is it sometimes wise to use false names and information on the internet for your protection and security? Situations like these suggest that managing impressions doesn't necessarily make you a liar. In fact, it is almost impossible to imagine how we could communicate effectively without making decisions about which front to present in one situation or another. 2. Consider ethical dilemmas. Consider the line where things can be seen as lying.

guidelines of self disclosure pg 91

1. Is the Other Person Important to You? pg 91 2. Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable? pg 92 3. Is the Self-Disclosure Appropriate? 4. Is the Disclosure Reciprocated? 5. Will the Effect Be Constructive?

Impression management. Characteristics of impression management We Strive to Construct Multiple Identities pg 79

1. It is an oversimplification to suggest we use impression management strategies to create just one identity. In the course of even a single day, most people play a variety of roles: "respectful student," "joking friend," "kind neighbor," and "helpful worker," 2. Each of us constructs multiple identities, many of which may be independent or even conflicting (Spears, 2001). 3.

Features of language

1. Language is symbolic pg 136: Words are arbitrary symbols that have no meaning in themselves. For example, the word five is a kind of code that represents the number of fingers on your hand only because we agree that it does. 2. Language is rule-governed pg 137: The linguistic agreements that make communication possible can be codified in rules. Languages contain several types of rules that continuously evolve Phonological rules govern how sounds are combined to form words. Syntactic rules govern the way symbols can be arranged. Semantic rules govern the meaning of language as opposed to its structure. (pg 138) 3. Language is subjective (pg 139):If the rules of language were more precise and if everyone followed them, we would suffer from fewer misunderstandings. You have an hour-long argument about "feminism" only to discover that you each were using the term in different ways and that you really were in basic agreement. 4. Language and worldview (139): For instance, bilingual speakers seem to think differently when they change languages

Chapter 2 Culture and Interpersonal Communication

1. Low-context vs. high-context communication style 2. Hofstede's value dimensions (individualism, power distance, etc.) 3. Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators (open-mindedness, etc.)

Impression Management Impression Management Can Be Deliberate or Unconscious pg 79

1. Most job interviews and first dates are clear examples of deliberate impression management. But in other cases we unconsciously act in ways that are performances for others. 2. When they are speaking over the phone and their reactions cannot be seen, they do not make the same expressions (Chovil, 1991). Studies such as these suggest that much of our behavior is aimed at sending messages to others—in other words, impression management. 3.

Communication competence Principals of communication competence pg 19

1. Most scholars agree that communication competence is the ability to achieve goals in a manner both effective and appropriate 2. To understand these two dimensions, consider how you might handle everyday communication challenges such as declining an unwanted invitation or asking a friend to stop an annoying behavior. In cases such as these, effective communication would get the results you want. Appropriate communication would do so in a way that, in most cases, enhances the relationship in which it occurs.

CHARACTERISTICS OF NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

1. Nonverbal communication is always occurring pg 167: Some theorists suggest that all nonverbal behavior communicates information. They argue that it is impossible not to communicate. Even if you closed your eyes or left the room, these behaviors would communicate messages that mean you're avoiding contact. 2. Nonverbal communication is primarily relational pg 168: Some nonverbal messages serve practical functions, such as when a police officer directs the flow of traffic. But nonverbal communication also serves in a far more common (and more interesting) series of social functions. Nonverbal communication allows us to demonstrate the kind of relationships we have—or want to have—with others 3. Nonverbal communication is ambiguous pg 169: Most nonverbal behavior has the potential to be even more ambiguous than verbal statements such as these. To understand why, consider how you would interpret silence from your companion during an evening together. Think of all the possible meanings of this nonverbal behavior: warmth, anger, preoccupation, boredom, nervousness, thoughtfulness—the possibilities are many. 4. Nonverbal communication occurs in mediated messages pg 170: Not all mediated communication is verbal. Video calls obviously provide nonverbal information, as do photos on social networking sites. Even text based digital communication has nonverbal features. The most obvious way to represent nonverbal expressions in type is with emoticons, using keyboard characters such as :-) for a smile or :-O to express surprise. 5. Nonverbal communication is influenced by culture and gender pg 170: Remember, however, that some emblems—such as the thumbs-up gesture—vary from one culture to another. It means "Good job!" in the United States, the number 1 in Germany, and the number 5 in Japan.

Self Concept and its characteristics A Healthy Self-Concept Is Flexible pg 74

1. People change. Shy children might turn into outgoing adults. Moody teenagers can become upbeat professionals. People also change from context to context. You might be a relaxed conversationalist with people you know but at a loss for words with strangers. 2. It's helpful for communicators to take stock of themselves now and then and acknowledge changes to their self-concept. But that's not always easy, as we'll see.

Hofstede's value dimensions

1. Power distance 2. Uncertainty avoidance 3. Individualism/collectivism 4. Masculinity/femininity

forms of nonverbal behavior distance pg 184

1. Proxemics is the study of how communication is affected by the use, organization, and perception of space and distance. Edward Hall (1969) found four, each of which reflects a different way we feel toward others at a given time. 2. intimate distance pg 185: intimate distance, begins with skin contact and ranges out to about 18 inches. 3. personal distance pg 185: personal distance, ranges from 18 inches at its closest point to 4 feet at its farthest 4. social distance pg 186: social distance, which ranges from 4 to about 12 feet out. 5. public distance: Public distance is Hall's term for the farthest zone, running outward from 12 feet. The closer range of public distance is the one that most teachers use in the classroom. In the farther reaches of public space—25 feet and beyond—two-way communication is almost impossible.

poor listening habits

1. Pseudolistening is pretending to pay attention. pg 204 2. Stage hogging is expressing your own ideas without inviting others to share theirs. 3. Selective listening is responding only to the parts of a speaker's remarks that interest you 4. Filling in gaps is manufacturing information that wasn't part of an original story or message. 5. Insulated listening is almost the opposite of selective listening. Instead of focusing only on topics of interest, these listeners tune out any topics they'd rather not deal with. 6. Defensive listening is taking innocent comments as personal attacks. 7. Ambushing is listening carefully only to collect information for use in attacking the speaker.

Characteristics of competent communication. Self-Monitoring pg 23

1. Psychologists use the term self-monitoring to describe the process of paying close attention to one's own behavior and using these observations to shape it. 2. Self-monitors are able to consider their behavior from a detached viewpoint, allowing for observations such as: "I'm making a fool out of myself."

Guidelines for expressing emotions

1. Recognize your feelings pg 238: Beyond being aware of one's feelings, research shows that it's valuable to be able to specifically identify one's emotions. 2. Choose the best language pg 239: Most people suffer from impoverished emotional vocabularies. Ask them how they're feeling and the response will almost always include the same terms: good or bad, terrible or great, and so on. 3. Share multiple feelings pg 241: Despite it being commonplace to experience several emotions at the same time (Carofiglio et al., 2008), we often communicate only one feeling—usually, the most negative one. 4. Recognize the difference between feeling and acting pg 242: More to the point of this book, researchers have discovered that people who deal with negative feelings by venting them indiscriminately have above-average levels of anxiety in their interpersonal relationships 5. Accept responsibility for your feelings: People don't make us like or dislike them, and believing that they do denies the responsibility each of us has for our own emotions. It's important to make sure that your emotional expressions don't blame others for the way you feel 6. Choose the best time and place to express your feelings: Even after you've waited for your initial emotion to subside, it's still important to choose the time that's best suited to the message. Being rushed or tired or disturbed by some other matter is probably a good reason for postponing the expression of your feeling.

Risks of Self-Disclosure pg 90

1. Rejection: pg 90 The fear of disapproval is powerful. 2. Negative Impression Even if disclosure doesn't lead to total rejection, it can create a negative impression: 3. Decrease in Relational Satisfaction pg 91: disclosure can lead to a decrease in the satisfaction that comes from a relationship. 4. Loss of Influence: Once you confess a secret weakness, your control over how the other person views you can be diminished: 5. Loss of Control: Revealing something personal about yourself means losing control of the information. 6. Hurting the Other Person Even if revealing hidden information leaves you feeling better, it might hurt or upset others.

Communication Competence Competence Can Be Learned pg 20

1. Research suggests that certain personality traits predispose people toward particular competence skills For instance, those who are agreeable and conscientious by nature find it easier to be appropriate and harder to be (and become) assertive and effective. 2. We learn from our own successes and failures, as well as from observing other models—both positive and negative.

Chapter 5 Language

Language - Chp. 5 Features of language (symbolic, ambiguous) Linguistic relativity (also known as "linguistic relativism") "It," "But," "You," "I," and "We" statements.

Perceptual tendencies

1. We make Snap judgments pg 119: Our ancestors often had to make quick judgments about whether strangers were likely to be dangerous, and there are still times when this ability can be a survival skill 2. We cling to first impressions pg 120: This is due in part to what social scientists call the primacy effect: our tendency to pay more attention to, and to better recall, things that happen first in a sequence 3. WE JUDGE OURSELVES MORE CHARITABLY THAN WE DO OTHERS pg 121: fundamental attribution error: the tendency to give more weight to personal qualities than to the situation when making attributions self-serving bias means that when we perform poorly, we usually blame external force and when we perform well, we credit ourselves rather than the situation 4. we are influenced by our expectations pg 122: Suppose you took a class and were told in advance that the instructor was terrific. Would this expectation affect the way you perceived the teacher? 5. we are influenced by the obvious pg 123: When two children (or adults, for that matter) fight, it may be a mis- take to blame the one who lashes out loudest. Perhaps the other one was at least equally responsible, teasing or refusing to cooperate. 6. we assume others are like us: pg 124 You've heard a slightly raunchy joke that you found funny. You assume that it won't offend a friend. It does.

Characteristics of competent intercultural communicators Tolerance for ambiguity

1. When we encounter communicators from different cultures, the level of uncertainty is especially high. Consider the basic challenge of communicating in an unfamiliar language. 2. Competent intercultural communicators accept—even welcome—this kind of ambiguity.

Communication Competence Competence Is Situational pg 20

1. You and the people you know are probably quite competent in some areas and less so in others. For example, you might deal quite skillfully with peers while feeling clumsy interacting with people much older or younger, wealthier or poorer, or more or less attractive than yourself. In fact, your competence may vary from situation to situation.

Characteristics of competent communication. Adaptability pg 21

1. a competent communicator needs adaptability, selecting appropriate responses for each situation—and for each recipient. 2. As an example, one study (Stephens et al., 2009) found that professors negatively appraised students who sent emails that included casual text language (such as "4" instead of "for" or "RU" instead of "are you"). These students didn't adapt their message to an appropriate level of professional formality.

functions of nonverbal communication

1. creating and maintaining relationships pg 172: Nonverbal behavior plays an important role during every relational stage. 2. regulating interaction pg 173: Three signals that indicate a speaker has finished talking and is ready to yield to a listener are (1) changes in vocal intonation—a rising or falling in pitch at the end of a clause, (2) a drawl on the last syllable or the stressed syllable in a clause, and (3) a drop in vocal pitch or loudness when speaking a common expression such as "you know." Eye contact is another way of regulating verbal communication 3. influencing others pg 175: How we look, act, and sound can be more important in meeting our goals than the words we speak. The influence of nonverbal behavior comes in many forms. It can capture attention, show or increase liking, generate power, and boost credibility 4. influencing ourselves pg 175: If you're happy, you smile; if you're interested, you make eye contact; if you're depressed, you slump. 5. concealing/deceiving pg 175: We may value and honor the truth, but many of the messages we exchange are not completely truthful. Sometimes we keep silent, sometimes we hedge, and sometimes we downright lie. 6. managing impressions pg 177: For example, you might dress fashionably, smile a lot, and perhaps try to strike a relaxed pose.

forms of nonverbal behavior kinesis (body movement) pg 178 A primary way we communicate nonverbally is through the physical movement of our bodies: our posture, gestures, eye contact, facial expressions, and so on.

1. face and eyes (pg 178): The face and eyes are probably the most noticeable parts of the body. However, the nonverbal messages they send are not always the easiest to read. For example, researchers have found that there are at least 8 distinguishable positions of the eyebrows and forehead, 8 more of the eyes and lids, and 10 for the lower face 2. Posture and gestures (pg 180) By paying attention to the postures of those around you, as well as to your own, you'll find another channel of nonverbal communication that reveals how people feel about themselves and others.

influences on emotional expression

1. personality (pg 232): Science has established an increasingly clear relationship between personality and the way people experience and communicate emotions 2. culture (233): Although people around the world experience the same emotions, the same events can generate quite different feelings in different cultures. The notion of eating snails might bring a smile of delight to some residents of France, although it would cause many North Americans to grimace in disgust. 3. gender pg 234: Even within a culture, gender roles often shape the ways in which men and women experience and express their emotions 4. social conventions and roles (pg 235): In mainstream U.S. society, the unwritten rules of communication discourage the direct verbal expression of most emotions (Durik et al.,2006). Count the number of genuine emotional expressions you hear over a 2- or 3-day period ("I'm angry"; "I feel embarrassed") and you'll discover that such expressions are rare. 5. social media (pg 235): Communicators generally express more emotion online than they do in person 6. emotional contagion (pg 237) : Emotions can spread from one person to another through a process known as emotional contagion

benefits and risks of self-disclosure pg 88-90

1. pg 88 Catharsis: Sometimes you might disclose information in an effort to "get it off your chest." 2. pg 89 Self-Clarification: It is often possible to clarify your beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, and feelings by talking about them with another person. 3. Self-Validation: If you disclose information with the hope of seeking the listener's agreement 4.Reciprocity: one person's act of self-disclosure increases the odds that the other person will reveal personal information 5. Impression Formation: Sometimes we reveal personal information to make ourselves more attractive, 6. Relationship Maintenance and Enhancement: Appropriate self-disclosure is positively related to marital satisfaction 7. pg 90 Moral Obligation: Sometimes we disclose personal information out of a sense of moral obligation. People who are HIV-positive, for example, are often faced with the choice of whether they should tell their health care providers and their partner.

How self concept develops Reflected Appraisal pg 71

1. reflected appraisal: a mirroring of others' judgments 2. In part, your self-concept is a reflection of the messages you've received throughout your life—both in person and via social media 3.

influences on perception social influences

1. sex and gender roles pg 113: A large body of research shows that men and women perceive the world differently, for reasons ranging from genes to neurology to hormones 2. occupational roles pg 115 : The kind of work we do also governs our view of the world. And if you've ever been promoted to manager at your place of work, you know that it typically changes your perceptions of, and behavior toward, coworkers who are now under your supervision. 3. relational roles pg 116: Think back to the "Who am I?" list you made in Chapter 3. It's likely your list included roles you play in relation to others: You may be a daughter, roommate, spouse, friend, and so on. Roles like these don't just define who you are—they also affect your perception.Take for example the role of parent. As most new mothers and fathers will attest, having a child alters the way they see the world.

forms of nonverbal behavior

1. territoriality pg 187 : After each table was occupied by one reader, new readers would choose a seat on the opposite side and at the far end 2. time: Social scientists use the term chronemics to describe the study of how humans use and structure time. monochronic, emphasizing punctuality, schedules, and completing one task at a time polychronic, with flexible schedules in which multiple tasks are pursued at the same time. 3. physical attractiveness pg 188: More recently, social scientists measured the degree to which physical attractiveness affects interaction between people 4. clothing (pg 189) : It's a way for some to strategically hide "problem areas" and accentuate "assets" 5. physical environment pg 189: For example, a study of 10 urban neighborhoods examined the sidewalks, presence of front porches, traffic-calming devices, bars on windows, and the presence of litter or graffiti.

How self concept develops Social Comparison pg 72

1. we form our self image by the process of social comparison: evaluating ourselves in comparison with others 2. We decide whether we are superior or inferior (which influences our self-esteem) and similar or different (which influences our self-concept) by comparing ourselves to what social scientists call reference groups—others against whom we evaluate

"but" statements pg 153

But has the effect of canceling the thought that precedes it

Chapter 6: Nonverbal Communication

Characteristics of nonverbal communication (relational, etc.) Functions of nonverbal communication (regulates interaction, etc.) Forms of nonverbal behavior (kinesics, haptics, etc.)

clothing (expanded)

Clothing conveys a variety of messages to others (Howlett et al., 2013), including the following: 1. Economic level 2. Education level 3. Trustworthiness 4. Social position 5. Level of sophistication 6. Economic background 7. Social background 8. Educational background 9. Level of success 10. Moral character

experiencing empathy pg 127

In fact, it's hardest to empathize with people who are radically different from us in categories such as age, sex, and socioeconomic status (Goleman, 2013). To make such perceptual leaps, you need to develop open-mindedness, imagination, and commitment. empathy is less an inborn trait, like height, than a learnable skill, like playing chess.

Hofstede's value dimensions Individualism

Individualism Members of an individualistic culture view their primary responsibility as helping themselves, whereas communicators in collectivistic cultures feel loyalties and obligations to in-groups: extended family, the community, or even organizations

Interpersonal vs Impersonal communication

Interpersonal communication relies on creating and keeping relationships. (friendships, relationships) Impersonal communication is transactional (sales clerk, drive thru operator)

Interpersonal vs Impersonal communication

Interpersonal: -Make predictions based on information about the other person -Use knowledge of the other as a unique person for the basis for the interaction Impersonal: -Make guesses about the conversation based on norms -Respond to their roles rather than who they are

facilitative and debilitative emotions ch 8

It's important to distinguish facilitative emotions, which contribute to effective functioning, from debilitative emotions, which hinder or prevent effective performance. (pg 244) Positive emotions such as joy and love are obviously facilitative. Much of the time, emotions such as anger or fear are debilitative. In the same way, staying angry at someone for a wrong inflicted long ago can be just as punishing to the grudge holder as to the wrongdoer (Bushman et al., 2005). Social scientists call this rumination—recurrent thoughts not demanded by the immediate environment.

influences on perception physiological influences

Physiological influences: (ph 110) Sometimes differing perspectives come from our physical environment and the ways that our bodies differ from others. 1. senses pg 110: The differences in how each of us sees, hears, tastes, touches, and smells stimuli can affect interpersonal relationships (Croy et al., 2013). 2. age pg 111: We experience the world differently throughout our lifetimes. Age alters not just our bodies but our perspectives. 3. health : Recall the last time you came down with a cold, flu, or some other ailment. Health can have a strong impact on how you perceive and relate to others. 4. biological cycles: Each of us has a daily cycle in which all sorts of changes constantly occur, including variations in body temperature, sexual drive, alertness, and tolerance to stress (Koukkari & Sothern, 2006) and to pain (Jankowski, 2013). These cycles can affect the way we relate to each other. For example, you are probably better off avoiding prickly topics in the morning with someone who is not a "morning person." hunger: Although the exact nature of the causes and effects in this study is hard to pin down, one thing is clear: Hunger can affect our perception and communication. 5. Neurobehavioral Challenges pg 112: Some differences in perception are rooted in neurology. For instance, people with ADHD(attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) are easily distracted from tasks and have difficulty delaying gratification

Hofstede's value dimensions

Power distance Uncertainty avoidance Individualism and collectivism Masculinity and femininity

Self Concept and its characteristics The Self-Concept Is Subjective pg 74

Self-evaluations can be distorted for several reasons: 1. Obsolete information. The effects of past failures in school or social relations can linger long after they have occurred, even though such events don't predict failure in the future. Likewise, your past successes don't guarantee future success. 2. Distorted feedback. The remarks of overly critical parents, cruel classmates, uncaring teachers, excessively demanding employers, or even rude strangers can have a lasting effect. Other distorted messages are unrealistically positive. 3. Perfectionism. From the time most of us learn to understand language,we are exposed to models who appear to be perfect. The implicit message is "A well-adjusted, successful person has no faults." The naive belief in perfection—either our own or others'—can distort the self-concept. 4. Social expectations. Curiously, our perfectionist society generally rewards those who downplay their strengths. We usually consider those who show off their strengths to be braggarts or egotists, confusing them with people who boast about accomplishments they do not possess (Miller et al., 1992). This convention leads many people to talk freely about (and dwell on) their shortcomings while downplaying their accomplishments.

Alternatives to self-disclosure page 93

Silence pg 94 lying pg 95 equivocation pg 96 hinting pg 97 ethics of evasion

forms of nonverbal behavior voice pg 182

Social scientists use the term paralanguage to describe the way a message is spoken. In essence, paralanguage is not so much about what you say, but how you say it.

forms of nonverbal behavior haptics (touch) pg 181 Social scientists use the term haptics to distinguish the study of touching

Some of the most pronounced benefits of touching occur in medicine and the health and helping professions.

empathy and ethics pg 129

The "golden rule" of treating others as we want to be treated points to the clear relationship between empathy and the ethical principles that enable society to function Typically, people who have committed the most offensive crimes against others, such as rape and child abuse, do not express any sense of how their actions affected the victims

Hofstede's value dimensions Power Distance

The principle that "all men [and women] are created equal," as embodied in the U.S. Declaration of Independence, is so fundamental that most members of democratic societies accept it without question. However, not all cultures share this belief. Some operate on the assumption that certain groups of people (an aristocracy or an economic class, for example) and some institutions (such as a church or the government) have the right to control the lives of individuals. Geert Hofstede (1984, 2011) coined the term power distance to describe the degree to which members of a society accept an unequal distribution of power.

Relational transgression & strategies for relational repair

Types of Relational Transgressions pg 284 1. Minor Versus Significant pg 284: a little distance can make the heart grow fonder, a little jealousy can be a sign of affection, and a little anger can start the process of resolving a gripe. In large and regular doses, however, these acts become serious transgressions that can damage personal relationships. 2. Social Versus Relational pg 285: Some transgressions violate social rules shared by society at large. For example, almost everyone would agree that ridiculing or humiliating a friend or family member in public is a violation of a fundamental social rule 3. Deliberate Versus Unintentional Some transgressions are unintentional. You might reveal something about a friend's past without realizing that this disclosure would be embarrassing. 4. One-time Versus Incremental The most obvious transgressions occur in a single episode: an act of betrayal, a verbal assault, or walking out in anger. But more subtle transgressions can occur over time.

Self disclosure definition final definition pg 87 108

We can summarize our definitional tour by saying that self-disclosure (1) has the self as subject, (2) is intentional, (3) is directed at another person, (4) is honest, (5) is revealing, (6) contains information generally unavailable from other sources, and (7) gains much of its intimate nature from the context in which it is expressed.

Characteristics of competent communication. Empathy/Perspective Taking pg 22

We develop the most effective messages when we understand and empathize with the other person's point of view (Nelson et al., 2017). Empathy, or perspective taking (explained in Chapter 4), is an essential skill partly because others may not express their thoughts and feel- ings clearly. And of course, it's not enough just to imagine another's perspective; it's vital to communicate that understanding through verbal and nonverbal responses

Self Disclosure Depth Honesty Availability of information Context of sharing pg 84/85

What is self disclosure? 1. If every verbal and nonverbal behavior in which you engage is self revealing, how can self-disclosure be distinguished from any other act of communication? Psychologist Paul Cozby (1973) offers an answer. He suggests that for a communication act to be considered self-disclosing, (1) it must contain personal information about the sender, (2) the sender must communicate this information verbally, and (3) another person must be the target. Put differently, the subject of self-disclosing communication is the self, and information about the self is purposefully communicated to another person.

INFLUENCES ON PERCEPTION access to information page 110

When new information becomes available, perceptions of others change. If you see your instructor only when she's teaching in the classroom, your conclusions about her will be based solely on her behaviors in that role. You might change your perception if you observe her in the roles of rush-hour driver, concertgoer, or grocery shopper.

Chapter 9

Why we form relationships (appearance, similarity thesis, etc.) Knapp's model of relational stages (initiating, experimenting, etc.) Internal dialectical tensions (connection-autonomy, predictability-novelty, etc.) Relational transgression & strategies for relational repair (talk about the violation, etc.)

Listening Obstacles

recognizing barriers to listening 1. information overload pg202: The sheer amount of information most of us encounter every day makes it impossible to listen carefully to everything we hear. 2. personal concerns : A second reason we don't always listen carefully is that we're often wrapped up in personal concerns of more immediate importance to us than the messages others are sending 3. rapid thought: Therefore, we have a lot of "spare time" to spend with our minds while someone is talking. The temptation is to use this time in ways that don't relate to the speaker's ideas, (203) 4. noise (203): The sounds of other conversations, traffic, and music, as well as the kinds of psychological noise discussed in Chapter 1, all interfere with our ability to listen well.

Self concept

self-concept: the relatively stable set of perceptions you hold of yourself.

Knapp's model of relational stages pg 266

stages 1 . pg 267 the initiating stage are to show that you are interested in making contact and to demonstrate that you are a person worth talking to 2. experimenting, the search for common ground.The hallmark of experimenting is small talk. We tolerate the ordeal of small talk because it serves several functions. 3. intensifying pg 268: communicators increase their amount of contact and the breadth and depth of their self-disclosure. In friendships, intensifying often includes spending more time together, participating in shared activities, hanging out with mutual friends, or taking trips together 4. integrating stage pg 269; they begin to take on an identity as a social unit. Invitations begin to come addressed to a couple. Social circles merge. couple—jogging together, eating at a favorite restaurant, expressing physical affection, and worshipping together 5. During the bonding stage pg 270: partners make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists and that a commitment has been made (Foster, 2008). These can include engagement or marriage, sharing a residence, a public ceremony, or a written or verbal pledge. The key is that bonding is the culmination of a developed relationship—the "officializing" of a couple's integration. (peak of a romantic relationship!!) 6. differentiating.- This transition often shows up in a couple's pronoun usage. Instead of talking about "our" weekend plans, differentiating conversations focus on what "I" want to do. Relational issues that were once agreed on (such as "You'll be the breadwinner and I'll manage the home") now become points of contention. The key to successful differentiation is maintaining commitment to a relationship while also creating the space for being individuals 7. circumscribing stage pg 271: partners reduce the scope of their contact with each other. Distinctions that emerged in the differentiating stage become more clearly marked and labeled: "my friends" and "your friends"; "my bank account" and "your bank account"; 8.The stagnating relationship : is a shell of its former self. Members behave toward each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling. No growth occurs; relational boredom sets in 9. avoiding: When stagnation becomes too unpleasant, people in a relationship begin to create distance between each other by avoiding. 10. terminating pg 272; Not all relationships end. Partnerships, friendships, and marriages can last for a lifetime once they're established. But many do deteriorate and reach the final stage, terminating, The relationship may end with a cordial dinner, a note left on the kitchen table, a phone call, a text, or a legal document stating the dissolution.