COM-312 Ch. 10: Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Forgiveness - textbook definition

"forgiveness is giving ups he idea of a better past"; granting of pardon and decision to transcend resentment toward the transgressor; facing emotions is part of the forgiving process; a relational process when harmful conduct is acknowledged by one or both parties...

an effective apology:

-an acknowledgement of harm w/o justification -accepting responsibility -expressing regret -possible reparations -proposed changes -affirming shaped values -explanation (if asked)

advice from kupuna couples

-forgiveness is acknowledging wrongdoing -sincerity -address emotions -forgive and remember -use time to resemble emotions, forgive, and do conflict in a timely way -focus on the Lord -revisit rules

3-step model of forgiveness (Layton, 1999)

1. INJURED INNOCENCE (everything we believe about life suddenly seems questionable) 2. OBSESSION (replay things that were done to us, words we heard, all impacts/details of suffering, feeling that it defines us) 3. TRANSCENDENCE (no longer contend w/ shock of realizing #1, no longer feel #2, come to believe despite everything

ways of getting stuck (eddy)

1. resentment and revenge 2. depression and withdrawal 3. victimization (become what has happened to them)

communicating forgiveness

DETECTING- asking, not venting or involving 3rd party SEEKING- explicitly, compensating, implicit (nonverbal), humor (implicit and verbal), explaining why (acknowledging) GRANTING- implicit= back to norms, conditional, discussing, minimizing RECONCILIATION

forgiveness is not...

PARDONING- setting aside justice/mercy FORGETTING CONDONING, EXCUSING, DENYING- seeing the person negatively, no longer perceiving the moral infraction, making it irrelevant RECONCILIATION- does not obligate one to reconciliation nor necessitate it THE SOLE BENEFIT OF THE HARMED PERSON

transgressions

anything that violates a relational covenant

types of apologies

compelled (offered w/o adequate understanding of full effect of one's actions, conditional, expedient (quick), delayed/surrogate (3rd party)

types of forgiveness

conditional & unconditional

distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation:

crucial when there is a serious imbalance of power between parties (higher power expects lower power to forgive)

relational context

examples: family, friends, acquaintances, strangers

T/F negotiation is similar in all cultures, so once you've learned what's negotiable in one culture, you'll be ready for other cultures

false

*types of hurtful messages

Evaluations/judgements= "I knew you couldn't do it accusation= "you're a liar") orders/commands= "get it done now!" advice= "I suggest you..." preference/comparison= "I wish you were more like him" disclosure of info= "we decided you are not needed" judgement disguised as a question/opinion= "when are you going to quit feeling sorry for yourself?" threat= "if I ever see you with her again..." lie= "I told you I'd quit drinking" Blunders (Metts, 1994)= "How's your wife?" and not knowing the person is divorced Group reference (Metts, 1994)= "well, what did you expect from a white guy?"

"I'll never do it again," ineffective or effective?

INEFFECTIVE

characteristics of forgiveness

acknowledging the truth about what has happened, acknowledgement of harmful conduct, extension of undeserved mercy, emotional transformation, relationship renegotiation

to reconcile:

agreement on violation, acknowledge pain, apology for the hurt and pain caused

quality of relationship

more relational satisfaction = more likely to forgive, intimacy level matters, forgiveness builds trust

getting stuck

resenting it, victimization (elicit sympathy), depression or withdrawal (stuck/making safe space

implied forgiveness (implicit)

statements/behaviors communicate either no transgression was committed or transgression was so minor that there's no consequence, can be communicated by tone of voice, gentleness in stressful situations, an inclination to humor, light mood, face-saving behaviors, willing to engage/interact

Reconciliation

the process of re-establishing the relationship, renewing trust, and settling differences so that cooperation and a sense of harmony are restored