Communication Final Exam Evan Griffin

principle 2: in relationships, power often follows the principle of less interest

- person who holds power is the one less interested in and less dependent upon the rewards and punishments controlled by the other person - the more a person needs a relationship, the less powerful they are in that relationship

passion

- physical attraction and emotional arousal, including sexuality - the "hot" component of love

key research questions addressed by the palo alto group

"why do dysfunctional patterns of relating and behaving seem to be so hard to change within families?" - answered by focusing on cycles of interactions between family members

combinations of components of love model

(clockwise) 1. liking intimacy: intimacy alone 2. companionate love: intimacy + commit. 3. commit. empty love: commit alone 4. fatuous love: passion + commit 5. passion infatuation: passion alone 6. romantic love: intimacy + passion

key areas to help apprentices develop in

(clockwise, very left to right) 1. character: who we are 2. knowledge: what we know (generalist, specialist, experiential) 3. vision: what we see 4. skills: what we can do

Mark Knapp's Relational stages

(coming together) 1. initiating 2. experimenting 3. intensifying 4. integrating 5. bonding (coming apart) 6. differentiating 7. circumscribing 8. stagnating 9. avoiding 10. terminating

stage 10: terminating

- relational bonds between partner broken - each/both partner go public with split and begin restructuring life as autonomous persons, including disentangling one's social network - go back to single labels and individual self- references

stage 7: circumscribing

- shrinking of interest and commitment, opposite of integrating stage - share less time and physical contact - small talk, fewer disclosures - conflicts increase and harder to resolve or go unresolved - mental, physical, and avoidance withdrawal

stage 5: bonding

- significant measure of public commitment, the public display and declaration of exclusivity - engagement, marriage, sharing a residence, etc. - the culmination of a developed relationship - the "officializing" - peak of "coming together"

intimacy

- the closeness and connectedness one feels in a relationship - warmth, liking, mutual accessibility and trust - the "warm" component of love

conversation orientation

- the degree of openess a family has in discussing a range of topics - families high in this, interact freely, often, and spontaneously - encouraged to discuss a variety of issues and to voice their opinions, vice versa

conformity orientation

- the degree to which a family enforces uniformity of attitudes, values, and beliefs - high conformity: fans manage comm. in order to seek harmony and agreement, avoid conflict, foster interdependence, and gain obedience. - often hierarchical, w clear sense that some members have more authority than others, - low conformity: individuality, equality, and independence. tend toward less harmony and more conflict interaction as the freedom, interests, and growth of each individual are more important than a sense of agreement or uniformity in the family as a whole

competing's aggressions: passive

- "crazy making" - when a communicator expresses hostility in a obscure or manipulative way, usually while maintaining the front of kindness - ex: sarcasm, guilt making, gunneysacking (bringing up pas offenses to fuel fire) - seldom has anything but harmful affects on relationship

compromise

- partial lose- lose (i, you) - ppl settle when it seems partial satisfaction is best they can hope for

the magic ratio

- the number of positive to negative communicative acts - 5:1, five times as many positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying compliments, etc.) as negative ones, they are likely to have happy and successful relationships - easier for avoidant couples to keep neg number low as it is for volatile to keep positive number high

commitment

- the rational, volitional side of love involving decisions to maintain relationship over time - the "cool" component of love

2 key ways to metacommunicate

1. provide feedforward messages to help others know how to prepare themselves for your upcoming messages 2. try to identify and clarify the communication patterns playing out between you and your partner that could generate misunderstanding or conflict

initiating opening references

1. self references: "Hi I'm frickboy mcghee!" 2. other references: "i love your coat" 3. relational references: "may i join you?" 4. context references: "i love the layout of this room"

2 theories of reward

1. social exchange theory 2. equity theory

3 conflict styles in stable marriages

1. volatile 2. avoidance 3. validating

cost cutting

one gets what they want and then reduces the other's pain - ex: chris gets ppt but pays more and pat pays less

non- specific compensation

one gets what they want and then repays the other in unrelated coin - ex: "if you do this for me, then i'll do that for you"

stonewalling

one/both shut down and withdraw from the conflict, most destructive bc eliminates the poss of repairing the damage done

when to choose the most appropriate conflict style

page 123, look at it

conflict broken down: "scarce resources"

people believe there isn't enough of something to go around- time, money, attention

defensiveness

protecting one's presenting self by denying responsibility and counterattacking, refusing to listen to or acknowledge other's concerns which leads to hostility and escalating negativity

alternation

pursuing one extreme now, the other extreme later (in other words, alternating over time)

mobile ill: rules

- accomplish key functions within fam system - we learn what topics we can and cannot talk about outside of family - which emotions are okay to express - the extent we depend on family members - learn how to fight/have conflict within fam - how to manage territory - which rule- violations are overlooked

intrapersonal repair

- analyze problems and consider strategies to improve things - changing behaviors and/or expectations of partner - reevaluate rewards of continuing vs. ending relationship

stage 1: initiating

- become aware of the other - awareness gives way to nonverbal and verbal cues being exchanged - goals are to show you are interested in the other person and showing them you are someone worth talking to - first impressions begin forming immediantely

attachment theory

- children develop bonds w family insecure. insecure attachment in childhood leads to adults who are anxious about new relationships , uncomfortable w intimacy, worried about losing relationships and vice versa

stage 2: experimenting

- determining whether we are interested in pursuing the relationship further - involves uncertainty reduction: the process of getting to know others by gaining more info about them, searching for common ground, conversational basics - known for small talk - small talk serves these functions: 1. useful in discovering interests shared 2. provides a way to audition the other person 3. safe way to ease into a relationship

interpersonal repair

- discuss problems and poss solutions w partner and changes you want to see - negotiate new agreements, behaviors, ways of seeing the relationship - might seek outside help or advice

gottman's research on the apocalypse horsemen

- emotional comm during conflict can accurately predict likelihood of divorce - emotional content of couple's conflict convo could predict, with 82.6% accuracy, the likelihood of divorce over a 4 yr period

stage 4: integrating

- establish a personal, relational commitment - quality and quantity of interpersonal exchanges increases - talk more about the relationship - share each other's social networks - relational satisfaction is high - become one unit, a pair - partners take on each other's commitments

stage 8: stagnating

- excitement is gone - novelty has completely worn off, relationship feels stale - no growth occurs, relational boredom - growing discontentment, feeling trapped or confined

consensual families

- high in conversation orientation and conformity orientation. - comm reflects the tension between press to agree & preserve the hierarchy of authority and an interest in open comm. and exploration - decision rests w those in authority (mom and dad), but free to make case and opinion

pluralistic families

- high in conversation orientation and low in conformity - comm is open and unrestrained - no open discussion about decisions, hoped individual family members will be influenced by the overall conversation when making their own individual decisions

avoidance

- ignore issues rather than confront them - view most agreements as minor, steer clear of sensitive topics - handle conflicts quickly and dispassionately - conflicts tend to resolve either by picking one side or going their own way (agree to disagree)

stage 9: avoiding

- indirectly and directly create physical distance between each other - growing despair regarding the future relationship - declining motivation to work at it

volatile

- intense heated arguments - raise voices, compete to hold floor, don't listen well - yell and scream one moment, then laugh the next - don't tend to control their emotions - seen as contests to be won - good seems to outweigh the bad

avoiding

- lose- lose - ppl non assertively ignore/stay away from conflict - physical withdrawal, conversational withdrawal - keeps peace temporarily but leads to unsatisfying relationships

accommodating

- lose- win (i, you) - allow others to have their way rather than asserting your own pov - motivation of accommodator plays a key role

laissez- faire families

- low in conversation orientation and conformity orientation - "hands off" - comm = lack of involvement w each other - decision making is individual - family membs make decisions autonomously, no input from others

protective families

- low in conversation orientation and high in conformity orientation - emphasizes obedience to authority and the reluctance to share thoughts and feelings - parents make decisions and it is final

interpersonal conflict analogy

- managing conflict is like pulling weeds - 2 types of roots of conflict include: visible, temporary. underlying, ongoing and deeper - examples of underlying: poor comm, misperceptions, interact vitality, stress, past baggage, selfishness (deepest root)

validating

- openly and cooperatively manage conflicts - talk through issues civilly - try keeping emotions in check without denying them - listen to each other and look for collaborative solutions to benefit their problems

stage 3: intensifying

- we use strategies that increase the stakes, the intensity of the relationship - expression of feelings toward the other becomes more common, sometimes more directly but often less so - spending more time together, doing favors, asking for support - expressing feelings nonverbally - trying to look more physically attractive - time of relational excitement and euphoria perceptual objectivity can be pretty low in this stage (listen to your friends)

stage 6: differentiating

- weakening bonds between partners - "we" becomes more of "me" - increase in interpersonal dissatisfaction - differences seem more obvious and significant - tolerance toward the other decreases

competing

- win- lose (i, you) - either/or conflict - can enhance relationship if done correctly (who's more romantic, better golfer, better job offer), but can easily backfire - can breed the two types of aggression: direct and passive

collaborating

- win- win (i, you) - find a solution that satisfies the needs and goals of everyone involved - mutually satisfying outcome

coercive power

- your ability to administer punishments to others - uses that of force to gain compliance from another

Chapman's 5 Love Languages

1. Giving/ receiving gifts 2. spending quality time 3. words of affirmation 4. acts of service 5. physical touch

M.E.N.T.O.R. - 6 key things a mentor does

1. M- models: more is caught than taught 2. E- encourages: i believe in you 3. N- networks: helps apprentice make key relational contacts 4. T- trains: directs and corrects 5. O- observes: gives responsibility, watches execution, & provides feedback (i do, you watch. i do, you help. you do, i help. you do, someone else watches) 6. R- refers: resource person

W.I.T.H. - 4 key principles that will help you become an effective mentor

1. W- witness: hangout and do things w apprentice 2. I- intentional: do things on purpose 3. T- teachable moments: teach them things that happened bc of experiences 4. H- have fun and patience

mentoring definitions

1. a relational experience through which one person empowers another to develop their potential by sharing various resources 2. friendship w a vision

4 categories of relational messages

1. affinity 2. immediacy 3. respect 4. control

6 major factors of attraction

1. appearance and personality 2. similarity 3. complementarity (opposites attract) 4. proximity (how close they are) 5. reciprocity of liking (attracted to ppl who like us) 6. reward

3 basic dialectical tensions of relationships

1. autonomy vs. connection 2. openess vs. privacy 3. novelty vs. predictability

2 ways we evaluate our profit margin

1. comparison levels: comparing what i get with what i think i should get (my expectations) 2. comparison levels for alternatives: comparing what i get with what i think i could get in another relationship

5 general conflict styles

1. competing 2. collaborating 3. compromising 4. avoiding 5. accommodating

4 kinds of families

1. consensual 2. pluralistic 3. protective 4. laissez- faire

communication patterns within families

1. conversation orientation 2. conformity orientation

dimensions of control

1. conversation: who talks the most, who interrupts, and who changes the topic most often 2. decisions: who has the power to determine what will happen in the relationship

B.L.E.N.C. (bottom up)- integrative bargaining techniques

1. cost cutting 2. non- specific compensation 3. expanding the pie 4. log rolling 5. bridging

initiating opening lines

1. cute- flippant openers: humorous, indirect and ambiguous as to whether speaker really wants an extended encounter. "you look just like my next girlfriend!" - preferred least by both men and women 2. innocuous openers: highly ambiguous comments that might be made to anyone regardless of interest in generating an encounter. "do you know how to work this machine?" - preferred most by both men and women 3. direct openers: "i'd really like to get to know you" - men prefer this more than women

3 most common strategies for coping with tensions

1. denial 2. alternation 3. segmentation

D.E.A.L.- 4 ways to negotiate interpersonal conflict

1. distinguish between person and problem 2. emphasize interests not positions 3. asses your B.A.T.N.A. (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) 4. look for objective criteria to help you

interactional, or "systems" compromises

1. elements or parts 2. interconnections or interactions 3. a function or purpose

sternberg's key 3 components of love

1. intimacy 2. passion 3. commitment

types of relational repair

1. intrapersonal repair 2. interpersonal repair

asking good questions, 3 step model

1. launching: how are you doing? what's on your mind? 2. probing: could you elaborate on that for me? can you clarify for me why you see it that way? 3. applying: what is your top takeaway from this convo? where do you think you need to go from here?

P.O.W.E.R.F.U.L. (backwards) - uncle evan's 8 suggestions for increasing interpersonal power

1. look for the iceberg 2. use interpersonal jujitsu 3. find a better story to join 4. risk more 5. envision the end - reflect more - give my life to more things that would outlive me 6. watch your boundaries - carry each others burdens but carry your own load (boulders vs. backpacks) 7. own your stuff - thoughts, feelings, words, behaviors 8. perserve

mentor definitions

1. loyal advisor of odysseus entrusted w the care and education of his son, telemachus 2. a wise and trusted counselor

resisting power: 4 ways of resisting others' attempts to gain your compliance when they've asked you to do something you don't want to do

1. negotiation 2. non- negotiation 3. justification 4. identity management

principles of interpersonal power

1. power depends upon the relationship 2. in relationships, power often follows the principle of less interest 3. personal power depends upon credibility, which is largely based on perception

conflict broken down: "an expressed struggle"

both parties are aware of disagreement, doesn't have to be verbal

principle 3: personal power depends upon credibility, which is largely based on perception

3 key ingredients to credibility for personal power: 1. competence 2. character 3. charisma

principle 1: power depends upon the relationship

6 types of power: 1. coercive 2. reward 3. legitimate 4. expert 5. information 6. referent

uncle evan's longitudinal model

LOOK AT CHART ON PAGE 99

information power

a result of possessing access to information that others need or want. the less accessible, the more sensitive, and/or the more crucial information is, the more power the possessor has

segmentation

this involves compartmentalizing different aspects of the relationship, so that some aspects accommodate one extreme while other aspects accommodate the other extreme

communication system

a group of interacting and interdependent parts that function as a whole

conflict broken down: "who perceive incompatible goals"

all conflicts look as if one party's gain would be another's loss. they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, conflict exists

interpersonal conflict definition

an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals (they want different outcomes), scarce resources, an interference from the other party in achieving their goals

research study related to comp of love

as couples age, they tend to value commitment more than the other components-- although long- term partners experience more passion and intimacy than some stereotypes suggest (Acevedo & Aron)

criticism

attacks on a person's character, blaming/accusing the other, usually accompanied by NV expressions of anger, leads to defensiveness

denial

continually pursuing one extreme of a dialectic while ignoring the other

log rolling

each gives in on lower priorities to get high priorities met within an original option - ex: choosing #1 and 2 most important options from their list and working w it

mobile illustration

each of the objects are connected to the other objects by strings tied in such ways to keep the whole system in balance. tug on any string and the effect will be felt throughout the whole mobile - family illustration: strings rep relationships, rules, and roles that function to hold a family together, maintain some type of status quo or stability

competing's aggressions: direct

expresses criticism or demand that threatens the face of the person at who it is directed - ex: character attacks, physical attacks, teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, etc.

contempt

expressions of angry disgust that insult, ridicule, demean and belittle the other (name calling, sarcastic barbs, dismissive comments)

conflict broken down: "and interference from the other party in achieving their goals"

full fledged conflict won't occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goals

the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse

hostile conflict styles that characterize deteriorating relationships 1. criticism 2. defensiveness 3. contempt 4. stonewalling

distinguish between person and problem

how can we affirm each other while we attack the problem?

expand the pie

increasing the number of resources available to solve the problem - ex: chris and pats add a roommate to help w cost and rooming

bridging

neither gets their initial demand but both high priorities met in a brand new option - ex: completely new idea

mobile ill: relationships (interact or subsystem)

not the individual but the interact, or relationship between two individuals. unique interact w each member of family

grave dressing

retrospective attempts to explain why the relationship failed

mobile ill: roles

roles we play in relation to our family members

S.H.A.P.E.- what makes each apprentice unique?

s- struggles h- heart (values) a- abilities p- personality e- experiences

metacommunication

talking specifically about our communication, "making process comments" *examples: - "it's hard to talk with you when you use that tone of voice" - "i appreciate how honest you've been with me" - "you seem distracted. are you having trouble concentrating on what i'm saying or am i mistaken?" (also perception checking)

immediacy

the degree of approach and attention that we communicate to others. immediacy is about how "close" we seem, how attentive, how engaged

affinity

the degree to which we like or appreciate another. we can express affection or disaffection/ dislike through both verbals and nonverbals

control

the degree to which you have the power to influence another in a relationship

respect

the degree to which you hold others in high regard. whereas affinity involves liking, respect involves esteem

legitimate power

the extent to which others believe you have the right or authority to expect their compliance (tell them what to do) by virtue of a role or position you have in relation to them

referent power

the extent to which you are an esteemed and respected person with whom others want to be identified to be like or to be like or to be around

character

the extent to which you are even as being trustworthy, having moral substance and integrity, being honesty and having good intentions and concern for others

competence

the extent to which you are seen by others to be someone who knows what they are doing in areas relevant to your current situation. you have the knowledge and skills to do what needs to be done

charisma

the extent to which your personality and communication are seen as dynamic, emotionally engaging, confident, warm and likable

openess vs. privacy

the tension between the need for disclosure and the need for secrecy in a relationship *other words: the desires to be transparent and vulnerable to increase intimacy as well as to keep personal secrets hidden and maintain privacy in order to protect oneself

novelty vs. predictability

the tension between the need for stability and the need for stimulation *other words: the dual desires for "newness" and adventure on one hand as well as "sameness" and familiarity on the other

autonomy vs. connection

the tension between the need of integration and the need for independence in a relationship *other words: the desire to be intimately connected to another person but also to remain an autonomous individual with one's independent identity intact - men are more likely to value autonomy in relationships, whereas women tend to place higher value on connection and commitment

equity theory

we develop relationships in which the ratio of our rewards compared to the costs is equivalent to our partner's

social exchange theory

we develop relationships that will enable us to maximize profits, relationships from which we derive more rewards than costs *other words: profits = rewards - costs

understanding an individual within a family

we must consider how that individual interacts and relates with each member of the family (subsystem) in order to understand that person, as well as family's environment (suprasystem, such as extended family, neighborhood/community, and the larger society

conflict broken down: "between at least two interdependent parties"

welfare and satisfaction of one depend on the actions of another. if parties didnt need each other to solve their problems, they'd go their separate ways

assess batna

what is my next best option if we can't reach a mutually satisfying outcome? (better your batna, greater your power)

look for objective criteria to help you

what objective standards/ resources can we use to help us reach a fair outcome? - ex: mediation, marriage counselor, lawyers, etc.)

emphasize interests not positions

why do we each want what we want?

negotiation

you attempt to accommodate the other and to compromise, to meet the request halfway

identity management

you resist by trying to manipulate the image of the person making the request - negative IM: you try to portray the person as unfair or unreasonable - positive IM: you try to make the other person feel good about him/herself

justification

you resist compliance by offering reasons why you should not comply - negative consequence: I'm afraid we'll get caught - positive consequence: writing this paper will really help you prepare for the final

non- negotiation

you simply state your refusal without any qualification

reward power

your ability to offer or deny others something they want in exchange for their doing what is wanted or expected of them

expert power

your skill, experience and competence in a specific area that offers need. expertise can be demonstrated by reputation, certifying credentials, and actions