Dad Jokes

What did the coffee report to the police?

A mugging.

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut.

I'm on a seafood diet...

I see food and I eat it.

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

Can February March?

No, but April May.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs!

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

it was just gathering dust!

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head!"

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

How do lawyers say goodbye?

We'll be suing ya!

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it!

I've got a great joke about construction

but I'm still working on it.

I used to hate facial hair

but then it grew on me.

What concert costs just 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use a honeycomb.

Wanna hear a joke about paper?

Never mind—it's tearable.

This graveyard looks overcrowded...

People must be dying to get in.