Empathy
What is sympathy?
1. It means to "feel for" someone, particularly if they've experienced a loss of some kind.
What is step 3 of the ELS?
Step 3: Listen "through the words" to the deeper thoughts and feelings that you sense from the speaker. A-Keep in mind that emotions are feelings—they are not in word form. B-When someone wants to express in words what they are feeling (their wants, desires, concerns, etc.) they take those feelings and cycle them through their brain to try to come up with the best words (vocabulary) to explain those feelings in a coherent way. C-The words they choose and the sentences they say are the best they can come up with in the moment.
What is empathy in a single verse?
1. "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them." A-That's empathy or compassion—seeing and feeling the other person from their point of view, putting yourself in their shoes, their frame of reference.
What is real love? What does this have to do with desiring to listen to others?
1. "Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves." A-Cultivating such love in our hearts moves us toward loving actions, and the more we uplift the other person the more we are uplifted in the process. B-The smile on their face brings a smile to our own.
What is an unexpected benefit of the EAS?
1. An unexpected benefit of Empathic Awareness is that in reaching to understand and relate to the deeper heart and feelings of another person this will take us deeper into our own heart, similar to getting to the same water level. A-Simply put, we can't get to a deeper place in someone else from a shallow place in ourselves. 2. We need to reach out with our eyes, ears, words, and attitude to make a connection of heart with that person.
How can judging prevent effective listening?
1. Analyzing, critiquing, and contesting what the speaker is saying, rather than simply listening to try to understand their point of view. A-Thinking, "No, you've got it wrong, that's not how I see it!"
How can advising prevent effective listening?
1. Jumping in with your unsolicited suggestions or solutions to their problem when all they want you to do is listen. "I don't think you're doing it right; what I'd do in that situation is..." A-Advising, though well-intended, can actually take over the conversation when the speaker simply wants to be heard and have their feelings empathized with.
How should we view others in our lives?
1. Each person has their strong points and weak points, faults and quirks, but also, like us, they are unique, special, valuable—we need to see them that way, treat them that way. A-I suggest that this is a prerequisite to being able to have good communication, in that we are grateful for these people in our lives and can acknowledge that every single person may have something to teach us and help us grow. 2. In fact, you might notice something special in them they don't even see in themselves.
What is the empathetic awareness skill?
1. Empathic Awareness Skill is something we do before we even start to communicate with someone and while we communicate with them. 2. It's our internal perspective, our frame of mind, the lens, the heart through which we see ourselves and others. 3. It's the why we communicate, and that is the reason I consider it to be the foundational skill for all the other skills.
How can we think of EAS as a skill?
1. Empathic Awareness of the value of yourself and others as a "skill" that you learn and cultivate in yourself and get better at over time with practice then it may appear more doable to you. 2. We all know from experience that becoming skilled at anything doesn't happen by chance or accident or by wishful thinking. A-It requires learning what to do and steady intentional effort, practicing it with successes and failures along the way as we get better and better at it.
What are the 3 components of the empathetic awareness skill?
1. Empathy - putting yourself in the other person's shoes, their point of view, their perspective, trying to feel what they're feeling 2. Being mindfully Aware that each person has unique, special value 3. It's a Skill, a learned and practiced behavior—something that is developed over time
What is a way to practice seeing people in a positive light?
1. Focus on the good. A-Think of the qualities and characteristics we appreciate about them—for example, the co-worker trying their best on that particular project even though they may not always clean up after themselves in the lunchroom; our spouse or partner constantly giving us encouraging words even though they are sometimes late for appointments; the neighbor working two jobs to support his family even though their front yard looks kind of shabby. 2. When we focus on the positives of who they are and what they do, it will help us put any negatives into better perspective, even if we need to discuss and problem-solve some of those negatives with them. A-Our positive attitude opens up our heart to the possibilities of what can go right instead of what can go wrong.
What is selective listening/filtering?
1. Hearing only what you want to hear instead of what they're actually saying. A-Such as thinking, I like these points they're saying (while I'm ignoring the ones I don't like). 2. Filtering blocks out things that may be uncomfortable for you to hear, but the speaker wants you to hear and understand.
What is empathy?
1. The ability—a developed skill, actually—to vicariously put yourself in another person's shoes and try to see from their point of view, their world, their perspective.
What separates empathy from sympathy in terms of its meaning?
1. However, "empathy" means something quite different. 2. The Oxford Dictionary defines empathy as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another." A-Another way to say it is empathy means to "feel with" or "feel into" as in "feel into the other person", which has powerful impact both for the empathizer and the person being empathized with. 3. Empathy is really an internal motivator to be a caring person who is genuinely concerned about the wellbeing of others, as well as one's own wellbeing.
What is it important to remember that everyone is a special and unique individual when listening to them?
1. I needed to practice seeing each person as a special and unique individual, whether I knew them well or not. A-The communication skills of listening and speaking I had been focusing on were the tools, the how, but it was often very easy for me to lose touch with the overall why—making a deeper emotional connection with this valuable other human being.
What is the issue with focusing on what you will say next in a conversation instead of actively listening?
1. If, for example, you're talking to me about something I disagree with you on, and I'm simply thinking about my response or rebuttal to what you're saying and not fully listening to you, then I might respond to something you didn't really say or intend because I wasn't listening!
Why is it important to value yourself first before you can relate and value others? What are the consequences of not able to?
1. In fact, the most common teaching in the world's religions is a form of "love others as you love yourself" and even self-help professionals express forms of this teaching. A-However, it only works if a person loves and values him or herself. 2. People who don't love or value themselves can actually be harmful, both to themselves and to others, because if they don't appreciate themselves then they very likely will not appreciate others.
What is the purpose of communication?
1. It is to make a connection with him, to understand what he was saying and meaning, particularly because it was a topic of importance to him.
What does it mean to listen through the words of an individual to understand ?
1. Likewise, if I listen only to the words you say, and with only my definition of those words, then I might get only a surface understanding of what you're trying to communicate. A-But if I try to listen through the words to grasp your underlying meaning and intent of the words, I have a greater chance of getting to and understanding your deeper thoughts and feelings.
What are 3 ways to enhance your EAS of your potential and personal value?
1. Meditation, Self-Reflection, Prayer: A-These are time-honored practices to help calm the mind and body, eliminate distractions, clear the mental and spiritual air, and connect with the deeper, positive mind within oneself—our internal essence. 2. If you're a religious or spiritual person, this is pausing to connect to a higher power, your life source.
What is the problem associated with not listening to others attentively??
1. Part of my problem in the moment was that I not only didn't value what he was saying, but I wasn't showing him that I valued him enough as a person to give him the full attention he deserved.
What makes up the majority of communication?
1. Perhaps not surprisingly, they have concluded that the majority of interpersonal communication is non-verbal, meaning communication is not simply the processing of words. A-What the research found is that facial expression, body language, tone of voice, posture, eye contact or lack of it say a lot.
What are the 5 steps of ELS?
1. Quiet your mind and focus on the other person as they are speaking. 2. Listen fully and openly to what they are saying. 3. Listen "through the words" to the deeper thoughts and feelings that you sense from the speaker. 4. Don't interrupt them when they're speaking to you. 5. Say back to them, in your own words, what they said and their feelings that you sensed from them to make sure you understand them correctly and they feel understood.
What is empathetic listening?
1. Rather, it's you throw the words (active) and I reach out with my mind and senses to catch the essence of what you're saying and implying (active). A-Thus, sincere Empathic Listening is really an adventure—it's reaching out and into, striving to understand the depth of what the speaker is communicating from their point of view.
What are the 4 steps involved with EAS?
1. Recognize your own inherent value and dignity as a person. A-Recognize the inherent value and dignity of the other person, that they are likewise worthy of respect. B-Create the desire in your mind to want to listen and relate to them. Think of the positives in your relationship with the other person.
What is step one of the empathetic listening skills?
1. Step 1: Quiet your mind and focus on the other person as they are speaking. Put yourself in their world, look from their point of view. A-This means not only being silent and not speaking when the other person is talking but also quieting your mind from distracting thoughts that prevent you from really listening.
What is the first step associated with EAS?
1. Step 1: Recognize your own inherent value and dignity as a person. Your inner self. Your unique value and special character.
What is step 2 of the ELS?
1. Step 2: Listen fully and openly to what they are saying, in their words and body language, without bias, defensiveness or thinking about what you'll say next. Actively listen.
What is step 2 of developing EAS?
1. Step 2: Recognize the inherent value and dignity of the other person, that they are likewise worthy of respect.
What is step 3 of EAS?
1. Step 3: Create the desire in your mind to want to listen and relate to them—to feel and understand them as they are. A-Intentions precede actions. B-As we create the desire—the intention—to relate well with others because we recognize their value as unique and special human beings, that desire will fuel and mobilize our want to listen and relate to them and move us closer to doing so.
What is step 4 of ELS?
1. Step 4: Don't interrupt them as they are speaking to you or try to finish their sentences. Just listen! A-Let the speaker finish what they're saying—don't jump in and try to finish their sentence even if you think it's helpful; it will only cut them off and make it your statement instead of theirs. B-They've got the floor, let them get to their own finish line. C-They will appreciate it, and greater understanding will result from it.
What is step 4 of EAS?
1. Step 4: Think of the positives in your relationship with the other person—your spouse, child, parent, friend, co-worker, etc. Even a stranger—they're in your world too!
What is step 5 of ELS?
1. Step 5: Say back to them, in your own words, what they said and their feelings that you sensed from them to make sure you understand them correctly and they feel understood. A-When you say back to the speaker the essence of what you heard them say, this accomplishes two things: 1) It helps confirm that you heard what they said and meant—that you got it correctly and you understand them, 2) It helps the speaker know what they sounded like, what they communicated. They may think they explained themselves fully, but by your feedback—saying back in your own words what they said—they will clearly know if it was enough or if they need to explain more.
How can being condescending prevent effective listening?
1. The One Upper - Overriding what the other person is saying. "That's nothing... Wait till you hear what happened to ME!" A-Condescending can make the other person feel that what they had to say wasn't important and that your story was better than theirs. B-This can feel like a putdown to the speaker.
What is the benefit of using the Pause -> Reflect -> Adjust -> Act mantra?
1. The Pause helps me stop my wayward thinking on the spot—like a stoplight. 2. Then I Reflect on the importance of the person and what they're talking about or the situation, 3. I Adjust my focus and intentionality to value and zero in on them and what they're saying and feeling, and finally 4. I Act by being more empathically present.
How can we prevent listening blocks from occurring when we are listening?
1. The best way to avoid these blocks is to practice Empathic Listening Skill, especially Step 1—Quiet your mind and focus on the other person as they are speaking to you. -As you do, these listening blocks will start to disappear and be replaced with good, effective listening.
How can we see EAS as opportunities in situations?
1. The good news is that opportunities for developing your Empathic Awareness Skill show up all the time, even daily and unexpectedly. EX: You're driving on the freeway, and a driver cuts you off and you want to get angry at him. EX: A co-worker won't stop complaining and you're getting fed up with him or her. A-We may not know what personal issues they may be dealing with or be able to control or modify their behavior, but we can control and modify our own.
What does it mean to act lovingly in order to feel lovingly?
1. The lesson here is to act loving in order to feel loving rather than simply wait for loving feelings to emerge before you act. A-If we act loving and caring even to someone we don't like, the feelings of love and caring will sooner or later emerge within us. B-Thus, we acted ourselves into the feelings we wanted to have.
When should you use the ELS?
1. The topic is very meaningful or significant to you or the speaker 2. Emotions are running high 3. Either of you don't feel understood 4. Trust is low in your relationship.
What is a different perspective in how to look at people we don't like attitudes and behaviors?
1. They may be a test for me to grow my heart of empathy and compassion for who they are as unique human beings. 2. You can also think, A-Perhaps they agitate something in me that I need to confront and deal with—my own arrogant and judgmental attitudes, my hair-trigger anger, my prejudice, etc.
What is a way to grow and test our EAS with others?
1. Think of this day as an experiment in which you see the people you come in contact with as opportunities for you to grow in love and compassion by practicing caring, understanding, patience, forgiveness and gratitude. Test the hypothesis that Empathic Awareness will work in your life today.
What is rehearsing when it comes to communication skills? How can it prevent effective listening?
1. Thinking of how you will respond instead of being fully present and hearing what they are saying now. A-Such as, I know exactly what I'm going to tell her when her lips stop moving. 2. Rehearsing means you're listening to your own thoughts instead of theirs.
How can daydreaming affect effective listening?
1. Thinking of other things while someone is talking to you. A-Spacing out! "Hmm, I wonder where I'll go for dinner tonight?" B-Not being present and totally missing what is being said.
What is the power behind focusing only on the positive when talking and communicating with people?
1. Thinking of the positives about other people and our relationship to them creates an attraction, a magnetic effect drawing us toward them. 2. We're focusing on the positives, what's bright about them, rather than focusing on repelling any negatives. A-Our positive perspective is the key and a powerful aspect of Empathic Awareness Skill.
How can mind reading, thinking you know what they are saying and going to say, prevent you from listening effectively?
1. Thinking you already know what they are thinking and saying without really listening to them. A-Such as thinking, I've heard all this before—same old stuff. B-Mind reading prevents you from having an open mind to hear what the person is saying now.
What should be your perspective when talking and dealing with someone you do not like?
1. This difficult person may be in my life so that I can: 1) grow my heart to unconditionally value him/her and 2) look in the mirror to see if I need to change something about myself, such as overcome my anger, impatience, or some other negative behavior trait I have. 2. I can learn something valuable from them, and they can learn something valuable from me.
What makes each one of us unique and special?
1. Truly, there is no one else like you or me in all the world. A-We are each one of a kind with our own unique talents, abilities and personality.
How can we use empathy as the foundation for understanding?
1. Use empathy as the foundation for understanding. A-Recognize that the intent behind the other person's behavior may not be to upset or antagonize you. B-Instead, take that understanding and own the situation. Again, while we can't control the world around us, we can control our reactions to it.
