Expressing chapter three

Negative comparison

"Why aren't you generous like your brother?" "Why don't you come home at six like other men?" "Sarah's getting A's, and you can't even get a B in music appreciation." Comparisons are deadly because they not only contain "you're bad" messages, they also make people feel inferior.

The most malignant double messages

"come close, go away" and "I love you, I hate you" messages. These communications are found in parent-child and lover relationships and inflict heavy psychological damage.

Global labels

"stupid," "ugly," "selfish," evil," "asinine," "mean," "disgusting," "worthless," and "lazy" are a few of a huge list of hurtful words. Such labels are most damaging when used in a "you're a fool, a coward, a drunk..." format. -Making your point this way creates a total indictment of the person, instead of just a commentary on some specific behavior.

Examples of observations

- "I read in the Enquirer that an ice age is due to start within five hundred years." -" My old address was 1996 Fell street." -"She plans to wear a red strapless evening gown." -"I broke the toaster this morning." -"It was a very hot day when I left Kansas. A slight wind riffled the fields and a thunderhead was the beginning to form up north." -All of these statements adhere strictly to what the person has heard, read, or personally experienced.

Expressions of needs

-"Can you be home before seven? I'd love to go to a movie." -"I'm exhausted. Will you do the dishes and see that the kids are in bed?" -"I need a day to myself this weekend. Can we get together Sunday night? -"I need to reserve time with you so we can sit down and work this out." -"Could you just hug me for a while?" Needs are not pejorative or judgmental. They don't blame or assign fault. they are simple statements about what would help or please you.

Examples of feeling statements

-"I missed Al and felt a real loss when he left for Europe." -"I feel like I let you down, and it really gnaws at me." -"I sit alone in the house, feel this tingling going up and down my spine, and get this wave of anxiety." -" I light up with joy when I see you. I feel this incredible rush of affection." -"I'm checking my reactions, and I feel stunned and a little angry." Note that feeling statements are not observations, value judgements, or opinions.

Examples of thoughts

-"Selflessness is essential for a successful marriage." (belief) -"I think the universe will keep exploding and collapsing forever." (theory) -"He must be afraid of his wife; he always seems nervous around her." (theory) -"Log cabin is the only syrup worth buying."(value judgement) -"You were wrong to just stop seeing her." (value judgement)

Here are some general rules for finding the right environment to talk

-Find some privacy. -Find a place where you won't be interrupted. -Find a place that's congenial and physically comfortable. -Find a place that's quiet, with few distractions.

Tactics to avoid if you want to avoid hurting your listener:

-Global labels -Sarcasm -Dragging up the past -Negative comparisons -Judgmental you-messages -Threats

How to test whether you are giving whole or partial messages by asking yourself the following questions.

-Have I expressed what i actually know to be fact? Is it based on what I've observed, read, or heard? -Have I expressed and clearly labeled my inferences and conclusions? -Have I expressed my feelings without blame or judgment? -Have I shared my needs without blame or judgment?

Two main advantages to immediate feedback:

1) Immediate feedback increases the likelihood that people will learn what you need and adjust their behavior accordingly. This is because with immediate communication you establish a clear relationship between what they do (for example, driving too fast) and the consequences (your expressed anxiety). 2) Immediate communication Increases intimacy because you share your responses now. You don't wait three weeks for things to get stale. Here-and-now communications are more exciting and serve to intensify your relationships.

Four kinds of Expression

1) Observations 2) Thoughts 3) Feelings 4) Needs

You can do the following to practice communicating in whole messages:

1) Select a friend or family member whom you trust. 2) Explain the concept of whole messages. 3) Arrange a time to practice. 4) Select something you want to talk about, something that was important enough to affect you emotionally. It can be something in the past or something going on right now, something involving others, or something directly related to the person you are practicing with. 5) talk about your chosen subject using the four components of a whole message: talk about what happened and what you observed; describe what you thought and concluded; say some thing about how it all made you feel; and describe your needs in the situation. 6) When you finish, have your partner repeat back in his or her own words each part of the message. 7) Correct anything that he or she didn't get quite right. 8) Reverse the whole process, and let your partner describe an experience using whole messages.

Awareness of the other person

A certain amount of audience analysis should precede any important message. If your friend just lost a job, he or she may not be receptive to a diatribe about your low rate of pay. What kind of shape is the other person in? I s he or she rushed, in pain, angry, or able to listen?

Messages should be clear

A clear message is a complete and accurate reflection of your thoughts, feelings, needs, and observations. You don't leave things out. You don't fudge by being vague or abstract. Some people are afraid to say what they really mean. They talk in muddy, theoretical jargon. Everything is explained by vibes or by psychological interpretations. One woman who was afraid to tell her boyfriend that she was turned off by public petting said that she felt "a little strange" that day and thought that her parent' upcoming visit was "repressing her sexuality." This ambiguous message allowed her boyfriend to interpret her discomfort as a temporary condition. He never learned her true needs.

Messages should be straight

A straight message is one in which the stated purpose is identical with the real purpose of the communication. Disguised intentions and hidden agendas destroy intimacy because they put you in a position of manipulating rather than relating to people. You can check if your messages are straight by asking yourself these two question: " why am I saying this to this person?" and "Do I want him or her to hear it or something else?"

Messages should be supportive

Being supportive means you want the other person to be able to hear you without getting upset or defensive. Ask yourself, "Do I want my message to be heard defensively or accurately? Is my purpose to hurt someone, to aggrandize myself, or to communicate?"

incongruence confuses communication

Congruence promotes clarity and understanding. A man who spent the day in his delivery truck arrived home to a request that he make a run to the supermarket. He responded, "Sure, whatever you want." But his tone was sarcastic and his body slumped. His wide got the message and went herself. But she was irritated by the sarcastic tone and later started a fight about the dishes. A college student asked soothingly to hear about her roommate's "boyfriend in trouble," But while the story unfolded, her eyes flitted always to the mirror, and she sat on the edge of her chair. Her voice said, "I care," but her body said, "I'm bored. Hurry up."

Contaminated messages

Contamination takes place when your messages are mixed for mislabeled. For example, you might be contaminating feelings, thoughts, and observations if you said to your daughter, "I see you're wearing that old dress again."

Avoid double messages

Double messages are like kicking a dog and petting it at the same time. They occur when you say two contradictory things at once. Husband to Wife: "I want to take you, I do. I'll be lonely without you. But I don't think the convention will be much fun. Really, you'd be bored to death." This is a double message, because on the surface the husband seems to want his wife's company. But when you read between the lines, it's evident that he's trying to discourage her from coming.

Hidden agendas are usually necessitated by?

Feelings of inadequacy and poor self-worth. You have to protect yourself, and that means creating a certain image. Some people take the "I'm good" position. Most of their communications are subtle opportunities to boast. Others play the "I'm good, but you aren't" game. They are very busy putting everyone down and presenting themselves, by implication, as smarter,stronger, or more successful. Hidden agendas such as "I'm helpless," "I'm fragile," "I'm tough," or "I know it all" are good defensive maneuvers to keep you from getting hurt. but the stated purpose of your communications always different from your real purpose.

Be clear about your wants and feelings

Hinting around about your feelings and needs may seem safer than stating them clearly. But you end up confusing the listener. Friend to friend; "why don't you quit volunteering at the cray free clinic?" The clear message would be "I'm afraid for you struggling in that conflict ridden place. I think you are exhausting yourself, and I miss the days when we had time to spend an afternoon together. I want you to protect your health and have more time for me."

Don't ask questions when you need to make a statement.

Husband to wife: "Why do you have to go back to school? You have plenty of things to keep you busy." -The statement hidden in the question is "I'm afraid that if you go back to school, I won't see you enough. I'll feel lonely. As you grow in independence, I'll feel less control over the direction of our lives."

Threats

If you want to bring meaningful communication to a halt, get out the big guns. Threaten to move out, threaten to quit, threaten violence. Threats are good topic changers, because instead of talking about uncomfortable issues, you can talk about the hostile things you plan to do.

Messages should be immediate

If you're hurt or angry, or needing to change something, delaying communication will often exacerbate your feelings. Your anger may smolder; your frustrated need become a chronic irritant. What you couldn't express at the moment will be communicated later in subtle or passive-aggressive ways. One women was quite hurt at the thought of not being invited to thanksgiving at her sister's house. She said nothing, but she broke a date they had to go to the planetarium and "forgot" to send a Christmas card. Sometimes unexpressed feeling is stockpiled to the point where a small transgression triggers a major dumping of the accumulated rage and hurt. These dumping episodes alienate family and friends.

Place awareness

Important messages are usually delivered when two people are alone, in a nondistracting environment. Talking where you can be overheard discourages whole messages. Partial and contaminated messages increase as you feel the need to compress and sanitize your comments for public consumption.

Awareness also means:

Keeping track of the listener's response while you're talking: paying attention to facial expressions, eye contact, and body language. Is the other person asking questions, giving feedback, or sitting like a lump in the chair?

Judgemental you-messages

Known as You-messages or you-statements, these attacks take an accusatory form: "you don't love me anymore." "you're never here when I need you" "you never help around the house." "you turn me on about as much as a 1964 Plymouth.

Needs

No one knows what you want except you. You are the expert, the highest authority, on yourself. However, you may have a heavy injunction against expressing your needs. You hop friends and family will be sensitive or clairvoyant enough to know what you want. Since you feel it's bad to ask for anything, you express your needs with a head of anger or resentment. The anger say, "I'm wrong to ask, and you're wrong to make me have to."

Win/lose interactions can be avoided by...

Sticking rigidly to the whole-message structure. You can also get around the win/lose pattern by making clear observations on your process: "I'm feeling pretty defensive and angry right now, and it looks like I've fallen into the old win/lose syndrome.

Communicating supportively means...

That you avoid win/lose and right/wrong games. These are interactions in which the intention of one or both players is "Winning" or proving the other person wrong, rather than sharing and understanding. Your intention in communication will guide you toward a predictable result. Real communication produces understanding and closeness, while win/lose games produce warfare and distance. Ask yourself, "Do I want to win, or do I want to communicate? Do I want to be right, or do I want mutual understanding? If you find yourself feeling defensive and wanting to criticize the other person, that's a clue that you're playing win/lose.

Keep your messages congruent

The content, your tone of voice, and your body language should all fit together. If you congratulate someone on getting a fellowship, his or her response is congruent if voice, facial gestures, and spoken messages all reflect pleasure. Incongruence is apparent if the person thanks you with a frown, suggesting that he or she doesn't really want the compliment.

Messages Should be direct

The first requirement for effective self-expression is knowing when something needs to be said. This means that you don't assume people know what you think or want. Communicating directly means you don't make any assumptions. In fact, you should assume that people are poor mind readers and haven't the faintest idea what goes on inside you.

Self-awareness

The only way you can be sure to give whole messages is to examine your own inner experience. What are you observing, thinking, feeling, and wanting? What is the purpose of this communication? Is the stated purpose the same as the real purpose? What are you afraid of saying? What do you need to communicate?

Dragging up the past.

This destroys and chance of clarifying how each of you feels about the present situation. You reopen old wounds and betrayals instead of examining your current dilemma.

Sarcasm

This form of humor clearly tells the listener that you have contempt for him or her. It's often a cover for feelings of anger and hurt. The effect on the listener is to push him or her away or make him or her angry.

Observations

This is the language of the scientist, the detective, the appliance repair person. It means reporting what your senses tell you. There are no speculations, inferences, or conclusions. Everything is simple fact.

Focus on one thing at a time

This means that you don't start complaining about your daughter's Spanish grades in the middle of a discussion about her boyfrien's marijuana use. Stick with the topic at hand until both of you have made clear, whole messages. If you get unfocused, try using one of the following statements to clarify the message: "I'm feeling lost...What are we really talking about?" or "What do you hear me saying? I sense we've gotten off track."

Rules for effective expression

To communicate effectively, you need to make sure that your messages are direct, immediate, clear, straight, and supportive. The following sections discuss these five characteristics in more depth.

Needs part two

Trying to have a close relationship in which you don't express your needs is like driving a car without a steering wheel. You can go fast, but you can't change direction or steer around potholes. Relationships change, accommodate, and grow when both people can clearly and supportivly express what they need.

Contaminated messages part two

What you needed to say were four very distinct things: 1) "That dress is a little frayed and still has the ink spot we were never able to get out." (observation). 2) "I don't think it's nice enough for a Sunday visit to Grandpa's." (thought) 3) "I feel anxious that your grandfather will think I'm not a very good parent if I let you wear a dress like that." (feeling) 4) "I would prefer that you wear something more presentable." (need)

Partial message (leaving something out)

When you leave something out, it's called a partial message. Partial messages create confusion and distrust. People sense something is missing, but they don't know what. They're turned off when they hear judgments untempered by your feelings and hopes. They resist hearing anger that doesn't include the story of your frustration or hurt.

Whole needs

Whole messages include all four kinds of expression: What you see, think, feel, and need. Intimate relationships thrive on whole messages. Your closest friends, your mate, and your family can't know the real you unless you share all of your experiences. That means not leaving things out, not covering up your anger, not squelching your wants. It means giving accurate feedback about what you observe, clearly stating your inferences and conclusions, saying how it all makes you feel, and , if you need something or see possibilities for change, making straightforward requests or suggestions.

practicing whole messages

You can practice communicating whole messages by taking partial or contaminated messages and adding the missing observations, thoughts, feelings, or needs.

Keeping your messages clear depends on awareness.

You have to know what you observed and then how you reacted to it. What you see and hear in the outside world may be so easily confused with what you thing and feel inside. Separating these elements will go a long way toward helping you express yourself clearly. Here are some tips for staying clear.

Distinguish between observations and thoughts

You have to separate what you see and hear from your judgments, theories, beliefs, and opinions. "I see you've been fishing with Joe again" could be a straightforward observation. But in the context of a long standing conflict about Joe, it becomes a barbed conclusion. Review the section on contaminated messages for more discussion of this issue.

Feelings part two

You may have decided to keep many feelings to yourself. Yet how you feel is a large part of what makes you unique and special. Shared feelings are the building blocks of intimacy. when you allow others to know what angers, frightens, and pleases you, two things happen: they have greater empathy and understanding, and they are better able to modify their behavior to meet your needs.

Awareness may include a bit of rehearsal, particularly while getting used to delivering whole messages.

You run things over in your mind until each part of the message is clear and distinct. You separate what you observe and know from what you surmise and believe. You contact your feelings and find a way to say them. You arrive at a nonthreatening way to express your need.

Being strait also means that you tell the truth.

You state your real needs and feelings. You don't say you're tired and want to go home if you're really angry and want more attention. You don't angle for compliments or reassurance by putting yourself down. you don't say you're anxious about going to a couples therapist when actually you feel angry about being pushed to go. You don't describe your feelings as depression because your mate prefers that to irritation. You don't say you enjoy visiting your girlfriend's brother when the experience is one step below fingernails scraping on the chalkboard. Lies cut you off from others. Lies keep others from knowing what you need or feel. you lie to be nice or you lie to protect yourself, but you end up feeling alone with your closest friends.

Thoughts

Your thoughts are conclusions, inferences drawn from what you have heard, read, and observed. they are attempts to synthesize your observations so you can see what's really going on and understand why and how events occur. They may also incorporate value judgments in which you decide that something is good or bad, wrong or right. Beliefs, opinions and theories are all varieties of conclusions.

Feelings

probably the most difficult part of communication is expressing your feelings. Some People don't want to hear what you feel. They get bored or upset when feelings come up. Some people are selectively receptive. They can hear about your post divorce melancholy but not about your fear of death. Anger is the most discouraged feeling because it's threatening to the listener's self esteem.

Preparing your message

there are three types of awareness that can help you deliver whole messages rather than partial or contaminated messages, particularly when you need to communicate something important. If you practice being aware of yourself, your conversation partner, and your physical location, you may find that you are able to have deeper and more satisfying conversations with the important people in your life.