HDE 110 MT 2

demanding

"stirring the oatmeal" love is neither exciting nor thrilling often requires communication and work cannot read another person's mind

Intrinsic Marriage Vital marriages

(15%) Lives are closely intertwined Spend lots of time together Resolve conflicts through compromise Often make sacrifices for each other Consider sex important and pleasurable Disagreements are about specific issues and are resolved quickly

Utilitarian Marriages Conflict-habituated marriage

(they get used to having minor [sometimes major] conflicts) Fight verbally and physically Do not believe fighting is a good reason for divorce Believe that fighting is a good way to solve problems Reason for conflict is often minor Disputes are often unresolved

Benefits of singlehood

-Benefits of singlehood -Privacy, independence -Varied sexual experiences -Exciting, changing lifestyle -Meeting new friends with different interests -Economic autonomy -Freedom from responsibility, but still responsible for yourself (not others) -A need for independence

Racial and ethnic singles

-Blacks are more likely than whites and Latinos to be single -Shortage of marriageable Black men -More college educated Black women -Singlehood is increasing among Latinos -Latino population is younger than other populations -Many postpone marriage for economic reasons -Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders have some of the lowest singlehood (never married) rates -Strong belief in marriage and family

Today, more people are

-Choosing not to marry -Living together -Raising children alone Many people delay marriage while they are... -Pursuing education -Preparing for a job -Spending time in other activities

% of american adults believe in love at first sight

50

Sexuality: cross- cultural perspective Guevedoce

5α-Reductase deficiency 1/5 born looking female (in a certain society) they are lacking higher levels of testosterone don't develop male genitalia At age 12, they develop testes on the outside of their body and get regular hormone levels Difficult to transition from female to male

LGBT in the U.S

8% identify other than heterosexual men: 2.3 homosexual; 1.8 bisexual; 3.9 other women: 1.3 homosexual; 2.8 bisexual; 3.8 other Homophobia: fear & hatred of homosexuality

Voluntary temporary singles

: open to marriage but place a lower priority on searching for mates. -Includes cohabiting couples

Fun facts about love

A documentary: "The Loving Story" debuted in 2012 on HBO. In 1967, Supreme Court ruled for the Lovings and overturned the ban on interracial marriage in 16 states. Alabama was the last to comply in 2000. The CDC reports that married people are healthier: Less likely to smoke or drink heavily, lower rates of STDs and suicide.

Same sex marriage Increasing acceptance

Last year: 60% and up believe it should be legal (south = 57%) East highest 81% legalizers were under 30 years old 52% of republicans under age of 50 were legalizers 51% of people in banned states were legalizers

Characteristic of long lasting love

Lasting love is more complicated than romantic love Long term love is altruistic (putting the other first) Love changes over time Love term love grows and develops, whereas romantic love is immature Companionate love is more common in long term relationships demographic variables play a role in sustaining love

Eros

Lee's style of Loving love of beauty, physical attraction erotic love, sexual love

Agape

Lee's style of Loving altruistic and self-sacrificing love directed toward all humankind love found in religions

Ludoes

Lee's style of Loving carefree and casual love nothing to do with commitment

Mania

Lee's style of Loving characterized by obsessiveness, jealousy, possessiveness, and intense dependence

Pragma

Lee's style of Loving rational love based on practical consideration shopping list love do it because it has to get done (someone has to do the laundry)

Storge

Lee's style of Loving slow-burning, peaceful and affectionate love love that is demonstrated by older couples

Why we have sex Emotional

Love & commitment (extraverted men likely to have sex for this) Expression

Positive reasons for getting married

Love and companionships—continuous, intimate companionship with a loved one Having children—society laws tend to protect children within marriage, but not outside (love and companionship would come later) (advantages to children who are born to parents that are married) Marriage marks adult identity Commitment and personal fulfillment Continuity and permanence

Commitment

Remain in a relationship through thick and thin, "for better or worse" Mutual commitment comes from: Loyalty and fidelity Religious, legal, or moral beliefs Optimism about future rewards Emotional attachment, dependence and love

Why we have sex Goal attainment

Resources Social status Revenge (neurotic women) Utilitarian (neurotic women)

STIs

STI=Sexually transmitted infections Diseases that are spread by contact with body parts or fluids that harbor specific micro-organisms Sexual or non-sexual organisms Over 50 types Many do not have symptoms Prevalence: 19 million have a new case of STI every year ¼ of population (15-24 year olds) has 50% of the STIs Consequences: HIV and AIDS HIV=Human immunodeficiency virus Virus that causes AIDS AIDS=Acquired immunodeficiency syndrome Degenerative condition that attacks the body's immune system and makes it unable to fight diseases (T-cells drop) Prevalence: 56,000 new cases every year Spread: fluid contact, more likely when you have had more partners

Why we have sex Physical

Stress reduction (women when neurotic) Pleasure Physical desirability Experience seeking (women, when neurotic)

Pubertal Rites Incorporation

becoming men and women adults, get married and have children

Transvestite

biologically one sex, but engages as the gender of another sex

The inertia effect

says that cohabitating couples may drift into marriage rather than making a conscious commitment

pansexual

sexual attraction to males, females, intersex individuals (anyone)

heterosexual

sexual attraction to opposite sex

Love includes all 8 important qualities of friendship PLUS

sexual desire priority over other relationships caring to the point of self sacrifice

bisexual

sexually attracted to members of same and opposite sex

Homosexual

sexually attracted to same sex

Clock spring theory

variation of wheel theory (stage theory) go through each stage of the stage theory multiple times for each person before commitment

multifaceted

varies in degree and intensity and in different social contexts

Caring

wanting to help the person by providing aid and emotional support responding to the other person's needs without conditions brains release oxytocin boost your self esteem

Marital roles

"His and her marriage" Men and women experience marriage differently Identity bargaining - make adjustments to new roles as husband and wife The couples has different ideas of what is going to come next, if they have just sold the farm or something. Gender is the best predictor of marital roles "wifework": One study says wives provide 100% of "husband care" More roles (their own work, the mother, the one who makes the food, the driver) Variations in domestic roles Wives tend to do much more housework (they do less now, but not because the husband has picked up. They just do less.) When wives work, husbands tend to do more (than nothing) ← because wives don't have time to do the housework! Wives more likely to perform "dirty" tasks Race/ethnicity Employed Latino and African American men spend more time in household tasks than employed White men Still, women tend to do more Social Class Higher wife's SES correlated with more help from husband Domestic roles and marital quality Men usually are happy if there's greater equality in decision making - but not in housework Women tend to be happier when there's equality in decision making and housework Mothers tend to be very unsatisfied if they have disproportionate share of domestic and child care responsibilities, little decision-making power, and do more of the "emotional work" for intimacy

Cohabitation: a global view

-Cohabitation is common in Latin America and the Caribbean -Cohabitation is less common in African & Asia -Cohabitation is still frowned upon in some southern European countries -In Britain, over 75% of first partnerships are cohabitating -In Australia, 71% of couples live together before marriage -Cohabitation is highest in industrialized countries

Benefits of marriage

-Companionship -Faithful sexual partner -Dependability, love -Sharing mutual interests -Pooling economic resources -Social approval from family/religious groups for settling down -Becoming part of something larger than self

Cohabitation benefits

-Emotional security -Relationships can be dissolved without legal complications -Postponing marriage lowers likelihood of divorce -People can find out how much they really care about each other -Other people can receive caregiving usually provided by spouses -Cohabitants don't have to deal with in-laws -Children in cohabitating relationships often have the same benefits as two parent families

Cohabitation costs

-Few legal rights -Loss of identity or feelings of being trapped -Women in cohabitating relationships do more of the cooking and household tasks than in many married couples -Weaker level of commitment to the relationship, lower happiness, more alcohol problems, more unfaithfulness -Dilutes intergenerational ties -US laws don't specify cohabitants' responsibilities and rights

Same sex marriage

-In 2004, Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage -16 other states have followed such as Iowa, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, Washington state, Hawaii, New York, Maine, and others. -California passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage but it was voted down with proposition 8 which banned gay marriage. -It was overturned by the 9th Circuit court & lawsuits ensued! Many same sex couples argue that the inability to marry results in treatment as second-class citizens: ^This all changed 6/26/2015

Home alone

-More than 90% of Americans marry at least once -More than 25% of Americans live alone -15% of women and 13% of men live alone -27% of older Americans live alone -On average, women live 5 years longer than men, and older women are more likely than men to live alone -In 1970 - one person households: 17% -In 2010 - one person households: 27%

Myths & realities about singlehood

-Myth: Singles are tied to their mother's apron strings -Singles and marrieds have similar relationships with parents -Myth: Singles are selfish and self-centered -Singles often make more time for friends and are more active in the community than marrieds -Myth: Singles are well off financially -More singles than marrieds live at or below the poverty level -Myth: Singles are happier -Singles are more likely to be lonely and to be depressed when alone -Myth: There is something wrong with unmarried people -Nothing wrong with being single; Singles simply feel that the disadvantages of marriage outweigh the benefits

Single adults in later life

-Only 3% of men and women age 65 and older have never married -Aging single / unmarried women are typically seen as "over the hill" -Aging single / unmarried men are "mature" and "distinguished" -Older women are more likely than older men to remain single after divorce or widowhood -Because they are caring for aging parents -Some don't want to get married again -Never marrieds can be lonely but also can value their independence

supreme court ruling june 26 2015

-Supreme Court ruled that states cannot ban same-sex marriage: decision based on equal protection clause in the 5th amendment -No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family," Kennedy wrote. "In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were." -Anthony Kennedy, Supreme Court Justice writing for the majority; 5-4 ruling

Gay marriage

-The Defense of Marriage Act (1996) bans federal benefits for spouses unless there is "a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife" -DOMA is no longer being actively enforced -Same-sex couples can enter into civil unions (domestic partnerships), allowing some legal benefits -31% of employers and 74% of the 50 most prestigious colleges offer domestic-partner benefits -The US Military now provides federal benefits for personnel

Cohabitation and children

-The number of cohabitating couples with children has gone up 900% since 1960 -Nearly half of all children will spend some time in a cohabitating family before age 16 -Cohabitation can be negative if parents are poor or unhappy -"Social fathers" are less involved with children than are married fathers

Many singles choose to live alone because

-They can afford it -American values emphasize individualism -Americans are living longer and healthier lives and so can live independently -People are postponing marriage or deciding not to marry

Emerging adulthood: A new age

-Traditional views of being an adult: marriage, full time work, career, children -Emerging adulthood (Arnett) -Extended education, self-exploration -Postponing taking on adult roles -Feeling in-between, not an adolescent but not an adult -Emerging financial independence, decision making

Sexuality: cross cultural perspective

After pubertal rites Male: prevalent in the united states Female genital mutilation: an ingrained deep religious belief for sexual chastity (Sudan, Somalia); an act of purity (for males too) Women will come to the States and try to do this to themselves before they get married For religious purposes For chastity For hygienic purposes

Barriers to experiencing love

Barriers to love occur at both macro and micro levels of society Mass society and demographic factors Technology can decrease opportunities for face-to-face interaction does social media encourage or discourage opportunities - both Variables such as age, income, and occupation also shape our love experiences Double standards can create a lack of mutual trust and lead to playing games "Me-first" individualism can lead to a preoccupation with self Personality and family characteristics get in the way of finding love

Changes in marriage throughout the life course: What happens after I Do?

Basic adjustments Wives especially may experience "marriage shock" Settling in: Parents as role models: responsiveness to each other's needs Resolving financial issues Young children Marital satisfaction goes down after birth of first child Challenge to socialize children Adolescents Challenges of parental divorce or unemployment, and children's exposure to violence and drugs in schools/neighborhoods Adolescents tend to react to family stress by pressing for autonomy Marriage at Midlife Intergenerational Ties Relationships with In-Laws (where are you going to celebrate the holidays if the families have different traditions)x The "Empty Nest Syndrome" Used to think parents felt lessened sense of wellbeing or usefulness Many couples find this a chance to relax and enjoy each other's company The Boomerang Generation (often happens to college students who have a period after graduation where they are looking for a job) Young adults move back to parents' home after living independently Can have positive or negative effect on parents' marriage Marriage in later life U-shaped curve of marriage satisfaction Retirement Upturn in marital happiness for many couples Few unresolved issues Resolve conflicts more easily Rewards of long-term friendship (big factor moving forward) Not much change in gender roles Health and well-being Sexual expression still important for older individuals Those who feel valued are happier and live longer than unhappy older couples Decline in health usually leads to decreased marital quality

Gay and lesbian couples

Because legal marriage is rare, most homosexuals in committed relationships must cohabit: Now legal in 17 states, up from 7 in 2012 -29% of gay men and 44% of lesbians have steady romantic partners -Most gay men and lesbians want an enduring love relationship -Conflict is experienced in the same areas as heterosexual couples, including power, personal flaws, intimacy, and physical absence -Many racial-ethnic minority families have strong extended family systems and religious values which are less accepting of gay and lesbian couples

How does marriage affect health?

CDC Study on Marital Status and Health in the U.S., 1999-2000 Survey of 127,545 adults who were married, widowed, divorced or separated, never married, or living with a partner 3 age groups: 18-44 years old 45-64 years old 65 years old and older Overall, people who are currently happily married tend to: Have better health Have less activity limitations (better able to take care of themselves physically) Be less likely to experience severe headaches Be less likely to experience severe psychological stress Be less likely to smoke when compared with people who are not currently married

Important factors for successful marriages

Compatibility (filter theory) Attitudes, values, beliefs, social backgrounds, personality, similar leisure interests (not necessarily all the same leisure interests) Flexibility "It's a lot of give and take" they don't think the world is coming to an end, just say it is a bad day Positive attitudes Like each other, are good friends; shared sense of humor (if it is not shared, there are going to be a lot of miscommunications) Communication and conflict resolution Happy couples recognize and work through disagreements and problems Emotional Support Trust, cooperation, and respect (Respect is the number one thing that people are looking for in a partner)

What attracts people to each other?

Cultural norms and values bring people together: proximity is a factor Parents can indirectly encourage or limit future romances or directly Homogamy (Endogamy): dating and marrying within one's group Exogamy: dating and marrying someone outside one's "acceptable group"

Aggression & violence in dating relationships

Dating violence is widespread and rarely a one-time event Acquaintance rape: the rape of a person who knows or is familiar with the rapist Date rape: unwanted, forced sexual intercourse in the context of a dating situation Women are more likely to be raped by a date or acquaintance than by a spouse, ex-spouse, strangers, or live-in partner

Utilitarian Marriages Devitalized Marriage

Deeply in love when they got married Continue to spend time together out of obligation instead of love Do not get divorced because they still get along Determined to stay married despite one or both spouses being unhappy When the first child comes, the parents are tired, so they do not feel the love they used to. May feel like they are spending time together out of obligation, but if they give it time, they realize they are not out of love, just forgetting.

Sexual behaviors: Infidelity

Defined as a breach of trust, a betrayal of a relationship, and a breaking of an agreement in any committed relationship 22% of married adults have at least 1 affair less in the US Turkey = 58% Israel = 7% Macro reasons: 1. Economic problems, 2. Purpose of marriage changed, 3. Anonymity of urban life, 4. Increase of lifespan, 5. Increase of women in workplace, 6. Gender roles, 7. New technology Micro reasons: 1. Need for emotional or sexual satisfaction, 2. Excitement, 3. Ego enhancement, 4. Social capital, 5. Can get away with it, 6. Revenge, 7. Way out of marriage

Micro reasons for singlehood

Delaying married while waiting for "true love" -Being independent -Enjoying close relationships with friends and family -Many men don't want to get married -Less pressure to get married in order to have children -Less stigma now, except for some religious and cultural groups -Fearing divorce -Poor health or lower attractiveness -Fewer assets in the marriage market

Exchange thory

Describes love as a social exchange process Focuses on the costs and rewards to each person if the costs really start to outweigh the rewards, relationships because unsuccessful and are halted Can be used to explain how relationships change over time: Adolescence: love is usually intense and self-centered, romantic love is short lived especially with non-heterosexual relationships the cost can be high if you approach the wrong person Adulthood: perceptions of costs and rewards change, for example, nurturing and patience may outweigh looks Later life: moral values, personality, and good humor take precedence

Does cohabitation lead to better marriages?

Divorce rates are higher for those who cohabitate than for those who do not live together -Divorce rates for white women who cohabitated are higher than for Black and Mexican American women who cohabitate

Is all love alike?

Heterosexual love and same sex love are similar One of the main differences is that they fear being openly affectionate in public

Cross cultural variations in marriage type LAT living apart together marriages

Economic / Personal reasons make it so they cannot always live together China: Men work in nearby towns and women plow the fields (you have permission to live in certain sections of the country, so if you love someone in another sector, you have to get permission to move there.) (can't take spouse with you to college) Scandinavian countries: Separation because of quarrels and irritation - they get along better if they have two places to live. For some, the first step toward divorce

A global view of love

Evidence of romantic love has been found in 89% of 166 different cultures, which makes it a "near-universal" human phenomenon In many countries, arranged marriages are the norm because respect for parents' wishes, family traditions, and kin group are more important than romantic love

Children in cohabitating households

Experience more domestic violence -Are more likely to be poor -Live in households with more spent on adult goods (e.g., alcohol); less on child-related goods (e.g., health and education) -Have more academic, emotional, and behavioral problems -Are more likely to experience the break-up of the parents' relationship

Factors contributing to date violence and date rape

Factors contributing to date violence and date rape: Family violence and gender role expectations Peer pressure and secrecy Use of alcohol and other drugs Consequences of dating violence and date rape: dating violence violates both body and spirit and can affect every aspect of the victim's life Even though they are not responsible for the attack, women often feel ashamed and blame themselves Women fear going out alone or being alone women can become angry, depressed, and unable to relate to a caring partner

Women are more romantic than men

False, men are more romantic initiate romance

Cross cutural variations in marriage type Forced marriage

Forced to marry before puberty Used to settle family debts and obligations Not supported by civil law Marital success and happiness

Reiss's Wheel theory of love

Four stages of love: (as a wheel) Rapport get to know the person Self-revelation figure out if this is someone you can have a relationship with Mutual dependency is this someone you can depend on and are you willing to be a little vulnerable with that person (these first 3 steps have to be done with friends) Personally need fulfillment where partners really start to confide in one another what their plans are, hopes, The stages can repeat many times get to the third stage, and think they aren't dependable, you find someone new to repeat the stages with

Good communication

Goals: you want to be clear Be clear, nonjudgmental, and non-punitive DON'T DROP HINTS Resolving conflicts using problem solving instead of coercion or manipulation Conveys what we feel Uses different approaches that are equally valid Establishes atmosphere of trust and honesty in resolving (at least decreasing) conflict Self-disclosure is a helpful first step. It means telling another person about oneself and one's thoughts and feelings with the expectation that truly open communication will follow. Reciprocity is an important response to self-disclosure. Reciprocal self-disclosure increases liking and trust, decreases guesswork, and helps balance costs and benefits in the relationship. Self-disclosure is beneficial under these four conditions: Esteem support When listener is attentive, sympathetic, and uncritical, self-disclosure can motivate people to make significant changes in their lives Information support Listener offers advice and guidance: men often rush in and provide advice right away; women will provide more passive advice "have you thought about.. . some of my friends have...." If you do the advice and guidance too early in the process you cut off the communication from the person who is trying to self disclose Instrumental support Listener offers concrete help Motivational support Listener may encourage partner when problem is not easily solved

Marital burnout

Gradual deterioration of love; loss of emotional attachment between the partners May go on for years One spouse may not give emotional support or may withdraw emotional involvement Couple may not be aware, or one spouse may hide dissatisfaction

Contemporary dating casual dating

Hanging out Getting together—more structured than hanging out Pack dating—dating within groups Hooking up—physical encounters with no strings attached Cheaper than dating No assumption of commitment Going dutch—became popular in the 1970s--- women also contribute to pay the expenses of a date to eliminate the "pay off" with sex in return

Communication Men's speech

Instrumentality - talk is a means to an end Effort to exert control Dominate the conversation Communicate in abstract terms Tend not to reference emotions as much Tend not to use verbal fillers

Companionate Love

Intimacy Commitment IC

Consummate love

Intimacy Passion Commitment IPC

Romantic Love

Intimacy Passion IP

Same sex marriage Equality Obergefell v Hodges

June 26, 2015 Right to marry 14th amendment due process clause equal protection clause

Function of love

Love ensures human survival all across the lifespan Love prolongs life for children and adults (loneliness a stress on immune system) for children and adults Love enhances physical health Love is good medicine more true for men, because women say, 'you should go to the doctor' 'we should go to the gym together' Love improves the quality of life they care for you no matter what improves self-esteem Love is fun and enjoyable

Love vs Lust

Love: decision, unconditional, protect from harm Lust: feeling of infatuation: focus on what you can get, not give brain most important organ relating to love and lust

Utilitarian Marriages Passive Congenial marriage

Low emotional investment, like the companionship Few expectations of each other Independent; satisfaction found with other relationships Often have separate activities and interests Emphasize practicality over emotional intensity (they are comfortable with each other)

Barriers to experiencing love

Macro and micro Mass society and demographic factors (macro) technology: decrease face to face interaction, help make first contact (macro?) variables such as age income and occupation narrows who you are exposed to working in an IT field: biggest barrier to dating they are on call all of time it is about 95% male in the IT field double standards: create a lack of trust and lead to playing games you think you are exclusive, he doesn't me first individualism can lead to a preoccupation with yourself (micro) personality and family characteristics get in way of finding love (micro) exuberant personality may make it challenging to find a romantic partner unless they can meet you part way on your energy level time commitments

Contemporary dating Traditional dating

Males and females follow culturally defined gender scripts Coming out parties or debutante balls generally mark a female's entrance into the dating world Bat/bar mitzvah Quinceañera Going steady & "getting pinned" was far more common during the 1930s - 50s May provide young people with a stable relationship, but prevent them from meeting new people

Meeting other

Many meet dating partners through friends and family members Other ways of meeting others include: Personal classified advertisement less often now, more dating sites Mail-order brides they used false advertising, often older than the picture they sent showed answer an ad just to get into the US Professional matchmakers still in larger cities (amongst professionals) Speed dating Cyberdating Cyberdating Estimates range 10 - 50 million Americans visited / used online dating sites like Match and eHarmony There are more than 800 online dating sites: People age 55 and older are the fastest growing group of users of online dating services Research suggests that online dating is popular because it involves ease of access and low cost, but there are downsides Women tend to lie about their age and weight Men tend to lie about their weight, height, income, and occupation

Rate of Ethnicity & Race

Marriage crunch: what African American women face, the more educated they are the less likely they are able to find someone that matches their desired characteristics opposite of what white american women experience More African American women are going to and completing college ~ 50% more women getting advanced education Racial interdating is much more common than racial intermarriage About 55% of Americans have interdated 5.4% have intermarriage (once all of the filters have been applied)

Why do we date?

Marriage market: prospective spouses compare assets and the liabilities of eligible partners and choose the best available mate go looking there when you want to find a partner

Expectations from marriage

Marriage rituals Engagement: a formal commitment to marriage (public declaration) Sends a "hands off" message Become better acquainted and strengthen identity as a couple Information (e.g. blood tests) Wedding Traditional ceremonies Reinforce the idea of commitment that is a sacred, permanent bond (if not sacred, than permanent) Acceptance affirmed by presence of friends and family Mark the end of childhood and acceptance of adult responsibilities Non-traditional ceremonies Seoul's 2001 mass wedding ceremony - arranged!! Prenuptial Agreements About 20% of the public create them More common among the very wealthy (others do it to: when you are older, you may have children, and then when you die, children and stepchildren don't have to fight over them) Problems include: "Unromantic" or pessimistic tone set for marriage Inconsistencies across states changes in couples' viewpoints over time

While many modern societies accept love as the basis of mate selection, in traditional societies, customs are more important than love

Mate selection varies according to exogamy and endogamy norms In many societies, mate selection is endogamous Arranged marriages play a role in numerous cultures The family or community is more important than the individual Mate selection methods are changing

Manifest functions of dating

Maturation: a public signal of your maturation Fun and recreation Companionship love and affection Mate selection

Sexuality behaviors Later Life

Menopause Defined as the cessation of the menstrual cycles and loss of reproductive capacity Symptoms: mood changes, fatigue, body aches, irregular bio rhythms Male menopause? Age 30 decreases by 50% Dramatic decrease in testosterone Older adults Men more than women still have sex Sexually active in 80s about 25% 70s: 50, 30% 60s: 71, 50%

Breaking up is hard to do

Micro reasons Communication problems Different interests Emotional/physical abuse Obsessive love, controlling behavior Infidelity "Freeloading" without commitment Macro reasons Moving away Economic recessions marriage rates fall divorce rates fall Society reactions if there is too much pressure on your relationships Ending relationships may be painful, but also provides opportunity to find a better mate Can breaking up be healthy? Breakups are usually painful Do men get over breakups more quickly than women do? men seem too, but could just put on a facade of getting over it faster Breakups should occur more often to provide opportunities to find a mate who may be more suitable, expand social network

What couples fight about

Money - different financial priorities and dishonesty about spending Housework - different attitudes about household work Fidelity - violations of trust and commitment (e.g. lying, betraying confidence, gossiping) (different now, with social media) Children - different philosophies for raising children Privacy - e.g. time and space to be alone. Note: not the same as secrecy. (having some alone time) Communication: A key to successful relationships Dealing with conflict

Who cohabits and why

Most cohabitors are between 25 and 44 -By age 30, half of women have cohabitated -The highest cohabitation rates are among American Indians/Native Americans and African Americans (17% for each group) and lowest for Asian Americans (~5%) -Cohabitation is more common among those with lower education and income -Those who are more religious are less likely to cohabit

Communication problems

Not listening Not responding to the issue at hand Blaming, criticizing, and nagging Scapegoating Coercion or contempt The silent treatment Power - the ability to impose one's will on others Resource theories of power More resources = more power Sources of power e.g. money, love, information access, talents principle of least interest - person who is more committed to the relationship has less power find out why the couple is having the same problem over and over again, because they are not resolving it properly.

Median age at first marriage

On average, men are older than women at their first marriage -The median age at first marriage has increased over time -1960: Women 20, Men 22.8 -1970: Women 21, Men 23 -2008: Women 25.6 and Men 27.5 -2010: Women 26.5 and Men 28.4

Alternatives to singlehood

Pairing Up & Partnering: -Cohabitation -Long-distance committed relationship -Common law 'marriage' -Domestic partnerships: gay and straight Marriage: -one man - one woman -Two men -Two women

GLBT disclousres

Parental support predicts child's well-being Regardless if disclosed or not Friend support predicts disclosure of sexual orientation Friendship support from a core group is not superficial Bisexual youth had lower well-being across their youth Rejected by both communities

Parental Influence on Sex

Parents > > > Youth Active Acknowledgement & active avoidance Usually parents and teens do one or the other Important to have a Balance between openness & privacy Supports teen autonomy & positive sexual development respecting a teens autonomy Relevant for other youth-adult interactions Making sure that they are safe, having sex with less partners, using contraception

Fatuous Love

Passion Commitment PC

Selection effect

People who cohabitate before marriage have different characteristics than those who do not

Cohabitation

Preparing for marriage or playing at commitment? -An alternative to marriage? -A stage in courtship? -Too easy to leave? -Less willing to do "work" of the relationship? -Promotes marital stability?

Homogamy & Filter Theory

Religion plays a major role in both dating and mate selection All three major US religions (Catholicism, Protestantism, and Judaism) traditionally oppose interfaith marriages (because of the children) many families are unaffiliated, belong to a non-denominational community church or something Age—Americans tend to marry within the same age group this could be related to propinquity (you are near people in your age group) Social class—most people marry within their social class because they share similar attitudes, values, and lifestyles

Sternberg's triangular theory ofl ove

Proposed that love contains three important components: (I) Intimacy: liking (P) Passion: infatuation (C) Decision/commitment; empty love Relationship range from non-love (no components) to consummate love (all components)

Happiness of married couples

Self-report measure, therefore can't know how respondents define "happiness" So you ask, how happy are you with the way you resolve conflicts, how happy are you with your sex life, how happy are you making decisions together. You have to be very specific to get good results However, findings are fairly consistent Regardless of how they define it for themselves Marital stability and satisfaction tend to be higher for: Whites than for African Americans Those with college education or higher Those who report being religious Those who married after age 20

Cohabitation and law

Seven states prohibit cohabitation, but laws are rarely enforced -Unmarried couples and children have little legal protection -Separate ownership of assets is cohabitants' best protection -Health insurance plans rarely cover an unmarried partner -Unmarried partners will not inherit money/assets if there is no will -Many attorneys recommend that cohabitants have a contract

Sexuality identity

Sexual identity: awareness of sexual orientation and the ways in which we express our sexual values attitudes, feelings and beliefs

Experience intimacy when they

Share a mutual emotional interest in each other Have some sort of history together shared history with family Have a distinct sense of identity as a couple Hold a reciprocal commitment to a continued relationship Share hopes and dreams for a common future

Social Theory of Love Shaver

Shaver: adult attachment as a basis for understanding how people maintain relationships One salient adult, needed to establish secure attachment at any time a salient adult is one person who will be there for you (you only need one to get the attachment)

Intrinsic Marriage Total marriage

Similar to vital marriage Participate in each other's lives at all levels Few areas of tension or unresolved hostility Share many facets of their lives Encompasses more than a vital marriage, but is basically the same thing.

Frequency of sex

Singles < Married still have more than single people dont when fatigued married more satifisied with sex life

Negative reasons for getting married

Social legitimacy (negative if this is the only reason for getting married [because someone else wants you to, example: legitimating marriage because you have an out-of-wedlock baby]) Social pressure Economic security Rebellion and revenge Practical solutions of problems

Latent functions of dating

Socialization—learning about gender roles, family structures, different values, and social skills learning how other people's families work when it is time to date, we stop making children segregate (until middle school most children associate with just their gender) Social status—dating can enhance prestige Fulfillment of ego needs Sexual experimentation and intimacy big business promotes dating

Aggression and violence in dating relationships

Solutions to dates violence and date rape require change at three levels Individual level: most victims do not report completed or attempted rapes may talk themselves out of that happening Organizational level: federal laws require colleges to report rate and other sexual assaults Most do not fully comply individuals do not report it Perpetrators are rarely suspended or dismissed Societal attitudes and beliefs: The traditional notion that it is the women's job to maintain the relationship often leads women to blame themselves, forgive, overlook, or excuse men's sexual aggression

Characteristics of romantic love

Some find it impossible to work, study, or do anything but think about the beloved Their moods fluctuate wildly They find it impossible to believe they could ever love again They fantasize about how their partners will declare their love They are willing to sacrifice anything for love Their love is "blind" and they idealize each other They believe in love at first sight, and in fate

Communication: Sex Differences can be a barrier Womens Speech

Talk is often an end in itself Effort to establish equality Probe for greater understanding Ask questions to encourage conversation: men take it as a signal to talk about themselves and dominate the conversation (should learn how to ask fewer questions while men ask more questions [reciprocity]) Personal and concrete Reference emotions: they learn how to do that in social situations Use verbal fillers

Health benefits of marriage

The "Selection Effect" (you are going to be looking for a partner that has better health) Healthy people make more desirable marriage partners than people who are less healthy sick people are more likely to marry other sick people because of shared experiences with physical health People marry people with health status similar to their own In the military: may start off with a similar health status, but come back from service with poorer health, and now there is a big adjustment. You have to rely on flexibility, social support as you recalibrate your relationship to maintain that. The "Protection Effect" Other researchers say that marriage itself makes people healthier Emotional, social, and physical support from spouse Decreases risky behaviors and increases healthy behaviors Husbands Tend to be healthy Husbands tend to depend on wives for caring and emotional support Wives tend to provide nurturing and companionship Wives tend to encourage behaviors that prolong life Wives' long work hours: husband's experience decreased health More likely to be obese Wives tend to be less healthy - remember the 'second shift' → dual income (working and taking care of children) Employed wives - depression (because the women are working, but also doing the second shift without support)

GLBT youth

The Minority Stress Theory: emphasizes that it can be stressful for sexual minority youth to navigate their sexual identity and behavior Environmental stressors: heterosexism (overemphasis on assumption that everyone is heterosexual), Individual stressors: you expect to be rejected; hiding sexual orientation Influences the mental health of sexual minorities and sometimes their physical health Greater levels of suicidal ideation Can be alleviated with support from family

cohabitation experience effect

The experience of cohabitation itself may lead to marital instability

Harmful dating relationships control and manipulation may lead to violence

The principle of least interest suggests the person with more power is: Less dependent on others Less interested in maintaining the relationship (I can take it or leave it) As a result has more control Gender differences in power and control Men use direct strategies such as assertion and aggression Women use indirect strategies such as hinting and attempting to manipulate emotions

Societies around the world vary considerably in how they negotiate the marriage market

There are differences between "traditional" and "modern" cultures, exogamy and endogamy, and free choice versus arranged marriages Most countries do not have the "open" courtship systems that are common in Western nations (Dowry or bride price) Age at marriage varies widely from one country to another

Experiencing Love

Those who say they are "in love" are most likely to be men between the ages of 30 and 49 Men tend to fall in love faster Research also shows that men are more romanti

Marriage in age of emerging adulthood

Traditional approach: -High school/ college -Get a stable job -Find a partner -Get married -Find house -Have kids Modern approach, in no particular order: -More education / graduate school -Postpone partnering / marriage -Postpone childbearing

Types of marriages in the US

Utilitarian marriage (80%)—based on convenience (READ IN BOOK) (we should know the difference between the two types) Conflict-habituated marriage Devitalized marriage Passive-congenial marriage Intrinsic marriage (20%)—inherently rewarding to the individuals within the marriage Vital marriage (15%) Total marriage (5%) Little difference in levels of romance and intimacy and such between vital and total Only tested on Utilitarian and Intrinsic

Macro reasons for singlehood

War, technology, and social movements -Economic factors -Gender roles -Demographic influences -Social class -Residence -Non-marital childbearing

Marital success and happiness Marital satisfaction

Whether a spouse sees the marriage as good (regardless of how it looks on the outside) Examples: lack of distress, contentment, happiness

Marital success and happiness Marital stablity

Whether spouses have ever suggested divorce to one another Goal is to maintain the stability in the marriage (Booth marital instability scale measures this to determine if you are working your way publically towards divorce [a reliable scale])

Sexual Behaviors

Women & men are similar 25-44 year olds report similar levels of vaginal anal oral same sex behaviors

Number of partners

Women < Ne Women 1-10 partners Men 1-21 2x women

Equity theory

an extension of social exchange theory A relationship is satisfying and stable if both partners see it as equitable and mutually beneficial it is about fairness, not cost and rewards (you may each have skills that are complementary to one another and it is mutually beneficial to be in that relationship) The greater the perceived equality the happier the relationship People in inequitable relationships are distressed and will attempt to eliminate distress by restoring equality Judgments about equity can vary, depending on the stage of the relationship when love goes wrong

Intersexual

born with inconsisten biology

Transsexual

born with one sex and then is currently undergoing or has undergone biological enhancement to convert to the other sex

Healthy relationships reflect balance of

caring intimacy commitment

Self- disclosure

communication in which a person reveals honest thoughts and feelings needed for intimacy

Social theory of love Ainsworth's attachment categories

culture is key to love attachment theory Proposed that the primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people : Anxious/Ambivalent adults: tend to fall in love easily, want a commitment early Avoidant adults: have little trust for others, cannot handle intimacy or commitment Secure adults: trusting of romantic partners and more confidant of partner's love

Conflict

discrete, isolated disagreements as well as chronic relationship problems All partners and families experience conflict Study found that married couples report average of 1-2 "unpleasant disagreements" per month If partners recognize and actively try to resolve conflict, it can be a catalyst to strengthen relationships

Asexual

does not have sexual attraction towards other people Little research, aren't always asexual

Love is a chemical reaction

dopamine (addicted to love), norepinephrine (the butterfly, up all night effect), serotonin levels are lower (more obsession and anxiety), & oxytocin levels high (bonding and empathy)

8 important qualities of friendship

enjoyment acceptance trust respect mutual support confiding understanding honesty

Love

essential for human survival have to nurture chilren ideal mate for everyone, just have to keep looking you don't have to settle but there are a numner of people who would be good partners

Heterogamy

eterogamy—dating or marrying someone from a social, racial, ethnic, religious, or age group that is different from one's own (also known as exogamy) Homogamy narrows the pool of eligible partners, but many people expand their marriage markets through heterogamy Dating and mate selection can move people up or down the social ladder Hypergamy: marrying up Hypogamy: marrying down Interfaith dating and marriages are common in the US

Sexuality: cross- cultural perspective Pubertal Rites Seperation

from the other people in the community (usually the opposite sex) and they are put with the same sex elders to learn their gender roles

Self love

important basis of self esteem

Voluntary stable singles

includes people who are not married and are satisfied with that choice. -Includes individuals who have never married and those who have previously married but do not what to do it again

homoromantic

intimate feelings for someone of the same sex

characteristics of love

multifaceted respect demanding

Substitute marriage

long term commitment between two people without a legal marriage -Partners may be separated but legally married to someone else -May be divorced and reluctant to re-marry -May feel that a legal ceremony is irrelevant

Biological theory of love

love is grounded in evolution, biology, and chemistry. Focus on physiological responses caused by natural amphetamines in the body Lover's high is real—PEA (Phenylethylamine)—but is short lived Long-term love is more comfortable and secure often includes the calming influence of endorphins chocolate has a reward center spot in the brain

acceptance

more forgiving for friends

respect

more important than passion and yearning

Dating cohabitation

occurs when a couple spends a great deal of time together and eventually decides to move in together

premarital cohabitation

occurs when the couple is testing the relationship before making a commitment to marriage

Demi sexual

only forms sexual attractions if they have developed emotional and romantic bonds with someone

mistake love for attention

other controlling threaten to withdraw love create guilt abuse

Social exchange thory

people are attracted to prospective partners who they believe will provide them with the best deal in a relationship People will stay in a relationship if the rewards outweigh the costs stay in it if the rewards outweigh the costs but only in the long term because this is a long term relationship Rewards: intrinsic characteristics, direct behavior, access to sources Costs: behavior, or actual losses like money or time

narcissism

people who have exaggerated feelings of power and self importance they are unique smarter and more attractive than others charming and flattering but not interested in long term relationships play games in relationships tend to be unfaithful, break confidences, and keep partners guessing about their commitment

Sexual arousal

physiological rather than emotional

Pubertal Rites Transition

practicing the same sex gender roles that they have learned

Involuntary stable singles

primarily older divorced, widowed, and never married people who wanted to marry or remarry but could not find a mate and now accept their single status

Sexual desire

psychological in the brain

Are women or men more intimate

pursuit-withdrawal (a sign of communication problems) there is a problem, let's talk about it wife starts talking, husband inches away from the wife, turns away

serial cohabitation

refers to living with one partner for a time and then with another

priority over relationships

the brain secretes chemicals to help you intenselt focus on that one person

How do we chose a mate?

the idea that we sift eligible people according to specific criteria and narrow the pool of potential partners One filtering mechanism is homogamy—dating or marrying someone with similar social characteristics Propinquity—geographic closeness (internet changes this, but still, the odds are higher that someone closer has a better chance) Research suggests that men and women choose partners whose physical attractiveness is similar to their own Udry's filter theory bigger to smaller geography - propinquity mutual attraction - physical appearance meeting each other's core needs - need matching compatibility - (racial and ethnic traits, religious background) social exchange - social economic class similarities - age similarities monogamy opposites may attract and work well, but they have more barriers Culture matters in perceptions of beauty

Dating

the process of meeting people socially for possible mate selection A majority of American 18 year olds are dating, or want to be Dating among teenagers has declined in the past 10 years

Social Interactionist Perspective

there are several expressions of your identity Depends on context And resources in your environment

Involuntary temporary singles

those who would like to be married and are actively seeking mates. Includes widowed, divorced, and never married

Cohabitation

two unrelated people who are not married but live together, and usually have a sexual relationship -POSSLQs (Persons of the opposite sex sharing living quarters) -The number of heterosexual unmarried couple households in the US has increased from 0.4 million in 1960 to 7 million in 2008 -About 14% of unmarried-partner households are gay men or lesbians (Census, 2008) -Most cohabiting relationships are short-lived -About ½ end within one year -Over 90% end by the 5th year -Of these, 44% result in marriage

Trial marriage

when partners want to see what marriage is like, less certain about relationship than those in premarital cohabitation (will not be on midterm, Conger thinks term too similar to premarital cohab)

jealousy

when people believe that a rival is competing for a lover's affection evolutionary psc: men worry about sexual infidelity (don't want to be cuckolded) women worry about their partner's emotional entanglements